Update README.md

Changed "Social, Interpersonal, or Personality" to "Social/Interpersonal/Personality"

README.md

@@ -10,7 +10,7 @@ Table of Contents
 * <a href="#Cognitive-Issues">Cognitive Issues</a>
 * <a href="#Sleep-Issues">Sleep Issues</a>
 * <a href="#Transportation-Issues">Transportation Issues</a>
-* <a href="#Social-Interpersonal-Personality-Issues">Social, Interpersonal, or Personality Issues</a>
+* <a href="#Social-Interpersonal-Personality-Issues">Social/Interpersonal/Personality Issues</a>
 * <a href="#Motivation-Issues">Motivation Issues</a>
 * <a href="#Additional-Information-Including-Neurological-Issues">Additional Information Including Neurological Issues</a>
 * <a href="#Sign-Off-With-Date">Sign off with date</a>
@@ -60,7 +60,7 @@ ________________________________________________________________________________
 
 <a name="Social-Interpersonal-Personality-Issues"></a>
 
-### Social, Interpersonal, or Personality Issues
+### Social/Interpersonal/Personality Issues
 
 The fourth reason I can't work is social. I have issues with forming or sustaining human relationships and I have social issues. I have no real friendships (I like the idea of being a normal person, but I am fine living with no real friendships and I don't even experience loneliness except for occasionally missing the company of my mother). Like on 11/14/2022 I was in Washington DC on a trip and my uncle who lives there asked me if I was seeing any old friends in the area because from December 2016 to August 2018 I lived there for work, and the truth was that even though I had Facebook friends from my old work and from the board game club that I used to attend there, there was nobody who I was actually close with, who I actually kept in contact with, or who I was interested in talking to - I don't sustain interpersonal relationships (I don't know if I briefly form a real connection when I first meet someone but don't sustain or strengthen it over time or if there is never any real relationship from me to them in the first place other than the relationship one might have with a temporary acquaintance - I believe it's the latter). I can meet people and interact with them, but there is no real relationship there - they are nothing to me even if we have interacted repeatedly in the past. It's sort of like I'm able to interact with people but unable to truly have or sustain a real relationship with them - they're just someone who I happened to interact with in the past, an acquaintance. I cannot date (and I tried my best for over a decade but was never in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship despite being straight). I tried everything I could to get a girlfriend - I put myself on between 4 and 6 dating apps for over 10 years, I went to club activities, bars, and nightclubs, I read self-help books, I consulted with multiple dating coaches, I lowered my standards for things like sexual attractiveness to zero, I went to hundreds of events, many of which were singles events, I even posted personal ads online and tried to seek out a long distance relationship, but was still never in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. Like you'd expect real relationship formation to happen naturally but for me it doesn't. My online interaction also has problems. On March 3rd to 5th 2022 I tried messaging a young woman online multiple times but I had to unsend the message each time because it was making me crazy and ultimately I gave up trying to message her and had to block her to preserve my sanity. I previously had to give up contact with a young woman because I had a panic attack every time I replied to her, and yes I've tried meds for that and nothing can prevent it. On 4/26/2023 I liked an Instagram post that said "your job is not to be liked by everyone, your job is to be and love yourself", and I was considering sharing it, but I was afraid to give off what I call "Relationship Forming Vibes" which can trigger my panic response, but I shared it anyway and then I had the panic response, so I had to delete the post. I recall a time when I canceled a date because I had constant and recurring panic attacks that wouldn't stop until I canceled the date and then never talked to her again. I can't control the panic response, it's like an automatic, involuntary, almost allergic type reaction I sometimes have to relationship formation where the only solution is to delete or unsend my communication or end the interpersonal relationship (I call this panic response my "Relationship Destruction Reflex"). This is a recurring thing for me. I anticipate never having a girlfriend or wife even though I have always wanted one (or at least thought that I wanted one, or at the very least liked the idea of having one). Like if there were a button I could push to have a girlfriend or wife I would totally push that button - I don't even care much about her race, her weight, if she has mental illness, how poor she is, if she's below average looking, etc - I have always had a desire for a girlfriend or wife but have never been able to make it happen. Social relationships are important for many jobs and leadership positions but for me that aspect of life is severely hindered. Even getting a job requires going through a job interview, which requires leaving a good impression on a hiring person, which is a social barrier. Many jobs also ask for recommendations from past coworkers and managers, and those people have witnessed my shit work performance and personality. Also, one time I tried emailing a human relations person and had panic attacks after every email I sent, which made work related functioning difficult. When I'm not having panic attacks after messaging someone, I tend to lose interest and not reply anymore - I can be sort of "asocial" or "not social" towards other people in that regardless of how I'm doing, I never want to smile at anyone and tell them that I'm doing well, and also I pretty much never ask people who know me well "how are you?" or "how's it going?". I don't care. I don't care to hear about other people's Christmas or whatever. I'm not interested in whether or not they slept well last night. If they're interested in me I can share things (or sometimes over-share things) about myself with them, at least initially, but I'm not really interested in them (I mean maybe I am interested in a new person initially when I learn basic things about them like what they do for a living, but that sort of interest runs out of fuel eventually). When me and my mom spent time with my cousin Karina and her husband, I noticed that her husband was asking me a bunch of questions but I wasn't asking him any questions, and that was normal or natural for me. Like I might text someone new or someone who liked me on a dating app the copy-pasted message "hey, how's it going?" because I'm sexually attracted to them and I want to get the conversation started, and then they might reply "good, how about you?" but the conversation ends there - I just stare at their message and never reply and am not interested in replying. Sometimes instead of not replying I overshare (ex. by writing "I feel depressed and have issues when I try to walk"), causing them to distance themselves from me (I tend to do this with women more whereas with men I'll usually just stop communicating, although sometimes I will overshare and then later stop communicating if they haven't blocked me, like by writing someone a massive letter about myself where I over-share, which is what I'm doing now by writing this essay). Like sometimes I will send a woman on a dating app a reply containing a massive essay containing way too much information about myself, causing her to unmatch me or block me, which is basically the same end result as if I never replied to her - no more interpersonal relationship (I think maybe this almost automatic oversharing that I do is part of my Relationship Destruction Reflex or is an involuntary, subconscious effort to get them to go away because it results in the destruction of relationships or at least helps avoid their formation, which perhaps is what I subconsciously or involuntarily want). Perhaps one reason I over-share my distress, sadness, or unpleasant experiences or feelings with other people despite the fact that it is unpleasant for them is because I don't care about how they would feel in response to seeing or reading what I'm putting out. With men, I've had people who could have been good friends tell me "text me any time" and I just never text them or communicate with them in any way ever again - I guess I'm not interested. My childhood next door neighbor who I used to play videogames with as a kid gave me his new number at his little brother's wedding that my parents and I attended and said "don't be a stranger - talk to me some time" and I never talked to him other than texting him my name when we traded numbers - I guess I became a stranger to him despite him telling me not to be a stranger (I am Facebook friends with his little brother but I don't interact with his little brother either). This is an update on April 8, 2023, but yesterday I did text my childhood next door neighbor an article about how the latest version of ChatGPT AI passed the US medical licensing exam because he passed the US medical licensing exam and I thought it would be relevant to him, and he replied "I saw!", but I didn't ask him how he's doing and really I have no interest in that. A woman once messaged me "what are you doing today?" and I saw her message but never replied, I guess I didn't want to talk to her (which is pretty typical of me, at least after the initial meeting where I may ask a new person what they do for a living, their hobbies, stuff like that, but I lose that interest after I sort of know who they are). In early 2023 a guy who knew me before and was listed as a friend on my Facebook and Instagram saw me in real life and tried to interact with me in public and I didn't ask him how he or his mom were (he was with him mom), I just sort of waved and shook hands with them both and was like "I have something that I'm going to do" (even though I had nothing but free time) - I didn't want to talk to them and I wasn't interested in how they were doing or their day or anything. I have a lack of real relationship formation or sustainment (at least beyond the initial introduction where I may use copy-pasted messages or ask them pre-defined questions about themselves). Maybe at some point some of these people who know me thought we were friends but really, at least to me, we were just temporary acquaintances (I am not really anyone else's friend even if someone else believes for some time that they are my friend). I don't hate anybody and I'm not intentionally mean to anyone, that's just how I am. Sometimes I form one-way parasocial relationships, where I get obsessed with a near stranger or minor celebrity (this has caused me to cyber stalk in the past, Googling their names and combing through all their social media and contacting them repeatedly despite them not being interested. Sometimes I will feel and believe that I am in love with them, and think about them all the time, but after they ignore and block me for long enough it dissipates and I realize that there was never actually anything there relationship wise), but real, lasting, close, two-way relationships with personal emotional caring or emotional response are an issue for me. Therapy can't help me because I don't want to tell anyone, including a therapist, how I'm doing and if I forced myself to see a therapist, after spewing my backstory in my typical over-sharing manner, I would be like "I have nothing to say to you anymore - can I please not see you?". I don't really see the point of saying things to a therapist because there is nothing I would say to them that I wouldn't say somewhere on the internet or to some former acquaintance or something. Some people form relationships with their therapist, but I can't even form a relationship with a therapist despite the fact that they are paid to get me to form a relationship with them. One time a therapist refused to see me because he could tell that I didn't want to see him, even though I wasn't aware that I was giving off that impression. I mention this later on in this essay but I've seen four or five therapists before (who didn't refuse to see me) including one in group sessions and I never felt that I benefited from therapy - in fact in the past I did outpatient behavioral health at Larkin Hospital and the longer I did it the worse my depression got, and then it gradually got better after I didn't do it anymore. In practice I don't think the outpatient behavioral health caused my depression to get worse, I think it naturally just so happens to get worse and better on its own and the timing just so happened to coincide with when I went to outpatient behavioral health, but I also don't think outpatient behavioral health made it any better either (this is the case with a lot of treatments I have tried). I don’t want to talk to a therapist, even if it were free. Socially, even with my current psychiatric doctor Advanced Practice Registered Nurse (APRN) Matamoros, I've gotten to the point where I don't want to have a two-way conversation with him - I would rather give him an update about what is going on with me by leaving him a typed letter, sort of like this essay, or a written message in the MyChart medical records system (which he never responds to and I don't even know if he checks). Real relationships are two-way, where there is closeness between both of you and a real relationship exists, whereas leaving someone a typed letter is one-way, where the person who wrote the letter (me) is oversharing information about myself with you, but there is no information exchange or closeness in the other direction (and there is not necessarily a real relationship in existence between the person leaving the letter and the person reading it), and often after I've left or handed the other person the letter I don't want to see them or communicate with them again, or at the very least I have nothing to say to them anymore. I honestly don't want to see a psychiatrist (or in my case a psychiatric APRN) anymore, but I've heard of people on SSDI for psychiatric reasons who don't see their psychiatrist being asked to see Social Security's doctor during a Continuing Disability Review, and I've heard of Social Security's doctor writing unfavorable, copy-paste reports from templates after a very brief visit that sometimes say things like "can button shirt" even when the patient's shirt didn't have any buttons, so I'm kind of forcing myself to see my psychiatrist to avoid ending up in that situation. If I didn’t worry about a Continuing Disability Review, I wouldn’t see a psychiatrist or APRN anymore - I do not believe they help me. This is an update on 4/16/2023, but I really, really do not want to see APRN Matamoros anymore, but I have to see him, and it is psychological agony for me. I think I might find myself being a dick to him (not on purpose) just to get him to drop me without me dropping him first.