Update README.md

README.md

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 This used to be the longest section of the essay, but I’m rewriting it to make it shorter and more up-to-date. My personality issues fall into two categories: ego size issues and social functioning. 
 First, ego size issues. I remember in grade school writing my name on the whiteboard in all capital letters, bigger and higher up than anyone else’s name. It reminds me of the way I saw Donald Trump’s name on a billboard once, higher up and in bigger letters than any other name on the billboard. That being said, unlike Donald Trump, I was never the CEO or President of anything in my life, not even class President or the President of any club. A woman with the body of a potato who I went on some dates with in the past described me as “narcissistic”, which is reminiscent of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I had serious problems working on teams with other people, both in university and in a work setting. I remember in high school wanting to go to Harvard, the most selective university, or maybe if Harvard rejected me I would go to Duke and get married at the Duke chapel, the most magnificent chapel with the longest waiting list to get married there (in the end every single Ivy League school including Harvard and Duke rejected me despite applying with a 1540/1600 SAT score and also I ended up unable to find a wife, ever). Anyway, the following is from my Form SSA-3373 from my 2024 Continuing Disability Review of my SSDI benefits: 
 
+![Screenshot from old disability form](https://i.imgur.com/LPe9Yv9.png)
+
 👆 As you can see, that’s a very narcissistic response. I seriously wanted to become President of the United States and then end democracy, become dictator of the United States, and then from there The King of planet Earth, but that’s insane. I was kinda manic/delusional at the time. I acknowledge now that that will NEVER happen. Nobody is interested.
 Anyway, second, this paragraph will deal with my social functioning. DDS (Disability Determination Services) disability examiner Tonya Morris Spears (I believe in Pensacola Florida in year 2019 or 2020) and/or DDS physician or medical specialist Mercedes DeCubas Ph.D. wrote that I have “marked” issues interacting with others, that “marked limitations in social functioning are present”, that I have “social interaction limitations”. One of the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is “diminished ability to empathize with other people’s feelings”, and I definitely have some sort of lack of empathy and/or sympathy and/or care and/or care for the feelings of others. I don’t know which exactly it is, but I have a deficiency or impairment of some sort there. To provide anecdotal evidence of that, before cutting off contact with me, a woman with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) who I had sex with a handful of times in the past told me in an email that she could not call me a friend to her (despite me believing that she was the closest and most enduring female friend to me) and she wrote that "you don't know what people are going through, and based on my interactions with you and on what I've seen of your social media presence [which is mostly self-focused/self-interested/self-centered/egocentric/narcissistic ranting on Facebook], you don't care." I don't know, but I guess that makes sense given that I never ask people I know (or used to know) how they're doing (perhaps I don't care). For example, I would meet someone who used to be a childhood neighbor friend at our local gym and my mom would ask me “How is he, that childhood neighbor guy?” and I would reply "I don't know. I didn’t even ask or care. I just know he hit a personal bench press record at the gym". Something like that. But yeah, I’m kinda like that with everyone. No real relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever really been someone else’s real friend before. Acquaintance, sure, but not real friend. I think that’s why I’ve never had a wife, fiancée, or girlfriend despite trying everything to obtain one. And I tried really, really hard. I was on like 5-9 different dating apps for 11 years. I was going to Meetup and Eventbrite events 6 afternoons a week for years. It’s hopeless for me; I’m going to die single and alone. I don’t even have friends to serve as references to list their contact information on job applications. My old managers blocked my number and LinkedIn due to harassment; I have no good references.
 This is a side note, but I don’t know if I’m capable of love (not including obsession or infatuation with a woman i.e. “in love”). For example, my parents got me a pet parrot when I was 13 years old, and he’s a cute parrot, and I wanted him at the time, but I don’t love him. My parents take care of him. Sometimes when I’m eating fruit or nuts or something like that I’ll share some with him, but the bulk of chores involving him falls on my parents. When I was away from home, like at university or work, I never missed him. When my mom is away from him she’ll ask to FaceTime on the iPhone with him, but I never did that. I am fairly certain my mom loves him more than I do. For example, if I found out my parrot were dead of natural causes I don’t think I would mourn much (less loud squawking, more sleep for me), but I’m sure my mother would be devastated. But yeah, I don’t know if what I have is a lack of love or sympathy or empathy or care for the feelings of others or what, but there is some sort of lacking that I have, and it affects my social/interpersonal functioning. I could talk more on this subject, but it would be a lot of hypothesizing and musing so I think I’ll just end this section here.