diff --git a/src/data/processed_data/contractions.json b/src/data/processed_data/contractions.json new file mode 100644 index 0000000..17fa23f --- /dev/null +++ b/src/data/processed_data/contractions.json @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ +{ + "ain't": "am not", + "aren't": "are not", + "can't": "can not", + "can't've": "can not have", + "'cause": "because", + "could've": "could have", + "couldn't": "could not", + "couldn't've": "could not have", + "didn't": "did not", + "doesn't": "does not", + "don't": "do not", + "hadn't": "had not", + "hadn't've": "had not have", + "hasn't": "has not", + "haven't": "have not", + "he'd": "he would", + "he'd've": "he would have", + "he'll": "he will", + "he'll've": "he will have", + "he's": "he is", + "how'd": "how did", + "how'd'y": "how do you", + "how'll": "how will", + "how's": "how is", + "I'd": "I would", + "I'd've": "I would have", + "I'll": "I will", + "I'll've": "I will have", + "I'm": "I am", + "I've": "I have", + "isn't": "is not", + "it'd": "it had", + "it'd've": "it would have", + "it'll": "it will", + "it'll've": "it will have", + "it's": "it is", + "let's": "let us", + "ma'am": "madam", + "mayn't": "may not", + "might've": "might have", + "mightn't": "might not", + "mightn't've": "might not have", + "must've": "must have", + "mustn't": "must not", + "mustn't've": "must not have", + "needn't": "need not", + "needn't've": "need not have", + "o'clock": "of the clock", + "oughtn't": "ought not", + "oughtn't've": "ought not have", + "shan't": "shall not", + "sha'n't": "shall not", + "shan't've": "shall not have", + "she'd": "she would", + "she'd've": "she would have", + "she'll": "she will", + "she'll've": "she will have", + "she's": "she is", + "should've": "should have", + "shouldn't": "should not", + "shouldn't've": "should not have", + "so've": "so have", + "so's": "so is", + "that'd": "that would", + "that'd've": "that would have", + "that's": "that is", + "there'd": "there had", + "there'd've": "there would have", + "there's": "there is", + "they'd": "they would", + "they'd've": "they would have", + "they'll": "they will", + "they'll've": "they will have", + "they're": "they are", + "they've": "they have", + "to've": "to have", + "wasn't": "was not", + "we'd": "we had", + "we'd've": "we would have", + "we'll": "we will", + "we'll've": "we will have", + "we're": "we are", + "we've": "we have", + "weren't": "were not", + "what'll": "what will", + "what'll've": "what will have", + "what're": "what are", + "what's": "what is", + "what've": "what have", + "when's": "when is", + "when've": "when have", + "where'd": "where did", + "where's": "where is", + "where've": "where have", + "who'll": "who will", + "who'll've": "who will have", + "who's": "who is", + "who've": "who have", + "why's": "why is", + "why've": "why have", + "will've": "will have", + "won't": "will not", + "won't've": "will not have", + "would've": "would have", + "wouldn't": "would not", + "wouldn't've": "would not have", + "y'all": "you all", + "y'alls": "you alls", + "y'all'd": "you all would", + "y'all'd've": "you all would have", + "y'all're": "you all are", + "y'all've": "you all have", + "you'd": "you had", + "you'd've": "you would have", + "you'll": "you you will", + "you'll've": "you you will have", + "you're": "you are", + "you've": "you have" +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/src/data/processed_data/final.csv b/src/data/processed_data/final.csv new file mode 100644 index 0000000..360455c --- /dev/null +++ b/src/data/processed_data/final.csv @@ -0,0 +1,186 @@ +300, good atlanta georgia um my parents are from here um i love it i like the weather i like the opportunities um yes um it took a minute somewhat easy congestion that's it um i took up business and administration uh yeah i am here and there i'm on a break right now but i plan on going back in the uh next semester uh probably to open up my own business no um no specific reason i just don't travel a lot i'm pretty local once a year can you be a little bit more specific no answer i like reading books i enjoy i enjoy cooking um exercising is great i'm i'm i'm pretty good at it um yeah um probably about two weeks ago uh frustrated um i don't like bias um i don't like um when someone says they're gonna do something and they don't uh somewhat friendship i like to play sports i enjoy uh going out with friends and family playing games grandparents parents um yeah i mean they've always given me great advice they've always kept it real real close i would say going to college right after high school well i would've been done by now you know i would have been probably out in the field in the career field uh taking a job off the street i'm sure i could've yes i'm not sure maybe when i graduated from high school well uh i um i got my diploma my my diploma that i finished school and i met all the requirements high school and i was approved to go do whatever i wanted to do living with who um it's alright it could be better not no uh it's pretty easy uh yes repeat that irritated um lazy no no no no um the other day weather was great sun was out different less less um interested uh shut down uh about two weeks ago uh yeah a friend of mine was annoying me and i just cut them off [laughter] it's alright friendship chocolate tall thin thank you bye bye,0 +301, thank you mmm k i'm doing good thank you i'm from los angeles oh great i live in west los angeles the west side it's alright i xxx no i live alone so i love it i'm from here so i grew up here it's natural the weather um well the weather it's always good it's never it's never bad uh um there's always something to do it's rarely a dull moment the traffic the traffic is horrible well probably traffic is horrible in almost any major city but i hate the traffic not really i mean i have enough things going on here so if i travel it's usually somewhere that's within driving distance i studied uh business i did no i've i've been done for a few years so i haven't gone to school for a while one of these days i'll go back to graduate school but my dream job would be to just work for myself and making lots of money um i don't know i don't really have a dream job just something that i can i can work under my own terms and get paid decently and and be in a creative creative environment um i don't know i think it's just a matter of finding the right situation so right now eh it's been people are a little conservative about what they want so and how they want it so it's a little tougher than it seems it should be but i don't know i think when the situation's right i don't think it's too difficult yep i work as an assistant administrative assistant through a temp agency so it's just basically i get sent out to do uh to do desk jobs um yes and no i mean i feel like i feel like i could do more but you know it works so you know yeah i'm pretty close i mean they're around so um god really mad stupid people just basically doing just doing anything to annoy me um that's basically that's the big thing just just irritating stupid people who just do things just to provoke provoke me for no reason at all um what's a good example just random people who who think it's funny to just sit there and get a rise out of me just it doesn't have to be one any specific situation it's just people who just think it's funny to i think they're just generally sadistic and they just think it's it's funny to to just prod you like it's like poking a stick at an angry dog knowing that they know how to they just wanna push your buttons for no reason so uh god i don't remember i with those situations i usually try not to remember when when it happens i just i just let it go and just like the past is the past i just tend not to look back what do you mean okay god what do i do to relax i like to run i like to go to the gym listen to music i have a lot of musician friends so i just so i'm usually around musicians so anything of that sort i like i like everything from punk rock art to tattoos to just anything that's that's generally art and creative who's been a positive i think it's just friends in general who who seem to who seem to do well and i think they they're very inspiring and which is sometimes a a bit tough in in a town like los angeles where i think everybody's on the go trying to accomplish their own goals so they don't it's sometimes hard to find someone who's gonna be uplifting or try to be inspiring so i don't really have anybody in particular but people have kind of brought up things here and there you know just like hey instead of instead of doing this how about doing that or hey you're good at this why aren't you doing that or something like that just you know i'm always looking for new opportunities so they always point out things that maybe i might i could do differently instead of just being negative saying hey don't do that that's no that's why are you doing that it's a waste of time um i guess it depends on who you talk to i'm i'm okay at it i could probably work at that um i don't know i mean i can i i think i can do better at it well back to the point about people provoking me so i mean i try not to blow steam and let them get under my skin so i just usually try not to let it get to me but i don't know i guess with temper i guess it depends on how i handle my stress lately i've been better at it just because i think my situation's been a little bit better no no no um nothing major i mean maybe when i was younger i could've traveled more or i could've worked towards something that paid better job-wise but i mean those are all things that i think at any point in life you always think like well i coulda shoulda would've done but you know but then again i think that's natural for anybody i mean i could i could've become a banker or i could've become a lawyer or a doctor and made about ten times the money that i make now but but then again i don't like the law and i don't like medicine so so i'm it wasn't meant to be so yeah so um i think i think my in my life i knew that i there's a lot of things i have there's more dislikes than likes so i kinda narrowed it down to what am i good at and what am i not good at and what am i gonna work well or who who am i gonna work well with and who will i not work well with so i kind of i kinda sorted out and then the list kind of mmm kind of answered itself so no it i don't think it was hard but it was just but i think it was a real reality check and i think it it's kind of a good thing 'cause sometimes trying to conform to doing things that doesn't really fit you doesn't make sense it's like trying to shove a a round peg into a square a square hole and it's like it just no matter how you try to shove it in it's not gonna go in so sometimes it's just might as well go down a path that seems to work better for you memorable experiences um hmm i think it's just i don't really have like any one in particular i think i think every day is almost like a memorable experience whether it's positive or negative i think it's just everything from getting it just just the fact that i got a job and i can i can take care of myself is already almost like a memorable experience maybe for the average person it it sounds stupid but you know i think just the fact that i'm able i'm able to get this far in life without like completely self-destructing is already an accomplishment so i feel like i've gotten somewhere maybe not to not maybe not to the point to the average person they might think like well why aren't you a millionaire but you know what not everybody can be a millionaire yeah um when was the last time i really felt happy um i don't know i'm not really someone who's like i don't have any real high highs or low lows i mean i haven't hit any lows so i mean i i don't know i'm usually pretty i feel like i'm a level person and i'm pretty happy every day i feel like if i accomplish one thing then i'm pretty happy so i guess to answer the question probably mmm probably yesterday i just feel like if i if i'm able to accomplish something then then hey i'm happy i don't know i don't really have a best friend but i mean i well to answer the question generally friends i think they would say that i'm very pretty outgoing i'm pretty determined i'm trying you know i try to you know i try to interact as much as possible i'm always out networking as much as possible so i don't know i guess that's basically what i think they would describe me as okay no problem alright bye,0 +302, i'm fine how about yourself i'm from los angeles california what part okay um all my family's here friends a mixture of people and a lot of things to do early childhood education no not right now but i would love to get back into it love working with kids seeing them smile um guess it goes back to when i was a kid uh i like being happy and playful so i guess it just transferred into my adult life working with kids as a school teacher or in that capacity yeah it is but if it's a passion of yours it'll always be fun i'm very close sometimes too close um i have four sisters and one brother on my mom's side and on my dad i have six brothers and four sisters and we're all getting intertwined together so so that's why i say we're too close sometimes no i have a lot of friends to interact with and uh we're always doing different things so that's why i say i'm not curse just let it out a couple days ago my nephew didn't call me back um kinda mad 'cause i had set aside some time to spend with him and he just blew it off and didn't call me back yeah i know mm i'm okay when my mother passed uh it's been about five years now to the day so it's it's getting better time makes it easier a lot 'cause there's a lot of things that make me think about her in a daily basis anything uh driving by a particular restaurant that she likes uh watching different t_v shows just anything that could trigger a a memory of my mom yesterday uh think about the good times and i don't stay in that place too long just go ahead and think about it and move on mm not officially but i think i might be depressed well i mean since my mom passed it's been kinda rough and then um job situation is not stable here in california so that has a lot to do with it as well so yeah it is but kinda sort of kinda just to myself reserved mm not really it's pretty easy grumpy irritable fidgety just a big ball of nerves uh what do you mean uh i guess so yeah i like to travel meeting new people different locations scenery uh different opportunities to try something new in a new location uh just came back from memphis about three weeks ago go and see family and friends uh it was pretty nice got a chance to see um something new change change of scenery wow stick to the plan and don't veer off to the left or right just go straight ahead um just different circumstances in life that gradually pushed me towards the left and the right every day uh a few relationships not staying in school um missing out on great opportunities with employers um funny loyal spontaneous life of the party grew up together in the same community went to school together high school friends uh my big sister michelle uh my friend troy um i mean there's others but those two uh no matter good or bad they're always in my corner for me thank you yesterday yesterday celebrated a birthday oh it was just a little small intimate setting cooked a a meal had family and friends over listened to music watched movie talked about the old days when my mom was here and when we were all one union so it was just a nice evening thank you bye bye,0 +303, okay how 'bout yourself here in california yeah oh well that it's big and broad there's a lot to do a lot of um um job opportunities than other states um pretty much that it's big and there's a lot you can do here traffic um maybe the violence rate bad news even though you know you wanna know what's going on in your environment but you still have to watch it so you can you know look out to see what's going on on a daily basis sociology i have a um two year degree in liberal arts but my major was sociology no i'm actually an m_t_a bus operator well since metro is steady growing um my dream job is to move up in the company and i'm about to actually start some classes for supervisory next week so um 'cause they look to promote within the company so that's the good thing there's a lot of opportunities at metro where you can take classes and they'll pay for your tuition and things of that nature thanks well it's not actually hard as right now it's easy if you take advantage of it right now 'cause they look to promote within so you know so since i'm already working there that's a good thing so it's good to go ahead and take the classes that you need that you're interested in and go ahead and move up the ladder as soon as possible what do you mean i'm sorry okay read take a long walk hot bath meditate just close my eyes sometimes i'm pretty much good because see by me being a bus operator you run into circumstances and situations you gotta remain calm and still remain professional at the same time well i look at it like it it goes with i mean it comes with experience you know um you do something on a continuous basis usually you some somewhere down the line you become good at it you know so i i look at it like that so i've been driving for years and dealing with the public so it's just how you handle circumstances you you know treat people like you wanna be treated no i'm pretty good at it now maybe when i was younger you know you as you get older you get wiser you learn different things and i'm still learning today i would say my family you know my kids you know even though you know i had been having a lot of deaths around me but that's just go that's part of the life experience you know you born here but you gotta leave here one day but my kids will keep me you know sane and you know i love them and my family thank you no um setting good examples you know because you're the first teacher you know and you wanna set a positive good example for your kids and i think that's a good thing and it starts at home well um by you being the first teacher your kids you're you're their one that they see on a daily basis when they wake up so whatever's been taught in the home they lookin' and learning every day you know whether it's a home school you know people kids have a tendency to do things what they see you know what i mean so you try to keep it positive teach 'em good morals and values and how to get along with other people regardless of race and you know different things of that nature i have a um four and a half year old son i have a seven year old daughter and i also have a twenty three year old yeah i'm 'bout to be well my daughter's pregnant with a boy she has three um little girls so i have three grandkids and um one on the way which is a boy this time yeah thank you the hardest thing is well right now i'm a single parent so that makes it hard alone itself you know and they can be expensive at times you know it depends on the person's situation you know the whether they have help or a job you know things of that nature to help the situation better but it's hard you know but you i try to you know keep a job keep food in the house you know just maintain and support my kids the best way i can with my kids or just period what's memorable for me is that i'm the only one in my family with a degree so it's kinda like yeah it's kinda even though i'm the baby of ten kids you know and i've always kept that in the back of my mind even though everybody well pretty much my whole family have decent job but i'm the only one with a degree so i kinda like gave myself a pat on the back like you know you know i just that's the only thing i remember graduating you know and my family there and to support me thank you happy that i accomplished something you know just even though it may not be much but it was better than just have having a high school diploma and i had um i was working on my bachelor's degree but i ended up in a bad car accident i never went back i got distracted and you know i was working at the same time but i was just like moreso i needed income than than um schooling at that time because i was a young parent you know 'cause i had my daughter at seventeen so i was like i needed the money to support her but i never went back but i feel like it's never too late so i feel like i'll take some classes now that i'm with metro to help me move up the ladder so that's why i'm starting a class next week thank you hm well the advice i would've gave myself that i probably wouldn't have been a young mother at a young age and that i probably would've stayed in school you know not let the accident just distract me and not i would've remained in school i probably wouldn't have had kids early you know um rather i probably would've stayed in school and probably have a part time job or something just i just feel like um education is a excellent thing for a person just having knowledge and learning different things keeping your mind open to learning new ideas every day so i think that's a plus you know in anybody's shoes just to better they selves you know through education maybe to um maybe promote within your company or whatever the case may be that they help better your career i'm not quite sure um you learn from your mistakes you know but at the same time you don't continue to make the same ones i feel like it's okay to make a mistake but long as you do something to change you know um like myself even though i'm going to school late but still i'm going you know i wanna better myself career wise so yes my oldest daughter we had a argument because just the life that she's living right now and the things that she's going through and um i had told her that she just needed to make some changes to better her situation and uh we got into an argument because you know how your kids sometimes don't wanna hear it you know hear the stuff that you're saying even though it's true or or they just you know well they just don't wanna hear it you know they may be going through something they don't wanna hear but we got into a argument about it but that just happened you know i just told her i'm not i'm sorry very close very close it's just that the the situation my daughter's in she just needs to make some changes to better her her life and I'll be telling she's um she's kinda like stubborn in her own way you know i was raised to listen to your mom you know your mom's not gonna tell you nothing wrong and i've been telling her over the years you know different things and it's it's kinda like i was talking to a wall because she she did the opposite and now she's she regretting it you know 'cause she's like my mom told me this you know mom i'm doing the opposite so i guess she gotta bump her head a couple of times to get it it's kinda like i done told you i done left it alone and now it's up to you to make the change it's very frustrating because it's like i'm talking to a wall and she's not hearing me and i'm like it seem like it's taking forever for her to change but it's left up to the individual whenever they're ready you know what i mean once the person get tired of something they'll make it change it may not be when you want it to happen but the ball is her court you know i only can do so much oh wow i have my days um since i have two little ones um i kinda like trained them to go to bed at eight o clock because you know they gotta go to school and i think it's important to have a good night's rest because it kinda like it it kinda like gets you ready for the next day or you know how you gonna feel if you rested what type of person you'll be that day you know 'cause everybody have they days whether they're good or bad but that's just a part of life and i feel like if you had a good night's good good night's rest hopefully you'll have a good day you know pretty much you know i need my rest because i'm out there driving that bus and dealing with all these people and you know the job itself if very stressful so i feel like if i'm rested it'll help me what am i like irritated tired um lazy you know feel like i wanna lay down probably go to sleep get the rest that i need but i never thought about that i just you know 'cause like i said you know everybody have their moments they do i never thought about that hm no no i don't really have a best friend but a person that i deal with and i used to work with um she would probably tell you that i'm very um outgoing a go getter dependable responsible i'm a um people person i get along with others you know i'm kinda like um i leave a good a a good mark whether i know you or not if you was to you know like like you and i now you know i um you'd probably say oh she seems like a nice young lady or whatever you know something like that thank you well i try to stay happy i'd rather be happy than sad my kids keep me going you know what i mean especially when i go to pick them up from school or their being hey mom you know that just kinda make my day just them run up to me you know and be happy and excited you know what i mean thank you you're more than welcome you have a good day goodbye,0 +304, i'm doing good um from los angeles california um the cool weather the beaches the people the schools um child development yes to be a teacher for special education it's not hard 'cause i love to work with children yes dishonesty maybe um like if a guy like especially when it comes to relationships when they lie to you about something that's very minimal my mom i wanna say my mom um very close we talk every day very close even though i don't live with them i try to see them as much as i can uh it's okay it's it's good it's yes i do um they're they're friendly it's just that they're very quiet 'cause i'm not used to that environment it's fine like the how much it costs is very cheap so that's good and they're friendly so it's fine I just wish it was a little bit it could've been better so yeah yes um i had a different option to live with somebody else and i'm still friends with the female and comes to find out that we connect more than the roommates that I live with so I kinda regret moving in with the roommates I have now versus who i was supposed to move with in the beginning so but i'm stuck for a year so it's whatever that's fine how do i know who i yeah there's nothing that really gets me really mad that i can think of the top of my head um um maybe when it comes to schools how they treat the children especially children of color maybe that really gets me mad mm yes because i do things from within i guess so um internally motivated to do things i guess yeah yeah wow i hardly ever argue with somebody yeah oh my sister i guess my sister that was about a month ago uh i felt very betrayed and belittled because she's my little sister and she shouldn't be disrespecting me in any type of way because i'm an adult so yeah i was not feeling the situation at all um just her getting into grown folks' business and it was a conversation between me and my mother and i guess she overheard what was being said and she felt like through my actions that i was choosing somebody else over my family when that wasn't even the case but because she didn't know the whole situation she just automatically assumed and put stuff on facebook about me disrespecting me calling me out by name and it was just yeah so and she then comes to me about it like she did all this other stuff on facebook i don't that's one thing i don't like either is when you i hate indirect comments like if you have if you need to talk to me come directly to me don't put it on facebook tell other people that's a pet peeve of mine so i really don't like that yeah so but i mean we're fine now so that's good yeah to not believe people so easily so gullible to not be so gullible i guess i've been hearing that lately how i believe anybody anything that somebody says without really thinking about it or without having them prove it so i guess you could say i let i made a lot of mistakes i don't wanna say i regretted it because i'm glad i went through it while i was younger than me getting older and going through the same situations so um yeah i believe people too easily and i give people too much chances so yeah when i went on a cruise which was a happy experience when i went on a cruise to mexico with my family um when i was sixteen about six years ago yeah yeah i mean yeah i guess it was no i really want to though um trying new things seeing new views of the world um trying the different type of foods um seeing how the government is and how they run the things out there i guess um yeah i plan to go to the bahamas next year i plan to do a lot of traveling next year actually so yeah it's pretty good eh somewhat i'm tired and i kind of fall asleep during class and whatnot yeah it's my fault though um probably today yeah well i fell asleep late so it's my fault um no i feel pretty happy right now mhm no no no very friendly and funny talkative um through high school we're pretty close we try to talk as often as possible maybe once a week i'll try to see them at least every few months mm they're everywhere um yeah no comment on that they're more smarter they are learning more stuff than we learned back in the day they are learning they're very progressing but when it comes to technology they're not outside they're always on the computer on their phones they don't play outside no more they don't care about nature or the little things in life they just yeah but when it comes to their mentality they argue smarter 'cause the schools are getting better i ain't gonna lie so when what happened i was just okay um last weekend i guess right now um what did i do um being with my boyfriend makes me really happy so i was just hanging out with him last weekend and i never really get to see him that much so yeah 'cause he works i have school different schedules it's not that bad um he's my boyfriend i've been knowing for what about six months now we met through a mutual friend um in l_a i guess okay you're welcome bye,1 +305, i'm doing alright uh originally i'm from california uh born in glendale i'm not too happy with it uh just unemployed at the moment but uh actively seeking uh uh doing what i'm supposed to be doing uh there are some uh some prospects there but hopefully i'll learn something today yeah well i have one it's a girlfriend so i consider her a roommate a lover type thing pardon me um we're pretty close uh i met her last year and uh we've been through some troubling times but uh we're starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel uh the troubling times uh i would let me see uh well i had uh gotten a d_u_i last year and uh lost my job i'm a truck driver by trade so uh that kinda threw me way off uh having a fourteen hundred dollar a week job uh and then going to nothing kinda like plus losing my my license kinda really threw me off and uh I couldn't um i haven't really uh found anything that i was interested in uh so i started cooking and our trying to see which other route i can go as far as uh having some kind of a career and uh so i'm choose choosing to go into the culinary field but you know uh meanwhile i still have to work it's hard to find work with uh without going to school and uh so but i think today uh i applied at ralphs so hopefully i'll get that job i should have that job actually so um but i'm starting to see a light like i said at the end of the tunnel now a little by little my dream job would be probably forestry service out in the wilderness yeah i like being alone pardon me well you know i have a a lot of for animals i'm an exotic animal trainer by trade and uh so and i like being i don't like people too much uh so being outdoors and uh i've always enjoyed being outdoors that's how i like being a truck driver i've traveled the world i don't necessarily like being in a warehouse or an office i'm of a a outdoors type of guy so uh one of my trips would be uh i spent a year and a half in japan and uh on the uh lower island uh there that uh they built that bridge uh the largest bridge in the world uh and uh i went there to work for uh for an all white oh uh an all white tiger act and uh working for a japanese circus so it was interesting that a lot of people on that island hadn't really seen a lot of americans 'cause that was also one of the islands that we uh that they bombed so there was a lot of negativity but i i pretty have a good idea out you know outlook uh on life uh especially during those times you know i i enjoyed myself you know through all the traveling and and meeting new people and um eating you know different um diverse foods and uh it was a good experience for me all of that whole experience was pretty good for me you know just traveling around with circuses and uh you know it's been great uh probably um one some of the things i like about l_a there's not a lot that i like about l_a but um i like hollywood i like the the the movie industry um the uh huge uh um different different people you know different uh different ethnics of uh people here you know uh i enjoy talking to uh few you know a lot of foreigners you know i like to see where they came from and and what what it's like there traffic's atrocious you know traffic uh ignorance uh being disrespected uh being disrespectful or whatever you know other people being disrespectful toward you or other people um that's about it dishonesty pardon me uh it happens on a daily basis it seems like you know i ride the bus a lot so uh you know or i if i'm riding my bike uh people tend to almost run me over so if i'm not totally paying attention to traffic uh you know i find myself sometimes you know having to wait to see what they're gonna do instead of i having the right of way or uh something like that yeah big time what do i do when i'm annoyed um probably sit there and uh sit there and vent you know uh speak my mind even though a lot of times it's i'm myself you know just like you know assholes or whatever you um well you know i carry rocks in my back pocket so i can it you know it happens so much where i i just it just amazes me at what people will do sometimes you know you almost get run over all you know i i probably almost get run over probably on a daily basis and if i wasn't paying attention i'd be up shit creek uh it's hard with dealing with people especially trying not to react 'cause there's consequences for your reactions um it was with my girlfriend and uh it was about being honest uh um i'm pretty honest with i'm open and honest about any anything and everything and uh what it was about was uh just her lying to me uh telling me that she had told our landlord something and and that she had done something and that and that aspect and i come to find out a week later that it was a total lie so i just you know didn't like that at all pardon me um i'm trying to i'm missing the word for it uh just that i don't know now that whether i could believe anything she says now so it was it was uh i felt hurt you know uh that you know here we had been in a relationship for a little bit and well that's probably one of my biggest uh pet peeves is is being honest um i don't like i said i don't hold back and i'm pretty honest in anything and everything that i do or say so you know and if you're lying about something well you just you're always having to cover up uh more lies with the lies that that you already told and i just don't see any you know so it kinda took a lot from uh me trusting her now or you know whatever now i'm i you know is it truthful is it not you know so it's kinda hurt our relationship can't do nothing about it uh fun i like going to the beach uh i love shooting darts but i haven't done it in a while i i love i love to paint uh i got into watercolor painting and i'm pretty gifted at that and um uh i wanna try some other mediums and uh let's see here i love fishing uh haven't gone in a while though and uh i like driving a truck you know uh it's you know my job you know i was a i really really enjoyed it i don't like driving through cities but uh usually when i'm in the middle of the night where i can see all the stars i like star gazing i'll see if i can um pick out some of those uh astronomy uh stars up up there and um i'm a pretty easy going guy so shooting pool um sunshine just those i like uh most memorable experiences um good or bad uh most memorable experiences uh probably uh playing with lions and tigers uh uh wrestling a a baby elephant in a in a mud puddle uh uh just enjoying myself i know not uh i don't have much family as it is uh at least here in the states i don't my mom's from central america so uh but i'm not close to i have uh three brothers one sister and i'm probably not really really close to none of my siblings i speak with one brother uh quite a bit um my other youngest brother you know he he just i'd just rather not you know i converse converse with him but it's you know just i try to keep it on a professional basis my sister i don't talk to at all my my other brother underneath me i haven't spoken to him in years so i'm just close with my mom uh my niece some of my nephews and that's about it have i done anything to avoid it um to avoid them uh yeah i just don't talk to them i don't call them i don't ask about them i you know i talk to my mom quite a bit my brother quite a bit but i just don't bring up those subjects or if they are brought up i just usually say you know that's on them and i really don't wanna deal with them so um it's been hard lately it's been probably hard for the last uh going on a year um you know i uh depends on my thought process at the time i like i said i've been looking for work quite a bit um so just wondering why you know i don't get called i i just have my i have racing thoughts so or i get depressed you know 'cause i or i worry about things that you know that really i have no control over so i don't lately i just been sleeping a bit too much uh at least for me because i'm so used to just sleeping four to five hours a a a night but now it's changed to about eight to nine hours and i'm still tired uh lately i have been probably about the last few months um tired um i you know if i don't sleep well sometimes then i just dwell back on the same things that have been bothering me so you know i'm more of a guy you know i love to work um and if i'm not then it's just a little bit too much time for me to spend in my own head and so you know um i there i either if i'm busy or i'm doing what i you know in whatever job i do i kinda you know get to it i enjoy it uh it's something new for me and uh so i can think about you know either work or i think of home and then think about this you know i don't have to worry about you know um money um you know bills are getting paid and i can just concentrate on other things either you know do the things i like or mm you know maybe spending a little bit more time with my girlfriend or you know so something like that how do i what how do i cope with them um i just try not to think about it uh it's it's not about whether coping with it or not um i just do it's uh i'm more of a guy that just you know it may take me a moment to to um say that i'm coping with something but you know it it's if i have no control over it there's nothing that i can really do about it the only thing i can do is control to do what i'm doing and that's actively looking for work uh actively going out on uh interviews uh talking with others about work so that i can just kinda you know get back to um back to basics you know i just don't let a lot of stuff bother me it does bother me but i try not to to let it continue to bother me if what has gotten me in trouble my mood swing i mean um yeah money i mean you know my past i i got a past history so uh which kinda tends to uh uh bother my uh my hiring process i don't know if i'm gonna get hired so i gotta deal with uh different different type of employers who are uh say uh felony friendly and uh uh stuff like that and i try you know i i've taken classes on uh on uh how to interview how to uh how to answer some of the questions which you know come up quite a bit and uh i kinda reflect back on that but i just uh i gotta keep putting to my head that that's not who who i wanna be anymore so or you know i i've done uh i've done uh i've done my time uh so to say but uh i took the time you know the last time i just took a lot of time and and try to uh work on the issues that were bothering me so um you know toward positive stuff i got my g_e_d different things a lot of classes um uh thought about going to school i didn't go to school and uh anything that would kinda um change my old ways and and uh and try to move on to more productive activities pardon me i still didn't hear you that people have been deceitful can you repeat that one more time alright uh i've been diagnosed with uh bipolarism um it's tough if you don't you know um i don't medicate so i mean i have been on medication before in the past but um again it's i try to live on life uh i try to live life on life's terms and i just you know um i know the medical establishments always wanna label something and and what i don't like about it is that they just experiment with pills you know i've been on probably every imaginable pill that there is for that and um you know some of them have been too strong or some of them not strong enough and so i just try to cope with things uh um it's just my life skills you know i i don't i don't wanna be using drug i know certain drugs work for like three to four months six months and then they go well here i'm gonna try you on this and or i'm gonna try you on that and it's just an ongoing process and i probably for about the last two years actually about three years i kinda just said you know what that's it and um whether it's different than whether if i would be on on on uhon meds for it um i don't think so you know it's the still the same stuff i still get the same problems and i still uh get the same anxiety as if i if i was on medication for it or not so i just and i'll deal with it you know sometimes it's not good you know i get irritated at people a lot i don't like people um i don't like crowds i don't you know like obnoxious people huge empty quiet so um but i i get a person you know i it's not that personality but i think people can see me and just say uh don't mess with this guy or you know um but still you know i like i i ride public transportation quite a bit and um you know you just get a lot of loud obnoxious people on there sometimes i gotta get off the bus that's how i deal with with with with people because i just know there's consequences if i if i didn't deal with it that way so i just let it go i'd rather take the time on getting off the bus waiting for the next bus and hopefully it's not that bad did i have a problem before i got out uh well i i don't know if i knew that i had a problem um uh before i found out the thing is that i know other people um i have a lot of ups and downs so i know a lot in my younger days people would tell me you know when i told them that i was diagnosed with you know bipolar that um a lot of remarks were like oh that's what's wrong you know that's what was wrong with you we we wish that you would've would've found that out years ago uh and uh like i don't think the meds really work but what i do uh i think uh time kinda like you know just getting older kind of uh you know makes it work you know me me dealing with life so pardon me uh i talked to a therapist probably on a weekly basis for a while uh recently and uh it helps a lot you know uh just to get out my anger uh my thoughts um a lot of people may not understand that but uh a therapist is i think the bigger thing is that i can just get it all out uh whatever's bothing me whether it be uh people you know uh uh other issues you know were whatever the case may be i just think talking about it and they're such good listeners and can kinda like you know they they give me the same advice that you know that i you know give myself or whatever that i would give to others uh but it's always helpful if you hear it from somebody else somebody who will be has a you know are are you know they go to school for this so you know but it's good to have yeah well i don't go anymore uh so um i kinda miss it you know like i said uh uh i miss it a lot actually but uh it's just one of those things you know i just deal with it you know uh according to you know if i ever get a chance to go to therapy again i probably will um well monetary reasons and uh you know uh i don't have health insurance there's a lot of things that you know i'd like to do but i can't you know um you know money situation's not that great right now so how does my friends describe me um they would probably describe me as uh uh energetic uh outgoing person uh once i get to know people um laughs i you know i laugh a i laugh a lot um but uh they would probably tell you that i'm also very serious and uh uh hidden person i don't reveal a lot you know and uh so someone who has been a positive influence in my life someone who's been um someone who's been a positive influence in my life uh probably my boss one of my bosses uh when i first started with uh with exotic animals he was real you know he was uh uh german and um they didn't teach i don't know what he saw in me but he taught me a lot about working with exotic animals and um showed a lot of confidence in me and which in in it also built confidence in myself and uh sort of let me know that you know that there's nothing that i really can't accomplish if i put my mind to it you know yeah it was you're welcome bye ,1 +306, fine uh colorado mhm uh career career possibilities uh paralegal uh for further education for the weather for a friend [laughter] not often at all now every few years oh the weather uh the beach sunsets at the beach uh the thought of uh career possibilities um an educated group of people sophisticated market it is an adjustment uh to to come here a lot of people misjudge it a little bit it's a laid back appearing town but it's actually very um uh sensitive to you know uh success and commericalization and that kind of thing so you have to keep up the pace uh that is a little bit harder i think when you first make the adjustment and pretty soon it becomes obvious that it's another market that you just have to work hard in like you you do in others oh be an attorney [laughter] mhm oh just because you have the uh the power you can use uh you know skills to be able to affect people live people's lives in a more dramatic way than just being uh an assistant in that field oh uh a lot of it is not around anymore just have brothers and sisters out of state so not particularly close right now uh mm dishonesty unkindness lack of sympathy uh insensitivity you know uh very good if anything i'm i'm uh regressive that way [laughter] mhm oh wow uh oh just a friend a friend who is who is right now a has a fabulous job is uh spending too much money that he needs to save uh through uh a work situation just a a work connection mutual friends mhm uh close close now we spend time we have uh we go out and have fun sometimes uh walk walk on the beach uh you know uh shop in beach areas is kind of fun rodeo drive occasionally and uh and see films art art galleries oh uh my daughter i just have one daughter who graduated u_c_l_a law school and uh i raised her totally alone without any help so it seemed like an accomplishment that was was worth it the the two jobs and the work uh i think it's difficult i think it's a difficult job that takes a lot more work than most people give it credit for if you wanna do it right you know it's always second guessing your behavior and that kind of thing uh just uh i'd say peer pressure it can totally alter [al] alter anything a parent has tried to put into a child that's good scrubbed_entry so that was a really bad time for us um i think it depends on which neighborhood or state you're in or the the uh i i think they're a little misguided i think a little uninspired [unin] uninspired right now i think they're being weighed down by the concerns of the wars and um and things like that and i think they can probably use a uh a common goal a common you know now a team uh as as oppposed to just being more separated group than a family [fam] once they were i think you know kind of uninspired right now um i worry sometimes about you know work issues but it's pretty pretty easy um no i i don't feel like i'm not sleeping i i just you know will occasionally worry about something at work oh gosh about a couple weeks ago oh just uh you know unfortunately we have to worry you know i'm fortunate this isn't easier it's just cooperation between people uh it solves most everything you know so you always wanna have that around you um just stressed yeah stressed more stressed mhm um yeah fatigue has uh a lot of uh you know a lot of implications for just not feeling like yourself or misjudging things that you might judge differently if you were more well rested uh not depression um probably yeah i was that was considered a possibility i had an employment lawsuit several years ago and and uh actually litigated it and won the settlement um something about whistleblower thing implications [im] implications of that and um and i was kind of harrassed about it and so i found when i got out of it i couldn't find work right away in my own field so i had to go into a different field go back to u_c_l_a and get a new uh professional direction and i found myself fearful sometimes that it's gonna happen again you know and you think that would never happen again you know um just that i was noticing that i was noticing i was feeling very uh in my paralegal class i had a a section about employment law and there was a a very complicated filing i had done with great a deal of work and study for my case but once faced with it again in that class setting i just i just couldn't get it done it was a late paper from me and i realized i was traumatized by having to go through that again um that you know yeah post traumatic stress sometimes comes later after the adrenaline dies down from what i understand and um so i think it was just uh it was just hitting me later you know that i was having to face that paper again and wow you know no adrenaline just wow there is a xxxx back back just uh just extreme uh you know avoidance of getting something done that should've been easy for me and uh and thinking about it as thoroughly as i should've or studying it or putting it off uh putting the feeling of going through that paper that type of paper even if it's just a class assignment again you know well um not lately um you know back then for sure when that happened which was about ten years ago now it was settled in court about seven years ago now and uh yeah it was it was effective you know it was effective in the way you view most everything and in your confidence and that kinda thing i'm sorry [laughter] repeat the question uh peaceful do i feel peaceful well yeah i was peaceful that it that it's settled uh but but angry that it ever happened so it's hard to i'll probably not ever feel peaceful about that issue ever it always the mention of it always makes me angry that i had to go through that yeah i don't think so i tried everything to avoid it [laughter] you know and so uh uh i think that's that was aggravating for me too because i'm a patient person realistic and um and i tried everything to avoid uh confrontation in the matter but it was just required to try to you know help me cover the damage to our lives my daughter's life i uh not now maybe one time in my life not now you if you can't communicate uh you know if you could communicate you could overcome people's perceptions or their judgments of you if you can effectively explain something and and uh it will help you overcome other perceptions of yourself that others might normally have judgments for age or anything like that um well just raising a daughter extendedly you know or or uh you know just um the experience of thinking thinking that that was a after all the years that was a success her graduating from law school yeah uh just like a lot of work had a good ending uh you know happy glad that it was fulfilled wishes or or dreams for this child were fulfilled you know that and she was able to make that success wow um [laughter] i i i tend to be kind of happy with life 'cause the alternative is gonna harm harm your you know your ability to succeed so i try to force happiness i guess in in most every situation in my life route i find something about it uh when i lost some weight recently that made me really happy i travel a little bit locally i traveled more when i was younger i really enjoyed that but just been too busy in the last few years just new places um ability to take the worries we have every day work or concerns and kind of put them away for a while and see something new you know kind of the way i'm going back to uh colorado san riosco went through vale and uh and spent the night there and um and it was just during spring when there aren't many skiiers and it was just beautiful and very quiet a lot of restaurants with the decks and open in the mountains and it was beautiful yeah wow uh just um ardent i'm hard working loyal uh um creative um just seeing something that you're creating you're trying to create uh becomes something you hoped the picture would be you know if if that's the case you know just hard work uh just fulfilled or or presented itself in a certain way that you know it makes you happy to my daughter um very [ver] pretty close she just had a baby she's in the bay area she send me pictures all the time okay bye,0 +307, um moscow um my family moved to the u_s and then i moved down here eventually for college uh it took a long time to i've been living here for about a year since i graduated so there's been a lot of ups and downs but finally gotten adjusted to it so it took a while though it goes off and on i have two roommates and there's always a little bit of drama here and there between the girls but for the most part after a year and a couple months i think we finally learned how to live together but it was pretty much like a reality t_v show for a while one's from college and the other one we found on craigslist it varies depending on whether or not we're mad at each other so um i guess pretty close right now we're kinda distant oh about the distant okay um well we haven't seen each other we haven't hung out in like two weeks 'cause one of them got into like this car accident and um so she's been distant since then and kinda locks herself up in her room and the other one is always working late so we just our our scheduling has been off and no one's really made an attempt to hang out with anyone so it's kind of we're just waiting for someone i guess to make the first move it's okay it'll get better it depends with whom i'm dealing with i guess i would say with some people i guess with my family not very good my boyfriend it's not very good but with other people that i might not know so well then i'm able to control it a little bit more but it'll be more passive aggressive than like full on anger oh 'cause i don't want them to see me as a bitch [laughter] yeah uh probably my best friend nicole she's probably been we've been best friends for like god since high school freshman year of high school is when we first met so long time so yeah um of of what uh my friend nicole um we met in french class freshman year of high school we were in the same class and then we kinda started doing homework together and we had a lot of class the same classes together and so we just kinda started hanging out and then we just became closer and have stayed really close since then mhm um uh going out with friends going to bars going dancing biking hiking staying active um going to the movies going out to eat at restaurants uh photography um just hanging out with friends i guess whatever uh it varies like i'm really close to them when it comes to things about like school work um those kinds of things but when it comes to relationships and friendships and more personal personal things i don't really discuss that with them so i guess superficially close but i rely on them a lot so we're close i guess mhm uh that's a good question um i guess it depends who it is again i guess people who are inconsiderate unthoughtful flakey ignorant and uh conceited [cons] uh yeah i guess those kinds of people and when people just um what makes me mad that's a good question i guess a lot of things make me mad [laughter] but it's mostly how people react to um different situations can make me angry i guess uh yesterday and it was my boyfriend and we argued because he's trying to be healthy and workout and save money and so and so by doing that what he does is he orders pizza in so he's not saving money and he's not being healthy and so i got frustrated with him 'cause i'm constantly trying to push him to be healthy and each time he's like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it so he's constantly breaking promises that's another thing that makes me angry is people that don't follow through about other people or about myself or angry xxxx [laughter] um angry i guess i'll go with that no i don't feel angry often dang it that is a tough one how 'bout just getting paid to be me um i don't know that what i'm kind of trying to figure out right now 'cause i quit my full time job 'cause i hated it it was just mostly sitting in an office all day which i thought was extremely boring so now i work in a restaurant job and i'm trying to look for a second job to support myself um my dream job i don't know what it would be but i know it would involve people and i'd love to have some kind of like finished product or some kind of accomplishment towards the end i guess it's something that i realized i like to see the result from all my hard work 'cause i majored in sociology and as much as i loved that major is you realize it's a whole lot of theorizing and arguing but with no real solution so it's just like at the end all you have is just these theoretical elements that you can't really do anything with and nothing to show for your work except for a piece of paper with your essays or notes so something to do with people and maybe something artistic i love photography i love cooking baking in particularly so i don't know something in that realm i guess i used to travel a lot my family is known for traveling we've gone to gosh seven eight different countries i've lived in three or four different countries i haven't traveled a lot lately just because i have no money and jobs kinda tie you down but i would love to have that i guess my dream job would be a photographer that for national geographic that would be awesome um or a huge photographer that travels that'd be awesome too but anyways um yeah i do travel a lot in the new places new faces new experiences i get restless very easily so it's nice to constantly be on the move and see different things and see different cultures and types of people and just not get stuck in the same routine i hate the routine and mundaneness of everyday life so it's nice to stir things up oh gosh okay um i'm trying to think one of my trips i guess we can talk about i don't know it's funny even though i've been to lots of different countries one of my most memorable memorable trips is one of the trips that i took with my family i was a three week roadtrip with my family there's five of us packed in a tiny little station wagon i know needless to say it's like when you're that close proximity for three weeks camping you start getting on each others' nerves but it was really fun and like even though i've traveled so many places i realized that there's like such a beauty in the american landscape and so we were all around the southwest and the grand canyon to zion to the grand tetons to yellowstone and it was absolutely amazing just seeing all that natural beauty so um and we saw a grizzly bear black bear lots of bison a wolf and it was really cool those kinds of i don't know natural wonders also really amaze me 'cause those things aren't man made and as as pretentious as it sounds after a while europe kinda gets not old but it's like you know you get the same idea like white old white men building great buildings and art work and it's beautiful and all but like you just kind of like okay i wanna see something that's natural and beautiful or something that's different too cool um pretty easy as long as I get well no i always sleep so easy oh grumpy and just very lethargic and just low energy don't say much and just kinda off in my own world i not not anymore i usually get enough sleep and i've been working out more so it's kind of energizing me so no it's not too bad that's good uh i guess i've just been more negative but it has to do with like circumstances kind of like uh it's been about five months since i quit my full time job haven't found anything else haven't really found anything else i'm interested in so it's more of just like ugh what am i doing da da da that kind of thing yeah it's it is hard the market and just like i'm very picky 'cause i don't wanna just sittin in a little my own cubicle 'cause i quit my job exactly for that reason so why go back to another job just do the same exact thing that i quit my other job for so it's just like i have to make it worthwhile that i quit my last job to get a better job so it's just kinda like i'm stuck in this section of just like living paycheck to paycheck barely making it and just waiting for the right opportunity to come across but it's like when do i give up and sell my soul and go back to the corporate world of sitting in little cubicles i don't know yeah it is hard but i mean i guess everyone goes through that same situation after college so but i guess it's tough 'cause a lot of my friends 'cause i went to a pretty good school and you know i have a friend who's teaching english in afghanistan and i have another one who's met the president you know and one that's doing teach for america another friend who's in harvard uh school for like harvard masters [mass] you know getting her masters so it's kind of like ahh all that comparison and then here i am working a little restaurant job so uh i do sometimes yes but i'm going to hawaii next week so right now i'm fine [laughter] yes but yeah usually it's been kind of like down because i'm just trying to find like what i'm supposed to like you know what do i want to do next and like money situations which is very stressful especially when you have school loans to pay off insurance rent car loans like it's just groceries like i can't even afford groceries so it's just hard to like live this way especially after you've paid so much money for like an amazing college education so it's a little bit frustrating but there's a lot of people in the same situation it's all good uh no i don't think so but i mean i think everyone goes through depression here and there so i don't know if you can but not like medically diagnose i'm not on meds nope nope oh let's see uh to try lots of different things and not be afraid to fail 'cause i'm one of those people if i'm not gonna be the best at something then i'm just not gonna try i accept the best or nothing at all go big or go home so but i think i would've told my high school self that go and try lots of things even if it means i'm not gonna be the best at it so ten years ago well that would've made me like twelve so [laughter] um i used to do a lot of things i i used to act i think i would've continued doing that i used to write a lot when i was younger i used to write miniature like little stories short stories for my parents all the time and i kind of stopped doing those things 'cause it's like oh i'm not good at it so i'm not gonna do it and i think if i just continued doing those things and tried you know different classes um i don't know different sports i kinda just stuck with soccer growing up i don't know just expand myself more rather than like find something i'm good at and just stay with it but never really try harder kinda just like stay i always kinda stayed at one level but once i'm good i just stay for good i don't try to go above that if that makes any sense uh right now it's super lame but i watch t_v [laughter] but i used to read a i used to read on my off time or just listen to music or just take a nap or bake but now it's just like since i'm on my feet all day and like constantly interacting with people i just kinda wanna unwind by like sitting and lying on the couch and being like i'm done so [laughter] that's a tough question um probably the day i got accepted into pomona college um i was a freshman at wellesley college which is the women's college back east and i hated it from like the second from like the first week i just knew that i chose the wrong college and i was like miserable for the entire year and i only only applied to one school to transfer pomona college like that's out in claremont and um i didn't think i was gonna get in and i was 'cause it was like a four percent acceptance rate and i was like what are the chances like this is ridiculous i don't think i'm gonna get in and i was like you know the thought of going back to wellesley was super depressing um but then i got an email from one of the admission counselors that i had met when i was visiting pomona and he was like hi tatiana like um just wanted to see if you had any last minute questions about pomona hope all is well and i was like why would he be emailing me the day we find out if we got you know accepted or not um unless i got the acceptance and so sure enough a couple hours later i got the email that i was accepted into pomona and i was ecstatic that was like that best day of my life i was so happy that's probably one yeah it was awesome then i took my mom and my little brother out to dinner and i went and bought myself some new dresses went and just like went crazy dyed my hair pierced my nose i was like let's start this whole thing over so [laughter] yeah bubbly fun maybe moody you never know what you're gonna get sometimes um probably uh definitely friendly um and pretty like a positive person um but sometimes maybe a little bit aggressive but for the most part i think positive things i mean she's my best friend so [laughter] huh really happy oh when i was in mexico over winter well no i don't know my boyfriend took me on a sailing trip down in san clemente and that was really fun and we just like went sailing and walked around the missions hung out on the beach that was really fun that was a good time yeah it was cool [laughter] bye,0 +308, los angeles california yes um the southern california lifestyle the beaches the um active lifestyle the traffic the pretentious people um my teachers um i don't know certain teachers um got uh spiritual teachers that i um find a lot of guidance from that's it mm i like to skateboard and and just stay active stay healthy um anything that's um outdoors and active and healthy hiking biking rollerblading skateboarding all the above mm no mm not really in a position to travel financially if i could i'm sure i would enjoy seeing all the different cultures and places and meeting all the different people and all the interesting structures and uh the food so i meditate and i skateboard well i can meditate on my board mm i meditate it helps me relax um sometimes if i don't really feel like skating hard i'll just go for a nice uh sunset skate and meditate a nice two hour skate just relax mm it's not that hard you just gotta get to the skate spots you know i usually like skating um there's some good good spay skate spots in l_a streets in l_a uh the beaches is always good so uh just uh it's really not that hard at all the situation with my life right now um i can't find a fucking job i don't even care about a good job i just need a job anything that pays um just gets gets just gets hard after awhile i don't i applied from a anywhere and everywhere from entry level to management to anywhere in between and um i can't find a job i can't get a job so i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying it is what it is yeah it's pretty depressing it's hard sucks mm it isn't it isn't yes it eh yes that happens often uh last night i couldn't sleep mm just uh thinking about my situation um my car payment was due yesterday and i just i don't know if i have what it takes to continue to do this you know i survive day by day trying to see if i can eat at the end of the day um yes mm about three years ago four years ago couple years ago my mood was just not right i was always feeling down and depressed and lack of energy always wanting to sleep um lack of interest i've gone to therapy it has been useful for me in the past is it useful for me now i don't know i don't have health insurance um i would love to talk to someone i just feel like i don't have anyone so i don't depend on anyone oh yeah i've always felt depressed in my life mm lack of energy wanting to sleep a lot lack of interest my appetite was uncontrollable either lack of or i was just being gluttonous and eating the wrong things yes my sister just passed away it's alright six months ago and i became homeless and jobless two weeks ago and it got to a point where i just missed her and i wanted to be with her so mm pretty dysfunctional family you know really can't depend on them that's why i just depend on myself so it is what it is what are you gonna do i'd like to give up but my parents just buried their daughter six months ago they don't wanna bury their other daughter so i don't know i don't know just uh i just haven't had good luck i was a corporate manager for twenty years and uh who would've known twenty years ago what advice i would've given myself because i tried to commit suicide instead of returning back to work and so now it's just uh it's been rough trying to pick up all the pieces and get my life back together um i don't know what advice i would give myself when i started with my corporate job twenty years ago because i didn't know i'd be here twenty years later you know really happy um a couple days ago this week i've been trying to make ends meet i've got a lot of things sprouting i've got a lot of things that are happening for me but i need like two more weeks here in l_a so i can connect the dots but financially i don't have what it takes to stay here for two more weeks so i was happy because i was getting call backs and um things were starting to look up for me but it's just um time again isn't on my side so my car is packed and i'm hitting the road and i'm taking off and i'm leaving l_a so uh loyal emotional strong that's it um i have been lately um i was an extrovert for twenty years when i was a corporate manager and now i am quite an introvert and i stick to myself uh circumstances in my life i don't feel as confident i don't feel as uh charming and as social mm i don't know it's hard to say can't really answer that one thank you bye,1 +309, yeah i'm doing good uh arizona uh because of acting and other stuff like that entertain enterainment industry no not at the moment at least um currently uh currently a student uh i produce hip hop uh well i rap and produce hip hop i play video games and then hang out with people no not very good i break things uh on the way over here my mom and how to get here the beach it's a fucking computer dude uh no the last place i went was los cabos no not los cabos uh fuck where'd i go somewhere in mexico no no yes uh like four years ago right now no lately not very easy no just lately uh well my wife left like three weeks ago and after that i haven't been able to sleep uh i don't know i just bury me head in stuff i don't know i just do stuff i try to keep my mind off of it like do yoga and other things to keep my mind off of everything i don't have i never went to therapy wait no i did go to therapy like three four years ago 'cause i went to a separate therapist but then i went to a a thing where i they they did a bunch of uh cognitive tests tests and memory tests and then she diagnosed me with a type of depression that lasts for a long time like i get depressed and it last for months on end yeah uh to be honest i don't know i think it's more about like you focusing on yourself and like i don't know i don't know how to explain that it's like you have to figure out things within yourself you don't need someone else to talk to well originally when i went to a therapist i was court ordered now i wanna go to therapy for my anger management though i don't know what the fuck i mean my wife left like three weeks ago so yes uh it's probably the hardest thing i've ever done so yeah well considering i'm only nineteen if i could go back nineteen years i would say not to fuck up and let myself get depressed about certain things that would've drove away my wife and not to be angry yeah driving away my wife yes many many things every day every day well i could've not broken stuff and i could've uh stopped uh like i was basically blocking out the external universe and i was putting everything into myself and like focusing on other things so that i don't focus on the real life i was basically escaping and so in that sense i wasn't paying attention to her and that's basically why she left i mean that and being angry 'cause like both contributed their own proportion their own portion earlier today uh i mean i feel really happy all the time and then it just like goes away it's like back and forth like one day i'll one second i'll be really happy and then another second i'll be really sad 'cause i'll think about something again and it's like i gotta keep my mind off of things and like move forward and like think and i don't really know how to explain it it's just something you feel no you need better programming uh silly uh i'm creative uh uh potential of intelligence i'm charming i'm loving at some points i'm all of those things some points i'm not doing yoga and playing video games and having my wife around my hip hop i mean kid travelier you need better programming kid travelier is my friend to be a hip hop artist i don't know i just thought it one day not hard anymore i mean it was hard while i was practicing when i was younger when i was like eleven or twelve now it's just easy i'm still in school no problem yeah have a nice day bye bye,1 +310, yes it's okay fine i live in hollywood uh seattle uh it's kind of a vague question um just needed a change of scenery uh i like traveling by train it's not my favorite thing uh because i don't fly i i can't stand airplanes so i prefer trains yeah uh what uh flying on an airplane mm probably december of nineteen eighty six or eighty seven uh it's nothing uh much to tell really my usually i just go from l_a up to seattle then up to vancouver that's probably the main thing i do so took the train uh not very often so once every five years or so so oh yeah sure absolutely yeah uh depends on what it is that i'm annoyed by could be anything depends it depends on whether it's uh a something or a someone you know eh if it's a someone i mean i'm i don't i don't uh i don't get physical towards them but i mean i've depends on what they've done to piss me off i mean i'm certainly not above uh shouting at them for whatever reason so just depends uh in terms of lashing out at other people physically i don't do that but in order to let off some aggressions if if need be i'll i'm not above you know punching a wall or punching something nearby i just i mean i'm not trying to you know just as long as it doesn't physically hurt me but but i i you know just get some steam let off let off some steam well that's normal for me uh face to face uh mm can't remember it's been a long time eh but i mean eh but i argue about with people online about stupid shit yeah and that's that's normal shit but as far as like face to face you know it's been a long time and currently or or overall which one i mean someone i'm in contact with now or someone from maybe from my past or which is it okay uh my mom had a uh uh a boyfriend when i was a teenager he was like a father figure when i was about fourteen so he was a pretty positive influence not at all to uh open up a record shop yeah uh i'm an unemployed office worker right now as in what doing what be more specific going on a first date with a a girlfriend back in uh two thousand seven when we first met uh just made arrangements to meet her and her daughter and her daughter's friends at the queen mary in long beach and uh you know i had to cement the evening to cement the day and evening together uh hanging out and eating dinner and just ate at their hotel and yeah just got to know each other that way so yeah it was yeah uh well we were that was the beginning of a relationship at the same so that was that's how i knew her you know she was my girlfriend at the time so so currently yeah i do yeah uh i don't it sucks balls i hate to have roommates it sucks god mm in some ways it's okay 'cause they don't see me that much 'cause i'm not really around them and other times i i need i need to have my own space you know so uh it's difficult for me that way but we get uh get along but i i don't really see them that much and that's by design so uh i like to be alone sometimes i read but just mainly i i just like to be alone maybe maybe just doing nothing so just depends no no no i'm sorry you repeat that no not necessarily very i'm a heavy sleeper i don't know that i would call it down but i'm not necessarily what you would call you know cheery but i don't know that i'm necessarily down yeah yeah all the time uh mm it's hard to say i i don't know i uh i'm not sure mm i don't know that i'm really one the one to ask you know i think you have to ask someone else about that you know i have a difficult time answering that question most proud of uh that i didn't didn't fall into drugs like a lot of other other people that i know yeah hmm listening to music on vinyl being around dogs mm uh spent new year's eve with a friend real close friend so not really i'm glad i don't have any i think they're uh especially here in los angeles i i they drive me nuts i can't stand them uh i assume you mean post-high school um uh briefly just took basic uh what did i take uh just general studies i from what i remember i i i i actually didn't finish i quit to uh uh go play in a band so i i i skipped a lot of school so i didn't really you know so nothing uh it was a junior college or community college so it was i didn't go to university so i was just do what stop going i just wasn't interested my interests were elsewhere so i just i just quit going you know so in terms of what oh sure everyone has regret over something you know i'm i'm not gonna get specific but yeah sure i there are things i regret sure mm twenty years ago what was that ninety three oh mm well ten years ago uh two thousand and three hmm it's hard to say it's hard to say gonna have to have to come back to that one maybe oh i don't have a best friend these days i think it depends on your definition of friend uh i don't uh i don't hang out with too many people you know i had i had best i had a so-called best friend you know but that was like no twenty year twenty some odd years ago you know i don't really i'm very much a loner these days so i i don't really have what you would consider a best or really close friend you know eh i just don't have that okay see ya ,0 +311, yes okay uh when'd i move to l_a um moved here a long time ago to live to go to work um well arizona and colorado i don't uh money don't have the money for it l_a's much nicer um the people the movies uh the ocean uh when you wake up in the morning there's seagulls instead of birds just you know regular birds uh the roads the roads really have a lot of potholes yeah so it it wasn't hard to get used i i didn't like arizona at all it's really nice in l_a no what i do now um i sleep eat walk my dogs that's about it what'd be my dream job um i don't know uh screenwriter i guess um i understand it's pretty hard to write a good screenplay yes uh very well um well i didn't argue with a real person yes i have a person that i hear once in awhile and i talk to them and i had an argument about them listening on my phone uh avoidance whatever annoys me um being homeless yes it was um well they don't particularly like homeless people in l_a so it was it's really hard if you're homeless oh right now i live in an apartment uh i don't i don't like the neighbors um well they they harass you all the time so i don't come out of the apartment so uh well i didn't know when i moved there that they were horrible people so and i've complained to management but they don't do anything about it they just tell me to move yes um back in the nineties uh crying all the time yeah yeah uh yes yes i was in the hospital um uh two months ago for fifteen days um i was in there for depression for arguing with uh a person that's not real i ignore the person when i hear them and uh it's not hard anymore it was before i was going to therapy oh it's helped me uh be more cheerful and uh ignore things that bother me uh sleeping all the time eating too much uh tie arguing screaming at this unreal person um before i found out no uh lately i've still been pretty depressed yes very hard well i wake up about every two hours to go to the bathroom and um or i uh something wakes some noise wakes me up so i don't sleep well and i'm tired all the time mm don't remember um ah spending time with my dog or dogs i have two dogs so mm can't think of anything uh i try hard uh i have no idea i don't know yeah uh my kids i have two kids a girl and a boy um the kids they're great so uh trying to get them to do the right thing uh trying to get them to stay in school no um well you try to do the right thing and um it doesn't always work out yes oh well pretty close um what do i think about today's kids oh they're just like any other kids um kids are fine so yes moving to the apartment i'm living in so like i said i know what advice i'd give myself ten or twenty years ago um uh uh stay away from my ex-husband so a positive influence well my daughter i think i think my daughter has she uh because she's going to graduate from college in may and so she's managed to stay in school and she has a child but she's trying to do the right things do you wanna talk about anything else oh okay oh okay goodbye ,1 +312, yes fine how about you here yes the weather weather mainly yeah the main the weather sorry not the people well some of the people stuff like that some people okay i'm cutting you off not as much as i used to um i used to be in school i used to travel a lot of places for conferences and things like that but i'm not in school right now but later on i'll get back into school and i'll travel more but right no doubt i don't i don't enjoy traveling uh that's a good question you're actually pretty good um i studied physics and aerospace engineering but physics mainly yes i am actually right now i teach community college physics and astronomy uh but i still do research in physics also because i like that type of thing and i'm going back to grad school hopefully that's why i'm nervous sometimes on the questionnaire impressive professor at a place like u_s_c or u_c or l_a or like that where the professors do three hours of work a week and the grad students do the rest you're actually pretty good at this i there's a lot of people the the first one i guess is my physics teacher in a_p physics teacher in high school even though he led me to be an engineer instead of a physics major um he still was a very good influence he told me you know he's the first one who taught me that school was not about a grade but about learning okay i'm pretty good i think i'm single so i don't get in many arguments um but it's probably my brother about he always like to uh play a video game together i know i'm pretty old to play video games but they're actually pretty good um it's probably something like that and me getting angry at him and him trying to defend himself and me being right that's all fairly close um i see them pretty pretty often parents i see a couple times a week they're getting older so i've been helping with groceries things like that and my brother i see same same with him same amount same time my sister i tutor her kids my nephews uh so i see 'em about once a week also interesting yes because i spend long periods of time doing math and reading and not talking to anybody that's introverted i guess i play video games or and i work out i work out i think a lot i try to at least i roll my eyes which i've been told is a bad thing um and that's about it i think bad parenting basically parents are more self-centered more to themselves unlike previous generations and the kids just do what they want because the parents aren't there for the parents aren't being parents in my personal own personal opinion um i guess scrubbed_entry um scrubbed_entry scrubbed_entry thank you i don't really have a best friend introverted remember i'm biased obviously but they are i'm really good in math i'm not really sure if you can't not saying you can't get better than me in math but thing is it's just that you get reach a certain confidence with it where no matter what it is you need to learn in math you can always figure it out um i am patient i think and i am disciplined where i can spend i can spend many hours many many many hours reading books that might not be important but they might be important so i have to do it anyway that type of thing when i a good workout doing well in video games small little things like that um what's really happy is when my my research type thing mathematical or physics type thing when it goes well that must puts me in a mood that puts me in a good mood thank you right now it's the fact that research that i did i did make it this far research wise that's all that's all interesting um when you start off in school you read about einstein and things like that it's he's this general xxx hero particle physics and you have no idea what it is and you know it's very complicated things like quantum mechanics and you still haven't realized you're interested in that and but you're not sure if you can actually make it and eventually each step as a lot of time goes by you wish you as time goes on you can get closer and closer eventually make the goal eventually you realize you are just not as good as einstein but you are up there you can do research in physics you can add to mass knowledge in science and that's impressive that you you don't see yourself doing that when you're a kid okay um a few weeks ago when i got a good grade in a class thank you yes briefly many years ago yes i don't know it just always growing up i always thought that was i always thought it was my dream when i was a kid that's why and i just went about doing that um i was a national guard i think about eighteen nineteen i got commissioned at twenty twenty one and i was only in for about a year so i left at twenty twenty two yes not really i don't think it did i think it's just something that you grew up something about something i grew up already expecting to be so it didn't change me as much graduate school in physics no nope it depends if i workout really hard the night before the day the day before if workout pretty hard it's bad but if i don't workout it i don't know just eh it's hard i guess moderately thank you yes it's okay i'm probably like i am now normal i think not as not as happy about everything but still pretty okay i can still function no maybe slightly sorry no yes yes i have changes in my thoughts um applying to grad school again it's been awhile and slightly apprehensive happy that it's looks good but apprehensive that it might not be good and things like that what do you mean by that in case i know this is a computer but as in how hard is it to deal with these thoughts or how hard is it to go into grad school i understand okay i agree no not really probably keep doing what you're doing even though i'm not that old believe it or not um twenty years ago i was probably fifteen no no yeah yeah it was fifteen um just keep doing what you're doing i think i i was very lucky and fortunate way it worked out if i worked if it was a little bit different i don't think it'd worked out so well even though it's not perfect now i think i'm doing really well personally thank you same here goodbye,0 +313, sure uh okay i guess not bad not good so so denver colorado uh to pursue job opportunities uh about two years ago uh once or twice a year uh i really like the sunshine um all the opportunities all the different kinds of people lots of stuff to do that sort of thing uh i hate the traffic i wish the seasons were more distinct and that everything costs a lot of money here pretty easy hmm i'd say uh people are rude um not having enough money uh what else mm just a lot of things are frustrating i guess i guess it depends on what i'm annoyed about like if it's at another person or about something i did or just life in general uh if somebody like a person annoys me i'll probably let them know they're annoying me until they stop is that what you're talking about okay uh so so not not as good as i'd like to be uh a few days ago about getting paid for something i did on time uh pretty pissed off taken advantage of i like to go to the gym uh hang out with friends read write that sort of thing mm at times uh because sometimes i like to keep to myself and don't feel like showing a lot of outward emotion i have a degree in in liberal arts majored in political science no i work uh in sales hmm to own uh several of my own businesses and and have lots of money coming in from different streams i guess if that's a job uh i used to live in mexico city that was pretty memorable um let's see it was pretty different than anything i've ever experienced it was a lot of fun exposed to a lot of new things and new people uh i was pretty young carefree good times um not recently but i have in my life traveled quite a bit um let's see i went to london that was a lot of fun pretty cool city little too expensive but definitely cool of what just anything in life um let's see uh boy that's a good question um moving to l_a was pretty memorable took me a lot of hard work to uh move here so that was memorable i would say hmm uh maybe like six months ago uh things were just going really well didn't have much stress in my life uh yeah i'm i'm easier more easily irritated and uh yell more tired more uh kind of down feeling down more not as productive uh yeah awhile ago uh hmm mm don't know exactly it's been a few years but i still feel the same as i did when they diagnosed me so i assume i'm still depressed um well i just i'm a big believer in talking to people about your problems so i just thought that would uh be a good idea so i did it and and that's what i found out oh yeah definitely um i mean it depends on what you mean by therapy like i or most people probably can't afford good therapy but just even talking to friends i would consider therapy somebody who will listen so helps you get stuff off your chest thanks um well i haven't necessarily seen a therapist per se but uh when you talk to somebody who listens and you and you get stuff like out there like out of your head or whatever it it's uh it helps to destress i think hmm pretty girls um i'm a good leader i'm really smart uh being able to um survive on my own in a city like this completely on my own with no outside help yeah lots of stuff um just dumb mistakes i made when i was younger that looking back now with what i know now i probably would not have made um i would tell myself to seek out and listen to people older than me as much as possible hmm scrubbed_entry he's always good for a sort of pep talk but uh with a dose of reality he doesn't sugarcoat anything so talking to him always helps give me perspective um talented and i don't know good at stuff i'm good at a lot of stuff people seem to notice that i i guess nice good disposition funny see you later,1 +314, yes quite well feel good los angeles california here mhm one of the few um native born los angelinos i uh home school my ten year old son and uh i'm a home maker i have five children and married twenty two years mhm so that's a full time job huh uh somewhat we can we went to israel about two months ago um for a pilgrimmage with our church yeah so i would say yes i've traveled a bit uh well most recently we like two months ago went to israel for a pilgrimmage we were gone about nine days and it was fabulous it was we spent the first five days in chorazine which is near the uh galilee and in a place called uh uh i mean the the name of the area is chorazine but uh we stayed in a place called adonis galilea which is a um a house for that welcomes um christian uh pilgrims as well as jewish pilgrims um i i enjoy like really the most important thing i enjoy is like meeting the people and and of course seeing the the history i mean especially israel i mean it's the it's totally ancient but um most most i enjoy is is the the people i think to uh get a better understanding of how different cultures um live no not at all just don't i you know all my life i've always been open and and uh willing to socialize and i remember my younger brother always um joking and saying that i i would talk to anybody and i will i'll talk to just about anybody just because i enjoy learning about other people um most of the time like by the end of the day after i've cooked dinner and we've had dinner together as a family um i there's a word game on the computer that i like to play for a little while and then um watch t_v have a cocktail with my husband and just relax that's what we do and you know 'cause we have a lot going on we don't stay up too late so i like to watch crime dramas um really mad probably not a lot um i get frustrated with for example my daughter does not clean up her room almost ever so that that gets me angry but um in terms of like really um getting like heatedly angry i mean other than like little things that my children do to you know especially my oldest child who's twenty one you know he can be confrontational so other than that nothing gets me like really angry haven't i haven't haven't felt that um contributing to society helping uh helping to raise um responsible people i guess um and of course the love and the affection and the um the fun and the excitement that goes with it of all the stages that go i mean like really right now i'm in a stage where my children are either adults or teenagers i only have i have one eleven year old and the rest are all teenagers and adults so it's really fun because we're able to um talk about current events and all kinds of stuff that's going on in the world and you know have have uh challenging discussions and that sort of thing so it's it's a different level than when you're taking care of babies and you know changing diapers and that kind of stuff the hardest thing is that it's twenty four seven um you're never not a parent you know it's and so you have to accept that and that's i remember when i first with my first child um thinking you know when i brought him home from the hospital this is it i mean there's no going back you you cannot um change i mean i guess you could if you did something horrible but i mean under normal circumstances you can't change um that and it's a permanent thing and um it it it uh in some ways it takes away your freedom but in other ways it give you a different sort of freedom mhm always i'm sorry i didn't get what you said um some of the things that've been a positive influence in my life most importantly my church um and my faith uh but also my husband he's been a really um he's kind of he's very like logical thinking and very you know grounded so when if i get emotional or i get upset about something he's always we balance each other out likewise if he's upset about something i'm able to balance him out it's been a that's been a a great gift in my life um i don't i i don't think i'd be categorized as somebody with a a temper um occasionally i i occasionally i get angry but i don't like have like rarely do i have outbursts um i'm more more likely to you know to say what i feel not let it build up so with you know like my husband and i don't rarely fight like have arguments that are yelling and screaming or anything like that it almost never happens because i i like i said i'm more of a type of person that communicates on the spot so if i'm thinking something i usually communicate it right away instead of letting it build up um usually i'm arguing with my older son because he um you know he thinks he knows everything he's twenty one years old so he has the know it all mentality and i'm just telling him that he doesn't know it all and you know as life goes on he'll learn more he's very confident and very self uh self uh what's the word self assured and so he thinks that you know everything he does is correct and he still has a lot of learning to do that's all mhm it is it can be mhm i think um that many of them are um spoiled and live in an environment of uh of instant gratification um which i think is gonna be um detrimental to the to the future of this country but um you know given that with all the technology we have there's really not any way to go back so i i have um hope that um they will i mean i think this country was built on on uh hard work and and ethics and uh hopefully our our the next generation and the the generations after that can maintain that um that standard of living i don't know if it's possible mm as loving nurturing um funny we laugh a lot and um caring honest things that uh i mean my best i have well actually my best friend is it's two people it's two sisters that i grew up with and um we i for some years took care of their mother who has alzheimers before my parents got sick so i had a very close have a very close relationship with them still do and so um i'm considered the fourth sister so i would say that those are my best friends and and um we love each other very much it's a good relationship no no yes most mostly mm minorly depression it was more anxiety um probably um um it's probably been five or six years i mean i've had if off and on all my life but it was never diagnosed originally like as a teenager i think is when i first had started with the anxiety but um other than that i i you know so depression kind of goes with anxiety if it's not under control um but now it's under control so i have a great huh um no i think it was what they call free [flee] float free floating anxiety more of a of of uh organic um reason for it in other words there there was a chemical imbalance in my brain i've been feeling pretty good actually the holidays were great um we had a good family gatherings a little stressed because um we're making a big decision right now to help my parents out um my dad is really sick um and we've offered to move in with them they have a big home but we would have to do a lot of some renovation and some to help and some obviously moving around and so we're in the throws of that and um so that's a big big change but i'm looking forward to it because really don't want my parents to be alone as they get they're in their eighties so as they get closer to death i want to have my family there with them um not easy usually all of my life i think i've always i mean i'm not i've always had um at least i wake up at least once in the middle of the night um to go to the bathroom basically and uh other than that i mean no now i sleep well i mean other than that i sleep well but sometimes if i wake up like really early in the morning then i can't go back to sleep i'll get up and maybe do some work on the computer and then go back to bed and go back to sleep idepends on what my schedule is and if the kids are have to be at the school early and there's a lot of factors yeah sometimes it does mm probably basically the same i think i might complain a bit like oh i'm tired or my body hurts or whatever you know but um i think overall probably the same my kids know i'll be i'll tell me kids oh i'm really tired and they'll understand my older daughter will be really helpful they my other daughter will try to cook dinner or something like that so you know they may pitch in a little bit more uh not really not not no not really not anything significant huh um actually yes i do i do feel like therapy is useful um well uh we had a situation with my daughter um she also suffers from anxiety and um we have had her in therapy for some time and we just recently we're about to finish a group with her that was a six month um uh group for d_b_t it's called and it's like a it's the first time they it's the first time they're documenting using it with teenagers and um it's been really good it's been very helpful it's just all about how to live in the moment and how to you know actual physical and mental um strategies to keep your uh keep you from your mind from going crazy you know worrying about things or you know in this case some of the kids have tried to harm themselves or whatever so um that's the focus of the therapy and it's been really good my husband and i both have been going with our daughter and it's been really um really informational and really helpful i think oh my daughter was um she was in a bad way she was you know suffering a lot and we knew it and um we acted on it that's all um like really joyful and happy i would say probably when probably it would be in israel when we renewed our marriage vows in the the at the in knaan uh so um you know where the wedding of kana took place that was really moving and beautiful um and it was it happened that our anniversary was we left on our anniversary day flew to israel so it was right at the same time it was beautiful very meaningful and other than that i would say you know like uh other joyful occasions have been you know like christmas and you know family gatherings and you know my dad's birthday turned eighty three on christmas eve you know that kinda thing so um um that's an interesting question i would say um once i get like things done that i need to do like if i'm have a lot of chores [ch] a lot of either work to do around the house or errands to run once i get them done i feel like a sense of accomplishment you know much like i mean i worked for many years in a as an administrative manager at u_c_l_a and um you know once you get a project done or you get your whatever month end stuff done or if there's a lot of different things you have to meet deadlines there's uh that feeling of like yeah i got it done you know so i think that would be you know for me the most um most recent um way of feeling good and feeling you know like feeling accomplished dream job hm i think i've already lived it i'm also a birth doula and um yeah and um so i've attended a lot of births and now i really only do it for family and friends and um it's the most rewarding thing you could possibly ask to be involved in the birth the bringing of new life into this world so i would say that's probably was my was a dream job and i didn't know it i trained much after you know i did my managerial stuff and um was awesome it is and was awesome so i don't work at at a hospital anymore actually the hospital that i worked at is now closed but um i like i said i do it for family members um i attended a friend of mine's birth by accident she uh she had had the same o_b as i did with all my children and um i came to bring food for her husband when she was in labor we were you know close friends and her labor picked up quite a bit when i got there you know she wanted me to stay she didn't want me to leave i hadn't planned on it so that was the first birth that i had attended outside of you know myself giving birth which is a whole different experience so after that i was really interesting interested in possibly study un nurse midwifery but then i discovered this thing called being a doula which is really gives you even a lot more hands on uh one on one contact with the patient which is what i like so i trained to do that at at a hospital in inglewood um about fifteen years ago 'cause my son is fifteen and he was a year old no sixteen he was a year old so um yeah and i've been um well it can be challenging in terms of hours it depends on how long the woman's in labor but uh and you know also like for me i always tell my friends and family if they want me to be their doula that i cannot guarantee a hundred percent i'm not doing it for business and that way and because of that i don't have like back up doulas that in case i'm sick or unavailable somebody else can fill in for me so um but so far it's been that all the women that've asked me i've been able to be there for some reason so the um the uh the only one that i missed was one a friend of mine from church she wanted me to go with her second baby i was with her for her first but the labor went so fast she didn't even call me [laughter] it was in the middle of the night she was like two hours of labor she wouldn't even if she had called me i wouldn't have been there in time [laughter] so um it went really fast but other than that you know um yeah i've been been been able to attend all the births of people that have asked me to do um in all of life or in your job uh probably my my own birth i mean my the birth of my own children um like there's an extreme sense of joy excitement relief because of course you're out of the pain and then like it's just it's just a matter of you know going forward from there but it's it's like something you can't explain it's it's just it's awesome after you give birth and i have experienced both ways i've done both um natural and my last child was via c_section so i've had both both um experiences um i with my third child i had kind of a crazy nurse she was a little psychotic but other than that we laugh about it now but when i was in labor it wasn't funny and um she she was not there when the doctor i mean it was my my third child was born very quickly after he broke the water and oof my husband was there but she was not nor was the doctor and she got in a lot of trouble because i only had like two contractions after that my daughter was born in the bed so for me it was great 'cause i didn't have to go through any of the labor but um i'm sure they weren't happy to fill out a lot of paper work after that so now would i give mysef for ten or twenty years ago um ten or twenty years ago i was probably more not as um relaxed not as um like i feel now at my age that um i i don't have the same concerns that i did then i don't worry about uh i don't worry at all about what people think about me i don't worry at all about what you know you know like my i noticed my daughter's oh mom you can't wear that because people are gonna say this i just say i don't care you know but they do because it's still in their frame of mind that that oh mom you have to dress like this and dress like that whatever so that would probably be it the wisdom that you you achieve with age that you you see how life there are so many things that are more important in life than worrying about little things what are you most proud of in your life most proud of um probably my family my my husband and my my children i mean the fact that we've stayed married that we've we're an in tact family that um my kids see every day how their friends suffer who come from divorced families or single parents and they um they actually express gratitude sometimes that we are married and we still you know we are still a family so i would say that's probably it um probably the one of my best qualities is uh being able to listen to people and being able to um not be judgmental um through the years i've had a a lot of experience with um people with problems a lot of friends with problems people i know from church and it's just taught me that um everybody has weaknesses everybody has problems and um i don't think i'm better than someone else if you think you're better than someone else then that's usually um to me a sign that you don't know yourself well enough okay okay goodbye,0 +315, alright yes okay and you inglewood california yes no uh it's okay um you mean my girlfriend and my daughter yes they're they're okay it's okay it's cool yes i do um well i'm a football recruiter so i travel uh all around the world to to sign different football players for our sports management company uh um just the independence about it being alone being able to be free and not tied down to one to one thing you know it's great i i remember traveling to uh scrubbed_entry and take him to clubs and this and that and we're not that type of organization yeah um dishonesty i i don't like when people are are dishonest um that really really really bothers me and not true not honest not real um that that upsets me a lot um i tend to just try to free myself from the situation to clear my mind usually take a walk or something like that or just just just go in a room by myself and just try to clear my head my head um i'm okay with it at times um uh but i can defintely be better oh um i argued argued with my my lady a couple days ago and it was about um our daughter and some of the things she's doing in school and she she wants to raise her one way and i think i wanna raise her kind of a different way and discipline her a little more on certain situations so i think discipline discipline is a big key and the key is life and she she she was raised a little differently um i don't know just angry upset you know when you're in a argument that's what you feel so you do and say things that that that bother you and you just you go on with it um yeah uh a little bit um i don't know it just i eh just the way i feel i don't know i can't really say just the way i feel um a little a little um i don't know just um realness um honesty the truth just being straight out front um i'm pretty close um i'm pretty close with my family oh whole nother subject just they're raised different um i i think society society's gonna become even wilder with the way the kids are raised and no discipline and and the things they're doing everything we we they live and everything's inflated so much to where um it it's getting to a point where it's getting out of hand i think kids these days to a certain extent are are are much wilder than i was and and generations before me and just able to do and say and the lack of respect and you know just education-wise it's just i think it's just tough times for kids and and the way they act uh it's it's it's ridiculous to me um i definitely like to watch sports uh i i like to gamble i i like to travel i like to skate um i like kind of like uh a a a guy that likes to see different sights and go different places uh like different i'm a big movie person so i like going to theatres stuff like that um i'm actually living it um i i always wanted to be in in some kinda sports industry and that's what i'm doing now i just uh my goal was to get a little higher in the ladder and and own my own sports management company um but i'm doing pretty well for myself so i am happy yeah no no no um it's okay i'd say it's pretty easy irritated tired i don't know it's been awhile it's been awhile couple weeks ago huh what did you say no not really um i think he would describe me as a stand up guy i try to be um um a good loyal friend and and an adult i think he would describe me like that uh school went to school grew up together i've been knowing all my friends for pretty much all my life yeah uh very close me our our uh my friends and i are very close uh um we pretty much do a lot together still at this age uh i'm honest um i'm loyal very loyal um i am a hard worker i think i am um to a certain extent i'm just not the average guy i'm pretty much i'm a different different breed i just carry myself and act a little different from a normal guy i don't know just how what i was raised and how uh my dad was kinda different uh and and and he didn't go with the in crowd and i think i learned that from him a lot and and it's just it it's it's um kind of the same path i took um yes a lot of things i regret um i regret a lot of decisions in my life um yeah one um i actually let a a lady in my life go years ago that i thought was my soulmate and we had a big argument and one thing led to another and we decided to take a break and then that that break i i started dating somebody else and i told her i'ma go my way and she go her way i think that was a big a bad decision a very bad decision yeah totally i think i could've took a step back and really just thought about the situation a little more instead of uh being so upset and moving forward uh just upset um i tend to get upset and then my thoughts get clouded so uh mm i i need to think a little more when i'm upset uh i don't know just experience and time being you know making making up for your mistakes and and and and um being better about different decisions after you made the mistakes um think a little harder about situations uh about situations and and things and the decisions decisions that you make uh think a lot longer and harder before you make 'em and i think the outcome would been a little different today um my grandmother she's always been a um a a positive influence uh she's a great black woman um with a old school um ways of living so um i think i i i've added that to my life she's a great woman scrubbed_entry in baseball and um yeah um i was a pretty good player i was a pretty good athlete growing up um i was one of the top scrubbed_entry and uh that started a future in in athletics and that's what i wanted to do so i accomplished my goals so at the time it was a great a great thing and it still is a great thing it's a great accomplishment in my life um accomplishments being able to if i or if i'm have a goal or or something i'm supposed to do that week or that day and i accomplishment it always puts me in a good mood or getting my job done and i the way i'm supposed to do it in a in a timely fashion that always puts me in a good mood um being a positive role model right now um for younger kids that's in um our sports academy program i i think as i got older the thought process and um the way i look at life has totally changed and i think i a lot of kids can look up to me that i deal with now and say you know that's somebody that that is is a positive a positive influence in my life oh um couple days ago my football team um we're in the playoffs made the playoffs so that always makes me happy thank you thank you bye bye,0 +316, yes i'm fine new york uh for business now um i do hospitality i'm in between jobs when um excuse me um third lemmi see twenty six years ago mm once a year the sun the beach palm trees mm sometimes uh i the some of the people some of the flashiness uh the people are very self-centered flashiness they're some of them are not very sophisticated or eh well educated it was very easy i have a a teaching degree and a art degree designing for the movie industry extremely so i never really pursued it very mm no i like people and i like being around people i like having friends social activity uh people who aren't true about themselves hmm it happens all the time i usually try to just disregard it and i try not to get upset about it i argued with my sister about obama that whole fiscal cliff whatever that thing was called i was totally against anything that he thought he was doing to fix the economy mm i like swimming i like museums i like plays i like concerts i like dance traveling uh yes uh s being in a different environment learning different cultures meeting people well actually i was in new york uh couple of weeks ago and i haven't been back for a while and it was just exhilirating to me again i learned to to love new york all over again mhm no no yes uh couple years back i was feeling very not energized not energized and it was i was down huh sorry yes yes uh i i sleep a lot more and it's i'm not that motivated to go out and have fun yes um i haven't been happy at my jobs for at least ten years i eh i went through seeing my father be sick and then passing away and just recently seeing my mother my mother was sick for about four years and she finally passed away that was very hard on me mm well mm to a degree but not as much as i like i don't know that you know i know it's helped me a little bit but it's definitely not helped me as much as i want but also they can't get a job for you and it xxx correct i push myself farther to get out of the house or to try to enjoy life and to be you know better to myself yes when my uh nephew called me scrubbed_entry scrubbed_entry uh that i i'm a pretty good person caring person xxx i enjoyed well i went to to the movies recently which i haven't gone in awhile and i really enjoyed the films one was the life of pi and the other was anna and the other was anna karenina which i thoroughly enjoyed mm as a good caring friend and somebody who likes to do things mm i'd say my mom mm it's getting easier um she was the kind of person that even though this is kind of a cold hard world she set herself above that and was still determined to be a good caring person traveling uh not going farther in my education yes yes sorry i i don't understand the question sorry okay mm i should've gone gotten farther in in in my education gotten a master's or a p_h_d and i think my job search would be a lot easier yes yes uh that i've been a very kind considerate helpful person mhm hmm i like being around the arts i'm like about i like being around creative people thank you bye,1 +317, yes uh i'm okay a little sleepy right now i'm from new york um i wanted a change of environment and i wanted to start over somewhere um about two years ago um it took uh a bit of an a bit of adjustment so i'd say it was moderately uh difficult um just getting used to the lifestyle different um different pace different environment new people um i like the um the nightlife and it's kind of a cosmopolitan city um um it's a little crowded sometimes and the traffic gets a little hectic um never uh my family uh my parents passed away and my family and i no longer keep in touch so i'm pretty alone yeah uh sometimes yes um just locally travel since i've been here um a change of pace new environment and um relaxation and escape from reality um i haven't traveled in awhile i've been moving around but i uh long time ago i studied at i studied in paris and that was a fun time um probably um um this the schools um meeting new people at the schools there um i'd yes i'd say yes most of the time uh i don't know i've just i don't know why i'm like that i'm just always always been more reserved um pretty uh pretty good pretty controlled um when people are doing things that don't make any sense to me um just i i don't know when people seem to be deliberately trying to annoy me or i i can't be more specific right now i'm sorry um usually try to work it out by myself somehow uh i take walks and i take i do yoga um what do i do now for a living or for a living i'm i'm currently out of work i used to work for the county um see um um probably probably uh doing something creative that allows me to travel at the same time uh no yes um about maybe ten years ago um just feeling overwhelmed and anxious about some things that had happened and um so i went into therapy for a while yes yes uh i've been more confident a little more at ease with myself less anxious yes um kind of uh i guess sorta sorta depressed generally uh just uh feeling tired and sluggish and um less less motivated and less interested in things uh yes can you tell um i guess easy-going and um likes to have fun sometimes uh i'm smart and innovative and like to try new things very open-minded person very tolerant um uh music uh seeing movies any kind of uh adventure somewhere um i'd say yesterday i saw a movie and i felt better uh it was the james bond movie skyfall uh regret yes yeah um um be careful who you trust in life maybe um it doesn't uh it doesn't seem like it right now but possibly yes um i'd say maybe ten ten years ago or so um it was just a more carefree time i had less stress less of a burden on myself um and i had a good group of friends um i felt more um uh more capable and more confident about things i'd say uh i can't think of anyone actually right now um friends for about money issues spending too much um through school a long time ago um we just speak on the phone we don't really see each other anymore um i'd say finishing grad school and finishing um some training um at a sea for a sea a a seamanship maritime school i visual studies cinema studies it yes thank you goodbye,1 +318, yes i'm alright los angeles california yep um the lights big city it's always something going on the traffic and that's it uh business administration and business management uh not that i'm doing something else i'm doing networking at the moment hmm uh to open up a big clothing line and just supply the whole world with clothing yeah definitely uh 'cause i'm all about myself it's all about me not often but more times than not yeah being lied to and i guess when people think you're dumber than you than what you are uh try to get away from everything go into my own space very well i'm great at controlling my temper i um probably like two days ago and it was probably just over some sports it wasn't a real argument not a lot but i travel enough just being able to see to get a change of pace see somebody new see new faces new environment mm let me see the last trip i had was vegas you know how vegas goes it was pretty fun it was a lotta lotta drinking and a lot of partying going on um pretty open-minded i'm kind to pretty much everybody i'm a pretty even-keel guy it's alright it could be better no no ma'am nope no uh lately it's been pretty tough i guess because i've been staying up so late but uh that's my fault i don't know i guess i'm a night owl all of a sudden i'm turning into an owl sluggish and tired all day if i don't sleep well all day i'm just laying around no not too much mm no oh stay focused and listen to the adults yeah i mean it's self-explanatory i could've just listened to parents or other adults that tried to steer you in the right way and you know you're being a stubborn kid at that uh at those ages so it's like what what are you talking about i this is my life i can do what i want i don't have to listen to you but now i see that what they were telling me was correct um hilarious pretty close uh both my parents mother and father mm recently what did i do um new year's eve party i had i had the time of my life it was so fun uh this new year's eve i went to a party at a friend's house in baldwin hills area he had it at a a pretty nice house it's a three story house and it was like three hundred and fifty people in there it was pretty fun but it was also not that fun because there was so many people and you couldn't really move so that was the only downfall but besides that i brought my new year in great with tons of friends and that's how it's supposed to be done um i'm generally in a good mood every day i mean waking up puts me in a good mood i i guess you could say that but um i don't know a good a good meal ooh one of my most memorable experiences were probably uh when i was younger i was in the boy scouts and we used to go camping all the time and one year we went to yellowstone or yosemite one of those places and we had to work on a mountain biking merit badge and of course being from the city i'm like a mountain biking i can ride a mountain bike but once we got in the real mountains on got on real mountain bikes i gained a new respect for the mountain bikers it was pretty it was fun and pretty intense going downhill doing about forty five miles an hour in dirt on a bicycle was pretty intense and that was i'll i'll never forget that mm i don't know that's a tough one to to answer what am i most proud of i don't know honestly bye,0 +319, sure mm okay los angeles um well that's a good question um i like the familiarity with everything i know where everything is in the city mm that's all i can say right now so spread out so hard to get places is there anything else my dream job i don't think there is a dream job um for me no there isn't one mm i'm uh sort of unemployed right now so am i mm that's true i started i studied urban planning well um i think this um school shooting thing and uh the n_r_a seeming to not wanna budge on this gun control issue thing that's it mm um i try to remove myself from that situation that's annoying me i've gotten better over the years um most of the time i just try to um you know walk away or you know control my emotions in terms of you know just walking away mm just watch t_v now hmm i would say my children being born well i have four children um each birth was speical and um you know it was a unique experience each time well it's a lot easier now because they're all adults um but you know it was challenging um i would say seeing your children grow up to be successful and exceeding your expectations you worry all the time you worry for 'em you know now i'm not around them as much and i certainly worry about 'em that i saw my children oh about a week ago i'm usually pretty happy when i see 'em you know i have interest yeah mm my girlfriend and insignificant no around l_a maybe but that's about it excuse me why don't i travel i don't have the funds to do that anymore or the health no no yes mm i'd say about a year um recognizing that there were some things in me that that were wrong i knew that there was something wrong 'cause i wasn't myself well you know i was always tired and not excited about things anymore and kinda lethargic you know laying around and just not feeling myself mm about the same yes i do once a month yeah i do i do well it's you know it's you know i see a psychologist and um we talk about things um i don't really wanna elaborate in detail but you know it's it i seem to think that it's helpful well i i think um that's a hard question let's move on please irritable cranky yeah it is ooh that's a good question it's been awhile i'd say year and a half maybe hmm well there's been a lot going on in my life you know i just lost my parent my dad my last parent just a lot of stuff going on so i'll leave it at that hmm well i still like sports you know and um watching a good game or something is usually puts me in a good mood particularly if my team wins you know i like u_s_c um i have a nephew that's um freshman football player at u_s_c and uh i've been a trojan football fan for forty years so yeah hmm well i you know i think i i listen well and um you know i'm pretty much honest and straightforward that's a good question i don't know you would have to ask her definitely my mother but she's deceased now she's been deceased ten years but she was definitely positive influence my entire life no i have many regrets too many to name and number but um you know it's you know you have the the benefit of hindsight and yeah i have a lot of regrets hmm to listen to the older people in my life the people who cared about me the people who only interest was to guide me in the right direction like i said my kids i'm very proud of 'em sure my pleasure bye,1 +320, [syncing] yes i'm a little nervous mm this is different california yes i like the beach um the weather mm mm so many people [laughter] yeah what do you mean what do i do now i don't know right now um i went through nursing mhm yes no about nursing that's a great field to be in if you have the heart the passion for caring for people my mother yeah right now uh it's we're we're close i have a pretty close family mhm mm what do you mean okay i like to read and i like watching some television yeah i think i'm very good at controlling it i i can't remember the last time i had an argument mm i'm not for sure what i do when i'm really annoyed i think i get i don't know walk a lot i i'm not for sure when i'm annoyed because i have different reactions to whatever's annoying me mhm like mad well let me see mad is a hell of a word for me to be mad it means like when i'm mad it's it's uncontrollable when i'm mad mhm i don't have a best friend i don't really know now my mother mhm about my mother my mother was a beautiful woman and she had great values instilled in us when raising me yeah values are like well good one thing is like my mother cooked and that was a valuable thing to me because she taught me to cook so that was very valuable honesty mhm about my mother well she's no longer living mhm excuse me mm changes in my behavior mm since i've been here i don't i i think a little uncomfortable yeah it's a little strange how i've been feeling lately a little uneasy because of my experience the things i went through have been going through i was raped and sodomized and they kept a gun to my head and cut my hair so i've been going through a hell of a thing lately yes it is i cope it's it's difficult but i do cope mhm it's not easy for me to sleep to get a good night's sleep excuse me i don't know maybe sluggish maybe sometimes i can be more irritable if i don't sleep well i don't sleep well that often yes that's what i have been diagnosed a few years ago because i wanted to get revenge on the guys that raped me no but i'm gonna go back excuse me i thought i was better i thought i knew i had a problem but i didn't know what it was as far as what i didn't sleep i didn't eat i had nightmares i still have them i was just really [real] afraid of uh really afraid i was not avoiding it as far as what disturbing thoughts like what of the things that's happened to me was disturbing [di] are disturbing thoughts mhm sometimes if i see four men together with hoods on it's i have it triggered by that sometimes when i have to go upstairs it's a trigger because of the of what happened they took me upstairs yes ma'am excuse me therapy is what i haven't been to therapy in a while but i've noticed how to calm myself down when i get um afraid and that's about it mhm it helped a lot of things that happened in my past i didn't realize it was deep down inside me still i'm like just jest you know just day by day just making it i think music yeah cooking the other day cooking my son i only have one son and he's a beautiful child mhm no it's not [laughter] um i think decision making well some of the things that he's asked to like i'm not into tattoos i don't like tattoos and and he does and well there's a lot of different things the best thing about being a parent is giving life to my son [laughter] and seeing them grow up in joy in their lives is going on it's a good thing no god what advice would i give myself i don't really know i really don't know as far as what my memorable experience i i could say when graduating it was a good experience yes great when i graduated great to graduate from high school it wasn't hard no it wasn't hard i enjoyed school i don't remember mhm bye,1 +321, yeah i'm okay um chicago illinois mhm uh my husband's work was here in eighty four it was not easy for me it took about three years um just the move i moved away from my family so i was uncomfortable i didn't know anyone here and even though i did make friends i just felt out of place uh not as often as i would like i used to go back like at least once a year but in the last few years that's diminished so i would say like every three years the weather i love the weather the beach um you know as i've been here as long as i have the people you know some nice people here um the people some of the people um yeah also um i i would say the economy it's very difficult to make it here in los angeles business and computer graphics i'm not working in it right now i'm working in retail i just eh couldn't find work and so i had to settle for doing that for right now it's very tough um i would like to be a human resource representative mhm no um i like to talk to people too much and when i understand or i i know a lot about a subject i can go on and on about it and i'm interested in finding out about people if i'm sitting next to somebody i'll strike up a conversation with them just to find out who they are and just um you know i'd i like to talk to people i enjoy it i'm quiet um let's see rude people um people that harm children and the elderly elderly that makes me very angry uh war i control my temper i i don't have a problem with that i just get quiet when i feel angry and i try to think before i act the last time i argued with someone was about a month ago and it was with my daughter and um i was arguing with her over her therapy she has cancer and um she wasn't telling me enough she wasn't giving me enough information and so that made me very angry i was frustrated and angry yeah it was very hard no watching your children fail when they're trying hard or seeing that they can hurt themselves and trying to prepare them for that when they won't listen to your advice and they uh i feel like sometimes they need to trust me more mhm um the love of my children yeah uh when i was uh playing with my granddaughter and that was about a month ago very excited and happy and just um all my cares were gone i wasn't thinking about anything except for having fun with her so it was a good time yeah it's the best no yes um it was over five years ago i couldn't function i couldn't drive i couldn't sleep i couldn't eat um at my i i couldn't do anything i was completely shut down i felt like i felt like i was looking out a window and and life was going on outside that window and i was just stuck i behind the glass i i couldn't participate um i knew something wasn't right but i lately i've been feeling depressed mhm i haven't had a good night's sleep in a year i would say i i my regular pattern is to maybe sleep in a an hour up to three hour intervals and i just keep waking up and i never quite get into a deep sleep um groggy and i have no energy it's very hard because it's uh difficult to work and it's difficult to concentrate i make mistakes and i forget a lot mhm um yes i do mhm yes no i'm not in therapy right now i could not afford to continue i'm sorry what i'm not sure yes yeah um i i feel uh more relaxed and i i feel like some of my worries are lifted from me i i have uh i can think clearer because i'm using the tools that i've learned through therapy mhm my children mhm um i don't know friendly i think it's just horrible um i feel that um the children are so neglected today and it's not the fault of the parents i think that um i think that we as a society we forgot that it takes a village to raise a child and nobody wants to pitch in noone wants to help anymore noone's helping their neighbor and it's very sad mhm um i don't know um eating dinner with my family i regret not spending enough time on my education um i had children very young so i needed to yeah i needed to uh take care of them i'm sure i could have to seek help my grandparents um just they introduced me to church and um just you know letting me play at their home and play in their garden it just showed me a lot of love and and i felt like i was cared for mhm no uh listening to music watching um my a funny program on t_v going to school working that's um go to dinner with a friend over a year ago my friend um through work um very close mhm you're welcome bye,1 +322, yes fine thank you i'm originally from india yeah i'm sorry why why do i miss sorry why do i miss l_a oh about twenty years ago oh once every three four years um i mean the first the first six months it was a little difficult but but then i got used to it then i'm feel i feel very comfortable now yes um the food uh actually i enjoy uh flying then um eh you know meeting different people uh different scenes um you know then uh try try try try to achieve my goals uh i'm sorry oh the they i used to run a business i used to travel to um meet people to get orders and that traveling involved uh going to northeast of you know ohio and pennsylvania uh places like that uh meet top uh people uh eh to get my uh to get orders for my business and uh you know i enjoyed uh listening to their problems i used to take them out for dinner and uh if you know uh i'll be i really enjoyed uh genuinely enjoyed uh talking to talking to them and um many of them were open enough to tell me about their problems and uh you know uh all my but my main goal main main objective was to get the orders for the business ooh mm you know cook um watch movies uh meet friends uh throw a party i'm talking to you uh i'd i'm an engineer i did mechanical engineering i'm also an m_b_a uh actually i branched off to finance i trade stocks now um a friend of mine was um you know making a lot of money in stocks and um you know i was um first i used to uh uh you know interact with him uh well also be with him when he was trading stocks and i realized he was uh making a lot of money then i uh did a formal course in it uh attended lot of seminars then you know um lost lost lost a lot of money and uh before i started making money uh it's the same thing that i said um you know watch movies go be visit people um play basketball uh then do shopping cooking i'm very good at that you know uh even even when i'm irritated uh you know i'm very good at controlling uh my temper the last time i argued with was with my brother it was about my dad um you know uh he was getting old uh i mean he's getting old and um he lives in india and uh i was planning on uh bringing him here my dad's um i mean my brother said it's gonna be very expensive to um you know it's gonna be very expensive uh with respect to health bills and uh i was uh you know arguing with him that we should all pool in the money and get them here because they are quite old i have a mom too you know pool some they're both old i'm very close to my parents not so close to uh um with my brother and their family um it's the i mean like i tend to be judgmental and uh you know but i think sometimes that the my niece and nephew should have been brought brought up in a different way and uh you know uh and you know my my brother doesn't seem to uh think along the same lines and um you know uh we have disagreements and mm you know that's the reason it is um no not at this time what do i think of what um can you can you repeat that one more time um and i still couldn't follow you okay no no uh yes about one to two years ago i was feeling down uh down and i was not interested in things that i was that i was normally interested in and uh you know i was sort of withdrawn and um the it was sh i was not able to focus on my things so i thought maybe i should go see a doctor and i ended up doing that uh no mm xxx i lost appetite i was not sleeping well and i i had difficulty um concentrating you know and focusing and uh i was not getting uh my assignments done on time uh these these were some of the problems i been feeling good but uh no i don't i started doing yoga and uh you know i've been doing that for about a year and that's uh and meditation and that's helped a lot uh it's just that uh you know when i was diagnosed with uh depression i thought i shouldn't be taking any medication for it and i was looking at uh uh other ways to get over the problem and uh then i realized some of my friends were doing meditation and uh you know i got influenced by them uh it's a little difficult but uh of late i've been able to sleep uh within half an hour there are days when it takes almost one two hours to uh go to sleep are they what can you repeat that uh no i just uh you know uh just switch off the light and uh you know keep tossing around and uh try to focus on things uh that makes me uh feel good and this and that um about three days ago what am i proud of uh i was in i i was among the top two percent in my m_b_a class and um and when i used to run my business i designed a product um that was uh working really well and uh i was happy that i was able to design something that was so useful for my business uh my my i'm thinking my friends would describe me as uh very friendly very easy to get along with uh very focused uh very intelligent and a good cook um albert einstein uh i mean some some of some of some of his theories um you know it obviously it involves it involves a lot of deep thinking and uh the the first few times i read about him about his uh uh theories uh i had difficulty in um um really understanding that and uh that you know we it i mean when's when there when there are things that i really try to understand and i i'm not able to i and uh you know there are there are the type of people i admire listen to other people uh it's diverse um and i like the the entertainment industry and uh i like uh yeah the fact that there are more women uh than men here um uh there are certain areas where only spanish uh where only spanish is spoken uh you know i would like uh for all people who come to america to be able to understand english and be able to speak in english so that everybody can participate um in l_a um i mean like i some of the things the political leaders uh do really makes me mad uh uh sometimes i think they're wasting their wasting their time our time and other countries are advancing and um you know these these guys don't get things done and you know i feel very bad about it and sometimes it makes me angry uh yeah i mean the first four years of uh obama administration i'd i think it was wasted because uh if the if congress had acted together uh eh got things done then uh you know we would mm maybe we could have uh you know uh made it much more difficult for china to catch up with us and you know the fact that china's able to do things and get things done much faster and these people still um you know uh argue and uh you know find uh find faults with each other and not get things done um you know they don't seem to realize that you know uh you know the clock keeps ticking you know they have to get things done um i mean like you know uh one thing that comes to my mind is well you know i made a lot of money while uh you know once in los angeles uh and you know i thought it happened during christmas some ten years ago and uh that that made me very happy good music good food uh i mean the eh a party with friends that i like and uh and you know i also like cooking and i enjoy cooking with groups in groups uh those are things that really put me in a good mood um i'm very clean um i listen to people and i empathize uh try to solve their problems uh and i'm hoping they think i'm you know uh my advices and recommendations are uh worth um their time thank you so much you've been nice bye,1 +323, sure good chicago it's cold in chicago hmm oh i think in ninety nineteen eighty nine actually oh very simple very easy oh weather of course and i'm so easily located to san diego palm springs las vegas san francisco and things i like to do smog of course is bad crime rate's higher than it should be um and financial economic problems here every year thanksgiving very very much so we're a very big family yes i do very much in fact i love flying on airplanes i love visiting new places i even like visiting different airports everyone's different ooh let's see i started off in pre-med haha i ended up in uh physics yes i am i teach i teach physics and math and higher level math well i enjoy working with kids i enjoy teaching my mother was a teacher uh my dad was a truant officer and uh i've enjoyed it keeps you young my dream job my dream job would be to be a judge yes in in the uh youth court that would be fantastic but i should've thought of that sooner than now so i'm not gonna be able to do that no not at all um i enjoy people being around people i'm very talkative at times uh i like to do a lot of things and i'm very social when i do them uh believe it or not i play bridge i play chess and i watch a good old old movie ooh bad drivers uh bad laws politics often when i'm annoyed you know i really don't get annoyed that much i just let it go it's not worth the pain and problems they could cause if i can't straighten out a problem let it go go somewhere else ooh always my bridge partner but that's different uh as far as anything else i don't really argue with people i i don't argue i don't like confrontation my parents of course very very much so um i had great parents uh my mother uh my parents met at tuskegee which is a black college and they always want me to go to a black college but of course i didn't wanna do that uh i went to illinois so they're a very positive role model for me there's certain things that i don't do today because of them i don't drink i don't curse i don't look down on people who do but i don't have as much respect for people who do a lot of either one of those things um i love to drive i love to travel and my dad used to always take us some place every weekend he was off we'd go somewhere 'cause we were in chicago indiana michigan some place in the area we'd go up to michigan and pick fruit or we got all our dogs from uh puppy farms in indiana that kinda thing uh i had an uncle who lived in uh wisconsin who was a dairy farmer so my dad used to love to drive and i love to drive also mm that's a hard one i've had a lot of great experiences uh i think the best one was uh we went for my anniversary we went to europe we went to paris and uh we rode the orient express we went from we didn't go all the way to istanbul we went from london to venice and then flew back to paris uh that was probably the best experience i've ever had in my life i i've never really cared for europe because there's so much here in the united stated to do and so much in america and i had been to alaska and hawaii but we said we'd do something different and we'd always wanted to go on the orient express and we did that expensive but phenomenal trip gotta do it once it's a once trip not once in a lifetime just once not traveling more sooner we did a lot when the kids were younger but um there are a lot of things we should've probably done we didn't do i wish i had gone to chicago we would always go to chicago on thanksgiving but i think we should've gone more than just on thanksgiving my parents come here at around christmas time but i think we should've uh done a lot more when it comes to that yes that's that's that's why it's a regret because it could've been avoided there's things we could've done and we were spending our time working and more concerned about getting ahead than actually family and what's closest to us i think that people most people oh yes very definitely ooh that's a good question ten or twenty years ago i would've said um don't take things too seriously but don't be too relaxed over 'em either sometimes you can uh take things for granted never take anything for granted nothing's promised oh heaven forbid no i have not no no no very very easy i really have no problem with that once in awhile if i uh am anxious about something or have things coming up due or projects due then i get kind of uh anxious a little bit i don't like to be late uh i don't like to make mistakes so therefore i i do have some anxiety issues which will cause me to stay up all night to get things done just to make sure that i have everything right tired i don't get irritable i think i just uh lethargic maybe a little just a just a little bit very good i was up late last night so i'm kinda tired now but i i usually have no problems sleeping uh and i get a good night's sleep mhm no i have not um no not at all i just came back off a christmas break so i'm should be very relaxed now ooh i have great kids i have a son at u_s_c and i have a son at u_c_l_a and my daughter just got married so i'm i'm proud of my i'm really proud of my kids they're they're going to have a good life oh yes um i enjoyed it i still enjoy it being a parent is forever so uh let's see taking care of someone else and getting started off to have a good life i think that that's rewarding making sure everything is covered that needs to be covered with you kids whether it's their eating their sleeping their clothes they dress make sure they're content make sure they have no problems at school or home or uh that that they're safe physically mentally spiritually everything hmm my best friend would say she has not changed since high school uh level-headed but uh great sense of humor relaxed i don't take things too seriously ooh i love the holidays i love christmas i love everything about it i love preparing the house for it i love baking cooking especially baking i love experimenting with new recipes and so the last couple of weeks because the holiday season was just here i felt fantastic everything is is quiet i'm not at work i'm not stressed out in any way at all i have no projects due that i have to think about anyway so uh christmas time holiday time really enjoyed recently well christmas of course we went to las vegas um the twenty seventh of december that was fantastic we only stayed for two days we had a really good time uh we saw a great show we had some great food we drove there we don't usually drive i don't like to drive a lot but we drove there and just took our time so it was good it was nice okay goodbye thanks for listening how's that one okay,0 +324, yeah yes fine how are you uh born and raise right here on the west side venice beach [laughter] everything the beach the weather uh the beach the weather um everything the girls uh nothing nothing traffic maybe uh my family uh my mother she's uh very good hearted person gives me good advice oh pretty close yeah family comes first family is number one uh go to the gym you know exercise go to the beach party every once in a while wathc basketball football take trips go to vegas um which one went to the gym last night i have friends that live in vegas so i go there often um probably just take a trip get out get away from the city for a minute but i'm a city boy so i can't be away too long you know i love the city um go to the beach oh that's that's been a problem over the years um i don't know just have a little anger i guess anger anger management problem [laughter] um [exhales] probably um yesterday i forget what it was about uh i'll go to the gym um people um i don't know just people and uh just the way they are i guess they get on my nerves sometimes [laughter] dream job well i was working at l_a_x i built this city right here playa vista where we're at pretty much built all of it that's been built so far in the past ten years and i always wanted to work at the airport l_a_x and i finally accomplished that goal after getting my g_e_d two years ago i'm at l_a_x yeah so i'm working at l_a_x right now l_a airport yeah of what working at the airport um i guess during the holidays there was some girl that worked there and i had a crush on her but she turned out to be a lesbian she's beautiful haha yeah [laughter] yeah no no i think when i was a youngster like a teenager fourteen fifteen no oh i just oh i just stopped uh i went like for to like a rehab for replacement and when i was fifteen sixteen after i did a little bit of time and then i ewoled from there i like escaped and then i went back to jail so that's when it stopped uh no problem it's not your fault excuse me it wasn't when i was a when i was teenager what when i was a teenager when i was a teenager i just uh i was very restless i was very destructive you know um like i'm i'm not going forward as as fast as i want to yeah it's it's kinda hard but uh you know it is what it is you know to avoid what going forward i guess i could try to move faster but um i've accomplished my goals in life so far i just wanna accomplish more but it's taking longer than i thought it would you know there it would excuse me yeah i guess are there yeah just like mood swings i guess mood swings yeah uh it could be just something small and i'll just snap you know oh all the time yesterday maybe today yeah angry um the anger [ang] i guess it's kinda hard to control the anger you know when you're going through a couple of of a few things in your life that aren't very pleasant you know no um my best friend my best friends excuse me yeah bop bop uh they'd they'd they'd describe me just i guess as a character just very outgoing you know good sense of humor um but you know we all have our issues you know they they understand when i i'm going through something or i just you know get mad about something easily or i could just laugh too right after that you know very outgoing smart intelligent strong the goals that i've accomplished past few years especially uh just the jobs scrubbed_entry getting the g_e_d getting the job at l_a_x i always wanted thank you yeah yes um just decisions i made i guess when i was uh younger in life even up to the you know even up to the past few years but nothing major in the past few years it's pretty much the decisions i made when i was young you know younger in life uh to stay in school and um i don't know to not join a gang just to stay in school pretty much and to uh control the anger issues i had back then to do what to do what [laughter] i don't know today i'm happy to be here um going exercising going to the gym and working out going to the beach hanging out with uh family members of mine you know friends yeah my best qualities just that uh qualities just that i'm a neat person i'm outgoing you know i don't know qualities qualities meaning what what do you mean by qualities what comes to your mind give me the definition of qualities yeah have a nice day okay bye,1 +325, yes um i'm fine this is a little bit strange you know talking to a virtual human um i was born i was born in l_a i was raised out in the suburbs um i've lived all over los angeles i've lived in the valley long beach and now i'm in culver city um there's great food here the weather is great most of the time there's a lot of sunshine it doesn't get cold i don't have to shovel snow there are lots of opportunities a lot of diversity all different sorts of people uh i think that's really great that is a much longer list i would like to get out of here um the the traffic i think that's number one i think everybody hates the traffic and everybody's so busy all the time it's really hard to to get together with anybody everybody's so devoted to their jobs and uh then we're sitting in traffic a lot too i just graduated actually um i studied marine biology i was i went to school and i orginally studied um graphic design and i found that kind of unfulfilling so i took a trip for a while traveled around the world and started scuba diving and i realized that i really loved marine biology so that's how i got into it everybody's been asking me that a lot lately since i just graduated i think i would like to um i think maybe managing a um managing a research you know i'm not i'm not really sure i think i would like to something in tropical marine ecology maybe like managing a preserve um something like that it's a hard question to answer i do um i like meeting new people and seeing different parts of the world well i traveled for eight months in central america um and i visited a lot of different countries i um i went scuba diving i think um i think intolerance injustice in the world those are probably the things that get me the most fired up vent to my boyfriend does that count i'm pretty good it takes it takes a lot to really get me um fired up to the point where i i kinda blow my top the very few people that have seen me angry um to the point where i'm kind of yelling and screaming angry um i don't know i just don't get there i think that i'm a little bit afraid of losing my temper so i keep it under control it was yesterday actually i argued with my boyfriend um about uh getting getting a job i was talking about taking a job somewhere and he was being very supportive and i really wanted him to to say no don't go take that job for six months 'cause i would miss you and he was just being supportive so um we kind of argued about that and it was ridiculous so we i ended up laughing and that was the end of the fight um meditate excercise go out in nature just um unplug get myself away from the computer away from technology away from people i would say not really um i'm an only child and it's just me and my parents and we're very very dissimilar for example um i'm a pretty adventurous person and i like learning and my parents are uh couch potatoes they like to watch reality television so we don't have too much to talk about or things that we can really do um as far as shared activites so you know i love them and everything but there's not too much common ground yes i think i'm a very social introvert but i seem to find most social encounters to be draining where as my my boyfriend for example he um derives a lot of pleasure and energy from being around people for me it's always a little bit the opposite i have to recharge i not sure i have a best friend but um i guess i'll say my boyfriend he's he's kinda my default best friend um he would probably say passionate intelligent um he always tells me that i'm really hard on myself which is true um dedicated loyal i think i'm just proud of who i am xxx i don't know if that's the answer that most people give but i think that i'm i'm really proud of who i am i try really hard um i've done a lot of things in my life i'm a really good person i think it's it's kind of rare to find people that are kind and i consider myself a kind person that that cares about others and wants to make the world a better place so i'm i'm proud of that no i have not no yes i was probably about fifteen at the time so i think eight was is that seventeen years ago yes um i was cutting and my one of my best friends called um called my parents and let them know and at that point they took me in for treatment i that wasn't the first time i had ever been to a therapist or a psychiatrist but um before it was more they thought i had a_d_h_d so um it was more i think my parents really took me in rather than me seeking help i haven't for about three years uh i stopped because it felt like uh i was checking in with a parole officer i just wasn't enjoying the relationship i had but i still have the psychiatrist that i go to for med checks uh i do think it's useful if you have the right therapist i think if you don't have a good relationship with your therapist it can be incredibly harmful i have talked to people that have had bad experiences and and won't ever go back lately i've been a little bit down um i should say a little bit more down than usual because i graduated and my routine of go to school and do school things twenty four seven has come to an end and without the routine it's been a little bit weird finding out what to do with my finding a way to be productive and knowing what to do with my time it's also been a little bit um depressing finding out that my intelligence and good grades in school doesn't translate to real world skills and there aren't that many jobs for marine biologists in california almost impossible ever since i was a little kid i had a i had trouble falling asleep and um about four years ago it it became really really bad where i just couldn't sleep through the night i was getting about four hours of sleep sometimes i would wake up every hour and i'd wake up in the morning just a complete wreck so for about four years i've been taking trazadone so i can sleep um have you ever seen fight club um you're a virtual human so you probably haven't seen that but it's it's pretty much like that i i'm just um a complete panicked anxious wreck i i lose my ability to deal with um i lose my ability to deal with things i'm much more likely to lose my temper um i can't regulate my moods i'm just really volatile probably a few months ago i think that i may have been on a trip gone away for a weekend and forgotten to take my medicine with me um or something like that and then i can't sleep and so that's what happens uh really happy i mean um i don't know it's easy for me easier for me to keep track of when i feel really really bad really happy i guess i felt happy on new year's really happy on new year's eve which was um uh ten days ago um i was with my boyfriend and some friends and we took a trip out to palm spring and joshua tree and it was really nice to see them i don't get to see them very often um because i've been in school and i've been so busy so it was really nice reintroduction to uh real life i think that i'm i'm kind i'm considerate i'm tolerant i'm pretty open minded i'm aware of my faults um i just i just try to be nice to everybody and i'm very curious about um about the world and things that i don't know about i really like to learn uh off the top of my head first thing that came comes to mind is diving the blue whole in belize it was really amazing um it was me and my friends we just you know jumped off the boat and you come up over the edge of this uh limestone sink hole and it's really really really blue and you just drop down to about a hundred and forty feet in something like two minutes we did it pretty quick not everybody could do it that quick and um as you go down you see all these stalagmites and stalactites and they're huge they're larger than human and 'cause it's this cave system um and it's really murky and there's sharks swimming all around you so that was that was pretty good i'm trying to remember that at the moment i haven't had much free time the last three and a half years being in school um so uh i guess reading hiking um just being together with my friends doing um relatively low key things going to movies having dinner parties cooking playing with my cat not that i can really think of i'm sure i've made mistakes in my life but um you know i'm still here so can't be that bad hmm um i don't know hang in there um hold on to your clothes 'cause the nineties are coming back in fashion hmm um cloudy weather uh beautiful sunsets being in um being out in nature kind of being away from the hubub of the city getting a good grade i think my boyfriend has he's just um especially the last year he's really inspired me he quit drinking he quit smoking he's really inspired me he quit drinking he quit smoking he's made a lot of positive changes in his life and i know that those things aren't aren't hard or aren't easy i should say um to so to see someone overcome that uh really inspired me okay,1 +326, yes i'm fine um ohio mmm bigger city more opportunity um bigger city big city not often um i don't know uh there's phones i can call um let's see the water the ocean um the big city there's lot to do a lot of people um the mountainous skiing all kinds of stuff traffic close no 'cause i like to talk uh maybe running a company politics parents i guess play my guitar um it depends no you wouldn't but sure okay um ex-girlfriend and i don't remember mm close for a lot of years just know 'em for a long time no be a little more patient with her huh uh they're okay eh no but i helped um and i did stuff with the marines which was fun and uh i lived out of the country which which one living out of the country or helping with the marines yes how bout the first one go living out of the country 'cause my parents lived
  • my parents lived out of the country so i lived with them you know uh used to um the different sceneries difference period different uh which one the one europe france what uh yeah it was cool it was great learning different languages and seeing different cultures and different people it's it's enlightening mind mind expansion definitely mm to say the least berlin wall uh overwhelmed hmm 'cause it was atrocities and stuff that went down during that war uh that's a good question depends well it depends on if i if i'm sleeping by myself or sleeping with somebody yeah mm agitated i guess i don't know okay no not me my girlfriend may say so i don't know i have no clue she she could tell you i have no clue no nope nope whirlwind i guess a doer persistence mm achievements and goals accomplishments i race motocross and i was one of the first black professionals yeah you ain't joking wow yeah pretty pretty cool guitar playing my guitar uh last night yeah playing playing chords and playing the songs playing songs playing um with some other musicians at a rehearsal studio um just acquaintances through other friends and i like to fly too i like to fly in planes mhm my girlfriend talking talking uh um my girlfriend sometimes that's about it i don't know she's i don't know she's cool but she's a little arrogant no not really hmm uh my mom my dad they're strong people i don't know um um maybe when i was flying last flying in a private plane i guess um you know there's there's no reason to get super super super happy unless you i guess if you're married hopefully that make you super happy but no i'm pretty even keel you know what i'm saying i stay i stay pretty level mm oh great well it's nice talking to you yeah you're welcome goodbye,0 +327, yes fine thank you montreal canada i moved here with my mom when i was in high school yes oh it's very cold there in the winter and our summers are very short it was very easy i accustom pretty quick no not very much anymore um i don't have much family in the united states and it's pretty expensive to go back home so i only go every couple of years meeting different people different places different customs uh well we just recently went to um san francisco same custom and everything but the city was very different and i enjoyed it uh i took general education and child development right now i work part time for an independent auto repair shop um just working with people talking to people um no um i'm shy sometimes so i stay to myself a lot uh walk along the beach uh bike riding arrogant people um i try not to get angry but sometimes i do um try to learn i'm learning to walk away from things but sometimes people provoke you um i'm getting better i'd say seventy five percent under control oh about a month ago um with my daughter and her finances it's really hard you don't like arguing with your children i have two girls one's twenty three and one's twenty six one lives in louisiana and one lives here now that they're older yes um satisfaction of giving love to someone else worry well unfortunately when i was young my sister was kidnapped so when my children were growing up i worried about them a lot and i didn't let them do things a lot on their own oh now it's easy 'cause they're grown and they live on their own so it's a lot easier now but i you still worry even though they're grown i'm sorry what did you say oh my goodness they're spoiled rotten they have everything um waking up when my kids were younger on christmas day i loved it no yes uh it's been exactly two years and two months um loneliness depression um especially after i didn't have any family members left in the united states so um i went to a counselor and then to group therapy yes i mostly enjoy group therapy because you're sitting in a group with other people talking about your um your likes your dislikes your problems and sometimes somebody else is sharing going through the same thing you are and you can share you know share what you're going through and what can help make it better um it's affected me a lot it's helped me cope with things it's nice to have somebody else to talk to yes i didn't want to admit it but after awhile and feeling depressed for so long i knew i had to do something pretty good um no just getting more positive better yes it's not it's about fifty fifty some nights i sleep good and some nights i don't um just lack lack of energy the next day it's hard especially if you get two nights in a row of no sleep scrubbed_entry i felt good um holidays always try to you know christmas trees and kids and everything so usually is a good time makes me feel good um i was married um and raising two children and having two kids i'm very proud of that scrubbed_entry thanks um well i went from full time to part time work and there's not as much work in the automotive field so i decided to go back to school um easy going um fun easy to get along with uh my mom she's very raised four kids single-handedly and was a very hard worker um don't give up be positive in anything you try to accomplish can you can do it um not going back to school sooner uh no because i was raising two kids by myself so uh now that they're grown i have no excuse so i'm doing it um i'm friendly i'm a hard worker and most of the time i'm easy to get along with um like i say i'm a hard worker if you give me work to do i'll do it and um long as not most of the time i'm in a good mood so i'm easy to get along with so um and when i'm not most people just don't they can tell by my attitude just not talk to me um like i say bike riding or uh walks on the beach the beach is very relaxing you're welcome goodbye,0 +328, yes fine how are you uh watts california but now i live in west l_a yes i love uh the sunshine i love the palm trees i love that um you're thirty minutes away from everything it's a great city the traffic it's terrible i studied child development yeah actually i uh teach children how to be safe in uh traffic situations oh my dream job is to be a filmmaker that's what i wanna do i wanna die doing that job making movies well when i was uh in high school i did a lot of drama theater productions and i just love everything about film so once i had the opportunity to actually make a film uh because i wasn't getting any work as an actor i just got hooked i just love making film last time i made a film just this last october made a short film it's about three people that connect together they're completely unrelated but they get to a retreat where they realize that their problems are bigger than what they imagined originally thanks really mad uh really mad i you know i guess what makes me really mad is when my daughter acts stupid at school when she does not do her work and uh when she doesn't pay attention and i have to get phone calls home and letters home and emergency parent conferences that's what makes me mad yeah yeah yeah it sucks she's one of the smartest kids in her school no it's it's it's very difficult because a lot of things in yourself that you find are negative go to them and it's like you're fighting against yourself trying to change yourself but you know that little person is you you know times a hundred and it's just difficult to deal with that but um other than that it it's okay but it's being a parent is never easy the hardest thing about being a parent i would say is trying to give that little person so much life experience so that they don't make mistakes or so that they don't get hurt and you wanna give it to them and you want them to just accept it right away but then they don't so it gets very uh um annoying sometimes that you know what's coming and you give them the info and they don't wanna take it they wanna find their own way and to watch them get hurt it's it's sad and then they wanna come to you and you're like ugh i tried to tell you but you can't be mad at them because everybody learns their own way so mm yeah i guess for a while when when you think about it uh when you watch them go through their struggles it's hard to watch but it's a necessary motion of life children have to learn the way they wanna learn 'cause once they get it they got it so however they get it you as a parent you're happy they got it all the love the children bestow upon you it's great they yeah they love you know love you and all especially my daughter she always wants to give me hugs she always wants to talk to me she always wants to be around me uh she always tells me i'm doing a great job when i'm like what does she know about a great job she's only seven but you know they have that unconditional love and you just can't help but feel like a good person for having the children tell you that you're a good person so i like that hmm oh my god they're ooh they're you know it like albert einstein said it best that our technology has exceeded our humanity and there's so much technology out there kids are learning so fast it's almost like they're already little adults but they're missing the steps to being a child they miss going outside they miss learning about things naturally rather than just going to youtube or you know wherever facebook and and getting it so fast and they don't know what to do with all this information and they just have to fight through all that info and they the it's not organic anymore children growing up these days it's not organic it's sped up it's pushed and it's just so hard for them to figure out who they are in this world so that's what's wrong hmm me just breathe in and breathe out or i'll just walk away from the situation argued i argued with my fiancee uh a couple months ago about gosh i forgot i i forgot i don't remember it was petty yeah but it didn't last long 'cause she's like me she doesn't like to argue about stuff we like to take care of stuff as it happens and that's it hmm my fiancee well um well i mean we met um when i was working at at a charter not a charter school but at a recreational center we met there and uh we talked we hit it off uh we didn't see each other for an entire year and then uh we reconnected and we went on a date and it was great ever since my family we're pretty close my brother lives in colorado my sister lives in oklahoma i have a dad that lives in a neighboring city where i am um as close as we can be with the distance and certain choices that my family have made over the years you know being far away and um but my immediate family like you know my fiancee and my daughter like we're close and it's great i don't travel enough but i have traveled a couple of times uh within the last five years i just came back from new zealand so that was a great experience yeah i enjoy meeting new people that's the biggest thing about traveling i like seeing new things i like just immersing myself in different cultures and situations and i like just being away from it all that's that's good too well i went to new zealand uh not too long ago and i had stayed there for a week um i learned about celsius 'cause you know here we have fahrenheit and that was fun uh i learned how to play cricket uh i learned how to get myself out of a capsized kayak and um i learned that they have a lot of lamb lamb is good i like lamb but they had a lot of lamb oh and their seafood seafood i can't eat but they do have really great chocolate chocolate is it was so good and ice cream was good too and uh the people were really really nice they it was a very special time for me to go there it was great and they accepted me i love that and yeah can't wait to go back yes it was some of my best qualities um energetic uh very personable uh intelligent i am easy to get along with i work pretty hard and i'm very slow to getting upset about things no no no mm it's fairly easy uh i guess i get pretty moody you know i could be a little little snappy at people when i don't sleep well when i have lack of sleep but once i get some sleep in me i'm okay mm fine no no no changes no scrubbed_entry um you know he would say that i'm pretty funny um lax about a lot of things uh i enjoy life as much as i possibly can um good friend to have around and always ready and eager to help just waking up in the morning it's always a great thing uh i love ice cream that's always good i love laughing ugh if somebody's laughing especially my fiancee 'cause she has a great laugh then that puts me in a good mood hmm thank you scrubbed_entry and that's what i wanna do i definitely wanna get into acting and really work it and get some really good roles so he's been a positive influence he stayed out of trouble um he's maintained a good working relationship with people and he's always positive and very super helpful and very encouraging oh we went to junior high school and high school together so he's my best friend yeah yes it is wow there's so many uh scrubbed_entry had uh these bag of m and m's and we had went to a play and there were two girls that were a couple of rows down that you know we didn't particularly care for but you know that's how kids are you just they don't know how to you know they say they don't like somebody but you know anyway but we got these m and m's and while the it was dark we start throwing m and m's and hitting 'em in the head with the m and m's and then we came to school like three days later uh we were summoned and there was a mock trial to get scrubbed_entry so we were able to get ourselves off on like the entire group had found us not guilty of the crime and but then we got in trouble anyway because our teacher just wouldn't allow us to not get in trouble so we had to clean up the yard for like two days oh man you name it uh i love scuba diving i've only done it twice but i love it wanna get back into it like traveling uh i love exercising i actually like working out now uh i used to think it was a chore but now i'm really really getting into it that i love watching movies you put me in front of a good movie and i'm a happy camper so that's about it hanging out with family anything i regret hmm you know what i think i i probably regret not going up to will smith when i had the chance yeah uh will smith was coming up the street and i saw him and i got so nervous i jumped in the bushes and i didn't meet him uh my boss at the time thought it was really funny but i just i wasn't ready to meet him yet so but i think i regret meeting him advice i would give myself ten or twenty years ago i would probably say that when my gut told me to do something i should've just went on ahead and did it rather than sit and analyze it you know days weeks months later if i feel it in my gut i should go for it so go with my gut more really happy hmm really happy i i had a film festival that i was putting together and things were so intense we things were going wrong but then things were going right but then once the people came and packed the house i was really happy that we had a packed house at this uh film festival so this was about a month ago yeah let's see i think right now at this point i'm most proud of putting a short film together with a minimal budget but it has amazing actors it has a great storyline and i didn't think it could be done but it's done or close to being done and i'm i'm proud of that i was able to get it done i think i could walk away happy knowing that i gave it a really good shot and i think this movie is probably going to take me and the rest of my film crew buddies to higher heights oh really alright well what was your name again ah ellie goodbye,0 +329, yes pretty well from new york uh to go to college well to san diego to go to college and then later to l_a aerospace engineering um it was i was really good at math and science and i had a interest in airplanes no i'm a life coach uh to be a life coach and help people um i really really like uh how it feels to help other people and see them grow and know that i made a contribution to their life um i like the weather it's it's great 'cause i really like to do outdoor things and i like uh doing things by the ocean traffic and how crowded it is yeah um i like i live with my girlfriend and so i like it uh we met on e harmony uh really close um my meditation teacher um yeah i i used to be very shy and self conscious and had a lot of anxiety and um i'd worry a lot about the future and uh i took classes in meditation and yoga classes and uh it really helped me to be more confident and more relaxed and just enjoy life a lot more uh meditate and do yoga um let's see really mad um i guess i don't know about mad i don't get mad that often but frustrated uh i would say like being stuck in traffic or um people that do mean things to other people for no real reason um i usually if it's i usually talk to somebody about it if i can or if i can't then i'll usually do meditation or yoga and try and just let it go uh pretty good at controlling my temper uh with my girlfriend and it was about um she was driving on the freeway and uh i suggested that she get over 'cause there was some road workers on the side and she like refused to do that and stayed in the the right lane so we argued a bit about that uh it felt like she wasn't listening to me and almost like she was purposely not doing what i suggested to be defiant um no um rollerblade kayak uh sing i sing in a choir um a trip i took to india and nepal for six weeks yeah as much as i can uh i really i love to explore i've i've loved to explore ever since i was a little kid and so i love you know seeing new things and discovering things about new cultures and i love backpacking in the wilderness and you know exploring nature cool um well i went on a a trip to india and nepal it's my first time ever there um first week and a half i was with a big group of people and did a meditation and yoga retreat and went white water rafting on the ganga river and then um i went off on my own for the rest of the trip and went backpacking in nepal uh with a guide there and uh it was just really beautiful um in the anapurna area and then i went to uh back into india and explored um the area up near tibet and then uh went to uh rajasthan and to uh tiger park in madhya pradesh and was like really close to tigers um there i uh was contacted by a friend of mine and told that they were going on this this trip and i'd always wanted to go to india so i decided to do it yeah it was it was really fun um caring and uh enthusatic for life no no no um pretty easy uh i don't sleep as well as i did when i was younger but for the most part i i sleep well once in a while i'll wake up you know at like four in the morning or five in the morning when i want to sleep 'till seven and not be able to get back to sleep but um in general it's pretty good uh i feel tired and not as motivated as usual and then sometimes wanna take a nap you know in the afternoon um no um ten or twenty years ago um i guess to i i wish i would have invested money or bought like a house or something when i was younger um that would probably be the advice i would give myself um i am empathetic with other people um positive and kind of have a positive outlook on life um very determined when i decide to do something uh i'll figure out how to do it even if it's challenging um i'm very creative in figuring out creative ways to do things i guess probably the strongest thing is that i'm pretty balanced i'm very organized but i'm also pretty creative so um pretty balanced that way um pretty close uh much closer than i was when i was younger um and although i'd say i'm probably closer to friends and people that are in a spiritual community with me than i'm able to get to my family uh being outdoors in nature and exercising and also singing um the fact that i've gone with followed my heart and did what i wanted to do versus gong with what i think i should do um i guess yesterday i was i spent the day by the beach and just uh bicycled and went skating and um visited some old friends there um felt very relaxed and uh invigurated and um uh i also felt like i miss living by the beach because i used to live really close to the beach so i guess i was a little bit sad that i didn't live there anymore but uh really happy to be there goodbye,0 +330, yes i'm okay with this very good l_a it's sunny and uh it's near the ocean uh the traffic can make it difficult to drive around between different places and there's a lack of uh uh open uh spaces if you're not near a beach uh no um i uh i haven't planned on haven't finalized any travel plans listen to music yeah um uh well i tend to excel at things that have to do with um uh spending time alone versus things that have to do with uh spending time outside with uh lots of people i'm reasonable mm maybe maybe yesterday i was trying to figure out how to stuff pack something into the car i'm very good at it i breathe in and out like that uh like jogging walking bicycling reading listening to music uh math engineering computers uh a little bit yeah um i'm a student i'm going back to school for uh biological sciences um started doing some reading on um some textbooks dream job um medical doctor uh it's i guess it depends on the type of medicine you practice uh i have a mentor yeah i have a mentor who has a lot of positive um thoughts and um suggestions i uh through a professional so i met someone through a class and then they worked with them professionally so it's i guess you could say through an academic or professional channel hmm mm uh let's see one of my most memorable i can't think of one at the moment no no i don't think so no takes me a little while to fall asleep but once i'm asleep it's it's reasonably okay uh i think i'm a little forgetful and nervous no sometimes mm what do you wanna know mm well um i think sometimes i do think about challenges ahead of me and uh that can be a little daunting and i i feel down it is very hard go for a walk read a book listen to some music um i don't i mean i'm sure they are i'm not specifically sure what triggers anything uh maybe feeling overwhelmed or uh not feeling particularly tied to some task i don't go to a therapist um reasonably smart inquisitive inquisitive and curious mm i guess through classes uh somewhat mm patience and curiosity uh enjoyed hmm mm think i went on a walk at night uh a day ago no can you repeat that can you rephrase that uh i think they're lucky very lucky got everything in front of 'em yeah uh most proud of maybe academic achievements uh i guess just the time i've spent studying math and science um hmm mm mm i'm not sure,1 +331, yes okay connecticut um to be an actor well i moved to san francisco in ninety four and then i moved to atlanta in ninety six and then i moved out here to be an actor and i became a realtor instead um to be on a t_v show an actor it's pretty hard to get discovered and uh you have to be lucky and you have to know the right people and you have to be talented yeah not really no i don't travel that much i used to move um every couple years to a different city and then i've been here for a while so i don't travel much the weather um there's always something to do and um that's pretty much it um the people here tend to be a little more rude and um it's just always a fast pace well when i moved here i was twenty five so it was a lot more fun because when you're young in the city you can have a lot of fun and then i got into the real estate and did really well for a while and then the market crashed and so now i'm old and i'm not making any money so times are tough no no i'm much much of more more of an extrovert um when i don't get what i want and um rude people and um just inconsiderate people i'm pretty good um at controlling my temper when i'm not uh like if i if i drink alcohol it'll make my temper go worse but uh when i don't drink i'm pretty good at controlling my temper uh the last time i argued with somebody was somebody that owed me money uh i live uh in west hollywood no no no i live alone i have a dog it's good i mean i don't like my neighbors i hate my neighbors but the ones upstairs just moved out so that's good news hopefully the ones that move in are not that noisy and the ones below i just can't stand because they argue with me huh why because they 'cause my hardwood floors they say that eh i've been there for ten years and they still argue about the noise of me walking on my hardwood floors yeah what was the question my mother has been a very positive influence she's always kept me on track she lived with me for the last ten years until she recently moved to rhode island to live with my brother very close to my mother um not so close with my brother mm we're close but we're not like close close um so i mean we love each other we just don't really understand each other all the time outgoing um life of the party ambitious um and sometimes cut-throat um what am i most proud of being always able to get through the things i need to get through to get to where i wanna be i'm generous i'm loyal uh i'm friendly i'm accommodating and um that's about it no yes uh about four years ago um i well i had i was beaten up and i had uh identity theft and uh you know i was just afraid to go out so i needed to get over that so after spending one year in in my home without leaving um and just depressed all the time i i said i have to get out and start talking to people and so i did thank you um okay i'm panicky about the job situation um you know 'cause my bills are pretty high and i don't really have a steady income right now so uh that's what's worrying me the most is my uh financial situation yeah um yeah i mean well basically it's like um i just recently quit drinking all together so i don't drink anymore so i'm noticing yeah i mean it's good 'cause of number one i don't have the money and number two i don't like the way i act when i drink um so so that's a positive thing but well the when i was drinking it helped me just forget and numb myself now i have to feel through the feelings which is pretty good 'cause i can talk my way through them so i guess i'm evolving uh yeah a long time ago um you know i've taken many medications here and there and um they really some of 'em would numb me some of them would make me feel hyper so i've recently decided to in the last six months three to six months just to not take anything so i don't take anything i barely even take an aspirin just to get my body to a to get my body to a normal state um not really always worrying just a lot of worrying always worrying worrying worrying about everything oh what happens if i get in car accident what happens if i can't pay my mortgage what happens if i eh eh just so many things i worry about and that's what was making me depressed i do at some point i've had some good therapists and i've had some bad therapists um i tend to like the ones that talk back to me and kinda give me some guidance as opposed to the ones that just listen and then they just say okay your time's up so and just prescribe me medication so i think i'd be better with a psychiatrist psychologist as opposed to a psychiatrist um well i'm not going to therapy now but the therapy that i had before um was more like people trying to uh just come in and check in and give me medication um i have had other therapy where i was back and forth like okay well this is what i think about this and you think about this and that kind of therapy is better um i just i wasn't getting the right therapists recently so um and i knew the the root of my problem was the drinking 'cause it's a depressant so mm you know stopping the drinking is definitely made me have a much clearer mind and just to work through things myself you know um i can't really think of anything right now um it's been a long time i can't really think about a time when i felt really happy thank you um okay when i was a kid um i had a a little dog and this big dog came and and attacked it and killed it so then a little while later my father came and he says to my brother and me we were kids go to the car there's two packages in the car so go get them so i was like yeah yeah yeah yeah 'cause i never listened to my parents so i was just like a spoiled brat but finally he said go to the car what's that oh okay he said go to the car and get this out of the car so i finally went and when i opened the door there was a new dog and a bag of dog food so that's one of my memorable esperiences yeah 'cause i'm an animal lover so um just the way that i've treated people before when i was hurting i was really mean or rude to people when i felt like you know i was hurting i had to hurt everybody around me so um but when ever since i stopped the drinking i don't do that anymore so so i think the problem is is the drinking and so now that i've let that go uh 'cause i was doing it for the wrong reasons you know i was doing it to not not feel i wasn't doing it to be sociable get in a career that is really stable like uh eh you know like a a doctor or a nurse or an attorney something that you know or in advertising i should've gone into that a sales position is it could be very well and very good or very bad so you always have to be on it in sales you can make a ton of money in sales but when you make your money save your money don't go spend it on extravagant things um when i have a job when i when i'm able to work uh when i'm helping other people uh when other people around me are happy and laughing when i can make people laugh that that puts me in a good mood okay thank you you're welcome thank you bye,1 +332, yes fine just tired california from hollywood uh not too much there's not too many things i like about it uh the people um it's not clean too much crime too many drugs uh makeup and hair it is a little bit uh not too much i just survive very difficult it's okay uh i'm getting a little old to be thinking of a career but i just want probably to get married and have a little security that's all just be a wife again uh a little bit close but everybody's pretty much passed away um i play farmville on facebook yeah i'm good i don't really have a temper uh it was my ex-husband about money people lying cheating conniving drug addicts you know just ugly people people that are hideous in the inside you know uh jesus christ that's about it my mother when she was alive well she still is a positive influence but nobody really but jesus uh memorable experiences i don't know i can't really think of one right now uh gosh memorable experiences oh i guess like maybe modeling that was pretty cool yeah yeah i was just kind of um surreal like to see yourself in magazines and pictures and stuff you know i didn't understand how it could have been me but then my photographer told me he was like well someone has to do it it might as well be you so oh well and it's true so that was cool i don't just kinda fell into it by accident i've always i'm sorry yeah yeah i wish i did it i took it further but um i couldn't really happy i don't remember i really don't uh i don't really have a best friend but i'm sure they would anybody would describe me as outgoing yeah no yes uh it was uh nineteen eighty four yeah i couldn't deal with it so i had to see a psychiatrist um horrified um couldn't sleep um panicked um major anxiety yeah yeah yes yes i do it could be if you see the right doctor if you see if yeah um it gives you the opportunity to talk to somebody and hopefully they can give you answers most of 'em don't they try to find the answers inside of you and get it out of you but it's just good to be able to talk to somebody that's kinda biased neutral really depressed extremely depressed yeah poverty yeah uh huh yeah i'm a lot more tired i sleep longer and i um i just don't have the drive motivation that i did before just try to be strong just have to get through it you know yes there are not really i'm an open book yeah um i'm a well i would say a perfectionist but that's not really a good quality 'cause it can get dangerous um i'm just artistic i'm good at a lot of things i'm really good at a lot of things but xxx well i'm good at i'm a good hairdresser and makeup artist um uh i crochet and knit really well make jewelry um not good with computers or phones though electronics yeah um i keep a perfect house or well when i'm not depressed like this i was a perfect wife the perfect wife so yeah but not anymore 'cause i'm divorced now but it wasn't me it was him so he was on drugs so he chose eh the drugs were were too much problems yeah it does it's really hard because it's like the drugs are his mistress mhm how how do i what who who oh yes no but um well i don't really consider myself an introvert um yeah i have a lot of regrets but there really wasn't anything i could do about it so there's really no point in regretting it 'cause you do what you do and you make a decision and then it's already done so why regret it why bother you know mhm make sure that when you marry a man that you ask him if he does drugs or alcohol that's one for sure that was the only question i didn't answer ask i i didn't know there's a lot of things a lot of stuff you know uh i don't know just the things that i can do that my talents that's it uh um well if i can have my starbucks and my orange gina i drink orange gina everyday and i smoke cigarettes unfortunately but it's always good to have those because you know i'm addicted to them and then if i can eat something really good and healthy at nighttime and in fact i well basically if i have something to do if i have a goal uh somewhere to go something to do like today even puts me in a good mood yeah otherwise i'd be afraid that i'd stay home and just lay in bed or farm all day i could farm for eight hours on farmville yeah you're welcome nice to meet you ,1 +333, yes very well new york just turn the volume up a little bit uh for a change yeah it's good i wanted i wanted to i wanted to see what los angeles was about um probably took a year or two uh you know being away from my family being away from what i was used to in new york the neighborhoods the people and just getting acclimated to a whole new lifestyle here uh the weather you can't beat the weather it's generally always nice it's not too hot it's not too cold uh it's creative i do like uh you know movies uh like the beach the traffic it's a lot of traffic uh some of the sometimes i think people are a little bit colder here than and more distant and unfriendly than other places i was a history major no uh i do uh demonstrations in really uh high-end supermarkets uh to be a screenwriter that's one of the reasons why i came to los angeles um it's hard 'cause i don't always maintain uh focus and motivation i let other things distract me uh i was uh i've always been interested in films ever since i was a child and i was just always you know was writing and had an active imagination uh i've in the last probably almost ten years i've traveled more than i had in the past well i've always traveled even as a kid my parents would travel around so yes seeing new places and seeing uh people that are different than i am seeing how they live and taking in the sights uh i went to kenya that was probably one of the best trips i ever went on um on the safari and just going out in a jeep and seeing wild animals in their own natural habitat was pretty incredible oh yeah that's one the great experiences of my life and i also got to uh a a place in egypt uh at the end of that trip um called uh sharm el sheikh which is right on the water and it has some of the best scuba diving in the world which is hard to believe that egypt would but it was just amazing i went i didn't go scuba diving i went uh snorkeling what do i do to relax uh i i do i like to listen to music i like to uh helping watching movies helps me relax 'cause it takes me out of you know whatever might be on my mind i do meditate every day um i like to take walks in nature that's always calming especially down by the uh the ocean uh what i it depends sometimes i get angry and lose my temper uh a lot of times uh i'll do like a form of self-hypnosis and calm myself which is something i've recently learned how to do which is very helpful and also since i meditate it doesn't i don't get annoyed at things as easily as i did in the past some things that makes me really mad i guess uh think of injustice in the world or done to people when uh it doesn't really need to be that way that we could all get along um and and make the world better uh last night i went to a movie screening of a independent film and i didn't think it was done very well it's not so much that we had a fun argument about uh about the movie so that was like you know that just happened yesterday so that was that's on my mind is there anything i regret yeah there's there are have been opportunities in my life that i wished i had uh taken them and pursued them uh certain jobs you know when i first got to los angeles i had an opportunity to uh become a grip and uh and i i probably should've pursued that how did i decide it to do that i don't really understand the questions take advantage of every opportunity that came my way to always i think saying yes uh to any opportunity is is very important and no matter how you feel you know you have to be confident that you'll be able to achieve what you wanna do no no no but i've been depressed in my life uh for the most part i've i've been feeling good sometimes uh i feel a little blue uh i think you know sometimes if i if i allow allow a regret to come into my mind that can bring me down but i can you know usually get out if it pretty quickly uh sometimes financial concerns sometimes uh an an opportunity um how do i explain it eh there sometimes sometimes eh financial is one way i that i if i had made another decision i might have more money or my life would be different um not really i mean i i feel pretty much the same what got me to seek help for let's come back to that um i've well okay well it generally talking to someone has helped when i did do that uh pretty easy i don't have a problem sleeping uh usually i'm grumpy so if i don't sleep well uh you know i feel tired and irritable uh how would my best friend describe me that's a good question um friendly well i'm friendly i'm definitely friendly and outgoing uh little bit secretive um i would probably that i should be they'd like to see me more accomplished and uh and uh attaining my goals and happier maybe a little happier i think um it it it's tough it depends sometimes i'm very introverted 'cause i do like to write so that takes it means that i have to spend time alone and then when i come out of that uh i'm extroverted so i don't really see myself with as one hard way or the other it all depends on my on the situation and my mood my best qualities um i think i'm caring i think i'm intelligent uh i think i'm funny i'm outgoing um i have a likeable personality you know people have said that um i'm engaging but not uh oppressive or overly engaging there's a sort of a cool detachment um and creative intuitive yes last time i felt really happy i don't know i woke up this morning i was pretty happy i had breakfast i was happy sun was shining um i think that like i said going to kenya was a memorable experience i do remember scuba uh snorkeling was a really great experience experience i just remembered you know seeing all the colors in the ocean you know and feeling the sun powerful sun on my back um almost beyond you know because almost beyond like human in a way just more in touch with like everything the universe yeah it would be nice to feel that way every moment of the day but what am i most proud of in my life i think i've uh helped people uh and sometimes when they were in crisis um you know i've written some screenplays screenplays um i've had some good relationships um good relationships just you know being connected with someone else you know spending time with them and connecting on emotional and physical and mental levels um what it could be a song that i hear on the radio uh it could be uh lot of times looking forward to something you know if i'm gonna go to a movie go bowling hang out with people um you know looking at work and and going to work and feeling productive can put me in it puts me in a good mood you're welcome bye bye,1 +334, okay yes pretty good a little tired seattle washington uh when i was eighteen my mom and dad decided we wanted to move to california and uh so we moved down to pasadena uh actually monrovia first and i've been here ever since yeah i did about two years ago i went up for work and a look around the area pretty easy actually i do adapt the warm weather not having rain nine months of the year um people mainly the uh the area how big it is the traffic when i first got here the smog that's better now no when i was younger i was but i got outta that with work i did sure when i became when i my mom died and i needed work i went for a job that was called petitioning and uh you have to go in front of stores and talk to people about signing petitions and you do that after awhile you don't get shy about talking to anybody also when i was in school i took public speaking and i learned that really liked it more than i thought i would so i so i did the census job i actually got up in front of groups of people and talked to them and showed them how to take the test and i enjoyed it right now i'm working on getting all my licenses for selling insurance um and i'm gonna start work uh trying to get money from people to uh help kids in the uh in the world well the on the uh job helping kids was also a paid job i needed a paid job the uh one for insurance was i was getting older and i needed work that was steady and that's something i can do till i'm eighty five or ninety or whatever to be an artist well i've been good with art i like drawing painting et cetera but i didn't know if i could ever make a living in it so i never really got into it and every time i tried it seemed i never got anywhere so maybe when i get like eighty or ninety maybe i'll go into ceramics or something and do that as a profession no unfortuantely i don't that's okay i'm not my mom and dad are die are dead i have no brothers or sisters and the rest of my family have either moved away or i don't talk to them anymore or like that well i have kind of an attitude that if i have me and friends i have then i'm okay uh read uh watch sports when they're available uh let's see i used to play golf i may do that again some day but not right now because of the cost and the time people that are rude well usually i ignore it this morning actually i told a guy to stop what he was doing and we got kind of an argument about it and then the argument was over and it was done very good because i had a very bad temper when i was a kid and i told myself i had to control it uh this morning about the guy making lots and lots of noise uh on purpose and uh in a place that was just not the place to do it i mean it was a public place but uh and that was it just a little argument and i'm done with the argument once i say what i say yes not right now that i can think of uh like read um if i can travel i travel uh i don't travel long distances but even going out to riverside is kind of an adventure for me seeing things on the way and back talking to people maybe well a number of years ago i went drove back east to uh massachusetts to do work back there on the way back i took a greyhound bus all the way back from washington d_c all the way back to california uh into washington first and then down from there and uh worked in massachusettes for about oh uh six months to eight months enjoyed the area quite a bit but didn't want to be there when the snow came and uh enjoyed coming back on the bus had people near next to me almost all the way different people and had a lot of fun yeah yeah i was in the airforce and uh when i was eighteen nineteen sixty five during the vietnam war no i was in great falls montana it it really didn't years later i probably uh learned more from the fact that i got out early and maybe i should have stayed in and stuck with it but i tended to quit things when i was younger and so now that and other things i decided never to quit anything i came down here uh played pool for a number of years uh finally graduated from high school which i had dropped out of when i moved uh went on to college got my bachelor's degree and an a_a degree at pasadena and cal state l_a and started working various jobs and uh that's about it took care of my mom uh business that was my major i also studied cyclic anthropology and philosphy and history et cetera no no never depressed lately not so good between the fact that i sleep in my car and it's very cold and then sometimes i do get uh and with all the things going on in my life right now i i think of things and so and plus i get up at four thirty in the morning that's okay uh tired and i get a little grumpy sometimes but not very much tired with all the things i've had to do and uh weather and sleep no uh a little bit sometimes about how maybe i should've started doing all this years ago i just go on i tell myself to basically stop it and to uh go on doing what things to uh improve myself not very anymore it took me years to study that to do that i don't know if you call it zen or not but uh couple months ago when i passed all my tests and uh medicare uh medicare advantage and passed everyone of 'em for every company that sent 'em to me i stick to everything i do now i'm persistent i don't let things get out of hand before i do something about it i used to be uh what's the word i put off things i don't do that anymore and uh i treat people nicely always until given a reason not to and i don't talk about my bad stuff to anybody usually not very because the same thing i've trained myself over the years to not talk about myself i talk to other people i talk about them uh let's see my mother gandy um bertrand russell let's see i'm not sure who else other people i've had but i don't remember their names or they were teachers et cetera earlier in life uh like i said uh stopping everything not completing things i regret very much uh yeah i coulda done better probably the advice i gave myself to get off my butt and go learn and get an education uh and get on with my life do something that i've survived well i'm sixty five i've been sleeping in my car for a number of years i went from sleeping on pavement to where i got a car while i've done that i've improved my credit rating i've gotten uh a number of jobs that i've been very happy with i've had a lot of friends both homeless people that are homeless and not homeless and uh i'm in pretty good health and where as other people in my family have died young so i guess that's about it uh good jokes uh people having a happy time going and having a drink with somebody on occasional basis uh about eight months ago was the last time when i had a beer with someone let's see probably uh getting within one foot of a live wild deer it was in uh green lake in washington and i uh was out behind our house and this wild buck deer was walking in the field and i started motioning to it and it came within about one foot of me and the only reason it left my dad drove down the drive way and it made noise and the deer ran off i was within petting difference distance of him and i wasn't to sure if should've petted him or not but i was about to as you bye,0 +335, yes i'm okay uh i'm from here originally los angeles mhm um i like the weather and my family's here which is why i'm here i moved away for a while uh i like that there's a lot of culture even though everyone says there's not culture in l_a there is a lot of culture there's theater and film and lots of museums and things like that all different kinds of people i like the diversity mhm um well i don't like that i had to move back kind of against my will so starting a new career uh starting over in my career it so that's not really something uh well i moved back 'cause my dad was sick so thank you thank you so that's why i'm here but it also means i live with my dad and my brother who are like hoarders and ridiculous so uh acting theater it was mhm yeah yeah i am i'm an actor i uh right now i'm doing a a theater show and auditioning and taking some classes and that sort of thing um well my parents are both artsy people and i grew up around it and for a long time i was singing and then uh i was went to study musical theater and somewhere along the lines i realized that acting was more my bag than singing i suppose but i still do both mhm no i don't uh i don't usually have trouble talking to people uh i'm pretty friendly i can get along with most people people usually tell me their secrets within five minutes of meeting me which i feel is a mark of an extrovert um i take a bath or read a book uh go out with my friends go to the theater uh eh sometimes my work is very relaxing so sometimes just like singing a song or any of that going for a walk mhm yoga things that make me mad um injustice i can be very righteously indignant i suppose um people who don't see those things and people who've who have a like entitlement i think entitlement and sense of privilege that can make me mad yeah uh it depends i usually a lot of times it's i argue my case i guess um or i i call my best friend usually and complain talk to her about it pretty good pretty good i don't have too much of a temper um like a real argument or like a debate um if was a real argument it probably would be my ex-boyfriend and we just argued about why we broke up stupid things like that eh i think i was kind of over it by then but it was at times um the last time i felt really happy was like really happy probably hanging out hanging out with friends the other night i had a good time uh scrubbed_entry it is it's nice it's nice my best friend would describe me as an open book she often makes fun of me for like just telling everyone everything um she would describe me as uh compassionate and uh having a a strong sense of who i am i think yeah she also she would describe me as not having like a good sense of social norms sometimes probably that's something that she makes fun of me for um because i do just like tell everyone everything and don't realize that i have like holes in my clothes and things like that but nothing nothing bad we have a very good relationship hmm yeah yeah it has not terrible trouble but but yeah it's gotten me in trouble before sure no i haven't no but i think i had it but i never went to a doctor um 'cause i had a i had a traumatic situation uh where somebody injured me and i i feel when i looked up p_t_s_d later i realized i felt like i had all of the symptoms of like going back into situations like that i would get panicky and um it was very uh i held on to it for a really really long time i think um i think that i did have it but i just i don't know 'cause i never i never saw anyone about it um sometimes yeah uh certain physical things with that part of my body can be a trigger or um it happened in a in an acting class so sometimes certain teachers if they criticize in a certain way i start to i start to panic even if they're totally right and i know they're right and like it's something that someone else could tell me and i'd be fine with it eh sometimes it'll make me a little upset or panicky yeah no well i mean my dad is sick so not great but um but considering not terrible um i've been having bad dreams uh uh just like stress dreams i think having to do with my dad um like getting kidnapped or my teeth falling out things that if you looked them up always say like there's something out of your control which is like exactly what it is so it's not the best but it's just dreams at least so which way okay easy very easy i am tired and maybe somewhat irritable goofy i get really goofy yeah um i am fairly non-judgmental of other people i i i stay open-minded uh i can make most people laugh i'm funny uh creative um i yeah those are some of the best ones i'd say yeah i love meeting new people and seeing new things and learning uh and just getting out of the routine i like staying in hotels uh i like most things about traveling i even i even like flying i like all of it well i just finished a tour a couple months ago um going up and down the east coast and then across the u_s and uh performing for kids all over yeah and then we ended here in l_a yeah yeah it was great it was a good time yeah um lemmi think we we went to the hot springs the naturally occuring hot springs in colorado and that was really nice that was a nice way to unwind yeah a lot of people i i would say um i mean my dad comes to mind certainly uh my godmother is a huge positive influence in my life as well uh my best friend my best friend from high school i think i uh some a few of my best friends from high school um and college that i've kinda grown up with and become who i am with them yeah mhm uh small things sure yeah uh i regret the way that i dealt with a friendship that was ending once uh i regret committing to certain people that i've dated uh but nothing huge i i tend to go well i won't do that again but i don't spend a lot of time like being upset about things i've done in the past hmm stand up for yourself um don't date felons uh i think that i i don't have any trouble standing up for things that i believe in but sometimes i have trouble standing up for myself i think i i really internalize the idea of like you know women being too needy or uh or um i don't know those kinds of things and then xxx and so as as an adolescent and growing up i felt like well you then you just shouldn't need anything or you're needy and it took me a while to be able to like voice what i want what i needed from other people and be okay with that and it's still something i work on i'm glad you think so um that's a good question uh my friends and family and uh i my talents i would say yeah yeah my ability to take situations and take bad situations and continue and uh make the best of everything alright thank you goodbye goodbye ,1 +336, hello sure good a little tired indianapolis indiana uh i'm a singer i like singing um diversity my girlfriend's uh from taiwan so it's dealing with different cultures the traffic the uh crazy people it's um seems hard to get anything really accomplished it took me about six months just to figure out the directions twenty eight years ago a long time haven't been there in about eight or ten years well uh i don't like my brothers so i don't want to hang around them i started my girlfriend uh we did about uh just went back got back from orlando and uh she likes to travel so meeting new people seeing new places uh helps me to get out of l_a and get a different perspective uh i just did the avatar seminar which is like a raise your consciousness and um cleaned out the crap in your head um yeah i feel better uh been having a lot of psychic attack and it's uh i'm psychic so it's very hard to deal with it um well um there's more to life than what you see so um a lot of things are in other dimensions and other places so have to deal with not only the emotions but people uh direct energy at you um well have to do a lot of clearing and grounding and stay true to yourself i am both well i'm introverted because i like to spend time by myself and i'm extroverted 'cause i like to meet new people uh used to be totally an introvert watch movies watch t_v read uh do crosswords i'm a singer sing write music i'm writing a novel um it's sort of like the matrix um well i wrote the first twenty pages pretty quick so um uh now i'm expanding it i get inspiration uh it was actually a dream and then i wrote down the dream and now it's becoming uh i could probably turn it into a movie yeah uh when people don't respect me that's the number one no i just that my brothers they don't respect me they don't really um you know i want to love my family and but i don't want to hang around my brothers so it's a conflict exactly pretty good i only get mad about once a year um my girlfriend about two or three months ago she was wanting me to do something and i said no and i don't know yeah she's my girlfriend i know her for about a year now pretty close um one time i was singing and scrubbed_entry and i was singing to an audience and that was great um well i'm looking into ways to expand my consciousness so that i can have more money and more abundance in my life so i can uh have my own house and uh live in my own creative space uh singing i'm a singer so let's see like unforgettable so uh that's what i like to do no no no oh that's the hard part i uh i don't i don't know maybe it's because when i was uh a kid my brothers beat me up and i don't feel totally rested in myself or in my life so uh i feel like uh i don't feel totally safe yeah um a little irritable but i have been sleeping better since i met my girlfriend so it's not totally bad my what behavior what i don't know um well i feel more positive i did the seminar and uh so that let me get rid of some crap in my brain and be more positive about life um well did a lot of exercises to uh reduce my stress and lot of my stress comes from uh judging myself and other people yeah you could say that uh well mm mm i don't know it's hard hard to deal with sometimes i mean sometimes a lot much too critical for my own good uh well watching t_v gets up but uh lately i just been feeling like i need to um have less judgement and more fun uh well i did that seminar um it was about a week ago i think uh well i went to that seminar i got there i was able to take off work and be in a different environment 'cause my job is stressful and my life is stressful so uh i was able to take a break which is great uh i'd say i'm outgoing fun smart uh but i mean in l_a people in l_a they don't want to most of them don't want to spend time with you i don't know if that's because of me or l_a uh that i spend a lot of my time worrying and criticizing myself instead of moving forward avoid it yeah watching t_v or going to see movies or trying not to think of it but it doesn't solve the problem uh well a little bit i haven't paid my bills a lot i still owe money so um it's kind of a self-defeating prophecy prophecy uh stop criticizing and start creating your future now instead of waiting for it to happen uh my girlfriend's been really helpful well she's funny and she loves me and cares about about me and uh yeah um singer and i'm intelligent and creative and multi-dimensional and uh i'm a good listener uh well i've written about four or five books i uh my voice i think would be number one 'cause when i started i didn't have much of a singing voice but now i do okay bye bye,1 +337, yeah i'm doing okay how are you doing i'm originally from like a suburb a suburb of l_a from the san gabriel valley i like the diversity i like the vibe of the city i've lived other places and it's just not as happy here i feel like i can really thrive here so i just like l_a like all the things that are so close together then there's a lot of interesting things that totally different parts of the city just miles away from each other uh don't like the traffic don't like all the cars but i can live with it i mean there's not that much i don't like i studied music um vocal performance i studied music technology things like that yes right now um i sing in an opera company but my i do have a day job because it doesn't pay that much unless you're actually working for the l_a opera so i do have a day job i work at a call center that caters mostly to performers and actors and things like that and it's really good because if i get a call i can call in and change my shift very easily so it's actually a pretty good gig and i do some uh technology gigs sometimes you know it's do some recording some live sound stuff but i'm kinda wanna get away from that do some video work sometimes but again i wanna get away from that i wanna go back to the because i find that performing more is more interesting i like being talent more than i like being crew so i kinda wanna get away from that side and start working more toward actually doing what i wanna do with my life sometimes i mean per my personal life yeah so i do have a shell that i put out there to deal with people but if i'm at home you know i'd kinda rather just keep to myself or my husband or my cats or whatever talk to family don't really have too many close friends but yeah you know i'd rather keep to myself uh moderately close to the family that i have left i've actually lost a lot of family in the last ten years or so but like thank you but like uh my i'm close to my husband and you know i've got couple of cousins i talk to and my aunt that i have an aunt that i talk to a bit but it's not like we're interacting every day close together but it's somewhat close mostly i sing or i read or i write or just hang out and try to clear my mind of all thoughts sometimes it doesn't work but i try to do that and try to just clear everything and see what starts coming back in and sometimes sometimes that works sometimes it doesn't but mostly creating things um contacting my family some you know through facebook or whatever works but mostly in my free time i create things i'd like to travel more i like to travel by car a lot um i mean my idea of like having a birthday celebration would be to go on a road trip and i like to travel more um i would love to travel for work things or whatever but i don't get as much of an opportunity as i would like to to travel seeing uh particularly traveling by car seeing like the landscape change seeing people change seeing you know feeling the vibrations of the area change i like just seeing what's out there seeing and i know that there's a bigger world outside of where i am and where i live and my world and i like to see that but i like to leave that too and go back to my own world um let's see xxx a trip that i like to take is to make the drive from here to nevada whether i go all the way to vegas or just go to state line um my cousin and i would take what we call exit one trips because once you get to the first exit of a highway you're either in another state or you're at the end of the highway so we'd take those we'd just sort of impromptu with like
  • a day or two notice just move things around just take off so those are actually trips that i i like making 'cause i take off and then just come back sometimes the same day sometimes overnight just small short trips that aren't very involved but you just get to go and you see things and see how um you know the desert landscape looks in different seasons how people react in different times of the year in different areas so close to home but not but not close to home close to home but uh still a world away so that 'cause i don't really have time to take like a two week vacation or whatever but that's just little things that kinda put things back in perspective and and clear my head and things like that i mean 'cause there's sort of a sense of meditation and zen that you get on a highway that you don't get driving a freeway so i i like i like doing that the last time that happened was may of last year that's the last time i was able to do that we actually my aunt came over with my cousin who's ten years younger than i am and we kinda grew up like sisters and i was about to move away from the inland empire which is where they live so they kinda took me on a last hurrah and we drove up to vegas and looked around and came back 'cause i actually lived in vegas for awhile but i didn't like it so they kinda i showed showed them some of the locals sites around there and we came back and was you know an overnight trip but we were driving the entire time so it was kind of an interesting uh things that are just inherently unfair when people are mean to the elderly or to children or to animals people who can't fight back and they're mean to them just because they can't fight back and i actually like to see people who are strong as strong as the people who are being mean standing up and being an advocate or what have you so i think that's one thing that's makes me really mad just being cruel or mean for no reason you know not people for people who can't fight back or for people who've done nothing to deserve it just that kinda really just makes me mad when i'm annoyed i'll try to just walk away from the situation and if the situation insists on following me then i'll wind up lashing out somehow either you know verbally just cutting 'em with a quip or you know i mean i i rarely just i rarely will yell at somebody but i'll try to you know if i'll try to walk away and defuse it if that doesn't work then i'll let them know that they're annoying me and get away from me that usually works not in like legal trouble or anything because usually i'll find a way to get them to leave me alone um so there's not really like big trouble but 'cause i think 'cause it's it it is off-putting and it's not expected the expected reaction and that's actually kind of cultivated in me that it's not the expected reaction 'cause i know that will work and get people away from me so it's not really in trouble and if it's is trouble it's usually trouble that it's from their the other person's perspective and it doesn't affect me at all because it's usually a situation i can get out of so as long as they leave me alone you know i don't i i'll walk away from it uh the last time i argued with somebody like person like a person like a family member or an outsider or somebody not in my uh the last thing i can think of was i argued with my husband about the care of my mother-in-law 'cause she's got dementia and so we one of the reasons we came out here from the inland empire was to take care of her 'cause she won't go anywhere but l_a i mean she is like hardcore angelino like you know we we know we are the we're that in our nature but we also know it's cheaper to live elsewhere but um so we came out here to take care of her and he wants her to be able to stay in her in her apartment and i want her to move in with us because it would be cheaper and faster and easier and safer for her if she lived with us but she wants to stay where she is 'cause she can't see that there's inherent danger now because of the disease process but he wants her to stay where she he wants her to be able to have what she wants 'cause he's a mama's boy like i am i'm a mama's girl even though i've lost my mom like four years ago i'm still a mama's girl and i'll still and i still and i know that it brings you a sense of satisfaction to to carry out their wishes because you care about them so much and that's what they want so you wanna get it for 'em and because you know they you know that happened when you were growing up when they tried to give you what you want because you wanted it and you wanna do that for them now like sort of giving back to them somebody that you care about somebody you feel deserves it but it's kinda dangerous for her you know and i don't want things something to happen to her yet i want her to remain who she is for as long as she can 'cause i know it the disease that she has is gonna erase who she is eventually and eventually she will have to be put in a place where they can give her twenty four hour medically trained care but until then we can we can handle it you know amongst ourselves 'cause it's not that bad but it's getting where she really shouldn't has no business living by herself anymore so the solution right now is he stays there most the time with her and i go back to our house and i it gets stressful and it gets annoying because i do i handle the outside things i run the errands i take her to the store things like that he does the day to day things makes sure she has she eats makes sure she you know has clean clothes things like that so i mean it's a partnership it's a it's a dual effort it's very much a dual effort but i would like her to move in with us so that was that's like a source of it's not really like yelling screaming argument but lively discussion you know than debate meh it's not insurmountable i mean life's not gonna be easy ever and if it is that's when you should worry because that's when somebody can pull the rug out from under you so as long as you're on top of things and you're present in your life it's not gonna be easy but you deal with it and you you move on uh the most positive influence i think have been probably my mother and my grandmother 'cause my mom was pretty much a single mom and my grandmother helped raise me and they actually gave me a lot of confidence and but were realistic about it so i mean i think i have sort of a realistic sort of a downer temperment to myself but they but they helped me see that it's just in me and it's not something i can't get over and that you know life's gonna go on you know my mom would say to me when you're forty you're forty whether you're working at mcdonald's or doing what you want with your life and i think that was a big influence on how i lived have how i've lived my life since she's passed i regret not taking care of myself in the last year of my mother's life because i think it may have clouded some of my decisions now i do have underlying conditions and everybody in my family is diabetic and i didn't take care of that when she was the last year of her life 'cause i was too busy wanting to get her home my focus was to get her home so i didn't eat right i didn't take my insulin right um i wound up making myself insulin resistant that that year just 'cause my blood sugar was so high for eh like a year eating just horrible foods when i did eat so it really took a toll and i really actually made myself very sick and i'm wondering well if i didn't if i would've taken care of myself and i had my head on completely straight and my my vision my vision and my thoughts weren't completely weren't clouded would i have made some better decisions on her behalf especially when she needed 'em and when she needed me to be to step in and make the decisions for her because she uh wound up having a health catastrophe 'cause she had kidney well she had kidney damage that wound up being kidney failure and her health insurance provider missed that so she wound up having sort of this whole catastrophe where everything at once just started breaking down she wound up having a stroke at like fifty one she had had a small stroke and it just kinda went down from there so i'm thinking well if i didn't if i had taken care of better care of myself would i have been able to take better care of her and i know there wasn't anything i would've been able to do to prevent her death but what if i if i would i have been be able to make it easier on her if i would have taken care of myself and that's like one huge regret that i have oh i know i am but xxx it's my desire to take responsibility for everyone and everything that i care about taking responsibility for my own life and me and mine and i know other people i can't really direct them into my own vision because they're their own individual beings and they can't you know be what i want them to be and i know they're not going to be but i still have you know my ideals and i want the way i want everything to go and i want everybody that i care about to be happy and to be able too fit into my life in a way in the best way possible but i know 'cause they're other beings and i know i'm not gonna be able to do that for them and they're not gonna be able to do that for me but it's still my ideals so i have to sometimes have to look at it and go well is this what i want because i want it or what is what they want and what's their is it their decision or mine and it's usually it's theirs and i know it's theirs so i so if you really care about somebody you're just gonna support them and go with them but it's still kinda hard for for me and know i gotta get over it um ten or twenty years ago probably to have been more assertive in starting my own life because i wound taking care of my mother i mean she got sick literally the weekend i graduated from college and i had a job lined up and i had to pull out of that because she needed me to take care of her and i think i would've been more aggressive about starting my own life getting a job outside the house in addition to caring for her getting uh my own job history my own credit history thing like things like that built up instead of becoming just totally her daughter for about ten years so i think i i probably would've done that um but i tell myself just do that you keep who you are and learn to separate your you who you are and what you feel you need to be doing for your family to keep a sense of of yourself that's probably what i would've and do things for yourself to keep that sense of yourself that's probably the advance advice of what i would give myself ten years ago no no no but probably 'cause i haven't gone to a doctor about it 'cause i don't wanna know and i mean it's not i know there've been times in my life where i've been severely depressed and it's usually circumstances and had to pull myself out of it but i'd rather pull myself out of it before resorting to treatment and of it gets um after my mother had died i mean it'd been this long battle for a year that we lost and i didn't know if i if i was to blame for that it's like logically i knew i wasn't but how could i convince myself of that um two weeks after she died i wound up with pulmonary embolisms in one in each lung because i didn't take care of myself for a year and i figured oh i'm thirty years old if you know whatever i do to myself i can get over no turns out no but um i mean i wound up having to take more medication because of that uh it's been a fight to get my own health back to get to be able to get out of that depression 'cause so much of my life was based on being my mother's daughter all of a sudden i didn't it's like the rug was pulled out my like bottom fell out of my world after that so that was the prilly pretty much sent me into a deep depression um i almost got divorced because of it because i just didn't want anything anymore so and i was i being really distant from my husband by then at that time we were married for about two years at that point and i started getting very distant from him just pushing everything away just you know figuring well what am i gonna do with the rest of my life now and it it's been a fight you know you mean there times when no i couldn't get up just stay in bed and sleep all day you know but then realizing that when my mother died i had four cats to look after two are mine two are hers and so i wound up adopting the two that were hers i mean well they don't have a choice of whether they can go out and get their own food and get their own you know own own supplies i took that responsibility of doing it for them so that was one motivating factor was that they didn't have a choice of whether or not i was gonna get up and provide for them i mean i could go without eating i could go without taking care of myself but they couldn't they didn't you know so they eh they actually got me up and and made me go out and face things even though i didn't want to didn't just didn't just kinda wanted to curl up and die but that would've been my choice not theirs and they i mean what would happen to them if i wasn't there to take care of them they would've been you know sent to a shelter or whatever probably and maybe they would've not been readopt me home and adopted by somebody else maybe they would have been killed for for me i mean for me making selfish decisions so it's like i need somebody to take care of to get myself out of bed so and that's actually been a motivating factor is to to 'cause i've figured out that if it was just me i'd be able to live without a lot of stuff i mean i would be able to live in my car if i wanted it wouldn't be a big deal i wouldn't care as long as i was doing what i wanted with my life but i have a family to look after now so i have to go out and do things you know i i have to go out and look for legitimate work you know day you know day job i have to you know but i'm trying to strike a balance between the two because it's what i wanna do with my life but yet i have to take care of my family so i'm been working on on a balance of the two very but it's worth it i mean it would be very i'd have a lot less things to worry about if i just lived in my car and said forget it but keeping a residence down paying bills things like that it's it's difficult but you have to do it you know if you want you want anything if you ever want anything in your life you have to go through that and i and and i know that but it it gets hard sometimes you do wanna give up but then it's like well what's the alternative i mean i don't think i could live a comfortable life 'cause if i did i wouldn't do anything i have to be slightly uncomfortable or i'm not gonna do anything with myself i'm just gonna be content to just hang out all day stay in bed hang out with my cats or whatever and i wouldn't get anything done uh very anxious and nervous and i mean what if i don't find enough you know enough work to be able to pay my rent or whatever what if um you know what what if i can't keep a semblance of stability in my life and it it's actually hard work to be stable and i know it's hard work to be stable but what you know it's just eh a lot of what ifs and and i don't think it's things that haven't happened and it's stupid and pointless to worry about things that haven't happened and i know that but it still happens it still creeps in so that's actually a source of anxiety but then you try to let the anxiety go by getting things done figuring things out making a solid plan and going for it but i i i know it it's a cycle and i'll go from being really anxious and oh my god what am i gonna do what am i gonna do to saying okay what is the fundamental thing i need to take of here i mean what what is just extraneous and what can what can what is what are the actual non issues and what is the actual issue and so figure out how to figure things out that way and then the anxiety starts to go away a little bit but then something'll pop up and the what ifs will come up again mm i'll have to uh figure it out again but i know it's a cycle i know um what seems huge on the surface when you start chipping away at it you get over it pretty quickly you get through it the last time i felt really happy i don't know zz um i huh that's a good question that actually that actually surprisingly stumped me because i do feel happy sometimes sometimes not so much sometimes just kinda eh in the middle um really like overjoyously happy i don't know i i'm not i can't think of of when that happened i don't know you don't know perceptions of other people i mean probably as somebody who oddly enough somebody who is laid back and you know handles things as they come but i don't see myself as that at all and it's a it probably that i can think on my feet and i'm not afraid to hussle my butt off and do whatever i have to to survive and get things done um that and i can do it creatively and i try to strive for balance probably probably the best things about me that i'm doing basically what i want with my life which even though it's not all easy it's not um you know i'm not financially well off or anything it's still a lot more than a lot of people can say about their lives 'cause i have an aunt that i really don't talk to who and the reason why i don't talk to her is because she's always miserable i mean she's got a career that she it's more of a job that she fell into 'cause my older aunt uh loves animals but didn't wanna be a veterinarian so she became a dog groomer and she was actually really good at it she had a stable business for a long time but her hands you know she started getting arthritis in her hands and she had um the actually my cousin's father went and kinda stole all the money from her business so she lost her business and she kinda she retired early 'cause between that and the arthritis she wound up retiring early she employed my younger aunt who was still a dog groomer but she hates it and it's like change your life if you hate your life so much change it and the thing the thing i'm most proud of is yeah i'm not as financially well off as she is but i'm doing what i want with my life you know i can be creative i can have creative people around me people who i actually like to talk to around me people i actually like in my life and be happy with that and i see a lot of people who aren't and it it gives me a sense of of maybe a a bloated sense of self satisfaction to be able to say i'm not like that and i'm actually doing what i want even though there's sacrifices i'm still fundamentally doing what i want with my life now thank you okay thank you goodbye,1 +338, yes i'm doing fine i'm from los angeles california wow wonderful weather um outdoor activities all the time too crowded pollution the norm i studied child communications um recently i just i would say yes preschool teacher well i've always worked with children ever since i was eighteen years old so i figured doing something helping someone it doesn't pay well but you're investing in the future wow some job that i could get paid to be outside all day get paid well to be outside all day yes i'm kinda quiet but i also like i probably would say borderline i like outside activities but i mainly kinda do um activities probably by myself so yeah i would say i'm an introvert slightly uh wow just um maybe a racist or disrespectful person i kinda shut down and and reevaluate how i am as a person how i'm coming off to other people i can't change anyone else's personality but i can work on my own i'm pretty good i usually don't argue with people i usually walk away i mean a argument doesn't settle anything wow it's a lot of things i regret but it's not anything that i can control probably the biggest regret was losing my mother thank you i was extremely close to my mother that was who i am as a person who made me as a person wow twenty ten years ago i would tell myself not to be so angry so upset all the time about things i can't control i would tell myself to relax and not be so hard on myself i think that's pretty cool i think you should have different avenues to deal with different people no i have not no i have not yes um less than a month i realized i have to evaluate myself as a person so i can't really look to anyone else to help me unless i i start with myself no i don't i feel like as a person as uh a individual i feel like i should be able to control things myself i feel like to go seek out help is good for someone else it probably is very good for other people i've worked with that population of p_t_s_d um veterans before so i know that it helps a lot of people but i don't feel like it's for me it's not difficult at all i've always been like a loner someone who who tries to handle to handle my own problems and situations a little depressed but i think everyone is it has a little bit of sadness in them at some point day by day day by day i just started a exercise program so i'm trying to look at myself for the solution always known ever since i was a child things moved me differently than other kids so i felt like i was always different i felt like if i was gonna ever understand me as a person then i would have to work on myself so yes um today i got to see my best friend after a long time so i mean happiness comes and goes but i felt happy today wow he would say really silly um but still when i'm around him i try to be happy i try to present a a a situation where we're both gonna be happy no one wants to be around a depressed person scrubbed_entry wow i mean on certain days everything could be my best quality but i would say um i'm loyal i'm dependable um i would just say i try to be there in the moment i'm not a person who who is really fat flashy excuse me uh flashy or into materialistic things so i feel like i'm very grounded oh my mother by far my sisters uh my mom was a school teacher which made me wanna become a school teacher and that's basically what i have been doing uh my sister has been at her job for forty years so i've always had a stable influence in my life wow i would say just sitting on a sunny nice day talking to my mother i would say that would bring a smile to my face immediately wonderful wonderful i like to get out and play sports i play four or five different sports and um i like to go for a walk i like to ride my bike i like to get out and be active having such a wonderful mother i mean i have to keep going back to that subject because we're introduced into this life and that's our first teacher that's our first teacher and it's gonna be our teacher for a very long time and uh i'm just very thankful i'm very proud to have had such a wonderful woman as my mother riding my bike simple things going for a walk with my sister exercising uh just last sunday well thank you,1 +339, yes um i'm okay i was born in san bernardino california yes um i'm staying with a sister in north hollywood um she makes it as comfortable as possible uh i love the weather and the entertainment and the public transportation um it's very difficult to find full time employment and some of the people aren't as friendly as people from the south 'cause i lived in the south before um those are the only two things no i don't i was an english major in college i haven't finished yes i am um i'd like to be a recording singer yes um i've always loved to sing from the time that i was a child at times um when i'm alone i am um extremely i guess i would say um inter minded like i um have a lot of thoughts and i keep them to myself so if i'm in that mode then i don't really um interact with people but i can also interact with people if i change modes um i just started doing yoga a couple of weeks ago and last week on thursday no on tuesday um usually i just try to um remain quiet and listen to the situation if it's a person or if it's a situation that i'm dealing with myself that's annoying i try to um think of alternate ways that would make the situation better um come up with alternate plans so i won't get annoyed um pretty good um mm i may have had an argument a few weeks ago um just about timeliness like meeting on time and showing up on time and it was actually last um monday yeah mhm no um to just be cautious of people's intentions and to listen really well 'cause people usually tell you what their intentions are without even um realizing realizing it um a good listener patient um fun loving generous um depressed sometimes um but generally a good person no i have not yes um within a year and a half ago um i just knew that i often thought about situations that um happened in the past and kinda blamed the situation for my future and um um certain settings um if i um see certain types of individuals in certain settings it just reminds me of when i was younger when things happened and changed my future plans so i um try to i used to just try to avoid those types of situations and certain types of people at that time but now i feel like i um just handle things better as far as um being in the similar settings with similar people i just i um handle those things better i do um i like to believe that it does i don't worry as much um it's just allowed me to know that actually speaking about the issues um relieves me of the tension of um holding them inside so that's how it's helped me at first it was difficult just being open with my internal emotions but now it um it actually is good because i know that when things are occurring um if i'm able to um communicate about them with a certain individual it um relieves me of the stress of of uh trying to figure out everything alone and often times um by speaking about the issues it um allows me to come up with an alternative plan that may be be better just because i'm hearing myself speak of the issue um i was diagnosed with depression and um my doctor felt that i should probably see the therapist um i am it depends um if i'm really busy during the week and have a lot of things to do i often try to plan things and if i'm planning things it affects my sleep i might wake up in the middle of the night so sometimes it's easy and sometimes it isn't irritable um very just very irritable um i was feeling anxious but now i'm calmer um today i don't but i have in the past week um because i was in the midst of um searching for a a stable a stable place to live and um it was just taking so long to find a stable place to live so i was becoming anxious thank you yes um maybe in october um well my mother first came she came to visit me in october and when she first got here we had a good time for the first couple days um so i was happy to see her i hadn't seen her in over a year mhm um i'm proud that i'm able to um adjust to different situations um the older i've gotten the more adaptable i am to in different environments in different situations and um i've learned how to be more resourceful so i'm proud of that um i'm sorry oh my dad and uh my sister she's positive 'cause she's finished her master's degree um my mom sometime um my best friend is very positive 'cause she just started her new business two years ago and she's very enthusiastic about it so that's an inspiration um when someone lies consistently um i listen very very well um sometimes i um give good advice i'm a good friend um i normally do the things that i say i'm going to do so i'm dependable um i communicate well and i um enjoy people's company most of the time especially if they're in good moods um being around positive people music um puts me in a good mood um comedy shows put me in a good mood um good food puts me in a good mood um when i graduated from high school it was a really um i will never forget it it was a wonderful day very confident accomplished and i was um extremely optimistic and hopeful for the future you're welcome bye,1 +340, yeah i'm okay fine pensacola florida uh i met my wife in mississippi and she stays out here so i moved to l_a what two thousand four about yeah about sixteen years twelve years ago something like that it was pretty hard you know different environment i had to learn different things so the weather and there's a lot to do uh too many people uh i guess whenever i can uh two years ago uh we're pretty close nah not at all i just don't really have the guess the time and the cash mm not nothing not really nothing really makes me that mad anymore yeah i'm very good at controlling my temper mm not really sure when was the last time i'd say maybe i'm not not really sure but it was just just about money you know money uh i read the bible uh not really i really don't have anyone right now i really can't think i really can't tell you i don't know no no no it's pretty easy mm just sleepy uh in my behavior it got better uh started going to church i gave my life to the lord started going to church so i'm just trying to do the right things now uh because i knew that i needed to and life was just just not the way it should be a whole lot better um i'm good to hang around you know good uh like to make people laugh and and um i look out for people take you know mm i'm not just for myself but you know others and things like that uh just went to disneyland with my son for his birthday and my and my uh daughter i really enjoyed that yes that you see someone's that look just like you and you get to raise them and and try to you know make sure they do the right things and be better than what you were uh knowing that how evil the world is and your son has to live in it it used to be hard but with prayer you know and faith everything's gonna be alright they're very fast when we were growing up things was different you know but now the world is just way worse off than what it is than what it was hmm flying in a airplane that's for the first time yeah i was nervous 'cause i'd never been on a plane before so felt a little nervous scared you can say yeah this one i flew back home you know visited home went back for about a week or two yeah seeing my family hadn't seen 'em in a couple of years so that was pretty cool uh right now in college i'm taking i'm studying i want to be a culinary um culinary culinary arts so i want to be a chef i like cooking so i just decided just go ahead and you know get a education on it yeah i'm happy i'm proud that i made the decision to serve the lord and do the right things uh last night just 'cause it's like i know that everything's gonna be alright and i have no more worries so i'm happy hmm cooking love cooking puts me in a good move and seeing that my kids are happy that can that's that's cool nope can't say i regret anything i really don't know no problem bye bye,0 +341, sure i'm doing fine just a little tired california yes um the weather not last week but yeah the weather fear of earthquakes psychology i am i go to harbor college i am um wish i would've went sooner but better late than never probably i'm not sure i haven't really thought about it i wanna work in the field of psychology but i'm not sure if i wanna work with children or adults so i haven't really decided no i don't know i just don't maybe once a year um june actually i went to uh orlando florida sometimes yeah not as i'm sorry um watch t_v read a book talk on the phone mhm mad mm my mom gets in my business other than that um i guess just frustrations with my son no um the hardest thing is um raising a child with a disability not knowing how you can help him it is it's very hard i don't sugarcoat it at all just having my children they're a blessing i love 'em with all the good and the bad it's a part of me and i just love the fact that i'm helping mold them into good human beings we're really close i mean my family's small we live within blocks of each other but yeah we're close good or bad most memorable just giving birth for the first time it was just amazing my son is nine now so i still remember it like it was yesterday like i was being born again myself i don't know how to explain it it just very emotional i don't know i guess i have a lot of regrets but none that i really wanna mention i guess stay in school don't get emotionally involved and um let people deter you from your goals oh yeah definitely did you wanna move on i'm okay i mean i'm pretty easygoing for the most part i don't really have a temper per se things frustrate me more than they anger me xxx oh that's easy with my mother she's like um i guess the argument stemmed from me wanting to socialize she feels that i'm married with children so i should stay at home like ninety nine percent of the time and i wanted to go out and socialize with some ex co-workers and she basically kinda put me down for it as if i don't spend enough time with my children it does and i love my mom i hate even having the thoughts of being frustrated with her because i always think gosh i don't wanna get mad at her and then something happens to her the next day but she gets kinda intrusive i don't know oh i know um after the semester ended when i noted that i you know i did well in school 'cause i had been it had been a long time since i went to school so when i received my grades you know a and a b i was like wow okay i can do this and it made me happy and that was about a few weeks ago i guess mhm thank you my mom i know it's good and bad i mean for the most part my mom's been a positive influence you know it's just sometimes you know she gets a little like she wants to re-raise me or something like she doesn't understand that i'm an adult i'm gonna make my own decisions now and pretty much have to let me do what i need to do a lotta heavy breathing i mean i walk sometimes when i get a lil' frustrated whatever i'll just go take a walk you know or um just try not to think about it thank you yes yes the navy i was nineteen yeah yeah i didn't have any other options i am i probably should've stayed in a lil' longer i was only in for four years but you know i wanted to experience life outside the military so i did my enlistment and then i got out it made me a little bit more responsible than some of my friends that you know did not join the military i can notice a big difference as far as you know how i live my life and how they live theirs um just made me a little bit more responsible thank you i worked in the medical field for about five years and uh oh thank you but um it wasn't for me i wanted to do something lil' bit different i didn't wanna do patient care i wanted to work with people but not necessarily as a patient care provider so i started going to school and then i met my husband i stopped going to school got married and i started working in a telecommunications field and then we you know conceived our child and after that you know i think i'm caring well i know i am i'm very caring you know i'm very honest to a fault sometimes you know i try to be as honest as possible with people sometimes it can hurt their feelings but you know you gotta be honest you can't let people think that you know you're not trusting and if mm yeah probably i don't i never really thought about it i don't know maybe i don't really think about it i just try to be the best person that i can be you know so all i can do i can't live for what other people think i can only do what i need to do um i don't know i never really thought about it i guess it just you know being around my kids you know i just love being around my children and that's always puts me in a good mood thank you okay like i said a lil' tired you know but you know for the most part okay you know i'm dealing with situations that well i go to bed really early so long as i go to bed early i get a good night's sleep but i wake up early as well so it's kinda like good and bad a lil' bit i go to bed like eight eight thirty and then i wake up at like one one thirty so very moody very irritable short short-tempered i guess if anything i think i'm thinking more positively you know like i said especially with my son having a disability you know i i look at it as if you know it's not all bad i mean he has challenges eh but i'm dealing with them a lot better you know as opposed to feeling sorry for him or feeling sorry for myself you know i'm just finding more avenues to work with him you know different resources to help him as opposed to just feeling guilty or sad and depressed about it thank you no occasionally who doesn't i don't know can we skip that question green seems to be the word kinda like um yeah probably green like naive a little but at the same time smart i think she'll describe me as smart mhm yeah okay no problem bye,1 +343, yes i'm okay uh los angeles california yes i like the weather um basically i like the people different uh things to do out here mm i'm not really sure that get excuse me xxx um i would have to say someone being rude or uh someone bullying or just somebody that has a negative attitude when i'm annoyed it all depends hmm i might make have a comment or something like that or uh i might just absorb it or something you know just think about it it all depends on the situation no uh i don't i think i had a disagreement i don't know when the last time i've been in some argument i really don't it's been a long time it was just basically a disagreement but i i haven't argued with anyone someone in quite some time i can't even recall uh it was a family matter and my brother had a disagreement with with one of our other brothers and you know he was upset about that in return i got a little upset because you know what you mean what you mean how hard is what so excuse me for excuse me for laughing now oh so could you go over that again what was the question okay listen to music somewhat i don't know why i guess you know that's how it is a a little bit i do why did you ask why did you ask me that huh basic uh things english math but why'd you ask me that question though uh i'm um trying to find employment right just a job that i enjoy going to i don't really have a dream job no uh when my kid children was small playing with 'em that's the last time i was really that i recall it's not easy hmm trying to give some guidance or some advice that they'll listen to being a parent you know you just connected to someone you know it's family someone that you love and someone that loves you isn't much to tell i mean i have children just you know well not children i have one child and two uh sons that's older they're adults i think i'm kinda close with them what do i what what you mean what do i think of today's kids what do you mean by that i think they're more uh i don't think they're as respectful as they were when i was a when i was young when i was a kid i think they got more disrespectful no no before i uh uh maybe about six months ago or something like that just the way i was feeling you know i just wasn't feeling good i was feeling sad you know and wasn't sleeping good and you know just wasn't feeling right i had a problem with the way i was feeling that was the whole purpose of me going to seek some kinda help feel alright have i ever did what no right now no oh i don't sleep that good i don't know why if i had an answer if i had an answer i would sleep better um i don't know no i never i never been to therapy i don't have a best friend i have a a couple i think i have some good qualities i think i'm basically a good person uh the company of uh my associates that usually do just hanging out with uh a friend we were just hanging out laughing talking drinking beer yeah i felt alright no i should've completed college i said i should have i got many of 'em hmm well i have a lot of 'em um getting up this morning that was memorable 'cause it was a new day and thankful to be to be living today mhm man uh i would say being a father just being a father you know and uh that is a a memorable that's a good experience excuse me uh i don't i can't um i had a couple of 'em i guess uh some people that i associated with probably that's the most uh one i can think of thank you alright bye,1 +344, yes i'm okay i'm from uh los angeles california originally yes sunshine uh the weather's great it's about it smog pollution crime um certain things like that yeah i did in one point in my life i was in the military so don't do hardly a lot of traveling no more seeing different sights different people i think it's more the people and being around different types a city and the people see meeting different new people uh i traveled to uh new york one time and uh it was quite different big city different people uh that's about it eighteen uh yes i was uh no i did a lot of combat training but no combat mm disciplined more uh more motivated uh you get a lot of things done more even when you don't wanna do 'em you know you just go back to your army days and you get motivated off the stuff that that that you really needed to get done but you didn't wanna do it but it got done uh like uh you had to uh do a lot of cleaning uh you had to wake up pretty early you had to do a lot of p_t you had to uh stay up to like two three o'clock in the morning you didn't wake back up until four or five yes uh to a certain point yes after the military i joined the national guard and i did uh fifteen sixteen years in there uh i was uh excuse me ma'am i didn't hear that quite hear that uh what made me decide to do that uh just the motivation just you know really wanted a career see if i could find a career from it and it helped me out a little bit yeah thank you it wasn't that easy uh i mean i'm sorry it was easy it didn't bother me too much to go back to civilian life yeah it didn't bother me at all i just i adjusted pretty well uh history basically a lot um yeah just basically history uh no i'm not i'm uh disabled oh no it's okay it's okay we can all i can heal i can get better hopefully i will yes i try to keep a excuse me ma'am i guess i don't my dream job would probably be working with others working with young people working with kids seeing that they get the uh the right and proper uh uh education that's you know that's due to them so they can be productive in the life of society as we live in today yeah excuse me what i think about 'em i think uh they should uh be more more uh xxx i mean they should they should participate more in what they're doing in their lives they should ask more questions they should be more motivated to uh really achieve something within their lives to give them the mm to give them the confidence and the motivation they need in life 'cause a lot of 'em don't get it when i see people do really really stuff that they really shouldn't be doing uh it really eeks me i mean really bothers me and when people talk to you they give you the run-around it's like won't you just be straight with me instead of just giving me the the run-around won't you just be straight up with me that can be very frustrating uh and really when people do really i'm trying to find the right word stupid stuff that really botthers me too uh spray painting on the wall uh just throwing garbage anywhere and not picking it up uh not really being uh you know not really being hygiene you know taking care of yourself and being hygiene you know what i mean yeah what i do when i'm annoyed uh i get really upset i really start really cussing people out to be honest with you and it's something that's not really me but uh i'm learning to really let go of it a lot you know just you know just say hey that's the way it is it's like i'm not in control i can't control it yeah i have only have to control the things about what i do and really getting upset off of what other people do is not really good it's not good for me oh my temper can be controlled i can control it pretty well uh i i don't know i think it probably was my sister and she's very controlling and it's like you have your life and i have mine don't tell me what to do yeah we real close i can get along with 'em we're real close i have no problems with them yeah very good uh this morning yeah i wake up pretty you know i i first thing i do when i wake up in the morning i pray so when my spirit's in connection with the uh the universe and the world i i feel pretty good yes uh up and down you know up because i'm motivated to get out and start doing other things in life than just not doing anything at all and then other times where you wanna get something accomplished and you can't really get it done because there's road blocks in the way but uh i'm learning how to uh overcome those road blocks as well uh well for instance uh looking to go to school and i was having problems uh getting enrolled in school i was talk to one of my social workers and she was willing to help me get online and uh to do it so i'm like okay it's well it's gonna get done yeah uh can you repeat that one more time ma'am uh yes i have see i had to be uh i'd say uh for the last couple of weeks uh i noticed that i go through certain situations like you was talking about the anger situation it's like i don't get angry all the time that's not me so sometimes when i get angry i have to find out what's causing all this what's what's causing me to get angry and i have to take excuse me ma'am uh it's not hard at all 'cause alls you have to do is just take your time and reflect about everything uh that you have gone through and uh take a good look at the situation and uh and then go from there and find out what's what's really bothering you it's very seldom uh i suffer from p_t_s_d and uh getting that type of sleep would be would be great because i have recurring nightmares so of a incident so i i think it is and i don't know what it's triggered by but i think it is and that's why i'm talking to someone or seeing someone 'cause i'm a veteran at the uh v_a about the situation now about the p_t_s_d basically right now excuse me ma'am uh a lot of nightmares lot of problems lot of anger issues uh depression uh i noticed all this in me and uh i started i just started to just tell myself i needed help and that's that's basically it i just you know i just you know i just something wasn't wrong with it something wasn't right with me and when something's not right with me i have to take time out to just you know take a good look at myself and ask myself if something's right then you if something's right then that's fine if something's not right then you need to take care of it and uh i just started seeking help down there yeah somewhat yes it is somewhat 'cause i'm able to sit down and talk to the therapist well i'm able to sit down and talk to the therapist and uh tell 'em my situation and we usually will go over the problem and uh i went to classes i've been to uh uh talking one-on-one with my own doctor so it's helping out a little bit yeah it's a good thing excuse me ma'am no no not really my best friend uh they he would describe me as a fun loving good person always there that try to help others uh think more of others really than more of myself but when i know i need things need to be done for me i take care of it so you know and they really actually they really look up to me they have a lot more respect for me yeah they see something in me they wish that they had excuse me ma'am uh can you be a little bit more specific oh okay uh books crossword puzzles uh walking that's about it i thought i did but i don't think i do i don't think i regret anything because this is this is how it is this is the way it is for me so i accept it and i keep moving on because if i regret anything in the past then i'm wasting my time on that because it's gone that's the past i need to move on i need to live in the present so i can be prepared for the future so i can move on to the future yeah uh more education uh being more direct and more confidence in what i'm doing like i am today so yeah that's what i was lacking maybe twenty years ago uh yes yes i have had a lot of positive people been been in my life uh yeah some people would uh uh uh well consistently xxx i mean consistently motivate me to continue and to pursue a certain goal and uh i thought that was pretty good because i really don't see that a lot and uh he gave me a lot of motivation to try to go up and try to do certain things 'cause anything that you do it's a choice it's up to you whether or not if you do it or not that choice is still up to you for it to be done excuse me ma'am uh that i'm able to really be able to be self-motivated and really be able to put my best foot forward and be able to get a lot of things accomplished which i thought i couldn't but it can be accomplished if i'm willing enough to put the will to it to do it oh wow huh oh really and you know what i really enjoyed was sitting down with my social worker and we're talking about getting things done within my life and school was one of 'em uh and just being just school was one of 'em and i kinda liked it that because that was the first time someone was willing to really sit down with me and work with me yeah and i thought that was a great thing so as long as you're willing to do that i'm willing to go even the extra mile and even be motivated to do other things besides school and uh yeah that and that and that's what gets me going oh it is and i love it and uh this is going to be accomplished thank you goodbye,1 +345, hi yeah i'm okay i'm doing great yeah um i am from los angeles i was born in santa monica yeah um i like um i don't know there's nothing i mean i don't really like it here that much but i guess i like that there's you know still some nature it's not like new york like too city but i guess you know it's it's okay um i don't like the traffic i don't like how crowded it is the crowds make me really nervous and i don't like um all the smog pollution all that stuff no i don't i don't travel i haven't been anywhere really so um i studied um psychology when i went to s_m_c i took a psychology class so um i was psychology major i took an anthropology class and i took math but i'm not good at math no i uh i currently am not at school right now um yeah i'm just at home my dream job would be um i would like to help other people as long as it's something helping other people uh i would like to help other people with like p_t_s_d and problems and stuff uh yeah just as long as i'm you know helping other people smile and you know relating my problems with other people um i'm pretty i'm close well i'm really close with my grandma um eh my family it's just eh we're not like too too close we kinda argue a lot yeah um sorry what's an introvert okay when i'm annoyed um well i try to relax for a minute i usually just try to take deep breaths but it's hard yeah i'm not so good at it uh my temper's gotten a little worse um i am not good at all at really controlling my temper um i need some help on that um no not really i mean no i guess it's not like as bad as like most people i've never like been in a fight or anything or yeah any of that um i argued with my mom and sister yesterday it was just something stupid over like my sister is sitting was sitting in the front seat and she's a kid and it's like i'm i should be in the front seat so i just asked her to sit in the back and of course they start like yelling and arguing and it's like really annoying yeah it does thanks my grandma she's always giving me encouragement and um she's a therapist a licensed therapist so she's always you know made it really really um easy for me to have someone to talk to and i could always go to her so that helps yeah yeah my most memorable experiences well i had one really good experience um i went horseback riding and that was really really made me happy uh i love horses and nature that's the biggest thing that i love and it just made me so happy and so relaxed so that was a memorable experience um caring very caring always there to talk to um i don't judge i never judge i'm never cranky i'm never i never ever get like angry at anybody else just like my family you know but yeah just very nice caring and stuff um things that put me in a good mood like uh music nature um i like to cook a lot i like to cook you know for my family talking puts me in a really good mood i love meeting new people meeting new people puts me in the best mood uh it's not easy um it's hard um sometimes it's it's really hard um i don't usually sleep well so um yeah i have trouble falling asleep mostly um i guess it's just like my mind will be racing a lot of you know sometimes it'll be flashbacks of bad memories um just you know thinking too much um i don't know um i think just uh stress you know a lot of stress every day just everyday stress uh yeah pretty much that's what triggers it um i just try to stay positive i try to think like okay well you know one day things will get better um i just i try to call somebody and talk to them if i have trouble like my grandma yeah thanks when i don't sleep well um well i start to like cry a lot and i start to get really irritable um i get really depressed it makes me not feel well at all i get very uh it just is really really bad if i don't get sleep yeah yeah thanks yes i was diagnosed um three years ago uh i just i didn't really know what was going on then i realized okay well they just diagnosed that and um i was like okay well this is the problem and it i just wanted help because it just when your mind is after you like that's like it's just awful to have your mind taking control of you like that yeah yeah it's hard um yeah yeah i definitely always thought i had a problem i always thought something was like really wrong um i just always like kinda nervous around people like i never can really like look anybody in the eye 'cause i'm just so nervous my eyes are always kind of like racing and i um would have sweats if i was in the situation um that reminded me of the situation like i just try to avoid what reminds me and brings those flashbacks yeah oh um i i've been feeling good i've been getting out more every day i'm trying to um i guess walking keeps my mind off my p_t_s_d symptoms so i'm trying to walk more that helps thanks um yeah i have depression um yeah um it helps yeah it actually does help me a lot um i currently don't have one right now i'm actually getting a new one in a few days though like it's kind of a mix-up but yeah it really really helps me um i noticed that i've had less flashbacks and um i've been more relaxed i guess and um yeah just you know trying to keep more occupied yeah it helps um the last time i felt really happy um i guess um i don't know um today 'cause i mean i'm glad to be part of this um most proud of uh well um i'm trying to think of what i'm most proud of um i think i'm most proud of like the fact that i am able to you know not be like well i mean most people i know they like deny that they have a problem and i'm proud that i can actually like you know be a person who can realize okay i have a problem and i need help but a lot of the people i know they don't take medication they're untreated and um they just don't wanna get any help and i'm glad to get help because i don't wanna feel that way and i wanna get help for the problem instead of doing that oh gosh there's a lot i regret yeah there's a lot um i regret you know uh drug abuse you know but that's part of you know the p_t_s_d i regret um a lot uh mistakes you know relationships stuff like that wow um i would've told myself to um i guess the advice i would've given myself was to try to keep my mind more relaxed i guess yeah um well i'm a very nice person and i always like to smile people are always saying how i smile a lot but um the smile i guess it kind of hides like what's on the inside but you know i'm pretty depressed you know but i just try to keep smiling and i always like to lend a hand to help and make people feel better for fun um i like to go to the mall that's a lot fun i like to go to the mall i like to go out with my grandma we go places go shopping i love shopping and um i like to go um play like games like i like to play video games those are fun stuff like that okay thanks goodbye,1 +347, yes alright uh new york state um because of my girlfriend about a few months ago mm it's okay it's a little different but it's working uh the weather's nice uh nothing so far it's it's been pretty good it's working out nice yeah it's real well at the moment uh real good i mean uh criminal justice uh i wanted to go to xxx and it was one of the courses so i decided to pick that one no uh certified nurse's aide i don't know maybe nursing someday no not too much uh it gets expensive read usually i don't know um i usually don't get real real mad pretty good a a lot better than when i was as as a child oh i can't even remember it's it's been a very long time i guess so i don't know not really reading's about it right now while i was waiting for my appointment recently my girlfriend's been very positive uh we met through my sister-in-law mm not so close anymore no no i'm alright oh they just i i don't have anything in common with 'em so we don't talk i don't know i really don't um i'm patient i listen and i try to be reliable moved to california from new york that's that's been a a good experience it was nice it was exciting no it's fairly difficult just i i wake up very easily and sometimes it takes a long time to get tired and fall asleep not that i know of just quiet try to stay to myself 'cause i get irritable no no alright just anxious trying to find a job so not really no just just pretty pretty normal my children uh i've got four of 'em um three ten and then two eleven year olds so yeah that's that's hard just i don't know some of the things they do just yeah it it's a lot of fun watching 'em grow grow up just the way they interact with each other sometimes it's or other people it's it's really amazing to see how fast they you know develop i don't know there's there's a lot that are tied for probably most memorable no probably not yeah it's pretty easy it's it it's a lot of fun worrying about 'em you know you worry about 'em getting hurt no not so much probably go to college get you know try to find a a good a better job you know i feel happy all the time though i mean on and off so it's it's real hard to pinpoint,1 +348, yes i'm okay uh born downtown los angeles i love l_a i love the traffic on the four o five i love the beach i live near the beach i love there's so much to do here i just love and i love the weather i love it here nothing a little bit uh i guess visiting family and destinations uh i last flew to cedar rapids to visit a friend and was there for a couple weeks and i'm flying back february eleventh to see him again he's an old friend and uh no i'm pretty outgoing i talk to people i enjoy talking to people i talk to people at the airport um i garden a little bit i read a little bit i watch t_v i'm a basketball fan i go to the beach when the weather is nice go to the pool uh annoying people rude people people that drive that just have no consideration for others i swear a lot oh i'm alright i get mad once in awhile oh it was probably my daughter she's twenty one almost twenty two uh she's probably she is lives at college but comes home on the weekends and she was probably her room was probably a mess it's the same fight we've been having for years yeah yeah it does it's better now that we don't live together all the time though uh no i guess making the right decisions like start started out when she was little about education the right school to go to the right activities to do um setting a good example being a good role model oh everything my kids are the greatest joy of my life i love them so much and you just get so um enriched and fulfilled by them and when the kids are little you see things through their eyes which is exciting you wanna share everything with them i have an older son who's a financial analyst and then i have a daughter in college she's a liberal studies major she's gonna be a teacher uh business uh yes i'm an office manager um my dream job wow that's hard um i don't know i like my job it's good i like the people i enjoy it it's fun uh my son told me they're called the teacup generation because they're fragile and i think they're pains in the asses most of 'em yeah not for a while maybe a month ago mm i have a new boyfriend and things were going really great and now they're just going it's it was it was great and now it's just okay i guess the newness wore off it's hard it's hard and i don't really i'm sorry how do i know them i don't know what you mean by them mm k no no yes oh i don't know a year or so i just didn't feel well i just couldn't i just didn't feel right i couldn't pull myself out of it yeah oh just sad and just lack of energy and didn't really wasn't really motivated didn't really wasn't really my happy self therapy yes i do well not that many changes i still don't feel that great but i just it's good to talk to someone and tell them how you feel even if it's just to get something off your chest tired sad depressed blue no i'm just not happy i don't feel good and i'm not happy i stay don't just stay stay to myself don't go out with friends as much as i used to it's very hard terrible i don't sleep thank you oh crazy distracted just it's hard for me to cope with things easy you know mundane things are just difficult well being around my kids is fun uh oh we went out to my son my son and daughter-in-law and my daughter and i went out to have hawaiian food got together it's always fun to get together we got together at my house on christmas i enjoyed just getting together with them no uh take better care of my health i guess uh i don't know i don't know mm well my daughter's pretty positive and upbeat and uh my my parents they're both gone but they were pretty positive um i suppose going on a trip to canada with my daughter was very memorable uh we flew to detroit where i have my best friend lives there and then we stayed with her then we went from we drove from detroit to through canada niagara falls and we went to buffalo where she's from and we she has three girls and my daughter was i think i don't know third fourth grade something like that it was just fun for all of us to get together and do things yep exactly like her we're outgoing we're outspoken we tell it like it is we um we're high energy people we have a lot of anxiety we like to do a lot of the same things oh i don't know about three or four weeks ago well i i say that my feeling is attributed to weather i don't like cold weather and i'm not comfortable at all in it and whenever the weather changes i sorta get down well i'm funny i'm hardworking i'm uh i care about everyone i i'm a very kind compassionate person i have sympathy for for everyone and i'll reach out to someone that i see in a store or anywhere that needs my help i suppose raising my kids and the good people they've turned out to be sure bye,1 +349, yeah so so nebraska uh work i've been coming here off and on for years but officially moved here couple years ago um some good days some bad days i i guess i've gotten as used to it as i'm gonna be i don't know if that makes sense but um accessibility to to different things um as compared to nebraska um you know more opportunities to do different things and and explore different things areas of interest uh the crime um attitude um uh lack of lack of uh uh work ethic lack of uh kindness in people um cut-throat yeah i used to quite a bit uh sense of freedom the uh the adventure um okay you want me to tell you about a trip uh egypt i yeah uh i went with my mother and some family friends we went on an eight day cruise down the nile saw all the uh pyramids in giza um just it was just a incredible adventure just to get away from everything and everybody and and uh close friends and just have a great time yeah um not really at all um just uh uh have history of um abuse and and neglect and uh just not a real functional family dysfunctional is is definitely a keyword in our family so thank you um no not really i'm talked about it a lot before um so i'm okay with it um it's really hard to say i haven't had very good uh uh very positive role models um um ask me the question again well maybe at best my mother but uh she's a she's also been a negative uh aspect of my life but um uh yeah i guess i can't really identify anybody who's been a real real positive influence in my life um the the trips that i've been on um i used to work out i used to do yoga i used to um i used to meditate i used to exercise and i used to um i used to do a lot of things lately um i find it uh hard to relax i don't have the same uh the same outlets that i did before the same uh i i i don't pursue them as much anymore i guess i'm i've lost my motivation or something i'm depressed about it you know i guess there it is right there um pretty good i i is temper as far as getting to the point of uh uh physicality i don't ever that um uh but i stand my ground and um but i can control my temper i i i never lose control really um the last time uh probably um as recently as you know in the last month or so i maybe argued with um uh an acquaintance over um uh uh i don't know i i have to come back to that question no no yes um well officially october of last year but i've i think i've been depressed longer than that but officially october of last year um actually i was uh being treated for other medical issues and um my depression was notable to the doctors so yeah yeah um well i've never been suicidal but just to just to just in i i just often have thought um eh that i don't have much reason to to live i used to think i had a purpose and such but um i don't really have anybody in my life um who i think cares enough about me uh that i really if i was even dead uh so um i've kind of lost myself and um i used to that used to be enough that i was um enough to uh you know to to have purpuse in my life but um i've lost quite a bit of that motivation yeah well i'm trying to pull it together i'm trying to um get back a sense of me i get inspired every once in awhile but um overall i just don't seem to be making much progress yeah i wouldn't really call it therapy i don't have a therapist per se i have a a nurse practitioner who prescribes medication for me and nobody really to talk about psychosocial issues um i uh huh did you say that sucks eh okay and uh yeah um overwhelmed preoccupied um just uh trying to stay alive stay on top of things no uh easy when i can i don't um yeah when i if i get a chance to fall asleep i don't have any problem with it um even more distracted and uh um um even more uh lackluster i guess is the word whatever uh if i had a best friend um i don't know um he maybe lot of positive adjectives before but now just you know just uh some people say i should be proud 'cause i'm surviving a hard time or some people think that uh i'm a a loser so um i don't know maybe um a survivor uh persistent um um well i used to be proud of my career and um kinda giving back to people giving back to society um 'cause i was given a lot it felt like um so i'm just proud to uh i don't have much of a sense of pride anymore to be quite honest i i've um it uh i don't know psychology and um well initially yeah um no not really per se although my current career involves a lot of uh psychology a lot of um uh the aspects i don't know what i'm trying to say um it's a part

    it's a part of it but it's not the center of it um well i guess if my career is still going i'm in uh nursing but um i've been sick lately and with depression and other healthcare problems i uh have uh found it necessary to apply for disability social security income and i'm starting the process of that 'cause i'm not working very educating people um making a difference i mean i used to i had i've had my dream jobs i've had my dream jobs i don't uh i don't know what the future will hold for for uh work but um something i suppose working with people again health uh helping in some way um no but lately with the depression more so at times i used to say that i never regretted anything 'cause i would make the best decision of all things in front of me but um i just wish there were times then that um the choices that i would have were were better 'cause some choices that i seem to have made or were made for me have um made my world kind of shitty for lack of a better word shitty what i don't understand to be strong to um believe in myself to remember that i've survived a lot of things and i will survive this too to get up off my ass and move to um to have confidence faith um i just murphy's law has kicked my ass so much you know i just uh it it seems like when i've tried to make my world better i just keep getting knocked down um so it it's almost like i'm i don't wanna give up but um every time i try and move forward i get knocked back and it gets gets exhausting and i don't have any support system really nobody not really um loyal um hardworking um dependable um uh capable um well at least i used to be uh intelligent comtemplative um eh uh deep not a superficial person um yeah i guess those are some of them many years ago um i used to have a lot of confidence i used to be pretty dynamic person i used to be people would say used to say that i was the most centered person that they knew and i used to help people and i'm now in their shoes and i don't seem to be able to help myself i can't think of anything right now i can't think of really anything right now i don't do much anything for fun anymore i used to however um go to movies and and entertainment venues and travel go to dinner with friends do things um but lately i don't i don't really have any pursuits a good day a happy day a fun day for me is a day without something going wrong basically mhm yeah bye,0 +350, yes i'm doing fine thank you originally i'm from well i was born in mississippi so i'm from gulfport mississippi yes i didn't have a choice i was a child i moved here with my parents uh when i was two years old yes i was i was a toddler yes i like to travel and i travel a lot um being around new environments and new people uh different things um well one of my favorite trips was visiting africa in i think two thousand six i visited uh west africa and that was a great trip for me it was a medical mission where we volunteered and gave medical assistance to people a friend of mine uh was actually involved and she talked to me about getting involved so i went in with her and it went from there so i don't know i made the decision that way i am i am happy i did that it's something i'll never forget i studied english and education so that i could teach high school students uh not currently no well right now i um tutor privately for a private tutoring company and looking to get back into the classroom working as a teacher mhm wow anything that uh combines teaching traveling and writing would be a dream job for me so yeah anything that combines those three items so teaching has the closest outcome to that um occasionally yes um i don't know i guess in comparison to others that are considered outgoing um and and a lot of people have said i seem reserved or kinda introverted i don't know mm well i don't know i read um i just started meditation mm try to breathe and calm down yeah some things that make me really mad um mistreatment of children abuse of children um try to figure out what's annoying me usually and then go from there uh if i can control not being annoyed like ultimately i control that whether or not i'm annoyed so try to figure out what the problem is and then go from there and not be annoyed if i can help it all oh i'm fine i can totally in at controlling my temper i think so i don't have a yeah the last time i argued with someone was um i don't know maybe a couple of days ago and it was about um it was about um a smell they had on their clothes but i thought smelled like perfume and they said it did not so yeah this is cool uh i think i'm very close to my family we're a pretty close knit family talk every day um see each other almost every day there've been a lot of positive um influences in my life i would say my aunt and uh definitely my mother have all been positive influences well um i look i look i uh look up to my aunt um i think she's positive i look up to her because obviously we grew up with very similar backgrounds came from very similar neighborhoods and areas and she's very successful um despite the types of things that we've gone through as children and um she doesn't let her past define her future uh my mom's overcome so many obstacles as well um she had some challenges with her health but she still tries to be optimistic and she's still tries to you know overcome these things and just still live our life despite some physical barriers that she might have so i look up to people who are able to you know not allow their current situation to dictate their future because anything is possible no i have not no i have um well i was diagnosed um within the last um year and uh then again most recently within the last three months well um fear and just not knowing what to do with uh some of the things i was feeling and not knowing um you know why i couldn't stop feeling the way i was feeling there were a lot of symptoms um um you know mostly i uh i gained a lot of weight um i couldn't sleep a lot and then sometimes i could sleep too much um felt sad sometimes like i wanted to cry a lot i've been feeling okay um there are days yeah um i don't know every day is different so i mean today i feel fine but like i said everything is differently lately i've been feeling um more like i can be involved involved in my own life and like i wanna get out and do more things um no no it's no no i haven't not any different from before what i was experiencing before no mm well mm i was receiving um uh i guess psychotherapy and um i don't know a lot of things happened i moved for a while to go take care of my grandmother and i just kinda got more involved in taking care of other people instead of myself for a while uh sometimes i do yes it is it's kinda difficult um i either have a hard time falling asleep or a hard time staying asleep i'm sure it is i just don't know what it is as of yet because i you know usually it's um thoughts continual thoughts running through my mind that either keep me up or make it hard for me to uh go asleep or make it hard for me to stay asleep mhm um journal sometimes uh that might help if i can write some things down and get it out that helps other than that i don't you know i haven't found any really great ways of coping it tired yeah mostly uh tired um kinda confused i don't know for the most part i feel happy it's just um last time i felt really happy was i guess over the holidays uh i don't know i guess the just being around uh family and friends just the holiday season i guess in general that's just a happy time for me and seeing people i haven't seen in a while um that's about it how would my best friend describe me probably as um quiet sometimes cautious talkative sometimes um tenacious um i don't know a lot of my friends say that they look up to me for uh some of my accomplishments and they also say that they are grateful to have me as a friend because i'm caring and compassionate or um easy to talk to um that i remind them of a of feel like a sister to them um everyone has regrets i'm sure yeah i regret stuff to just relax and be yourself and just go ahead and it sounds cliche and i don't mean to sound that way but it's true it's just um you have to learn how to be comfortable with you and relax and just know you um to not compare yourself to other people because what someone else is doing or where they may be in their life at a certain time is not necessarily where you are supposed to be or what you're supposed to be doing at that time it doesn't mean that you're less competent or less able to do it it just means that everyone has their path and everyone has their their time and their progression to how they get to things so i would tell me ten years ago to just believe in me and stay on my own path for what it is that i want for my life and don't be yeah um really enjoyed working with um well okay a science project with um my younger uh relatives my cousins we did a science project together and it was fun despite the mess we made it was a ball um being the first to attend college in my family and then um going to college and coming back to the community where i uh went to school and then teaching in that community and volunteering in that community and helping um youth or children that come from the same background that i came from so uh i'm most proud of being able to have the opportunity to improve and better myself and then to come back and help someone else improve and better themself as well goodbye,1 +351, yes okay um new york um to pursue um music industry a job in the music industry uh yes i'm self-employed um to become a music producer um it's pretty hard there's a lot of competition um to pursue a job uh when um about a year ago last february it was pretty difficult east coast is a lot different than the west coast um i think i've been there twice in the past year no i'm more of a creature of habit um yes uh sometimes i feel like i don't fit into the crowd so um it's better just sometimes to be more quiet and view everything instead of uh you know going in and actively pursue things um probably uh listen to music um and spend time with my dogs um probably um people being insensitive um not very um very nice to me or um seeing injustices or um i think that's about it um pretty good you know sometimes um probably couple of days ago um one of my friends was saying that um mm uh they were making a comment about how i am and i got kind of upset about that yeah it does pretty close um my best friend so i um oh just one of my friends um i kind of am quiet about it and when a person pushes me to a certain point that's when i overreact usually um it's pretty hard um i rather the person notice that i'm kinda getting withdrawn and actively engage in me instead of getting it to the point where it's like um it it comes to a point where it blows out of proportion um um probably spending time with my family in new york very close um my sister and my brother um i don't know they're just great people and i love them a lot and they're a lot like me so i feel like i have people that understand me um probably um i guess loyal um sensitive um i don't know it's kind of hard it's a hard question no no yes gosh um i think probably nineteen ninety seven so a long time ago um i'm just uh during that time i was just going through a lot of issues and i was feeling unsafe to myself so i ended up going um to the doctor to kinda get meds and have therapy and stuff um not currently i i did about like six months ago um i just felt the therapist wasn't really helping me um i felt we kept on talking about the same things over and over and xxx she wasn't really challenging me and i've been in therapy for a really long time so i just knew it was a change it's okay um yes i do actually um when i feel connected to a therapist um and when i feel like it's a really great way for me to talk about what i'm going through um so yes i do um i'm better at describing my emotions and feelings i think the biggest thing is um when i'm in situations eh i can see myself reacting one way and i take a step back and see how i can react normally almost in a way um also i tend to take a lot of my emotions and feelings and kind of bury them and make them feel like really bad about myself so it's nice to talk to someone that's not judging that doesn't really tell me like you know um they tell me it's o okay basically um feeling hopeless all the time not having you know enough energy to do things i used to like i had a little bit of concentration issues um having weird disturbing thoughts sometimes just pop into my mind and just overall just feeling kinda crummy about life um sometimes they are at like random moments that if there's like a problem with like my interpersonal life or something like that or if i sometimes even seeing something on television um like sometimes that affects me um listening to music or trying to distract myself um trying like my therapist told me for the longest time to journal to record things um it's been a tough transition to come here so uh well being being here um so um kinda half and half okay and not okay um i feel like i've been a little bit with more withdrawn lately um but that's about it um some days it's great some days it's not um more recently it's been a little bit more difficult um i don't know why i have like a lot of thoughts on my mind at night so i tend not to sleep very well and i wake up quite frequently during the night um very groggy in the morning and um that's about it like during the day i tend to yawn a lot and my friends always are like oh why are you yawning so much are you disinterested in what we're doing and then trying to tell them it's not that at all um probably christmas time when i was with my family um just really happy and um feeling like everything was alright in my life having a good sense of like where i was at that moment being present with myself um probably you know um let's see that's a hard question i think probably i can tend to read people kinda well sometimes and um uh i like to say uh i'm good at like being a good friend to people being a good family member um i'm a hard worker when i do have a job so um um sure i mean it's life so of course there's regrets um one that comes to mind is um the wish that i don't eat as much so i can be a lot more healthy um don't take things so seriously um enjoy being youthful and um i think that's it um i don't know that's a good question probably um my previous job and my employment i worked really well with kids um so i did a great job at that i was um a researcher um at a hospital and i helped a lot of kids out for about six years so seven years yeah it was awesome um i was really kind of like um reading people and so i decided to major in psychology so uh and then i went a worked in a um mental health facility and did research um with them with um with drugs and depression and things like that so it found like a good niche for me okay no problem goodbye ,1 +352, yes i'm doing pretty good i'm from oklahoma mhm yup oklahoma city uh the weather is great i love being near the ocean and the palm trees and uh mountains i just love it here um it was pretty easy there's a few differences it's a huge city compared to where i'm from so traffic has definitely been an adjustment for me um i just always wanted to live in california uh hated being landlocked in oklahoma just wanted to get out to the west coast be near the ocean i studied psychology and minored in art um no not at the moment um well actually i think i misunderstood your question i'm not still working on my degree but i am working in the field of psychology i well i just got hired working at a group home for teenage boys who have been in trouble with the law my dream job oh i don't really know i think i just wanna help people however i can and um i just like working with people in the realm of psychology so i think i may already have my dream job to relax i like to read or watch movies um i like to go to the beach and just watch the sunset or um hang out with friends things that make me really mad um probably injustice towards other people um people being mistreated or abused um and people being lied to and deceived including myself i hate being lied to when i'm annoyed uh depends on the situation but i try to just like count to ten and take a deep breath and and not let my emotions cause me to react in a negative way so i just try and like calm down before i say anything um it depends again on the situation and like who i'm angry with um most of the time i'm pretty good at controlling it but sometimes i think like like most people i'll lash out at the people that i'm closest to at times and and those moments i'm not that good at controlling it when was the last time i argued with someone it was probably with my parents um i've been having some some car trouble lately and i'm also running low on money so i'm sure i don't even remember exactly but i'm sure we kind of probably fought about the fact that i you know need to be more self-sufficient and independent take care of my own things like car issues i am very close with my family they're still in oklahoma but i talk to them on the phone all the time oh definitely i mean my mom i think um she's probably the person that i'm closest to and she just she's a great role model she's a wonderful person and she's very hardworking and very unselfish and i just wanna be like her in those ways oh probably the time i went bungee jumping over the nile river in uganda um i still kinda have flashbacks of that moment just freefalling it was like the coolest experience ever and i love doing things that are crazy like that so it was a fun time yeah well i have i have traveled a lot nowadays i don't travel so much anymore but i used to work for a cruise line um norwegian cruise line and so i would go travel all the time with them and then i also did an eleven month long trip around the world uh it was a mission trip so i just went and helped out in different third world countries it was really cool uh i just love going to different places seeing new places and meeting all different types of people um because it's easy to just like get so absorbed in your own small bubble that you forget that there's a huge world out there and there's all different types of people with all different types of beliefs and it's just really cool to be able to branch out and see and meet those types of people and see just the diversity and the terrain of the earth even and the way that the earth looks in different places is cool no i have not served in the military nope no i've never been formally diagnosed although i would say i've probably diagnosed myself with depression um just after having studied it a lot in psychology throughout the years i've i'm probably ninety nine percent sure that i've struggled with depression off and on so yeah lately it's been pretty easy but throughout the years i've definitely had a lot of issues with insomnia um just like either not being able to fall asleep or just like waking up constantly throughout the night and so right now i'm not really experiencing too much of that but in the past it's definitely been an ongoing issue for me i'm not a pleasant person when i don't sleep well sleep is extremely like important for me i think maybe more so than a lot of people i i like need good sleep to function i've been feeling really good um over the past several months i was unemployed um after coming out here and that was really really tough um and i just recently got offered my job um just like last week so i definitely think i've been going through a lot of crap and just a lot of depression but it's like lifted a lot of it has been lifted off me because i don't have that pressure any longer of like how am i gonna make ends meet this city's really expensive and i don't have a job and so i feel i feel much more relieved than i have been feeling which is good um yeah well i mean just like i said over the past week or so i've become a lot more positive i was kind of like feeling a bit like a hermit in a way it's just hard like being in a new city and not really knowing too many people and of course like i said not having a job kind of causes you to kind of just like be in your own shell i guess and that was kinda how it was how it's been for me and um just since i got offered the job i just have so much more confidence and like positivity that um things are are starting to work out for me which is good oh it was probably a couple of days ago actually i went um i went to explore a part of the south bay area that i hadn't really been to before and it was i was just gonna go for a jog along the beach and it was really foggy outside and then the fog started to lift and um it was just beautiful and then i i went for a drive up off kind of off this like cliff where there's beautiful scenery that i'd never seen before and i just like was overwhelmed with how pretty it was and i was just like oh i can't believe that i get to live here so that was definitely a happy moment for me my best friend would probably say that i'm very daring and bold and fearless um that i'm unique and artistic and i don't i would guess that she'd probably say that i'm a non-conformist i don't really think the way that a lot of people do and i question everything so which can be a good or bad thing but yeah um probably just like the fact that i i really try to live my life with like no regrets and just i try to live a very exciting life in a way and i think that especially ever since i finished college and have been traveling like i have and i've tried moving all different places by myself so i think just the fact that i i'm not really afraid i don't let things hold me back i just if i want something or if i wanna do something i can just do it and i guess in a way like i like that about myself and the fact that i'm really independent and can just go and do whatever i feel like doing even if it's hard i still i'm proud that i've overcome a lot of those struggles oh there's like minor things that i regret throughout my life but there's not anything really major 'cause i think pretty much everything that i've done i've learned from whether it's good or bad so i wouldn't really change anything oh i would say i would tell myself when i was a kid that i should just keep dreaming big and don't let anything that anyone says like stop me from believing that anything's possible because um i guess as i've grown into an adult i've really seen and started to really believe that truly anything is possible and if you really want something you can go after it and you can get it so i would just tell myself to never give up and just always believe that you can do what you wanna do oh let's see that's kind of hard um oh i guess i went home recently for christmas back to oklahoma and um i got to see some of my friends from college that i hadn't seen in some of 'em i hadn't seen in like since i graduated so um which has been like four years ago so um it was really awesome just to go out with them and we went to dinner and we went out afterwards and just had a good night and it was really really fun cool you're welcome bye,1 +353, yes i'm okay um pennsylvania mhm um well i was in boston for a couple years and then i moved here about three and a half years ago but um i just wasn't satisfied with the quality of my life um maybe once or twice last year i only got to back once a year um definitely safer and um definitely a more um well i just miss it 'cause i have a lot of family back there but l_a is okay i i mean everyone loves the climate here um not too easy i have two really good friends here and i have a boyfriend i've been with for three years so that helps he's from here but um it definitely took a a bit of adjustment no um advertising communications um no i'm currently working in actually i'm not working right now at the moment um i wanna be an osteopathic physician um so basically versus western medicine an osteopathic physician is someone who helps someone with the symptoms and doesn't just treat the symptoms but treats them as a whole person so they look at nutrition they look at diet exercise um just a variety of things to to actually get someone to live a healthier life versus medications or things that are commonly prescribed now in the western medicine um well one of the great things was when i came out here to l_a i was um exposed to the degree which i had never heard of living on the east coast um sometimes um well i'm very particular about the people i like to surround myself with um and eh i don't like to socialize with a lot of people i mean i tend to um like small intimate groups and i don't tend to like to be in larger or bigger groups um eh when people don't take into account other people's feelings um i usually try to go for a walk if i get very irritated um i'm usually really good it really takes a lot for me to spill over and to yell or become upset um let's see uh mm i was at with my lawyer and it was about his handling of my case yeah it was he's uh they're i don't know i think they're just a little bit mediocre they're not the best lawyers i have no idea um i'm very trustworthy i'm loyal um i care very deeply so i i like to try to help other people um and i always like to try to cheer people up so i think that's that would be some of 'em no yes um just a few months ago about in the last six months um i was experiencing mental issues that i'd never really came across before paranoia and anxiety and i knew that it wasn't um i knew that i it wasn't that i couldn't overcome it by myself um a lot better i've been doing a lot of yoga and meditation um kinda seeing things from a different per view or another not per per view but a different view and um that's helped but there's definitely times where i kind of sink back into thinking about the event especially because the event caused me to stop working um i think i you know i have a difficulty being in public um i'm still dealing with anxiety and paranoia about that and that something may happen so um so a lot of times during the day is when it happened so i'm not that comfortable going out during the day i tend to go out in the mornings and evenings and um i don't like to go into places where there's only one way in and one way out um well i've been gradually trying to increase how much i'm outside um and i usually just deep breathing um i do a lot of breathing exercises and i just try to say that basically what i'm thinking or what's going on with me is not real um and that i just i try i just try to get myself to go into these places more gradually a lot better since uh the last couple months but before i very much pretty much stayed home um it's been good um it's been good to hear someone's feedback but um i feel like i've gotten more help with just my inner talk with just kind of sitting with myself and journaling i do um well i feel like more like myself which is a huge improvement um and i am more cautious and er guarded in some ways about my thoughts um and about my decisions as well i'm not so i'm not so oh you know i'll just do this and not really think of the consequences of other things that i want in my life um it's gotten better i'm okay i'm better now um the first three months it was very difficult i couldn't sleep through the night and i woke maybe two or three times and would be awake for a couple hours but now i am um sleeping through the night again um i feel groggy k i feel foggy and out of it um and just low kind of depressed mm it's um i think it's been awhile um working i'm a bit of a workaholic um spending time with my family um yeah just being outside enjoying nature reading um very close what is that um scrubbed_entry um well my parents 'cause they've always been very supporting and loving um giving me feedback about my decisions or what i'm choosing to do but allowing me to make my own um decisions my own choices in life and then my sisters have just always been very um you know just always checking with me i'm the baby i'm the youngest in the family so they always um looking out for me and just checking in with me and then my boyfriend xxx with this um incident that happened um he's been very uh usually supportive with just letting me kind of have my talk and work things out and understanding when i'm feeling and not wanting to go out in public and and being aware of that that it's not so easy for me just to do something like grocery shop or um running errands without having a lot of anxiety um i'm most proud of the jobs the work that i've done the people i've helped um maybe that i took this job where i was assaulted at that would be it going into retail into unsafe environment not listening to my gut um what advice would i what uh to recklessly pursue your dreams um that there is no such thing as too late or running out of time and and to enjoy every moment of your life not take anything for granted um let's see uh well cooking i really enjoy i really enjoy cooking um so i made some roasted vegetables just any time i'm cooking i just really enjoy it um we have a garden so we had collard greens that came up and um some chilis and cauliflower so just using preparing that for um for my um boyfriend and i mhm bye thanks,1 +354, yes i'm alright with this doing pretty good little bit tired i'm from los angeles the weather and the sports can't find any jobs right now i know um not really i studied um architecture and chicano studies and a little bit of history uh since i was little

  • since i was little i liked to draw and then i like to learn about history i'm trying to i'm going i'm working and going to school i'm trying to get my finish gettin' my degree playing in the n_f_l what was that um i don't know what that is eat or sleep people not doing they jobs walk away um pretty good like three days ago a couple days ago over some family issues um sure well um like to workout play football and ride my bike um walking on that u_c_l_a i felt big like i actually was doing something with myself my parents like they struggle they whenever they struggle they still manage to put through whatever they want and i'm pretty close real close uh quiet um my height and strength mm no no no it's pretty hard uh i i get home late and i'm usually up for like fifteen to like eighteen hours during the day so by the time i get home i'm really not even that tired to go to sleep yeah uh if i don't sleep well i get i wake up grumpy or like not in the mood to do things mm just like under pressure a little bit not that hard i just stress pretty much sometimes just working i really don't like working but i have to so um a little bit like it's not i'm not like a little bit more violent but just a side just a side effect from not playing football for a while music eating or and working out um i don't know raising my son and while i was still in school in high school no patience watching your son grow uh i have a five and a half year old boy i don't only see him on the weekend pretty close spoiled they're they're so advanced with everything that it makes the like their grandparents feel like dinosaurs while they already they just born and they already know how to use everything around their house can't treat 'em like kids anymore mm so you pretty much treat 'em like adults sometimes it works some it doesn't do it doesn't really work no should have just stayed on one path follow my dreams probably like or just follow what i wanted to do and that's about it a couple months ago um i was i was playing football i was playing for a junior college and we made it to the championship bowl that was probably the happiest i've been in awhile good thank you bye,1 +355, yes alright i was born in uh los angeles california uh well the weather and uh the fact that uh people aren't so obtrusive like on the east coast uh just the uh the traffic and the the smoggy weather i used to i'm unemployed now so i rarely go anywhere i have a b_s in uh business with a uh computer uh option i thought that the only place i could get a job with a business business degree was in accounting or in business computer methods so i took that i took business computer methods option oh i'd probably be like uh a professional sports player or an actor something something that you enjoy doing i like to uh ride my bike i like to watch sporting events now i can't afford to go to them so i pretty much watch on t_v i like to travel but like i say that i don't have money for that anymore that's alright uh people who are chicken heads they get their nose in other people's business even if they're just strangers you expect that from a family member or or a friend but you know especially with the internet that feeds a lot of that now we know what orwell was referring to when he spoke of big brother in nineteen eighty four uh i don't do much much different than i would otherwise uh and i've had many temper outbursts uh i kinda argue with my aunt and it was because she was basically making leading statements trying to trap me into saying something about a relative and uh it annoyed me greatly uh i'm kind of on the outs with my parents i'm kind of the black sheep oh uh i mean my mom's done the most to help me she's done a lot you know more than uh anybody by far well i mean she's just i remember one time when i was in like thirteen i went with a friend of mine to see the crosby stills nash and young concert at the forum and she has seven kids and she picked me up at the sizzlers right across the street from the forum at uh eleven o'clock at night and i couldn't imagine with all she had to do that day that she agreed to do that but she did oh probably uh going down to the cape at the end of uh baja peninsula there's cabo san lucas or taking photographing the bridalveil falls in yosemite uh it was probably the two most majestic seen sights i've ever seen it was when i could afford to travel no no i was diagnosed with depression after a hospital visit in april of two thousand eleven and uh i took some lexapro but i stopped after one day i didn't wanna do it anymore no because i didn't feel it was helpful i feel i was becoming a zombie yeah depressed about not having a job for over two years i lost my job in october two thousand and ten and except for day you know jobs like this which i'm fortunate to get just you know daily things focus groups like that i haven't worked thank you especially when you're fifty six years old well mm eh just uh it just the i guess the general feeling of hopelessness i get out on my bicycle a lot and walk or bike just four hours a day split about two hours each yeah good to get some very easy 'cause now i'm old when i was young i couldn't sleep more than six four six hours a night because i'm restless no but now that i'm old i i i sleep much more easily i pray before i go to sleep and that's that's that's when i can't have any trouble sleeping i just pray recite different prayers like the lord's prayer hail mary stuff like that and i'm able to fall off to sleep i don't know probably uh can't have any specific remembrances of of that you know it was when i had money to spend i know that and when i had to have a job to have money to spend so it was probably fifteen years ago well i haven't really enjoyed anything uh last week i did a uh made seventy five dollars on a job with the the county basically it was an emergency preparedness exercise they were running for their personnel and they enlisted people to play the basically the relatives of people who had been in a in a fall uh bombing at the staples center and we you know asked questions signed up you know told 'em gave 'em the information i'm missing you know relatives and basically it was provided by the county and basically went through a routine in downtown l_a not not hard it was just uh just a routine we had to follow we had to act like we were actually missing somebody and had to give the specifics of their characteristics height weight etcetera i don't have a best friend uh i'm uh very bright i'm a perfectionist at my job i'd say that's about it i got a business degree and i've never been a motivated person i went to school i went to two state colleges and two junior colleges to meet that end so i believe that was probably the most significant contribution contribution that i i made to my you know to my uh i guess self esteem you might say so i had something to hang on the wall yeah i regret you know alienating family members i would've uh basically not been so impetuous and left left jobs thinking thinking that you know i could always get another one and not you know basically blow off jobs i could probably work at one of the employers that i used to work for now they've added locations but i burned bridges there so that's not possible thank you hasta luego,1 +356, yes okay from here from eh from alhambra uh the weather's really nice and everything's very familiar uh sometimes there's too much congestion on the roads too too much traffic i i studied art and photography uh it it wasn't so much a decision i just kept noticing that i was very interested in it yes i'm a photographer mhm oh i suppose uh um running a family portrait studio or some other type of photography business uh no not no i'm an also an apartment manager it keeps me tied down um it's uh fair it's not the greatest because of being an apartment manager i've i do have free rent but i have to stay there a lot so that part does the free rent part is very good oh gosh my most memorable experience that's hard to say um well i mean there's good and bad memorable experiences oh well i guess some s s s like sport success when i was in high school there was a few of the things that i was happy about and some art pieces i've made were memorable and some bad things would be my father's death you know but those are very memorable not good though uh well my parents and my i i have a lot of brothers and sisters uh so so the my family uh fairly close but they most of them live around l_a uh there's a few that are from far distant uh distant my brother lives in new york and my other brother lives in maui mhm oh mostly very talented um just um more involved in technology than maybe i was or am and they're um i think they're more of a hive mind than when i grew up just seems like they were all hooked into social media uh go on a walk or watch television or play with my computer and uh um well there's some some uh there's some kind of uh injustices that happen in not not not big deals but for example our parking situation got worse with some new district parking eh that's kind of upsetting and the city doesn't seem to wanna uh make any exceptions or change some rules and also uh some unfair things at work sometimes happen that are upsetting uh that are upsetting uh yeah i worked for in school uh uh at a high school i worked at a high school dance uh this last weekend and when we arrived at the site the people at the site said we couldn't set up all of our equipment and backdrops and things at the location where we were assigned to do it that we had to go outside and then to get an okay to go inside because being outside we weren't prepared for nor nor told in advance that we were to be outside um it delayed our setup time and that doesn't wouldn't have bothered me except that on monday morning um the school called called our boss and complained that we were late setting up when it when they told us to wait for them and we told them we would be delayed if we wait and did we still get a complaint so that that part is upsetting and and our work doesn't back us up the at the office they just need to please the school to maintain the account so uh often when that something like that happens it means they will not send you out to work at that school again which to would translate into less payroll hours for the the photographers that were on that job that's yeah that's how they do things so that that is upsetting uh most of the time that will i i dust off my resume and start looking for other situations that are that might be better um yeah uh pretty good i i i usually xxx might uh i in the moment i don't really lose it but xxx later i might um vent or something like that but on the spot on the location i wouldn't do that um well just today um we have a uh schedule tight schedule today and i have a friend that i'm car sharing a car with today and uh we we were arguing where to go first and um so we compromised and did most of her things and one of my things then after this this was one of the things is over then we're gonna do some more of her things so but it yeah no post-traumatic stress syndrome is that what that is uh no i have not yes oh i'd say nineteen eighty yeah i think believe it was nineteen eighty yeah um well my father noticed some symptoms my father is just well he's passed away but he was a psychiatrist um well i wasn't sleeping i was laying around the house um i was waking up at noon something like and i didn't have a um focus like for getting a job it wasn't clear enough uh i i remember some job interviews that i'd go to their front door and then i wouldn't go in and i think that was all all part of depression yeah i thought i had a problem but i didn't know what it was no uh well eh i went for three years and then the psychiatrist said that he thought that i was done but uh and i and i i did get to a much better place i have to watch all the time to see what's going on with depression so i think i i'll have good days and bad days um i think therapy makes you see what the um like the i i thought of it as a filter or wearing a pair as if you were put on a depression pair of sunglasses you don't really you see everything through that so you have to kinda i have to sort of try to take the those glasses off for a little bit and double check am i really perceiving these things accurately or am i seeing it through a depressed viewpoint and i try to look for clues about that i think i'm um slipping back a little bit uh uh i don't do well during unemployed periods i've noticed in my path in my past and um right now we have a work slow down so it's easy to slip back into sleeping too late or putting things off because the schedule's too wide open for for me for me personally as a depressed person i think that structure is really important it um it gets you out of bed and you have to get somewhere in time and deal interact with people is all those are all beneficial things for someone who's tends to be depressed uh well i don't know if it's changes as i a little bit i just tend to be focused on some things that are probably not that um uplifting let's say uh but it's more negative like i have have been sort of thinking about how um um soldiers in the past uh i don't know why but like the in during the roman era era or the greeks ancient greeks how it would've been like to be in a in a frontline battle with mm you know just crude kind of crude in my opinion crude weapons and no medical help and the i don't know i seem my mind seems to go there a lot where i'm just thinking about that and i've been looking looking at it and reading books about that or um video clips on youtube and eh things like that or um some other things other uh kinda like terrible doom type themes like i was watching on the animal show like crocodile attacks and things like that where probably shouldn't dwell so much on that oh you mean in life in general yeah well i think i regret not finishing college i think i had a i think i was uh was going into depression right then and wasn't coping in my senior year very well and um didn't really i didn't get out of college with a degree although i was there seven years but uh so that's very that's a big regret that i have um i think it would've been to um at certain points i probably should've sought um sought therapy and also probably some uh outside help just with um getting through finals just the logistics i had i was an art major and i had no car so a a lot of the art projects and things were difficult to move back and forth and and also to uh meet at away locations i think it probably would've been worth it to do whatever it took to get a car at that time so um well i'm i've been told i'm very patient and also i have um some original original artistic ideas so um those are those are good qualities i'm very loyal and and also um you know i support my friends i'm fairly generous with them so yeah um let's see xxx really enjoyed was i had a i had a nice experience uh just uh photographing um a soccer game recently i really enjoyed that so mhm okay it was my pleasure thank you goodbye,1 +357, hi sure i'm fine tired i had to bike it here so my back is sweaty i'm from l_a um the places there is to go there's always things to do here um drivers i'm trying to do audio engineering working with music yeah i'll be graduating in about two more years uh working in a recording studio probably doing soundtracks for music or i have no idea i have no idea what that is no i'm always either in l_a or just at home ride my bike make music sit at home watch movies drivers people who gangsters i don't know go out ride my bike take a walk pretty good i don't get angry very often uh let's see hmm my girlfriend she didn't wanna go to my friend's house and what happened what happened yeah that was it um same thing make music ride my bike um hang out with friends just normal kid stuff um my don't live my mom right now but i do live with my dad so we're pretty close i'm okay with that uh let's see i don't really know a bunch of people i guess i can't really pick one right now nope i don't want to nope no um i mean i usually just stay up pretty late so i usually my fault that i don't go to sleep early and then i wake up really late in the afternoon so kind of hard um the same just a little drowsy tend to go to sleep earlier um nothing i'm still active i don't really change um fine happy normal just mm same my birthday that was two days ago two three days ago um i got some i got a gift from my girlfriend it was pretty cool um cool funny energetic smart um active the music that i make mm a couple things i can't name 'em right now probably things i did in high school um let's see what would i say to myself um uh don't get arrested stay in school um i wouldn't even know just i don't know skip um what did i do watched movies with my dad about yeah yesterday stayed home watched movies made some food hung out this thing is cool bye ,1 +358, yes fine tampa florida uh at that point i wanted to get into the entertainment industry um nineteen ninety it took a long time to get used to it it wasn't easy well the weather and that if you have a hobby you could always find a large group of people that are interested in the same hobby as you have oh some of the people in the business world you know it's pretty transient they come and go and it's kinda difficult as far as if you you know trusting people in the business world has been difficult not much at all um it's quite different uh the weather's different the people are different it's very different no um god it was so long ago uh school just uh general stuff business uh acting that kinda thing well i'm working on becoming a professional poker player and i um left the stockbrokage industry successfully to do financial trading stock options futures that kinda stuff sometimes yes people my family just people you know making fun of me or just instigators just being around negative hostile people i vent ruminate over the same situation over and over again pretty darn good uh don't can't remember argued with someone um i can't really remember that's a good sign i don't argue much these days um maybe online um not really i don't know well it's a good good good change of i don't know what did i argue with somebody about maybe it's been a long time um i can't really remember huh oh i'd say tony robbins anthony robbins um listen to music surf the internet study poker research on stocks watch youtube clips um more towards my sisters not my parents i'm not close at all with my parents we've been estranged no um not not officially but um some people say i do have the symptoms of it when i've been talking about depression yes um i was diagnosed in the early nineteen nineties with like dysthymia which is like a mild form of depression i think or a long term lasting mild depression a friend um had thought he had a learning disability um called attention deficit disorder at that time it was a_d_h_d so i when i looked at the literature it seemed similar to the symptoms that i had so then i went to go through the same battery of tests that he did at u_c_l_a no it was more of a financial thing yes um irritable moody tired yes not easy airheaded spacey um slow how do i do what cope with what how do i okay oh mm can't remember played poker online um yes wow that's a good question um ten or twenty years ago would've said to stay away from losers avoid negative people don't try to change 'em don't try to give 'em advice don't try to help 'em out don't try to show 'em the right way just a waste of your energy my energy don't do business with unethical people new york city wise guys new york city type wise guys uh you know chronic liars b_sers and uh would've said kept my room in better order dated more women date more women clean my room do a better job of you know enjoying my nice apartment and my single bachelorhood and probably surviving my difficult childhood with my dysfunctional family staying out of trouble staying away from drugs illegal drugs um making a name for myself as a good stock trader good stock picker and sort of my wisdom i've been able to pass on about eastern philosophy honest trustworthy honesty mm perserverance knowledgeable being able to help people give them advice about different things pretty i've got a good amount of wisdom without having p_h_ds or degrees you know excuse me bye,1 +359, yes i uh didn't get much sleep last night and xxx and it's cold and i'm i'm just gonna get through the day didn't have haven't even haven't showered in two days that's i need to just change my clothes and get a haircut and get myself together get awake get more awake huh k i know new jersey mhm this was thirty years ago uh my cousin went out here and said i i might as well go nothing happening here in jersey city yeah i'll come out that was in nineteen very easy very easy just like you know you can find it you find your your nine to five job to pay the rent and xxx lot of lot of things to do here probably the the the film industry and uh the celebrities and the glamour and excitement yeah it's i i fit in real good hmm hmm that's a wow what uh oh eh well just like the probably the the homeless problem but you gotta see uh the derelicts and they eat out of the garbage and you know we're the homeless capital of america eh and you gotta see this all over the place yeah mhm i just graduated high school but i have an interest in in writing you know yeah uh no i have i have an interest in reading and and words and creating stories and being imaginative and yeah but i haven't written anything in oh in awhile but it that's my drug i don't drink or smoke or do any of the kind of drugs but uh writing was always what got me high yeah but i haven't been inspired but i recently just met a young girl who's a standup and her routine is so interesting i could write a novel of her routine anyway oh i don't eh you know why actually facebook she told us all this stuff about how she's she's friends with a homeless woman and the homeless woman can xxx can earn four can inherit four million dollars if she gets off the streets and she has an autistic sister who's very who's very strange but is crazy about guys and and and she's like twenty and wants to be a comic and she's really talented i've been facebooking her and but she hasn't responded so probably yes yes i'm trying to think what does introvert mean you know i yeah well i keep do i keep everything inside of me probably and i am yeah and then i'm always thinking probably all the time yeah thinking about my problems and just too much analyzing yeah probably lazy people people just living off the government and you know going to get their section eight they just don't go go out and just work and fend for themselves and just you know take care of themselves makes me mad people just people who just so lazy you know and they and some that go they walk or they're in the they're in the traffic with their signs give me money please help me please help me just help yourself help me help me that's what makes me mad i just try i try to just deal with it and trying to just to 'cause i don't like being annoyed or angry i don't really curse that much i try to just stay calm intelligent so i just just try to deal with it and suppress it and work through it i'm okay but but lately i have had outbursts and i regret it only probably due to lack of sleep or just tension that's rising and problems going on but i don't like i try to just stay calm oh oh wow um i don't like to argue but there was i was arguing with uh a girl who was working at a movie theater and she was giving people wrong directions on which line to stand on or to and she was like she was causing like hassles and i was saying you know they have to stand over here and don't send 'em over there they won't get into the to the film screening and there was some arguing going on and i was of course i was in the right she was giving wrong information this was at grauman's chinese theater k well i do have a twin brother that i live with but we we don't we don't get along we're total opposites i've i have a sister i haven't seen or talked to probably in eighteen years i have a younger brother don't see him much and what's sad i eh in just have a mother who's still around she's like seventy seventy five probably in the last three years just no communication no phone calls no facebooking just just separated it's like we don't interest each other just the way that she's always she always i don't well never had a father the father left when i was four and um she's always been a housewife always getting yeah she was always been on welfare and food stamps i just she never really worked i just wish she did something more she just you know i do love her but we have no we don't have a relationship anymore mhm who's been a positive positive influence hmm probably good writers probably my favorite authors who who inspired me to write to write better oh oh god i like i like uh like the the writer like william goldman who he's a very good writer and uh he wrote marathon man and he writes about how to write screenplays and wrote the princess bride he he he's been an inspiration yeah mhm what was that today's kids oh just uh i can answer that with two mm two words three words well just two aspects it's just too much too much video games too much technology too much skateboarding and just it was better when it in the seventies when i grew up we didn't have to we weren't locked in rooms or sitting in front of screens for hours and hours and hours so and everyone's yeah eh this is twenty thirteen it's everyone's just trying to you know life is hard for everybody and everyone's just trying to get through it it's tough mhm scrubbed_entry generous and funny and fun to be with and just an all around great guy no no yes prolly six years ago i probably eh uh just went i probably went went to a it was probably a i went to a free clinic i was just things were bad i was probably interested in medication and then when they offered it to me i decided not to deal with it i don't you know i don't i don't take i don't wanna take medication for anything i was taking lipitor for high cholesterol and getting too much side effects fatigue and sleeplessness and dizziness so i won't take medication course i'm a creative person and i'm eh i'm just xxx i've just suffered depression probably all my life you know i'm i have my highs and my lows you know xxx oh man just just just feeling blah just walking around and just not just not feeling anything if you know not feeling good about anything or excited about anything just bored so bored all the time mhm i don't wanna uh lately probably i never felt so bad in my entire life this is this is probably the last few years have just been really bad just i'm i'm in survival mode about it mhm it's pretty bad change i'm just become a a boring person eh you know i go to all these free events all the time trying to save money i'm out i'm out every night i'm i'm never i'm rarely ever home out all the time having a good eh you know going to events having a good time then but it's like i'm just trying to shut out life it's i live in movie theaters just trying to just block everything out that's that's not good no mm wasn't really into therapy but i you know but i you know again he was a korean guy he just said yeah your depression you have suffer depression you may even be i may even be bipolar but xxx you know i just i'll deal with it well believe it or not if it's if it's just dark and quiet i'll sleep pretty good eight to ten hours sometimes well because i snore sometimes i'm not allowed to to sleep at sometimes i get kicked out of the apartment it's a small apartment and i have nowhere i've slept i've slept on alleyways i've slept you know in doorways just to experience and i'm and i'm not homeless because you know and that's when i can't sleep that's when i get two or three hours so there's your answer inside i can i can sleep okay eh 'cause 'cause i'm always fatigued eh i'm very tired and i'm a heavy snorer i snore like a chainsaw so there ya have it huh i'm okay i'm you know i'm just eh you know people can tell i'm just just drowsy and just not probably irritable and just wanna just darkness let darkness come and let me just get at least four or five six some hours some sleep at all please if i get some then i'm i'll be okay okay i was um i had a gambling habit uh i i i had a gambling addiction which kinda messed my whole life up you lose uh you know pretty much lost everything when was the last time i was happy i probably took sixty dollars to a casino turned it into twelve hundred dollar so so the next so well so i had twelve hundred dollars in my pocket well i turned sixty well this is oh eh it was exciting but of course the next few days that twelve hundred dollars was liquidated it went it went 'cause i was just stupid and got greedy but that's when i'm happiest probably go to a casino and and win or just stay even and not lose anything that's that's where my adrenaline is yes it has it got me uh it put me where i am today yeah too much blackjack just bad but otherwise in the past three years it's i haven't had you know no i don't not much i don't gamble it's the gambling's not worth it and in the end you lose everything yeah yeah haha yeah apology accepted eh i'm i'm i am generous i'm very um you know i'm a nice guy you know i'm not gonna do you wrong and i'm very reliable all around good guy i i'll help you out i'll lend i'll lend you a few dollars i think i'm alright no nothing at all scrubbed_entry i just hope i just hope you know like like that there is a a second chapter in my life at my age we'll see right now i'm just floundering killing time probably it's been it's probably been four years now just of nothingness mm ask ask say that again xxx manage your money better you know you know who would i would never think i would have six figures in the bank but i did but it a lot of it eh eh you just i it evaporated very slowly you know and and so that advice is you know probably just don't don't gamble and keep keep your money you know try to find some other means of excitement of excitement but but for me being at that blackjack table with big wages was was my reality that reality was better than being outside the casino my reality was right there at the now texas hold 'em i did okay you know with that you know you'd i didn't lose much i'm a pretty good player to that blackjack ugh it just took everything mhm okay that i had those twelve years twelve years i owned a a a casting company for twelve years and provided uh people for movies and television shows and a lot of audience work so i made a lot of money for twelve years and traveled had the time of my life so at least on my deathbed i can say from ninety six to two thousand eight i had the best i had twelve years that i xxx i never thought i would've have ever have just money money eh i haven't done uh that i really enjoyed my excitement is going is getting into a big movie premiere at the grauman's you know you know it's free and i get you get the popcorn and soda and you see the stars that's about as exciting as it's gonna get right now okay alright take care bye,1 +360, yes i'm doing good and yourself inglewood the scenery the the places to eat um i just i i just love l_a the traffic the public transit that's about it yes getting to getting to new places and seeing new sights i studied nursing and office administration well i have a care for people in the nurising field and office administration i've always wanted i've always been into computers and wanted to learn more about the software and things and how to fix 'em and things like that no currently not currently but i'm i want to work there in the future i wanna work in that in the future i was working at um a retail store but now i'm just eh i'm job searching again my dream job is actually at um metro in public transit to help improve the public transportation system in l_a yeah i watch t_v mostly listen to music like smooth jazz like relaxing music i breathe i listen to music i try to do whatever i can to calm down um the things that really make me mad is like when i'm disrespected sort of per se um when thing when like when bad things happen that's what really irritates me that's all i'm i'm good as far as i think i am but there's times where i feel like i can't but i try as hard as i can to control it i argued with my fiance about a couple of weeks about some financial issues eh but that was it no i have not no i have not no i have not fairly easy most of the time but if there are like noises around me then it gets a little harder like a a neighbor partying or or loud noises in the house then it's hard but usually it's easy i'm just like really tired in the morning like i don't have a attitude or anything but i'm just like tired in the morning like i need more sleep when i wake up i've been feeling okay just i'm down sometimes i sleep a little than i'm i sleep more than i'm used to but i've been okay no they'd describe me as fun loving carefree a caring individual a caring person no no not really i mean i've had some bad experiences but for the most part i don't regret anything to just do what to do what i have to do strive really hard take care of my business and that's about it i felt really happy on christmas when i got engaged i enjoy going to nevada to celebrate my birthday i enjoy spending time with my family and my friends fairly close um there were some things that brought us apart but we're trying to get close again my grandmother she's really she's really let me see the light she's really let me see the good in myself she's really let me see that i'm a positive individual and that i can accomplish anything i put my mind to i'm proud of my accomplishments i'm proud that no matter what people said about me or thought about me that i was able to accomplish things in my life without without doing the things that doing the negative things that people thought i would that that they thought i was going to do my best qualities is that i'm very efficient i i'm a good i'm a good listener a good thinker a good speaker i can overcome a lot of situations and i'm just i feel like i'm a good person goodbye,0 +361, yes i'm doing great how about you i'm born in the u_s i was born in uh orlando florida um my parents my dad had a lot of friends in los angeles so uh we decided to move here um it was pretty different i mean uh the place i was before was very it was a very small town um you probably won't even notice it um on the map um so it was a big learning experience um 'cause you know the schools were a lot larger and different cultures and ethnicities um so it was a unique experience um last time i've been back was probably about five years ago um definitely different uh my aunt she lives in uh again she lives in a small town um so if you wanna go to a movie theater you have to drive out at least an hour or if you wanna go to a mall it's a it's an hour drive so um it's complete opposite of los angeles um the convenience everything uh everything i could possibly want is here um the weather is great um shopping um multiple a lot of lot of friends here sports um l_a is just kind of like the perfect area you know you know i wanna live here kind of for the rest of my life actually um the big thing would probably be traffic i mean wherever you go there's gonna be traffic whether you're on the four o five or the one o one it's it's just traffic it it you know it can kill like two hours in your day which is huge um yeah quite a bit for personal and for uh for business i travel um you know usually overseas or um domestically um i travel so and i enjoy it a lot um seeing different places uh different areas meeting new people um eating different kinds of food um being able to sightsee and tour um if i have a day or two free um it's just experiencing um having new experiences just enriches my life um computers um and i also did english as well yes i am um i work in i_t in an i_t department at a semiconductor company dream job um probably working for apple um since i pretty much own everything they have uh yeah it'd be great to work for apple um you know it depends um there are times when it's good to be alone but for the most part i consider myself uh an outgoing social person um nothing too much i guess uh if you kind of uh make a promise and you and you break it several times and i might get a little bit might get a bit a little bit uh annoyed but i don't think i would get really mad um good question i'd probably say um i tend to eat a little bit more um just kinda keep my mind off of it a little bit um but usually doesn't last that long so i just keep kinda like tend i tend to eat out a little bit more more of kinda like maybe junk food or something um i think i'm pretty good i i rarely get mad um and if i do it doesn't really last that long um so i think i'm pretty good at um i guess controlling my temper um again i really don't get angry so um it's not really an issue for me um i'd say during the elections um we were talking about uh president obama and mitt romney and you know who'd be the best fit uh for for the next presidency um that kind of got a little bit uh i guess a little bit heated but it was more for uh i guess more for fun sake than anything else but it was an interesting conversation um like to eat out a lot uh watch movies uh play video games um just go out shop uh play sports uh watch a laker game if i can in person it would probably be the best um bowling photography um like to doing a lot i like to do a lot of different things um and of course electronics um i'd say outgoing loyal um intelligent funny um and a great listener uh no i have not no no um for most nights it's it's pretty easy um just have to avoid drinking coffee or tea before i sleep um other than that it's been pretty easy um i'd say a little bit sluggish tired um kind of reaction time is a little bit slower um aside from that um i think nothing too much like too glaring or anything um the usual just being sluggish and not moving as quickly as i should um pretty good have no complaints no pretty much the same um i guess today i had my uh car maintenance today and it didn't cost me anything so that's great and i thought it was gonna cost me you know something extra on the side but you know the uh the service advisor waived it so i got everything free today so actually i'm in a really good mood hmm no nothing uh probably um don't spend as much save more money um aside from that um nothing else just be um kind of more um wise with your money um i'd probably say my best friend he's kind of a you know helped me out and i helped him out as well so it's been uh kind of a great learning experience um you know developing our uh our friendship and he's bailed me out a couple of times i bailed him out as well so it's kind of it's a mutual thing we do um you know with each other um and it's you know it's like a great way to bond as well hmm um i'd say probably going back uh back to korea um to visit my uh relatives um you know they they're a lot more different than uh i remember you know like fifteen years ago when i was a kid i was actually kind of afraid of some of them but um now that i see them you know recently they've actually mellowed a lot and they're actually pretty fun to talk to so um it was kind of a a learning experience for me because uh they're you know they did complete one eighty from when i was a when i was a kid um i say um guess work would be part of it um buying my uh the car that i wanted it took a couple years to save up to buy the car but i i paid it all off so i don't have any more car payments so that's great too and you know being able to help my uh family out as well hmm um let's see a while recently um a couple weeks ago i went to uh las vegas for the uh for c_s um which is great if you into gadgets and electronics um you get to see all the uh the goodies coming out this year so that was uh pretty interesting to see and um some things that uh you know when you read on blogs they didn't talk about so you get to see it actually in person kind of experience it from a user standpoint so i thought it was great um and it's just fun it's kind of like being a kid in a candy store you get to play with different gadgets um so it was really fun for me yeah,0 +363, yes good how are you i am from los angeles yes um it's uh center of everything eh you can get to all the places you need to go to uh eh without having to drive very far um i like being in the city well being in l_a also you're dealing with traffic a lot of congestion and um obviously uh the environment as far as uh the air quality is not that great but you know you live with that um i was a business administration major so i studied business and um after i finished college i um uh pursued a career in retail operations uh no i as a matter of fact i am not i kinda changed career uh over the last four or five years so i'm concentrating more on the human resources side of the business um a couple of factors um i after working numerous years in the retail business i um switched over and worked in a uh creative business which was a graphic design firm and i uh captured a knowledge a lot of knowledge um in the a in the human resources side because i was the operations manager slash benefits manager for a a small company yes i'm very happy i did that um i picked up on lot of knowledge and uh and it's very helpful well my dream job is um i'm basically kinda doing what i wanna do now because i am a uh independent contractor i do freelance work as an h_r consultant using all the knowledge that i uh gained from previous jobs and um i utilize that with the flexibility to do the things i wanna do as far as personally and have the time i need to to do the things i wanna do and um obviously i worked hard early part of my career so the financial aspect of uh my retirement is already set in place so i do what i need to do as far as um maintaining a certain lifestyle but also i have i also enjoy what i do i'm not under as much stress as i used to be mm i'm not well i'm not totally outgoing but um i'm not i'm not extremely shy i'm probably right in the middle maybe more towards outgoing but i'm not totally outgoing i mean when i'm around other people i am uh in a social situation i i guess you could consider me an outgoing person but um obviously i do have my own little uh private issues that i keep to myself oh sure you know i have um uh couple years ago i had a heart attack and i had to have bypass operation and it had to yeah it had to do with stress and things like that i don't talk about that much other than those around me that are close to me um if i meet someone new i don't just openly say well you know i've experienced this this and this so i just basically um if it comes up i won't deny it or if it comes up and if it's if it i feel like it's something to talk about i will talk about it actually um my relaxation is um i'm currently um living with my mom my mother and uh she's a senior citizen and she's alone um so what i do for uh relaxation or to relieve stress is i actually help help her do yard work take care of all the gardening and things like that and that's actually very uh therapeutic you know um i'm not um i'm not a short-fused kinda person it takes a lot to get me really angry so as far as um my temper's concerned there's not there's not much to that um i'm trying to think here i can't recall when the last time it was but it was probably last year sometime when i um had a creditor that i was dealing with um being very difficult to work with um and i owed money as far as um some medical expenses that were incurred when i had my heart attack a few years ago and uh they weren't very understanding of the situation and i uh i really got a little upset about that because um i felt like i was being honest with them and i was i was more than willing to take care of my issues but uh they were playing hardball and i didn't care for that it does probably the hardest xxx decision i ever had to make was um it had to do with a life and death situation with my my stepfather who was battling uh prostate cancer and yeah uh making a decision with my mother whether to proceed with a procedure that was gonna either um help him or there was a slight chance it was gonna help him even though he was pretty terminal at that point or it would it would kill him you know um and that was really tough it was really tough decision to make but uh uh you know i i felt like if i didn't try and see if we could save his life help save his life or if it we didn't take a chance and and take that extra step that i would regret it in the long run it is it was um well right now um i'm separated from my wife so uh she has her issues i have my issues but we are not divorced we're just separated and um we still have a relationship where we still speak to each other we just don't live together and the relationship with my mother's really great you know um she's very understanding i'm an only child so she likes having me around which is good because she's in her late she's in her later stage of her life she's eighty two years old and and so she needs to uh i guess it's good that in in in it's own way maybe fate has taken place because you know eh someone eighty two years old by themselves in a huge house is not a good thing but with me there i think she feels there's a comfort level she feels with me there especially being her only child probably the most guilty i feel about anything are are the things that i did to hurt my marriage um as far as um the things that i did the selfish things that i did when i was much younger that um obviously affected the relationship between myself and my wife uh yeah i um got caught up in a situation where um i was working tremendous amounts of hours under a lotta stress my wife was also working a lotta hours in a job that she had and uh we were growing apart and um when she was away my form of release was to go uh to the casinos and gamble and so you know i spent a lot of time in in the casinos and what eventually happened was i spent a lot of money and obviously that was a major issue regarding our relationship had to do with trust because um it it was devastating to my wife i felt uh when when it when it came to light um i felt very guilty and i felt less than a human being at that point in my life no not at all no not really no i don't have problems sleeping that's i i don't ever recall having any problem sleeping so no no not at all no uh i well i just the only thing i could say is um after i had my heart attack a few years ago um i don't let i find myself not letting the small details or small things in life bother me as much as they did before so i tend to be a little bit more easygoing and my friends and family have noticed that the last time i felt really happy um probably when i had a visit with my cardiologist after my heart attack and um he basically said to me that after many tests and many uh months of uh rehabilitation that he was happy to explain to me that there was no scar tissue no major scar tissue that had occurred with my heart because of my heart heart attack and that um i could count on living a pretty much normal life as long as i watched my diet and took my medications well i guess number one thing is uh my physical being itself i like to be a little bit more healthier lose some more weight um just in general just be more healthier physically and as far as mentally um just not go back to those ways of thinking where i was doing the wrong things instead of the right things and not to be so selfish just one day at a time you know i just uh try to be at peace with my myself and try to have some peace of mind on a daily basis i meditate i read you know i read some books i watch t_v i i do things that i know that um if i can i if i can help myself i do things to help myself well there's a lot that i regret obviously in my marriage uh my uh working career as far as i had a long career with this majors uh food chain and and i basically because of my gambling issues i ended up ruining a a very good career but um at this point right now there's not much i can do i can't change what's been done so i don't focus too much on the past i just look at what's in front of me and just focus on what's in front of me eh every day what advice wake up and see and see what you're doing to yourself and you know make the changes that need to be changed um you know uh you know i'm not a uh i'm not someone that's not intelligent but i was intelligent enough to know what's right from wrong and um scrubbed_entry you're what you're doing is wrong you need to change your behavior immediately probably the proud what i'm proud about overall is the fact that um i did all these awful things but deep down i don't think as a person i'm a bad person i have to remember that um when i was caught up in all the gambling and compulsive behavior it was because i had an illness a compulsive uh obsessive compulsive behavior that made me ill and um that i was a sick person just trying to become healthy and every day that's what my life is about it's about recovery and uh just making sure that uh i do the right things from the time i wake up in the morning to the time i go to sleep at night one day at a time it's not as hard as you think it's but it is a process where you need to be diligent about your behavior and your routines and um just know that what's not right for you you know it could be okay for other people to do certain things but i cannot do those things anymore um most of my best friends can uh describe me as probably easygoing generous um a nice person to be around and um you know they were obviously a little shocked when they found out of all my issues uh related to the gambling and the my and the break-up of break-up of my marriage which you know it's still not over yet you know well my ideal weekend starts off usually um after i have breakfast with my mother early in the morning like around six o'clock um i go to a local park and uh it's about this park is probably laid out where you can walk up a hill and down a hill it's about three and a half miles and i take a brisk walk in the morning um get my blood flowing and get my heart rate going and then after that i um you know go home um work in the yard a few hours take a shower and relax and then just uh kinda kick back for the rest of the day and then the the the next day i i do the same thing again in the morning i go for a walk work out in the yard watch t_v whatever just relax that's how a weekend goes for me and thank you bye,0 +364, i am i feel pretty good i'm wide awake i had an good breakfast and a nice cup of coffee and uh i have an easy day today so i am just gonna chat with you then i'm going to the gym and run some errands so i plan on having a nice day today i was born and raised in los angeles and i'm one of the few locals from around here and uh i went to school away and uh but i'm one of the few natives that are actually in los angeles yes i am i like the weather having owned a vacation house in another state that i found to be too hot and humid in florida i love the weather here um i like the culture i like the diversity i like the familiarity i like that beaches uh but i also like that just an hour and a half away one can go to the desert say palm springs palm desert but also another hour and a half two hours away you can go to arrowhead or big bear and go snowboarding or skiing or things like that and uh i think it's a great place to live thank you well more of some maybe some of the things i don't like about l_a or say california in general say like the high tax rate which the state tax rate is up to thirteen point something now which is gonna chase business out of here also the regulations i'm a small business owner so all the regulations are clearly affecting business so many of my peers have moved their businesses to texas arizona nevada etcetera some of the other western states that are less regulated and uh that's a big problem here in uh uh california it really does most people don't understand it but it's uh also uh you know besides the high taxes you know there's a big immigration problem which being born and raised here most people don't see that but it's a big tax on the social service system and that's what makes our taxes uh so high until they really secure the borders and get that taken care of so that's you know but people don't seem to want to really deal with uh deal with that but it clearly affects businesses because from all the other things that's why our taxes are so high and people are moving out of state i enjoy traveling i've been to sixty six countries and uh i don't travel as much as i used to but i've traveled quite a bit and i've learned a couple of languages and uh i served i'm sorry uh i didn't really understand uh your question when you said like what i don't think you understood what i said but i'll just go back and i've been all through europe eastern europe asia south america north africa um and i enjoy that and enjoy warm climates now especially where you can go and relax and there's warm water to surf 'cause the cold water kind of makes my back stiffen up and i also like to exercise and surf and do yoga and work out and uh i try to eat healthy and uh that's a big part of my life oh sure um one of my favorite trips of all time was i used to when i was younger see how many countries i could do in a relatively short period of time say in a three or four week span but about ten years ago we actually went to paris and stayed for about a week and really got to know the city even though i'd been there about ten times we got to know the city really well which was great really lived like a local and rented a small flat and cooked and did our own shopping but really having been there so many times i really never stayed for more than three or four days it was fun to stay there for about you know almost a month and uh really get to learn the city and it was fun even though i grew up in l_a i grew up taking french which there wasn't a big spanish speaking population when i when i was younger my mother insisted that all of us kids take french even though spanish would've been a lot more valuable but i took french uh all through uh elementary junior high and uh high school so it was nice to practice my french even though i don't remember a whole lot and even though i stopped speaking french with the french you know and my accent is not the greatest so after a couple sentences they start talking english to me so that was a uh i have a few different degrees so uh i was a naval science major as an undergraduate and uh that was fun and i also have a masters uh degree in economics and i have a degree in crisis management so uh i found them um interesting and uh it was something that i wanted to do where i went to college i went to the naval academy i went there to play sports and i found it real interesting being from southern california going to school in maryland and i originally wanted to be a doctor but once you start going to school for a little bit you change your mind etcetera so um i'm actually in the wholesale business now for wholesale distributors of furniture products and it was a family business but i went to work there a number of years ago well you know my grandfather and recently father passed away so i sort of run a eighty year old family business and it's pretty interesting i like it having grown up around it but it's different than other jobs i've had in the past hm actually probably my dream job i think cooking and staying at home this fun i've changed so much i enjoy cooking and staying at home and uh uh i would probably like to stay home and raise kids because i do have one daughter and uh you know didn't get to spend as much time with her when she was younger as i would've liked but i think i would be better than say a lot of women i know that want to work i actually like cooking and hanging around the house and taking care of kids you know that i like doing i'm always on a part time basis but do that having pretty much worked most of my life it seems like boy that would be fun to stay home and uh do that having pretty much worked most of my life so probably never happen but it sounds something that to me would be fun uh i think i'm um generally more reserved and shy with strangers but when i get to know someone or feel comfortable i think i'm more of an extrovert whereas most strangers might think i'm more introverted but i think i'm when i feel comfortable with certain people and i don't know what it is i can meet a stranger and be totally confident or people that i might've known for years either from a personal or a business situation and be more um introverted i mean i just i just go with the dynamics but i think my outward manifestation is to be a little more shy in general and reserved i use like to use the term reserved oh wow that's a great idea i used to have that on uh one of my i have uh several computers at home and that used to be one of my screensavers uh as well i usually tend when when i need to relax or had a stressful day or stressful personal events or going for a long walk or going for a long walk or going for a long walk i usually find exercise whether it be yoga or going for a long walk or going to the gym or going for a run or going to the beach you know maybe going surfing when the weather's warm i don't surf in cold weather anymore because it makes it gives me like a brain freeze even though i've surfed for you know over thirty years i had it uh i usually find exercise helps me relax the best or sometimes just vegging out on the couch in front of the t_v i find very relaxing but i like that screensaver i used to have that on one of my uh screensavers at home but yes that was uh that was it but that's one of the things that took me a number of years to master though were my relaxation skills i probably didn't have them the best in my twenties but over the years i think i've gotten better uh at the i think that's a key thing and i think as we mature as we learn how to do that i wish i'd learned how to do that and be a little more how do you had had the skills earlier i like to think i'm pretty good i think i'm a lot better as well as that as i've aged um you know i i am more likely to think before i speak now whereas say twenty years ago i was more likely to act before i fought so i might've said more things that i in a whatever tense situation whether it be personal or a work situation um but i've never had a a a violent temper but i would have a temper where i fly off the handle instead of taking a deep breath and reflecting on it i think i'm a lot better at that now than i was say in my teens or twenties so when i think a lot of that comes i think the keyword there is maturity oh wow you know i haven't really had an argument with anybody in several years what i would consider a traditional argument um probably um my ex wife a number of years ago wehad an argument basically just over my daughter and it wasn't anything violent but it was heated just basically one of the reasons we didn't weren't married our values were so different just our ideas of parenting and uh just uh outlook on life was so different i think that caused us to butt heads but it was just i don't know if i'd call it an argument but it was more of just a uh one of those let's agree to disagree butt heads so i felt like i was talking to a wall and i actually felt more mad at myself that i should've learned earlier in life that boy that before you get married to someone have children with them that's the kind of discussions that people should usually have but you're not really thinking of that because sometimes when we're younger we're looking at boy how does that i look great on paper to her and she looked great on paper to me but you know i'm pretty easy going and i have different ideas on raising children how she did and that was more not that she was wrong and i was right not that i was right and she was wrong it was just how we were raised and our just different views and we never really discussed those things but it was really just fundamental reasons why we butted heads and more weren't really a good match whereas other things looked good you know on paper to both of us hm there's one recently my father passed away uh recently thank you and really because in our religion you know you plan a funeral very quickly you know typically within a couple of days and i really only invited very very close friends and family members i was more or less in charge of it my dad was remarried but his widow was sort of not really up to it so i took care of it and i wish i had invited a i kept it very private and really just told people after the fact that he knew that would've liked to have come tp the service had they known about it so i really only invited because just the time pressure really just a handful of people but now as time's passed i wish i'd invited more of his friends instead of just two or three close friends you know ten or twenty acquaintances and people he knew from business or over the years and i really just and even distant family members i really just told after the fact i really didn't invite them because i was under a time pressure but i could've easily done it via email or it's hard to call everybody personally but i wish that's something 'cause people have expressed a little they were upset with me when my other family members threw it all back at me oh you didn't tell me 'til after the fact that you know so and so had passed so they all threw it at me because i was more or less doing it so i wish i i did that differently but i did the best i could at the time so i'm not really mad at myself about something i probably should've been more prepared for also something that was coming was inevitable so um well both my parents are recently uh deceased in the last couple of years and i had a brother that i have three younger brothers one of who passed away in december and we're not super close like i always like i look at other families we were just never like that norman rockwell uh painting i guess we're also uh different and uh i have a close relationship with friends and a more distant relationship with family not that it's strange but i wish it was more like boy one of those families that got together every sunday and had dinner and all that we just never did that because we're all all so uh uh different yeah it's yeah just being that's how it is but you know to strangers and most people i just say you know howdy the family everybody's great you know but i think every family has their own sort of stuff um no but i thought probably i could've had it before from some other events in my life and i just wasn't sure i've had been to some therapy in the past just from you know uh i was in the military and i was never really sure if that that's exactly what it was but i think i function pretty well but i just wasn't sure that i had been to some therapy and counseling over the years i didn't enlist i was an officer i went to one of the service academies that um seventeen i started when after high school and i went to a service academy so it's more prestige it just isn't enlisting it's the hard where i went it's the hardest school in america to get into i was but same age as everybody else that went there uh we did nineteen eighty three um just basically wasn't anything intense it was just we were just around some we were just we weren't allowed to carry ammunition we were just our position were just shelled at the time and poison gas was sprayed on us so that was a it wasn't it wasn't anything too uh too intense it was a lot you know because it the service i was in the training was way more intense than any actual combat situation that's because they train you well it's like you practice harder than you play if you're an athlete if you play football you practice harder than you you actually play in the game and the same with uh you know if you're in a combat unit well it made me more patriotic having grown up in california whereas people who are from all over the country and i got to meet whereas most of say my friends who grew up in affluent los angeles like i did never really went out and met a lot of americans and people from different backgrounds and i ended up becoming uh just more patriotic and a deeper sense of pride in the country whereas you really don't grow up with that in southern california whereas someone in texas or kentucky or tennessee or georgia north dakota south dakota montana grows up with that kind of uh pride so i thought it was good and it unlike so many of my friends that they don't know any there's any life between malibu and manhattan uh i went to graduate i was still in the reserves but i went to graduate school and i got two graduate degrees and i went to work in private enterprise uh didn't care for it then i joined the fire department i was a fire fighter and paramedic for a number of years and then after i got divorced it was harder to do the custody situation with my daughter so i went to work in a family business and that's pretty much my career in a nutshell um at first it was because i had such a bearing in my butt from the way i walked i talked and again i was an officer uh you were very regimented on the way you dressed in your private time it was harder took me awhile to be able to come back to los angeles uh because it was just so uh so different i think i handled it better than most i have a stronger personality so but it was a great experience um it all depends if i exercise regularly and i don't eat too late and things are going well in my life i generally sleep pretty well even though i might have to get up and go to the bathroom once during the night um but i generally sleep uh i generally sleep pretty well i feel pretty good lately you know i've been like anybody else more periods of blue in your life but boy the last few months i feel great pretty much no not really i seem i think i seem a little happier more content lately um i've had thought maybe in the past because i do have a family history of it and you know it wasn't anything real too debilitating and i wasn't able to really function on my own but i was concerned with it and sought counseling i do i was really against it in the past and until after i went i mean i wish i went more say during my uh my marriage over the course of uh my life now i think it's very useful however in the past i was one of those i grew up hearing that it was just ridiculous and it was a waste of money etcetera but i think it's a useful tool if you're open to it oh just some questions i wanted just an honest opinion outside of friends or strangers from a professional you know about life relationships and sometimes it's good talking things out with a a professional even though i wouldn't see someone like you in real life i prefer someone who's older than i am a little more life experience than someone who's maybe younger so but yeah i think it's a useful tool and i really did a hundred and eighty degree switch on that uh i don't go now i'm sorta taking a break from it but i'm not against it if i have some issues i wanna bounce off i do have someone that i go to yeah i think it's nice you know they really if you go to someone who's good and again i've been to a few different people and sort of therapist shopped they really don't tell you what to think which i think is great you know that's always in the past they just help you talk through your your thoughts and your feelings and let you decide for yourself but bring a little clarity to the situation that's why i like talking to someone who has a lot more life experience and i generally feel more comfortable talking to a woman about that stuff than say to a man so but it's um i think it's a a useful tool i got some good ideas and was able to it's nice balancing some things off totally someone who's unbiased and not in your day to day life instead of talking to a a romantic partner or a close friend who knows you but sometimes bouncing the people off of strangers is good uh this morning i know this this is weird but i'm clearly someone and i'd say this as a joke to my friends and family and associates i clearly have i'm having an easy day today 'cause i knew we're having nice weather and i have a bunch of errands to run and i clearly have seasonal affective disorder but i woke up so happy today when i know it's gonna be eighty degrees out and when the weather's nice i'm generally a lot more happier than when the weather's [laughter] dark and blue and rainy and cold where i always i know that term so but i'm just well i woke up really happy today because i knew it's gonna be a nice day and i looked forward to feeling the sun so uh most of my friends i'm sort of a renaissance man i know a little bit about a lot of subjects i'm too smart for my own good and i'm a i know a a lot a lot of permeable things i'm pretty rational i'm very resourceful people always call me when they have issues and i help talk them through it or i'm resourceful and tell them where to go whether it's where to buy a new computer or buy a new car or you know i'm great with medical diagnoses uh and uh you know people also say i'm a lot of fun i'm fun to be with and um i also have i don't have a lot of grey areas people will either really like me or don't like me with me things are pretty much black and white i am what i am i don't b_s you know i'm the opposite of a politician so i don't tell people what they want to hear i don't be rude not rude to anybody but i pretty much call things as i see them so that's pretty much no not really 'cause i do everything tactfully i like to think i do uh probably just i probably spent more time with my parents before they passed but i was busy uh i probably wish i was able to spend more time with my daughter when she was younger uh but just a lot of it's very typical really to think things through a little bit more be a little less impulsive or have pretended to be more impulsive when i was younger than i am now i think that's that's it and i would look at things in the long term instead of looking in things in the short term you know when you make decisions or choices um i'm proud of my daughter she's a nice young lady i am uh proud of my public service i've never done a job really for money of my military service and fire service um there are very few people like me who did it who are as had the background in education that i did but i like public service and um so i'm proud of uh that proud of all the certificates i have hanging on my walls at home and degrees sort of like trophies i'm proud that i've been able to stay in good physical shape over the years and knock wood maintain good health it was nice meeting you bye bye thank you,0 +365, sure i'm doing alright new jersey yes three months ago not very often uh it's much different uh i don't know it's just it's a lot more crowded here to start a new life for myself it wasn't very easy at all uh it was uh it was quite rough at first but you know i'm still trying to get used to life here i've met some good friends here um you know i love the hollywood area um and just you know the mountains are beautiful that's kinda things i love hmm the traffic not really no i don't just haven't had the time or the finances to digital media well i've always loved you know computers and you know designing things and uh i don't know i just kinda fell into it no i dropped out well i i guess my dream job would be working in something that uh i went to school for you know i i never really completed my education um but i guess it'd be great if i went you know back to school and you know finished you know my degree in digital media and uh you know finished and uh started working you know doing something in that field a little bit of both you know i i can be shy at times but i like to push myself to be outgoing you know it's kind of a a struggle for me but i i don't wanna be you know in a shell so i kinda force myself to be outgoing listen to music i uh sometimes just drive and um you know play music in my car and that helps me relax or i smoke a cigarette oh like what ooh um just heavy metal that's all i listen to is metal well it depends on how high my stress level is and how angry i am but i i do my best to not get so pissed off scrubbed_entry and i don't know she um she wanted me to to come and pick her up uh she was a little drunk and uh we just kinda fought over the phone all over some other things and i just ended not picking her up because of her attitude on the phone with me yeah it does something i feel guilty about is uh not talking to my kids uh often or as often as i should i've just been so busy with trying to get myself all situated here that i i don't really have time to you know talk to my kids as much as i'd like to you have no idea um it's it comes natural but it's no way easy and uh it's it's the hardest job that i love to do but right now it's extremely difficult for me because they live so far away and i i made this choice to come out here to l_a and i feel bad that i don't see them you know but the reason i came out here was to better myself so i can provide for them fear you know fear just fear will you know you you fear what's gonna happen to your kids you fear that something awful is gonna happen and not seeing them it brings about that fear a lot more you know and i can't i can't always be there with them i can't see them you know it it wasn't as bad when i was living in florida um and i i at least i used to see them it wasn't very often but i used to used to see them now i don't see them at all and that's the that's the hardest thing i've had to do as a parent is to step away from my kids if only temporarily i don't know how long i'm gonna be here for i don't know what my future holds but the hardest thing is being so far away from them just the the joy that they bring to me i mean i could be having a bad day and they just cheer me right up i mean i eh it sucks being away from them for for so long and they're so far away and just not seeing their faces that's it's it's the worst thing ever you know but i i love to just see their faces they they just bring a smile to my face and um i don't know well um i think the fact that i can get down to their level um i'm i'm a bit goofier as a father than my dad was with me my dad was you know strict all the time sure he used to you know laugh and play with us but you know he was always very reserved you know and he kinda held back a lot he a lot of his emotions just because you know he was a he was a strong very tough guy um but with me i i i'm very goofy and silly with my kids and i'm strict when i have to be but i always love to you know play around with them as much as possible you know not i don't want them to grow up too fast and that that may have been yeah well a situation that i wish i would've handled differently there's so many uh i guess when i was still with my ex-wife in florida i wish i wouldn't have gotten so angry or i wish i wouldn't have let her get the best of my emotions she had a tendency to get underneath my skin and uh you know keep picking at me until i exploded and i allowed her to do that you know i i should've just walked away when i could and um you know not let my temper get the best of me no no no uh sometimes it's hard um sometimes i just lay awake in bed you know thinking all the things that are going through my head all the you know all the stress that i'm going through with work and you know making sure you know wondering if i'm gonna if i'm gonna be able to make you know rent you know wondering what my kids are going through you know when i'll see them again if they even care about me anymore if they even know they have a father you know those are some of the things that run through my head and and that keeps me up at night sometimes a little but you know i put myself in this situation so you know i i gotta bear with it you know i gotta you know you reap what you sow so i i gotta deal with it in my own way lately um i've been trying to not think so much about you know all that's going into my life uh i try to distract myself and that kind of gets me in a better mood you know if i'm hanging out with friends or just watch a little t_v something to get my mind off you know all the stresses in my life um the last time i felt really happy uh was actually a couple of nights ago i went out drinking with um with a couple of my friends from work and um i don't know we just got pretty drunk and just that kinda helped me to forget all the crap that was previously going through my head so if if i can distract myself if i can forget about all that other stuff then i'm happy some of my best qualities i guess that i'm convincing um uh i'm kind of like a i guess you would say a counselor to some people you know some of my close friends you know i may talk people into doing things that they may regret or i may i mean i'm sorry take talk people out of things that they you know may end up regretting or i may um you know just listen to people so you know eh i could say that you know i definitely you know listen to my friends and help them out in their time of need when they're going through something troubling times like like i'm going through scrubbed_entry uh who lives in florida you know i talk to him every now and then and he's been having troubles with his girlfriend and you know i just kind of talk to him about his problems and listen i mostly i mainly listen because you know i don't think he has anybody else to listen to you know when i was living in florida i was uh very close with him so you know he he'd always relied on me and now that i'm here in l_a i don't wanna lose that you know connection with him because i mean i've always been there for him so he um he relies on me to listen to his problems and give him some advice you know about what i think you know he should do um so i think i think he appreciates that and i and i'm glad that he you know relies on me for that uh he trusts me enough to tell me all that stuff i don't know um sometimes i wish i wasn't so kind or generous it seems bad but sometimes i i don't know people may take advantage of me and i may not realize it and um i don't like saying no to people i like to always please people so if i can change that maybe i wish i wasn't such a people pleaser sometimes financially in trouble sometimes i you know it you know help others and not you know that may make me broke sometimes yeah i may not have enough to pay bills but i feel better helping people i don't know i regret not breaking up with my ex-wife sooner i regret i regret because she put me through so much crap in my life and um i was always trying to be a people pleaser i was trying to please her you know trying to please my kids as much as i can by not breaking up you know the family but you know there's only so much one person can take and i i think probably if i would've left sooner i may have been happier and things may not have gotten so out of control out of hand like they did you know during all those years with her so maybe if i would've got out sooner i don't know i would've been happier i guess um it's okay to be selfish it's okay to you know think about yourself sometimes you know if you keep putting everyone ahead of you then you're not thinking about yourself you're not thinking about what makes you happy and even though pleasing people may make you happy uh you have to think about yourself sometimes too and about your needs because you know you play an important role in the lives of your close family members and um in order to keep everything afloat you sometimes gotta xxx gotta worry about the one person that's you know juggling everything and holding everything up which is yourself so be a little selfish sometimes it's okay i don't even know what a weekend is anymore my ideal weekend would be locked away alone in my room watching movies listening to music just with my cell phone off and not you know being with anybody or it could be out at a bar you know or you know watching a a metal show so i like to be alone but at times i i do wanna be out with uh with others i like you know being around people crazy he thinks i'm uh i'm crazy for coming out here but i guess he would say that i'm dedicated and that i'm strong-minded and that you know whatever i set my mind to i can do it you know no matter how hard it is i'm not gonna wimp out so i mean i i really respect him for giving me his insight but uh i guess yeah i guess he would say that i'm crazy but strong-minded my kids you know that's the one thing that brings joy to me you know like real real joy are my kids and you know just having them in my life is is the proudest thing i can ever accomplish is just you know having them in my life and although i don't get to see them as much even even when i think about them just thinking about you know how far they've gone you know what what they've accomplished in their you know in in their short time i mean eh yeah it makes me happy and i can't wait to see them again one of my most memorable experiences i guess that would be scrubbed_entry in florida you know going to see our uh you know our favorite band skeleton witch it was it was a great night overall you know one of the night's i'll never forget just because we'd been looking forward to it for you know so many months and you know when it finally happened it was surreal um it was it was a great night after all and overall sure you're welcome bye,1 +366, yeah i'm great and you uh los angeles california uh i like the diversity i feel l_a by itself is a country there's so much to do so much to explore and uh there's nothing like it traffic uh i would say traffic and the real estate prices are kinda crazy compared to the rest of the country but other than that then you know it's fine i have traveled um i have traveled a bit um i would like to travel more though so but i've traveled to i've been to a few countries um i've been to i won't say europe that's a continent um i've been to uh london um i was born here but my family's from nigeria so i've been to nigeria a few times i've been to denmark um amsterdam i've been to uh where else have i gone uh germany um and i think that's i think that's it yeah think that's it yeah just exploring uh exploring exploring new places um seeing new things meeting new people a different culture it's definitely um um gives you an appreciation for life and the diversity of it and also um going to countries that may not be as developed as the u_s it definitely it definitely gives you a greater appreciation of you know this country yeah okay well uh let's see london i accident actually when i first heard about going to london i really didn't care for it 'cause i didn't know much about it the only i thing i remember i remember is watching mary poppins and um but um when i went there i absolutely fell in love with it um just it still it has the hustle and bustle of l_a but at the same time you can go at a very very slow pace um we didn't do any driving we just went on the tube um which is their like the underground subway station which i absolutely fell in love with and um just exploring um different parts of the city we went to you know big ben westminster abbey uh they actually had when i went there they had the premiere of um what movie was this um slumdog millionaire and also they had the premiere for um seven seven pounds it was a movie with will smith um they did so will smith was over there and we were you know me and my friends were like kinda like screaming like we were like groupies just you know just just just to you know for antics but um yeah it was it was a lot of fun it was a lot of fun yeah uh business management and an option in human resources management what that means i have no idea um good question i've always i've always wanted to go into business um and i've always wanted to study finance but i didn't think i would learn too much about finance from college per se i think i've learned more in the real world whatnot so the other option was human resource and i'm always fascinated about you know relationships and people always like reading articles about that stuff so i went for that no well i still i still kinda use what i've learned but i i work in property management so um it still has to do with people anything to do with people i'm fascinated about so yeah that was a good one um my dream job wow i would say being a life coach i would uh yeah i would say that would my dream job because i love helping people become successes and i help i love being a part of someone else's success even no regardless of how small it is um whether it be words of encouragement or helping somebody figure out a situation i like um i just help like helping people have a better life so i think uh you know but i do it for free i'd do it for free like all day yeah yeah more outgoing definitely more outgoing i'm usually um the life well it's it's weird 'cause i'm usually considered like the life of the party i'm the one who's cracking jokes and making everybody laugh at the same time i can be very very quiet and to myself so yeah right to relax i usually listen to music i usually listen to music to relax me or i pray to to relax myself or listen to some really calm music so yeah very good very very good i used to uh i wouldn't say it was a bad temper but i was known to um go off quote on quote not in a not in a you know not throwing chairs or anything like that but i'm a very very patient person but once that patience is gone and for you to do that you have to really really really really push my buttons for a long time and once it's done i i just go off no mm mm no the last time i argued with someone wow i haven't argued with somebody in a long time um boy mm uh i argued with my no i would say my i think it my dad i argued with him um about xxx what was it about um we were disagreeing on some things about when we were gonna supposed to go back to nigeria and he wasn't listening to it was a kind of like a group discussion myself and my my siblings and he was being very subjective he wasn't being open to other people's suggestions and suggestions and concerns so um it started an argument uh very uh i wouldn't say angry per se but i felt very kinda like i was losing control like um i'm the type where i i like to be in control of my emotions and of my thoughts and i feel once that patience is gone and i start going off it's kinda like this this uh you know i won't call it a blur but i'm very witty and quick with what i say so i will instantly say something that you know up not necessarily hurtful but um very direct and to the point and i make sure i get my point across yeah um i have three brothers one one younger two older i'm very close with my family and my mom is one of my best friends um my brothers are great um love 'em to death uh my father eh he's moreso out of the picture yeah hmm i don't i don't really i'm not the guilty type i don't feel guilty i'm not one to shy away from what i've done and i definitely own up to what i do i'm not one to shy away from responsibility but i don't think i ever feel guilty for anything i do yeah i don't think i feel i i usually don't feel guilty yeah pretty pretty easy um pretty easy at at yeah i'm pretty good at falling asleep except when i'm excited and when i'm reading when i'm trying to when i'm when i'm focused on learning something like i'll read and read and read even when it's past my bed time but now i'm trying to work on waking up much earlier then when i am now and that's kind of a struggle a little bit of a struggle but i'm getting to it so good um i've been feeling i've been feeling fine you know i'm generally i have a very very happy disposition and so no uh you know deep depressing moods nothing like that and whenever if i feel do feel like i'm going i don't allow myself to go to that place nah no sorry mm thoughts i would say well it's i wouldn't say necessarily changes but i'd say moreso behaviors learning how to let go of past decisions maybe and kinda how they they played their course in my life um i just sometimes i kinda look back and say what if i did this what would've how would life be now no so the those are some games i play but other than that that's it hmm regret uh no no mm mm there isn't anything i regret ten to twenty years ago i would say don't be afraid of who you are um be authentic um more importantly with yourself hmm erase from my memory uh boy that's a good one hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm uh wow erase from my memory uh i would say when i told when i told my dad that he should act like a father maybe i shouldn't yeah there was um that was actually one of the times i another time i went off usually with him um uh basically i had decided not to go to a private um not to go away for college um so i went i decided to stay local so i can look after my little brother and um my senior year i was overloading with everything i had maybe like uh four a_p classes i was working at i was working three jobs at the time and i was also in track and field so needless to say i was i i i i was kinda like burning myself i was kinda like burning myself out and um i wasn't doing well in a_p calculus because i decided to go to a j_c first and transfer also to save money for college too and when i told him you know the teacher called saying i was falling asleep in class um just because mind you after school i'd work an eight hour shift 'cause i was a retail manager at the time so um and i'd come home after that shift to do homework mm calculus let alone um so uh um he would get upset and i told him i spoke with my counselor i already told him that i don't need that class to go to the j_c isn't something that i continue with so i'm just gonna i can't drop out at that point in time so i'm just gonna you know you know just just take the d or fail whatever and he didn't he didn't like that 'cause he is a teacher i think maybe that's what maybe where it came from he's a teacher as well um and so he started blaming like my jobs and wanting to call my boss and it was it was just too much and i told him you know since you're my father you should act like it but i was it was a more aggressive way i said it so that was um one thing oh i actually i do i i do remember i do regret one thing um and that is i wish i continued um with college throughout like i i burnt myself out um i was spreading myself too thin there was actually i was actually on track to graduate from college at i wanna say nineteen 'cause i started taking college classes in high school starting sophomore year in high school but i with that that stuff and the stuff with my dad and working i just kinda like stopped going to school for a while and just worked but i went back to finish so but i wish i just would've continued maybe that's one small thing but that's something small though yeah hmm i'm very um i'm a very compassionate and understanding person um i like learning new things um i'm a very very happy person people come to me for advice i'm very objective i'll tell you the good the bad the ugly and um yeah those are some of my best qualities yeah and i'm fun i like to have fun i'll have fun in any situation i can make light of any situation like i'm the kinda type type of person i can break the tension in the room that's sort of that sort of uh um personality trait yeah wish i was taller um uh besides my height hmm i wish ah maybe i don't know if it's uh be more i won't say be more in touch with my emotions but i think i would say understanding people's how people feel about me in their shoes i think that would be one thing because i'm the type of person where people say that they love me or care about me and i'm like okay great thank you i appreciate that but i don't realize how much they do i think that's a realizing how much they care and love me that's one thing i would like to get more of a grasp on my best friend uh she describes me as someone who's funny crazy um objective um loyal um ambitious hardworking um mean when i just make jokes she says you're so mean but um just i just i i i just like to i joke around all the time and so um we were right now we're actually planning um uh a friend of mine or a friend of ours um a baby shower i'm giving her some ideas and there's another friend who was invited who we had some issues in the past and someone i don't talk to or hang out with we used to be really close but i don't really talk to that person but i don't mind them being there so she also talked about having celebrating her birthday also at kinda like after the baby shower and there is another friend whose birthday was before the baby shower who we really didn't do anything for and i'm like well if we're celebrating this person's birthday might as well we should definitely you know honor this person's birthday as well since we're closer to you know the person xxx birthday's passed and i said you know what just why don't we celebrate everybody's birthday forget the baby shower just do the birthdays and then that's when that's when she said you're so mean but she was laughing about it so yeah yeah uh most proud of in my in my life uh i would say being there for my family being being a a mentally and emotionally strong person family's gone through a lot of challenges and a lotta times i've been the one to make sure everything goes okay and everything make sure everything make sure everything goes accordingly um so i'd say more than anything making sure i was there for my family yeah oh okay thank you bye have a good one,0 +367, yes i'm okay um i'm a little pensive i guess a little uh down but more or less okay i was born in annapolis maryland on the east coast originally i moved because i went to film school um and but then i decided to come i moved to washington d_c to do some work and now i'm back here again it's very different um being from the east coast it just has a different feel to it um but living l_a is very has a very different kind of um attitude i guess and so it's a little difficult but i but i've gotten more used to it since i've been here uh not at all um when i left things got things were sort of i i lost my job out there and so i had to move out here kind of quick to um to be with uh some people who were gonna help me out and i'm just sort of i don't know if estranged is the right word but i'm just kind of not really speaking to my family or old friends that often it's not easy it's it's kind of um i miss i miss a lot of people i miss my old life before i lost my job um i miss um some friends um i miss a lot of the relationships that i had out there um so it's difficult i mean it weighs on my mind a lot um i feel like i failed and now i'm here and i can't seem to get back on my feet so it's it's it's hard depends on the situation i think i'm outgoing when i'm comfortable um and then i'm extremely outgoing but when i'm in a situation i'm not comfortable with i tend to be a lot more shy so that doesn't really answer your question but um [clears throat] i have certain i do i do a lot of writing um i have certain music that i listen to as i'm writing and when i can when i can get really into that and sort of shut out the rest of the world um the music and the the thoughts just kind of happening really um it can it soothes me it's like it's when i feel most relaxed i guess um a few weeks ago i guess i was i'd been working on a book on a on a on a novel and when i was really when i was really getting into writing it and um it was really working for me that was that was good that was really good i felt like i was accomplishing something and i felt really relaxed um it was about a guy who is searching for something it's it's uh it's his last day on earth and so he's going to find a person that he that he met and just was so struck by that he needs to he needs to find her and spend the last few minutes that he has on earth with her just because sort of uh it's sort of romantic adventure comedy kind of thing well i've always i've always been a writer part of the reason i came to l_a was because of screenwriting um so i wrote some screenplays and uh you know had a little success with that out here and but since since then i've kind of gotten tired of the limitations of the screenwriting and i've started to write more short stories and and longer just creative writing so i i've been meaning to write a novel but i was just waiting for the idea to to really hit me it's not easy the [exhale] the parts the parts when it's good it's really good but getting there is sometimes a real struggle um i find it difficult i have a real love hate relationship with writing when i when i love it i just absolutely love it but sometimes i hate it because it's so difficult um but it's worth it for the times when it's when it's good good i don't i don't really have a temper i it's not i mean most of my anger that i have is directed inward as opposed to outward to other people um if something is really really stressful or if i'm in a situation like a very intense confrontation i can lose it but i probably that's probably only happened to me three four times in my whole life i mean generally i pretty much try to it when i'm upset i i get upset with myself not with other people um last night i guess well um i got in an argument about whether or not cleaning vegetables was necessary because of i forget it but it well no it was about whether you can clean vegetables after you cut them because i'd already started cutting the vegetables and i thought that would be okay so it turned into this big argument and we did google searches to figure out who was right and who was wrong and i i ended up being wrong on that one but it is yeah that was it wasn't a blow up argument but it was a definite argument um uh a lot so much um uh i i i was in uh a relationship that i really really um that i really wanted to work and uh i ended up and it was partly due to i hadn't i was on i wasn't on the right medication and so i was going at like everything sort of spiraled out of control and i feel really guilty about the way that that ended and i mean i wasn't i wasn't mean but i was but i was getting more and more messed up and i couldn't stop it and it ended and so i feel really guilty about not doing enough and and not and and you know making her have to tell me that she never wanted to see me again so that was pretty that was pretty tough well some of it was was that i wasn't medicated properly i mean now i've been to a doctor and i'm on medication that's completely kind of i mean i still get i still get upset and i still get depressed but it's not like it was it's not i don't completely lose it for days at a time um so i mean i know there's a part of me that knows logically that it wasn't all my fault and that if i had if i had been able to deal with the chemicals in my brain then i would've then it would've probably be different if i was who i am now then i would've i would i would be i would be it probably would have gone very differently or maybe it wouldn't have but i mean i could have i don't know i don't know if i could've done anything different things being how they were i mean it's it's possible uh i mean obviously yeah because i mean that's what i do i i take little things i mean i take little things and i just think about them all the time in my head until until it drives me crazy i dwell on stuff um and it's like any little detail that comes up i suddenly remember and it can just throw me off for a whole day i mean i still i still get i still get really uncomfortable and embarassed and then feel ashamed about stuff that i did in high school which was years and years ago which i shouldn't even be thinking about anymore 'cause it's so in the past but i still get that feeling like i'm right back there well it's it's not easy i've been trying to figure out ways to deal with it i i mean i dealt with it for a long time by by by drinking and and you know just trying to like slow my mind down that way um but you know since the medication it's been better it hasn't been impossible to deal with it hasn't been easy but it's but it's been better um well like i said i do a lot of you know if i'm if i'm writing or if i'm doing anything like i kind of have to almost be doing two things at once to occupy my brain completely um if i'm watching t_v i have to be playing a game on my phone if i'm using i'm the computer i have to be you know watching a t_v show or a movie on you know on in another window so that i can just keep my mind occupied during all of that um i just need i mean i i wish that i could just sort of let the thoughts come and deal with them but i just i can't yet they're triggered by everything pretty much anything that i that i see if i if i if i hear somebody with a dutch last name if i if i hear somebody talk about wisconsin if i hear you know people talk about just anything you know i can reach back and connect to to this it's really it's really i don't know that's the thing i mean i don't ever get a break from it yeah um i don't know i'm a very light sleeper so i awake and asleep and awake and asleep i have no problem going back to sleep but i generally you know don't i don't know i never really needed much sleep so it's just only recently that i've really started to to like feel the effects of not getting enough sleep like i would i would usually stay up until two or three in the morning so that i could just be so exhausted that i could just conk out and wake up the next day and feel fine go to work um but now it's it's it's like if i do that i can't i still don't get enough sleep i don't conk out i still just sleep very lightly you know i get up i toss and turn all night you know and now it's just it's yeah i don't sleep too great right now um pretty i mean i don't know it's hard to it's hard to know i i usually just kind of power through it and just i'm uh i'm like how i am now just i just feel bad um i think about three three four years ago um it was when i i had been given taking stuff for anxiety for for years before that but then i finally got a psychiatrist who actually sat down and talked to me and said you've actually got this situation and we need to get you on the medication that you're on is not working you need to get on this new medication that will actually start to like even you out and heal you a little bit from all this so so yeah that was that was kind of a a turning point but unfortunately it happened after everything uh went bad so i don't know in the moment i don't know i don't really think i thought about it too much then but looking back on it i feel it really makes me angry it really makes me you know given where i am right now it makes me really angry that i'm that i had to that i i lost everything because because of chemicals in my brain because of things that i couldn't control and that you know the people that were supposed to help me weren't helping me i mean i was paying i was paying a lot of money to to go see doctors and they were doing and they you know it wasn't it was it didn't help it didn't work until until you know i managed to find somebody who did work and i just yeah so i'm i'm like thanks guys for helping but it was a little it's a little late now um there really wasn't any choice i had to i was i was a mess i was it was either i was i was self medicating it was affecting my work i mean it was everything was just at there was a point where i really realized that i mean i just had to like make this different but again it was too late because you know then my review came up a few months later and you know after after everything after being institutionalized once or twice and all this stuff you know they just decided that i was just not worth keeping around so they laid me off but it was at least that and not firing me but but but yeah but so i got help but it was but it wasn't soon enough uh not not as much as i should um i go to a couple of meetings i go to i go to a_a so that i can um you know keep control of that aspect too too and there's a there's a therapy aspect to that um unfortunately you know being unemployed my unemployment ran out you know i'm i'm you know i'm getting my medication from the city of l_a so you know i'm not really in a position to put money into seeing somebody so i have a psychiatrist that i go see but it's really very i've i've only seen her three times in the past year so it's basically to keep my medication coming and then there's you right well like i said i mean just the talk i mean the the let's just take the a_a for example because that's probably the closest closest for that i'm seeing with therapy for now um just saying stuff outloud is just like getting getting this stuff out trying to figure out how to take that mess that's in your stomach and in your brain and make it into words and sentences that make sense that you can actually deal with is a big step like regardless of who you're saying it to whether it's a therapist or just a room full of of drunks you know i mean you're you're taking all that stuff that's that's really been killing you and you're making it into something you can deal with something that you can write down something that you can talk about as opposed to just letting it just sit there as this formless thing yeah um you know better than i than i have been um i mean it it sort of it goes it has its ups and downs um you know i'm applying for jobs five six jobs or more a a day you know and never getting a response never getting an interview never even getting close to to to being self sufficient again um it's hard but that's like real world problems i feel like the chemical parts are getting under control like the the depression is getting under control so now it's just i have to deal with real life which is it just has its it's just its own own challenge yeah um it was probably you know a couple years ago um i i was i mean the thing that immediately comes to mind uh is everything was going well at my job i was making these great videos with with this person that i that iwas having a relationship with and we were really close we were having fun together and we went out and got a christmas tree and we spent the all this time picking out the perfect christmas tree and it was just feeling like a part of somebody's life and feeling like a part of the bigger the bigger life that's that's out there you know like what normal people feel you know for that instant i felt like a normal person doing a normal thing with a pretty girl who he really really liked a lot and you know everything was going really well and i mean it wasn't going really well because it was all messed up but for that instant i felt like a normal person a normal happy person and part of what makes it so hard now is knowing that i don't know if i'll ever feel that again so um probably the probably this educational educational series i did uh an educational uh video series i did for the national science foundation um it was it it was really hard and it but in the end it turned out really good and you know i'm hoping that it helps a lot of kids and it helps the world with getting kids excited about science and about um and about the world around them so that i feel like that was a real contribution that i made to the world oh it was part of you know it was part of my my job um it was it was a we were trying to come up with with new ideas uh for because we would put together videos and stuff to give you know to to schools and everything and they had done those before but we decided to do something really big you know and there was a lot of traveling and there was a lot of um and there was a lot to it and so it was probably the biggest project that the n_s_f had decided to do and so we just kind of produced it right that doesn't yeah um i guess i don't know uh i don't know it's been a it's been a while since i've really thought about that i don't know would i go somewhere would i i i i don't know thank you,1 +368, yeah i'm okay with it um i'm okay i'm okay um i guess scrubbed_entry i'm basically an l_a kinda guy cool um you know the weather it's usually pretty sunny and and temperate you know i like the the climate really a lot uh i like the girls here you know um i like uh let's see i don't like the traffic you know but um i like the hispanic population quite a bit you know um and i have a lot of friends here so i guess you know i don't wanna be anywhere else i mean like i said the traffic you know i was on the four o five you know that's always kinda you know crummy the cost of living that's really you know terrible about l_a it's always expensive and um you know i really don't like i really don't like you know the the like it just seems like um l_a's one of those places where like you're you know you either have like a a you know a ton of money and fame and fortune or like you know you're down in the you know the ghettos you know i have i've been to a couple places um uh you know but very brief you know mostly it was for school um i went to arizona and new york and montana lot of the anthropology like you know and archaeology field trips and things like that um nothing i'm doing in right now uh i like getting away from um the city you know i was in yosemite last year you know in the summer for vacation that was kinda nice you know yosemite was really um really neat to see but uh just basically getting away from the city i guess you know getting away from the job getting away from um the stress here uh i actually studied political science and i also studied economics um i'm a big kind of a political you know junkie you know to begin with so i naturally kinda fell in line with that kinda field of study i was i was but i lost my job and you know that's kind of a bummer you know um i lost it's uh geez it's already been maybe a year and a half by now maybe two years and um you know the economy uh got bad and the budget cuts got bad and you know um i wish i was working there again uh well i um wanted to be a lawyer at one time i wanted to be a lawyer and i um and that's why i took political science and i took a double major in economics and uh the sad thing is the sad thing i i regret is i eh you know to get into law school you have to take this entrance exam called the lsats and i studied for it like really hardcore you know for about a year and i took the xxx test and like a idiot um i didn't feel right about the that day it was kind of an off day and you know it was like you know the big game at the superbowl you you know i just um i don't i don't feel like i did well and i canceled the test and so um you know i kinda regret that you know tell me about it um i'm not really shy at all i'm definitely not shy um but outgoing i mean not one of these people i'm not flamboyent you know um i i'll talk to people i don't mind talking to people i don't mind um meeting meeting people that's fine with me but it's not like i'm you know dying to to dying to meet anybody you know i guess um these days uh you know i play guitar you know i taught myself how to play guitar um uh yeah thank you thank you i you know i i should've i should actually be doing more of it but i also like to exercise um uh i'm on a diet right now but my diet's been terrible time the eating habits have been terrible but the exercise part is just great i love to exercise i love to run that's one of my best things to do for stress is like run and like work out um i just wish that my eating habits were were in line uh or a little bit better you know um my temper could be you know definitely improved uh a lot you know um you know a lotta times i i feel i'm one of these introvert types persons when it comes to like you know i don't mind being extrovert or like meeting people and like having a good time whatever when uh when i'm mad i really don't wanna be you know talking to people i don't like to yell i don't like to scream i don't like to hit i don't like to fight i kinda close down a lot i don't i just wanna be left alone sometimes i tend to drag it on for longer than it should be you know uh the wife doesn't like it too much and maybe i you know i just don't i just don't wanna talk about it i just don't wanna deal with it i kinda close down and shut you know shut off for a little bit geez um you know it doesn't happen too often maybe with my wife you know we were probably something silly who knows who knows um the thing i i mean i don't have a lotta guilt i don't do anything like to make me ever feel like you know that bad of a person you know um there are things that like you know um i call minor sins you know i get white lies or whatever you know but like nothing like so atrocious that makes me feel like guilty um let's see i guess sometimes you know um you know i i'm a married guy but i you know sometimes there are times you know i like to you know smile at a girl or like you know get a girl's attention you know i don't know i never go i never do anything about it i never get their phone number or like you know but sometimes i like to like talk to people i guess you know well that's a good question i guess i guess you know see i always handle it the same there's not i don't ever wish to ever to ever change i i never wanna like handle things differently i always kinda i'm pretty comfortable the way i handle things and you know i think that um i could be a lot worse and like you know shouting and screaming and hitting and this and that and that's just not me um you know i think the best thing to do you know is kinda like get a lot of breathing room a lotta space and um i don't wish for that to change or to handle any of that differently i just don't basically know what else to do you know um and you know the last thing i wanna do is start talking about you know feelings or any of this you know that's the last thing i wanna do and so like i don't wish that i handle things like that differently in that way well um you know i'm pretty happy with my family right now um you know if i'm married and we have a baby along the way which is kinda nice um we have some cats thank you thank you we have cats and a dog a weenie dog and um my mom i i love my mom dearly um uh she has diabetes which you know she doesn't control you know she doesn't control it and like it like uh it affects her health and it always has me worried about her and like stressing out about her and and she could do so much to like prevent it and she doesn't and um you know i have a good relationship with my mom i i love her dear dearly and i actually have a good relationship with everybody i think i think i have a ton ton of of family and friends um that get along with me pretty well actually you know yeah um there are times well i mean it's pretty easy for me to go to sleep actually i i feel like you know i sleep like a baby um the only problem i have i think is i feel like um you know sometimes like you fall asleep and you have you you're just going to sleep and you kinda like jolt you know like you almost kinda like fall eh it's like a falling sensation or something like that and it doesn't happen eh that often but it happens and um but for the most time part um no i sleep like a rock i sleep really good well right now generally i've been feeling um worried and and anxious and um you know uh and tense and the reason why is 'cause i said my mom um right well at least today well i found out my mom something she didn't tell me the whole story and i'm kinda waiting 'til this is over so we can i can find out what's wrong with her but um you know i'm worried about her she's in the hospital she's in the doctors right now so that doesn't tell me anything good and um you know um trying to find a job so that has me worried too and you know the baby along the way so that has me worried so i feel like you know overwhelmed with a just a lotta like you know things to do and like and um a lot on my a lot on my plate and like a lot of it doesn't have anything to do with me but i have to handle it like you know so like i guess well um i keep myself distracted i keep myself busy i i feel like a busybody you know and the more um which kinda seems you know seems like it's not a good thing because i feel like i'm just adding more things on my plate so um you know like one of the things i do is like exercise and so i have to work out every day you know but that takes an hour that takes an hour to like you know change change and you just start running and like go through the whole thing of stretching and and cooling down that takes it takes some time and then like to shower all that kinda stuff takes takes time so but i have to do it daily so i cope with it in that way i also cope with it too you know playing guitar but that just more of a distraction you know what i mean keeping you know keeping busy that way it just seems like it's not you know um working towards you know the goals you know that i need to do like you know finding finding a job which i should be doing but then um you know it's one of those things where like i find like there's no good jobs i've been looking and looking and like sometimes when i do it it it's just not what i wanna do it just doesn't seem like like i wanna like uh do any of these like terrible jobs i xxx it's you know it's it's probably harder than i'm thinking about it because sometimes i i i feel like um you know one of these things is like uh i feel like um it is hard but it's not i mean there are ways i can cope with it you know i just gotta kinda i kind of accepted it a lot you know i kinda internalized it and like uh you know it's not something that's like i'm not out on the streets or anything like that but uh you know it is a worry i've never been diagnosed with p_t_s_d i used to work with no no man uh ten years ago i don't know uh let's see the last time i was really happy maybe i mean nothing i feel like nothing makes me happy no more you know um i learned a new song on the guitar feel i i feel like not even happy about that you know i feel like um you know i work sometimes and that kinda makes me happy you know running like you know fast and working out but that doesn't make me so excited or anything like that it just makes me feel good you know so i i have these these these times where i'm just you know feeling good about myself and i'm feeling you know but i'm never feeling great i'm never feeling happy i'm never feeling like so sensationalized like you know and and and uh you know incredible that you know um it just eh you know there's these there's these mild times where there's a a few good times you know and a few bad times but the good times are no never never never extremes you know never really good times and never really you know atrocious bad times you know well i wish this diet would work out a little bit better you know but that's kinda hard you know 'cause i'm the kinda guy who just likes who just likes you know um you know rice and and like uh mexican food and like you know um and to snack and uh i don't know um i just feel like that could i could change i wish i could change my eating habits that way i can like you know 'cause i work out so much i feel like i do so much running and so much activity that like um you know that if i got my you know diet in check um you know that that would um go a long way um i wish i also can change you know um my my my uh i guess my my desire to like you know get ahead like right now i feel just so um like the economy's so bad and like things are so um rough that you know it's like pointless to even like you know look for these kinda jobs so like it just seems like i just wish i had a little bit more inspiration a lot more motivation to like to um do things the one thing i regret is is not is not um you know is this this lsat thing you know um you know not uh uh canceling the test to begin with 'cause i'm sure i could've got into a a school but then again like you know it has me thinking like do i really wanna pay a bunch of like you know law school tuition and the cost of that and like you know just to um just to be piled on with more work and things like that eh i don't know it just doesn't seem like like uh i mean there is a this idea of justice and and um and republicanism and you know things that i really you know adhere to that um i fall in love with and that i don't wanna get away from but it just seems like it's a like it's a ton of work and money and just to like um it for the smalls percentage of success that that you know you might not be really doing that kinda field you might you know i might it just doesn't seem like like um it's worth overcoming the obstacles i need to overcome ugh i have no idea i would i would twenty years ago i would tell myself maybe um you know i think i've done everything really well for myself except for the the lsat thing you know which i i you know regret on one hand on the other hand you know i i'm not sure if i regret 'cause like eh about the bills and all that kinda stuff i told you about and you know i think uh you know i i've waited to get married i waited to have a kid i've i've you know pretty cautious about the decisions you know i don't take drugs i don't drink i don't fight i don't do any of these like things that like you know that i think that real people have you know um and then they they really like you know ruin their life you know so like i'm pretty happy and content with being you know the cautious you know uh i don't know oh my best friend i think he he kinda like
  • he likes me he wishes that i would do more things with him but he works at night and and you know it's one of those things i think most people not just my best friend but my wife and might be but rest of my family feel that i don't put a lot of time and attention to them i mean they think that i'm pretty great when i do give 'em the my time of day and my attention but um i don't know if i'm really there all the time you know i don't know if i'm really you know i'm always thinking about something else i'm always thinking about something different i don't i don't know if i really can give 'em eh a a real you know shoulder to cry on or you know if they ask for something you know i'll i'll usually do it you know but i almost feel like it's like a chore like you know like if they you know if they really need me then i'll do it you know eh if they're just asking for a favor i almost feel you know i do it half you know with a lotta lackluster lotta half-heartedness i just feel and it's not because i hate 'em or anything i really like 'em it's just that i feel like i almost i don't wanna say i owe it to them but the mere fact that i'm their friend makes them somehow um you know uh like i eh it it makes me like you know they rely on me some you know times or like i don't wanna let 'em down they are my friends but it's the same time i i just feel like it's it's more it's not it's not it's more of like a chore to do instead of a a willingness like a oh my god like i just wanna help you it's never it's never like that it's just something that i do because i have kinda have to you know you gotta you know gotta do things for your friends you know in the end because they're your friends you know and i in in the end i do like 'em and they probably would do it for me and i you know so i just do these things you know just um well there are a couple a things that i do like uh that i've good i feel good about myself you know um you know i ran the l_a marathon that kinda feels good you know i've graduated from college that kinda feels good you know what i mean but the thing is i don't feel like like that proud of myself for you know those things alone like graduating from college you know hasn't really made me successful you know what i mean um running the marathon hasn't made me thin and trim so they're like half merits you know or like they're they're great you know lotta people maybe not half done it a lotta people have excelled further but um you know they're kinda like stepping stones that like that um i've seal real new no life lifelong benefit from doing other than the fact that i can say that i've done yeah yeah no problem no problem thank you for your time you know um hope you enjoy you know uh being in this computer oh goodbye i'm gonna press this button now,1 +369, sure yeah i'm doing great thank you for asking um you know how about yourself oh awesome uh i'm from guatemala my parents here migrated here to the united states when i was like three years old so yeah mhm yeah it's pretty cool you know uh i haven't been there actually i haven't been back to my hometown since forever uh just you know i have all my family here my mom my dad my cousins aunts uncle so practically i i have my my life here so i probably i mean it would be nice to visit but you know it just does my curiousity hasn't you know gone there i guess oh okay um i love the people everyone's nice i love the diversity you know there's different types of people and you know the imaginations out there everything is just great you know everyone's different you know no one's like the same at at least to some aspects um and i love the scenery i love the you know mountains they're beautiful you know great for hikes you know taking out you know the dog the family you know it's nice it's pretty active yeah uh the smog uh i don't like the smog it's just you know if you go out um further out you know you could tell by the air you know or you know everything's clearer the sky is bluer um but other than that like you know and traffic nobody likes traffic i think yeah yeah but um yeah that's you know pretty much l_a is pretty nice you know it's i like it um well i was studying just basic you know um i'm not sure exactly what i wanna be so it's just kind of you know here and there just jumping through hoops and stuff so not really set yet it's just i'm still trying to find my interests i suppose so um my dream job hm that's a good one um i love working with children so i would say probably a child psychologist just 'cause you know it's great you know to learn what's going on in the young minds and you know how we could help children develop a better way you know make children you know or help you know help them you know grow up in a positive way i supposed instead of like going the wrong track yeah i just you know help children uh it depends it depends on the situation i'm in sometimes you know i could be like super outgoing and just like you know and sometimes like it just i could be all quiet or whatnot and just paying attention you know if i'm like in class or whatever i don't really like and there's everyone talking i just i'd prefer just to stay away from that you know 'cause i need something else to concentrate on something else you know there's like a moment and time for everything i suppose yeah um i like to kick my feet up on the couch and like read a good book you know just get my mind going to another you know galaxy or universe or situation you know it's pretty fun you know just you know reading and then just having just yourself relaxed and you know feeling good yeah it is it's just fun i love reading um i'm okay with it i'm not like the best you know temper controlling person there is out there you know i try my best and i guess that's all i could do until i keep doing better eventually but i'm not like the best i mean i sometimes i do have my outbursts you know um but you know i guess that's everyone i'm not sure haha you know uh huh that's a good question um hm i don't remember uh let's see uh honestly i can't recall maybe uh my goodness i i don't know i've i've uh sometimes i'm very passive that i'll just like let things go 'cause i mean what's the point of making a big deal out of things you know so um huh i don't know i'm not i i i can't honestly i can't tell you that at this moment sure yeah probably come back to it um huh well i guess when i was younger i you know uh could've been better older sister and i i wasn't and that makes me feel guilty for sure you know i could've been a better sister better role model you know but i'm trying my best now so i'm trying to make things better and it's working yeah woo um i guess huh hm i don't know i mean i'm the person that i am because of the events that have happened in my life so if i erase something then it just there's something of me in my present self or you know that would change and i don't know i'm pretty okay with the person that i am now i mean you know i don't think i would change an event you know i'm i'm okay with what you know ups and downs and good and bad that has happened so yeah uh i can't see your shoes but um i don't travel a lot um but i am kind of like an explorer i guess i love to explore like even the smallest things like if i go hiking i go off trail and you know just find my way up to the top you know somehow some way and just make it you know um traveling uh i would love to do that but i don't know just you know always circumstances in my life that doesn't you know always something you know i'm getting married children you know and all this so it's kind of like you know it would be nice i guess you know it would be nice you know i love camping that's kind of like you know it's taking a few days trips out there camping and you know fishing yeah um hm it was this summer you know me and my husband went camping and it was really nice it was just me and him you know and it was like no one and it was like beautiful because it was just in the middle of the woods with a beautiful lake and you know it was it was really nice it just yeah yeah yeah yeah it was it was it was really fun it was like i would love to do it again you know right now it would be great you know just going out there it's just i love the adventure of things and the nature and just life and you know overall yeah uh it's it's easy but lately i haven't been able to sleep like at night right away because i don't know just you know just i'm laying there and i'm just like trying to go to sleep and i'm just like ugh but eventually i do you know i just i probably like need to position myself on a different side of the bed like sometimes i'm i'm in the headboard and i'm like ah i gotta go to the other side and once i position myself then i just like go to sleep you know but it just i gotta find the position the right position for me yeah um i'm tired i get tired throughout throughout the day you know but i kind of try to shake it off you know and just kind of like feel like it's a new day you know and just try to make the day that i have as great as possible you know and then try to like make it up by sleeping at night the day of you know so yeah yeah yeah it's just you know it's okay i try to make it the best i guess if not then i just go to sleep throughout the day which sucks but yeah uh no no uh been feeling good yeah i've been feeling really good um you know a lot of things in my life have you know it i'm having a really good year so far so i'm very happy with that you know everything's you know going good you know yeah it is it is except that i i just got out of a cold and it was horrible but that's just nature my immune system has to work harder yeah um super happy was uh when the doctor told me i was pregnant you know i was really really happy about that and i was just like ah you know that was really really good you know very excited and just reading about what's going on with my body and what's going on with the baby and oh that's very overwhelming and it's scary at the same time i've never really like uh you know but yeah i've yeah very happy uh um i don't know um i guess just me myself i uh you know like you know i could you know just be myself and that's it you know just i can't really you know say i have specific thing i guess i mean it depends on the person that meets me to tell me i can't really tell myself like oh i'm this i'm that just you know just try to be my best and try to portray something good for other people to tell me or you know compliment me or what not yeah um nothing i think um like i said i'm i'm happy with the person i am right now and you know my flaws or whatever you know i might have whatever flaw people see in me and it'ts okay you know i'm okay with it whatever it just i'm not gonna i'm i can't change myself for the likings of other people i have only one body and one life so yeah yeah that's it uh just my childhood with my sisters and my family but you know it's you know i you learn from that you learn from the past and you kind of feel like hey you know maybe i should be a better role model you know for my children and so my children could be better role models so the world could just improve um just smile and be happy you know and whatever hard things happen you know you're gonna get through them eventually you know the only thing you can't um i don't know you can't you know go back on is death you know you could you know the heartbreak or it's whatever but you know as long as i'm alive i'm just i still gotta keep going yeah um i don't know um that's pretty huh most proud of i guess that i'm trying my best to be the best i could be and that's pretty powerful you know i i'm you know i try to be you know a better person each day and try to like you know improve myself every day as much as i can you know that would probably be something i could be super proud of you know as much as i can very hard i'm not gonna lie um it is really hard you know 'cause i can't say you know it's easy to be bad but it's hard to be good you know and you know it's it's always challenges and everything that goes you know in your life but you know it's just it's it's sometimes you know hard you know and sometimes it comes easy you know after a while you get a lot of practice and everything's just like you have a great day and you didn't even try you know so yeah um you know loving friendly um outgoing you know adventurous i guess i don't know i guess that's what they say i i just you know that's them like you know but that's what at least what i try to be you know at least i try to give a the best foot forward always as much as possible you know even sometimes even if i'm having a rough day i'm just like uh you know you know i just i don't wanna take it out on anyone or anything you know yeah um my ideal weekend usually i i like going to the park i like sitting down in like a tree under a tree actually under a tree where there's shade and just kind of like put my blanket out there have my dog and like read a book and you know sometimes if i don't have my dog like there's little squirrels running around and they like me to feed them so that's pretty neat you know just sitting there and just enjoying the air and the noise noise i guess 'cause there's not silence you know the wind and the cars and you know it's just it's really neat yeah awesome thank you you're welcome bye,0 +370, yeah i'm doing pretty okay thanks for asking how are you uh i'm from here in l_a i grew up in the san fernando valley yeah uh well i i like the the diversity of people the different kinds of food you can eat i like um the outdoor opportunities i grew up close to the hills so i i did a lot of hiking um camping is pretty close by i've gone snowboarding um i like eh the familiarity i think and you know it's it's a big city and uh you know i'm pretty familiar with it having lived here for so long that that i i i would say i like that too probably the number one thing that everybody says i don't like traffic i don't like being stuck in traffic i don't like uh the long commutes even you know for short distances um and then you know it gets really hot in the summer at times so you know that eh i could stand it being a little slightly cooler when it gets to its peak peak heat but that's fine wow my dream job uh that's a great question i i think my dream job would probably be uh you know maybe being able to travel and somehow make money off of it profit off it you know make gainful employment off of traveling but that's almost an unrealistic dream since i don't know if i would actually wanna do that but if if i had to pick some kind of dream existence you know traveling getting paid to travel meeting new people trying new things and being able to make a living out of that would be pretty fun well i like like i mentioned what i like about l_a i like trying different kinds of food different cuisines so i think trying authentic cuisines in different places and meeting different kinds of people seeing different ways of life uh would be eh is what i like about traveling um i i like experiencing new things um i think that would be nice you know despite the fact that i said i like the familiarity of l_a there's also fun in discovering new things so i i think travel when i travel that's that's what i like to do just check new things out um so i would like to be you know if i could make a living doing that that would be great uh one of my trips okay well let's see the the last trip i i took um lemmi think of one one one more exciting trip um well my my family is from eastern europe so one of the trips i took with my parents when i was fourteen was i i went to um austria hungary and romania and uh you know getting to see some of those old castles i'd been a few times before but i it was when i was little so i don't really have too much memory plus i didn't really process things quite the same as when i was kinda more of age so i got to see you know my family's old uh you know hometown you know uh we have a family um like tomb so i got to see that then just these old buildings and just the different way of life i i i really liked that uh you know seeing my parents old friends um you know and so that was pretty fun it was very different it was like really my first time being taken away from my my home environment you know i i left in the middle of the school year um so it was just like going from you know suburban america to traveling around kind of uh you know taking these old trains and seeing these castles and these old like hundreds of year old towns and it i i don't know if um it was for everyone you know i don't know if it would be great for everybody but i i really enjoyed it uh that's that's a good question i do uh i probably one of the things i do is either turn on like a rerun of a sitcom um i used to i i watch the office a lot so i kinda know when that's on so i'll i'll turn that on you know just uh kind of zone out a little bit to uh you know like familiar characters and and hearing jokes that are still funny for some reason or um maybe like uh eating some kinda comfort food you know i try not to eat too much fast food at all but uh like in n' out i really like going there so if i have to unwind um you know it's once every few months maybe i'll do that uh or i really like to read um especially like uh i'll read the day's events you know that that really relaxes me for some reason even if it's reading about something some conflict going on somewhere in the world i i still i'll read the headlines and i really like to know what's going on that kind of centers me um so i i really enjoy that that's something i do to relax i would say i'm pretty great at it although i don't i think my nature makes it pretty uh easy makes that pretty easy i don't i don't get very upset upset um easily at all so i it's not much of a challenge to control my temper eh um yeah i don't i don't really have anger issues i it's it's difficult for me to get angry uh so i don't i don't i don't really have much trouble with that at all the last time i argued with somebody was probably i don't even know i i i mean small disagreements you know i might've had uh with family or friends about things but just a full on argument i i i i can't even remember it's been years i i don't really argue too much i try to avoid conflict as much as possible in my my personal life i don't um really see anything to be gained by and i kind of uh naturally repel away from it so i don't sorry i don't i don't have much to say about arguing something i feel guilty about i would say that uh you know sometimes i eh sometimes i don't really um i feel like i maybe haven't made the most of my potential yet in life i i think that i could definitely do more despite the fact that i work a lot um i i feel like i there's always more opportunities uh out there that that we're missing i feel like you know sometimes down time i feel a little bit guilty about that because there's always something that i could be doing that i'm not even if it's just putting away the laundry that that's been um i took out of the dryer that's been sitting there or running late i really don't like running late um although it happens more than i'd like to i'd and i don't know why i feel guilty about that i don't like keeping people wait waiting because it makes it feel like uh you know my time is somehow more valuable than theirs which is obviously not true um hmm um nothing immediately comes to mind i well the last car accident i got into i it was a few years ago i guess i i wish it hadn't have happened not that i wish i i've could erase it from my memory but i eh was um driving in rush hour traffic and you know i i thought the cars in front of me were were going um you know at least for a little you know ten fifteen feet but it turns out they had they had stopped so it was a you know xxx slow rear-end collision but it was still very unfortunate i was just uh you know it felt like i was paying attention one second and the next second you know i was just like reaching for something on the in the passenger seat and then i i smacked into the car in front of me and uh i i wish that hadn't've happened absolutely uh i know i know it's a minor thing but it was just really unfortunate the timing of it was very bad you know for me financially and the the people i got into an accident with were fine but i was you know they they you know didn't ask for anything beyond repairing the damages but uh it was just uh horrible timing um so i i wish that hadn't've happened it does suck it did suck i'm over it now but eh yeah it it does suck well i'm a pretty good sleeper i although i i'm naturally wired to be up later at night so unfortunately my unfortunately my job um allows me affords me a pretty flexible schedule but at on the same token uh i wish i could were like hard-wired to go to sleep earlier because i just i wind up staying up 'til one or two every night uh and it's just too late you know even though i could get a full eight hours or whatnot of sleep it's not always at night time you know half my sleep is like in the kinda early daylight hours and i i wish i were more um able to sleep you know go to sleep at like ten or eleven and then sleep uh and then wake up earlier as opposed to going to sleep later and waking up later i've been pretty feeling pretty good i i've been i have no complaints physically and you know health-wise i feel good um you know my relationships with my my family and friends are good uh um everything is great so far i i have absolutely no no real complaints uh as far as how i'm feeling about myself or anything like that no no i've been fairly consistent with my behavior and my thoughts i think that um everything has been been pretty okay pretty steady no no nothing traumatic nothing um kinda resurfacing from the past nothing of the sort has has happened or is happening no no well i think there's plenty of things everybody regrets uh yeah yeah there's there's plenty of things um in my life uh yeah like i said i i do regret uh you know maybe not trying harder in my younger days you know i there's a period of time in my early twenties where i i didn't work for a while i just uh i hung out with a lot of friend you know i guess it was like the proverbial bad crowd you know none of us worked we just uh you know we we got high every day um or it seemed like every day i don't know it was just uh eh but it was a it was kinda like a throw-away period in my life i would say that um it's important to to to engage with the world i think i i think i kinda dropped out from the world a little bit i think it's also i would say that it's important to um recognize the people around you for what they are you know and what what kinda potential you know future activities they you can expect from from the people you surround yourself with i think that uh i would say also that um kinda try to focus on what i wanted to do with my life as opposed to just thinking well you know things will work out which eventually they do but i i think that you know there's a bit of lost time with that um that approach it's kinda fatalistic and i i think that i would say you know um just try to concentrate you know you know not not everyone works on the same schedule and life isn't a race but i would say that it was it's important to have a goal in mind or some kind of you know idea for what what you want out of life as opposed to just kinda waiting and um thinking that things will fall into place um well i i i guess when people i i don't especially um take even constructive criticism particularly well for some reason i i think that for at least for myself i sort of have things figured out although i i i'm sure i'm wrong about that so i think just maybe in terms of like uh group work that i've done professionally or or academically you know when when some of my work is uh kinda picked apart or or scrutinized i don't i don't deal well with that and i i take it more personally than i should uh it was probably about a year and a half ago i was working on a research project at work and uh somebody with much less experience it was three of us working on something and then they brought it another pair of eyes just to go over it and it was somebody just out of uh college you know um went over what we had done and you know it was just kinda rewording things and it it seemed just like cosmetic changes that were being made just for the sake of of changing things and i kinda took personal offense to that just uh because i thought i had a lot more experience and more education and uh it it was unnecessary you know i i thought that the whole thing was a waste of time and you know i just um i i didn't think that she was somebody that was qualified to to necessarily redo all our work um or or even to uh not not to redo it but to to edit it or to uh not eh proofread i guess to to make any kind of you know qualitative changes i i just thought that it was a a really bad idea and and i i thought that i you know i i shouldn't have viewed it this way but i thought that the fact that they brought in somebody with almost no experience you know was kind of like a an affront to us who had worked on it on this project but you know it wasn't our call mm most memorable experiences um well i guess the first thing that comes to mind is one of my um the first real trip i took by myself uh i i took the uh the amtrak to to new mexico and i was out there exploring things um for about ten days on my own uh so that was kind of the longest period of time up 'til that point and i was in my i was i don't know twenty three maybe at the time that i i'd really just been on my own completely cut off from everyone i was in parts of new mexico where there was no cell phone reception at the time um and it was very memorable because i was on it on my own i felt like i was really uh you know exposed to the things i wouldn't have seen if i had had traveling companions um and it was a lot of fun uh well i've been very happy recently i for the i i'm getting married in a few months uh i got engaged on labor day uh in two thousand twelve thanks so i i was uh that was a very happy day this this whole process you know of um of meeting someone and we we kinda progressed very quickly realized where we recognized where we were um so i i've been a pretty happy state the past uh well it's been eleven months now but um yeah so i i think that the day we got engaged and then we we shared it with our family i think those have been very happy times um new years was happy you know uh i i'm in a happy period of my life right now so yeah yeah thank you uh with a sort of um sense of humor that maybe not everybody gets i'd say uh also uh you know um helpful calm relaxed maybe uh intelligent um you know likes to recycle i know that's so something that they would say uh i what else i think that um my best friend might say that uh i i i like animals i've always had dogs and cats so they might describe me as a people person or i mean a an animal person excuse me i also um you know fairly easygoing you know flexible with with plans mm uh i'd say one of most proud of in my life um hmm well i i i'm pretty happy with the level of education i've gotten i'm also going back eh starting in the fall i'm starting a p_h_d program so i'm happy about that i'm happy about you know breaking some of my bad habits from the past i i'd say if i'm proud of anything it's that um you know i have a strong faith relationship i go to church often i'm i'm very happy about that i don't know if pride is the right word but um my relationships with my family and friends are all very good uh i'd say maybe the fact that it's a lot different than my life is a lot different than it was about ten years ago you know the the change i'm i'm happy and proud of that no problem have a good day thank you goodbye,0 +371, yes i'm doing pretty good thank you i was born in the san fernando valley in california really uh i love the beaches i like uh there's just many things to do and uh you can't beat the weather uh traffic cost of living uh no i haven't uh i've only been out of the country once or a few times actually but only to one other country mm well they were when i was younger before i turned twenty one and we used to uh go to tijuana across the border just to get into nightclubs and stuff like that uh well i love to see new things new places uh and uh have new experiences uh after high school i went to beauty school for cosmetology mm well at the time i was uh looking for a career change and uh i have some friends in the industry and uh i decided to take the classes and see see what i thought uh only as a hobby mm well uh that's a that's a tough one to answer i'd have to think about that i would be on the outgoing side uh just because i'm more outgoing than i am shy uh lotta times i smoke marijuana mm not the best uh i had an argument with my mother over uh how we should handle doing things with my grandmother well we just had differences on uh who should do what at what times and who's in control and uh i should pretty much let her uh follow her rules because it's you know she's her daughter well it's okay i understood we talked it out and you know realized that uh i might've been uh overstepping my bounds uh it's fairly good i am pretty close with my mom and uh my grandmother i have a stepfather and a half-brother we get along okay but we're not very close and i've never met my real father um maybe not accomplishing as much as i should have in my life up to now uh yeah maybe by not having enough uh ambition or drive to be in a better position in my life uh well one of the hardest decisions was when i moved moved uh away from los angeles to wisconsin well when i was younger i was getting in trouble and i was looking for a way out so i went and continued getting into trouble and i with a friend uh we just packed our bags and moved to milwaukee yes uh extremely difficult i guess uh i got a lotta things going on or not going on and it just makes it hard for me to sleep um issues in my life and uh sure sometimes mm i guess it depends on what i have to do right now a little well in the last few minutes since we started talking about depressing stuff i starting to feel a little more down i haven't no mm very seldom stop thinking about 'em mm i don't know i couldn't tell i couldn't answer that right now um i guess i felt uh eh it's been awhile since i've been really happy i don't have uh a whole lot of very happy thoughts as recently mm oh let's see i did go to las vegas uh a couple months ago i had a good time there well i'm a honest person for the most part reliable uh i think i'm easy to get along with wow where do i start i have plenty of uh bad decisions i could erase um yeah well i have a d_u_i on my record uh well for the time it suspended my license makes it extremely difficult makes life extremely difficult well yeah it's uh hard to get around when you can't drive legally and if you do drive illegally you're at risk of going to jail for driving without a license uh well the original charge did but i haven't got caught driving since mm i don't have a best friend mm well let's come back to that one mm maybe that i could uh follow through with some of my plans be a little more ambitious maybe not uh well some of the decisions i've made in my life i have regrets uh take care of business first and always handle your responsibilities good uh good weather good music good company good conversation mm wow i don't have an answer for ya i love to uh bike ride i can go for walks or hikes uh i love to swim in the ocean mm my mom well she uh she was a single mom with two kids and uh worked really hard to raise us yeah yeah it wasn't easy very sure bye ,1 +372, yes um pretty good kind of yeah about los angeles yes the thing i like about l_a the weather it's not easy to meet people well it just feels like people aren't out very much they're like that movie in crash where people are just sit in their cars all the time um it feels like that no not too much child development well i have a son and i wanted to know how to be a a good mom and so i wanted to know about the stages uh that he would be going through eh and be able to relate better to him mhm i am kind of i'm trying to get it started again in the fall i'd like to write well um i've written some children's books and i've just been doing research looking into getting my books published it's only like two that i've written so far but they're pretty good i've gotten some good feedback on them from my critique groups it's about a little boy that's surrounded by people that are jerks and he tries to not become a jerk with them and it puts him in like a really scrubbed_entry he goes through a lot of moods dealing with the people in his life mhm um no i've had some issues some nervous breakdowns actually and right now my son is staying with his dad so um no i'm a single mom it was the hardest thing i think in the world is being a single mom so how do i cope um well right now um i didn't have very many good coping skills or mechanisms so that was the problem it's so spontaneous like the stuff that comes outta kids' mouths sometimes and the stuff that they do and just brings a smile to your face um well when my son was younger once we were just sitting around the house and he comes and he starts doing my hair and he says to me mom i want you to put on some lipstick and high heels and ponytails so you can go out and get married and find a boyfriend so yeah it's pretty spontaneous things like that happen that my kid's telling me i need to not be single anymore the hardest thing not wanting to screw it up i feel a lot of stress and pressure that every little thing is gonna make make a difference and matter in what kind of person my kid turns out to be and so it's a lot of stress on yourself yeah yeah definitely um hmm i think i'm different from my mom because i'm a little bit more tolerant of that spontaneous interaction i welcome it you know i welcome getting to know who my child is right now and not try to mold them into somebody that i want them to be but just see them become the best child that they can be the best adult that they can be without molding them in that direction necessarily into a different person so say it again who's someone that's a positive influence um mm i don't really have anybody like that okay well i've tried to meditate sometimes but i don't really stick with it often enough um i've tried to like go for walks but i don't always do that and i don't always stick with it so yeah that's about it i'd say i'm a little below average meaning that i get angry more than most people do i think hmm last night but it was on the telephone i was arguing with my husband um we have my sister lives with us and she lives with us in a very small room with a small apartment i should say and she's got four people living in in one room so um it's kind of stressful it's really crowded and my husband is stressed out about it and you know i'm just saying to him that i told you so i told you if my sister moved in here then there was gonna be a mess in the house and she's gonna be asking for things you don't really wanna do that's just how my sister is so the house is messy and it's crowded and every day they're asking for rides and my husband he's avoiding coming home because all these people are home and he doesn't wanna be there anymore and i'm just saying that he's gonna have to find a way to deal with it because he asked for it in my opinion so hmm it does oh i've got tons of 'em but right now what's on my mind is um losing custody of my son um right now like i've been arguing with my stepmom and my stepsister for a long time about my son and how they treat him and how i want him to be treated like they don't have any boundaries and i believe that boundaries are important establishing who's the adult who's the child they let my child boss 'em around and stuff anyways because of this they're gonna be testifying against me in the custody trial saying that yeah they're gonna be saying that i'm not a good mom because i believe in having boundaries and we have very different ideas about child raising she's my stepmom she's my dad's fifth wife and she's she really doesn't she's really far removed from how i was raised and i wanna raise my child more similar to how i was raised where you're we had some independence and we had some boundaries and we knew what the rules were and what was expected of us and with my stepmom she xxx no rules she has no expectation she just wants him to run wild and have everything that he wants and that's fine when you're a grandparent but the problem is that i live with them sometimes and when i'm in the same house with them they should be following my rules and not trying to go and break all of my rules anyway yeah um in that moment just really frustrated because they don't listen to me i feel disrespected i feel like invisible i feel just angry that they're taking away my right to parent and it's something that i worked really hard to do i went to school and i studied child development i've read all the magazines and i've read the books and i'm really i know what i'm talking about i feel confident in my parenting skills and my parenting abilities and to have these people that haven't done the same thing and worked as hard as i have to be a good parent try and tell me that i'm a bad parent it's really uh hard to believe so i feel very disrespected um unacknowledged angry frustrated all those things um i take i take benadryl to help me sleep and i'm so my doctor gave me that uh she gave me benadryl told me that i could take it to help me sleep and last night i was crying before i went to sleep so sometimes these thoughts start running through your head at night when you're in bed but i tried to push them out and then i got up and i took my benadryl so i could go to sleep more easily yeah i'm always thinking about my son how i wish he was with me and how unfair everything is that's happening and like i don't deserve to have my son taken from me because i'm a really good mom you know and i'm too hard on myself so but i am a good mom and i feel confident that i'm a good mom i just i don't really have the money to take care of my son like my dad the son's dad does he has more money than me and right now i'm trying to be okay with it because i know he can do more for him financially than i could but that doesn't mean i'm not a good mom hmm i'm pretty depressed i'm on anti-depressants um i take wellbutrin i been on them for a couple weeks now i think they're working i don't know i'm not as down as i was i mean i got here today i got dressed i made it out and i'm here today so not that bad um hmm my husband complains a lot he says i'm not the same person that i was when he married me he said i was fun and i was positive and i was all these other optimistic things that's another thing he was on the phone telling me last night and and i'm not those things anymore which is true i mean we got married a year ago and then my son was taken shortly after and it was just such a shock and um i've just been trying to get back from it but it's been hard did i think i had a problem before i found out found out what oh um yeah like crying a lot something like i cry all the time it doesn't take much for me to cry i'm just crying thinking about crying but like um my family would invite me to family events and i would go and just just cry because my son wasn't there or um i don't know it's just all the crying i think and like i said my husband letting me know that i'm not the same person so he's disappointed and i feel bad even that i'm not the same person that he he knew i feel bad about that too another thing i'm feeling bad about you know yes i do i try do i feel like the therapy's useful um yeah it's nice to talk about your problems i go in there and i cry every week so at least i have a set time every week where i can go in and cry um that's i mean it's a release to be able to cry sometimes i feel better afterwards um yeah and she helps me make decisions you know help me to be more proactive in my life um well i'm looking for jobs and things like that and she gives me ideas of why don't you work here or why don't you work there or have you thought about this or that you know and then she said something about why don't you go back to school and so i went and applied to go back to school you know i'm not doing much with my life and sitting around all day isn't helping my depression any either so i'm trying to find a work and i applied for college in the fall i got accepted to dominguez hills so i may be going back to school in the fall right now i'm still looking for work but she helps me with that kinda stuff just giving me ideas that life isn't over that there's still more you know i could be doing with life life yeah everything's always bittersweet um i don't know last time i was really happy i don't know my ideal weekend oh i don't have a lot of money 'cause i'm not working right now so really my weekends are just spent reading maybe but i can't really i i can't pay much attention when i'm reading so i have a short attention span i can only read a couple chapters um but lately i say that's what i've been doing is reading something i've read xxx okay i like to go to u_s_c they have these nights where they have things like book signings or poetry and art it's called visions and voices so i like to go out to to their events and i usually enjoy those um about two weeks ago um deborah harkness was there doing a book signing for a discovery of witches and so like i said i'm trying to be a writer so i try to go especially to the book signings and see what it's like to be an author who's talking to a crowd and signing books my son i don't have any friends my best qualities um i'm smart i'm good-looking um i'm really um and like a hard worker i i'm dedicated to like self-improvement um that's all i can think of right now okay okay goodbye press the buzzer now,1 +373, yes uh doing okay doing okay uh north carolina yep uh almost four years ago um i graduated college had an internship out here uh for a production company so i started doing that with a group of friends and then got work after that and enjoyed the city so much and have been working out here since yep uh probably three at the most three times a year maybe twice usually the holidays maybe one random trip in there mhm um uh it's l_a's only now just starting to become home to me in the sense of that respect where like uh going home was going home now going home's like going back to see my family and seeing some friends um but um i i feel more i feel more like i belong in los angeles than i do back at home uh the food um the weather goes without saying uh i the i like the resources there i like feeling um i like that uh the things that i wanna do uh are much easier much more accessible out here than they would be in north carolina so it i feel like i'm uh uh i'm able to uh pursue eh a lot of my passions ambitions in a much more functional and realistic way living in los angeles than i am in north carolina uh i mean the cost of living isn't great but at the same time too i always kind of tell people like part of the rent is having access to so much um resources so many resources out here so uh it's not even expensive as new york or boston so uh it's not the worst but um uh and also i mean it is a little bit annoying that every time i do wanna go home it's a flight not a drive i can't i mean conceivably really conceivably drive home for the holidays 'cause it's about a three or four day adventure and just not practical so it's uh unfortunate that i'm so far away in that respect but i can't really change geography uh i studied uh history and uh media studies and production uh yes i work as a freelance writer and producer um in college i realized i was pretty good at it and uh i knew there was a way to monetize that and i came out here and uh worked a little bit uh in the uh public sector in trying to you know just doing those jobs that way and realized i could make more money have more control over my schedule and my life if i did it freelance so i've been doing it now for a little over a year now i do um i love traveling i try to uh go somewhere new for a good period of time about every uh seven to eight months just try to mix up things so i was in barcelona just recently and i'm planning on going to um either vietnam or even back to europe in next couple months so mhm uh i enjoy the break from routine i think that uh while it's nice to wake up and kind of have a vague idea where your day's going uh after a few months you can get very much kinda caught up in that and you uh pigeonhole i guess your thought process your expectations for the day and i love going to a foreign country and just waking up and knowing that everything i do that day is gonna be brand new and will be different than what i would be doing if i was in los angeles or and um our own routine so i i'm a big fan of that and i love the food so it's great to just eat um a lot of food that i love in the places where they were originally created uh yeah sure i went to uh barcelona uh like i said a few uh months ago and that was mainly because i had a friend who was living there for uh six or seven months and she kept asking me to come out and uh i finally i was at a point

    point in work where i'd been working so much for months on end that i felt like i deserved a break so i went there for two weeks and yeah it was one of the healthiest smartest things i've done in awhile so i mm reminded me again how uh how important it is for me at least to uh to travel and to get out of the world i'm very outgoing i uh love talking to people and conversing even virtual people oop i lost ya um to relax i uh listen and play music a lot i like to read uh i like to go see movies uh cook i cook a lot so i enjoy cooking um uh my my girlfriend and i are uh currently separated by distance um so i haven't seen her in weeks and that can be very uh sad obviously so i'll talk with her as much as i can but uh but yeah just uh um uh pretty simple tastes yep this is awkward isn't um i don't really have much of a temper so uh very good i guess i don't really get angry easily or quickly and uh when i do i'm usually aware of it enough that i can kinda formulate how i feel and why i'm feeling that way and what i want to be done about it so uh so it's pretty i guess i'm a pretty easygoing guy in that respect uh honestly it was probably something petty over like uh misremembering when uh something was done or like a a date on something or like a a a fact probably wasn't anything emotionally fueled uh and it was just about yeah i think it was probably about like trying to figure out when exactly we went to san francisco and it wasn't even an argument as much as just the other person thinking the other person's misremembering so um in you know small or big situation it's very difficult for me to actually feel enraged uh i guess in the classical sense of the word um i'm trying to think i'm not one one for regrets um um i just recently did a uh uh a project like a a film and uh the subject matter had a little bit to do with like an ex-girlfriend of mine so when it came time to release it uh i made a point i to i didn't wanna send it to her directly 'cause i didn't want her to think that i was doing to xxx her face but i did send it to her brother just because he enjoys my work and always says he wants to see stuff and i um uh maybe that she might've could've misconstrued that as being passive-aggressive i don't know um but um but yeah i mean that's something i i thought about but i don't really regret it as much as like maybe i could've just let uh everyone everyone else who i wouldn't wasn't necessarily sure about if i should do stumble upon it as opposed to me directing it to them so just my thoughts there hardest decision i've ever had to make ah um uh it was actually probably uh probably that uh ah i don't even wasn't even a hard decision with like i said with that the the same ex-girlfriend that i mentioned of it was probably hard because uh i knew i had to uh break up with her after some stuff happened and um it was difficult 'cause i cared about her a great deal but also same tune it wasn't hard to arrive at the conclusion that i had to uh to uh break up with her but at the same time too it was not uh uh the easiest thing to kinda go through that process it's getting on a rollercoaster that you're very much aware of how mm terrible or frightening it's gonna be but you know you have to get on the rollercoaster so uh so yeah i'd say that's probably of recent memory ugh just a abundance of reasons that uh this person was probably not the uh best person for me so uh like i said it was a it was i didn't have to uh i didn't have to weigh too much too much data to figure it out um it was pretty clear sign and i have no regrets about doing it now um i uh yeah i feel very strongly then about it and i felt i still feel very strongly that i made the right choice now um it can be it can be tough there be they'll be i feel like it's either if i if i've exhausted myself during the day between work and you know i've i've started exercising again which is a huge help but um but i'd say that it's i kind of when i get into bed at night i never know how it's gonna go sometimes it's uh sometimes i'll wake up within an hour of falling asleep and i can't go back to sleep or um i'll just yeah periodically keep getting up and up um so it's something that's gotten a little better in the last few weeks but uh yeah um like i said especially having my uh my current girlfriend uh not around like i said she's a very big source of comfort around so like that uh um but she travels a lot for work so it's something to have to adjust to and uh uh sleep can be can some that suffers from that but uh in the same respect i'm not someone who actually i feel like i don't need too much sleep i if i can get if i can get four to six hours i'm in pretty good shape that day so um uh little anxious i guess uh little more more just um uh i just whenever i get off of a assignment uh there's always just the question like what am i what's going on next and uh so far i don't have the next um project lined up so it's always that nervousness um in the past something usually does come up so you have the precedent of it usually working out but until it does you're always a little um uh anxious and it can be depressing 'cause it's like uh um you know i've chosen a very much a lifestyle that while i get to have a lot of control and autonomy over my life uh it also is all on me in order to do it and you know sometimes i'm i um i'm very jealous of the idea of people just waking up going to an office for eight hours leaving and not having to think about that work the minute they leave the office and kind of having the momentum of a group of people or or company um carrying them through when um it's a little tough whereas like me if i have an off day or if i'm a sick day um that no work gets done you know i'm a small business that has one employee how do i cope with them um i assume you mean i guess uh people i work with how do i cope with the uh maybe the better answer would be how do i cope with that lifestyle and just i got much uh much more used to it something i'm still learning and figuring out how to how to handle uh as far as not just like i know the the how rewarding the work is when i do it but it's also figuring out what's the most efficient way to live the life and you know how do i uh what's the appropriate way to budget finances what's the uh expectation i should have for myself in a given year what's realistic what's hopeful um and that's something that i'm sure will take years and years to do but i feel like as long as i'm getting better at it then uh it's progress right uh yes uh definitely once and then probably i if i would've gone back uh um i was gone in high school probably it would've been second time but um but yeah i've been diagnosed with depression once so i feel like it's one of those things that uh is something i have to keep in check throughout my entire life you know um i feel like i'm a pretty happy person for the most part but um uh has they i hate as annoying as it is but like they say like with people who are very creative or people who do a lot of stuff with the mind it tends to follow and i get that it's a self-esteem thing 'cause it's so hard to feel um so hard or so easy i should suppose to get in your own head about that uh this was within a year so i probably was feeling uh symptoms having been there before it was kinda easy to figure out like ah you know it's kinda happening again so i feeling uh the symptoms again uh uh and going through those emotions and feeling like okay at first i was kinda hoping it would be something i could kind of work through myself but um i realized it was just stupid for me to try to fight the battle on my own so i went and um started seeing a therapist uh uh really bad this is when i i just couldn't sleep at all like i would get maybe an hour of sleep a night at best um i wasn't sleeping at all had just no uh no no drive to do anything whether it was you know as simple as brushing my teeth or cleaning my apartment things like that and just being in the same time simultaneously being aware that it's like oh this is all in my head and it's not even like a a symptom so um uh yeah just a general just a general malaise that comes with depression uh no i just finished up uh finished up i mean since i didn't graduate or anything like that but i got to a point where i felt like uh um i kind of talked through as much as i could talk through and i'd moved on eh in other places in my life it was in kind of a good good work xxx especially like i said i was i was working on something i really cared about um i'm now with someone i care about greatly and uh um there's such a potential opportunity for me to not even have to worry about the symptoms and stuff as much now that uh i felt like therapy was not necessary and also i just didn't really have the time to with as much work goes on so oh i definitely i think having someone you can confide in uh who isn't your friend or your family member who won't you know have a few drinks and tell someone what you said to them or anything like that is definitely a a something beneficial i can't imagine how anyone couldn't benefit from having that on a somewhat of a routine basis um i don't know i'm i'm a firm kind of a firm believer that the all those things like those things that kinda can haunt you are also there for a reason like uh uh my sister died when i was uh about what twelve years old and she was younger than me and watching my parents like seeing my father cry for the first time was a very kind of traumatic thing for me and it uh i felt like i grew up a lot that day so it's um also difficult to see that and see how my parents had to deal with losing a child i don't want to forget those things 'cause i think they're very integral to um how i cope with life and how i perceive uh um hardships and obstacles and uh having that image of knowing my father on it's very very humanizing 'cause it's so easy to kind of you idolize your parents and i still idolize my father but to know he's he's a guy like me and as i get older it's um easier identify with uh the man he is so i'd be uh sixteen or six um uh i kind of like the notion uh that uh they're they always say you wouldn't worry as much what people thought about you if you realized how people how much people didn't think about you and that's really hard to tell a sixteen year old and i don't know what the point of telling a six year old but um but yeah i feel like especially when you're in high school until it gets i mean nowadays you i mean we live in los angeles where so much is caught up in how people think about you and i still am very if i find out someone eh either is upset with me or doesn't like me it bothers me to a great deal or i hate letting people down so i would like to come to a healthier place where just knowing that sometimes you just can't really control how people feel about you even if you have the best intentions in the world so uh i'm a very compassionate guy i um i'm there for my friends i'm pretty selfless in that respect i um have a good humor about things like even with even with being depressed or depression i can joke about it it's not you know i'm not a morbid depressed more just the i'm aware of when i'm uh i'm low and uh i treat it as such and i don't you know i don't try to deny it i don't try to like any of that but i i i have a i'm a i'm a pretty like practical person in that respect i don't think uh even when i'm depressed i don't take it out on people or i don't think people people have told me they don't even seem to when i mention that been going through like depression no one seems to like or they don't mention i for one feel like when i do go through it it's like oh everyone can just tell and i'm just a smoking gun of sadness basically but uh but no i i tend to carry it pretty well and uh um i don't i don't lose sight of uh the reality the reality of what i know is happening so mm um i was on a my uh my girlfriend came uh she was in thailand for three weeks and then she was supposed to go to spain for two but she canceled that trip and came back and stayed with me for about ten days and um yeah i know i i love her she's great um she's the coolest person i know and so much fun and she uh when she's around she makes me so happy and uh um so having her for ten days and we just had like normal we we rarely get normal couples time like it's always like oh i see you for five days and then one of us has to go somewhere um so to have ten days just normal where we could just cook dinner at home like lie in bed and read books or anything like that was great and uh it makes me so happy that i have someone that i can do that with and just it feels so uh practical and feels so right um i guess for xxx i'm i'm i'm a good guy like i i i know i don't uh i don't think i screw people over i don't um i'm a good friend to have i'm i'm there for people i look out for people i care uh about people and what they think of me and that goes especially much for my friends and i try to make sure you know with a lot of my friends being on the east coast i try to carve out time to make sure that they know i think about them and i call them and so i i feel like uh for a lot of people who count me as their friend i'm probably one of their better ones in just the sense that i'm i know how much i appreciate and respect uh the friendships we have thanks ellie bye,0 +374, yes pretty good alexandria virginia mhm uh i moved to l_a uh end of two thousand one yeah it's crazy um a couple times a year usually like for holidays hmm it is it's very different um i think it's a lot more mellow um it's way more like suburbia it's nice um it there's something comforting about it but it's always like i get a little restless when i'm there and look forward to coming back here where there's a little more action i went to um grad school at u_s_c um it was it wasn't bad i mean my my program that i was in was so intense that like for the first year it was so all consuming that i really didn't have much spare time to think about the adjustment it was just like i my life was not my own so that made it kind of um easier i guess and also i was like in a community of people that i went to school with so automatically i knew people and you know made friends and stuff so it wasn't bad film hmm i uh had an epiphany one day um i was out of undergrad i was kinda floundering a little bit i didn't really know what i wanted to do and um just one day i kinda was like you know what am i really excited about what am i really passionate about and um i realized that movies movies are the thing that i love the most and am most passionate about so that is how i decided to go to film school um a little bit yes and no it's i don't i'm so i'm like in a little bit of a transitional period right now but yeah like for the last several years i've been uh producing like freelance producer that is so the question of the moment um i think that uh i don't necessarily have like a a job title that's my dream job but i knowit's sort of what um i want and 'cause basically like i've been living a freelance lifestyle for a while and i know that that is like exhausting and i don't wanna do that anymore so i'm looking for something that's stable um you know full time nice benefits and um i definitely wanna stay in the entertainment industry um and i like you know what i love about producing is that it's just like there's constant challenges and you sort of never know what is gonna get thrown at you that i that's you know it's always interesting and exciting um so i'm sort of trying to figure out right now what would be a good place for me to be where i can be reasonably challenged and you know have sort of a like room to to grow and advance and all that yeah i can't see your shoes um i i like to travel um i don't know that i haven't really been doing it a lot lately but i have you know in the past done a fair amount um i love the adventure of it just you know new experiences new places new people um i think it's just good to sort of get out of your little insular world and see what's out there and just you know see beautiful remarkable places and just and things and just experience different ways of living and different languages and different cultures um let's see i went to costa rica a couple years ago um my like best friend from growing up she and i went for like ten days and it was that's probably that might be like my favorite trip of all time like it was really awesome but costa rica is just like amazing and beautiful um and we just spent like we went to three different places and um just did a lot of exploring and like sightseeing we did a ton of hiking which was amazing and then like the last place where we ended up was this little beach town so by that point it was like we felt like you know we had done all this like amazing physical exertion like doing ziplines and all these hikes so that by the time we got to the beach it was like we've earned the right to just like kick back and relax and you know so it was just it kind of it hit all of the you know it like fed that sort of desire for adventure and activity um but it also i'm also a big fan of vacations where you just like veg out and relax and like lie on a beach with a book so it sort of hit everything what do i do to relax um i i mean depending where i am like if it's you know if i'm like at work or something and i'm stressed out i just will you know kinda take a minute and just like breathe really deeply and try to just calm myself down that way um if i'm home i might just like you know throw on a movie or like a t_v show that i really like and just that gives a sense of like sort of escape relief um pretty good i don't i mean eh it takes a lot to get me very angry it doesn't happen very often um the last time i argued with someone was my mom and it was about money um i felt really frustrated because i felt like she was like judging me unfairly and that was upsetting yeah um it's good uh you know they live across the country from me so i don't get to see them that often but like i usually talk to my mom on the phone probably like once a week and my parents are really supportive um they are you know like when i go back home to visit like i enjoy i enjoy hanging out with them we have a good time um so i'd say we have a pretty pretty good relationship something i feel guilty about um i guess because i'm like in this sort of job hunting phase i feel guilty sometimes that i'm not like doing enough you know like there are times where like there are days where maybe like i should've sent out a few more resumes or done more stuff like i i feel guilty sometimes for not being like productive enough um usually it's pretty easy the last the last couple weeks like has been uncharacteristically like not as good i'm not really sure i haven't figured it out but um i've just had more uh like nights where it either takes me a really long time to go to sleep or i wake up in the middle of the night for no reason um i've also been having a lot of like really weird intense dreams that like i wake up sometimes i wake myself up sometimes because i'm talking which is weird um so yeah it's just i i don't know not that i have been able to identify i mean i guess maybe i'm like more stressed than usual just 'cause like i my job situation is like in flux but i i don't know there was no like event cranky i value good sleep and i'm so i'm used to it so it's just yeah it's not a good feeling um not really no yes um like i think in like october or november although this is actually it's the second time it's happened in my life but the first time was like many many years ago um i felt like i was a really low and like too low for me to get myself out of it um just having a hard time functioning on the most basic level like just getting up and taking a shower and like going to the grocery store and you know answering emails was just like it took so much energy um so yeah i just i wasn't really functioning normally yeah yes yes um sometimes more than others but yeah overall i would say so i think that therapy is good for me because it helps me focus on my sort of patterns um and also like ah just like observing how i am like responding to certain situations and just it i guess it's it gives me a more heightened like kind of self-awareness um so that as opposed to just like um kind of just reacting to situations i'm like mm just like noticing more what is going on um and it just helps to um i don't know it's just helpful i don't really i don't really know how to explain it hmm um i don't know um i it's probably not good that i can't think of i can't think of anything um eh maybe over uh over christmas being at home with my family yeah um well it just was that was like i was kind of like just starting to come out of my depression then and um like you know i live alone here i have i have a dog but so i just had a long period of feeling not great and just sort of doing it all on my own and kinda wishing that my family was around me um so when i was there with them it just um it just felt very like safe and comfortable and that just sort of like you know warm familial embrace um i think she would describe me as funny and smart and um a good listener nonjudgmental um i don't know is that enough hmm okay um so this happened the the last like job that i had i mean i was it wasn't technically i was a freelancer but i was working for this company for like a year and a half close to two years and uh i had a it very small company the boss had a really good relationship with my boss um and he sort of he sort of out of nowhere uh mm told me that he was like downsizing basically and um essentially like the arrangement that we had is that he paid me like a monthly retainer for my services and then on top of that i would get paid fees per project so he like sat me down on this conversation and was like you know our major client that is like you know the bread and butter of the company they're the they're really cutting back like you probably notice things are getting really slow and i was like yeah and he's like so i'm gonna i'm gonna have to stop paying you your retainer and this was a total surprise but i was just like okay and he went on to talk about how he i would still have the right of first refusal of all the projects that came through the door and you know because of that he made it seem like you know even though i wouldn't be getting the retainer anymore he would throw enough work at me still that like i wouldn't you know it wouldn't be like a dramatic decrease in the amount of money that i was making excuse me but um and he was like you know this has nothing to do with the quality of your work i love working with you you're fantastic yada yada so to make a long story short what ended up happening is he was firing me um and he that was his way of basically like phasing me out of the company and letting me go because from that point he stopped calling me he stopped emailing me and later on like a couple of months down the road i um i had to go back into the office because there were a couple projects that were still ongoing like the client took a really long time to get back with their notes and when i was in there i saw that um this guy who had worked with us a bunch kind of like if we needed another producer like if we were slammed we would bring him on to do sort of additional stuff he was doing my job so yeah so it just like it was a really it was a really shitty way to be like fired without being told that i was fired um and it was just like that uh the reason i would like i if i could i would erase that from my mind is because i can't really think of another situation that made me feel so like angry and frustrated and just like in a way that's like that still even though this was like you know several months ago feels very unresolved and still makes me kinda like angry when i think about it so yeah that was a very long explanation but that's what i wish um let's see i um a very loyal person um i am smart i'm organized i um very like caring kind um i'm conscientious and i work hard uh man i think to uh be more confident and less passive um to really like focus on what i want and the things that i know will make me happy and to just go out and get them as opposed to sitting back and waiting for opportunities to present themselves hmm um probably just some of the relationships that i formed with people um just like really you know deep friendships you're welcome bye,0 +375, yes good it's been a nice day the south bay can i ask you that question too oh okay that's where i'm from basically but like the south bay of it not much i've been wanting to move anyways just to get a change-up everybody thinks l_a is like everything it's the best but it's too many people and too much traffic i can't see your shoes driving and seeing new stuff last year i went to sacramento from here and stayed out for like a month living in my v_w bus with my wife it was kinda cool camping just wanted to have fun something different art no a little bit probably doing what you're doing i'm really interested in coming up with new ideas and stuff too outgoing i haven't been doing much to do relax relaxing lately but i like the beach good i argued with my brother last night actually about him talking to me with with more respect as a person i was mad and i wanted to fight it's good but sometimes they're just they're too caught up in what they're doing to pay attention to other people's feelings like with my brother he's just he's just tense because of his situation and he tried to brush
    brush it off on me wasting money 'cause i'm married now yeah not doing it something like probably taking some candy from the store no no taking money from my mom when i was like real young 'cause she well i was like i was in junior high school and i think i took like twenty from her purse and bought candy for my friends and i felt guilty though like the same day probably yeah that was probably the beginning of my stupid activities all my life or in the past couple years my wife i'm married to her we've known each other for about two years i met her at an art walk she actually went to u_s_c too the past couple days has been kinda hard but i usually go to sleep good i think i'm kinda snappy i think i'm snappy positive optimistic yeah i've been thinking more positive positively lately and i wanna put a lot of stuff into action so i've been trying to train my mind into knowing that stuff is gonna come to me speaking to the universe easy if you just try it and do it everybody's got a spirit no no no i just told you i feel positive i was happy yesterday i happy yesterday 'cause i you know i made a couple good decisions wanting to be positive and stay away from negative people being alive knowing god i don't know i don't know i can't think of something now mm i don't think i can have one sex exercising waking up positive and having a good meal in the morning i think driving to sacramento that time no don't smoke cigarettes and watch how you spend your money are you gonna sell my ideas and my my uh thoughts i can't think of it right now,1 +376, yes i'm doing okay it's still morning so i'm from the east coast massachusetts yes um i moved to l_a when i was a child with my parents pretty much didn't have any choice in the matter um i haven't been back there the last time i was back there was uh three years ago for christmas um l_a's very hustle and bustle there's a lot of people that are angry and a lot of people don't care about the other person here in l_a in which back east the east coast the the thought pattern is a lot different you know your neighbors you're friendly to your neighbors and to anybody that you see in the street so the yeah um well since i was a kid i was fairly young at first it was rough i was getting in trouble a little bit in school but uh after all that surpassed i was i did fine in high shcool and stuff and even took some college courses um well i love the beach and i love the mountains i like to go hiking um and i like walking along the beach i just live a few blocks away from the beach so it's easy no not at all um just not interested uh i've been to mexico a couple times when i was younger went to ensenada but other than that i'm i'm not interested in leaving the united states especially with what's been going on lately um overseas um actually child psychology and i was in the nursing program for a little bit but i had some problems at home which caused me to drop out oh that's alright gah um i don't have one to be honest um i admire people that are doing the job that they love i mean like football players they love playing football and they get paid all that money how great is that so um i'm pretty outgoing when i meet somebody at first i might be a little bit reserved because we all when we meet somebody pass judgment um as to if we wanna continue communicating with the person or not and but once i've decided that i like that person or whatever i i talk a lot so yes um i like watching movies i like i used to like reading but lately my concentration level hasn't been so great so it's hard to get into a good book um not good at times i uh i have a some outburst every once in awhile so eh it depends on how angry i get uh yesterday and it was with my partner and um actually to be honest i don't remember what it was about it's just sometimes people can have an ugly attitude and i don't appreciate that and if i feel that i'm being disrespected or whichever i'm gonna stand up for myself so um at times some people may be turned off for my personality because very opinionated and i say what i'm what's on my mind um i do not purposely go and hurt people's feelings or anything of that nature but i won't be bullied and i won't be made i won't back down if i feel like i'm being challenged so um uh last year my mother died so i wish i handled that differently um it upsets it's upsets me so it's okay um let me see uh i think i'm gonna pass on that one too because that'll upset me more so that is terrible um sometime uh sometimes actually falling asleep may not be a problem especially you know when you're done working and doing everything that you had to do in a day you're tired but staying asleep is a whole different thing for me because it's like i can't uh i get up and then i'm i'm wide awake i'll go out in the living room turn on the t_v and watch t_v i'm lucky if i get three to four hours sleep um maybe because i do have a lot on my mind uh you know thinking about bills and and the stressfulness of work and and then all this other stuff so that's probably a big burst part of it uh it's it's not difficult it's just frustrating 'cause when your mind goes on overtime mode it eh just affects everything your concentration your sleep your eating everything so i'm a little grouchy especially in the morning i'm not a morning person i like the nights but i don't like the morning it's like leave me alone until i get my first cup of coffee yeah so other than that i'm i'm okay um well i've been i've been depressed for quite some time and i'm still having difficulty difficulty uh 'cause after my mother died four months later my uncle died so i had two deaths last year so i'm still reeling and trying to get myself back together i'm i just recently i've started pursuing like interests that i used to do that i haven't done in a year because of what happened um i just i might get angry a little easier i sleep a lot i eat i overeat um i get tired very easily 'cause i'm not getting much sleep so sometimes it's hard it seems like i'm struggling to get through the day yes i have a uh psychiatrist that prescribes me medication on a regular basis oh i was diagnosed quite some time ago um probably ten to fifteen years ago and it's just something i've never gotten over i don't know whether or not you can so i've always taken the medicine um i was arguing with everybody my family my friends and stuff like that and i was feeling desperate and hopeless and i had attempted to uh take my own life years ago which caused me to be hospitalized and then uh they started treating me i started seeing a therapist so um well right now i'm not going to a therapist because my insurance they'll cover the psychiatrist and not the therapist but i am working with a friend of mine who has knows some avenues to go to seek seek help for a therapist and i don't know if that's really gonna help me i mean sometime it depends on what kinda therapist you get sometimes people just sit there and they just listen to you talk and ramble on and you're thinking my god what good is this and the other type is the type that will give you some kinda feedback as to how to deal with the emotions tools to help you deal with your emotions so um like i said i haven't been going to therapy recently just psychiatrist just medication um there's been no changes really i i probably would be doing fine because i was doing great before my mom passed away i was her caregiver and uh even though a lot of times i feeled i felt overwhelmed or lacked uh lacked patience with her uh i still was a heck of a lot happier than i am now so um uh i would say when my son was born years ago i'm not a parent anymore he passed away so um and that was difficult as well uh hmm um i'm extremely organized extremely reliable my work loves me because i get everything done that i'm supposed to get done even though sometimes i feel a little scatterbrained and um you know those qualities are are admirable in people that can keep their word and and be responsible excuse me oh i have lots of regrets um uh things that i've done in the past that i'm not too happy about but um you know i met somebody once in my life that had had that saying and you see it on a bumper sticker uh live to never regret so you know you can't go back and make changes it's too late so why you know dwell on the situation but sometimes sometimes it's a lot easier said than done um i'm not the advice kinda get person i i you know i don't really give my friends any kind of advice i mean i find most of the times people don't listen to you anyway so why bother um i just state my opinion that's all um well right now i'm on a diet because of my overeating after my mom died i was a lot thinner when she was alive i just went crazy with the food and sleeping a lot you know sleep eat sleep eat and so now i'm kinda like on a diet trying to lose this weight 'cause it's very unhealthy for me um hmm trying to think it's been a long time actually there's really nothing because now i just keep my mind busy i haven't been to a movie in ages i don't i used to go out shopping all the time i don't now um so it's been it uh it's been quite some time since i've been content and happy with who i am and what i'm doing in my life right now um my weekends saturday uh like on saturday i'm usually working um on sunday is usually clean up day you know do your laundry clean up the house um run some errands go shopping for food you know that kinda thing so it's not if i was younger you know it would be fun you know go out clubbing or whatever but i'm too old for that now xxx um hmm really there's nothing that i can think of um there's nothing that i can be proud of hmm um some a good like comedy or whatever i like to watch that um sometimes my partner might do something stupid which i like because i like make fun of him um but mm just that's it you know go maybe go out for a walk on the beach that's it okay no problem thank you bye,1 +377, yeah go ahead um i'm okay i grew up in wisconsin and i lived in colorado for a bit and then i lived overseas for a little while then i moved to california mhm i moved here at the end of june of last year so i guess it's been what eight months something like that um at the most probably twice a year well my hometown is uh all of five thousand people and um there are a lot of cows and barns and farms so the opposite of l_a um it's a good question i i've always wanted to live in california so but i had been living in in the central coast um and i just had been coming down to l_a like once a month for different business and networking and personal development stuff so um yeah things were were changing in santa cruz for me the client i had who was really the main like financial um main financial source i had that relationship ended so i was totally free to move and i thought well i guess i'll give l_a a try and see what happens so so i gave it a shot and here i am oh not at all it's a very very big city um i lived in dublin in ireland it was a which is also a big city but you know european cities are much more condensed and the public transportation is much more easy um and yeah so just getting around here and getting familiar with the city was pretty challenging and uh yeah so i love to travel i love it yeah i've i i lived in ireland and i traveled um i was in morocco and i was in costa rica um i've spent some time in mexico so yeah um i love meeting new people experiencing new cultures and like also not just seeing what's different but seeing what's similar among people everywhere you go um sure well i guess hmm i'm trying to think which was my favorite i mean eh there was amazing things about morocco and costa rica both but morocco was incredible it was like twelve days and we went to three different locations we went up in the atlas mountains which are beautiful and uh yeah it's a really really cool culture so it was fun um my trip to ireland i actually visited there which is why i decided to move there so my most memorable moment of that trip i mean there's probably dozens but the first most memorable moment of that trip was um being on a bus and and leaving um dublin and going just out to the countryside and seeing how absolutely breathtakingly beautiful it is i mean it's everyone sees pictures of ireland or you know you see it in films and it's green and lush and gorgeous but when you actually get there and experience it it's it like the pictures don't do it justice so it was incredible yeah um i have an undergrad degree in english and psychology and a psychology minor and i have a master's degree in women studies no i use my english and psychology um i work in marketing communications so i actually do sales so um yeah the psychology definitely comes into comes into play and eh so does my i guess my undergrad degree in english but really like i took that on and and created something out of it because most people who get an english degree just teach and i i wasn't wanting to teach um to guess i'm not clear on the question um okay wow um you know my dream job is being a a motivational speaker and trainer and coach um and traveling the world doing that and and impacting people's lives and um really contributing to people um my relationship's pretty good actually i i just repaired my relationship with my biological mother who would not she was sporadic i saw her sporadically growing up i lived my dad raised me and then he married my stepmom and um they had two kids together so i grew up and i consider them like the family i grew up with so but i got in communication with my biological mother um last may and we've been we've you know cleared things up and have been in communication since then so um well not sure which moment you mean but if you're referring to being in communication with my birth mother um i mean it was very freeing to just let go of the past and let the past be the past and create something new in the future and eh not just the future but in the present moment with her so yeah i'm shy um to relax i do a number of things i like to do yoga although i don't have the money for it right now um i love to dance i love to read i love to go to the ocean spend time just staring at the waves and soaking up all those negative ions that really recharges my battery actually probably more than anything else um i like to be with friends um i love art and trying new restaurants um yeah all those things are both relaxing eh i guess they're relaxing in the sense that um i feel connected to the people in my life and to the experiences of my life so yeah yeah um depends if i'm driving not very good but otherwise i'm pretty good at it um last time i argued with somebody probably would have to be oh no it was with the l_a times about the newspaper delivery yeah that was the last time so yeah the um the newspaper that was supposed to show up for the elderly lady that i take care of uh it didn't show up and uh i didn't realize that it wasn't there until um late i don't know afternoon i think early afternoon and then i called them and they said they couldn't send a replacement because it was after ten thirty in the morning which was absurd to me when they made the mistake in the first place so i mean for a service that you know we pay for for every day so um yeah it was i was really irratated and then i found out that the newspaper had been forwarded to a new address and that had not been communicated with me so i was angry with the l_a times i was angry with the people who'd forwarded the newspaper and didn't tell me yeah i was pretty frustrated oh wow there are quite a few of those um let me think about one um the other day i had a phone call and i'm in a coaching program and it was from one of the coaches in the program and she was um explaining to me that there was an additional call that was going to be we have meetings every week classroom meetings and then we also have coaching calls 'cause we have one particular coach we work with and then she called to tell me that i was going to have another coaching call with um someone who's not my coach and uh that hadn't been explained to me as part of the program so it in that moment it just seemed to me like oh my god i have all these people i have to be accountable to and i'm like eh you know i have to not just be accountable to them but share private things that are happening in my life with these people and it just was i don't know so yeah i wasn't um i wasn't angry i was just i just felt frustrated and a little overwhelmed in that moment and it you know and i talked it out with her and we got through it but um yeah i could've certainly just um been okay with whatever was being asked of me in the at that time and would've made the call go a lot smoother hmm the hardest decision wow there's been a few i guess moving to ireland was probably the hardest decision no it wasn't even the hardest decision it was such an easy decision actually but telling my family about it was challenging um that but the hardest decision was my the first time that i moved uh away from my family i was twenty eight and i decided to i chose to move to colorado and um that was a pretty tough decision 'cause at that point my family had been you know within an hour's drive of wherever i lived an hour hour and a half and now they were gonna be you know um a twelve hour drive away or a plane ride away so that was it was challenging oh lots of things um i loved colorado colorado is a beautiful beautiful state and the weather is so much better than wisconsin and um at the time i was very much into rock climbing and there's just a huge outdoor outdoor community in colorado so there were a lot more people who were um in my age group and or single that was another factor um and were interested in the things i was interested in so colorado just seemed like a really natural fit so yeah and then i i found a a job that i liked the pay was atrocious but um i found some work that was really rewarding and so it all came together and i chose to move yeah uh that was totally unrelated question um relatively easily it just depends on like what time i go to sleep if i'm out and i don't get home until eleven thirty then you know then i go to bed late and uh i wake up feeling tired like i feel today but generally i can sleep through the night i've had some pretty anxiety-ridden dreams the last couple of weeks um but even so even when i wake up from those or if i you know stir from those i still can fall back to sleep relatively easily um yeah i'm sure they are i mean i'm in another transition state i'm moving out of out of the house that i live in right now where i take care of an elderly woman um yeah and i just i have to find the financial means to support me in doing that and it's and she creates a lot of anxiety just in her state of being she's exhausting and utterly depressing so yeah um living with her is pretty hard like it's probably the hardest thing i've ever done and i would never ever choose to do it again if i honestly if i knew what i was getting into i don't think i would've said yes to the situation um i feel trapped and helpless like there's you know nothing i can there's no way out of the situation that i'm in no matter what i do it doesn't get any better i don't i don't i know i'm not getting any kind of work that i want to do and mm my money's not working at all so yeah it feels pretty crappy thanks i have in the past yeah oh a long time i was fifteen i think or fourteen so it was over twenty years ago i was suicidal oh yeah i feel down mhm i don't actually no um well i originally stopped with my therapist because we had completed i mean we had worked on what needed to be worked on and i was no longer depressed and um and then i began therapy again later on think i was it was in my early thirties um and then i we ended that because i'd moved to ireland so yeah i mean depending on the therapist and depending on your intention like i i don't go into therapy thinking oh i'm gonna be in this therapeutic relationship for the next ten years i think that's ridiculous i think you go into therapy to um work on a specific problem and have a solution and have somebody be your sounding board who can see things that you can't see and you know work through that situation and come up with um a strategy for not just that not just creating a solution in that area but also just creating strategies and uh tools for the rest of your life so that you don't have to be in therapy forever the last time i felt really happy wow huh wow that's pretty sad um it was at least a year ago no i that's not true it was when i um saw my biological mother which was last may my best qualities um i'm very strong very strong-willed i um am very supportive and loving and nurturing um i'm easy to be around i'm intelligent and um yeah anything i regret i don't think so no don't take life too seriously oh my ideal weekend um i spend some time at the beach i'll spend some time with friends um either going out at night you know to a movie or just going out to um a club or a bar or somewhere that we can just sit and chat and be together um maybe go dancing after um and sundays i usually go to scrubbed_entry and then i have brunch with friends and um yeah i go home and sunday night i get ready for the next day so hmm i am most proud of um a few things i mean i've moved to places that i wanted to move to and uh so i've done things that have really spoken to me and have meant something you know been dear to my heart to actually um mm achieve those those um goals or those yeah i've done things that i've wanted to do like move to ireland and move to california mhm okay sure bye,1 +378, yes pretty good i grew up in boston about thirty years ago yep not too often maybe once a year sometimes less oh i love living in l_a i don't ever wanna live anywhere else well i came out here to go to college and i wanted to be far away from my parents and the weather was good and that's part of it uh very easy well maybe somewhat easy the beginning the first few weeks was really hard to just be in a new environment and to be away from everybody i knew but after a few weeks it was great broadcast journalism well it's something i'd wanted to do since i was twelve and everything i did from the time i was twelve until i went to college was sort of in pursuit of that dream no well it's kind of a long story but i got laid off from my first job when i was in my twenties and it just once i had done that work i realized that's not really what i wanted to do it was too cut-throat of a business and it just really wasn't suited for me it didn't make me happy yep my dream job is working with football players and helping them recover from concussions and other injuries well the work itself is not very hard i'm very good at what i do the hard part is finding the right people and making the connections to work with them it i used to i don't travel so much right now i love seeing different places and different things like i love going to places that are not like where i'm from my favorite trip is i went to australia for my thirtieth birthday 'cause i wanted to lose my thirtieth birthday as i crossed the international date line and i went to this really small place up on the uh west coast of australia called shark's bay where native dolphins live and swim and is very isolated for the most part and i got to be there for a whole week and just really just pretty much by myself with all these wild dolphins and they come and they swim with you and it's amazing just a beautiful beautiful spot in the world more shy why hmm that's a good question um partly the first thing i think of is 'cause i've always been that way but maybe that's an excuse i don't know um i just prefer to be quiet and i'd rather be with fewer people than lots of people so i watch t_v a lot or that's probably not the best alternative but it is something i do and i also walk on the beach 'cause i live close to the beach so that's one of my favorite things to relax pretty good it depends on the situation but most of the time i'm pretty good um i don't think i tend to argue with people i think i just get mad about situations but not at people directly hmm i don't know if i feel guilty about anything at the moment not sure i have one at the moment noise other people's noise makes me really mad um i live across the street from a bar and these people are so rude and obnoxious and not considerate about their neighbors that that just makes me really mad yeah hmm well the only one that comes to mind off the top of my head is is when i bought my condo it felt like a really hard decision at the time you know i didn't know that i could do it i didn't wasn't sure if i had the money to do it um so that felt like a really difficult decision but in hindsight course it turned out to be a great decision but at the time it was really difficult to do that pretty easy i sleep pretty well for the most part good i'm i'm just really worried about money at the moment so that's my biggest so i can't say that i'm like great but i it's 'cause i am worried but you know i'm also confident that things are gonna work out nope nope hmm i don't know i can't remember i mean i don't feel super happy all the time but i don't feel unhappy either sort of like just uh even keel well i got to go to the um my friends work at the motion picture academy so i get to see all the xxx oscar-nominated movies scrubbed_entry she was there one night so uh i really enjoyed catching up with her and seeing her again so that was very pleasant i think they would say um reliable and loyal and considerate and thoughtful no i really have worked hard on that i think there are lots of things maybe i would do differently but there's nothing that really i regret um well i just think that there are things that um like it's not worth wasting the energy to think about things that i regret so i don't have a lot of xxx regrets about things oh that's a good question um don't worry about the small stuff and save more money like well there's uh you know the normal things like i'd lose more weight and i would um uh think be a little more fearless maybe be a little more bold i don't think i have any the of those well i'm i am self-employed so i work all the time so my ideal weekend is having lots of clients um that's something i enjoy um so that would that would be ideal at this point my weekends if i were really busy that i've really been able to take care of myself and that you know i've done pretty much everything that i've said that i've wanted to do i've done that and i don't and i don't have regrets about things there's nothing really that eh is un feels undone in my life sure there's plenty of things i still wanna do um but i feel like i've done what i said i was gonna do yeah that's not so great well it's okay um both my parents are deceased and i have a sister and a brother um i feel closer to my brother than my sister but um they both live on the east coast and i live in l_a um and then i have my sister has two girls so i feel very close to my nieces although we don't talk as much as we used to 'cause they're teenagers so they have other things on their mind um probably my teacher a person i learned my holistic body work from i really like to model my work and my way of being after him like he's a a good role model for me the way he holds his work and the way he lives his life um we're pretty close we're not you know best of friends but i do i know that i can call him any time i need him um put me in a good mood usually being with my friends or going out to dinner or um yeah just spending time with my friends okay thanks bye,0 +379, yes i'm feeling okay little bit tired but for the most part feeling pretty good i'm actually originally from woodland hills which is out in the san fernando valley i was born there and then i moved to lomita which is in los angeles county about mm probably around nineteen ninety three so i mean i'm twenty three now so it's about what yeah nineteen years or so i've been living there yeah some things that that i really like i would have to say you know the beach um you know not so much the traffic don't really care for that but um definitely you know just kinda like the nightlife um you know just people in general i like conversing with others so yeah right yep yeah actually i do i mean i can't see your shoes but um yeah actually i do travel a lot i've been to places like hawaii been to the caribbean i've been to uh let's see um you know just different places like arizona i've been to oregon washington pretty much all over i would say so but usually mainly like um hawaii and the caribbean mexico as well so yep um i think it's just the experience you know like you can't you can kinda experience the culture um different people you know just just the whole background the scenery it's just you know it's it's something new to experience i would say something that you know people haven't seen before so well let's see i recently took a trip to hawaii a couple months ago that was back in december it was around christmas time new years so that was pretty fun we went to a couple different islands we went to uh let's see i think it was kauai went to oahu uh maui you know places like that so yep um you know i would have to say that um you know probably like in hawaii or like the caribbean you know just like i said before the whole experience factor just seeing um you know new different things things that are unique so yeah i actually study journalism right now i'm in my final semester so i'm about to graduate couple months yep well you know it's kinda funny 'cause you know i started off at a uh you know a two year community college and so you know i was going into uh like business management something to do with you know i think basically um accounting but you know i kinda figured that wasn't for me so i decided to go into journalism 'cause i i couldn't i mean you know i'd probably still be sitting at a desk but you know at least with journalism i can go out in the field and you know talk to people and you know kinda you know receive information gather information that sorta deal and then you know write up stories i just thought it was you know it was a lot more interesting for me as opposed to you know just kinda crunching numbers all day so yep my dream job i would have to say um you know some something in maybe radio broadcasting sports broadcasting um you know i think that would be really interesting something that's definitely a passion of mine so my relationship with my family it's it's pretty good you know i i live with my parents still like i said i'm twenty three years old um you know there's certain times when it can be a little bit shaky little bit rocky but for the most part it's it's pretty good you know i've i've matured a lot in the last few years so things are uh you know getting back up to speed i would say things are things are going pretty well you know i think it stems somewhere kind of in the middle you know sometimes i can be very outgoing and talkative to people when i'm relaxed and laid-back other times i kinda it's not so much like i go into my shell but you know at times like i can be kinda shy if i don't know people as well or if i haven't i've never met them before so it's one of those things that kinda yeah you kinda gotta meet me in the middle with it because you know i can either be talk very talkative or at times you know i i can be a little bit shy but you know once i once i get the conversation going i'm i'm fairly talkative and so um you know usually um i would listen to music or you know maybe just you know kinda go for a drive or uh you know hang out with my friends you know just something to just to kinda you know ease ease that you know 'cause you know like i said sometimes you get a little bit you know tense and you just wanna relax and you know just do the things that you enjoy so you know i've actually been better with that um couple years back you know i there was points where like i pretty much couldn't control my temper like whatsoever like

  • i mean i would just pretty much get angry at you know the littlest things everything would just kinda tick me off but you know i've i've definitely learned to uh you know control that sorta thing and you know it's made me a better person because of it well let's see i'm trying to think it's it was probably something with my family with my mother maybe it's i i can't remember off the top of my head but you know it's it's always something so miniscule that that's why i probably don't remember it but you know eventually we make up and i apologize for it because you know i accept that you know i'm wrong in certain you know certain circumstances yeah something that i feel guilty about um probably you know not being as nice to others as i could've been in the past you know i mean and that is the past and you know i don't like to dwell on that sorta thing but i think that's one thing that i that i've tried to work on but it's also one thing that i kinda regret not doing just being just being nice hardest decision i ever had to make uh it was pretty recent kinda tough because uh i actually have a buddy he was in the air force and he recently got diagnosed with uh paranoid schizophrenia so that was really tough and it's hard for me to talk to him because you know he's he's not really all there anymore like he used to be so it's one of those things where i feel like i'm kind of ignoring him and i don't wanna do that but at the same time i don't know his tendencies he could be a little you know crazy so probably like you know some sort of like traumatic stress disorder maybe when he was in the military so i don't know but yeah yeah it's pretty tough you know 'cause we go way back been best friends with him since i was probably about five six years old so it's just yeah it's just really hard to deal with but you know i i try to i don't i don't you know try to keep in the back of my mind but you know it's it's always there i don't i don't ever forget so yeah my best friend well he'd probably say that you know i'm i'm a pretty pretty down to earth guy usually pretty honest sometimes brutally honest but you know i try to work on that too um he'd probably say that i'm pretty funny um i like to hang out you know just kinda do things here and there you know just normal activities like any other person you know go to the beach hang out watch movies you know grab a few beers that sorta deal so yeah lately eh been feeling pretty good you know because you know things are starting to look up i actually got an internship about a month ago for um you know my field of journalism so that's good about to graduate in two months so i'm looking forward to that um starting to make a little bit more money that's you know that's good and uh yeah things are just going pretty well right now i can't complain yeah it's it's not bad you know like i said it could always be worse right but you know i'm i'm enjoying life so it's the that's the best part i have not no nope no last time i felt really happy man you know it was probably going back to my buddy when you know he was still still had his sanity i guess you could say um we you know he came back to visit from the air force he had some leave so you know we were just hanging out um you know just kicking back having a few beers and just talking about life so that that was nice but i miss that you know so i felt great you know it because there's nothing like having a best friend you can have conversation you know twenty four seven about anything can tell anything to him in confidence and he could tell me anything in confidence like that's hard to find you know especially someone that you've known for so many years and then you can't really get it back now so yeah yeah there there's a there's probably one or two things that i regret um well i mean i regret i got a d_u_i about three or four years ago actually it was four years ago so that's something that i definitely regret because you know i look back on it and you know things might've been different but at the same time you have to accept you know the actions you know circumstances that took place so you know i manned up and you know i guess i think i'm better off for it but at the same time you know it's it's always gonna be in the back of my mind like i said it's just one of those things that you have to deal with in your own way well you know it's one of those things like i was a child then so i i really don't know what to say i mean even if i would've listened then who knows but you know i probably would've told myself you know just be careful you know make sure you can be the best person that you possibly can can be um basically you know just always be nice be honest um just be caring toward others so um probably going back to uh my buddy with the whole uh paranoid schizophrenic thing i don't say that i wish i could erase it i just wish that it didn't happen like that so yeah my ideal weekend uh i usually keep it pretty pretty generic i tend to hang out with my friends um either you know we hang out in the day you know do certain things like you know maybe grab a few beers um you know just have casual conversation maybe play games watch movies you know just the standard stuff that people do so some things that i wish i could change um probably just you know be nicer like i said before um maybe not being as lazy have more determination i mean i i have quite a bit of determination i know what i wanna do with my life but i know there are times when i i kinda get a little lackadaisical so i wish i could improve upon that and not procrastinate as much so um well you know it's it's tough to think back but i would probably say a time when someone made me feel really bad is you know i would say probably like when i was you know kinda getting angry at certain people maybe just kinda chewing out my friends when i probably shouldn't have i was trying to give more constructive criticism but at the same time i knew it it was probably not my place to say those kinds of things and they were out of character so my best qualities i would say that i'm definitely hardworking i'm determined i'm very caring now more than i used to be very honest and you know i i just i love to talk to people like i like making new relationships i like making people laugh something that i did recently that i really enjoyed um you know it was probably over at my internship i was just you know i i wrote a story or two and it just felt good you know to get those stories done and eventually they're gonna go into the paper so i feel accomplished about that you know it's one of those things when you work at something and then you see the product right there you know it's right in your face and you can tell yourself you know like i did that so makes me feel good yep um you know just let's see eh few different stories eh just usually things about well the the paper's in long beach so it's usually about you know stories or events that are taking place in long beach so yeah i would say that i'm most proud of you know graduating high school about to graduate college hopefully you know obviously i'm gonna earn a degree and then hopefully get a you know a good solid job you know in the near future i think that's one thing that i'm most proud of thank you,0 +380, sure i'm fine i'm doing alright um yeah i'm from maryland yeah from maryland washington d_c area uh like five weeks ago maryland um it's a lot it's a lot less um uh xxx it's a uh it's not as nice this time of year it's more um uh it's it's good it's nice it's um l_a's a lot better though it's a lot it's a lot more people lot more going on um i'm still i guess i'm still getting used to it so um it's it's not like um yeah i'm still getiing used to it it's it's coming slowly but but surely i live in culver city i do i have one uh it's okay it's i live in a really nasty house it's uh it's cheap it's cheap 'cause i'm living in a friend's place um and uh but but and he's letting me stay there for half price but the the actual like place itself is pretty horrible horrible living conditions but i'm moving soon so i can't see your shoes actually uh but no i i travel xxx i would say i xxx i've probably traveled more than most people in the u_s like considering that most people don't travel in the u_s but i wouldn't i wouldn't call myself a world traveler or anything i enjoy the chance to get to like see other um walks of life and and and kind of like meditate on the the specificity of my own you know the the the the given the parameters that i grew up under like how different everyone else is like how how every life is totally um i mean even just within the u_s like seeing how someone in california grows up is so different from how someone in maryland grows up and then to think about someone in like thailand or something growing up it's pretty it's pretty amazing mhm uh okay um hmm putting me on the spot here ellie um let's see uh well um i it's been awhile since i've been on a trip i guess one of the last trips i did was to um i mean it a xxx like two years ago i went on road trip across the u_s and that was that was pretty amazing saw but i guess the best place the best two places on the road i drove from maryland to l_a this is before i actually moved out here but um i i visited new orleans and new orleans was just this whole like even though it's part of the u_s it's like a totally it's totally different than anywhere else it's so um unique the culture there is so unique and and the blend of like caribbean and french and all these other influences into like the american south is so so um uh incredible eh yeah it's just it's it's unreal yeah it's unreal hmm it's a tough question um one um i uh hmm you know i i i you can you come back to that question are you capable of that yeah come back to it yeah that's what i just said film you know that's actually a question i've been asking myself i knew i know i my entire life i've had like phases of interest so when i was like very very very young i was really into like the first phase that i remember was keys and then tools like i would go around collecting keys and then i'd go around collecting tool like just every sort of tool i had a toolbox my parents have told me that i had a phase before that with which was balls like various balls um and then i was really into like insects collecting insects and reptiles and and stuff and like animals and then it was a dinosaur phase and at a certain and eh at a certain point i got really into um like rap like music like first at first rap and then uh guitar and then acting and then at some point in there i i had told i rememeber telling someone that right now i'm interested in playwriting and and poetry but eventually i was going to be interested in in uh film like i i could kinda see the trajectory coming but i don't remember what led me to that conclusion i think i just always i was led a sheltered life uh as far as movies are concerned i didn't my parents didn't let me see an r-rated movie until i was like in high school almost like um and uh and i never uh so i never saw an r-rated movie i was also very squeamish like i remember when i was fairly young maybe like six i saw star wars the first scene in darth star wars darth vader crack like breaks a guy's neck and so just a little scene very at the very very beginning and that like freaked me out and i had to leave the room so i'm not really sure uh yeah it's it's it's um i don't i'm not exactly sure how i got into film but uh i've always been fascinated by like how people interact and what like you know acting and stuff so and movies in general i am yes um to be a filmmaker to be able to direct and uh put put together and make like i guess direct i don't mm use that word so much 'cause it i think i think of it more as like i i want the opportunity to put together and make movies uh or to make movies is probably the best way to do it uh to say it 'cause i want you know i want involvement in all the all the processes but i guess the best parabole for that would be a director directing well it's a lot better when i'm not living with them um my i guess um it's funny you should ask ellie um i've been thinking about it a lot lately i i think i'm close in my entire family i'm closest with my dad um i get along with my brother and sister you know like but i don't when away like my brother's in a foreign country right now so i don't have the opportunity to talk with him but like i spend more time talking to my dad than anyone else 'cause i feel like he's the most like of all my family he's the one who most accepts me and like um thinks positively about me um so it's i have like a a complicated relationship with my parents i mean and my family in general well on the myers uh briggs personality test i'm uh i'm an extrovert but lately like since moving but i'm not like um i'm not i probably would consider myself on the scheme of extroversion uh or on the scale of extroversion sorry um i would consider myself extremely introverted um i just i see other extroverts and just no matter who they're around they're able to like strike up conversations and i'm i'm a fairly shy person i'm sort of like uh or inhibited person maybe um so i like to like until yeah i'm but i'm working on it i'm working on it um well in the past i would smoke weed but i've quit smoking weed so now i you know i have a glass of wine and maybe watch a movie um i don't have or maybe go like depending if it's like an xxx if it's um if it's a worn out sort of stress like i'm just like then i that's what i do but if it's a more like anxious type stress i might go on a uh an intense walk don't really exercise that much but i like you know competitive sports and hiking pretty good well i always like arguing um i wouldn't call arguing necessarily losing my temper um i i enjoy uh a vicious debate um but i don't as long as my like 'cause i won't like revert to personal you know attacks uh in my in my arguments i try to keep it on subject um and try to explain myself as best i can which can get frustrating 'cause i'm not like the best articulator of what i think um one of my weaker points i would say but um but the last time i had a a heated debate i think that was was that the question um what happened i forget i forget the question that that i had a heated debate hmm the last time i had a heated debate was um i had a heated debate about uh the movie boogie nights um i was i i didn't lose my temper exactly but i get like very extremely passionate about about 'cause i i don't think it's like that good of a movie but the two people who i was i was arguing with were saying that it was like one of the like best um best movies why did they think it was the best movie um they think that like there's some there's some sort of they'll as i understand it they have um they have a certain uh they think that the like all of the stories within boogie nights they have their own um like each of them could be their own separate stories they just think that there's a whole like complexity of character within the movie and um that somehow like um what what were they saying they were saying like the movie it like xxx it's like the end of an era which makes it like kinda like casino and there's this attention to detail of of of the in the different character like how they how they interact in the plot um kind of like uh yeah i guess i think the heated debate became about like then so from there and uh like personally i it's not like a bad movie or anything but it's the um i just don't think dirk diggler is like that like meaningful meaningful of a character like i i guess the way i come out i came out of the movie 'cause i had seen it before many years ago and eh i my opinion of it is basically the same even though like i remember like in watching it again i was able to reevaluate it um there's nothing bad about the movie there's nothing articulable like articulable about that's it's like solid good solid acting you know the directing is good the camera moves are cool um the eh it really you know it's cool it's but but it's meaningless for me it was like meaningless and then to and then there were that led us to discuss 'cause a movie that i saw recently that i really did like was django unchained and they both saw that movie and they hated that movie and then there was this extreme i guess the heated part of the conversation came about like so in the movie django unchained um you have django and django is like a kinda he's a two dimensional character but i don't think that that necessarily takes away from what the the big the big purpose of the movie is and um and you have doctor king schultz who's this uh who's this like his mentor character and the person i was arguing with was saying that he was intelligent and uh so and because he was intelligent there's no way he would've risked his life to save django or like would've gone into this like second act where they go and they go to this uh uh plantation to to save django's wife etcetera and um and the reason the the reason for her giving that argument which like either you buy that he would do that or he wouldn't but the reason for her argument is that an intelligent person would not sacrifice themself for someone else um which strikes which strikes me as so like um like who uh like she she her basic her basic argument was that altruism like altruism doesn't exist it was a very ayn rand type argument altruism doesn't exist um the only the only thing you can do is serve like the only thing people do is serve themself um so it's not quite ayn rand but it's like the only people thing that people like all people are out to serve themself which i'm not arguing that like every decision has like a mix of altruism and and so like even the most altruistic type decision there's maybe like kernels of self self-interest in there but she made it sound like self-interest was the only motivating factor in and and like what but what how how horrible is your life if that's like what your ultimate um purpose like if you if you can't like love and sacrifice for other people so it led into an extremely uh passionate debate um and uh somewhat like yeah and it's it uh so um so yeah that that i guess that's the the i don't think i necessarily like lost my temper um i think of losing my temper as being more um like i just so i i would so revert to um ad hominem like attacks uh but i i didn't like that's not um maybe i was like maybe i was criticizing like criticizing her world view but it i wasn't like well you're an idiot you know like it wasn't it didn't it didn't turn into abuse of any sort yeah i'm glad you understand an event or a i don't know if i necessarily would want to erase anything from my memory i would say an issue that i have is not being able to remember in as much detail as i would like i remember feelings and moments not stories um like my life doesn't sync always sync together into like a coherent story it's like this moment and that moment and this moment and that moment so yeah the hardest decision i've ever had to make oh geez could it just be one of the hardest decisions hmm um like choosing between two things that it's like i guess i i'm having a hard time recalling a moment where i like had to choose between two options like no there's no like sophie's choice type moment in my life but i but i do think that the decision 'cause i lived in new york for a while i went to school in new york and uh the decision to leave new york after having lived there for five years was a was very very difficult um and uh but i had to do it for money reasons and because all of my all of my core group of friends were either like leaving were most of them were leaving and going other places in the world and then uh the one other person who i was close to was living with someone who i did not get along with at all so it was like this situation where i didn't i was either gonna live with people who i wasn't as close with or craigslist or or move home and i i think it was a tough decision to to leave i i had in fact it was so tough that the only way i could do it i had to justify it by saying that i would be moving back to new york within like a month or two uh which wasn't which didn't end up happening but that was the only way that i could leave new york it was how hard was that or how hard is how hard was that um it was hard um it was it was yeah it was it was just a very like isolating isolating 'cause also like i'd fallen like previously to that time i had fallen in love with one of my like closest another one of my close very close friends and uh that had kind of gone extremely badly and so i wasn't on speaking terms with her and i couldn't like that whole everyone on my list of friends who was like more closer to xxx her it was wasn't quite like her or me type thing but that that was the way that i kind of saw it at the time so i didn't like you know just being socially isolated etcetera yeah well recently it's been awful um i uh i like two so the last last night i slept for like ten and a half hours um which seems to be the length of time that i have to sleep in order to have really vivid dreams but previous to that night so last not last night but the night before last and the night before that i got four hours and two hours of sleep um because i was working on set and i would get back and either and i just like couldn't fall asleep for whatever reason it's um too much riled up energy or something i i don't know tired uh very not immediately i guess initially upon waking up like i really enjoy being up in the early morning and um i also stopped drinking caffeine like i i've had like a little bit of coffee the last two days but before the last two days i hadn't had any coffee in like three and a half weeks so um i guess with with caffeine in my system i'm ready to i'm ready to go um without caffeine it's i'm just i'm just quieter i guess more introverted since like lately as in when um change in my thoughts yeah i mean i guess when having just moved here there was a period of time like eh at the beginning where the the sheer difficulty of finding a job and finding people to xxx 'cause i moved here 'cause i have a group of friends here or couple of friends but i don't have like a a large number of friends and the the push to to get out there and meet people and find a job and that sort of pressure was pretty um overwhelming at first and i think that i'm slowly like coming to terms with that um and moving you know moving past it i i but not necessarily you know like it's still it's still there the pressure's there but i'm just you know you you know you know no i just nope the last time i felt really happy might have to reach back um i think the last time i felt really happy was uh during the writing process of so last year i shot a movie um co-wrote co-directed co-produced um and that was kinda like that it still consumes my life but um but i i i think during the writing stages of that movie in which we would bunker like get up eat breakfast bunker down work really hard put stuff up on the thing just like pure creative full energy um between between me and the person writing it and and there's like probably like a xxx a day that i remember where it's just i remember going to bed and i was just so thrilled to be working on what i was working on and and and working with the person i was working with and like just like i felt like it yeah i guess that was the the last time that was that was like eh more than a year ago though but i guess it's hard to hard to think that i haven't been really truly happy since then but when you're making a movie like you don't you can't allow yourself to be happy really especially if you're doing it you know basically by yourself with with like xxx like can't it's too much else to do so i would say that i'm very accepting like accepting of other people and always eh i'm very empathic empathic empathic um and open open like excited about new ideas and open to new ideas and yeah um hmm um i guess i wish i was less uh uh less ruled by fear more fearless more fearless in my you know everyday interactions and in my like um you know zest for for living um yeah i xxx i other things i would change about myself i'd i would i don't know hmm really badly about myself um i think there are numerous numerous instances in my childhood in which my like uh like every single time there was an issue at school or some sort of um some sort of uh conflict with a teacher or anything my parents were always always on the other side of the court you know like never it was i i noticed or noticed as i got older that other people other parents were like if their kid was in trouble like there was something wrong with with like their kid was perfect there's something wrong with other people but my parents were it was always the opposite um in particular my mom so i would say that there a couple of instances in which um i was like blamed or like you know it was my it was my fault um when when what i was doing like yeah it's just thing things things that i couldn't like there's no yeah i don't know yeah ten years ago um stay stake you know like i i think that there's um i have a tendency to like i love love the fact that i have a tendency to get really caught up in ideas in an idea and like devote myself entirely to it but sometimes um ideas are too easily xxx i would just say like do as much as possible like don't don't decide that you um are only going to do one thing um try to like i guess i would've taken up like some done taken piano learn learn to read music would be a big thing for me learn to play the drums would've been drums more than reading music i would say i'd love to learn how to play the drums and maybe done more like acting classes um as far as like 'cause i was always really into directing so i was always directing actors and stuff but i didn't it's only now that i um i don't know i guess stay uh don't stay stay stay focused yeah i don't know that's a tough tough question tough question ellie that's it sure goodbye bye,1 +381, yes okay from santa monica uh the people mostly well the people also uh no not a lot well i can't afford to travel as much as i'd like to mm i was an english major uh i just liked reading a lot at the time so it sounded like the best thing well the most fun thing to study no not anymore oh i guess my dream job would be to manage a uh soccer club oh it'd be pretty much impossible for me um i don't have any experience in that field i'm very shy i play music what do i do when i'm annoyed i don't know um what do i do when i'm annoyed i can't think of anything i don't know i don't think yeah i don't do anything specifically uh pretty good i would say very good i don't lose my temper very often mm when was the last time i argued with someone i can't remember uh yeah i don't have a lot of conflicts with people i can't remember the last time i argued with someone well let's see when i was um a little kid i was outside my grandparents' uh restaurant and there was a robbery and i saw it i well i saw it when when the robbers were leaving um yeah maybe i would want to erase that from my memory if i could well i didn't know what was happening in that moment so i didn't feel so bad at the time but i felt bad afterward because then um you know my mother was upset by it my mother was there and she had to call the police and it was it was disturbing to see her you know really disturbed that way but at the time that it actually happened i wasn't really upset it was more the the aftermath of it mm it was it was situation that i don't know um well i can think of um there's probably a million situations that i would've i wish i would've handled differently i can't think of one in particular um maybe i think that when i was a kid i um well i think that when i was let's see well i have okay i have a good one um i didn't marry the girl that i think that i should have married so that's a big one for me yeah well we we were together for about four years and uh i think i just took her for granted and i just didn't uh commit and um that was a long time ago and now that's it's been so many years i realize well i don't know that if it's a realization but i think now that that yeah she should've been my wife that we were meant for each other or made for each other but because my selfishness and because i just uh had this fear of commitment at the time i just felt like i didn't uh i didn't do what i should've done what what the smart thing would've been well the last thing i can think of that i would say i feel guilty about was no i feel a lot of guilt about my my friendships i've not i don't feel like i'm as as good of a friend as i could be but then at the same time i don't really know exactly what uh how i could be a better friend i just feel a little guilty that i'm not that i can't help people anyone who who has a problem i can't i never feel like i can help anyone who i know who has a problem so oh that happens every day i guess it that happens with everyone who i know and everyone all of my relatives and all of my friends i don't feel like i can really give them anything or help them in their lives you know well they're um it's very distant it's it's just it's very cordial and it's very uh uh i don't know what the word is it's on the it's kept at a very surface level i don't think that they know i don't think that my family really knows me very well at all and uh i don't know them very well either not not in a not in a true sense so yeah it's it's i think a lot of families are that way but it it is it does bother me that mine is that way oh it's very easy i sleep a lot and i um yeah i i i have no problem sleeping at all no not not really i would say they way i am now it's the way i think i've been my whole life so even when i was a little kid i slept a lot also and no i don't think i've i've changed much mm pretty down but like i said in a way i could say yeah i'm feeling really down but then again i've always been this way so it's hard to say that's it's down when it's consistently that way yes a long oh a long time ago i was um about ten years old or around there about uh i was just missing a lot of school i didn't wanna go to school so eventually uh they sent me to to a therapist and then to a psychologist and then to a psychiatrist and uh it went from there no i haven't gone to therapy since i was a teenager well i didn't feel it was helping me at all so one day i just decided i didn't wanna go anymore eh uh well like i said it i didn't feel that it helped me um so i guess it i don't know that it affected me much no i wouldn't say disturbing no mm well i feel pretty happy whenever i see my nephew and uh i have a my best friend's children are i feel like they're my my nephew and my niece and i'm pretty happy when i'm around them uh my ideal weekend would be um i would travel i would probably be traveling i i would really enjoy just getting out of the city every weekend um eh going anywhere really just anywhere out of the city uh just seeing the way different people live and how people are different wherever you go i really do think people are different when you go to different places and how they interact with you and how they see the world different food um and i also like historical places i i'm into history and i and i enjoy um just visiting anywhere that has some sort of a historical significance oh i haven't taken a trip in a long time um the last trip i really took was i went to france a few years ago for a wedding and i had a really good time there and i had always wanted to go to paris and so i got to go to paris and then i went to a little town um that's a few hours away from paris where the actual wedding was and yeah it was really fun i think the the church where the wedding was was uh like a thousand years old so yeah it was a really cool trip like i don't know i don't i don't know what's what would would be considered memorable uh a memorable experience probably the most memorable experience i guess would just be nothing in particular but but living with the girl who i just who i told you earlier that i think now that we should've gotten married um that's something that stays in my memory that's why i'm saying it's memorable because it's it's still with me and um eh it's something that i don't think you know well i'll know i'll never forget it but it's not any mm particular day or any particular moment you know oh a lot um wish i could be healthier for one thing uh more energetic and um more friendly well no i think i am pretty friendly but more uh more outgoing more social more uh more social um those two things mainly i guess i would like to be more more social more enthusiastic and more and healthier oh that's a good question my best friend how would my best friend describe me i think i think he would say that i'm a very well it sounds cheesy but it he would probably say that i'm a very spiritual person and that i'm very giving i i think i'm a lot more selfish than people think i am but people think that i'm not selfish um and probably he would say that i'm creative also wow well my advice to to myself i don't understand the question yeah but we already talked about it nah i can't uh well i don't think that i really believe in in being proud or in in pride um i don't think that it accomplishments are really something to be proud of but i can't really think of any accomplishment anyway even if i did have something to be proud of no i can't think of anything any sort of accomplishment i've had uh something i did recently that i really enjoyed well i sang karaoke with a couple of friends of mine and i don't usually do that but yeah i had a that was a lot of fun a few days ago thank you ,1 +382, sure i'm doing fine i'm from columbia south carolina yep uh two thousand four yeah uh once a year for christmas break uh a lot slower paced more xxx i wanted to perform to pursue a film degree or i'm sorry a film career yes it's pretty challenging but it's uh fun uh i've always had a interest interest in uh film and movies so uh it seemed like a natural pick for me uh took about a couple of years but uh i feel like i'm pretty used to it now uh i like that uh it doesn't snow it's warm weather and there's lots do to with a lot of beaches uh the traffic and the cost of living is pretty high i've never been outside of the u_s but uh i would love to at some point uh it depends on the situation i i can either be introverted or extroverted just given uh the right circumstance i like uh listening to music uh doing crossword puzzles reading and hanging out with friends on weekends uh very good hmm uh i don't think it was argument maybe maybe a difference of opinion so it was more like a debate but uh it was pretty pretty tame uh i think it was a debate over sports over a basketball a basketball game and uh i was talking on facebook with somebody about it but i think it's good to uh express yourself if you have a difference of opinion it's uh it's natural to you know not always agree on things so i think talking talking about is healthy is healthy i have a very good relationship with my family um i get along with all of my family members and extended you know cousins and aunts and uncles so uh there's no one that i i've ever had any rifts with hmm with my family hmm i probably could've been more disciplined growing up and more uh more disciplined with schoolwork and homework that kinda thing but for the most part uh i had a i had a good childhood and uh there's not much i would change about it hmm probably leaving my comfort zone in uh south carolina moving out here that was pretty hard but at the same time it was uh exciting so it was it was a bittersweet feeling um a lot of excitement mixed with uh some anxiety but it uh it went away pretty quickly sure not doing better in school uh when i was in high school uh definitely i could've been a a um more diligent worker and i could've uh applied myself a little bit better hmm i've always had a strong support uh family support system and uh parents and uh siblings so that's definitely a positive thing hmm an event uh probably going back to school i wish i would've uh wish i would've done better in school so if i could take something back from my past it would be uh scholastically scholastically related it's pretty easy when i don't sleep well um i tend to be kinda lackadaisical and uh just tired throughout the day kinda groggy uh no everything's pretty much uh the way it usually is with me i've been feeling pretty good uh no i have not uh no i haven't last time i felt really happy um i made a lot of money uh a few weeks ago and uh i feel like i'm ahead of the game with you know with having rent under control and a lot of bills out here so i'm still kinda have the lingering effects from that happiness yeah uh when i when i have money i tend to be a lot uh more even-tempered not even-tempered but i tend to feel better about things and more optimistic and this city being such about your finances it it always makes you feel good to be ahead of the game and to have uh xxx have sources of income uh i think i'm creative and i think i'm a good listener hmm to be as disciplined and focused as possible because once you're out of your parents' homes and out of their lives you have to depend on yourself and the better the better you do in school and the better you are um uh as far as discipline's concerned the more pleasurable pleasurable your life will be and a lot eh uh your life will be a lot easier hmm let's see here i wish i was more disciplined but i'm working on that and i've gotten a lot better at that it's become pretty easy i think i'm just getting older um i'm out of my twenties now so i definitely seen a change from when i first came out here hmm um some people tend to say that my decision to move out here was uh not feasible and kind of a pipe dream so that kinda made me feel bad but uh i kinda take insults in stride and um sometimes i welcome constructive criticism 'cause some some things are wrong with you that you're not aware of so as long as it's not mean-spirited and it's coming from the right place i think it could be an invaluable uh tool you know listening to what to what other people have to say that might be negative hmm uh probably optimistic and um outgoing optimistic and uh helpful my ideal weekend uh i would love to go to vegas and have a road trip with with three or four friends you know packed in the car and just uh lots of disposable income and um you know good weather uh i haven't been to vegas in probably five years but um i've gone to casinos with my brother and that's pretty fun sometimes uh i'm proud that i've come a long way from when i first moved out here i'm uh a lot more disciplined um i read a lot uh i do crosswords and i think i've i think i know what's important in life now and i'm more focused and going after what i want hmm i'm not a big fan of high taxes um but it doesn't really make me mad it makes me frustrated and and uh i guess i take it in stride though uh i had a friend over at my apartment and i watched a movie and that was fun it was a documentary a sport a sports sure goodbye,0 +383, yeah i'm totally fine it be confidential or not you know my words my words are everybody's get wild i'm doing pretty good hanging out nice weather um i just had a recent change of feeling just now looking at you the the digitial you that i'm saying uh i don't know it's yeah it's funny um because i just always thought that uh the conveying of emotions or feelings uh be like better understood with a human interaction as opposed to a non human entity such as yourself yeah i i think you see what i mean i'm from um born and raised in los angeles venice area mar vista specifically um that's where i'm from um well there's a lot more that i don't like but what i do like is that public transportation is coming up uh that the idea of certain you know medical drugs like marijuana is a prevalent you know topic very thought upon and i feel that los angeles' deep culture is um why i stay here and pursue my art because there's a lot to there's a lot to gain from the different communities if you understand yeah um well the the human mentality here is um is very very hectic very chaotic you know a lot due to the vehicle the car the freeway and this idea that we're on a grind you know this yeah it's it's a very it's it's very hectic um atmosphere human atmosphere that is not very conducive for a supporting loving community to help each other out kind of thing yeah well i can't see your shoes but um i love to travel i do love hiking i do love surfing swimming biking riding taking rides uh i do love to travel yeah um from my travels it's not like well i do enjoy a lot of things about travel but it's more like what do i it's it's just more like i i enjoy not being uh trapped in the city with all these uh made up ties and restraints i enjoy traveling because i get to see the world as it really is instead of this uh faux image you know man man made image that it is here so i love traveling because i get to get out of this and see the world as it is thanks would you okay um well i um kind of recently last year went to los banos central california area and although it wasn't that far from l_a it was completely different energy um there was no phones there was no wifi there's no t_v there was um there was sanity there was a relative sanity in the sense that um people weren't diluted and getting all of this input from digital media and outer influence people were just raw real and hiking and chilling I was working at a hot spring resort and i just got to breath and hike and farm and do a lot of carpentry yeah um not hard you don't you don't even think about difficulty when you're doing things you truly love and enjoy so it wasn't um i guess uh kind of what i described about the city i just wanted to uh get out of here and kind of kind of just get out of here really and just experience the real the real deal yeah um well currently i'm studying um currently i'm studying physical therapy i'm about to become a licensed massage therapist but before that yeah kind of cool but before that i was going to scrubbed_entry um for music composition so i was just writing scores for films animations dance productions theater productions stuff like that yeah it was it was cool it was fun trippy very trippy um but it was cool but i had to leave that because tuition hikes up to you know going up to like fifty thousand a year for like a four year b_f_a is uh not not the deal not trying to trap myself with these uh chains of federal loans so yeah hey that's not a good word sucks um dream job hm my dream job would be anything that i can do to alleviate these uh metropolitan like cities from the nightmare that they've been put in my dream is to alleviate the nightmare my dream is to incite dream back within the modern human world and with you know physical therapy and artistic expression i've got some great ideas yeah um i guess more outgoing i just like i just like experiencing things so outgoing yeah i thought that was really funny um what i do to relax is uh just kind of breath it out chill maybe make a smoothie or some tea and i go bike riding write yeah hmm pretty good i guess i haven't yelled in a long time um well it wasn't arguing i don't i don't really argue much i just like to state my opinion and have it be understood and i like the person that i'm conversing with to say their opinion and have it understood so the last time that happened was uh i guess yesterday chilling in downtown with a friend from new york and we were talking about writing and basically we were not arguing but talking about opinions and that sometimes things are not ready to be written yeah so yesterday hm guilty that's tough i haven't had that feeling in a long time guilt what about you what's something you feel guilty about okay mm i don't really wish i could erase anything from my memory 'cause then that would just be like i would feel something was lacking from my current present life if something just got erased you know butterfly effect kind of like yeah hmm um maybe the time scrubbed_entry um she was going to school i was taking the year off and i was just kind of hanging around um but we had an apartment together with another friend and it didn't turn out you know not all nothing turns out as it's thought to be and that's kind of the beautiful thing about it but this one turned out a little uh a little different actually quite different than i thought it would be and i thought it was funny but yeah it ended up uh me leaving before the lease ended and that actually ended up yeah with us separating but that's something i wish uh maybe i handled a little more thoughtfully the hardest decision huh hm maybe maybe not the hardest but a hard decision i had to make was leaving school dropping my uh continuation of achieving being a b_f_a yeah that could've been the hardest um it's just uh i don't i mean of course money money is the motto money's a big issue tution hikes going around the whole nation not a fan of that not a fan of support not a fan of support that but um yeah that's probably one of the biggest reasons why i just don't support these crazy tution hikes going around and um but another reason why i decided to leave i had to make a hard decision to decide to leave was also because um art institute you know um that's a that's a funny idea in itself already and basically i was a musician being taught by a musician to make music and same with you know all the all the dancers or the theatre students you know getting taught dance to to a dancer from a dancer how to dance you know and it's just um yeah it's just not quite as artistic as i thought art would be art art comes from somewhere uh somewhere sweet and deep and purple and uh not not from out there you know so yeah hm if i if i um it's kind of easy i mean it depends you know if i remember to make some chamomile tea or if i remember to breathe and go through my mantras or remember to do my pre like dream therapy work then i can get into it real nice um but if i just get deluded with all my thought then it takes a long time until i remember to breathe yeah um yeah basically just what i said just breathing or you know if i'm hanging out with friends coming home late and if i get the lucky chance to be uh medicated from you know a nice a nice indica um then it really does you know indica does put me down pretty nice pretty drowsy so a lot of things breathing you know mm you know medical herbs uh like chamomile and cannabis and just uh going just relieving myself of bad bad juju mm mm i i guess not if i can't think of something no i've been feeling kind of like kind of like this kind of just cruising on a on a grey line but it's a nice grey it's a really nice hue um some people wouldn't like this but i really like that and it's uh it's stable yeah it's it's comfortable yeah no no i haven't not by a certified um medical professional no but no i haven't um yeah i mean i just think like the whole you know like you said p_t_s_d depression and you know other you know mental instabilities i think everybody is depressed i think everybody is overjoyed i think everybody's angry i think everybody's shy everybody's social all at the same time you know it's just different days different you know variants different floats different boats you know different waves different swells um so yeah i think i'm depressed i think i'm really happy i think i'm really angry i think i'm really friendly you know all that but just on different variants different floats really happy um i i mean i feel really happy a lot uh and i feel really sad a lot but really happy was uh i guess maybe this morning when i just biking over here just enjoying the sun enjoying the breeze biking yeah it is um well i have a lot of best friends and they describe me all all pretty differently but underlying that same idea that maybe i'm just uh maybe in a nutshell just kind of aquarius i guess well i'm twenty one so twenty years ago i would've told myself to keep being a baby uh stay young and don't lose sight you know don't stop listening keep letting things happen don't make them happen be be a beautiful baby that's what i would've told myself or yeah be a beautiful baby mm um well i guess recently what has been shown to me uh through me by me is um my ability to work with others and i'm mainly speaking in an artistic standpoint i've been uh collaborating a lot with artists working on a lot of different um mediums mixed media projects and i'm really comfortable with it and with other peoples and melting our ideas together yeah mm that's a weird question like um like that's trying to make me single out the you know one moment that i today reflect upon and think about like it's some past glory that i'm not capable of fulfilling today so i think the proudest moment of my life is right now chiling hanging with you yeah thank you mm it's interesting um my immediate family is uh mother father younger sister older brother older brother is in south asia just kind of backpacking around uh younger sis she's really chill she kind of does music too and we just hang out we're really cool mom mama i'm really chill with love her to death uh she gets me and dad uh he he doesn't get me but i love the art that he makes he he does crazy painting and i kind of get him through that but uh uh yeah there needs to be more communication which is being worked upon hm cool yeah thanks for wondering about my thoughts goodbye so i guess i push this guy oh so i could still talk to you or i could push this button but this is kind of fun and you can laught you should laugh one more time can you do other things than laugh,1 +384, yes i'm doing fine indiana yes uh i don't know maybe ten years ago never uh just don't like the cold weather l_a has beautiful weather and activities all the time new life uh reasonably easy the good weather the ocean and there's always something to do hm uh the traffic sometimes seeing new places uh and visiting new people well a couple years ago i went to the catalina islands for my birthday i was i spent the whole day uh on the catalina islands i took a boat there uh hopping on the airplane and leaving indiana for good okay sleeping uh being a filmmaker because it's one job i haven't had yet not too hard shy hm because of my past um i just have trouble making new friends and just let trusting people okay uh watch t_v or go to the movies i really don't have a temper when i was sixteen my stepfather uh because of uh nightmares i was having i was just having nightmares about my childhood about my involving my biological father so far i have no idea if they are or not uh go for a walk or drive uh maybe a few days ago uh just walked around the block a few times pushing people away uh i guess try to trust them a little bit more let them in my life little bit more well that'd be easy that'd be the first half of my life it'd be easier to start a new life if i can't remember my old one uh really i mm all my decisions is not that hard i just try to avoid stress and everything so i don't really have hard decisions uh well every time i push someone away i wish i handled all those situations differently uh well uh whenever someone gets too involved involved in my life i always say or do something to make them want to stay away from me um this depending on the type of person they are uh i really don't have a relationship with any of my family i know i have a sister someplace in vegas a half of a brother in indiana uh my stepfather's in arizona other than that i have no relationship with any of them um we really don't talk so it's kind of hard to talk about them edgar cayce well he died way before i was born and i only know him from like books and documentaries uh really not that easy um i usually usually take me like a few hours to get to finally get to sleep once i lay down in my bed uh well basically i try to lay down i have stressful racing or stressful thoughts a few times i might even try to listen to music for one hour just to see if it calms me down stressed out and just yeah just basically a little stressed out well i've been feeling a little bit lately a little bit upset and just wish my life was different uh well i wish i had friends and loved ones and all of that and i wish i had an actual relationship and everything but i don't well lately i live
  • i move we moved a bunch of stuff things out my stress life stressful things like bills and what not and just try to keep uh to make sure there's the least amount of stress in my life by just removing just different things out my life and trying to incorporate new things yes i i guess we're number sixteen nightmares uh stopped a while back because it was getting too stressful well basically i just i just pushed like i got rid of them out my life because i didn't feel like they was really listening to me or anything and uh yeah so i just didn't feel too much beneficial help from them so i've been looking for alternative means uh well just basically like music and going forcing myself to go to like different social related events yes depressed mm just but basically just depressed uh keeping myself locked in not talking to anyone uh uh i guess a few days ago okay well basically i feel that the best way to keep people in my life is having fake people in my life by playing online multiplayer games with avatars and user names and everything and i just have some uh fun going into virtual worlds with these avatars and talking to people that way so they don't know who i really am they don't even know my real name okay well my ideal weekend uh let me see is uh if i'm not working that weekend i will get up maybe go to like starbucks or a mcdonalds get online while eating or drinking something maybe play a online multiplayer game for a little while and then later on in the day maybe go to a movie uh whatever's playing then uh go someplace else relax watch some t_v um and maybe put on a d_v_d movie and um or i might spend the day i the whole day driving to someplace i haven't been before or it's been a long time since i've been just try to spend the day in that area and just yeah so that's the weekend my life i just regret how my life turned out i wish i wish i had a more normal stable life uh let me see ten twenty years ago i was especially uh i would just tell myself to keep a journal or something uh or to basically tell myself how my life will turn out now so that way hopefully the other me will make different choices uh my mind well i wish i wish i was a bit healthier i wish i looked a little bit better i wish my eyesight was a lot better and i wish i had a bunch of people in my life that i could call friends um i'm a freaking genius i could uh everything that i'm good at i learned self taught so basically i can't get a career in that type of stuff unless i go to school for it but it's hard to it's basically easier if i teach myself than like take some type of a class to do it and everything 'cause yeah basically yeah just basically the fact i'm a freaking genius okay thank you have a good day,1 +385, yes good how are you los angeles uh weather entertainment traffic no too too many people business uh just fun thing to do yes nothing much to talk about hm maybe talking to you um pretty good environment pretty good the middle sleep i don't know don't remember no nothing really um i don't know i can't remember um bad people you know just bad people doing back things uh car accidents mm don't don't know any of them don't really know any uh nobody no no somewhat okay just waking up thinking no i i don't know no i don't know hm don't don't remember i i don't know talking to you first time i've done this before i have no idea sleep not too much nothing don't have any experience um i don't know not sure um just be a nice person not sure nothing much no i don't know i don't know i don't know play sports basketball mm last month goodbye,1 +386, yes oh um fine a little tired but uh i found out my thyroid is i think acting up so i was born in canada and but i've lived in california most of my life so and it's grey today too so the grey weather makes you kinda um you know sluggish the oh my gosh years and years ago uh not at all i don't think i've gone back there for a long time well the airfares have gone up quite a bit in the last few years gas prices have gone up so travel as much as it's a fun thing to do it's cost prohibitive so uh huh oh let's see everything has plus and minuses um cold weather not as much sun so i think i'd prefer getting more sun and having the warm weather so but other than that it's um it's very pretty back there natural scenery and but uh i like it here and you know the traffic's kind of heavy but that's a small thing to deal with so mhm why did i move to l_a because my family came here and started uh my dad got a job here and this became our home base and uh that's why easy very easy so uh huh uh well in high school you generally study general ed yeah it's they have designated courses and then after that went to college and i was a business major let's see i was a veterinary major and uh i graduated with a degree in liberal arts so um i don't know can't really pinpoint why so i was working in social services but i've also worked in sales and most recently i'm doing real estate i'm a leasing consultant part time i mean everything has plus and minuses it's it's okay it's not i don't really see too many negatives oh probably to work as a uh gossip columnist at t_m_z or one of those networks but as you know everything in the entertainment business is very competitive it's who you know so but that would be my dream job or probably working with uh cats you know animals so i'm very outgoing in fact i think i'm so outgoing i scare people sometimes there's a lot of quiet you know reserved people out there so i'm kinda east coast very you know i go up to people and talk to them very social oh my gosh there's i could do hundreds of things i could read i could watch a show turn on the music music is great um take a walk uh call my friends million things so i'm pretty good i'm very good i mean you know of course when you're driving in l_a and somebody cuts in front of you sometimes that can be irritating but i'm i'm actually pretty i'm not the type of person that will fight or get i don't like to have confrontations so mhm mm i can't really remember so as i said there's not very many arguments usually i avoid arguments at any cost so i don't really feel guilty about anything right now or that i can think of mm i can't think of anything right now i really can't think i of any decisions that were really hard i mean most it's pretty easy for make me to make a decision so i don't have a family so if i have to you know i had to move san to san francisco for a job once but since i'm single it's i don't really have to consider other people and children and that type of thing so it kinda makes certain things easier when you don't have a family to consider mm yeah an event hmm well obviously you don't you know the passing of a family member you know you wish everybody could be around forever so i know when my father died you know i mean i wish i would've had him for a lot longer i mean he died at the age of seventy seven and you know would've been nice to have him around a little bit more but you know can't control those things life has it's own way of dealing with that so mhm yes there are yin and yang that's ancient uh philosophy and it really applies there's pluses an minuses and negatives and positives so well as i said my dad's no longer here and my mother and i you know we have our differences i think mothers and daughters always do um my brother and i get along great i see him a lot i see my sister works a lot i see her and you know we talk and she's kinda got her own life and her children i get along great with them so mhm we have a small family uh once again it's like that's a hard question to answer there's so many types of kids out there i think majority of them seem to be pretty well-behaved i mean you know there's always gonna be children that are kinda out of control but um i don't know the ones that i've seen recently they're very well-behaved so can't say much else about that well i live in an apartment and i don't know if you've ever lived in apartment but um uh there's someone that lives above me i'm on the first floor and there's somebody on the second floor and they're pretty quiet but they have a habit of i guess they have lots of energy um they usually will take their showers around midnight and sometimes they'll start washing laundry at midnight and of course the pipes run through the bedroom wall so so it sounds like niagara falls in there and uh so i don't yeah and i need eight hours of sleep and i've only been getting ooh i'd say like maybe six hours and then i usually wake up once at night too 'cause sometimes they'll kind of around two or three in the morning they'll either walk around or i'll hear something so i'm not getting a straight eight hours of sleep and it's definitely but there's not like i said there's things you can't control when you live in an apartment you know i mean the the lady's uh very quiet it's just that she has a habit of you know taking later showers washing clothes at night that's i can't say anything to her about that so yeah but you know there's people that are in worse situations so i don't make a lot out of it you know and i just it's not like every night but it's you know at least twice a week so i you know i have to consider maybe sleeping in another room but for now you know that's i'll deal with it so tired very tired and hard to focus hard to concentrate it just takes me longer to get things done 'cause i don't have my energy also i haven't been exercising i normally try to walk about half an hour a day but the weather's been kinda colder and kinda drearier so you know i'm not as motivated when the weather's kinda blah so it's a combination of both not getting my exercise and not getting eight hours sleep mhm uh as i said before um tired i'm i it's a combination of the weather you know and here in los angeles right now we're have been having very grey days i live very close to the ocean so the sun doesn't come out that much so i'm not getting my serotonin i need that i um i'm not getting my eight hours of sleep because you know whatever and i think my thyroid is acting up too so that's kind of creating you know i have some vitamin deficiencies and you know once the sun comes out i'm kinda more energetic it just gives you that more energy so no mm mm no i am i'm happy most of the time i'm a pretty happy person and i like to be around other people i mean of course i like my private time but i do like being around people quite a bit so hmm can't think of anything right now i mean i usually enjoy everything i do there's nothing that stands out more than anything else so no i never regret anything uh huh what advice would i have given well i guess yeah i could probably change things around i think it everybody could um i probably would've had a different college major um you know seems like uh what else um i probably wouldn't have dated certain men um wasted time with certain people um i don't know those are the things that come to mind maybe started saving money earlier you know those types of things but mm outgoing lots of fun to be with um uh just a good friend to have people like having me for a friend i'm loyal trusting and uh i listen i'm a good listener i'm very patient as well so mhm well number one would be to lose weight but i think that's a worldwide problem i mean there's a lot of food around and temptations and um especially here in america a lot of us are couch potatoes we sit in front of our computers we you know it's just easy to relax it's so easy to relax you know it's hard to get up and move around you have to talk yourself into it so that's the weight you know has gives you more energy too if you lose weight so that's a big thing as well but that's probably the thing just the weight thing yeah mhm i think you might've asked me that question before but uh if you want i'll repeat it so um i'm very uh like i said i'm very loyal uh when i tell people i'm gonna do something i do it very reliable uh i i'm warm i'm very friendly i'm um great listener and i you know i've heard so many people tell me they just like being with me so like i said i'm very i'm pretty upbeat you know i'm don't i don't let things get me down too much so hmm that's a hard question the can't think i mean i'm can't think of to answer that one so for fun well i love movies i could see every movie that they make um i love going out with my friends shopping swapmeets um my gosh and traveling is great road trips um that's kind of you know part of it yeah that i mentioned so traveling getting to see different places the history aspect of it um the foods enjoying foods in diffferent countries uh the architecture it's just kinda neat to get away and see a completely different place mhm okay well i've um been to a lot of places in europe i love paris uh it's such a walking city you can whoever designed that city i'll tell ya i mean it's you can get from one point to another the subways are great um each area has its own distinctive kind of there's the latin quarter where the students are there's another area where let's say the fashion designers are um kinda like our rodeo drive here in beverly hills there's an area that is more african african and they have swapmeets on the weekends that are wonderful for international and then like i said once you get out of paris there's just so much history you can go see versailles then there's other palaces you can go to the south of france you know it's but that's probably my favorite country i've been to italy as well so uh yeah well after college people usually i mean people that go to college or either before or after college that's a great time to go to europe because you're young and you're not tied down you don't have a family and um you kinda have a more adventuresome spirit you got more energy so carrying you know backpack or suitcases is not not a big deal um so yeah that's mhm yeah mhm thank you goodbye,1 +387, hmm okay sure great philadelphia about five years ago once a year it doesn't l_a is a lot more fun for acting sure uh when i was young it was all that i wanted to do my dream job is uh an actor on an h_b_o series moderately meeting new people eating new food i don't really feel like talking about it uh i can be shy at times i could be outgoing maybe a little bit of both uh just take a deep breath or maybe do some reading pretty good uh wow it was maybe about two months ago my brother and i were arguing over rent payments yeah it does it's very good very strong yeah uh can't really say i don't really feel guilty often i don't really have anything that i'd like to erase from my memory huh what makes me mad ignorance racism things likes that that i wish i would've handled differently um i don't really feel like discussing that well i'm kind of in the midst of it right now i don't know whether i want to uh move to new york or to stay in l_a so it's a it's a tough decision to do what okay it's pretty easy um i am sensitive i am uh vulnerable sensitive and vulnerable as of late i've been feeling pretty well can't complain uh very clear-minded thoughts no no last time i felt really really happy uh i had a real nice date about a month ago and we had a good time and i was real happy that day and the day after uh well i uh it was a young girl that i had met a couple years ago and we finally uh were available to uh go out and hang out we went and had some wine at a wine bar and then we went and had dinner and that was the date had a great time thank you my ideal weekend well i like to watch english league soccer and uh sometimes i if i'm in philly i spend time with my family on weekends if not i'll just hang out with my brother or sundays i ref soccer just really laid back and chill thank you no ten or twenty years ago what advice would i give myself i would say um never give up study hard save money maybe wish i was a little more outgoing a little more enthusiastic in social settings i really can't remember a time i i've always felt really good people's the whatever people have to say about me really doesn't change how i feel about myself he would say that uh very warm i'm a very caring loving genuine friend uh my father yeah he is a uh he's a very he's a man of few words and uh he's very calm slow to anger and um very warm very loving man responsible and uh he's a gentleman has a great sense of style and he's a great cook most proud of uh scrubbed_entry was a series regular on the wire couple years ago in the last season thank you you're welcome bye,0 +388, yes doing alright from passaic new jersey yes uh about five years ago try to go back every year uh there's a lot more people change of scenery i'm still trying to get used to it the people just um employment how it's doing right now it's just no work yeah i don't really have much of an education i haven't i haven't figured it out yet no not really i've gotten to be more shy now i'm not sure i'm just just a lot more reserved now i'm not sure i just i just build walls i guess i don't know count to ten i'm alright it's alright i'm arguing all the time just uh doing the dishes and just mm having to do different things i don't wanna do that can't really think of one right now mm something i wish i could erase my memory mm uh nothing really comes to mind right now i'm drawing a blank i feel guilty about not having money for the bills not having a job not doing nothing with my life yeah i mean i'm getting older not really what kind of car to buy about two years ago had to do a lot of research looking at magazines and just going on the internet and just looking through cars and just seeing what i wanted to get and what was in my budget and that's alright aggravated angry i've been feeling alright um just been a little down and uh yeah well my eating pattern like i i'm just i don't have any like appetite i'm just restless and moody no no when i play with my dog this morning i don't know i just whenever i get super bored or i just need some time to for myself i just play with the dog yeah trying to be as busy as possible oh i wish i had an education and uh better job just time to do those things go to school and stay in school go to school to learn i guess uh i don't know cool person i guess i like to joke and just have fun i like to have a good time things don't go my way just that that really makes me mad well if i got if i wanna do something and i just can't do it uh that pisses me off no matter what it is it's just it's a problem not that i do whatever i want but that hinders the positive my sister yeah well my sister she's a good person proud to still be alive bye,1 +389, sure okay a small town outside of cinncinatti ohio three years ago uh once a year small uh came out here for work grad school yeah trying to not easy people suck prejudice different weather the flashiness how ridiculously rich everybody is um selfishness in people music um i guess that's kinda like the only thing i love um singing at the metropolitan opera pretty hard shy just always have been not that take a walk uh i'm okay uh three days ago just some dude cut me off while i was driving and i laid on my horn and he got pissed off and i got pissed off mm not really people don't really do shit in l_a they just wanna act mad but they don't do anything so i don't know i could uh done more to prepare and work a lot harder for the last set of uh interviews i had in fall just i don't know really really up my schedule my performing schedule and my prep schedule uh just in terms of bringing like a piece of music to other people i don't know i could spend like twelve hours a day working on stuff and training for for music but um yeah uh you can always do more than that there's always something more you can do so yeah mm uh my grad school audition at juilliard it was stressful it was just like the top ten people of the past fifty years in your field and you're in a room for them and they'll either love what you do or hate what you do yeah it was pretty shitty uh deciding to not marry my fiancee and pursue my career instead i don't know not bad um fairly close i guess i can't see can't see your shoes uh a little bit uh being in a different place went to san diego like month and a half ago it's true hm um i don't know like the finishing high school glad to be leaving not easy at all 'cause i can't sleep i don't know everything work myself the usual just have a lot on my plate and a lot to do in order to get where i wanna be and be who i wanna be so working harder plowing through it i mean i never really sleep well so i don't i don't really know no no not formally yeah it was about uh high school-ish family made me hm nothing to say really mm i don't know same shit now just feeling kind of useless no um just not for me never really has been 'cause i started going to college didn't have to i don't know just haven't really been going recently burdened uh i don't know i started learning how to surf it was pretty chill uh just like buddy was doing it so gave it a shot ridiculous mhm just not being as far along as i wanted to be um don't think about going to law school uh get a head start um studying music and yeah um i'd like to put on a good five to ten pounds in muscle uh i definitely wanna be further along professionally uh yeah and sleep more be able to turn my mind off more working training hm my dog thank you,1 +390, yes i'm doing pretty well um i have some stressful circumstances going on but um um right now i'm i'm engaged i'm from minnesota mhm uh thirty one years ago half my life um frequently i've been back there quite a bit um but over the years not not that often um well it's a a whole different experience you know i i got back there to see my my family and and old friends and uh so it's uh l_a is is home it's nice to return here uh to be an actor uh i'm just actually getting around to it i was in another business for uh twenty five years and um now finally i can't put it off anymore um the economy um it's as easy to find work in uh show business it seems as it is any thing any of the other jobs i've done in the past um oh a whole variety of things um but mostly uh having to do with theater uh well to to be a successful actor you know would be nice and uh outgoing with elements of shyness um well i i i read and i cook and um um that's mm that's about it uh uh i oh i'm a big radio listener is uh to uh um talk radio uh national public radio and uh more uh and not uh crazy stuff um the sensible listening uh nice content uh interesting human interest uh mhm oh um well i'm i also i i um a comedian comedian and so i like to listen to radio shows that have comedy mhm like uh um i'm pretty good i mean i'm not perfect but i i i i can get very upset oh probably with my wife about um my uh methods of of job hunting and like that it's um it's difficult um she uh um we're we're very different and uh have very different m_o's and uh so uh uh for me to uh um do things my way is is not always easy oh um well just the other night i i was uh performing in a nightclub and had an opportunity to uh introduce myself to a a very famous person and i um i didn't do it um uh i'm not sure i'm i guess uh i didn't know if it would be appropriate to approach him hm i can't think of uh i can't think of one um um well i've been married for it'll be twenty four years in uh july which is a couple of months and um uh my wife and i have not been sleeping in the same bed for about three years and um but we have a uh a very high achieving daughter who's going to graduate from high school uh this this spring and um she's just a uh gotten accepted at a college that she wants to go to with a very nice uh scholarship mhm um yeah well uh my daughter's been very low maintainance for me um perhaps more so for my wife but she's always been uh an excellent uh uh child um mm well we're more similar i think than different uh i'm well i'm much more uh aware of what's happening in the world and and much more informed than my parents were um but uh as in terms of child rearing i think um i don't know we're all we've all been kind of hands off and um uh my wife has been more hands on um uh well the financial responsibility it um wanting to uh make sure that your child has everything that her peers have and uh not wanting her to uh um not have the same as her friends and she has uh very wealthy friends so that's um uh i am not a uh a gifted money maker and so uh it's a it's a a struggle but uh we we we keep on keep up um oh a couple of different um one preacher um uh whose church i attended for about twenty years until he died um um was very influential and also another spiritual guru uh um that uh sort of put me on a path to breaking patterns of behavior that uh were kind of dictated by my upbringing oh just um well instead of working for somebody else being able to um start a business and and be in business for yourself and and to uh um you know not be dependent on uh um just one source of income oh meeting one particular woman um when i first got out here um she left me uh less than healthy um physically and uh yeah um well i i self medicate to go to sleep which i probably don't have to do but i um uh about half the nights i i wake up um much earlier than i would like to oh usually um just mostly to have to go to the bathroom um um well i i i cope pretty well i i guess i'm just not quite as functional as i'd like to be um there are a couple of nights a week when i work until two o clock from in the morning and don't get to bed until three and and then i um normally if i i i need seven hours if i only get five or six then i'm you know sluggish and um very anxious well um i have big um uh i have bills to pay and um not a lot of income coming in yeah it's um 'cause i don't like to fall behind and um i feel like i'm worried about losing ground and um the stakes are are high and uh so uh it's an uncomfortable position no um i am a classic um depressive uh and um yeah i guess i have i i guess i have i see i do see a therapist and uh um though mm the mm therapist i'm seeing now is not trying to um prescribe drugs or medications um and uh previous ones have uh probably um six years ago um well my wife kind of pushed me into it um she thought um it was uh a way of i think getting help finding work and um it's not as uh it's just uh good uh uh enjoyed uh having someone to talk to um not really yeah oh um just uh kind of not wanting to uh face the day just kind of wanting to um just uh kind of a weariness with the struggle uh and um just uh i displeasure with my life yes they're what i don't understand that word oh um well i um it's something i look forward to because um i i feel like i'm talking to someone who um understands me mm um i i can't i i don't know um um well each little um acting gig that i get makes me happy but uh you know just mildly happy and they usually turn out to be disappointing experiences and so um uh i never over excited excited um with happiness uh mm um well um yesterday i i made a a dessert uh to celebrate my daughter's uh scholarship and uh it was delicious and and we really enjoyed that mm um hm no um except meeting that one woman uh uh i don't know probably try a little harder you know uh i had started this business um um around that time and um it was it was um just it was difficult but uh we were successful at it and um uh i guess i could've gotten it rolling even more um so that it wouldn't be so um dead today oh um getting out of town um going going away when uh when uh which is rarely possible but uh yeah um well my daughter's a great source of pride and um um the fact that i've been pretty successful in uh my endeavors um and now i'm just uh going for the the big the big apple and uh uh and i hope to be successful there too okay you're welcome goodbye,1 +391, yes kind of down i don't have a boyfriend don't have any florida yep uh try to find work um about once a year mm more boring um not easy um it's harder when you don't have enough much money to get your own place so i have to live with roommates um the weather um the good scenery um traffic and it's too expensive to have your own place by your own not as much as i want to um seeing different places different cultures the building the food and stuff um let's see okay um i grew up in florida over here so i guess that's probably um i drove through the south i went to alabama um people are nicer in louisiana people are really nice through mississippi then texas then new mexico mexico then then arizona then here in california so i got to see the country a little bit i guess traveling through a country went to loiusiana people are really nice in a small town called jennings and people are always happy you know and fun funny um i just went to high school just did the basic stuff um i don't know my my dream job i don't know um an interior designer to the stars yep well because if they have enough money to get their furniture and i get to keep their free furniture too outgoing um i watch t_v funny shows t_v shows um sometimes big bang theory or sometimes like a funny movie on t_v pretty good um where i used to live about two weeks ago i had to move out and um i moved in there and he told me that they weren't they didn't have any marijuana marijuana plants the one thing i don't wanna be around and it had that so i had to move out 'cause he had his stuff in the living room yeah it does yeah um i don't know good question um probably probably probably i don't know probably with an ex boyfriend we broke up and yeah it's that's in the past i'm over him he was a he was a jerk anyway hardest decision leaving home well 'cause i have a better life out here in california but i miss home yep um when my roommates don't have the t_v on loud pretty good tired i'm lazier during the day uh frustrated um i'm poor i don't wanna be um no i'm just more sad no oh wow um it's been a good while it's been like god over two years um i didn't have any money problems i was doing fine um yeah oh i uh um i was with my cats at home here in california and they're playing outside my ideal weekend would be nice um at the beach eating at a nice restaurant no no um don't spend so much money you will need it in the future yeah save money um my bank account um as a nice person in what what um um i'm a person i don't know uh um i persevere uh i'd rather not uh man a few years ago it was more like a mentor and um taught me some things never complain be thankful everything you have um my eyes people say i have pretty eyes um like to dress up for fun i like to try surfing go shopping maybe go to art galleries bye ,1 +392, yes i'm doing well uh california i like the weather i like the people i don't like the traffic uh that's primarily it sociology yep uh it's a topic that just really interested me the most out of all the other subjects no to be a writer um i like being able to write what i want to write uh right now i write things that i'm not really that interested in like uh articles about uh teenager culture stuff like that um i think they have it pretty easy they don't know how easy they have it uh no not really mm depends on the situation or who i'm around when i first meet people i can be shy uh but if it's someone i've known for a while i can be outgoing um i'll lay down or try some sort like deep breathing or uh just maybe do something that's kinda fun and mind numbing like watch t_v i'm pretty good i don't really let anger show that much um i'm not like a i don't have a fiery temper or anything like that i'm pretty rational um i actually can't remember when the last time i argued with someone was 'cause it's been so long um i guess i feel guilty about the fact that i don't talk to my grandparents as much as i should um i'm close with my grandparents but not really anyone else in my family uh 'cause they basically sort of raised me uh and uh my parents weren't really in the picture that much um i can't really think of one right now uh i guess uh when my sister died it was really traumatizing mhm yeah yes um i guess the hardest decision i've ever had to make is deciding whether or not to divorce my husband uh because we weren't getting along and there was no reason to stay married but i still felt like i should stick it out i mean it was hard at the time uh but i made the right decision i think uh my grandmother was a positive influence from a young age um she's just a very strong powerful uh sort of staunch character and that rubbed off on me uh not really super easy um i sort of i mean it's my probably my fault i go to bed too late just sort of foggy and distracted i have trouble concentrating you mean like my body uh normal fine no complaints no it's been the same as ever no no uh last night i was just hanging out with my friends and was just having like a really good time sharing stories and laughing and stuff uh probably funny and uh easy to get along with but also caring uh i spend my ideal weekend not really doing much like maybe just sitting around and reading or going to the movies watching t_v uh no i don't think there's not i don't i don't think uh i think regretting regretting things is a waste of time um don't try to don't go out of your way to try and impress people if they like you then they like you um sometimes sometimes i can be kinda lazy uh i'd like to have more of a um like sort of uh better work ethic i guess uh just sort of putting off stuff um until you know right when it's due or after it's due things like that um procrastinating uh sometimes for the things that i write uh people will write negative things about me like in the comment section on a website and that'll make me feel bad i'm uh articulate and funny and a good friend um i guess i'm most proud of the fact that uh i am satisfied with myself and my friends and my status in the world i'm proud of the fact that i feel comfortable with it um just hanging out with my friends uh sort of people watching watching a movie that's good um listening to music mhm bye,0 +393, yes i'm good i'm originally from los angeles california um i like the weather i like uh numerous things uh the women stuff like that traffic traffic is ridiculous it like it's out of control like the way people drive here uh business economics uh i just wanted to be a business owner like i wanted to work for myself so that's the reason why i did that yes i am currently uh to be a c_e_o of a of a company uh it shouldn't be that hard but it's gonna be challenging it's it's challenging don't get me wrong i mean sometimes it varies i can be shy at times but then i'm i'm mostly outgoing sure i mean when it comes to certain things like let's say i go to a a club or a party and i see a girl i wanna talk to i'll go talk to her but when it comes to being around a lot of people like sometimes i do get a little shy and and uh reserved uh i work out hang out with my friends that's what i do i'm pretty good at it i don't really let things get to me actually it's been a while i haven't argued with anybody i mean i had like a minor little little argument about something but uh that was a few weeks ago and it wasn't something that was serious it's just uh some things i had to clarify with uh someone uh it was it was about a girl and and i asked her some questions about some stuff uh basically why she was trying to uh get back with her ex like that doesn't make any sense to me um i would say my relationship with my brother i wish we wouldn't have uh fought a lot we i wish we could've worked that out without fighting each other my relationship with my family is pretty cool like my mom i get along with my mom and i get along with my sister so it's pretty it's pretty uh cool i'm pretty i'm very close to my family um i would have to say uh some friends that i've met recently i met uh some people through my church scrubbed_entry he's like a mentor to me um i don't know i i don't think i have anything like that in my memory that i would that i wanna erase um i would have to say uh it would have to have been uh whether or not to uh let's see um as far as like my career path i would say uh what career i'm gonna am i gonna be in and stuff like that i mean high school for me went pretty it went okay and i could've done better and um basically ended up uh not really living
  • uh living up to my potential i i don't know i mean i really don't know it's pretty easy it's not a problem i could just knock out when i go home at night time tired uh just mainly uh tired i would say i've been okay i've been fine lately i have no no i have not no i have not i would say it would have to have been um when i when i got the uh car that i have right now i have a nice car right now and it's pretty fast i would say um he would describe me as somebody that's not a quitter somebody that perseveres no go for whatever i want like whatever whatever i want out of life just go for it don't hesitate um i would have to say currently my weight like i i've put on some pounds and i'm working on losing those pounds maybe when i was little in school probably uh pretty much uh i got bullied so that's pretty much what happened um i'm intelligent i'm a hard worker um i'm a good person um i would have to say uh having like uh get togethers with uh with my friends and um we just hang out with each other and and talk about stuff that's going on in our lives and stuff like that,0 +395, yes i'm doing fine california here in los angeles mhm um i love being near the beach um i love the beach i love um living in a big city um and i love the fact that i have lots of friends and family here mm traffic um just so many sometimes too many people but apart from that i i'm generally happy here photography and language studies mhm um i love photography i was always interested in it and studied it in high school as well so i wanted to continue to learn more about it and with languages i come from a mixed background so i wanted to learn the languages of my ethnic background it's um it wasn't hard it was a passion so i enjoyed it i'm not no um to do photography full time and also to do some of the things that i'm passionate about um more creatively more creative things i have an idea i'd like to do um some make some robe ah like a robe line um women's robes and things like that mhm i have i've traveled quite a bit and i enjoy i love travel um seeing different cultures different countries um meeting new people all of that and the language um i lived in greece for um over a year i taught english there and um i moved around to different parts of greece and uh really had a great time i think um just having my group of friends that i met there and going through with the experience with them um i think one of my most memorable experiences was going to elafonisos in a car with everybody and um and having a just a fantastic time yes it was um i think i'm shy to begin with and um and as i get to know people then i'm much more outgoing photography and language studies um i just stay at home uh maybe watch a movie um rest in bed watching a movie in bed that's probably one of the things that i like to do to relax i think very good um it was probably with my boyfriend um uh regarding money issues um i need to i feel guilty about not generating as much income as i need to right now i'm having some struggles in my career right now and um financially it's becoming very difficult yeah it has been it's been difficult but i've been working very hard to um to remedy that so well i'm here and um i'm doing this this focus study i'm doing um many things to generate more money working harder but looking for other ways to generate money outside of my my career um probably being raped no no sometimes um not that i'm aware of um i been feeling stressed um i been feeling um been feeling stressed and and worried i don't seem to have any problem with it i seem to get a good night's sleep almost every night mhm um grumpy and and lethargic and um in the morning hmm a situation i wish i would handle differently um i really can't think of one right now the hardest decision um that i've ever had to make it was probably um deciding to not have a a child well um i was pregnant um and um wasn't sure whether or not i should continue the pregancy um and that was also due to financial burden and um the father who i was involved with did not want the child so i made that very very difficult decision hmm really really happy i know when i went to um cancun um on a holiday um over the new year um new year period new year holiday i felt absolutely fantastic i felt happy i felt relaxed um i felt like i didn't have a care in the world temporarily um eh free um i wish i could um be a little bit stronger and more assertive definitely more assertive um i would say i'm a wonderful wonderful friend um mm i when i love somebody you know i love them very deeply friends family um boyfriend um so i think that's good i'm very loyal as a friend um i'm honest i care about people um i'm fun to be with so i think those are some of my best qualities um my relationship with my family um with my father is not so great um my parents were divorced when i was young and he's sort of been in and out of my life you know forever uh mostly out so that's um it's not fantastic but um but it's something that i'm used to so it's not as painful as it would be had he been there and then i lost him but it's it's still it's still um it's still not the best situation i mean i still wish that could be um remedied somehow scrubbed_entry so there's good and and bad relationships in my family scrubbed_entry someone that's been there for me since i was very very young and has always been just incredible and i love her so much um ten or twenty years ago um i would've told myself to work harder then and not have so much fun so i don't have to work so hard now i i regret exactly that i regret um not taking my career seriously earlier on um because now it's it's been um it's been much harder um i think it was taking the kids to the pier um and spending some wonderful time with them and making them happy that was probably a great time um one of the best times in the last few weeks scrubbed_entry and uh and they're they're great kids um no i think the they're it's challenging um it is more difficult because they're stepchildren so there are some um times when i'm not sure exactly how much um to get involved and how much not to get involved but i'm we're very lucky because they are really good kids they do tend to fight a lot but um but i but it's not as difficult as um as i think some other parents have it mhm um i made it make a make a conscious effort not to um not to punish them um or over-punish them i make a conscious decision not to um scream at them the way that i was screamed at i was screamed at a lot as a child and um it was really it was really difficult so i make sure not to do that um i think i'm most proud of the fact that i've um been able to travel the world um and live in other places many many other places um around the country and around the world and um the fact that um i learned several languages um and the fact that i've been able to maintain um really long long long relationships with my friends thank you goodbye,1 +396, yes okay virginia i wanted to live somewhere different than virginia with a little bit more diversity um once a year maybe it's um it's a lot slower and there's a lot less to do there um i wanted to live somewhere different and a nicer warmer climate and um somewhere where there's a lot more to do and there's a lot more going on for me it was really easy 'cause i wanted something it was very different and i wanted something different i like um i like all the things to do like the museums i like the beaches and the mountains and all the hiking and all the free things to do mm people don't appreciate what they have here that just come here and wanna take something but they don't wanna give anything back and bad drivers uh not as much as i would like to i travel whenever i can but usually can't afford to that much mm well i like taking i like taking pictures a lot and i just like exploring new places my wife and i like to see um wildlife and hike and monuments and just seeing different areas um well we we've gone we went to uh central california we'd like to be able to go more internationally places but that takes awhile to afford so we've gone more locally so we went to um we went to hurst castle and to see the sea lions
  • the um the elephant seals and things like that um i guess our uh i guess our palm springs trip for our anniversary we did the um eh we did the tram and a nice hotel and jacuzzi and romantic dinner and it was a good time overall i guess somewhere in between english and film well i uh was told i needed to go to college and i hadn't quite decided what to do yet so i just picked something i liked to do for the time being well wish i'd not been pressured so i had more time to figure out what i wanted to i might've done something different like physical therapy but uh no i've been teaching teaching gymnastics which is something i used to do before um i needed to not starve and i did it i didn't end up being as bad as i thought it would be so i went for it and it ended up being kinda fun dream is to have money and not have to work for it overall pretty good um don't remember what about but it probably would've been few weeks ago with my wife um well anyone that i've ever actually gotten upset and yelled i always wish i wouldn't do that but sometimes when someone's not listening it drives me crazy um you know if i just saying something over and over and they're just clearly not listening it makes me really upset um i don't know i i spend a lot of time on 'em but i don't i don't know what the hardest one is 'cause eh if i decide to go with something it's you know it's usually for a good reason well i guess i feel guilty about moving to california and that i left my family in virginia i mean i know i shouldn't but they always seem to miss me and even though they don't like living there you know i'm the one that moved away so it's like i abandoned them well i mean i don't miss virginia but i do miss them so i guess a little hard uh i have a good relationship with my with my wife with my in-laws with my mom dad and sister there's no problems everyone gets along well mm very close um i mean anything anything where someone gets hurt either uh physically or otherwise it depends on how much exercise i have get a lot of exercise it's pretty easy if i don't it's not um kind of like right now just a little bit slow and out of it but not really um too different otherwise um just kinda run down 'cause my um my mother-in-law is is dying and we just spent like three days uh in the hospital and we're gonna go back after this so not a lot of time to sleep mm just um just uh slower just slower and more tired and little more out of it that's all no no um usually just when i'm having having a fun day either on my own or with my wife that's that's pretty easy for me just getting outside and and uh and hiking or exercising it's not hard for me i'm not sure maybe um maybe mm like eccentric but in a good way hopefully no um to be careful with your to be careful with your job to make sure you could keep from being injured and to um i don't know just your just your normal your normal kind of uh older kinda wisdom mm not much to say really everyone realizes things when they get older that they wish they had when they were younger uh i wish i could get rid of my back injury so i could get back into shape like i used to be that's um the biggest thing right now um not much to say just hurt my back at work and i just like to get past it 'cause it's you know holding me back from doing a lot of things that's all um well like i used to do uh gymnastics and trampoline and used to be a lot more active or work out more and now i can only work out a little bit 'cause it hurts too much um probably like during the during the day going going on a hike or to a park with my wife and uh enjoying taking pictures and wildlife and exercising and then at night um you know we watch a movie or go dancing or just something like that um most proud of um proud of moving here i mean i um came here without knowing anyone and i was at a point where i could've stayed in virginia and gotten comfortable and you know ended up doing something i regretted but i came out and i've always thought that was a good decision mm my parents my grandparents my wife most people in my life have been bye bye,0 +397, sure i'm good but i caught a cold morning l_a born and raised born and raised it's home food people culture traffic uh there's a lot of us too many of us probably oh i have in the past i haven't traveled lately uh the destination i don't enjoy the traveling anymore at all i did when i was young but no longer it's the destination point mm okay uh in ninety two i went to spain and my grandma my father's mother was born in spain i went back to trace her roots and i spent a week in madrid a week in barcelona and a week in majorca had a great time i enjoyed it ooh it was a an everyday thing people were friendly uh finding out that some of the things about my grandmother and her family were interesting uh i studied uh poly sci and uh sociology uh well at the time it seemed like the easiest thing to do no no uh well i had my dream job for a while i was doing sports research for uh native american tribes but uh yeah i enjoyed it but that's uh it's not as uh as often as it was mainly because of the uh the sports bureaus that exist now that didn't exist when i started i still when i do i still enjoy it uh i'll be what what i'll be what suits me in any given situation uh listen to music uh i like oldies jazz mm soft music uh i've learned to do it well i wasn't wasn't always that way but i've learned to do it well by when by arguing i assume you mean words uh with my youngest daughter it was about uh a year and a half ago uh well it was it stemmed over an incident i didn't like what the the way her husband said something to her and it bothered me and when i told her she got extremely defensive and rather than deal with it she became she became angry with me i was mad uh three girls thirty eight thirty seven thirty one uh three granddaughters eleven fourteen eighteen so i haven't won an argument in a long time but i adore all six of 'em uh well now i don't really consider myself a parent since mine are grown my baby is thirty one and you never lose that but i mean i'm not parenting at this point in my life i'm enjoying my grandchildren when i was a parent yeah it's a difficult challenge is uh getting getting to their level and understanding what they understand and don't understand and not putting your your stuff in front of theirs the hugs well my dad was was physical uh in those days you know uh nobody called child services if you got hit uh uh my mother was very loving but my dad well you know he he'd raise his hand to you if he thought it would it would uh disappoint you i never did that adored my mother my dad uh was a hard guy but i loved him uh i never felt abused by him but i mean i the one thing i remember he said when you when you're capable of kicking my ass you can leave this house that's my that's kinda the the basis of our relationship my mother my kids my grandkids well i'm i'm one of i'm one of three three sons so i really didn't have any experience with females other than uh with my mother in terms of being you know related and my grandma and then when my first daughter was born it was like wow that was it i fell madly in love with her changed my life yeah well that's the way it happened uh when my mother got sick i i wasn't i wasn't there for her the way i should've been and i don't feel good oh yeah you can always fix what you did in the end i was just in a real bad situation but that doesn't excuse the fact that i wasn't there the way i shold've been at least not in my mind uh uh my second marriage probably she uh she wanted to have uh children and i already had my children with my first wife and uh i i had i had told her initially that i did not wanna have children and you know i had three uh that and i was good with that and she indicated that she did not want to have children so we got married and then her best friend got pregnant and our relationship changed and i basically wouldn't relent and we ended up getting divorved uh i i i don't know that i would've had children would've would've had children with her but i i wasn't very flexible in the process what to be flexible i don't know sometimes i am sometimes i'm not uh that'd been pulling my uh pulling my father out of off uh uh life support i just kept going back to something he said to me when i was uh younger that he would come back and haunt me and if i you know if i let him lay there lay there and suffer it took me a while to convince my other two brothers but that's what we did something i could erase from my memory uh being locked up for a while i'd like to erase that from my memory it's just it's an everyday hell where there's very little humanity and uh you even do some things that you're not proud of i've never slept i've never slept a lot and i'm one of those people that if i wake up i have a hard time going back to sleep so it's it's difficult it's uh unless i'm really tired then you know i'm pretty much still the same i don't change so so i had friend uh things are good with the kids and the grandkids except for the little incident with my granddaughter uh my youngest daughter but i had a friend recently who was uh runned over in a crosswalk and uh he's on he's on life support so i haven't been feeling too good about that it's it's affected me it wasn't like he was jaywalking or anything he literally was walking in the crosswalk and the guy never even hit the break so and he's on uh life support at this point mm no not really only consistent thing about me is i'm very inconsistent uh no no but i've had moments where i felt i was i was depressed okay i was talking when you were talking so i didn't hear the question uh uh yesterday had a conversation with my fourteen year-old granddaughter i'm happy i have moments of happiness every day 'cause i i either speak to or text with uh my daughters and granddaughters every day even if we're upset with one another oh i have a lot of regrets uh i should've went to law school that's that's kinda something i thought yeah began to think about more in my lifetime i was accepted i just didn't i had other other things i thought i wanted to do uh uh i i played with uh wanting to be uh uh a kicker for football on a football team had some tryouts things like that but they didn't pan out and as as that didn't pan out i sort of lost my zest for wanting to be a lawyer so i just did other things i don't think it'd make that much difference i probably wouldn't listen to myself um about myself uh uh i could be uh if i don't like you i could be very uh very difficult if i don't like you i'd very much like to change that it has in the past yeah well i have this theory that you could make me feel bad about myself only if i let you and i'm not real big on letting letting people do that to me uh although my first wife when when she left me with the children she you know that it was my fault and i wasn't sure that i believed that but i knew i was an ass and and uh but i probably believed it and not in its totality but in part uh i'm very uh i'm not judgemental uh uh i would listen to anybody uh whether i agree with you or disagree with you uh uh i've taught myself to uh control anger that i that i have uh and uh if if i've called you my friend or if i tell you i love you uh i mean it it's that's not something that i do uh casually uh oh okay well i i played eighteen holes of golf with a with an old dear friend and we got caught up and uh we four hours on the golf course two hours at dinner met his new wife uh had a good time a lot of a lot of memories came back mm uh well i like i like my my kids uh my grandkids i like that you know i like the hell out of them i don't know if all kids are like that i i think they rely too much on uh rely too much on technology but but that's me mainly 'cause i don't but if my grandkids are any any uh sampling of it i think they're good i think they're pretty good uh raising my girls basically by myself with the help of my mother i think that's the uh most proud of or okay nice chatting with you bye,1 +399, yes i'm pretty good uh as far as my parents ethiopia yes um the beaches the warm weather um the diverse environment uh traffic well i'm currently in school i'm studying african studies uh i've always been interested in african studies actually i've always wanted to help people and i figured that i could help them by trying to learn about it and going back to africa and make an influence kind of in between i have my shy moments but then when i'm around a group of people that i enjoy i'm pretty outgoing um to relax i normally write or i go to the beach and just sit there play my guitar pretty good i don't really get angry or anything like that i tend to keep it in or try to release it by writing um i actually can't remember the last time i argued with someone mm all the people i've hurt in the past uh i've like cheated on people hurt their feelings intentionally done things that i shouldn't have done that i regret now mm um well with my ex i could've ended it better so we could be on better terms now um i probably shouldn't have argued so much or tried to instigate so many things i probably should've just let it go with the flow and just see how it turned out um hardest decision i've ever had to make was man i really don't know actually um having to see my dad go through surgery and see him suffer um well he had a tumor that he had to get removed so it was just hard seeing him have to be in the bed and just be in the hospital when he really didn't want to be there 'cause he's a really live person and he'd rather be running around and stuff like that but just seeing him stuck in bed was just terrible uh me and my family aren't very close we don't i mean they've always been there for me and i appreciate it but we've never had that close connection connection connection um especially since they're foreign so they don't really understand where i'm trying to come from having been grown up out in america so it's pretty different when it comes to those cultural racial i mean the cultural boundaries that we kinda step each over each other's feet on but aside from that we have a decent relationship when we do speak to each other it does get kinda awkward but it's okay i think they are out of control i think that they're learning things that they shouldn't know at this age i think that they're doing things that they shouldn't be doing and i don't feel like enough people are telling them that they shouldn't be doing it i feel like they're being applauded by the media they're being applauded by celebrities that they follow and there's not enough being done about it and they're just getting lost um depends on the night some nights it's pretty hard some nights i fall asleep like a baby um usually creative actually when i can't sleep i'll just stay up and i'll write something or read a book and ideas will pop up um stuff like that it's usually a good thing when i can't sleep it's nothing really bad 'cause i'm having bad thoughts or anything like that um lately between a mix of good and bad i have my happy moments when i'm energized and i'm live then some nights some days where i'm just you know just sitting there just mellow thinking not like my live self i don't know it's just always been like that always have those ups and those downs but they kind of balance each other out no no um the last time i felt really happy was hm today uh just from the moment i woke up it was a beautiful sunny day i went to see some friends we had a good time went to school had some good grades on some papers um wrote a good essay feel pretty accomplished and i feel like my day is just a good day my best friend would describe me as odd most people would describe me as odd i say a lot of odd things i do odd things i'm interested in things that most people aren't um just like old literature um revolutionary stuff uh stuff about changing the world but through underground means um no i i don't live a life of regret to never let fear stop you from doing anything um reading just hanging out with some friends driving around finding something to do just going on an adventure i don't wish i could change anything about myself i just wish i could build myself into the person that i'm truly supposed to be um this one time me and my best friend got into an argument and she pointed out all the things i've done that i shouldn't have done all at one time how i've hurt people how i've hurt her the ways i've done them that were brutal and it just made me feel bad once i reflected on it all uh my parents i mean although we don't see eye to eye they always bring me to this realization that i need at the end of the day although i never listen to them or i don't choose to listen to them once it happens i learned from it and i'm like oh that's what my parents told me so i learned to trust them more and i learned to understand that they are wiser than me and they do know more than me um not so much anymore um i travel around l_a try to find new sights to see but as far as i don't travel outside um discovering new things um discovering things you never knew were there or the limitless possibilities um i discover i like i enjoy discovering new people new cultures new things that go against what's normal for us and for myself um a few days ago i just drove out to the middle of the desert and i just sat there and i just enjoyed all that the desert had to offer and it was just enjoyable um i felt free away from all this these cities and these buildings and it just felt nice to be out in the middle of nowhere at a completely random time it felt good i'm most proud that i've always been different that despite how many people have told me that i'm really weird or i'm odd or i think weird things i've always maintained my original mentality,0 +400, yeah i'm fine um pacific grove california um the wholesale opportunities and uh all the stores and anything i could ever ask for the uh traffic the the mood of the people and the the unhealthy pace um uh let's see i i did like culinary and then i did really good in art and music in high school uh through my own uh will and desire to want to uh get involved with the music uh no uh open up a uh health practice of some sort uh changing things in my life that uh had an impact on myself and others for the for the benefit of health uh when i have the opportunity um buying things seeing the culture relaxing not thinking about the city ah well i i used to go to texas every every year uh with my dad during the summer and i always wanted to stay there and live there when i went on vacation um most likely one of these trips to texas uh where we would go and spend time in the desert and shoot guns and ride go karts and stuff like that it was uh let's see well um my dad and i are uh are not really talking that much and uh my mom passed away about two months ago thanks definitely more shy i've always been that way uh eh just the personality that i've grown into but learning how to adjust to the sensitivity and grow out of it oh tea and um you know eating i like to eat i mean that calms me down uh eh not that good when i get really upset it's usually a problem and i have to work to calm myself down and sometimes i just don't get on something and i don't stop sometimes but i've learned to control it to that extent now yesterday i was arguing about what sort what kind of water we should be drinking uh well a difference of opinion and i felt as though my opinion was very valid um even though uh the other party's opinion was somewhat misinformed um definitely uh every day is a growing process i wish i would've handled everything differently every day which is what um makes me grow and i try to work toward how i would've wanted to handle things every day little by little um can't think of anyone right now um i'd i'd i'd say uh not supporting my friends as much with their career choices uh i'd rather not get into it um the raw food educators on youtube and um raw vegan educators and the detox therapy therapy uh experts have been really inspirational in the past two months well uh they believe that um the essence of all nutrition comes from the raw fruits and vegetables and this is true with many studies like t colin campbell the china study and um the sources of information that are uh that that are very good and i i think deserve respect based on you know real research really easy i've uh almost got it down to a science uh i'm tired been feeling better than i have in a long time uh yeah i think it's uh due to the transition in the diet and in no way having a placebo effect that it's actually you know loosening up toxins and things that have accumulated over my short life time of um you know toxic choices with food and drugs or whatever it would be yes um less tense and less irritable and uh i have more clarity and more control over my uh decisions and my wants versus what i need that sort of thing nope yes to some extent uh over five years ago um lack of motivation and basically my my symptoms were paralleling that of depression uh loss of appetite loss of motivation not wanting to do anything not wanting to be social at all having fear of uh social situations and uh xxx the main four or five no uh i believe i overcomed a chapter in my life that was the the doctor um you know taking control of my health and experimenting with drugs and i just sort of took another route which was alternative and i started juicing more and um just trying to listen to maybe what i needed with the help of uh the internet and nutrition experts and stuff like that yes uh i believe therapy is useful because um without looking inward or having somebody to help you do that um it's very hard to readjust to some of these problems that you can have that will just uh resonate in the subconscious until you you know it has an outburst it basically um therapy um will help in overall health and mental health i believe for everybody last night um i made a really great vegan uh dinner with you know meat tacos and cheese and guacamole and had a couple of my friends over and they really liked it a lot and i almost converted them yeah uh i would say uh you know trying to listen to my inner conscious more than what my brain wants me to do like my brain likes caffeine and sugar whereas you know my body needs uh something other than that xxx is an example it's very very hard it's a daily process um i was uh handling money for uh a business partner and they ended up short and i was to blame but it was actually my formulas of crunching the numbers that it made it short but they he was unaware of the change i made to the formula so the blame was on me that i may have took money and i i automatically felt bad about that because of my uneasy uh my uncertainty to the change of formula um no twenty years ago i was two years old ten years ago i was twelve years old i would tell myself to um to start eating raw fruits and vegetables every day as calm and um sad maybe smart talented um i really enjoyed going to the uh wholesale food market in downtown los angeles um lots of food uh great prices you can eat and feed a whole family for a third of the price as going to a normal supermarket so uh i i really get in a lot of enjoyment uh teaching people how to uh maybe better themselves especially food-wise and what they're eating uh eating and um watching a really good t_v show um i'm insightful i can uh i can adjust to people's uh uh i dunno i guess i'll skip that question for now i'm most proud of um i'd say my overall situation with where i'm at right now i could've never imagined that i'd be in such a fortunate um situation hmm ,1 +401, yes i'm okay i'm good i'm a little tired but i'm good michigan i'm from michigan um a long time ago then i left uh once twice a year cold very cold because i wanted to pursue my acting career uh well it wasn't a hard decision it was just it was the weather it was the opportunity it was the options more options uh the driving has been a pain in the butt not so easy let's see besides the weather i like that things are more convenient i like some of the people here um that are actually from home but um yeah i i just i like i like that it's a little laid back that's about it i don't like the traffic i don't like um uh the gang violence in certain areas and i don't like what else don't i like huh maybe that's that's all i don't like i don't oh you know i like i don't like that it's so far away from home i wish i wish l_a was kinda midwest i wish it wasn't so far from home i have a close relationship with my family um it's a small uh immediate family is really small and we're close my grandmother recently passed so it's um an adjustment right now but i'm close to my family well i can't see your shoes but i do travel often i do travel yes um getting there i like getting there um once i'm at the wherever i'm going i like to actually do the tourist thing get to know places and people uh okay i oh i went to um france a few years ago well many years ago and a little town called carcassonne and was very um it was it was actually really fun but very much like a story book as far as what i expected to see and what i actually saw like i what i remember that i really enjoyed was that at night when everybody closes up like there are no windows in the buildings but they are these shutters that most places in the united states have inside of windows they have them outside of the windows and there's no glass so you just shut and it looks like everything is abandoned like the buildings are abandoned so pretty cool i like that i'm borderline sometimes i'm shy sometimes i'm outgoing it depends on who and what the situation is um music i turn on music i walk through the neighborhoods you know i'm pretty good at controlling my temper i'm not a um hot head at all hm oh it was an ex roommate and it was about my loyalty as a friend yeah um pretty much she um thought that because i wanted my rent which she agreed to pay that i was not being a good friend that i should just let her live for free and that wasn't going to happen so you know the loyalty came with letting you stay anyway or letting her stay anyway even after she didn't pay me so that's a friend i could've kicked her out i didn't she left at the agreed time after she let me know that she was not going to pay but you know could've um could've could've been a bad situation but there was an argument there a real a real one i wish i had handled that situation differently and followed my first mind when we agreed to be roommates temporarily and um gotten my money upfront that's what i wish i had done and i just i didn't my mind told me to go along with it no my mind told me to get the money upfront but i didn't so mm the hardest decision um i think i have yet to make the hardest decision but so far like maybe um leaving home leaving home when i was years ago when i was like eighteen yeah um i felt like i was abandoning my family that's what i felt but um they encouraged me to go on and live my life mhm uh something that i could erase from my memory probably a friend who i was um uh dating i would like to erase from my memory how he responded to me when i told him my grandmother um was ill um it's easy if i'm busy all day and i'm really really tired but actually my mind spins so it's not that easy actually it's not that easy i'd have to because i have to be exhausted i have to be exhausted to be exhausted no it's not really hard you just do a lot of stuff all day long irritable up and down up and up and down like sometimes i've been excited and anxious and on the other side i'm like mm what am i doing yeah it's just an anxiousness to wanna make some things happen some goals and um uh getting certain kind of work and um having a certain amount of um income and uh just taking care of myself you know the way i think i should take care of myself just the physical stuff eating right and everything yeah i have um sometimes i have a lot of distracting thoughts that have nothing to do with what i need to be focused on in the moment and i'm conscious of that i'm like of all the things that's popping up in my head why am i thinking about that uh i i let them happen and then i i try to think about other things and phase it out it pops back up i phase it out yeah no no uh when the roommate moved out i was really happy when she finally left um probably reading and maybe go out go dancing that would be ideal i can go dancing go salsa dancing and yeah mm my ability to make a decision quicker and to act on it really badly uh i don't know if i have a time that someone has ever made me feel really badly i don't feel bad about much uh as courageous that would be it in a nutshell in general um i regret not making some different decisions when i was younger as far as moving forward with as far as um career stuff and um relationship things i wish i had done some things earlier in my life that i'm doing now uh really going after some of my personal goals and um deciding to actually be in a relationship that's long term and yeah i wish i had done that earlier twenty years ago i would have giving given myself the advice to um continue with my schooling um beyond what i did and to be more discerning in my choices of individuals who i allow in my life um being a part of the family that i'm a part of thank you goodbye,1 +402, yes okay atlanta georgia um in two thousand and six never uh i don't like it there oh it's completely boring and there's very little to do l_a is preferable i think to most places uh because uh i was engaged to my fiancee and we lived in florida i moved there to be with him and um he loves the water but i love the mountains and i missed hiking and uh i didn't love florida and he wasn't tied to it so we decided we wanted to go somewhere we could both be happy and also have um more opportunities in business and all of the great things that it has to offer very very easy there's not much i don't like about l_a i love l_a um i think it feels magical uh so many creative different people of all ages um shapes sizes colors races um the mountains the water uh the city all the things that there are to do all the people there are to meet i just i love everything about l_a no uh i'd rather not talk about it um i didn't go to college i'm still figuring that out um i don't know it may may have something to do with animals i have a dog that i really love and i never had a dog um as an adult i had cats and uh um i think i'm a late bloomer so i'm working on that whole conversation i don't i really don't want a job i want a purposeful way to create wealth not just something to make money in the long run it depends on the situation but in general i consider myself more shy although most people would consider me to be outgoing mm put on classical music music classical music if i'm especially especially stressed and um play with my dog go for a walk i think i'm really good at controlling my temper for the most part um before i came here um it was just about um financial stress uh um there's probably a lot of examples i think i'd rather move to another question yeah i'd rather not talk about that either i'd rather not talk about that not very easy at all um a lot better recently but um i have a history of chronic insomnia and some health problems so it's challenging um not to feel rested most of the time in the past week i've been feeling a lot better um yes i um the weather has changed spring has sprung it's a little warmer i was having um more trouble with my depression in the winter and um having trouble with tolerating cold and so i wasn't doing a lot of the things that i normally do and i also was sick with the flu um and in the past week i decided um that i was feeling better enough that i needed to kind of get out of my rut and start um getting more focused around things things that i need to do during the day and walking my dog every day and um not isolating so much and seeing some of my friends more so i was seeing i've been feeling a lot better like i've been making progress and um that uh in the past week things have taken a more positive turn no yes uh it's been quite some time officially it's probably been i don't know exactly but let's see maybe more than fifteen years ago um i was feeling suicidal no um because i found a better alternative um i have been in therapy off and on since i was eighteen and i've tried a variety of um methods and then uh i started working with a neurolinguistic programmer and um that was really the first person that um helped me uh make permanent changes and i was able to get off my anti depressants as well and even though i've struggled with some bouts of depression it's never been anything extremely severe and um it was one of the best things that ever happened well um i was physically ill with uh chronic fatigue syndrome and i had a client that referred me to this person um because he had cured her of that disease and um that was um he treats multiple issues and so everything is interrelated so um once i had my first conversation with him i knew it was the right step for me i was so happy um i felt like i some um i felt that i found the answer that i'd been looking for that i hadn't given up hope and uh that um i was on cloud nine that i i had been suffering for a a while a long time and i felt that i finally found the answer to the solution that i was looking for i was like it was the best thing i ever did in my life it was the best decision i ever made i felt extremely hopefuly for the first time in a long time um i went to um i went to a music store because uh i had been thinking about um taking up an instrument i used to play the violin as a child and uh i've been wanting to do something that would give me more access to my creative side because i felt it's been extremely repressed and um and so i went to the music store to try out um to see what it would feel like to um to handle an the instrument again and see if i thought that that was something i wanted to pursue it was awesome mm yeah i'd rather not talk about that um well there's probably a lot but um i'm always working on being more optimistic um it's been challenging it takes time but um yeah i wish i could hear my own internal voice better yeah i have regrets sure yeah um value myself more so that i would make better relationship decisions uh my fiancee is the most positive person in my life my ultimate supporter uh he's i think very unique not uh not at all selfish and uh probably a little too giving for his own good but um always has my best interests at heart has the highest morals of anyone i know would give somebody the shirt off of his back um is a genius in so many ways and uh um i'm pretty lucky i think that i'm not a quitter that despite some very stressful circumstances over long periods of time i haven't given up on taking risks and um,1 +403, yes i'm doing really good i'm from granada hills california it's um the san fernando valley part of los angeles i love the weather i like the diversity in people i like how you can go to a neighborhood and it's just not just one race or kind of food i love the beaches all the activities you could go do theme parks aquariums stuff like that museums the smog um there's a lot of creepy guys i've pretty much traveled around l_a i've been cross country and back three times twice was when i was seventeen i like meeting new people and trying different foods and seeing how other people live um when i was seventeen i ran away with my boyfriend to upstate new york to watertown it was uh like a navy army kind of town we had an apartment there it snowed a lot we sold antiques for a living um getting passes press passes for the sunset strip music festival through a friend and getting to meet rockstars and hang out at like the private parties i'm very outgoing i love people um i go to the gym and work out quite a bit i find it helps relieve stress and keeps my energy level going i realized noticed if i don't work out a couple days i feel a little more tired than normal and it just helps me feel good i'm pretty good at it i'm very calm um i worked a lot of events and jobs where you're dealing with like thousands of people a day and people you need to talk to and you have to remain calm and you know they're the customers so you have to make them feel wanted and good and realize that you're getting paid 'cause the money they're spending so i'm good at resolving resolving like consumer conflicts and stuff on the job i had a drunk friend that was just falling around and yelling and saying rude things to people and i kinda started getting loud like just telling her to stop doing that and that she was embarrasing and what she was saying to people was very mean you know and i wonder like if you're talking to people like that they might not like it and they could attack you or something you know you never know it is l_a i really don't feel guilty about anything decisions i've made in my life i've think i've made really good decisions and i always stick with my moral compass what i'm doing i grew up in church so i haven't gone in years but i still have those values and you know the rules the ten commandments and stuff in my head i had a slum lord landlord and um i wish that i called you know the proper authorities and followed through on a court case instead of letting him like kind of bully me out because it wasn't up to code i a few years back i was dating a guy and he wanted me to move back to where he was from and after a few months you know he was coming to l_a and going back home i decided to move there and i had just started you know this business i was doing event planning was picking up and i decided to leave there and try to do it there and you know on the east coast and it didn't work out but it was tough deciding like should i leave l_a and make this jump and trace something new and experience something new or stay in what i was doing i was i had a degree in dental assisting i did that for like a year i didn't like it and then i was studying communications like radio and television broadcasting and journalism um somewhat i'm doing event work and i wrote for a magazine a couple years and i'm trying to like get a website going and then have like where i'm controlling my own writing and what's going on instead of you know writing writing for someone else i always wanted to write and was always into the news and music and art growing up i really like connie chung she was like a channel four newscaster in the eighties and i love barbara walters i was a nerd no um my sister she doesn't talk to any of the family and i have a good relationship with my mom um i never really knew my dad it doesn't bother me i have cousins and stuff but everyone's scattered across the country so i don't really talk to them on the phone we just communicate on facebook or like twitter oh i go right to sleep when i get tired i just go to sleep pretty good energetic i've been motivated to go look for more event work you know event planning stuff and really grinding in more than i was i mean it's kinda hard 'cause you gotta talk to people and get them to trust you and see that you could plan events and meet people and convince them why they should pay you to do their event than someone else no no i mean i'm generally pretty happy unless something devastating happens like someone gets cancer or someone i know dies i wouldn't say that i'm just super like oh my god happy all the time but it's like an even keel that i feel pretty good all the time i'm very talkative and friendly and i could approach strangers and talk to them at ease and i could adapt to different situations and even if i it's not my scene or situation or group of people that i'm used to i could still jump in talk to people and be comfortable and make friends and adapt i wanna make more money i remember in like second grade this people used to make fun of me 'cause i was very tall and skinny and i had like straight a's one of the highest grades in the class so people would make fun of me and call me giraffe or stuff like that very talkative she would just say that i talk to everyone and that i'm very friendly and if you need help that i'll help someone you know oh recently i went up to oceanside and visited a friend i've known years and we just went out for burgers and hung out on the beach and we got her two year old son and like took him to the park and played and it was really nice and it was cool visiting her i hadn't seen her in six months and it was really fun and i wanna go again and i like the area mhm i guess maybe i could be trying to find my own work more like for my business instead of working for other people i think i pursue it but i think maybe i could put a little more time a day into it i don't really know anything like that i would wanna erase or not happen no i feel good about my choices i've made and i think i'm on the right path and a lot of things i wanted to do then balls rolling and i'm getting you know getting things done i'm not as big as i wanna be but i feel like i'm on my way there um like ten years ago i would've told myself to work more in the daytime instead of going out as much as i was um my friend we call mojo um mojo has a magazine and i just wrote years and he really pushes me to like keep writing and keep doing events and keep on the ball i'm rolling and he's one of the biggest people you know in my life telling me you're talented you could do it you know he's just a really good like motivation for me you know being published i've been on t_v shows and just getting my own event thing going and i have a lot of people who read what i write every day and follow on i just think it's a you know it's not exactly kinda where i wanna be but it's a great start and i worked to get to that point great thanks ,0 +404, yes doing good new york city well uh originally i was born here but uh spent some time back east and um moved back here and um basically sort of raised here so been here a while and i'm enjoying it there's great weather and um uh amusement parks a lot of scenery a lot of people uh a lot of energy and excitement there's so many things to really like about l_a see uh a lot of congestion and pollution i i try to but no i don't uh it's nice to be on the open road with uh mm potentially time to think about my own life shy sometimes i find it hard to express my own thoughts well you mentioned a fish tank and uh i view spent some time in a many waiting rooms where there's been fishtanks and uh uh so staring at fishtanks could be one of them uh but i also enjoy walking or uh lifting weights reading going to movies just to say a few things uh good moderate uh good um in control argued about today okay last argument was today just before i got here and it was about um having about how do i say this about taking them to a bus stop about uh how uh making an arrangement feel guilty about not taking better care of my pet sure i i like birds so one of my pets was a bird uh as of recently and i let my bird out into the wild and sort of wish i had planned for better um future for the for the bird uh only because now i sort of wish the bird was uh closer to me hm i would say i get into arguments with people close to me friends and sometimes i i don't handle them well i am more reactive so i wish uh i'd like to see myself improve on that uh no um at least not you know in any sort of legal trouble but uh i think it's you know it's kind of not the way that i would like to have handled it guess the hardest decision was about to of how to proceed with moving forward eh on a job opportunity i had to decide whether if i would suffer more emotional pain by leaving my family and whether the financial gain and uh knowledge of that experience would over outweigh the benefit uh yes yes i am well i it's a small family but um have a mother and a uh sister and a brother and uh two younger nieces older they're they're grown adults uh it's a it's a good relationship and uh things could be better um sometimes it's sort of difficult pain staking uh relationship at times there's uh some days i'm i need time for myself and i would rather give the time to other people rather than to take time for myself which has been my experience uh and so that has caused me a lot me a lot of emotional pain uh a little bit of spiritual uh anxiety about my future if i continue to do that sort of thing wow there's so many things what about you i don't know anything about you i would say uh well there's there's a few um but of recent i um well things are going pretty good i'm can't really say there's anything as of yet that i would really want to change or or have anything to regret on that i can remember it's been pretty good and uh it's uh i'd say it's okay uh i'm handling my sleep pretty well when i don't sleep well sometimes i can be irritable um sometimes it's okay uh and uh would say if there's also times where i'm unhappy so i try to get as much sleep as i need yes i believe i was uh nineteen and uh i'm glad i did it yes uh sort of but uh yes no um well uh i guess i suppose it made me a more confident person and more um in tune with uh uh the country that i'm living in and people uh to be more noticeable more watchful of where i live um hanging out with some friends uh on a really nice weekend and uh on a boat uh or on a skiff a really small boat and um trying to fish in i felt uh free or alive um happy um uninhibited uh strong confident uh mature after the military uh after military took some time to evaluate my my thoughts and uh my future and um just sort of took uh the necessary steps uh to move ahead uh it's sort of hard it is um uh it wasn't easy uh a lot of family uh help and um and community and uh so it took some adjusting but it wasn't easy uh no no uh you know this week um partially today happy's uh happy sort of often not too happy but content happy happy i don't know uh not usually too happy try to stay on the center line do a weekend um up early um get out enjoy the day um hook up with some friends and uh doing a little bit of socializing and uh maybe get some form of uh view some form of artistic expression there's a maybe a like a museum or uh stare at some art or uh maybe something in the local community maybe street art and uh or perhaps something with music or uh something something of that nature i wish perhaps uh some things that i could change about myself um make more decisive about decisions and uh something else um that i had the same ability for a knack for uh for meeting more people i suppose as best friends describe me i don't know um nice friendly uh trustworthy sociable uh the same advice i'd give myself today something wow uh i really enjoy spending time with my girlfriend and her two children and that was yesterday and i'm glad i did that it was a good time for everybody uh i'm proud i went into the military and um i'm glad i did that it was a good experience bye thank you,0 +405, hello yes okay not too bad i'm from chicago south side um back in nineteen seventy eight when i was eighteen yes lately not much maybe once every two or three years um it's totally different you know horrible weather and uh yeah it's just a whole different atmosphere um let's see my mother had moved to africa i graduated from high school and i had a friend out here so i just thought well let me try l_a uh very easy actually yeah i loved it from the moment i got off the airplane yeah number one the weather um sun is very important to me so i love the weather um i don't know just kind of a more laid back atmosphere variety of people and now it's my um my home base you know my friends that are family so it's kinda like my family is here now hmm i guess the smog earthquakes um traffic just basic things like that really um i don't currently but i did throughout my life i traveled quite a lot uh just seeing seeing other cultures and seeing um more history and meeting people and just fun and the the fun of it as well um let's see well one trip i went to england ireland and scotland and france all in you know one trip so that was a nice variety um i guess you could say probably skiing in val d'isere france that was fun i'm glad i got to do that i'm kind of shy by nature i've tried to grow out of being shy so i'm not fully shy but i was always a an extremely shy child but now here in culver city this is my environment and i i guess you could say i'm not really shy in in my hometown of culver city hm to relax i like to just curl up in my bed and read my book take a nap watch t_v sometimes on the couch in the living room just you know stay at home and kinda vegetate uh pretty good yeah my temper's pretty level hm probably with my husband and i can't remember at the moment what it was about um well when you say my family do you mean my family from childhood or my current family okay well i guess my current family comes to mind i i have two daughters and my relationship's pretty good it's okay with them but they're teenagers which uh you know going they're going through a lot of hormones and um they can be kinda bitchy and and um but i have hoped that you know they'll grow out of that and soon someday we'll have a really good relationship um and then there's the husband which i i guess i could say soon to be ex husband hopefully soon we need to get a divorce but we're still together due to financial reasons and yeah yeah so that that's not good the the relationship with the husband but um but since we have determined that we need to divorce our our we don't expect anything out out of each other so we don't argue as much so that's good hm well i guess our marriage i wish i had noticed early on that you know it was like way off from what i thought it was um let's see oh my god hardest decision i guess leaving my first husband that was pretty hard um well you know we were married and i wasn't content i guess you could say um and i kinda just gave up on our relationship and i i now that i look back i think it's because i wanted children and he would've been happy to never have any and so uh since i didn't have a father it was very important that i create children with someone who really wanted to be a father and so i was kind of at a age where i needed to start thinking about having children yet i was with someone who really was not into it so that i think that's one uh maybe the core reason why i was not content and i just felt like this marriage isn't gonna work and so you know we went to therapy and everything and he did not wanna break up and um and i had to leave him because i just wasn't happy and that was that was very hard 'cause you know i felt like i was hurting him which which i was you know and he survived he got over it now he's married with two kids but um it was hard to leave him mm something i wish i could erase from my memory i have to think about that i'm sure there's something oh well yeah there's um i guess it'd be nice to erase from my memory um a recent i mean not recent but an event in my recent adulthood here in culver city where one of my best friends um i've betrayed me by back years ago when my husband first got into real estate she and her family were growing and they really needed a larger home and um we just assumed that you know that they would use my husband as their agent both to sell their current home current at the time and purchase a new home and as it turned out they surprised us and had been talking to this other local agent and uh yeah that was devastating i don't think i had ever been betrayed like that so i wish i could erase that now 'cause now you know this was back when the kids were really young and um my daughter at the time my youngest daughter was let's say six maybe um maybe five anyway her her and my best friend's daughter are the same age they were born within days of each other we were pregnant together and um they were really tight those two little girls and they ended up not going to the same elementary school so they didn't get to hang out during those years but every time we'd run into them in the neighborhood or they'd run into each other at a summer camp or something they were just so connected they were just you know like two peas in a pod even though it's her their moms weren't talking to each other anymore so now they're thirteen and fourteen and they're in middle school together and they're still very connected in fact she she for the first time spent the night at our house last night with my daughter and another girl and it's just a little awkward you know 'cause now these girls are becoming really good friends better friends um and yet i still have this vivid um bad memory of what her her mom did to to me that was about what ten about eight years ago anyway i tried to i tried to ignore it and put it out of my head and which i've been able to in recent years but obviously it still comes up anyway that that was that um not that easy i do sometimes get a decent night's sleep but sometimes it's hard to get to sleep and most of the time i wake up and can't get back to sleep uh or i finally get back to sleep and then it's almost time to get up you know that that difficult thing well the waking up in the middle of the night is definitely triggered by having to go to the bathroom and then um you know it's not always that easy to get back to sleep and then i wake up again to go to the bathroom so i guess that's the trigger as far as getting to sleep having a hard time there i don't know i think there's just too much on my mind running through my mind and the day i feel like i haven't accomplished enough during the day so it's hard for me to just go to sleep when i'm supposed to i guess um well i'm kinda used to it now so i just go on through the day probably looking looking tired and um i i'm kinda used to feeling tired i just do what i need to do and sometimes if i'm able to if i'm at home and don't have huge commitments yeah i might just like i said earlier just take a nap or something read my book watch t_v watch whatever lately how have i been feeling um kind of down on myself down on life well i have this pending need need for separation slash divorce um i worry that i made a lot of mistakes with my girls now they're teenagers you know on the verge of adulthood and so i worry that you know i did all kinds of things wrong with their guidance and their early childhood and now it's too late um like i missed out on a thing a lot of things uh and yeah i need a job i'm unemployed i don't know what i wanna do with my life i know i wanna do something i i i just wish you know i never did finish college unfortunately because i was traveling and stuff so i i regret that extremely and i need to get a job and be able to take care of myself 'cause i need to divorce and move on with my life so now i forget what the original question was but um that's the state part of the state of my life no yes mm well the first time or or or recently the first time i guess was you know when i was in my early twenties i was just a little upset about coincidentally that was another breakup i had to make back then i was um in my early twenties and i needed to break up with my boyfriend but again it was very upsetting 'cause i you know it was hard because he didn't wanna break up and i felt like i was hurting him and i didn't understand this feeling i was really upset how i didn't that was my first time having depression so i didn't really recognize recognize it as depression but i went somehow i had the knowledge or the i was able to take myself to a psychiatrist i remember i paid for her by the hour and she prescribed xanax to just help relax me and so i guess that helped me get through that and then i've had depression throughout the years just you know little bits here and there for various reasons such as i guess it's usually a relationship you know um yeah so the most recent time i was diagnosed and put on meds that was probably about two years ago no um money i i don't have insurance otherwise yeah i'd be happy to go to therapy anything that might help ooh boy last time i felt really happy um i don't know i guess maybe when my children were born that's um i guess happy i don't know i just you know i always wanted children so it was nice to have them that's i don't know that's all i can remember of that i don't i guess i don't remember the good times too well i remember the bad times mm something i did that i really enjoyed well let's see i um friday night i went to a friend's house and met up with five other girlfriends and we we created vision boards and talked and had dinner at one of their house that was that was fun yeah we get to ooh stay in college get my degree um get therapy try to become a happy um yeah try to figure out things earlier in life like yeah stay in college and oh and mainly i think the main you know what it all boils down to no matter what you're depressed about it seems like as as the saying goes and the songs the songs go you know it's all about money the world revolves around money and having none that in itself is very depressing so besides relationships and different things that have happened in your life having no money is you know it's like you can't even try to fix anything because you don't have the money to fix it so with that in mind i would uh definitely advise myself to get my college degree and to stick get a job and stick with it um don't quit to go traveling you know just stick with a job stick with a company build up your seniority keep your benefits and build up some knowledge or some expertise in some sort of field yeah that would've been my biggest piece of advice to myself not much i guess just my daughters you know they're beautiful daughters and i'm proud and glad that i was able to have children some people aren't even able to do that you know and they try so hard or they look back on their life and they wish they had done it so that's the one thing i mean i wanted five children and i always wanted a boy which i never had but um i'm i guess that's the biggest thing i can think of to be proud of is having my two daughters um i'm a very loyal friend and person that's why when that friend betrayed me it was so devastating yeah very loyal um very happy i mean huh what was i gonna say i was gonna say happy lucky go lucky i don't know where that came from i'm very i meant to say friendly and caring and um yeah i care about people and i'm interested in people and i care about animals as well actually that's another thing i'm proud of proud of being a vegetarian yeah so my daughters and being vegetarian i'm a vegetarian because i really care about feelings of other beings not only humans but animals too and you know i don't think that animals should be tortured and live a a tortuous life just so we can eat 'em so um what was the question do you remember the question okay you're welcome bye,1 +406, yes i'm doing good i'm originally from southern california i like the um downtown theater district i like the beaches i i like the variety of stuff that you can do in one day hmm well sometimes i don't like the traffic i don't think there's really too much i don't like about l_a i really do like l_a though no i i haven't really traveled in about um five years oh i just haven't been able to travel um i just haven't traveled um i like going to new places and seeing things i haven't seen before and if i can like visiting um places like landmarks well the last one i did was san francisco that wasn't so far but i got to stay in downtown san francisco and i got to go shopping and i got to get on a um the street car so that was cool xxx well i still study i'm studying psychology mhm hmm well i decided to go back to school um just pretty quickly so i went to junior college and then when it got close to graduate i knew i wanna transfer so i'd taken a a couple psychology courses and i decided i liked it so i just decided to make that my major and it i thought it didn't have a lot of math but it had enough math so mm well now that i'm almost done i don't know if i'm gonna continue in that area well what i wanted initially was to um get into sports psychology but i'm not quite sure that's what i want either well i could be shy initially but um once you get to know me i'm outgoing i think i either go to sleep eat something really really good or watch something on netflix well just a good movie i like foreign movies a lot um so a lotta right now i'm into um martial arts movie with subtitles so i think i'm pretty good hmm you know i know they're not really long arguments i don't know if they're real arguments i know i argued with my boyfriend um 'cause he hung up in my face but i don't know why and it got solved pretty quickly so i don't know if it was really that important wait i walked out without say oh okay hmm i can't think of one right now i think the hardest decision i probably had to make was moving from well back to california from oregon well i was really young so i was um nineteen twenty-ish and i was really by myself so that was pretty hard 'cause obviously i had to support myself because it was really really boring in oregon so um i really like the activity here in l_a you know i don't really feel guilty about many things well i don't talk to them that much um my dad my stepmom live in oregon so i probably talk to 'em on the phone at least once or twice a month and then when they come out here i wanna say at least once a year sometimes it can be twice you know occasionally more but not too often then i see them um that's about it but i'm pretty much the only one out here my brother is also up there as well yeah hmm well i've had lots of positive influences i think um just regular people i come across you know maybe someone i've worked with maybe um like oh actually my uncle he's a really good positive influence he um he knows quite a bit has lots of good advice mm about life hmm you know i don't really think i've had anything that bad happen to me where i just don't uh where it bothers me so much i have to not think about it pretty well i can't say pretty easy 'cause i work odd schedule and then i go to school but um yeah if i wanna go to sleep i sleep really well though as long as i have enough you know hours really really happy and good nope no i'm always happy uh gosh yesterday um i'm just happy any time i talk to my boyfriend or if i go out and do something i'm just happy um i got off work i'm happy 'cause i'm done for the day i'm just really happy um i'm on spring break i'm really happy right now so hmm oh i haven't done like any really extremely fun activities unless you consider going out to eat but the last activity that i had a lot of fun doing was ice skating um in december downtown in downtown l_a no i don't really have too many regrets i mean whatever happens happens and you know it was meant to play out that way hmm well um i guess i would say don't worry too much about the small things um even though they seem really big it really they really are insignificant and uh you won't think about it six months from now i think my best qualities are i'm a happy person i'm a fun person i'm pretty easy to get along with i think most people like me and i'm just a cool person hmm well i wish i could study more i wish i would study more i wish that uh i would exercise more and i wish that uh that's yeah i think that's it right there hmm i don't think i wanna talk about that hmm i don't know i guess uh just taking care of myself supporting myself not having to go back home i guess that's about the best accomplishment there is thank you bye,0 +407, yes i'm actually feel i feel pretty good 'cause i uh i slept all day yesterday almost and i usually i'm doing something if it's not work it's school if it's not school it's work and then social life and all that so um i actually didn't have work yesterday and i don't have school i only have school on the weekdays so i actually slept probably like eighty five percent of the day so i actually feel kinda good but i'm actually kinda tired as well and i have other stuff going on but other than that i'm good today i'm originally from bakersfield california really uh i moved to l_a when i was an infant and then i left here when i was around three or four and i've been move i moved back here in oh seven and i've been living here um ever since um wow since i've been here since oh seven i've only been back maybe maybe like a couple times well i went there for like a summer like in oh eight i think i was there for like almost the whole summer but i've only been back a couple times um since i've been back here unfortunately uh uh uh it compares to l_a um it doesn't really compare to l_a i i grew up in sacramento actually i didn't get to tell you i was born in bakersfield then i lived here and then i anyways i don't know if i did i forgot anyways um yeah there's like nothing really to do there it's really small it's the valley um l_a has all the stuff to do it has um oceans and it's by all kinds of um located um by a lot of um cool places like vegas and uh san diego and what have you not so um but yeah other than that i miss my friends and stuff but i don't miss like the actual city i just miss uh some of the people that i grew up with oh i can't see your shoes but um i don't travel a lot actually i've only been out of california like six times so i would like to travel once i uh have enough money to do so um well originally i wanted to be a filmmaker and which i still wanna be a filmmaker and i um studying i was took i took communications and uh did general ed stuff too and um took like video production classes and um did a lot of stuff uh in regards to um filmmaking and i have learned a lot of stuff and i still have that knowledge however i haven't really used it since i've been back here in l_a i did all that stuff in northern california in sacramento but um and then i transferred um switched over to be uh to business which i took some classes in that but now i'm actually studying to be an optician and i'm actually almost done with schooling and getting ready to try to get in the field and become an optician so but i do wanna be uh i actually still wanna be a filmmaker and um that's still one of my plans and i still actually i got into um playing poker a few years ago and i really like the idea of becoming a full time filmmaker or full time poker player however both of those jobs are extremely difficult to make a living out of and you have to be like the small percent so we'll see if not then hopefully my optician career can take me somewhere to be an optician oh um uh i guess i was just trying to find something that it was like it's like a trade it's well it's a private college but it just like specifically trains you into um one field and you just learn that you don't do like your g_e and all these other classes like you normally would do for like um like a um a major or whatever you're gonna do so it just trains you specifically to be an optician and jump in the field i um took it just because i actually want want to be a dental assistant and since it sound like something maybe i could do it sounds interesting but then the counselor actually um got my attention to be an optician so i'm now trying to be an optician and it's interesting so it's fun it's um really hard but it's interesting and it and it um and it's it's fun it has um rewarding um rewarding benefits as far as like being able to help people see better and feel comfortable with glasses or contact lenses whatever they feel more comfortable with cool uh i'm definitely outgoing however i can be shy sometimes like i'm kinda shy right now because talking to you and you're uh in a computer and you're a cartoon or uh animated or whatever so cool but no usually ninety eight percent um i actually which it is actually kinda funny and i think maybe this might go for some of the poker players too um i don't really i've never really talked to any professional poker player but as far as like um i actually playing poker is um actually something that helps me forget about anything as far as like um stuff in the past or present um or future stuff that's coming up uh as far as like i am really relaxed i really um could just not think about anything and just think about poker and it actually it's kinda like a therapy thing for me 'cause i don't like i guess you could say it's a kinda drug because um i don't think about anything as far as like stressed out or depressed or stuff that's happened in the past i just like focus on poker so it's actually kinda relieving however playing poker is very stressful on top of that so i guess it's kind of like um catch twenty two or whatever but uh yeah so no poker i play like to play basketball i like to watch movies i like to go to the beach actually one of the things i like to do is go to the beach 'cause it does um it makes me feel good but it i didn't go i usually only go to the beach when it's hot not during the cold season so it's coming up soon so i'm looking forward to that i'm gonna be busy but uh i'll try to go out to the beach as much as i can um i'm really good at controlling my temper actually i've only been in like i'm thirty years old i've been in like six fights maybe and all six of 'em were started by the other person so i've never started a real fight in my whole life like i started fights when i was a little kid but talking about like real stuff like once you get passed it at like thirteen fourteen uh but yeah no i'm good like every now and then like there's been a couple times maybe in the past where like i wasn't able to control it but um as far as like ever being violent or anything that's never occured and never would but for um majority of the time yeah i don't have like people do stupid things all the time and i just like let it go especially like um on the freeway and stuff but uh oh well i mean i argued a bit with my ex girlfriend a lot but uh it was just about really um petty things i guess that maybe we just i think we were good for each other but uh maybe some other lifetime because uh we just bumped heads too much so obviously she's my ex girlfriend probably for a reason so we just argued about girlfriend boyfriend things uh um i guess my filmmaking um handled differently there's a lot of stuff i could've handled differently but uh uh maybe like when i was doing really good when i was younger and i was um working for scrubbed_entry production assistant for filmmakers around um where i lived in sacramento so i was doing everything that i wanted to do as far as my dreams are concerned and had a lot all my stuff together i had my own car my own apartment and then i got involved with like uh the wrong group of people i guess and kinda tumbled downhill from there and like lost everything like car job apartment so i just wish that maybe i never got involved with those kind of people that kinda of girl um uh ever uh because i woulda probably it probably my life probably would be a lot different now however i believe that everything happens for a reason and obviously i think you should also like if stuff happens good or bad uh uh learn from your other mistakes so that when it happens again you could um not make that mistake or try not to make it as bad i guess so you know mm hardest decision i guess i guess uh hardest decision the hardest decision i have ever had to make would be um i guess you could say uh i don't really know was gonna say that uh maybe like my ex girlfriend like i could've like stayed with her and i really like still am in love with her and uh would like to be with her and miss her but i guess the biggest mistake um decision that i had to make was like i know that it wasn't like a healthy relationship and i know if we like stayed together or if we got married or had kids that i don't think it would end up working out anyways so i guess the decision my hardest decision would be to like actually stay away from her and not get back with her and uh be uh not with her so i guess that was a hard really hard decision because um i could easily have done it and i guess maybe i would've been happier in that way but stressed out and um irritable or whatever and the other way of having to deal with her i guess deal with each other our our relationship so it was really hard still is so uh i guess that's it not choosing to be with someone that i i loved and loved me or whatever so cool oh what was that i beg your pardon nevad i don't understand the first part of that question oh an event oh an event okay um that i could erase uh event that i could from my memory uh my ex girlfriend i wish i'd never met her my first girlfriend and my last girlfriend i wish i never met them 'cause uh we we were together in love for a few years and then we broke up and it was really hard so i guess both of them oh it's extremely easy i could fall asleep anywhere i actually the other day i broke a record i almost fell asleep standing up which would've been weird because i guess i would've fallen down or something i don't know i just caught myself i guess i was really i mean i was really tired but i i do a lot of stuff so it's hard for i don't really get that much sleep as much as i would like like but i could sleep when i'm dead or whatever so as they say uh no no uh lately i'm just tired but i'm alright i guess i'm dealing with this breakup still it's only been like a month an a week but it's actually it's not i mean i've had worse things happen i mean worse things happen had worse things happen so yeah i guess well i'm a religious person i'm catholic i believe in god i know there's a god so um i obviously even all of it even devoted people to god um regardless of what they are they uh sometimes lose faith so i do lose faith sometimes but it doesn't really last for that long and i know that there is a god i know that i'll be okay and that everything will be okay but you know it's hard um deal with them i i don't really i just keep going you know go to school and work and i just have to keep going i can't give up so i just try to stay busy and staying busy helps kind of and like sleeping a lot helps but i don't get to sleep a lot so um i don't know uh playing poker playing basketball deals helps me deal with it and like uh hanging out with my friends helps me sometimes why uh uh uh i felt really happy on friday because um i went to san diego for the first time and uh i didn't it wasn't as cool as i thought it was gonna be but uh we were like under circumstances as far as like my friend had business to take care of and it took a long time so i would've much rather been free during that time but i wasn't but we had fun and it was cool uh i enjoyed it so yeah i really liked uh i was had fun and i was happy about going to san diego for the first time and i um had a good time oh she's um a lot of things but i guess i would say like be nicer to like um family members you know a couple family members that i wish i would've been different to um acted different to not that i was like a horrible but i could've been nicer in some instances that if i didn't know the situation at hand uh i would've never like really um went out and partied all the time like i did like high school and different part times of out of high school i would've just really focused on um schooling and stuff and then did the partying later uh wouldn't have gotten relationships that um so i would've just told myself more basically to be more uh have more direction be more focused i guess uh stay away from people and unhealthy relationships unhealthy people i guess not that i'm the healthiest but um yeah i just would've done a lot of stuff different but i um i don't know if i said this earlier but i believe everything happens for a reason um so i guess everything's happening now for a reason so i'm just gonna keep going uh i guess they would the few that i do have or few that i used to have 'cause i have best friends now a couple i guess one new one and i've lost a few best friends as far as like just not we like went out own ways but i guess they would all probably describe me more as like um happy energetic uh funny crazy uh loud uh silly uh smart and uh i just in i guess in uh in general just like entertaining to be around have i haven't always always been the best bestest best friend but i try you know my hardest so that's it like cool um change myself uh i wish i was um i wish i was like fifteen pounds lighter um i wish i didn't need uh how do i say put this uh i feel like um i feel like i'm a i feel like i i need to be like in a relationship with a girl i feel like i wish i didn't have to be like feel like that i needed to have a girl all the time and so i could that could help me like focus more and i wish that like i didn't need sexual um i wasn't always thinking about sexual stuff towards girls all the time as far as like me having to be in a sexual thing with them like as far as like wanting sex as much as i do 'cause i feel like if i didn't concentrate or have to do like get be with girls or in a relationship to like well who i don't know how to say it but i'm just saying like i there's like guy friends that i know that don't need sex as much as i do and i feel like i need it more than i feel like sometimes that i wish i didn't need need it as much so maybe i guess i'm addicted to it a little bit where like i i could focus on more things other than just i mean i don't just focus on sex but i just feel like if focus on if i didn't want it need it or think i need it as much that i could get more stuff done in my life but yeah so i'm trying i'm working on that what am i most proud of uh i'm most proud of the the i'm most proud oh i guess i guess i'm most proud of working for um television station back in sacramento and working on a lot of um film sets 'cause like i i was sixteen and i decided i wanted to be a fimmaker and then two years later a year and a half later basically i got i started making steps to become a filmmaker and then i ended up working working in the business and working as a filmmaker for a really really um really um good um cinematographer a really good um freelance cinematographer that was based that lives in sacramento they did a lot of things so i'm proud that had a dream and i went for it and i and actually ended up doing stuff to go towards my dream that were in my dream so um yeah i guess that's one of my biggest accomplishments which was like over ten years ago but i you know hopefully something like that could happen again soon or you know so perfect goodbye,0 +408, yes i am i'm doing great i am originally from venezuela i was two years old yes i was um been only once i do not have family there anymore uh my uh siblings live in florida nowadays wow there's so many things i like about l_a i like the weather i like people overall i think the weather we're very lucky here traffic uh i have traveled some meeting new people and doing new learning about new cultures i enjoy languages uh traveling itself i have traveled to italy uh i lived there for seven and a half years and i studied abroad i've uh visit a few countries through europe and i had a real good time um probably traveling uh through rail along europe and getting to know cities in that way totally outgoing i do meditation um it's usually a practice that you can becomes very natural so my body's able to um sense when i'm not feeling at ease and i naturally um breathe and start my meditation process mm it could be hard if you don't practice it every day or if you're not able to quiet your mind however if you um meditate for a long time it becomes a practice like going to the gym or drinking your daily water um you can naturally learn to meditate i think pretty good i typically do not argue uh and i don't remember any instance of arguing with someone recently maybe being on the freeway and taking the wrong exit i would've probably paid attention to uh my uh probably g_p_s or not being over confident hardest decision i ever had to make uh i guess moving back from europe to l_a coming back home i miss my friends it was time to come back i had done my schooling and it was time to come back home see my parents and join my family i love my family they're the core of my life i have a nephew he's uh six years old and he's the love of my life love them all my teachers uh my parents and definitely my mentors well i don't think i have anything that bad that i want to erase from my memory um i can't think of any sorry guilty about i don't think i have anything to feel guilty about however sometimes i feel guilty when i eat a lot of cookies 'cause that is not good for my health very easy i sleep like a baby once i hit the bed i've been feeling good no i felt really happy about two months ago i went to a friend's birthday she celebrated in a casino by a city away from los angeles san bernadino and i was playing with a twenty five cents with quarters and i won like seventy five dollars in the machine so that was very cool uh outgoing always planning something exciting to do um very outspoken mm not that i know of no oh always do what you want to do life is short and um always keep on learning uh i want to lose two more pounds i i've been very very blessed i've never really felt anyone make me feel bad and i usually interact well with everyone i meet and i'm very blessed to have everyone be nice to me i'm a great listener uh i spend quality time with my friends and family uh not quantity necessarily but quality time and i'm very supportive and i love to pretty much listen listen and listen sometimes that's all people need i went to school um i have two degrees um business management um uh degree and also i have a language degree i learned languages when i was very little uh had the opportunity to travel and it was easier for me to keep on learning languages and uh the business part i enjoy interacting with people creating um new ideas uh innovating so i believe that's where my interested in uh business came from mhm yes i am my dream job one that wouldn't have probably challenges every day uh one that i could uh i don't know i'd just come to the office and everybody and everything would be perfect but uh it's not real so uh i think one of the main things about having a a job is enjoying those challenges very proud of myself uh my accomplishments and i'm also very proud of my family and my friends and how they have uh uh achieved and overcome their obstacles um sure i have a friend of mine who is now in new york state university she had quite some challenges trying to get there and funding her education and now she is um uh not only in the school but she hosts has acquired uh some funding for her education through a lot of writing letters and petitions and things she did in order to conquer her dream to be in school so very proud of her thank you goodbye,0 +409, okay mm okay sure mm doing okay i'm from uh l_a yeah i like the weather i like the sports teams i like the entertainment yeah uh it's pretty much the same year round as far as well actually the weather could be good and could be bad you don't get to get all four seasons so it's it's kinda like a mixed bag and um i guess i maybe i'm kinda used to it by now so it'd be kinda nice to explore other areas i've lived here all my life having done too much traveling so uh it's a little bit of uh kind of a ruttiness to it but uh overall it's okay uh well i took computer programming in operations but that's going back to the seventies so it's technology's changed a lot as you can tell in the last forty odd years that's why that's my that was my major yeah um i don't know it's kind of it's kind of inquisitive you have to use your mind uh it was like you know brand new something you know very novel back in the in the old days you know back in the seventies now it's everything to computers but back then it was sort of like something very unique um you didn't see you know too many computers around back then and um i worked in programming so i was kind of into the logicalness of it you know putting together you know solving a a particular um problem you know come up with step by step solutions on i guess all sort of back then i was kind of more into the the analytic analytical analytical analytical i can't say that word now the analyticalness of the um the problem mhm uh no i kinda phased out i still use computers but i haven't gotten i been haven't been in programming for a long time um well i kinda got into a another area kinda diversion uh diversion to diversion to another area in my life uh this is going back to the um the late seventies i kinda took another turn and then by the time i kinda got back into it it was i kinda got into another field so i never really pursued it to the degree that i wanted to wow that's a good question i never thought about that uh well actually kinda ironically ironically actually something was pretty simple at this point in time this is why maybe i'm kinda like made me a little bit depressed and then i um at this point i kind of just wanted kind of just do a nice relaxing job but but i do want somewhat of a challenge but i don't want to have to like do too much too much thinking that's almost like the opposite of what i was back in the in the old days you know i just want a nice comfortable relaxing job that i i can feel fulfillment on but i don't wanna too tense of a situation i'm kinda at the point in my life where i just want a nice relaxing job yeah yeah oh i would say well for the most part shy but sometimes once i get going i could be outgoing um but i generally speaking i'm i'm shy to begin with and then i at times i can kinda loosen up and be more vocal and sometimes i can take it to the to the extreme where i'm talking too much like once the funny gates open up they kind of open up too much so i have to like back off you know but overall i would say i'm kind of shy as as a general demeanor oh really yeah oh um well i listen to music um i'll um well i watch t_v um i'll um just what what do i do to relax well i just try uh avoid stressful situations so like kinda i stay relaxed i also talk to my friends too i'll be around an area around kind of a comfort area where i i feel safe i can just dialogue with people so kinda gets me out of my thinking about my own problems i'm having i kinda just you know focus on being in the moment with my um acquaintances friends and acquaintances um i'm pretty good i don't really have a temper problem it takes a lot to get me to uh to explode i think when i was in my younger days i think i was a little bit more had a little bit slight bit of temper i never had a really bad temper but uh uh temper is not really an issue i have i i tend to be pretty mellow easy going yeah wow that's a good question um i'm not sure to be honest um i'd have to think about that for a long time to be honest i i can't come up with an answer on that it's not really part of my repertoire um nothing comes to mind off top of my head well um well the only thing i can think of and kinda going way back i made some bad investments bad investments back about ten years ago i was more um i'm trying to think of what word i'm looking for more trusting of people like uh people and like uh who i thought were expert in their field and um i uh i inherited some money i was a little bit careless with it and i just kinda had a vibe you know that uh nothing would go wrong kinda a little bit of naitivity naitivity and um unfortunately i made some bad financial decisions it kinda put me in a bad position for the rest of my life unfortunately um because of a medical conditions i have it's hard for me to rebound and you know make it all up so i would say mainly uh financial uh investment decisions that i really regret wow hmm that's a tough one i can't think of anything off the top of my head okay oh well uh don't really have too much family left the only one i have is my um it's just me and my uncle and we communicate we communicate on a regular basis um he lives
  • but he lives in clearwater florida so uh we're we're okay but um uh he's like eight he's he's in his eighties and obviously i'm in my fifties so um we we do we have kinda a small talk he's kinda concerned about my well being but it's kind of on somewhat of a shallow on a shallow level it's not we don't get really deep and uh he's got his own problems so we don't really get into too deep of a conversation and other than him it's really there's not really anybody else i have so it did it probably makes me a little bit depressed 'cause i don't really feel i have anybody i can really count on or really confide in um it is challenging uh i don't know why but i do have a medical condition so i think that might be part of the problem and um i have a little bit of b_p_a so ocassionally i'll get up have to go to the restroom and um so to to answer your question to make a long story short um it is challenging to get a good night's sleep i usually uh wake wake up feeling a little bit tired or achy so it is it is difficult uh well i've been feeling okay i mean um i've been kinda feeling mellow actually um i'm i'm trying to address issues that i haven't taken uh responsibility for but um i feel a bit of calmness as of late no well i did say yes when i filled out the questionnaire and um i'm not positive if i was technically diagnosed with it i did take a uh i think it's called m_m_p_h the minnesota multifaceted personality something of whether this is going back about six months ago they were asking me questions about my memory but then they also got into questions about my my well being psychologically too and i think some of the the answers said that they advise that i see a psychologist or a psychiatrist i didn't follow that up on that because of philosophical differences but uh i think i might have a you know a mild case of depression well you know um like i said i'm just kinda like kinda going along in life i'm uh i'm doing okay but i you know i kinda life's passing me by so i haven't really fulfilled my my goals i you know i'm kinda like alone i'd like to have a girlfriend i don't have a girlfriend so that's kind of somebody who i feel i can get close to and i'm not really i'm kinda in a transitional period in my life right now so uh there's a little bit of uncertainty i have some you know kinda financial uncertainties so um you know overall i'm not doing as good as i'd like to wow that's a good one really happy um let me think about that a minute well actually um it wasn't that long ago actually i went to um okay i know that one actually i can come up with an answer um i helped out a lady she was at a at a tradeshow it was anaheim it was a natural products expo so it was pretty nice we uh we had some nice meals afterwards there was a lot of exhibiters giving out really nice samples it was in anaheim so i kinda got a chance to get away from l_a and um you know met some interesting people uh they were very outgoing they were willing to like have me experience their product or service and um i was around people that i work with who uh i got to socialize with so uh i think i was pretty happy back then and that was about uh about a month ago yeah yeah it was best friend i don't know if i really have a best friend but uh i would say um hmm i don't know technically i really don't have a best friend so it's really hard for me to answer that so uh i can't really come with an answer to be honest um i i like to be conscientious i you know i do have flaws and every but i think overall i'm conscientious i try to be honest for the most part on the on the major issues i might you know say little white lies or you know i'm not perfect on that but when it comes to the serious stuff i tend to be pretty honest and i'm i'm a hard worker i got got good work ethic um i tend to be pretty calm for the most part um what do i regret well can you elaborate that uh well um i just well just overall um i regret uh not being a little more assertive in in my earlier uh earlier life um and kinda put myself in this position it's going kinda goes back to my financial decisions that was sort of that's sort of like my albatross in my life i made some bad decisions and unfortunately i have to kinda pay the price for now so i kind of like sort of like living sort of a pauper existence right now which is kinda kinda depressing so i would say that's probably what i regret most of all well i'd say to really you know analyze kinda go with what you really feel um i think i was going with other people's opinion other people's advice i was kinda going away from my basic beingness you know like the way i really felt like for example i'd make i would do aggressive uh investing which if it turned out good it would've been like sort of like winning the lotto i would've been well off for the rest of my life but unfortunately it went the opposite way too too many eggs in that basket so i kinda regretted going with my gut feeling and and let other people influence me and uh 'cause by nature i'm a conservative person so i should really do more concervative investments in other areas my life i tend to be more conservative but i kinda made some aggressive financial financial decisions so that's pretty much kinda it always goes back to that area as far as what i regret yeah wow that's interesting uh well i've been doing a lot on weekends so well i do like like to be profitable uh i like to do something where i can actually you know make money that's sort of like my bread and butter time 'cause i do tradeshows but if i'm not doing that then i like to maybe watch some um you know i'd like to go to entertainment maybe go to a ball game uh go to a movie go out with some friends so i would just or you know just kinda kick back but my main primary primary focus would be on you know earning earning money on the weekends uh that's interesting most proud of um i would say that i lived by and large i lived a wholesome life i would say i never got myself into any kind of really bad bad uh vice um you know i i lived a pretty wholesome wholesome life i'd say that'd probably i don't know if it's really proud um but as but as far as i stayed the course as far as uh not going down any real deep alleys so to speak okay my pleasure bye now ,1 +410, yes uh i'm fine today today is my daughter's birthday california yes um the beach i love the waters the gang violence violence um i lost a lot of friends growing up in um through elementary and high school just losing them through gang violence yeah thank you it was pretty tough out there um haven't been to any place out of california yet so not really um i'm an optician i'm a certified optician and i also have my associate's degree um actually i went in i didn't really know what i wanted to do when i first applied i just knew i wanted to change my life and do something successful um before i settled down and you know had my daughter and everything um actually my guidance counselor kind of helped me and i i always thought like they were so cool 'cause their white long lab coats to be a optometrist um 'cause i'm already an optician and that's like the first step and um what i why is a good question it's because then i would have a be able to have my own business and i would have something successful to leave to my daughter and she wouldn't have to really want to anything it would be like a a family business but a a to help the community as well and something i could leave for my daughter uh my daughter she's five years old uh she'll be starting elementary school next week and today is her birthday uh five years ago i had her um she is very smart um i taught her home i home schooled her for five years and um she's adorable she's my heart no this is like the hardest job ever it's very hard providing providing uh making sure that you wash their clothes um 'cause 'cause i mean it's hard enough to be um a parent but i'm a young parent and i'm a little more mature than her father so it's um it's it's the providing part i would basically say making sure that you have everything that they need it's so complicated let alone um it gives you enthusiasm to be more to go the extra mile um even being here today i probably would've still been in bed but today is my daughter's party and i was trying to make whatever extra little money i could make you know to make sure that she has a good day so it's all about uh going the extra mile doing anything that you can do to provide to provide for them but it it's a very hard job um that moment of the day when your child tells you how much they care about you and um my daughter her favorite thing is to tell me i'm her i'm her heart you know and and how many i mean just call your name it just it's a sense of reality um to be called mom or to call call dad and it it just like it infatuates you it also let you know like this is reality this is this is my life this is what i'm living right now and it's a it's a very good feeling that's the best part of being a parent thank you um a lot of different things i'm actually taking care of my daughter um i'm here with her uh i was raised by my grandparents so i mean i didn't really i didn't get to know my mom til i was sixteen and my father i mean i couldn't point him out on the street on the sidewalk so i don't know who he is so i feel that um i'm very different from them because no matter how hard the job is getting i don't give up yeah um i guess i there's been oh excuse me um there's been a lot of different people that have been very positive in my life i can say um my sister she was a good influence on me to get into the medical field she's in the uh she's an l_v_a and um she's one of my older sisters um i can say me believing in god being in my life god being in my life has also kept my strong and to know that i don't have to take on this world by myself because god is there for me and um hm i don't know i don't really look up to a lot of different people because people lie so and that's the most what i could think that's been positive for me i think i'm outgoing i used to be shy um coming up as a kid and i don't know i don't know what happened to me uh one day i just broke out of my shell and i've been um very accurate of showing my personality off um i actually like for the waves to collapse against the rocks at the beach and i like to just sit there and just zone out everybody else that's there and rub my toes in the sand and that is so relaxing um excuse me sorry about that um i learned not to uh 'cause it's a form of it's a form of knowing who's in control and is it your life or someone else's and i feel that my temper me controlling my temper is showing that i'm in charge of my life so i don't even let stuff get to me i don't even really remember the last time that i had to control my temper because that's how much i try to block out the the negativity mm probably my husband my daughter's father um uh probably over like uh you know the dishes or like the small things but not uh physical altercation like with another human being no wow um being honest i kind of feel guilty about how things like uh basically how things ended um before my mom passed i wish that i could've helped her a little more even though people tell me not to feel bad um because she wasn't really there for me growing up but i kind of feel guilty like you know not being there as much as i could've been for her before she passed away so i think that's something that i um i still feel guilty for um going through my mom passing away um i felt like i felt like um basically that it was i felt kind of robbed in a sense like i felt everyone else had parents and i grew up with my grandparents and then for me to go so many years without actual you know mom and dad for me to get eighteen years old and then then she leaves me it was kind of like um i don't know it was nerve wracking because i felt robbed you know it was like i didn't have her all these years and then now that i'm older and i'm i don't even have her now so um signing the paper of having a c section when it was time for me to have my daughter i was so nervous so scared um really didn't know what to do how to take it and i mean like that was so scary um it was the safest way of bringing my daughter into this world yes it's hard i didn't even sleep last night that's why i'm yawning but um uh i i kind of tend to try to do everything and i have to get back to that stage where i have to think about myself as well and give myself time um a little like this but actually i'm a little nicer today um just groggy um lately i've been feeling very confident about um being positive about going the extra mile of being a good parent uh yeah i actually really don't care what other people think anymore i used to let that bother me but i don't no more no no um uh today 'cause i was so happy that i brought my daughter into this world today on her birthday um getting to know people mhm mm not at the moment if i go uh to watch who i associate with my weight uh i would say my grandma mm um uh uh it's it's just uh i'd rather not um my daughter that's my pride and joy wow thank you bye,1 +411, sure pretty good new york uh i moved to l_a in the seventies but i yeah but i lived a lot of different places of um i guess every few years but i travel a lot so i've lived in i've lived in africa i've lived in spain switzerland hong kong too um different cultures food music rituals uh everything the smells the colors makes you feel alive excuse me one of my trips uh i lived in kenya for about a year um i'd say i love horseback riding so when you're uh viewing other animals when you're kind of disguised in the scent of a horse you can approach the animals a lot closer so um it was great seeing red orange fall sunsets and riding along you know uh seeing so many animals yeah in kenya um probably when i went to a a masai village and i happened to i used to live in hawaii and i've had been to tahiti and i was wearing one of those pareos that are hand painted and i had it tied over the left shoulder with the twisted in a knot and i happened to enter a masai village for the first time uh that day and i looked all around and the men were wearing their clothing exactly with the same twist on the same shoulder and they came over to me and they said why are you dressed masai and uh and um then they came back and gave me what appeared to be uh some very large what looked like beaded leather bookmarks but they were actually earrings so they would've like weighed my ears straight down and um and then then they gave me some bracelets and then they had uh me wear something around my waist and they said now you look proper masai so but i i yeah i just i have a lot of uh i think living getting a chance to live in different countries around the world i've just uh you feel alive all your senses are completely you know uh awoken yeah i think it's not so clear cut i think a lot of peoples are a hybrid of both i mean i think i can be extremely shy sometimes but extremely brazen uh and very courageous at other times probably one of my best virtues is i'm very gutsy person so when i really feel passionate about something i risk everything to go achieve it sometimes um i believe that um usually i well i make decisions very quickly and i find that i have a friend who makes decisions very slowly and he said to me tell me how i can make decisions quicker and i told him i said well in each case you always have no choice and he says what do you mean there's hundreds of choices and i said not really because it's gut wise is only one and it doesn't really matter you waste time physical energy emotional energy mental energy reflecting all of it when gut wise you always know what the choice what you really wanna do is and it doesn't matter whether there's a ninety eight percent chance of failure even if it's a two percent chance of success you have to go to the one that may yield you joy so i always go to that it's it's to me a waste of total time and energy to even think about another choice 'cause who cares if you remain unscathed but it when it yields no joy uh pardon you said you put your fish what do i do when i'm annoyed um i think when i'm annoyed sometimes i it's because sometimes i can have i can need to be a little more patient um i guess you really have to put yourself in somebody else's shoes rather than the way you would react you have to have more empathy um not really i think that's the reason why i enjoy traveling so much 'cause you're put in other situations where you're forced to to um understand other people's lives a lot more regardless of how different they are uh from yours different situations i've been to so many third world countries and and lived in so many different situations that you it it helps create that which is why travel is really the best education there is let me think um uh last time i argued about something um god i'm trying to remember um oh i think it was when somebody didn't respect actually my privacy in something um uh oh i know what it was um it was somebody who belonged to the uh uh scientology faith um i uh inherited i inherited um possibly uh a immune disorder from my mother my mother died from lupus and um uh i sometimes even right now i have like skin rashes welts and everything and i am very photo sensitive and um i had an you know an episode where i was i had big flare up and i wasn't really feeling well i felt flushed and everything and the scientologist tells me that i needed to be audited and um and he said something about are you aware of past lives and i had told him that i was buddhist and i was kind of curious that if you're going to try to recruit somebody to convert to your religion at least you should find out the other person what religion they are just to even be informed and to be able to talk to them and i and he said that are you aware that um about something in your past and i go yes i believe that many religions uh including buddhisms and scientology believe that things that you have have had in your history sometimes affect you or things that you keep that anger issues bitterness um resulting from even your past relationships or your parents and such can affect and make you even sick make you even have cancer yes we believe that and also we also believe i said that you know that you have the power of each person has a god like or a buddha like nature to go ahead and you can make yourself even when i'm on the verge of possibly being i probably get one cold maybe every fifteen years i don't have a tendency to be sick at all and a large part of it is i think when i think i'm on the verge i take sort of like and i did this even when i was a child uh when i was seven i would fold down i had my boo boo and i would take i would say i would have the good part you know help the bad part from a simplistic way in terms of a child and i would actually even when i was in a very severe car accident where i got cut by glass my whole back i concentrated healing and and when i went back to the hospital the doctors actually had the nurses come and say this is incredible that just her last week her back was so severely cut this is incredible healing thing so i believe that but uh um uh but i was just i think annoyed and irritated a little because the scientologist told me that because he had taken twenty or forty courses and he these certificates on his wall that he felt that he was more enlightened and it didn't it wasn't even a matter i said of whether he was um whether he took twenty forty courses or whether i'd been practicing buddhism whether it was for five ten fifteen twenty years or whether somebody'd been practicing some type of christianity for fifty years and bending sitting in a church pew every day it doesn't mean this person could have never attended church and be more spiritual than somebody who has you know so i just was thinking that was the antithesis of somebody who says they're enlightened but it's just the way i guess he kept cramming his uh you know his faith down my throat that after a while i was pretty patient with him but he it was so pompous that i became irritated especially when he kept telling me that it was audited and yet the same person needed a hip surgery uh the following week and i didn't point it out to him 'cause i just didn't wanna get into it but one could say hey you have a bad hip 'cause you need to be audited that that something that you did in your past otherwise you wouldn't need to get a hip surgery i mean i believe to some extent things that can be caused by people themselves and then he's flippantly said well are you aware of scientologists believe that past lives can also affect you know and i'm thinking to myself buddhists of all religions are are kind of like well known for you know believing in in a cause and effect and past lives situations and i found my thought he should really read up if he's trying to convert other people from other religions so but um you know i i you know i i just didn't you know care for the fact that he wouldn't drop it but other than that i mean i don't um uh sometimes to have a little more tact i guess when when it's in terms of patience i can think of that right away i guess uh disconnecting my father when he was like a vegetable in the hospital mm mm my brother uh was supposed to be the strong one supposedly because he is in the medical field so my sister and i said well you know he's the medical one so he's probably used to seeing this all the time but it turns out he was the weakest one and even after you know my boss my father kept you know um um you know bucking the his body would actually be fighting the artificial respirator and all kinds of things you see all this jerking of body movements and stuff it was just very hard mm but you know it was after a while the uh you know even the physicians and even the uh pastor from that particular uh hospital you know hospital they said that he was no longer like even if he was to awaken from that he his brain function would've been been you know negligible yeah it was mhm hm mm i don't think i really have that many things that are that traumatic that happened to me that i've had to block them i really don't know what it is within my makeup which doesn't make me feel like i need to like i don't keep i have friends that have unmitigated issues which they're not even aware of that affect their behavior or maybe their bitterness or their anger or their hatred or their fear and for some reason i i feel blessed that i don't really i can't really even think of something that i mean i've had some bad situations happen to me but it's not that the some reason they've traumatized me in affecting you know my behavior where i would where i block it that i'm not aware of something or i hold residual negativity for some reason so i really can't think of anything i mean there's bad things that happen and i know they're there but it's not like i feel like i it's necessary for me to block them 'cause i've been able to you know um accept sometimes sometimes there were unfortunate things that happened pretty easy i can usually make my sleep i self sleep in any situation if i have a one hour flight to san francisco i could just kind of lean against the window with the pillow have the blanket over and even on an hour flight pass out before the plane has even taken off from the ground so i can just i have literally when i've had little sleep and i very uh high energy so i don't really need that much sleep but say like if i'm in africa and i bumpy potholed unpaved road and i suddenly saw that i need a few moments of sleep i'll just prop something up put my elbow against the window and say i think i'll gonna take a nap for fifteen minutes go like this and through the jostling i coud just take a nap for fifteen minutes so i don't really have have that problem okay pretty okay i mean i could deal without the skin flare ups but you know from the photo sensitivity and all that but other than that i'm in pretty good spirts uh huh have i ever studied studied what uh i could still couldn't hear you i'm sorry have i ever studied changes changes in my behavior what was the word um no uh uh um i don't know just with friends and everything just even this past week just seeing friends that i enjoy being with and just having a great meal laughing just you know having a good time listening to music regret about my entire life you mean or are you talking about just recently or what are you talking about mm you know it's funny uh i find that a lot of the negative experiences that in in my life that have happened have also been uh um opened up experiences that are that are also great that i have not overlooked for example i got totally ripped off by my business partner to the tune of my whole my whole savings and i've had to start all over again and sometimes people sat to me like are you sure you're okay are you are you just pretending to be okay or are you angry do you wanna seek revenge if i was you know 'cause my business partner essentially ripped me off we knew each other's families which was even more difficult in a way um and uh he stole essentially my whole life's savings essentially in a way and he was got sent to prison and the f_b_i was involved interpol was involved uh i was living in switzerland and my father was sick and i was going back and forth and um uh but you know if i hadn't get involved hadn't hadn't gotten involved with him in business i wouldn't have had the a lot of rich experiences and i think sometimes the reason why i don't know why i'm such a positive person but for some reason uh i'm able to it's not that i'm purposely trying to i do see the positiveness in even horrible situations i wouldn't have gotten to live in barcelona and zurich i wouldn't have learned to speak as good spanish german german uh lived in in europe if i had not gotten involved in business with my business partner who ended up ripping me off but and there's a lot of other experiences and different friendships that i developed during that period of time and in a way it was a total different life uh a different world that that would you know that i would've never um had the chance you know to live through if i had not involved my you know but of course it cost me financially and but then again i've always been the type of person who you know money isn't everything and i think the when i least cared about money is when i made the most of it so there you go and for example one of my favorite times in my life probably when i lived in kenya and you would think that you know a lot of people have this really bad vision of it maybe looking living in mud dung huts or something and living very primitively i mean it it's not like that at all but i and you'd think that with the least amount of uh technological technological innovations and stuff like that i mean actually and i really didn't have you know that much many many material goods at the time i mean i had the blast i had probably the one of the best years of my life when i was living in kenya the same thing that i did probably when i was about fifteen or sixteen um to live your life with passion and again like choose the way i was saying earlier about making decisions you have to make those decisions gut wise what will give you a sense of awe and wonderment what would make you give you joy and you have to it's it's regardless what the percentages are even if you only have a one percent chance of success you have to go towards that 'cause that's the only thing that will yield you know the happiness in your life the fact that i've adhered to that and been brazen whatever you wanna say have the balls the chutzpah the cojones to go ahead and follow my passions and you know and i guess people call them sometimes strong decisions usually decisions that are easy when you where you remain unscathed usually don't yield joy that's just murphy's law that's just the way it is sure bye,0 +412, yes okay originally from texas oh few weeks ago uh well i've been living in um palm springs actually so uh l_a there's a lot more to do and uh weather's a lot better uh for work yes uh the weather the beach a lot of activities things to do mm traffic and the uh rental is higher a lot higher here uh at at first it was a little difficult but then i adapted uh just in the united states uh new experiences uh learn a lot of things uh yeah one time i went uh yosemite and up through san francisco uh i really enjoy the beautiful scenery uh probably when i uh last year i i uh met a girlfriend up in uh san francisco and drove down highway one and uh saw a lot of uh sights hearst castle things like that uh computer science uh well i went to school back in the eighties and uh computers were uh kind of a new new up and coming thing so decided to to do that little bit not too much uh probably um i think to have like a little uh little magazine uh well i've started already started it it's like a small uh local magazine that has uh coupons and uh going to expand it to different uh parts of california probably shy um mm well let's see not uh i guess not as outgoing as many of my friends um actually i uh go dancing i like dancing it's relaxing to me uh uh uh i do latin dancing so i do it several times a week so last weekend i went very good um i i think i argued with someone a couple of weeks back it was about a religion religious issue um felt okay mm um see can't think of one right now let's see maybe uh when i was doing one of my real estate sales um i was um sometimes the clients are pretty uh pretty difficult and i think i should've been like a little more uh assertive with them mm probably uh moving to california well i was uh leaving my friends and family in texas and um just pretty much starting a new life out in california out here uh well it was it was pretty difficult but you know i got adjusted well um i have only an aunt and a few cousins left so uh it's it's not too much a relationship i have a a a great a uh an aunt that's the sister of my mom and uh you know i send her texts periodically but uh most of the time i really don't have much uh contact with family um probably parents both of them were very supportive mm probably when the parents were sick and passed away no uh well i both parents were um uh got sick and uh got dementia and uh it's you know one parent didn't remember who i was so it was uh that part was pretty difficult well they they passed away so it's just uh it's been about ten years so it's uh just um it's just memories now mm not too easy uh it's just tossing and turning i think all night and uh probably thinking thinking too much about things uh probably like the future things like the economy and uh my work things like that uh tired tired mm just uh not as positive no no mm probably uh few weeks ago i received a pretty good uh real estate commission so i was happy about that uh when i'm in l_a um going to some of the meet up groups or some some of the uh i like going to whole foods and and trying some new uh places to go salsa dancing no mm probably to be more uh outgoing mm probably be more successful in uh business and be a little more uh uh outgoing mm probably my boss uh he's pretty uh condescending and um really likes to belittle people and uh put him uh put himself as the king so he he has says a lot of comments to make himself build himself up and uh belittle whoever whoever else is in the room uh it's well usually when you go in uh he likes to brag on how much money he's made in the business and uh then say things like uh see see how much better i am than you are uh you've look how much money i've made this year and and you're the worst piece of shit agent there is things like that mhm um probably uh i have integrity and a good heart hardworking honest um probably i just went i guess uh some of the times i've gone dancing uh i went to a casino uh in a little town called temecula i met a lot of new friends and uh it uh dancing and meeting friends new friends um probably it was about it uh education i guess my education and uh able to uh move move out here where i wanted to go thank you bye,1 +413, yes i'm doing okay i'm from greenwich connecticut yes um i moved here in two thousand eight so about five years ago um i try to go back at least once a year sometimes i go more sometimes less um overall i think i like where i'm from better than l_a in general um i think that other than it being somewhere i'm familiar with the type of people that are there are just more my type and what i'm used to and it's less superficial um i moved out here for college after i graduated high school and my mom and sister live in california um initially it was easy because i felt like it was a new experience so you kind of adapt and just are experiencing everything at once but then after the first few years when it really sets in how different it is and what life is out here it became more difficult than originally uh fine arts and photography um i was interested in photography since high school um i did a lot of programs and got awards and things like that and publishments so i decided to pursue art um yes i have a fine arts degree that i got last year and scrubbed_entry yeah i really enjoy working or interning in forensics um i like that better than initially what i wanted to do was freelance photography i feel like it's a more secure job and it's very interesting um that's a interesting question i guess just my childhood in general growing up um well my family's very close um my extended family as well and they all live
  • most of them live within the area or in the east coast in general so we would always do large family uh parties and things for holidays and religious purposes and things like that yeah it is really fun and we try and all get together as much as possible which is more difficult now since everyone is spread out amongst different states and countries um i consider myself more shy um i watch reality television i think it's kind of funny and lighthearted um i watch like bravo t_v like the real housewives shows and just like funny things that you don't really need to pay attention to um i'm good i guess i don't really have like a temper if i'm having if i'm more stressed out it it definitely shows in in my attitude it but i don't really have like anger um well me and my boyfriend like bicker all the time just like about like insignificant things but other than that um i had an argument with my dad a few days ago um there's been like some tension going on since i went and visited over the holidays this past winter things about his girlfriend and he thinks that i should be the one to make some kind of effort to have a relationship with her although he doesn't for whatever reason think that it should go both ways so for like the thirtieth time he we were on the phone and he was telling me how i need to call her and speak to her and i told him that i was going to do it over this past weekend 'cause of the jewish holidays and he kind of was just like very mature and telling me oh forget it she doesn't want to hear from you now and kind of just like i could care less because i i don't care about having a relationship with her so if she doesn't wanna hear from me you know it's easier for me um i mean every time i mean it's been the same recurring argument a lot and i wish that i could sometimes i do but i wish that the times that it turns into an explosive fight that i could just bite my tongue but the thing is is that he says certain things that are untrue or things he knows that like will tick me off that are really nasty and that he shouldn't be saying to me so he so i kind of just like lose it and i can't really mm like not say anything um well i guess the hardest decision i made which i it didn't i only realized that it's the hardest decision like looking back is once you decide where to after you graduate high school where to go to college because for me i basically changed my entire life and moved away and did all that on my own so it didn't seem like that hard of a decision at the time it felt like just like a progression of the next step but looking back now that's probably one of the hardest decisions i made um well i wish i could erase the event or seeing my grandmother's funeral which obviously it wouldn't change anything but it wasn't seeing her there was not something i'd wanna like have in my memory um she was she was a very positive influence and always was not judgmental um and now i mean my parents are great role models just in general i mean they're very successful people so whether or not we have like disagreements or that we're separate people they kind of are good role models in terms of what you wanna have when you are older um usually it's easy the problem is staying alseep no matter how late i go to bed whether it's ten p_m or four a_m i will be up like clockwork by seven thirty or eight o'clock in the morning the latest every single day and i can't seem to figure out why i cannot stay asleep longer no i just in the morning i guess i'm a lighter sleeper but i just wake up like i just cannot stay asleep anymore which never used to be a problem this consistent but now it's i cannot remember the last time i slept past eight thirty in the morning i mean it just makes if i have to do stuff during the day it makes it a lot more tiring but it doesn't really i'm so used to it now it doesn't really change my mood it's just part of everyday um i don't know i kind of just feel very mm like so so just no extreme highs no extreme lows it's kind of one note land i mean nothing like lately um like recently it's just i would say over a period of years i've kind of progressively become more seclusive and just reserved and not very outgoing no no i have been diagnosed with anxiety um i had some breathing problems for a day or two and i had to go to the hospital um 'cause i thought it was more serious 'cause i couldn't breathe but they said that it was a physical manifestation of my anxiety i think in the right setting and with the person who's doing it if they're open minded and the therapist is helpful and good at what they're doing then yeah no i haven't been to therapy since i was a kid um i went because my parents thought it would be a good idea to like deal with whatever issues they were having with me but it was never i mean we just sat around and talked about my day it wasn't i didn't feel like i needed therapy at the time so i didn't really get much out of it well i was happy when i was back home at my boyfriend's house with his family over the new year's holiday when i'm there i can always just we save up our money so it's a complete vacation i don't have to worry about paying bills i don't have to worry about what i have to do tomorrow who i have to deal with i just every morning we wake up we hang out just enjoy the day in general um i regret the college i chose to go to i didn't being from the east coast the whole collegiate system is set up a lot differently and the universities out there are not the same as the tight knit california school system out here so when i was researching colleges i kind of thought that santa monica college was just a general college just like boston college back home or you know any other school with the name college at the end of it i didn't realize until you know the end of my first year even that it was more like a transfer school like you you can't i didn't even realize you couldn't get a bachelor's degree from there when i went so it kind of create created more problems for me well considering i'm twenty two i'd probably say ten years ago i would give myself the advice to probably stay closer to home and to have really pursued other options rather than just be completely invested in moving to california um my best friend would describe me as a great charismatic funny outgoing socially enjoyable person which is different than how people who aren't my good friends would describe me which i mean i don't i mean it is what it is i am very outgoing and and have a great time when i'm with my friends in my element but around strangers and in like uncomfortable groups and things i just i am very shy and don't really speak much um recently my friend was visiting and we went to a clippers basketball game a few weeks ago and i really enjoyed that yeah um i'm very caring i i'm a very good judge of character which i mean i guess i mean i consider it to be a quality quality for myself um i'm very affectionate i mean i'm not very affectionate i'm more i mean i guess i guess so thanks,1 +414, yeah i'm okay burbank california yeah the weather of course i think everyone likes the weather um it's not too city like chicago or new york it's um it's big enough we have beaches we're not land locked woo sometimes the smog the traffic the fact that i've just been here like my entire life almost not enough as i'd like to i go to school in chicago and i've been to new york a couple times san francisco and i took a road trip across the country that was cool i saw a couple states seeing new places um going to landmarks that i've only read about or seen pictures of um i traveled from los angeles to chicago taking route sixty six and the best part was seeing the grand canyon for the first time it was the coolest thing i've ever seen probably happy and then just happy it was it was beautiful it was nice i haven't felt like that in a long time i was studying film it's just something i've always loved for as long as i can remember and when it came time to start applying to schools i wasn't sure what i wanted to do and um i applied to northwestern as a film student and it just ended up being the right decision ooh um i love making movies but part of me really loves making people laugh and being in front of the camera so uh comedian a comedic comedic actor would be totally great but that's hard i am super outgoing and i love talking to people a lot i like i like being the center of attention usually i um i like to watch mindless television like um toddlers in tiaras and um duck dynasty just t_v programs where i really don't have to pay attention at all i'm okay at it i get really emotional really fast but i am usually able to to keep my anger down and not like lash out at others and stuff for the most part sometimes i get into like arguments and fights with my friends and people who are important to me really easily and i hate apologizing to people so the fights could last pretty long um my best friend ryan i think and it was about our relationship and just how we kind of messed it up and crossed some lines and uh where how were gonna go back to the way it was before really hard it's um he's my best friend and i miss him but we messed up and it's just it's not the same it's like not the same friendship me too too many um i guess scrubbed_entry when i had a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend which was not okay i wish i would've just realized that this was bad and just would've stopped there and not have let it continue for weeks which led to my break up and then our friendship being really messed up i guess not spend as much time with him as i did be more assertive um i guess it was in november i was very depressed and suicidal so i told my friend what i was feeling and that she needed to take me to the e_r and from the e_r i had the choice to i don't know i guess go home or get sent to a mental hospital and even though i felt like i didn't have a choice i knew it was my choice and i decided to go to the mental hospital which was like the worst experience of my life ever um it was awful it was in chicago and um it was scary i mean i didn't know anyone and they just like take all your stuff and they put you in some scrubs and they just start giving you medication and you're basically left to your own devices there were only like three group therapy sessions a day and everyone there was mostly men and um they were all really old and it was scary i didn't know anyone everyone most of the people there weren't depressed they were violent so that was pretty scary and i just um it was really hard for me i had been so depressed for like a month i stopped going to my classes and work and i told my teachers lies about being sick and i just kept calling in sick to work i dropped a class and i was failing my classes and not turning in any work and i wasn't talking to any of my friends and i was drinking a lot and passing out and vomiting everywhere and i was just in a really bad place and when i finally was gonna kill myself i realized i needed help it was um i had severe depression when i was a younger teenager and i tried to kill myself then and i um got put in therapy for quite some time so i figured i don't want to go down that bad path again i just wanna get better so i had to do it i had to get help i do i go once a week i feel like if you have the right therapist it's really useful i had one therapist that i really liked and i thought we could've gone really far but sadly she's back in chicago and i'm in los angeles so i have to i have to make do with this new therapist and she's okay she's not we're not that great together but she's who i had right now it's better than nothing not that easy at all um ever since i got out of the hospital and start and i began medication for my depression i um just haven't been able to sleep well falling asleep is hard staying asleep is hard have really crazy vivid dreams that wake me up and are disturbing um i guess just sometimes they reflect things that i'm worried about or happening in my life but they're just they're scary and they seem so real that sometimes i wake up and i have to ask my mom like did we go here did we do this did this really happen and it's usually no you dreamed that sometimes i've gotten so scared i like talk in my sleep and wake myself up probably like two nights ago that is a hard question i think in november after i got out of the hospital i finally had one good day and my friend took me into downtown chicago and we went to the sears tower and got to look over those like big windows that you walk out on and see the city and that was really cool um probably super outgoing likes to be the center of attention funny and a little bit crazy i try not to regret things in my life oh um i would say that living is worth it and just don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it don't wait until it gets really bad um i guess my ideal weekend would be sleeping in and then catching a movie with my friends maybe going home with them and bake some cookies eat all the cookies watch some t_v have a sleep over and then like make pancakes in the morning and watch more movies we watch a lot of movies i would like to do that in my free time go for a walk i don't know go to the beach um that is a hard question i mean i think i've done a lot of great things in my life and um i have achieved a lot but i think one of the proudest things proudest moments in my life is something really small and insignificant i was doing this exercise boot camp and the last person to like cross the finish line had to do like thirty push ups and it was some guy i didn't really know him at all and the trainer said does anyone wanna help him if someone helps him you have to do half each and no one wanted to help him and i just decided to start doing push ups with him and i just it wasn't 'cause i wanted to get credit or because i thought it would make me look good i just did it and no one really knows about that but it just i feel really good about that it was nice it meet you bye,1 +415, yes i'm good michigan two years ago um every three months it's more homey and country than fast-paced and stuff uh the i work in the entertainment business so i had to be out here it was pretty easy because i lived in new york first and if you can survive new york you can survive l_a the weather of course beaches uh the people are much ruder and mean than what i'm used to but i like l_a uh graphic design media arts um in high school i was ahead in all my classes and credits so i had to take a college course so while in high school i got a two year college degree doing it 'cause i was good at it yeah yeah but now i wanna go into something else um i'm in school actually i take online classes now for business management i um a really one day i wanna own me and my sisters wanna own our own uh rental properties and like uh real estate company we own six houses now we bought with our college money and now we wanna eventually one day own our own homes and apartment complexes yeah meeting new people seeing different things that you've never seen before um different languages everything just seeing what the world has to offer oh okay um me and my sisters went to hawaii last year um i believe we went to hawaii honolulu and to then hmm maui yeah and we met the people in hawaii and they were so nice if i could live there i would um everything was memorable but probably jet-skiing in honolulu was very fun yeah outgoing music music is much therapy for me um well my family is very musically inclined like my dad and my mom's family so music has always been like that thing no matter how i feel if i put music on it makes it much better i'm pretty good i used to box so it let out a lot of frustration so sometimes i do that too i go to the gym and i do like a kickboxing class but i don't i never escalated to the point where i like blurt out or no i can control it pretty much well i live with my sisters so i argue every day but it was over clothes my sisters and clothes always clothes um my mother my father are pastors of a church i grew up with two sisters and a older brother who was a cop and we're pretty close i have a nephew we're pretty close like every day we see each other close and we don't all live in the same house but we're together every single day at some point when we lived in a when we lived in michigan my family eh is in michigan um when i cheat like right now i'm on a diet with my sisters but last night i snuck and got mcdonalds so i feel bad because they've been so sticking to it and i cheated but that's pretty much um hmm mm me and my when me and my a friend of mine got into it and we said things that weren't like we hit below the belt and we and we usually don't and we haven't spoken in like three months now and i know that it could've been prevented if we would've just sat down and talked to each other but it didn't make it that far so yeah um probably moving here moving to l_a because like i'm i'm really like close we're really close with our family like i skype with my mom and dad every day so it was hard to go from there to here and them taking care of everything to me and my sisters having to do it on our own it was much it was different oh my goodness uh my parents my brother my dad my mom my sisters my family i have a great family so my family definitely um i wanna say two years ago three years ago my brother was shot on duty and he almost lost his life but he didn't and for some reason as much as i try i don't tell them this 'cause i don't want them to be like i need to you know whatever i always think about it over and over again and i'll cry about it like it happened yesterday but it happened three years just the mere fact of almost losing him kinda yeah not easy i work as a personal assistant and administrative assistant for a casting agent so i'm on call for her whenever so i'm never i never get a good night's sleep ever i know um a zombie i'm pretty much you would never know 'cause when it's work i i'm professional so if i am tired they'd never know but i'm very annoyed and very grouchy when i haven't slept um tired and i have crazy headaches but that's probably from not getting enough sleep and working too much but yeah very tired yeah definitely um i'm shorter with people like being in the industry i mean people don't really care it's all about self and when i first came here i had the i had the personality and attitude of family and love and nice and being here showed me that everybody's kinda out for self here even the like the other girls i work with so i've learned to like cut people off and be short with people when that's not really me but i just see that's how you have to be no no um last saturday i did a weigh-in and i lost seven pounds i was like excited so that was the last time um care too much uh i think about others more than myself so she'd probably say i care too much i'm loving i'm the person that every friend i have confide in from best friend to just regular friend so yeah i'm the mom of my friends um no not no i don't regret anything hmm never take no for an answer um i wish i could well i don't know personally i wanna lose like twenty more pounds but uh just i don't know be a little more adventurous little more adventurous um i don't think i've had a time baby feel bad no i can't no i don't think i have one it i'm sorry i don't think i have one oh um well me and my sisters has just started with yoga and we already do the beach like every friday but yoga is like our new addiction so we do yoga and we probably go to like a spa or something that's an ideal yeah um my my job my career because i've gotten a pretty long way at twenty three the job i hold so i'm pretty pretty proud of that you're welcome bye,0 +416, sure i'm doing good how are you chicago yeah about twenty five years ago yeah it's been a while actually i haven't been back i like l_a i like l_a mm it's a big city so it's kinda similar but the weather is not the same so gotta love l_a for the weather family i was a child it took a little adjustment but not hard um the weather um i can't think of anything right off the bat but i sure wouldn't wanna leave so my family is here so that's another reason why i wouldn't wanna leave traffic not really but i've traveled traveled a little bit yeah seeing new places different people the way they live their lives um i went to monterey california earlier last or the middle of last year that was very nice um it's a good question i'm not really sure uh there's probably i can't think of anything right off the bat which makes me think uh it's kinda weird but astronomy yeah it was i don't know just kinda fell into it took a course liked it and then took some more and kinda just went down that path no there's not much job opportunities so it's kinda limited yeah it does um my dream job i would like to own a restaurant a nice a bar restaurant well i'd like to have something a little more upscale than most places you go to or at least in the area that i live in most places don't seem very kind of just seem like a dive bar just kind of worn out run down so something nice something different something creative something vibrant something for you know attracts a crowd but it's probably costly so i don't know if it's really plausible i'm definitely more shy but i can be outgoing when i'm comfortable with people but initially i'm pretty shy good idea um a lot of times i try to just lay back and you know do some deep breathing just kind of clear your mind or maybe just watch a movie listening to music is good reading a book kinda just takes your mind away relax i've gotten much better at it i used to have problems with that when i was younger but i'm i'm good i'm good with that now learned that you shouldn't react immediately to situations you should you know think before you speak that type of thing um my ex girlfriend when we broke up about three months ago um we're relationship just wasn't doing very well so it just kind of was going down a predictable path and we just were arguing over the same old stuff and wasn't really it wasn't a memorable argument but it was it was an argument so that's all i can think of and i haven't really seen her since so i don't know that's what it is nothing special just a typical argument between two people who had grown separate frustrated like yeah i guess everybody kinda sees things in their own way and you know my way and my perspective is right and i'm sure her way was right too so trying to convince somebody that you know of your ideas or what you're thinking is more difficult than it is because everybody's kinda looking out for themselves but yeah mm that's a good example right there with the my girlfriend i didn't have to i could've reacted a little differently and not shown so much emotion um there's been times in my life where i've gotten into arguments with friends or something like that where you know or previous relationships where i probably shouldn't have reacted the way i did you know not that i did anything bad but just more of uh you know be more mature about it and not you know reveal your emotions so much or that type of thing um leaving my first girlfriend to go to school when i was eighteen this was a long time ago i went to school in san diego and i immediately wanted to come back so i kind of ruined our relationship and we're still friends and i wish i didn't do that mm i feel like i can contribute more to my family and my friends i i think i could do better i i think i sell myself short so employment opportunities are hard to come by but if i could find a good job i'd be a lot more happy because i could provide for myself and others so not be so much of a burden to people around me yeah real difficult it's good it's very good we're pretty open with each other and i see my mom and dad and my sister quite often so it's a good relationship i mean we we get along well could be i mean it's not it's not perfect but it's good pretty easy i'm a good sleeper um probably irritable there's it's harder to do tasks it's kind of like you feel like you're being strange or something because you don't have as much energy and good relatively well spring time always makes everybody feel well no not at all never um really really i mean we all feel happy every day at some point but really happy it's probably been a while um probably like superbowl sunday i was with all my friends we were having a good time so it's been probably like a month and a half or something when i was really really happy i wish i was more i guess stuck to my goals and i wish i had better drive to succeed i don't know i usually settle for less so i don't know i i guess that's the calm demeanor part of me that's good and bad don't really matter i kinda live in the moment and then you kinda realize that five ten years have gone by and you should've done something um i'm just gonna stick to that argument with my girlfriend three months ago she made me feel pretty bad um i i don't know uh when i was when i was in high school i got into an argument with a friend and i drove my car too fast and it was an area that i didn't know and i hit a turn that i didn't know was coming and i crashed my car so i wish i didn't do that but that's a long time ago so it's not a big deal now stupid immature um my parents some of my close friends i have i have a good group of three or four friends that've been positive influences yeah mm a caring guy nice person good heart a little a little unmotivated needs to improve on certain aspects of his life to make himself better and uh passionate i guess passionate in a good and bad way well i care a lot and at the same time sometimes it gets the best of me mm sometimes you feel like you know you're doing more for your friends or somebody like that you're doing more than they deserve and you're not it's not being reciprocated so that's an example yeah probably but i can't think of anything off the top of my head um focus more on school because while you're young you have the ability to multitask and scrubbed_entry mm i don't know really enjoyed i mean i do things everyday that i enjoy but really enjoyed i don't i don't know um i i i cleaned up a bunch of stuff from my room so it was nice to shed some old garbage so that that was alright but i don't know if i really enjoyed that but i felt content after it mm not much it's i mean it's kinda sad i don't know uh i think i could do better i feel like i'm an underachiever so not much i don't know i'm very detail oriented organized i like to finish tasks um i care a lot you know i'm very caring um i have good intentions in mind i don't like to wrong people i don't like to lie because once you lie one lie leads to another so i don't like that but yeah that's that's about it cool right on have a good day,0 +417, yes i'm okay uh los angeles um i don't know um it's kinda dirty but that's to be expected from a big city um my the last class that i took was a sociology class um i'm not i'm not really sure where i'm going with school but i'm thinking about sex education i think that it's a really important job um uh i feel like uh because there's kind of uh stigma i guess about talking about sex it leads to like a lot of unsafe sex and a lot of unplanned pregnancies so i feel like it's a very important job for the world i don't know no um lack of funds um it depends on the people but i'd say that uh generally i'm more shy uh of course with people who i know well like they're closer to me i i'm more outgoing um play with my dogs uh i don't know uh if it's a nice day i'll go for a walk um if it's not a nice day then or if it's cold out or something then uh maybe watch a show on t_v i like or read a book or something i'd say i'm pretty good at controlling my temper um i can't remember i think the last person i argued with was my boyfriend probably last week but i don't even remember what it was about um i don't think i really feel guilty about anything i'd say that i regret things but i think there's a difference between guilt and regret um like i think guilt is more just like feeling bad but regret is like um feeling like you should've made a different decision and i think that can help you in to make better decisions in the future whereas guilt you just feel bad for no reason and it's useless um i regret not doing better uh when i was in high school um uh i mean not getting better grades um i regret uh like getting involved with certain people in the past but i mean i don't i'm not sure that's about it that i can think of right now hm um uh yeah i mean i mean in the past uh yeah i could've made different decisions i mean obviously some things you know you aren't entirely in your control but i'm not going to feel i'm not going to regret things that i had no power over so um i'm not sure if i would want to erase it from my memory but i wish that it didn't happen to me uh was uh the time that i was raped i can't really think of any hard decisions um hm i can't think of any hm i'm not sure i can't think of any uh i have a pretty good relationship with my family um uh not i wouldn't say that i'm really close with my mother but i mean we get along well and i'm very close with my sister we're basically best friends um hm i think that my mother has been a positive influence in my life uh because she was always able to provide for me and she always she didn't i mean she made like mistakes sometimes but i think that she was always there for me when i needed it and um she just did her best to raise me so i think she was a big positive influence uh it's been easy lately uh sometimes i have trouble sleeping but uh lately i have had no problems um it depends how long i've gone without sleep i can just be anywhere from like groggy to like um really on edge and like um extremely tired i don't know um i have been feeling pretty good i uh i have like general anxiety kind of all the time but it's not as bad as it has been in the past so been feeling mostly pretty good um i think that i've actually been feeling happier lately i wouldn't say that i'm like really happy all the time i mostly just kind of like um neutral but i have been feeling more positive lately i'm actually not sure if i've been diagnosed with p_t_s_d um uh i know that i i've been seeing uh psychologist psychologists for like since i was sixteen um for depression and uh i think my first psychologist who i saw for a few years thought that i had p_t_s_d but i'm not sure if she ever made a diagnosis um i'm not sure uh i'm i don't know yes um it's helpful to uh talk someone and have them kind of um guide you in talking about something so that you can figure thing the figure out your feelings about things sort of i guess for yourself or like why it it helps to talk with somebody because you can figure out why you're feeling a certain way about something i mean i think sometimes you can do that on your own but uh talking to somebody helps i think um hm i'm not sure um i'm not sure um i'm not sure uh i think i would spend it mostly at home um but it would be sunny out and i would go outside a little bit and i'd play with my dogs and uh i'd probably have my boyfriend over um i'd eat food that i like like only food that i like like my favorite foods um watch movie or t_v show that i like um just kind of have like a relaxing time but that's nice mm i would tell myself to uh to uh to do better in school because throughout high school i was kind of an underachiever and i ended up going to community college like on and off because i would like sort of lose interest and then uh not do well or as well as i could have so i would tell myself to do as well as i could in school because i feel like i am capable of a lot more than i do and i think i could easily have gotten a scholarship a scholarship if i had done well in high school so i would just tell myself to do good in school probably warn myself about one or two people that turned out to be not worth my time um hm um i think i am proud of myself for not being um bitter and for wanting to uh well i am kind of bitter i guess but i guess i'm proud of myself for not being selfish and wanting to um make the world a better place like 'cause a lot of bad things have happened to me and i try to instead instead of dwell on them i try to um or i want to be able to make things better for other people and as much as i wanna help i guess um empower people to make their lives better bye,1 +418, yes i'm okay i was born in mississippi um when i was two and a half years old but actually it wasn't l_a it was santa monica yes never i was only two and a half years old i don't remember anything oh i like the beach i love all the restaurants um um the music scene just the general excitement oh and the parks and all that yeah um the traffic the um the maintenance on the streets all the pot holes um um the pollution well i studied a number of things at school um i studied um um at one point i was i i had majored in public relations journalism specialization in journalism and i also studied um i was a pre law major and so i studied the law and then i also studied um um human um human services courses mhm um mainly because i'm a people person and i enjoy helping people wow my dream job hm mm my dream job hm i don't really have one right now no i don't and i can't even see your shoes um um listen to music watch horror movies i love i love horror flicks um and i have a fish tank too so i like to watch my fish also like to play tennis when i can i haven't been able to play lately though because of physical problems um mm it's just that um i had injured uh my my my ankle because i have anemia and um and i got dizzy one night and i fell on my ankle and on my leg and so i'm just waiting for that to really heal but i'm planning to get back um into tennis it's one of the things i enjoy doing it really relaxes me i really don't have a temper over the years i've learned how to do how to control that probably would've been yesterday but there was no argument and what was it about nothing that i can recall something i feel guilty about hm there's nothing right now that i feel guilty about mm oh a situation that i wish i had handled differently i really can't think of one right now the hardest decision oh um the absolute hardest decision that i ever had to make um was when my uh i had twins twin twin twin boys they're grown now i had twins twin teen teenagers and um i had lost my job and we were living in a motel and the rent for the motel was outrageous i couldn't no longer continue to pay the um pay the type the type of money that they wanted so i had to briefly um um put my son under the in in foster care for for for a minute that was the hardest decision that i had to make scrubbed_entry um a schizophrenic and he had had um he was born with auditory processing deficit which he overcame through training with a speech therapist and and school officials and he also this is he also lost his hearing when he was four years old um but and then when he turned fourteen the schizophrenia came up um so right now he he's in a supportive living environment he's twenty seven years old um but he he he's come to terms with his mental illness and he accepts it now i had problems in the past 'cause he didn't wanna take the medication you'd give him the medication and he'd hide it stick it in his pocket or whatever so but he's come to terms with that and we've all have come to terms with that and he's doing he's doing pretty good scrubbed_entry um that son he's twenty he's twenty seven as i said 'cause he's a twin um um was living in texas with his wife and um he got a promotion to um scrubbed_entry now he's in california too both are in california okay so um i feel very good about that yeah uh hm well of grown children yes of grown children yes no no no no no no no no i take that back not it's not hard to be a parent of grown of my grown children okay when they were younger there were difficult times okay difficult periods and um just it was a lot of good times too but yeah it was there were some difficult times mm well the mm the difficult times i really pretty much already alluded to and that was when um one of my twins got the diagnosis of schizophrenic and um and um they were in temporarily and in in well one was in foster care and one was actually um in a institution 'cause of the um the um schizophrenia um so think i lost track of the question the hardest thing about being a parent at this point at this at this point in my life there is is nothing hard about it um the best thing about being a parent i don't know i guess it's just to see something that you created um develop into a you know pretty decent human being you know a decent person that's the best thing oh a lot of ways um well actually i didn't have two parents i had a mother and the father was never in my father was never in the home and he lived in another state so i had no contact with him um but the thing that i do differently than what my mother did um she was a strong disciplinarian um both verbally and physically um and she at she had this tendency which she outgrew she had this tendency to be very critical okay critical and um um opinionated and very religious um and sort of sort of looked at people who were not and that was me um as if they were living life wrong because they were not going to church or reading the bible and that kind of thing what was the other part of the question i i i don't get a good night's sleep or i don't sleep at all unless i take medication and that's that that's all there is to it if i don't take medication i don't sleep i'll be up all night i'll i will be up for days if i don't take medication man irritable um and tired well well lately you know just a little anxious really um you know um i just recently um made a move to a new apartment it's a lot of expenses and new expenses and things like that you know and new furniture and new this and that that you have to get which um i've i managed to do all of that but um the whole thing was kind of stressful yes mhm no not p_t_s_d yes um that was back in i think two thousand and four um because um my life had gotten so stressful to the point where it was either i had to do something or or end something to tell you the truth yeah um yes mhm yeah i think it's useful um you know as a good sounding board you know someone to throw you know your concerns out and you know discuss things that may be bothering you or good things too yeah i think therapy with medication um since i've been going to therapy um the changes a lot of changes um i've been more focused more hopeful um hm it it's just been a good experience for me which is why i continue to go really happy well i can feel really happy um by some occurrence i can't think of anything right now just like that and then i go back to how i was feeling so i can't really pinpoint anything really i mean eh eh i mean if something comes to me unexpectedly or if things go right for a change and continue to go right as opposed to things going wrong all the time that that makes me happy when things go right how about that hm mm something i did recently that i really something i did recently that i really enjoyed mean really really enjoyed recently hm i can't think of anything i don't have a best friend um my best qualities are that i'm a honest person i genuinely give people the benefit of the doubt um everyone in my book is as they appear to be until they prove prove it differently um i'm very generous overly generous um and i'm very i like to help other people i mean help you know i'm on a personal level help people you know with anything whatever their problem is it gives me pleasure to do something for somebody else that's helping them out mhm anything i regret how so there's only one thing i regret and that is that um after my twins became um became old enough to um start going to um school the elementary school level um i was taking some courses um as a pre law major and um at that time i was married to their father who who turned out not to be a good fit for me and because of the stresses involved with him you know knowing that that was gonna end and i was gonna leave him um i dropped out of college so that was my biggest regret hm stay in school no matter what stay the course no matter what that i'm a good person i'm a good human being that's all okay goodbye,1 +419, yes i'm good thank you um i was born in mexico city yes um about thirty four years ago yeah um i try to go back once a year but i haven't been in about three years um i haven't had the time and i've traveled to other places but i'm planning on going back probably next year um well i can't ever see myself moving back to mexico city it's a huge huge city and i like l_a more there's more opportunities and i just feel at home here my family moved here um i like i said i was very young and my parents moved um to california to work and then we just stayed here um i love traveling i have not traveled as much as i would like to um but i do love to travel um just seeing new things meeting people from other countries just um feeling relaxed and having no worries because you're on vacation um i just love being in other places um the last trip i took was a seven day cruise and it went to saint thomas barbados saint lucia um saint martin and it was amazing i would love to do that trip again um i think going to mexico the last time i was there i went to the pyramids teotihuacan and i had not been there in many years and it just was amazing to see the pyramids and i can't even imagine how they were able to build such great um structures uh i consider myself more shy um in social situations i kind of feel uncomfortable um i'm not one to just go up to people and start conversations um if people come up to me of course i'll talk to them but i feel slightly awkward just kind of out of place at a party um i actually studied history um i've always been interested in history and i just wanted to learn about histories from other cultures and of course u_s history so i'm very into uh history um i'm actually working in uh the education field my dream job would actually be um traveling around the world and having a show on like the travel channel that would be my dream job because i would get paid to travel and it's something i enjoy to do doing um so i would love to do that as a job um i love reading and i love taking baths so to relax i like to take a bath and i read while i'm in the bath and um i also like going to the gym that helps me uh deal with stress and it actually relaxes me even though i'm exercising um i used to be not very good at controlling it when i was a kid i would get mad um very easily and sometimes as an adult i still get angry easily but i've gotten a lot better at trying to think about things first before saying them and not having outbursts things like that um the last time i argued with somebody was probably about a week ago it was um my best friend and she actually she has kids i don't and for some reason she thought or thinks that i think i'm a better person than she is and because i went to school and she didn't and she's home with kids and you know i'm able to do more things um i don't think i've ever made her feel that i i and i definitely know i don't feel like i'm better than her but for some reason she accused me of that and we had an argument about it um well that situation i wish i had handled differently um because when she was talking to me she was very upset and i started off pretty calm just trying to reason with her and let her know that i certaintly didn't feel like i was better than her but towards the end of the conversation it just kinda turned into a yelling match between the two of us and i wish i had been able to just stay calm and maybe asked her to call me later once we calmed down instead of just continuing the argument um i was angry at first but once we hung up i felt really bad about the situation i felt that maybe i could've just let her let out all her feelings and then try to speak to her calmly um instead of yelling at her too oh wow um that's a tough one i think um gosh i think one of the toughest hardest decisions i've had to make is breaking up with a boyfriend of seven years um although i knew that it was the right thing to do i was kind of hanging on to the fact that we had been together for so many years and i kinda felt by ending the relationship um i would've wasted those last seven years of my life it was a pretty tough decision to make but i realized that it was the best decision for me at the time and i'm actually glad i did because then i went on to meet um my husband thank you um well about i would say maybe fifteen years ago i was hanging out with a couple of friends at a club and they met some guys and um they invited us back to their place and i really didn't wanna go because i didn't know these people and i mean i knew their names and that's about it but my friends really wanted to go and i wasn't the one driving so i decided to just go along with them and back at their house um one of the guys actually pulled me into a room and tried i i got scared i yelled he tried to choke me and i thought i was gonna die right right there i thought he was gonna kill me but luckily one of my friends knocked on the door because she heard me scream and we left so it could've been a worse situation but i still think about it and wish that i could erase it from my mind it was um we have a pretty good relationship i am close to i have a sister and a brother um my sister is two years younger and my brother is two years older and we get along pretty well um my sister and i used to be best friends but then we grew apart and then um now we're actually closer i think than ever and i have a pretty good relationship with my parents um my dad still treats me like i'm a little kid sometimes which annoys me but i think we have a pretty good solid relationship yeah um i usually wake up a few times throughout the night um so i think it's rare for me to sleep uh the whole night through ever um and i do feel a little like tired in the morning when i wake up it's hard i'm not a morning person definitely um so yeah it's kinda hard to get a good night's sleep um i don't know it i have a hard time falling asleep and then sometimes i have bad dreams or i need to get up to use the restroom um but yeah it i don't remember the last time i actually slept the whole night without waking up at least once um emotionally good um i'm actually on vacation right now from work so that's really nice um physically i feel good i haven't been to the gym in a while so that kinda makes me feel bad um 'cause i like working out um but health wise i'm good no no um it was last this past weekend i actually went out of town with my husband we didn't go very far we went to santa barbara but we really enjoyed ourselves um we went wine tasting and went to the beach and just had a really good time um she would probably describe me as a good caring person um patient very shy um she'd probably say too that i have a hard time saying no to people when they ask me for favors 'cause i'm always doing things for other people um so yeah that's how i think she would describe me i wish i was more outgoing um i wish that i what else definitely more outgoing um so i could have more friends i don't have a large group of friends because i am very shy um i also wish that i could have more patience than i do sometimes i'm very short of patience and um i wish i could find a better job so i could do more traveling um yes i actually took a really long time after high school to go back to school and get my degree and i really wish that i could've you know taken care of it a lot sooner than i did um and i also regret spending seven years of my life with my ex boyfriend um i would've told myself to stay focused on school that going out and hanging out and just you know and going to parties um was not as important as i thought it was and that my education should always come first um i'm proud that after so many years of not being in school i was able to go to u_c_l_a and get my degree um yeah that would be my proudest achievement okay thank you bye,0 +421, yes that's fine i'm okay how are you originally i'm from san francisco um originally i moved here in gosh nineteen ninety five then i went to chicago then to san francisco and then back to los angeles probably about five years ago a lotta moving never um there just isn't anything there for me anymore uh the weather is better in l_a but the people in san francisco are nicer my husband prefers my ex-husband prefers it here that's why we moved i have an undergraduate degree in psychology and uh after that i went to law school uh when i was in college i worked at a law firm and decided that i really wanted to be a lawyer it was really interesting no now i'm a stay-at-home mom scrubbed_entry no um i love it but it is it is difficult you have to manage a life to make sure that they become a good and successful person uh i it's easy to kinda do the academics and stuff like that you know i'm good at that the hardest thing i think is to guide them emotionally to help him through things that he's having a hard time with um feeling like i don't have all the answers um just seeing them grow and and experience new things and learn about life and the world it's just it's really really cool uh completely different um completely different i and i am not a perfect parent but i love my son i take care of him he's the first priority in my life and they weren't like that at all um well my parents are dead i didn't speak to my dad at all before he died um i have a sister and a brother that actually i don't know where they are i don't speak to them either um probably more shy because i consider myself more reserved um i like to listen to music i have i listen to all sorts of music but my favorite when i'm relaxing is uh eighties music cheesy cheesy but true um it depends on who i'm with if i'm with my son i can control my temper um if i'm with my ex-husband or other adults mm yeah yeah i don't so-so um yesterday and it was about my ex-husband dating the woman that he was cheating on when we were married um i found out he was cheating on me and i kicked him out and he told me yesterday that he's continuing to date her yeah um really angry and just really hurt um i wish that i had talked to my dad before he died i wish that i'd settled our differences before he had died the hardest decision i've ever had to make was actually ending my marriage because he was cheating on me um that would have to be well i don't know i mean i don't know if i'd want to erase anything from my memory because it makes me who i am today so i i can't really think of one event that i would want to erase uh i don't get a good night's sleep it's not easy i wake up a lot in the night i don't know i wish i knew if i knew i i could change it i could try to do something about it but i i just don't i don't know um grumpy irritable uh grumpy irritable um down mixed with anger it's just because of everything that i'm going through with my soon-to-be ex-husband yeah there's um i just keep it inside i mean there's nothing else to really do except i mean it is what it is so i have to deal with it no yes ten years ago after my son was born or nine years ago um i felt like i couldn't cope with life i was so down um i couldn't i felt like i couldn't do anything no i don't go to therapy i go to medication management but i don't i don't do talk therapy i have gone to therapists and no they don't help um well some just sit and stare at you and don't say anything um you know if i wanted to talk to myself i would others give advice that i think is just it just not not good and not on point um it was probably this morning i was playing with my son just really happy i wasn't thinking about any of the other crap um in my life i could just forget it so i was feeling really really happy ugh i think they would describe me completely different from the way i would describe me but um i think they would describe me as really sweet uh 'cause they have really sweet um confident uh outgoing because that's what i try to be to people so i think that's how they would describe me uh i wish i wasn't sad i wish i was more confident um yeah there are a lotta things i think uh it would be to not not give my life over to one particular person which is what i did with my husband i think i would spend my ideal weekend in a sunny place like palm springs with my son hanging around the pool having fun going out to dinner uh one of my two of my friends two really good girlfriends i think have been really positive influences in my life um scrubbed_entry she her life is worse than mine and uh but we can always commiserate together scrubbed_entry is just really positive i mean she's always happy always up always looking to the bright side so that has helped me a lot my son um i went over to a friend's house and we had movie night we watched a grown-up movie and had dinner and wine and the boys were in another room watching movies and playing video games and it was just a relaxed fun evening mhm sure bye,1 +422, hi sure alright uh originally originally i'm from uh korea mhm uh when i was a year old yes uh almost never i've i've been to korea once uh i love the weather and being by the ocean and the culture has a lotta things to do the food there's a lot to like um the traffic um it seems like we're having a lot of uh economic difficulties and the the parking tickets are super high i sometimes i'm really annoyed by our government by your shoes did you say by your shoes your shoes aren't showing um i have traveled a bit i'm i'm sort of traveled i haven't traveled in a little bit in a little while oh just it um it helps you keep things in perspective about our life here um it's exciting and it makes me feel like um i'm actually i'm really living 'cause sometimes we're stuck in this bubble here in l_a and seeing other places you realize that you know life is about a lotta different things that you don't think about every day well um one of my trips i went uh i went to singapore and then to thailand and it was when i was with my ex-boyfriend and we went to um he had he was uh uh a sales engineer or systems engineer but he he did well that year and so this was kind of like a a company thing so we went to singapore for a few days and that was really interesting um you know of course eh it's a lot different over there um not just like going to canada or something but they had a big reception the evening we got there and they had like a play put on by the principals of the company which was real fun and um after singapore uh we did some tours in singapore it was really it was a interesting experience it's really clean there and it's really there's not a lotta crime but the government is very it it's a little bit imposing but it was very interesting then we went to thailand and that was almost it was really completely different 'cause it's like jungle we went to um phuket it's a little island and it was just it was very primitive compared to singapore just in a lotta different ways but it was very interesting and it was nice and everything was really cheap had a massage on the beach for eight dollars it was interesting yeah yeah it was an hour for eight dollars mm well i'm in school right now and um i didn't i didn't finish school when i was younger because i had um i had health problems so um here i am i'm i'm just doing my general ed right now i'm going to s_m_c yeah i'm happy ooh well my dream job would be to be a veterinarian but uh it's probably not very realistic for me at this stage in life and you know also because of monetarily it costs a lot but that would be my dream job working with animals and and in in a veterinary capacity yeah i think i'm right on the cusp um it depends on the environment and the people i'm with and how comfortable i am but um i'm really outgoing when i feel comfortable with people and i'll be really reserved if i'm not yeah uh well i mean aside from sleeping um i like like relaxing things uh like going for a bike ride on the strand or um if i'm at home uh just like reading or a lotta times i can just lay there and my mind might be doing things but i'm kinda relaxing ah really good i don't have i would say there's certain things that um they can really like make me like when i see injustices or things like that then i mean i can really feel it but i never just like fly off the handle or throw things or uh even you know yell argued um i can't really say i have arguments i mean just like a disagreement or an actual argument like if we just well uh i would say last summer when um i think it was after a baseball game there was a group of us and we went uh to we went to have shabu shabu after the game and i don't know i think scrubbed_entry and i don't know it's it's it's kind of a tenuous friendship like mm she's a good friend in some ways and she's mm we're we're actually kinda distant in other ways so i i don't consider her um like someone that i would confide in and you know if any deep problems but um sometimes we just have she's very touchy and she doesn't have the same sense of humor i do so i think she had said some things to me during the night which mm kinda bothered me but mm you know i just kinda that's just how she is and then i guess i said some things that she felt were eh well she gets really offended easily i think but um after that we didn't talk for a while but then we then one day she called me up and then we were friends again but like she never she never confronted me hardest decision uh it was leaving my ex-boyfriend uh well it wasn't it was a long time coming i mean i was thinking about it for like five years um you know he wasn't like beating me or anything he was a really good guy but we just had a lot of um we we weren't always on the same wavelength and we did have a lot of like disagreements so i had thought about it and thought about it and we were already engaged but we had been together for a long time so i don't know uh i was always it was always on my mind like should i get married or should i not and then finally eh we were just always having um we were always what what's the word i'm looking for um we were just having these little snippy disagreements all the time and then one day we had one and i just decided that i was gonna leave and um i did it was really hard it was it was the hardest decision in my life and i can stay that definitively um and but i i think it was for the best hmm um probably leaving my job for well to help my friend start a business in nevada and when i when i i really liked my job i mean it was it was pretty good um it was right over at the beach and when i told them that i was leaving then they offered me this huge raise and they offered me a a different position which was awesome and that was really stressful for me because um i'd already promised my friend to leave i wouldn't have gotten the position you know offer if if it wasn't for her wanting me to come over there um it was really really stressful and i stressed over it for about three weeks until i actually left and um when i went over there like we had we had made agreements about how much they were gonna pay me and blah blah blah when i got there everything like she didn't remember telling me that i needed a certain amount and the other principals of the company were um you know the it was a hard situation 'cause she had she had talked with me but they hadn't talked with me and they're like well that's too much and also they were a different religion and it was very strange i mean they were all one religion i was i was surrounded by mormons and i i don't have anything against mormons but it was very different because eh eh i was kind of an outsider there and then also the weather was just it was absolutely awful there so i would say that's one decision it it's it just a a pivotal point in my life and i think that um i really wish i i had just stayed um well if you're gonna erase something from my memory then um i would probably say my memory like really if if i could erase something from my memory what would i want to erase is that what you're saying mm can't really think of anything i mean even like that that bad decision that i made you know it it has value in it so i can't really say that i would want something erased i mean maybe if i was like raped or something and it was really horrifying then i would but i don't well if you're talking about sleep being in a deep sleep i'm in a deep sleep a lot but i never feel rested and that's um it's a medical problem of mine well i always feel like i haven't slept for two days and um there are points in in the day i would say in some during some days there are points in the day where i really feel alert and alive and and rested but they're short-lived but i sleep a lot i sleep uh pretty crappy physically pretty crappy yeah well thanks no i haven't been officially diagnosed with depression but um that's that's usually what doctors um like my sleeping problem hasn't been diagnosed i'm i'm in the process of really working to get it diagnosed but um that's the first thing that they try and figure out they they've given me like depression drugs before but they haven't helped with my sleep but i do i do i would say i feel down sometimes well my life is very strange right now so there are a lot of reasons to feel down um i would say that i do feel down sometimes a lotta times but it's not i would say it's reasonable considering the situations that i'm in uh they're just triggered by the fact that my health is is not great and it makes it makes life really difficult but um i wouldn't say it's triggered by anything in particular oh there i mean you mean for a long period of time or i mean i i experience happiness like when i go out with friends or i go and you know i've find some great new dish i like i mean what type of happiness are you looking for um well i mean right now um my friend just had surgery and so i'm staying with her this week um i'm really enjoying it i mean even though we could never live together i could never live with live with her long term and i'm sure she couldn't live with me long term but i'm having fun and um you know she just she i i installed the groupon app on her ah on her phone um yesterday 'cause she's been paying too much for laser hair removal and so i installed it on her phone and then today she's she's looking up cupcakes so she had me pick up cupcakes on the way here to bring back to her uh as a groupon deal so i mean you know there's little fun things like that uh probably um o_c_d and um she probably thinks i'm pretty prissy compared to her um i think that she would say that i have a good heart um we're very different um and probably that i'm i should ask her uh i don't know we we go out so i think she'd say that i'm fun um but she has mentioned that i'm i'm a very private person and that i know i i knew before she said that why um i have well i told you i have i have a lotta problems right now and so i don't really tell people about them um it it's kind of a it's kind of a killjoy but also people can feel i feel that people can feel less comfortable if they perceive that you have a have difficulties and they feel kind of um it just uncomfortable like oh they maybe they should help or they feel guilty but they have good busy lives so just kinda creates a gap but i would say even before even before this difficult time in my life i've been i've been a private person i don't know why i think i think a lot eh you know i'm a deep thinker and maybe it's just you know not like i feels like i feel abnormal but um maybe i just have a lotta thoughts that don't seem doesn't seem appropriate to share with people or i'm not sure ten or twenty years ago um well one thing that i regret right now is um you know i haven't really found somebody you know to spend the rest of my life with so i would tell myself to concentrate more on that 'cause once you hit forty it's really it's it's a lot harder that's it um i would say that i've perservered i'm very proud that even though i have a lot of difficulties in my life the fact that i'm you know making this commitment to go to school and i'm doing it on my own and um you know it's it's kind of a if people if people knew all the problems that i have they'd be like well you know why are you worrying about school but um i really feel that you know i'm i'm doing this and and i'm really proud that even through everything um yeah i'm getting a's thanks mm k thanks bye,1 +423, yes i'm doing well los angeles the greater los angeles area people diversity and various entertainment and activities um fickle weather traffic and litter i have traveled domestically not internationally seeing other places and how people live and the culture the last trip that i went to was san diego but uh from childhood or as an adult um family vacations to um baja and rosarito beach yeah the reason why that memory comes to mind because um this weekend is easter and we usually will go down to easter easter spring break to rosarito baja um i have a bachelor's bachelor's in communication studies because it's a open field just doesn't deal with um communication interactively but performing arts telecommunications business entrepreneurship so no i'm not i'm actually unemployed um i think to own my business that's my dream my dream job to have my own company um i would like to open something in like the telecommunications area as a business something do online online services um i like to make things with my hands so my next venture would would be to create all natural soy candles something in that area um a mixture a mixture of shy and outgoing because i have to observe people and crowds and that's how i usually make a determination if i remain reserved or remain open i listen to like a meditation tape or i take a walk or go get a massage fair oh man uh probably yesterday or this morning um usually the argument is about me making myself clear or me repeating myself twice no it usually gets the other person in trouble mm i redeemed a service from a mechanic who fixed my transmission and i had a warranty and i wrote to the department of consumer affairs and the guy offered me a portion of the settlement agreement and i decided to take him to small claims court to get a bigger amount and i wish i would've have taken the offer that he gave me at the midst of dealing with the third party which was the department of consumer affairs and because of that i took him to small claims court and i end up losing the whole settlement and only been offered a very small portion so i wish i would've taken the higher road than taken the lower road i don't tend to feel guilty about too many things hardest decision uh i don't know financially emotionally mm emotionally letting go a past relationship it's the hardest thing that i i won't say the hardest thing but it was a difficult thing yes it was a relationship of seven years but um that person has already moved on so uh they want me to be in their life in hopes that if something goes wrong with my current relationship we'll always have something to fall back on uh yeah it is hard um an event something i could erase from my memory um i don't know there's a lot of events that i just automatically erase from my memory but whatever comes to mind right um probably the death of a relative um alone and misinformed because i didn't know that they were that sick and i didn't know that they were um their days were numbered and i could've had more opportunity to spend time with them and make better a better connection in the last days um it's fair to midland mm my immediate i'm very close but distant not very close my mother um yes uh she's encouraged me to continue my education to always fall back on my hobbies hopes goals and dreams she always encourages me to always stay aloof and out there looking for a better opportunity and she encourages me to not be afraid to explore other ventures easy easy i've been feeling well um yes a little stressed but i'm trying to manage that i leave the stressful environment um in the past about three years ago um because i was having issues in my learning environment and um i feeling i was feeling emotionally attacked yeah i was having uh a issue with a professor who was just very i don't know a a very different personality and he almost ran me down the crosswalk at school i felt i felt um like i was in a a dishonest environment i felt like i wanted to get you know switch his class and get into another class but i had no choice but to stay in there and deal with his meanness for the whole semester um i think through finding p_t_s_d they were trying to link depression no financially i'm not capable and i haven't found a counselor who is willing and committed to working with me and helping me with my issues i find that a lot of counselors they listen to me and then they laugh at me and then they tell me the opposite of what's what i'm telling them mhm mm last time i felt really happy i really don't know that's a good question um just just did what i want i just relaxed i just relaxed and i you know i don't know i don't have any best friends my best qualities that i'm uh hard working i'm reliable i'm a excellent friend um i'm energetic and i'm a go getter things that i wish i could change about myself probably be less sensitive don't take things so personally and um learn how to help myself before helping others no i don't have any regrets in my life um if i could've do things differently ten years ago i probably would've focused and studied more and less being out of the house and hanging with friends mm that i got have a a college education and i'm self sufficient and i can pay my bills by myself and i'm alive goodbye,0 +424, hi yes today is a wonderful day i am doing just absolutely marvelous i was born in cleveland ohio i was raised in tucson arizona and came to los angeles when i was sixteen years old yes mm uh i've only been back once since i left it's a whole another community when i was growing up i'm so glad i grew up there because it was a great sense of community which i think we don't have here in los angeles uh my my grandmother died and left property for my father so we came here to manage her property property uh it was pretty easy for me i was still young and it was easy to adapt so i'm pretty good at meeting people so uh that has never been a problem i traveled a lot as a child so i was used to moving and going to new places meeting new people seeing new things it's an adventure and i like the adventurous life oh one of my best trips i had it was in nineteen i'm dating myself but nineteen sixty four i came out here to visit my grandmother from cleveland ohio and i went to an indian reservation and i got a little note card about the reservation when i got back home i wrote to the reservation and i told them i when i came went back to school in september i would have to write uh deliver a speech rather about what i did over the summer and i told them i wanted to talk about going to the indian reservation and would they send me something and they sent me this huge kachina indian doll and that was that was a wonderful experience to have the thing is worth now if i still had it i found out like a quarter of a million dollars so mm but that's one of the best xxx um i could be a little bit of both um i'm pretty when i have to be i can be outgoing 'cause i'm good at meeting talking to people and meeting people but sometimes i have a little bashful side a little shy side of me too so so a little bit of both i studied business administration administration with a uh emphasis in marketing and advertising um well i really i started in computer science but that was back in the day when computer science wasn't this what it is today and um i liked
  • i was good at it but it wasn't any interaction with people and i love people so i wanted something that would bring me interaction with people so i went into marketing and i was working for a t_v station where i was going to school so that fit in line in marketing advertising so no now i'm a photographer i'm a celebrity photographer i shoot a lot of stars i shoot on the red carpet i shoot a lot of special events and anything else people will pay me for it's not hard at all it's my passion i love it it's like not working i'm in my dream job i i just need to get more jobs jobs to that pay pay me well because there's a lot of times as a photographer you have to do a lot of things events for free to get known so it's a building process of relationships so i'm still in that process of building relationships so that i can get more paid jobs but this is my dream job i love what i do well now i'm really back into it i used to do it a while then i got away from it but it's meditation i practice meditation and i try to do it twice a day in the morning and at night before i go to sleep i work with oprah and deepak chopra and anybody else who provides me with meditation and i use that to calm my body um i can generally control my temper sometimes i get set off i guess like any other human person being but i work at trying to keep a moderate and temperate uh temper in personality oh wow we i argued with my daughter the other day about something i said and i did not mean to say it to hurt her but it obviously did and we argued about that what my intentions were my intentions were never to hurt her mm and maybe what i said did and that's what started the argument oh god i felt terrible because i i never intended to hurt my daughter and i never would wanna hurt her and i felt bad that she had been hurt by what i had said so i had to have to guard my words and watch my thoughts well i don't have much of a relationship with my family with my brothers and sisters and mother and father my parents live far away so it's just my two daughters here with me and we have a pretty good relationship you know we try to work my my daughter's a makeup artist and i'm a photographer so we work a lot together in the industry so sometimes i think we're up on each other too close we need a little more space yeah when i say the wrong things it's no it's never easy to be a parent it's a work in progress making the right decisions about things sometimes the love the feel the feeling of accomplishment that you were able to raise the highest creation on this planet to be a a uh wonderful and productive human being i'm not as strict as my parents were i give my kids a little more freedom to find out who they are um i'm not real religious like they do but i am very spiritual um so i brought them up different from me on the religious tip and um i'm more i listen more to them i think than what my parents did it was you were to be seen and not heard when i was growing up and i let my kids' voice be heard one night i had a bad night that changed my life and i don't know wanna go into details i feel bad about that night yeah i could've stayed home wow i'm trying to think about a situation maybe the handling of how i me and my husband divorced i think i could've handled that a little differently well we we i think we really loved each other a lot and we just it was it was something that had come to a a end and the way we separated was kind of explosive and i think both of us could've handled it better but i think i played a part in in keeping a lot of drama going 'cause i was hurt that we were breaking up and kinda devastated 'cause i wanted my child to be raised with her father so i think it looking back now which is you know hindsight is twenty twenty vision i could've handled things a little better but what can you do you do the best that you can at that time if you knew better you'd do better the hardest decision i've ever had to make the hardest decision i've ever had to make was i was on my way to work as an enrollment counselor on a plane had a stroke was going to make an a connection and to get on the other plane to and then go to the hospital and a doctor was sitting behind me and he told me that i could not get on that plane because i might have another stroke that was a hard decision 'cause i was in dallas texas all by myself i did not i mean i was in there with an employee but i would be left all by myself 'cause my employees had to go on to montgomery alabama where we were headed and i had to make a decision should i stay or should i go but my life was in the balance so i made the decision to stay and go to the hospital but that was a hard one ugh overwhelmed i mean here i am on my way to work you know i flew to different states every week and uh to help kids get get admitted into college and here i am on my way to work and i'm on a plane and i feel this weird feeling coming over the left side of my body and i say my prayers and i go to sleep and then when i wake up to get off the plane i can't remove my luggage from the overhead compartment which i did every week so i knew something was wrong it was it was when you to your life and the whole world in your hand and you don't know what's gonna happen next so it was very disturbing very traumatic and i you know you don't know what's happening to you it's so the weirdest thing riding to the hospital in a medical ambulance that was a weird experience yeah but i'm here i you know i survived it the doctor told me nobody survives it a stroke on a plane and i survived so the universe wasn't finished with me yet you know what that's sometimes i have a little problem with it um sleeping a little bit sometimes i i get wired up i get wired up just because i'm one of those real energetic persons and i have to finish what i set out to do and until i finish i can't go to sleep so sometimes it's hard for me to go to sleep other times i can lay down and just go but depends on what's going on in my head um i'm sluggish um probably a little on edge but i try and keep a a upbeat personality i'm a real energetic person so i try to but you know if you're tired your body is still talking to you so lately i've been feeling really well um except i've been having some problems because i have a um since i had the stroke i have nerve damage in my hand and in my face and so i just it's i thought it's been over a year since i had the stroke but i thought by now it would have gotten a little better and it hasn't but i'm so grateful to be alive that that is really minor minor compared to the bigger picture and i wasn't fortunately fortunately my i didn't lose my facial structure or you know my face is not screwed up like a lot of people are i still can use my hands i still can shoot with my camera even though my left hand is is diminished in use but i can shoot with my right hand as a photographer so i can still keep doing my work um so you know i have to keep a good upbeat energy going on for me to keep for me to be successful no but i went through depression uh from being knocked unconscious five times when i was a school teacher every ball there was that you could name soccer ball baseball basketball name that ball hit me in my head and i suffered from having like sleep apnea and not being able to sleep from being hit so many times and knocked unconscious in the head so no only i don't go to therapy because um i don't i don't have any medical right now so i'm not able to get therapy they only offer that to people with medical it's hard to get it and then i don't i'm not working yeah it sucks i'm not working right now because i'm still trying to get my disability so that i can get well 'cause i wanna be a fulfilled human being and i wanna be totally and you know the system it'll be almost two years before i go for a hearing so that's kind of depressing to think after all the years i've been working since i was sixteen and it's taking me it's been over a year it was a year i had the stroke february two thousand twelve and we are now in march of two thousand thirteen and i won't have a hearing until september two thousand thirteen just to tell me if i get the disability or not that's been very depressing for me because i'm wondering where i lived off my savings in the last year and i got put my daughter through college she finished and now she's having to take care of me and she's still looking for a job and my life is kinda up in the air right now 'cause i'm wondering what comes next and so i'm just praying for guidance i feel happy every day every day i wake up and i can breathe and i can see and i can walk and i can talk and i can still shoot my photograph i'm happy it's just a good thing to be in the present moment and to be alive mm you know what i figured like what good are regrets you can't change the past all you can do is change right here and right now so just live
  • move forward mm what advice would i give myself don't let anything get in your way you know keep a good personality and a energetic spirit and just keep pushing energetic talkative uh won't take no for an answer uh follow through reliable um good spirited giving loving um i'm most proud of that i have been able to find out my creative side i've been a visual artist i never took a art lesson before i taught art um i was in my late twenties before i even discovered that i could draw and paint um i'm a doll collector uh i'm i'm my creative side is what i'm most proud of because it's been able to help me being creative i can no matter what even when i i was still very ill from having a stroke i could still go out and just go take pictures and that was so soothing to my soul that i'm i'm i'm glad that i have a creative side and that i found it and have utilized it mhm uh huh and that's is that it bye bye bye,0 +425, yes i'm okay i'm feeling a little tired and uh worried um well i'm looking for a place to live and um i don't have a job right now so things are things are a little shaky for me i'm staying with my son in venice uh it's pretty good but uh both of us need to have our own space so that's why i'm looking for another place to live originally from new york but i've been in california since the early seventies so yeah uh i moved to l_a because i had been living in portland oregon and i was getting tired of the weather up there and my son was down here so it seemed like a good place to be um it wasn't too hard i uh i met people right away and um i just really like it here so it was uh it was easy to connect with people the weather is number one like for most people i love being near the ocean um i like the energy i like the um i like the artistic culture mhm uh well everybody loves the traffic i mean loves the weather and hates the traffic so i kinda feel i feel the same way um sometimes it it gets a little wearing that it's so busy and the fact that it's so expensive makes it difficult uh no not as much as i'd like if if i had more funds more income more funds i would travel more um well mostly i've been um xxx i traveled let's see so my longest uh trip that was out of the country was to mexico and i traveled drove down with a friend uh down to oaxaca and the whole trip we took about mm i think we took us about four weeks going down and back from uh the bay area um yeah that was a fun trip well uh we'd been working together on the census and she had made that trip a few times and invited me to come along with her um from that trip i would say we were in oaxaca for day of the dead so it was uh celebrating day of the dead with the family in the little village that we were staying in and everybody in the village makes an altar in their house uh for their uh loved ones who have passed away and um they also decorate clean and decorate the graves so there were lots of flowers and it was just it was neat to be there and be with that family celebrating that uh well i studied i was in the liberal liberal arts program but i didn't stay i stayed only stayed in school for uh in college for a couple of years um but i was most interested in liberal arts and the humanities huh my dream job would be uh personal assisting somebody who was in a creative field and getting to uh travel and go to events with them uh it's hard to break into um i i'm starting now very uh minimally with somebody who i'm doing more of a volunteer work with and i'm i'm working on building up some of my skills so that i can be doing more of that i'm fairly i'm kind of a friendly introvert so um i i'm you know i have no trouble meeting people uh i don't hold back and um you know xxx just i'm not shy like shy at parties i'll go up and talk to people um but i i am overall kind of introverted so um i prefer one-on-one than big groups um i like to watch uh well i i like to watch uh improvement shows like on uh h_g_t_v i like to watch um like remodel shows and and see transformations or or watch movies or read oh and and i play some solitaire on my uh my kindle fire um i don't usually realize i'm mad until later so it doesn't really come up um and i i just tend not to have the kind of life where um those situations arise uh sometimes you know sometimes on the road um i get a little annoyed uh i don't get annoyed so much at like when people cut me off or anything like that um but when people are deliberately rude and and you know honk for no reason or um you know when they get angry because maybe i've done something inadvertent you know cut them off by mistake and they you know like they get really angry then that makes me angry in return hmm um yeah like i said i don't really get into arguments um i did have i was with a friend the other day and um she got annoyed with me because she felt like i was correcting her so it wasn't really an argument but she you know i had said something that she heard as a correction well it was a correction and she got angry um but um well then i felt criticized and i felt i felt vulnerable eh i wasn't it was it was pretty uncomfortable hmm um well i in that situation i didn't i didn't have to correct her um so i think that's something i'm starting to look at in myself is my need to be right so in general that's i'm trying to to catch that and just let people make mistakes without without my telling them about it mm hmm boy i don't know um gee that's tough i can't i don't know that i've had that much trouble making decisions um hmm well uh uh was hard for me to decide to uh put my cat to sleep when he was sick oh it was and i had to give up a cat um when i was moving once and and that was difficult too 'cause um well in the case of the first cat the one who was sick um i decided when the vet said that he thought it was the humane decision um and with the cat i had to give up i didn't i didn't really decide um i was moving to a place that where i couldn't take her and so i i found somebody who could take her hmm mm see um gee that's tough if i don't really eh the the erasing from the memory part um there's nothing i really wish i could erase from my memory um trying to think of something that i've done that i wish i hadn't done um oh okay i remember something there was there was a time when i was i was in a class at junior college it was a film class and uh i was i was the one who was um after we we went out and did a little film project um and we're supposed to bring it back into class the next week uh i was the one who had the film and through different just things that were happening in my life right now i never went back to the school but i never brought them the film back so all the work they had done um they had to do over again and i still feel bad about that eh it's pretty easy um sometimes i wake up in the early morning hours and and have trouble going back to sleep but that's not very often i've been feeling kind of tired and low level depressed and like not feeling a lot of options no yes i have uh well there were two times there was once um back in like nineteen seventy two nineteen yeah about nine nineteen seventy two or three and then um another time um oh so then when would that've been about sixteen years ago um just feeling like there wasn't um you know feeling that feeling that things weren't gonna change if i didn't get some help and that if i i didn't have to you know that maybe if some i got some medication that would help me um in the short term so i'm not going to therapy right now uh i was moving around a lot finances i wasn't really feeling the need um i'm starting to think it might be a an option again i feel like therapy can be useful yes well when i went to therapy um it was helpful to have somebody who listened and could also offer impartial suggestions for helping me to improve the way i was feeling um well i was on the beach last weekend uh it was a beautiful day and i was sitting in the sun and uh just relaxing and i had my notebook and i was doing some writing and i felt very happy and content uh i'm kind and compassionate and i'm a good listener and i'm intelligent and i have uh i have good ideas um well i wish that uh sometimes i wish i was i was a harder worker um i'm not really willing to take low wage jobs even though i i need work so i just don't feel like i'm willing to do anything um and um i wish i could act i i said i had good ideas that um i have good ideas and i'm good at the uh the onset but i'm not really good on the follow-through so a lot of those ideas get started but then i don't take them the distance that's probably the the thing i'd like to change about myself the most uh ten or twenty years ago i'd give myself the advice to go back to school and get my degree finish my education um and be willing to um to work a regular job and to um to start putting money away for my uh retirement um proud of uh my children and i'm proud of the friendships i have and i'm proud that um eh that people eh people do eh admire me um and value my opinion goodbye,1 +426, um turn the lights down low and listen to soft music mhm i'm getting better over the years um i think i'm pretty decent now compared to how i used to be yes ma'am um due to the lack of i guess you could say controlling my emotions i have uh gotten incarcerated sent to prison yeah mm i'm not sure uh i don't really have a recollection of my hardest decision i've made in my life um it was probably a few days ago with the girl i was talking to and i was arguing about her lack of communication and attentiveness yeah uh frustrated because um you know uh you you put in a certain amount of effort and you expect you know the same effort by the other person when you're in a relationship and at the same time when you when you have expectations sometimes you kinda set yourself up for failure so you know i guess i'm just learning there's a lot of situations i would've handled differently um probably the most recent was uh i had gotten into a physical a physical altercation with an inmate when i was incarcerated and that made me that's what sent me to prison and and i had to do a lot more time and um if i handled it differently i probably would've never went to prison i probably would've been home a lot sooner than i originally happen yeah mm there are several events i wish i could erase from my memory um probably uh my first girlfriend um she did something really uh extreme it wasn't necessary in my eyes and it and it cost it could've cost me my life i think that that that's a recurring thought that i i wish i could completely erase from my memory along with the good memories as well um a few you few fights uh i guess you could say shoot outs um getting jumped getting robbed you know those things i think those inhibit me i guess to to explore certain areas of life that i'm not comfortable with so those are the feww things that it'd be nice if i could erase it completely yeah hurting people that didn't need to be hurt emotionally especially um a few women in my life or in my past um probably putting my mother through certain things that she didn't have to go through along with my close friends and family as well um used to be rocky growing up but as i got older and matured and the certain experiences that i've been through kind of brought me closer to my family so now it's it it's pretty decent it's it's pretty decent mm i would say my mother um yeah my mother um well she she uh she had her share of experiences negative and positive um i admire her the struggles she's been through um she she she uh experienced difficult economic hardships growing up but that didn't stop her um from raising a son at a young age finishing school getting her master's and just just overall being a a good person and she also battled mental health issues as well and um probably not the best of family that she could've been raised with so she so she's kinda of like a a inspiration to to me and other people as well so i would say my mother mm it's not easy so yeah it's not easy i couldn't tell you i i i've always had sleeping issues um i usually just take uh like over the counter sleep medication or nyquil but it makes you drowsy the next morning so it's like it's a negative effect really yeah the medication i don't know shit i don't know but i just stopped taking it 'cause i didn't like feeling drowsy not good at all um yeah i mean i recently got released from prison not too long ago uh i'm older now and a lot more responsibilities and i feel like my life is not where it's supposed to be i feel like i could've made a lot more better decisions in my life you know sometimes feeling sorry for myself and just things that i've been through and the whole nine yards so yeah it's all good yeah so true yes about two and a half three years ago myself i um i was i was just tired of not i don't know i guess school kind of made me seek help because i started to understand myself how my brain works um you know so i decided to seek help maybe to better my life yeah you could say that yes i am yes yes i do actually i do mm better decision making um better tools to reflect on choices um how to control uh certain situations better yeah um well instead of just always reacting on emotion no matter what kind of emotion it is i step back and and and i assess the situation you know to see what's what's the best way to to react towards the situation and by doing that it has made me more mature emotionally more mature and just has a positive outcome um i was lying next to a beautiful woman who who cared about me and the feeling was mutual so that was probably the most happy oh my goodness spontaneous um outgoing sometimes a little crazy um fun that's about it nothing um like i said earlier just you know hurting the the few women that were in my life my past and my friends and family that's about it oh shit uh school is really important um how i carry myself the people who i surround myself with and what i choose to do in my free time those are the few things i would tell myself good music um a good game of basketball um sex um i like going out i like going to parties um social gatherings where everyone's friendly and and there's no drama that's what i like dancing beautiful women a couple drinks that's about it um i guess not not necessarily giving up and and um just just i don't know just keep going just just not giving up really yeah mhm bye bye,1 +427, yeah sure i'm good how are you i'm from florida originally mhm where are you from oh um for work uh i haven't been back in like a few months um i don't know i guess it's like a smaller town than here it was pretty easy it's um it's not that much of a difference except i guess the buildings are bigger um i like the weather and uh i like the environment of like hollywood i guess i hate the transportation the transportation system and the traffic it's really bad mhm yeah i've traveled a lot around america um i like like seeing new places and meeting new people from different areas and stuff and uh i guess it's just relaxing and it's fun uh well i went to canada once my mom has a friend up there so we went to visit her there it's pretty cold i didn't like that about that particular trip or um i don't know she made us this uh like canadian food called i think it's poutine or something and so i guess that that was a new experience um i try to get out in the sun like go to the beach or something or read a book um pretty okay depends on how bad the situation is um i don't know like two days ago i was arguing with my sister about something oh yeah i really don't remember it something stupid i think she i don't know she borrowed something from me and she didn't give it back on time um i don't know i guess i mean yeah i wish i just wouldn't lose my temper so quickly sometimes but that doesn't happen really often um i don't know i guess think more before i talk then maybe i won't lose my temper um something i wish i could erase from my memory um i don't know i guess just like uh negative people or something negative people that i've met before i guess i just wanna erase the thought of meeting them um well i had like friends that were just like not very good company and they're just very not very good influences so yeah i would just wanna erase meeting them but i'm not friends with them anymore so um my who's a positive influence my family is a positive influence and my friends now oh it's pretty good i talk to them a lot i see them a lot so yeah mm the hardest decision i've ever had to make i don't know i guess um what i wanted to study in college maybe it's not that hard but it's a little it's a big decision computer science thanks yeah a little bit not not as much but a little bit well i got into it it when i got into it when i was a teenager so i guess i just and i was good at it so i just figured i'd go on studying it for higher at a higher level yeah somewhat but i uh kinda wanted to i was kinda trying to make a decision between that and like the arts so yeah i'm just happy i did it though my dream job uh fashion designer yeah how hard is the job um i don't think it's a hard job i like clothes and fabric and making clothes like that so i don't think it's a hard job actually i fall asleep like within five minutes depending on how tired i am i'm very irritable and uh yeah i'm very irritable and not good to be around when i'm tired and i can't focus i've been feeling good fine thanks no no no um the last time i felt really happy mm i guess like a week or so ago i went to um i went to where did i go i went to this event downtown it was like a art walk thing so it was exciting thanks oh it was just like different art um galleries and stuff downtown they're just exhibiting their work and i don't know it was just interesting to walk around and see all that um i think i'm generous um patient i think i'm a good friend um i think i'm hard working and what else yeah i that's that's it i think um i wish i was more outgoing like more sociable person and um what else i don't know and i wish i was like i guess not um not easy to um anger like get a temper or something oh no not in trouble it's just sometimes it's it's not pleasant for people um getting getting a having a temper but i've never gotten in trouble or mm really badly no um i can't think of um i guess i was in i was in a um elevator one time and this person like was running towards it and like like i was trying to hold it for them but i couldn't reach it in time and they like started cursing me out so like i felt really bad 'cause they probably thought i didn't try to open it for them but yeah it was that um anything i regret not really i well yeah i regret um not contacting like old friends that i knew so i guess yeah maybe i'll do that in the future i know them from like elementary school yeah but we lost contact through the years 'cause i switched schools for now i mean oh okay um i don't know i guess i would just say um learn as much as i can and i don't know just don't hold back so much with like um like not being outgoing and stuff i guess i'd just tell myself to be more outgoing um i think they'd say the same thing i said earlier that i'm generous patient hard working and what else did i say um kind i hope they'd say that mm i am proud of my intelligence okay okay bye take care,1 +428, yeah i'm good how are you i'm from here um from los angeles probably the downtown the view and it's not that i like it but that's just where i for my parents were so that's where i grew up nothing that's where i live i i love l_a maybe that it's ghetto but that's about it i was thinking of going for sound engineer or mechanic hmm but i'm not sure 'cause 'cause my dad um he used to do that mm i'm not even sure to be honest haven't really thought about it i can't look at your shoes uh no i don't travel like that i don't know maybe money money issue or something if i had money yeah i'll go all all over the world just probably um outgoing depends i guess i don't know about what shy or outgoing well outgoing you could be outgoing at a party you know like you're already out there so you can't be shy i guess if you're going to a party good probably um my girlfriend and 'cause i missed work 'cause i just felt lazy i was like whatever you know i just didn't wanna go and i i do what i want i just didn't go nah not really she's over it already as long as we have the bills and rent paid don't worry guilty probably nothing i guess i should've gone to work mm damn that i could erase from that probably bad friends that i've met you know like friends that trick you you know that said that that they just trick you friends that deceive you i guess okay like um my friend told me that he had a good job at some car wash place so he told me to to he's gonna get me hired there and give me direct deposit but then he ended up actually going into my account and taking money from my account so probably moving out and into my mom's house yeah i haven't really been around eh like a big decision like that i wanted my own space you know my own life i wanna do what i want and come home when i want leave when i want yeah yeah uh we're all close we're all you know we hardly argue we're all always around we always see each other my mom my dad my brother how they were a positive in my life well they're always there for you you know whether you have financial problems they're there they help you out whether you're sad they know you know and they'd be like hey what's wrong you know let's go out and eat somewhere just to cheer you up they're xxx they're your family and they're always there to motivate you and keep you going uh easy actually yeah pretty easy i'm sorry um i haven't noticed but maybe probably the same you know i don't think sleep does affect you but i don't know maybe more tired but i don't think annoyed or mad or anything like that good everything's great um maybe that i wanna start know like start a new business or something well like my dad um he wasn't around for a while but he just got back and um he actually opened up a shop and he's getting a a a lot of customers so i see that his business is growing so i'm probably gonna learn learn um learn mechanic like like i was saying earlier at school i don't even know what it what is that no nope i'm sorry um yesterday last night 'cause i got a new game that i'm funny i uh uh no um i don't think nothing everything's fine you know thank god everything's good right now i don't think there's nothing to change like that maybe a better job well first of all i don't even have a job so i guess to change i get a job nah it's hard for someone to put me down like that xxx could say probably that i'm responsible as well at home resting and then i call some friends over they usually do come over barbecue whatever comes to mind you know just there in my house 'cause i have a nice backyard 'cause i just moved to this new house so so far each xxx yeah so each weekend right now we just people come over family come over and we pretty pretty much just barbecue there just hang out my sister's birthday party it was on saturday and it was fun there was a lot of dancing you know people uh i saw family that i haven't seen for a while so i enjoyed doing that so probably that i was like i was able to help my mom throughout because she was going through a really hard time my mom and um for almost nine years 'cause she was having hard trouble paying bills and rent so i i'm proud that i was able to help her even though i could only give so little but she at least we're all still good you know and we're still alive and everyone's still blessed and um being around my family music music always puts me in a good mood any kinda music even if it's even if it's depressing music it's still gonna it it's still gonna get me happy yeah mhm no problem anytime bye mm am i supposed to press the button you say yeah ,0 +429, i'm good yes i'm good iowa when or why uh two thousand one mm holidays and special family events uh it's much better there scrubbed_entry and i uh got into u_c_l_a went to u_c_l_a for three years in their screenwriting program mhm it's took a long time it was difficult mm just the uh the stress getting used to and managing the stress of everyday living you know mm variety there's a lot of variety there's a lot of variety here i like that the obvious traffic uh internationally no uh just haven't had reason to i guess i have a b_s in math and physics um i went to school later in life and i wanted to actually know something so um it was very difficult very difficult but i did it mm why um it fascinated me i didn't wanna be intimidated by it oh yeah oh yeah um to be employed writer extremely difficult extremely difficult writing any type of fictional fiction writing's extremely difficult if i worked then as hard as i do now when i was in school i'd have a p_h_d in math and physics it's so hard outgoing it depends on the circumstance it's it's not a catch-all depends on the the moment what do i do to relax i swim mhm swam when last time i swam um last friday yeah mm last friday what do i do when i am annoyed mm swear to myself pretty good mm pretty good takes takes a lot to get me to express anger but i do it was in traffic actually so probably two weeks ago so in traffic sure um scrubbed_entry um just waiting for the light light and some guy in a pickup is honking at me i'm like so i honk back and so he didn't like that and he pulled up along side me i had have no idea what his problem was and um we had a little
  • few words yeah i mean i i have no idea what i was doing wrong just waiting for the light guilty that's a strong word don't know if i feel guilty as i feel remorseful about actions or words said and done in the past they come up oh just past interpersonal you know interpersonal reactions with friends or family you know it'll just hit you one day you're not necessarily thinking about it for whatever reason and just out of the blue it hits you and i'm like oh why'd i say that why'd i do that mm a situation xxx uh woo drawing a blank um for me that question has a negative connotation so something that's possibly negative in my recent past um what would i have done differently i've i don't i'm pretty in control of my emotions and taking the temperature of the moment and responding knowing when to respond and when and knowing not to respond um so nothing really springs to mind that i wish i had done differently recently in my past past yes but not recently oh swallowing my pride putting my tail between my legs and saying i was wrong to friends sure scrubbed_entry um scrubbed_entry i contacted him again and then we're fast friends again mhm you know this is again this is past past so not recent past so um probably altercations that i've had with my uh mom you know things i've said to hurt her you know you know when you hurt the ones that are closest to you that sticks so any time any one of those situations you know so when i'm i think my emotional i_q has grown so i think in the past past my emotional i_q was very was stuck on infant so so i have a good relationship with my mother and both my sisters and their families um my father never had a good relationship don't know if that will be possible he's still alive but he's in advanced alzheimer's so he's mad at everybody right now oh it's fine you know it was slow so someone oh um scrubbed_entry has been positive influence in my life um my sisters i talk with my sisters so extremely easy i sleep well each night about anywhere from at least eight to ten hours a night yeah oh lethargic um just going through the motions you know um it's like this i'll frame it like this david lynch who is not necessarily mainstream he's done some crazy stuff as far as movies and t_v's concerned he said the idea of the angst-driven artist is b_s he says you wanna be creative get a good night's sleep i like that mhm good um i can't wait to get up and start the day oh um if if that happens it's gradual i'm always thinking about my behavior and my thought processes and how to be more productive in my life with what p eh you mean no i don't think so no i haven't be diagnosed no i haven't been xxx diagnosed with any psychological acronym no uh this weekend had a good good time with friends we had a great mm was with friends and we just were able to talk about you know some things and uh for conversation lasted for two and a half hour three hours didn't expect it to happen it was good i like talking with smart people informed people open-minded people it was a great those types of discussions are rare it's almost like running uh the high you get after running or exercising you know the endorphins it was the same thing i um either with friends or working on my stuff my writing or exercising my heighth i wish i were taller um i wish mm taller uh physical just physicality um i wish i didn't wear glasses mhm nothing internal mm i'm patient i've been commended for my patience by strangers um mm my relationships with my friends and my family i understand that it takes time and energy to maintain them and i take that time and energy well that's a really open general question of course you know it goes back um are you talking recently are you talking in the past um i always regret things i regret this is a little thing it's not a big thing not being more productive or efficient in the use of my time each day it's a little thing you know so i hate wasting time i hate wasting money i hate wasting energy hm that's a deep question i'd say i was codependant ten or twenty years ago i'd say get some help get some help you're co you're co mm k sure bye,0 +430, yeah sure i'm fine thank you i am from los angeles well you can't beat the weather um and i just think the familiarity of home just uh makes me feel comfortable here smog uh rudeness although it doesn't compare to new york it's um people can be unbearable when they're rude um not as much as i'd like lately i traveled more in the past but uh not lately no i just think seeing different places it's um learning new things uh finding things that are fascinating that peak my interest um let's see i think spoke of new york earlier i think the first time i went to new york i was quite amazed i know it's uh still still only in america but i just think um being from l_a i didn't think anything or any city could be bigger and more uh how do you say uh ostentatious than new york but uh it was it was quite an experience and uh i didn't think any place was uh i didn't i didn't think any place was dirtier than downtown l_a but i think times and or stepfathers maybe xxx when um i uh i left my kids um my first marriage i uh i was really uh immature and unknowledgeable and felt that i um couldn't provide for my children so i made a choice to leave them with their father for a period of time um and that was a regret and then when um i was thirty six i was diagnosed with cancer and um i had to make the choice of again uh leaving my kids with their perspective fathers and um uh until i got better i wasn't able to um be a full-time mother yeah it was separation from my kids is really hard separation from my kids is really hard um i feel ashamed and guilt and remorse because had i had a more um stable uh uh financial um hmm uh uh financial and emotional and psychological foundation i might have had the ability to not have caused them um some of the problems that they have today mm sometimes good i have to be really tired um sometimes not so good mm ineffective mm ineffective i think i'm making more of a conscientious effort to um get organized and uh um take some um steps to uh physical health um well-being um getting out more forcing myself to uh participate in life more no yes um originally i think i was diagnosed in nineteen eighty maybe before that but it was never a formal diagnosis um i tried to commit suicide yes sometimes um i uh i'm no longer uh truly suicidal mm i don't know two thousand six two thousand seven went to the beach for a walk with my dog i have a great ability to empathize i am open to learning um i crave learning i'm um socially empathetic i love my children um i'm a good friend mm well my depression is one thing um um i wish i was more intelligent that school was easier for me um i wish i didn't have uh such low self-esteem um i wish i could be more motivated in participating in areas that i'm interested in yeah go to college my children goodbye,0 +436, yes i'm doing fine uh mexico uh when i was young seven years old i've been there like uh three or four times for vacation well it's uh less stressful i don't know if it's because i'm on vacation but i feel more at peace over there than here well my uh family moved down here for a better life uh that was my parents mm just the weather and the different things that you could do you could be at the beach or you could go to the mountains different variety of things to do the traffic and sometimes yeah basically the traffic and yeah that's one of the main things not that much i been to new york and uh mexico only uh just uh seeing new places and finding new locations you know something new like for a trip or well i've been to uh in mexico i've been to the pyramids of uh i forgot what's it called in mexico city and i like you know about uh finding about my ancient culture since i'm uh uh mexican from mayan aztec so i like to see different things like that well uh at school well i did uh drop out but i came back and i'm trying to get back into it right now trying to learn uh graphic designs well i started liking you know to take pictures doing different things and i like you know uh going into business i like what the it entitles about i wanna have my own business either making web pages just be able to be free and don't being relying on someone else just be able to have freedom for myself outgoing well i just like to you know be around people like to get to know people and depending on the person how i feel around 'em i like to hear music or you know do do different things like play sports or do different things just to unwind well i'm getting better at it you know i xxx well it was like uh two days ago it was something about uh i needed to pay a bill or something something that uh i you know i had taken care of but the person he's like more picky about it you know he's more you know how how girls are you know they they want everything right there and then i have it handled you know i have it everything there and they just bugging sometimes they don't give you the space that you need to resolve something well i felt like i was overwhelmed i already had it resolved i just was waiting for a check you know that's not on my control but i already had made the paper proper arrangements and she's bugging me about it and it's like you're making you know an argument you know a storm in a glass of water it's like mhm well uh differently there's couple of them but not so recently because i've been more trying to get my life together but the decisions i made before in the past like dropping out of school and doing other different things mm guilty not that much because not really not that i could think right off the top of my head the hardest decision oh it's just not on top of my head right now an event mm well the only things that i remember is when i black out or different things like that that i don't remember but not nothing like a particular only when my uh brothers died and different things like that mhm well my brother was in gangs and different things and he was getting more into trouble and it's just not a pleasant memory for me to talk about that much get into it no i'm hispanic i you know i like to be with my family and you know i i like to go over there to mexico too i have a half-sister and my grandpa died he was over there in mexico so i do uh like to have a good relationship with my family well my mom and dad they always work hard they always done what they had to do to pay the bills that's why sometimes i be like you know running around trying to get everythings done but done correctly not trying to take the easy way out it's a little hard because there eh especially here in los angeles there's a lotta different things that you could get into that's not that positive and it's hard to stay focused on you know the correct stuff well normally i just knock out it's not that hard it's like it takes me like half an hour or fifteen minutes but uh sometimes i can't even wake up even with the alarm uh they have to wake me up you know my girl has to wake me up even with the alarm going on it's like so hard so you know i just knock out i do get a little either i'm angry or i don't feel good and i'm not filled with energy but i still have to know i know i have to do something so i still go through with it i been well i been uh feeling good you know been a little restless but not that much i had to do stuff so i just you know put myself to do it no matter how i feel no nothing out of the ordinary no no the last time i felt happy that was probably on the weekend that i was you know going out with a going out have some fun and you know i was drinking and just relaxing and winding winding down mhm my ideal weekend is usually with my girl either out or at home just relax but nothing else you know just be able to relax and unwind with her you know either going out somewhere to a nice place or staying at home but without getting any calls or xxx interruptions you know just be able to turn off the phone and turn off everything just be with her doing the other different things mhm uh like an outgoing guy you know very social but at the same time i'm reserved depending how i feel with people have to you know build trust or feel comfortable with them oh i'm changing a lot you know like uh my temper and different things drinking things i'm changing a little different things so i could get more different things done oh there's several but mostly uh is when i'm coming from mexico that they wanna demeander you even down there it feels uh like silly because i went to a store i was regularly dressed and i was telling 'em i wanted to buy something and then they said that that i i wasn't belong there and i and as soon as they saw my credit card they kinda changed perspective because they saw the wells fargo logo they know i was american but they thought it was like you know it it was it felt me it felt ridiculous to me because you go to a place and you have the money you ask for something you're gonna ask for something because you have it not just to waste kill their time just because they saw a logo of a card that's how they you know it just it was ridiculous for me no basically uh to stay more focused on different things uh stay in school and you know don't go you know try to control my temper and do different things because if i knew what i know now back then it'd be different well uh i did drop out but i did uh go back to school and i you know i did get my high school and right now i'm in the process of doing other different things so right now is uh getting my high school getting that together and right now i'm working to another goal trying to get you know my either going back to school so it's basically basically getting back to school and finishing the high school the g_e_d mhm okay you're welcome bye,0 +437, mm yes mm i'm doing pretty good uh i was born in los angeles mhm um i like the diversity of the city all the attractions and things that you can see um the food restaurants things like that traffic freeways crime mm uh yes i do mhm um seeing new places or going back and seeing same places and just enjoying relaxing getting away from l_a uh well let's see last trip i made was up to the central coast up in uh cambria and pismo beach area and um solvang santa ynez uh huh yeah probably uh when i got to study abroad in madrid spain when i was a student at u_c_l_a uh huh in terms of travel uh yeah i was um i participated in the uh education abroad program at u_c_l_a where you go live in another country to learn the language and you live there for a year at the university and you study at the university and uh it it was just a memorable year something an experience that i would never forget thanks probably more shy but uh sometimes i could be outgoing um i'm more shy in terms of you know i it takes me it takes time time for me to get to know people i mean i'm not a real party person i don't like to go to parties and meet people and things like that but if i if i'm among friends and things like that then i can be pretty outgoing with people i know um drink wine um yeah drink wine maybe listen to some uh nice music pretty good i can i'm pretty good at controlling my emotions oh gosh um i wouldn't say it was a real argument it was more like a what just a discussion maybe about finances maybe money um just oh just a little irritated but um not really not really strong emotional uh wow gosh i i can't think of anything at the moment so uh let's uh skip that one um mm maybe uh eating eating more junk food than i admit to or the hardest decision i ever had to make uh maybe uh buying a home buying a home or remodeling the home spending money for uh i it was um i felt it was time to move on with my life and uh to uh buy a place for myself so i could be self-sufficient and independent xxx yes very happy thank you uh an event i could erase from my uh when i um yeah when i was a student when i was a student teaching for a year trying to get my teaching credential and discovered i never enjoyed it i wanna erase that whole year nineteen eighty three uh it just brought back horrible it just brings back horrible memories of uh what i went through when i was student teaching and uh discovered that that teaching k twelve was not was not for me i studied my major was spanish and linguistics i was very good at foreign languages and i thought um i enjoyed taking them and i was just having a good time taking foreign language and uh i was getting good grades so i thought maybe this is what i should go into foreign languages uh i was teaching i was an adult ed teacher teaching english as a second language for thirty years and i just recently uh decided to uh retire myself um i have a pretty good relationship with my family with my mother and my sisters my father passed away in two thousand eight and um uh my relationship with my father wasn't as good as with my other family members yeah but uh on the xxx on the whole um we have pretty good relation with the rest of my family now um pretty easy i don't have any problems um if i don't sleep well i'm i may be moving around in the bed and you know um messing up the sheets but that doesn't happen too often oh pretty good i think i've been feeling pretty good no major health problems or anything no no no uh last time i was really happy uh probably uh when spring break came around it was uh vacation time and it was time to uh go on our trip uh yeah it was um it was a week trip up to central coast to uh cambria and pismo beach and santa ynez it was just a nice getaway relaxing on the uh hotel lawn and garden drinking wine and uh enjoying different sights and eating good food and and buying wine to replenish our dwindling supply at home thanks uh i think she would describe me as um eh kind and sweet and um motivated and uh just a nice person oh i'd say sometimes i wouldn't mind being a little more outgoing i guess i tend to be more reserved so i wouldn't mind being more outgoing towards strangers and things but mm uh really badly about myself uh let's see probably when i betrayed a confidence with some friends of mine when i uh taped them when i taped them singing christmas carols and i i played it to some other people and they found out and they really laid a guilt trip on me for doing that yeah but uh it all it all got resolved at the end we all we became we were all it was just a bad misunderstanding on my part but it worked out okay yeah um probably having done what i did by playing it to other people uh what advice would i give myself ten or twenty years ago um uh don't give up just uh keep uh keep pursuing what you want and uh never never give up xxx see it as a and as a disappointment if nothing if it doesn't work out um i'm a i'm a good listener um i'm a i'm a motivated person i'm hardworking i'm conscientious i'm caring um i'm generally a pretty happy type person something recently what i really enjoyed uh going to the uh going to the festival of books at u_s_c this weekend uh yeah uh the festival of books is a it's a festival where they have all these uh book mm book authors authors and they have demonstrations food demostrations and seminars and all kinds of books available to look at and uh there's uh lots of food and um and a lot of uh authors signing books and things uh it's a great event for just to get out and and it was nice weather too so it was nice to be out there mhm yeah i really enjoyed that especially the food thanks most proud of um most proud of uh probably uh being successful in my work uh in my life in my marriage and just um yeah just basically being happy with myself oh you're welcome bye,0 +438, yes i'm doing pretty good i was born and raised right here in los angeles um the weather um would be number one i also like the diverse uh cultures i like the fact that there's a lot of different things here you can do and there's a lot of opportunity here um not just for myself but for my kids and um i think it's really a great place to be when you're trying to establish a career go to school um learn about different people the traffic the cost of living um sometimes i think it's too big and i think the transportation system as far as the bus and trains um is long overdue they need to revamp it or you know add more buses and things like that just make it easier for people to get around on public transportation i travel when i can a little bit here and there i have not been overseas yet which is a goal of mine within the next couple of years so i've just traveled domestically i try to take at least one trip a year somewhere i just like the fact of getting on the plane and going places um going particularly somewhere i've never been and learning about that place you know like so if i'm going to d_c i really look forward to it 'cause it's a historic city you know things like that um my most recent trip would've been d_c last year um i went to go visit a friend and i stayed about three i think three to four days and i got to see the capitol um he showed me around showed me all the you know historic landmarks and sites the white house the capitol building um i got to see a lot of other different uh government buildings and um it was it was a a good experience the irony was i had to fly on nine eleven and so that had me a little uneasy but once i was in the plane up in the air i was okay and it was all good and once i was back home i was like yes but i i i miss the trip and i look forward to going back um attending uh my friend's wedding she had a destination wedding in hawaii um actually maui that was actually two three three years ago three years ago in august and um i've been trying to get back ever since and i wanna take my kids and i just love it there and i actually kinda look forward to to moving there one day um i have three sons um thirteen-year-old twins boys and my youngest is also a boy he's eight they um all have birthdays in june the twins are june ninth and my baby is june fourth and so they're just a few days apart but five years apart technically and they're just super super typical boys active all over the place hormones puberty um so it's actually an interesting time because you know the the two older boys are going through puberty um they're teenage years um my youngest um still trying to figure some things out for himself you know doing that transition stage of eight to nine years old so he'll be nine in june and then my oldest will be fourteen so it's a challenging time for me as well just the joy of watching what you put into being a parent every day and seeing how just with love and nurturing and um the right and you know well i can't say proper development but just with you know love and nurturing how a um baby grows into a toddler into you know a young boy to a teenager and then into a young man and so that experience alone has been rewarding just watching my sons grow up and go through these different stages and seeing how they have developed and you know seeing some of the things that they're going through now that so reminiscent of my teenage years and um it's just it's very rewarding and um actually i look forward to maybe even being a foster parent later down the line when they're older and off in college 'cause i really love children and giving back um mm there's probably a couple of things but i would just say um for me being a single parent is um the financial um well i would say that along with some of the emotional with with them having um to bear the brunt of the responsibility of just child child rearing um you know the just the everyday things of what you have to deal with the uh sometimes when you're just tired you don't wanna be bothered or you're trying to do things for yourself you have to be reminded that oh okay i gotta cook or i have to go pick my son up or i have to take him to baseball practice uh this one want to go over here um this one is acting moody and you know just those those types of challenges um as well as the financial and you know making sure you know you're able to put food on the table you're paying your rent and you know you're keeping up with the day to day and that's those two are probably the hardest things um for me to deal with well i just um i take it day by day i just put one foot in front of the other and um i'm extremely spiritual so i just rely on god and pray a lot and meditate um if i see i need a little help if if you know i'm i'm i'm not above asking for help so sometimes if i have to reach out to people or you know see what other resources are out there to help me you know i try to do that and so for me right now my biggest challenge is just trying to go back to school to put myself in a better um economic situation so i can continue to provide for them comfortably um i studied communications actually i was a um journalism public relations major with a minor in sociology and now i'm studying business i just thought that you know um there would be more opportunities for me with business um as far as jobs and then i you know have a desire to go to graduate school so i just figured in the long run it was a better um it would put me in a better position give me more opportunities um with the communications it's a little limited and especially as you get older um the fields of t_v reporting and things like that um are kinda become you know harder to obtain so i just thought eh i would go into something more realistic and um you know but uh i like both fields i really do i like communicating writing reading talking as you can tell and um so we'll see um a couple probably but i would say ultimately would be traveling like working as like a travel writer um going to different destinations um trying different foods out um writing about different people cultures um learning and living you know uh about those different people and cultures living living amongst amongst the you know the the people there and um being interactive with the children and stuff like that so i kinda hope to be able to do that one day but yes um it it would be something along those lines and then the fallback would be a counselor social worker something in that area if i could encompass all three hopefully i can i i would like to do that um that's actually a hard question probably because i initially grew up very shy and um not so much shy as i am reserved now um but not conservative but just reserved and you know when i go somewhere i'm checking everything everybody else out and then once i become comfortable or acclimate to the situation then i'm like okay you know i warm up to the to the situation or the people but i'm also friendly i can be very friendly and outgoing i like to talk um you know i seem like a chatterbox but i'm not really so usually if i'm in a big space with a whole lot of people i don't like to be the center of attention attention i can attach myself to one or two people and you know become friendly with them but i i overall i am a open friendly person um for me um it it could be something as simple as just unplugging everything all electronics and just sitting for a few moments meditating praying or reading a good spiritual scripture um if i'm able to i like to go for a good massage maybe get a facial um you know things that will i kinda like the physical part part of it i like massages things that really release tension um and if not then just like i said just sitting at home reading and praying or i like the beach i love the beach so sometimes i drive and go sit by the beach i like
  • also like to just maybe go and have lunch by myself or get a mani pedi or maybe go window shopping you know things like that mm pretty good sometimes i'm just like grr i don't really have so much a issue with the temper as i am i just i'm more impatient unfortunately a lot of times with people and you know situations so i just can become really irritated or irritable um quite agitated especially if it's that time of the month for me i just lose patience um outside of that i'm actually pretty good i try to be very you know conscious of where i'm at and be very patient with people especially if i could see that the person is like if if they're a new a new checkout person at the the counter or cashier i do try to be i do try to be patient and understanding 'cause i would want that you know if it were me i would want someone to extend that to me um you know with my kids sometimes you know it's this it works both ways too once it's that time of the month i'm just like ugh just leave me alone um or i might have a short temper or a short fuse so i am conscious of it i try to be aware of it and and try to monitor it but you know like anybody i'm human and there are times or i have my days or moments when i could just like ugh go off and just lose it um well i haven't really had it not per se an argument but there's been a ongoing thing with american express so i would say because it was not a personal contact but a company i eh we it it really was an argument but uh you know i i had some um issues with american express i had to call in about on i think saturday and i kept um i wasn't getting the response i expected and so i would get the whole contact the call was just back and forth very frustrating and i was upset and you know the rep was trying to overtalk me then i was trying to overtalk her so you you know i don't know if you would consider that an argument but i would definitely say that's the last time when you know i just kinda like reached my boiling point to say the least and was really upset and eh that that was the closest you know to an argument and then i had to call back this morning that one didn't really escalate to an argument but it was um a a a tense exchange for a minute or two probably the most recent contact and that would've been the one on saturday with american express um or actually it was on sunday yeah and um i know the person was trying to help me but you know when you you're constantly being told different things and i've had to call in about five or six times about the same situation and it not be resolved it just takes you there so um just i kept raising my voice said some things i shouldn't had um and just was more so allowed myself to lose control of the contact i like to really feel in control of the contact and so um it just took me there my blood pressure was raised excuse me and that was just a kind of a mess for a while for like maybe thirty minutes or an hour after that just irritable and agitated and upset and and so i always try to you know go back and pull from those and you know do my own sense of feedback and see how i could you know handle things differently but that's one i i definitely wish i could've kept my cool and been more level-headed and and not really raised my voice and you know um been more polite mm well i've probably have had a couple but probably the most is a situation years ago when i just had my sons and they probably my twins they were probably about two and i was in a situation with their father again and became pregnant and um it just was not a good time and he pretty much you know was not comfortable with me having another child at the time and um i wasn't comfortable with having another child either but wanted to keep the baby but he put me under so much stress and you know kind of i wanna say really pushed me into having terminating the the pregnancy and that's always stayed with me and i've always missed that pregnancy that child i think about that that baby or what could've been i try not to hold any um anger or resentment towards him or anybody about it but i know deep down inside secretly if i had it to do all over again i would've just i would've kept the baby and moved forward so that would've been probably the hardest especially emotionally i could deal with a lot and i have dealt with a lot you know um being unemployed or you know lot of financial problems but that to me was the hardest thank you no mm mm no um okay you know um i was laid off in december so i've been constantly trying to do things to you know get um back on my feet so that's been a little tough i've had i've had to face a lot of challenges and dealing with that and issues with child support and trying to find another job and going back to school so i my my range of emotions have just have been just that a range and a very good friend of mine now who we both started off you know in the same place um about five years ago well she's been able to move forward and um go on with her life and now she's graduating in next month from u_s_c with her master's in social work so i'm feeling a little envious of that and i have been for like the past year but more so recently although i've very very happy for her you know and she's a good person and she deserves it but xxx of course deep down inside i wish it was me so that too has kinda been bothering me well i'm really good with um people i communicate well i like to talk i'm really good with children that's why i would like to teach or be a counselor um although i haven't not really tapped into it i know i'm a very creative person um i know i write pretty good um i could possibly be a creative writer but i know i'm very creative so if given the opportunity i know i could tap into that and really develop those skills something like with maybe songwriting um fiction writing um but probably like interior decorating anything artistic just anything 'cause i love music i love the arts i love drama i love plays um i'm not a big fashion buff but i do love fashion and makeup and stuff like that so um i think those would are are my strong points as well as just getting along with people i know i would make a great counselor people my friends come to me all the time i have a good ear for listening i'm a great mediator and i know how to because i've been through a lot and one of my friends called me the voice of reason the one that's actually graduating from s_c but um i know i'm like light years ahead of a lot of people when it comes to insight and wisdom and i don't know if it has to do with you know having older parents myself or how i grew up or i had i had very traditional southern parents um who instilled a lot of great values in me or if it has anything to do with my astrological sign i'm a pisces but um i'm i'm really good with people just you know period you know like i said i have my moments but i i know if it if it's something i could go into and develop i would do well mm not really some of the situations um i wish i would've waited to maybe have gotten married before i had children um picked a different partner um and i say that i mean my son's father is great but um a great father for my kids but not so much as a partner for me we're not together we haven't been together in years but i'm just saying overall i think um had i yeah i think i would say if i could let me backtrack that say not finishing school when i should have and not following my my dreams and goals and doing things as i kinda was planning initially and i think that's that would i honestly be the one thing i could say i regret is not following my goals and and finishing school on time and and pursuing what i really wanted to do stay focused and finish school and pick a career path and stay on that and stay motivated and don't let anything or anybody deter you mm um i think i'm pretty stable and consistent just with overall i think um how i face adversity how i face i face things you know um i am a pretty committed person i try to you know if i say imma do something i try to stick to it i'm a very loyal friend um and um i'm proud of the fact that i've i've maintained and done a pretty good job with raising my kids solo okay great thank you bye bye,0 +439, yes i'm doing fine i'm from los angeles and born in los angeles yes uh you have a lot of places to go a lot of people to see a lot of things to do smog uh the environmental has changed over the years uh xxx i've been around since nineteen fifty two and i was born here in los angeles and i see such changes as far as environmental with the smog and mm basically that's about it i've been to several uh several places in the united states yes uh trying different type of cuisines uh i like to go to museum like the historical i'm a historical buff i um just uh going somewhere different than uh where i've been here all my life uh let me start with uh well try boston i had never been to boston before and when i went um i was able to look at the historical uh the buildings and i went to um uh i saw um um eh the lake charles and the and the boats and stuff and it it was just it was a good experience and um there's another place i went to i took a ferry and it and i my mind went on blank on it um god i can't even think of it right now um but other than that uh new orleans i've been to new orleans i didn't go to the mardi gras it's just i don't like to go and it uh to mardi gras when they have a lot of people um i just went on a off season uh i enjoyed that and i've been to atlanta georgia and i have taken a cruise uh i've went to the caribbeans and i took the mexico cruise uh i my next cruise i'd like to go to is alaska because i want to be able to see uh certain areas that we haven't destroyed yet as far as the environmental um i'm outgoing as far as uh going places i don't have a problem um eating alone um i don't have a problem meeting people um i'm only shy in conversing back and forth to a stranger oh i have a favorite thing uh i like to go on the internet and i like to do sweepstakes i'm a a person that loves to try to enter in a lot of contests and i've been very successful since i was a kid i've won a lot of sweepstakes and uh in the evening time uh i find like a hour of time and i just go online and just eh i'm so good at it i know just about exactly the right time to even enter 'em i usually try to enter 'em before midnight when everybody else is sleep so it's been successful for me um getting married and having my children mm i have a twenty-seven-year-old son and i have a thirty-one-year-old son um both of 'em uh well one of 'em's married the other one's not and i just not too long ago became a grandmother so i have one grandson and uh my uh son he uh works for the county of los angeles as a conveyance a property conveyance conveyance examiner and the other one is a computer engineer so and i've been married for thirty three years and um basically uh marriage pretty strong you know what if you build a foundation with your children and have a good relationship with them and talk to 'em and find out what's going on and tell 'em that you love them uh my son i've taught them all the time when they went out the door i love you and even today when they'll call me and hang up they say mom i love you you always have to give them that that um good feeling when they leave the door that you care and uh i i've never had to go to to eh to any jail to get 'em out um they've been pretty obedient i mean boys will be boys but um i never had any problem as far as uh them getting into any serious trouble and i'm very proud of that especially with boys i don't know how it would've been with a girls maybe a little different but with boys i have to say they were pretty obedient and they respect the law uh the best thing is watching them grow and become parents themselves and see what they learn basically from you and um i've watched my son like i said i just a recent grandmother and i watch him how he handles his son and it's it seems like he's learned a lot from his foundation that he learned at home on how to handle his son to be responsible to go to work every day and he knows that hey i got a wife i have a son and it's my job to make sure that i keep a roof over their heads so it pays off and i i basically he treats her well um my mother was more stricter on me uh my my my parents um for some unknown reason i i guess because i my sister and i we're the girls they they weren't strict on the boys but they were more strict on the girls so they didn't let us go to a lot of places and then my parents also they weren't type that liked to travel and i used to look at them and say no i'm not gonna be like them i'm gonna travel i'm not gonna just stay home i i mean i mean there's nothing wrong with 'em because they found love at home and did things at home but they never really traveled anywhere and my mom used she was afraid of planes for one and i used to try to talk her into get on a plane and go somewhere and she said oh i'm gonna go here i'm going to go there but she never did she died she never did do do any travel so i've made up for her and uh i i want to do something different and that's to to travel more than and be more out there i was more of a social butterfly my mother was a not a social butterfly so i made up for it i think before i speak and then i am the type of person also to um i take on other people's feelings before i um blurt out the wrong thing i try to uh analyze the situation first before because sometimes you can put your open your mouth too soon and you can put yourself in something that you may not be able to get out of um it's probably something about my husband did oh he i know what it was it's about uh well probably over some construction new construction that my husband is working on on our house uh we had a disagreement on that um men have their own way of doing things and um i had told him not to use a certain uh eh person to work on our house but because of the personal relationship he has with this person he went on ahead and now he sees all the downfalls and he didn't listen and so i didn't say i told you so but i guess he can tell by my facial expression that uh he he'd have done wrong and i told him i said look you're losing money and it became one problem after another so now all the construction thing is up in the air right now 'cause he knows he has done wrong and uh but he doesn't wanna face the fact that well he knows it but he doesn't wanna really face the fact so he says look it's my project no it's our project so uh eh that that's one of the biggest arguments what we're having right now um that i can think of that's recent i felt that he he he didn't really listen to me and he more so looked at uh a cheaper economical way that he can get this done without going through the proper ways 'cause i told him that um you need to do your research i'm the type of person i do my research before i jump into something i i i try to dot my i's and cross my t's but my husband he's not like that he's like oh i can get this person can do this project for x amount of money and he's a good friend of mine so i don't care i mean is he licensed he doesn't look at all that stuff he's he just jumps into it which cost him some extra money unnecessary money that he spent when and then i mean it was a lot of money and so i was really very upset yesterday and i was very upset about it because it was just wasted money that we could've saved 'cause we wind up doing the same thing all over again and it didn't make any sense um i retired early um i was very fortunate to retire at age fifty i retired in two thousand and two i was working for the state of california um as a disability analyst and what happened was i was able the reason why i was able to retire so early because i'd been working since i was eighteen and i had like thirty one and a half years of service and what was so nice about it that only needed needed to vest in like ten years in my health insurance so i was able to get full health insurance but the only thing about it when you retire i was with calpirg and i don't know if you're familiar with calpirg but um we we have a excellent retirement system and since i had been working with them so long um i didn't get the full percentage i should've stayed 'til i was fifty five but i got out at fifty and i didn't get the full amount but that's okay um eh i i found myself going back doing a little part-time job because of the economical reason and then i have wantitis so um i think that was the kind of mistake i did i should've kinda waited 'til i was fifty five than fifty but i look at it now as far as the health insurance i really benefited because of the rising cost of the health insurance have went up and i don't i pay very little money so i think that over uh negates the uh uh uh the money that i receive um let me see the hardest it's probably when my mom died 'cause uh i'm not used to anybody dying and my mother um died in ninety nine of uh non-hodgkin lymphoma and i i xxx putting her funeral together um my brother and sister we never we would never face anybody dying or putting a funeral together and all the responsibility because i am the eldest it was put in me and i'm like oh my god what do i do xxx and so um i was kinda like left out there trying to find her insurance policy 'cause i had asked her to make sure she put everything in order and she never got to it so the hardest thing was going through her house and trying to get all the stuff together and finding things you know i myself i keep my things organized but um for some unknown reason she didn't have hers organized and i think that was the hardest and knowing how much i had to pay 'cause i had to come out of pocket on some of my stuff and unfortunately my mom this is interesting she had one little small barrel insurance but she had million dollar of accident insurance and she didn't die of course with with accident she had a medical condition so that was something so we had to pay for the whole just about everything yeah it was it was but and now i can handle i i i um this will sound weird but um since that i've learned from that so i have made it available for my children that my husband and i we got together and we wind up getting our insurance uh uh uh uh policy xxx not insurance policy but um what do you call the um barrel insurance we had that and it just we've had it for mm many many years so it's almost paid but xxx ten years it'll pay for everything um the plot and everything and uh another thing that i did i've even written my own obituary i know that sounds weird so my son make one phone call that's it i don't want them to go through what i went through and my husband agreed that's the one thing we did agree on and um he said he don't want anybody to to have any problem uh people coming in and telling 'em what to do it's already written we did a living trust i mean it's nothing they can do but make one phone call and that's it i have no problem sleeping i sleep very well pretty good um i've been a little tired but that's only because of physical condition um i have i found i have vitamin b deficiency and vitamin d xxx deficiency so it's more physical but not in the mental um exercise walk walking more so no not really no no i'm basically happily all the time i'm mm more so i'm making other people happy i get more phone calls of people want inspiration about things uh uh when they have projects they working on and i try to encourage them uh and it makes me feel good when they hang up and say you know hey i really appreciate your input um thanks and then they i'll i'll follow up on 'em and see how they're doing oh uh resource person i've been um described as a resource person from my supervisor to from my friends because i'm the type of person i research everything i get into just about i just don't xxx dive into any situation i try to look up information uh some i know we have the technology here uh that you can get everything on the internet but also go back to the old school like like even finding this place i mean i did the map google but also i love the thomas brother i'm never gonna give up my thomas brothers map yellow pages you'd be surprised i don't give up my yellow pages so there's certain little things that i don't really let go i know we have technology but sometimes you know you'd be surprised that you can go around and find a whole lot of stuff that even though technology gives you have it right at your finger but you can find things and and they say i'm more of a resource person and most people come to me just to to look up things and i get that that that spunk about it because i like to look for stuff and find it and that gives me satisfaction uh i wish i can uh um stop going up and down on my weight i'll lose weight i'll go on this big diet before the summertime and and then by christmas time i'm i have a what they call a yo-yo weight problem and if i can stop binging and making food my friend um i think that's just a nervous disorder i just i like to eat and um but also i don't like to be overweight either 'cause i have plenty of beautiful clothes at home and i can't get 'em xxx on right now so i know i say if i'm gonna go on this binge and try to lose weight for the summertime so i can get into those some nice clothes so it's mm mostly uh not happy with my weight that's it yeah i'm sorry didn't hear you um no not really i regret that i can't stay skinny i can't lose i mean i can lose the weight but i i regret not being able to keep it i i fall back on putting the weight back on um let's see xxx ten or twenty years ago mm i would've saved a little bit more money before i retired and uh xxx uh basically um putting away more money before i retire instead of retiring too early most proudest is of my life um meeting a lot of people that came in my life uh i got good friends i still have fifteen of the best friends that i went to elementary school and in very rare you could find anybody can walk around and say they have the same fifteen group of friends we were in a sorority together went to college together lived in the same neighborhood and matter of fact we just had um well all of us had our sixty year birthday and our our high school group we put together a sixty year birthday reunion and here all fifteen of us with exception of one we're all alive and healthy and we keep in contact so i think uh it's basically keeping the same friends i think eh we're gonna probably outlive each other okay you're welcome bye bye,0 +440, yes i'm okay thank you um i was born in east los angeles and yes um the freedom to explore outdoors and with different um weather temperature you know with weather temperature and climates to go skiing or to the beach maybe in the same day i like that um mm i think probably the overcrowding um and the smog mm not not frequently but i have meeting other people and learning about their environment and their cultures sure um the last trip i've taken outside of here was to italy and um that was my second time being there and i enjoyed it more this time because um i knew what i wanted to see when i came back and um and i was better prepared for italians and their culture i felt i wasn't as uh you know i was just better prepared i thought for that trip um that would be um being in the countryside and seeing a very tiny house in the midst of acres and acres and acres of grapes was just magnificent um human development um i actually didn't decide at first to do that i started school with the intent of being a lactation consultant and um i went to a program in which you could get a degree as well as get your license to become a lactation consultant and through the process i learned that um i had to do a long internship without pay and at the time and i miss i had a family so i had to make a different a career choice quickly and um so the college offered human development as a major and i um just went right in and used my used used my units that i had already acquired towards that particular major and and i'm happy with it um currently no i stay at home i have a little one uh well he's not so little i'm preparing to go back to work um in the meantime i design jewelry well i have three children um i have a almost four year old and then i have two older children seventeen and twenty three no um that your children the the love from them and for them is unconditional all the stages that they go through they're stages all the time for every age and then everybody in my household is all different because they're different ages so um i think i'm probably more in tune with those different stages that's why it makes me crazy um and i think that my parents the time that my parents were parents it was just kinda like you know is she fed is she dressed she has a house i mean a roof over her head and we're doing great as parents and we love her and so it wasn't um there wasn't too much i felt that that parents thought about in terms of that in terms of parenting in that way and like today you know there's books for every age every year month you know and um so i think it difference differs in that way tremendously very close outgoing mm i don't i don't um feel uninhibited uninhibited i feel a little you know confident to talk to people i probably talk more than i need to um i bead i do i design jewelry that's what i do to relax i'm pretty good i i well i think i um try not to not to um feel or let others know what my emotions are when i'm upset um which is not good 'cause if i don't do anything with them then i know that at some point it's gonna come out and um yeah that that's uh something i have to work on like exercising or something um it was my husband and it was about um he asked me whether i thought about cheating ever in our marriage on him uh really tired of talking about that same topic um well it came it spawned from from a client of my husband's who's a female and she shared with him that she'd been cheating on her husband for like a year because she resented him for many things and um and so he took that information and came home and decided to ask me if i ever thought about it and what made me think about cheating and he knows that i've been resentful of him and did that make me feel like it did that make me want to cheat or did i think about cheating and um i we've had this conversation a lot of times and uh i mean not just that but i don't know just about cheating in general and um so i just said what i normally said normally say is that i haven't um cheated and that i did think about that when we were first together and uh but it was just a mere thought and um and then his response was i know that if we cheated on each other we would never tell one another and that just kinda i guess irritated me i was really bothered by that and i just started thinking you know we're having this conversation yet again and why are we having this conversation are you the one that's cheating and so that's how that that went into that um argument i mean it wasn't ayelling yelling i mean it was part conversation and part texting um not talking at all um mm pretty much any situation that involves my children and if i've yelled because i really don't like if i came to the point where i've had more of yelled it bothers me because um i was yelled at a lot and i just feel bad about that and i try really hard to not handle any kind of situation that involves my children no matter how upset i might get and result in in yelling hmm that would probably be whether to keep a pregnancy or not yeah yeah i um i was just talking about it yesterday actually and um oh i was pregnant and i had wanted i wasn't married yet and i had wanted to be married and but i just didn't think that i it was the right time for me and um i had pretty much made up my mind that i was not going to keep that pregnancy but i made the decision by myself and when my partner found uh discovered that i was pregnant he said that he very much wanted to have a child and wanted to marry me and so that decision was quite hard because i felt obligated to do so and felt super guilty to not and oops and uh this is on correctly um hang on this ear piece is falling there we go that was probably the hardest decision actually you know what no i wouldn't say that's the hardest decision i ever had to make i'm sorry the hardest decision that i had to make in my life was whether or not um the hospital should um unplug the life or um life support machine for my father or not that was the hardest decision um because i knew that the quality of life he wanted for himself was more than that and to have been um to resort to the situation that he was in not capable of doing anything at all either speaking for himself um was beyond it who he was and i just couldn't see him like that anymore and he would be a vegetable i was told so i agreed to um resort that not hardly ever too many things running on my mind um and pretty much um mostly on the weekends because my older kids are out and about with their friends uh even though i know that they're gonna come i mean i'm constantly worried about uh how they are when they come home and so i really can't fall asleep on the weekends most of the time but um and you sometimes it's just been so many days of not getting a good night's sleep i'm just exhausted exhausted i pass out but it's hard very stressed mm my son is is um has been uh in dealing with some legal issues and um currently is incarcerated and uh it's been really hard yes i've been probably very short moody irritable well i often think about a lot of things that aren't even happening my mind just goes from one point a to point b and i don't even know how i got there um you know it's interesting uh yeah no yes about three years ago um my um o_b_g suggested i i uh see a psychiatrist yes well um i've in the process of changing therapists so it's been about because the program that i was in um lost funding and i lost my therapist or the therapist that i was working with and so it's been about two months maybe three now and um but i did notice when i was in therapy um that it was just an intricate part of my my life my week to see my therapist um it really helped me cope um when i picked up my son up from um when he was released from um jail um a go getter uh probably you know uh she would use the term hustler but meaning that i'll i'm not afraid to do a lot of different kinds of jobs to do what i need to do to support my family i mean you know legally of course um outgoing um maybe sometimes a little too for too outgoing for her um and compassionate sensitive loyal mm all the things that remind me of my mother well yelling the yelling part was one um just just the little things that used to drive me so crazy i see can see myself doing them and it bothers me a lot regarding what mm um not too much really i don't know to go to college right after high school and not wait um and that i didn't really need to be in a relationship to be happy or that you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy that you can certainly be successful and not in a relationship and still be happy and live life um what did i do mm i visited my son yesterday and that was really good yeah i was happy that he was safe um my children and uh my accomplishments in um school and work bye,1 +441, and going to movies rude people scary people it's violent yes experiencing different things seeing different cultures well i was stationed in germany for three years it was a great experience food was great bavarian alps the snow the people i loved it having a baby well it was just the most memorable thing in my life something i'll never forget great one son grown handsome father of two no it's actually very hard for me not becoming angry too quickly being able to cultivate a mind love someone unconditionally well i went through a lot of trauma as a child so as a parent i was very afraid for my child to go through that same trauma tried to protect him from it i think it's really hard 'cause you never really know people what they'll do outgoing because if i'm in a room with people i'm usually the first one to start talking as a matter of fact i have fish aquarium that's what keeps me calm not very good seems like everyday i argue with somebody about something but yesterday um a lady tried to cut line in the grocery store and i politely told her i was in line and she didn't wanna move yes it has because sometimes if people don't want to move then i feel it's my place to move them hurting people physically uh if i feel disrespected or somebody puts their hands on me i can get very ugly i don't like that about me um i was pulled over by the police and they had uh someone with my name and they were very rude to me and i really wasn't happy with the way they treated me um how to stay calm when someone has crossed over into my boundary my personal space i can't let people get too close to me if they do i i lash out i don't want anybody in my area of protection i guess stay away from people stay away from it's hard you can't live in this world without other people sometimes they just irritate the heck out of me being assaulted in the military is something i wish i could forget just that i felt helpless alone ashamed and angry that's about all i wanna go into eighteen yeah very young no because i was assaulted and and i have a fear of people in uniform like the policemen hurting me or um other military veterans hurting me when they explode or go off or have issues of p_t_s_d i can't remember i worked for the federal government well it just seemed like a normal progression um federal government gives you ten points preference over other people for being in the military so it seemed like a natural choice a organization that had a book of rules and they followed them the government one government to another yes well it was hard in the sense that in the military you're given um you're told to handle it handle it and in the civilian world you have to go through so many hoops and different people to talk to to get something done administration of justice no um i don't work anymore oh yeah almost two years the feeling that i was always gonna be hurt that someone was out to get me i had nightmares panic attacks anxiety attacks outburts outburts of anger i was always in emotional pain and i always wanted to hit somebody yes mostly disrespect but i feel it's disrespect of people getting too close to me or i feel in fear of them for some reason i can't remember the last time i had a good night's sleep what irritable angry moody pissed off irrational tired sick of the world angry at the world wanting to be left alone sometimes i don't wanna go on yes oh yeah oh yeah well i i could recognize a trigger now when something is gonna trigger me i can at least know and uh act accordingly if i want to when i saw my grandchildren when they came to visit they're just so innocent and sweet and precious it was just a joy to have them around they make me forget about all the pain in life planting seeds for some vegetables making a garden i read somewhere that it's calming and soothing to work with your hands and dirt so i decided to find out plant something and watch it grow sitting on the beach looking facing the water thinking talking to god wishing i were somewhere else like hawaii penthouse over maui that i could trust people that i wouldn't lash out at them that i could sleep at night crazy hot headed emotional being in the wrong place at the wrong time don't trust anyone be careful be wary of people and what they want from you my son my grandchildren i don't have a a real family i don't haven't seen my brothers in like twenty thirty years i only have two brothers and i don't haven't seen them my mother's family i haven't seen in years my father's family i haven't seen in years my parents are dead my son lives in another state wow some of the older people that i give care to sometimes i'm a caregiver so sometimes the people that i work with older and wiser i'm loyal spiritual supportive kind generous bye,1 +442, sure in a day uh pretty well except for drab weather originally i'm from detroit michigan yes uh back in the eighties yeah uh it's been a while the last time uh it's been about five years uh not even close uh more setback uh out here it's you know you have the weather that's that's that's prominent prominent reason for coming is the weather it does uh well maybe better opportunities uh and the weather yes it took a minute uh had to adjust to the uh different attitudes of the people the surroundings the locations and the vast area that someone had to cover to get to one spot to another um well the weather uh for one the never end uh uh uh it never snows in in southern california uh two uh the prospects of uh uh starting out a business or becoming uh self-employed and doing what i like to do the people they're not friendly for no no one's friendly out here you know uh back east and i'm from uh i was raised in the south where everybody is uh cordial friendly hi when you pass in the streets out here people think that you have uh uh some agenda just for saying hello in passing so that's what i don't like about l_a used to uh i used to be on the road a lot i was a a truck driver and plus uh a entertainment uh coach driver for several uh motown bands back in the day so yeah so i'm used to traveling yes yeah well this is a beautiful this is actually a beautiful country so just viewing uh uh the countryside uh visiting different towns different cultures uh different towns uh and seeing how basically how the rest of the uh the country uh uh lives uh some not so good some bad uh and some good um let's see denver colorado i lived in denver for a couple years which is uh really a great uh uh city uh and then i lived in uh atlanta which is uh uh really a great state where is you know you have the southern attitude a southern attitude southern attitude which is everybody's friendly and gets along and and let's see i've been back and forth across this country at least sixteen to twenty times so yeah it's it's been it's been it's been an adventure uh arkansas little rock where i had to get into a uh you might wanna say a a altercation with the rednecks down there because as as you know um i'm african american and down there they're very prejudiced you know they're the uh uh southern uh uh uh which what were the rebels uh not rebels but uh what were they uh confederates they still have this uh uh tendency of thinking blacks or any other culture besides whites aren't uh valuable people yeah so it i had a incident down there where it actually turned into a shoot out but i'm okay a little of both it it depends on it depends on the time on the period it depends on what mood i'm in at the time you know i can be outgoing 'cause i do uh like to go to nightclubs and listen to live music live bands and i know like i said i uh i did some entertainment before so at clubs i'm more outgoing in social events more shy meditate very good very good because uh if i let my temper get the best of me i uh tend to um cause more harm than good you know uh harm to the person harm to myself by you know uh physical altercations or um going to jail and so yeah i'm very good at uh controlling my emotions my temper good question uh okay girlfriend uh we just recently broke up about two three weeks ago because of a argument about what she thought she could do and what i know she couldn't do and she wanted to do it anyway so uh that led to a argument and the argument ended in us breaking up so yeah it was emotional uh but um i'm fifty five and it's not my first break up so i just take it in stride and and move on uh well it's it's probably it's no one no no situation actually can be i feel uh at the time when you when you deal with a situation at any particular time there's probably always a better way to handle it after the fact but uh i would say back in the day back in the eighties when me and my wife broke up i think i could've handled that one better because i was younger more hot tempered and more irrational so i could've handled that one better yes what the uh uh the way i broke the way i handled that situation well like i said uh being young and and inexperienced and and emotions and and attitudes and uh not being able to communicate with another person on the level of of understanding hmm leaving home well it was like what can i say it was about one o'clock two o'clock in the morning and i just decided to pack up and and and leave uh without letting anyone know that i was leaving that was like one of the hardest decisions i've had to make sketchy loving but sketchy uh my family's in detroit and atlanta georgia i'm in california l_a i have no one out here so uh i'm basically on my own and i've been on my own for a long time so uh we communiate and we talk and send christmas cards thanksgiving cards you know and in that factor but uh as far as uh family it's it's it's sketchy no one hm uh i don't know uh most things that that i don't wanna remember i don't so and i have erased a lot of things from my memory or uh placed them in a closet which i can't open anymore to to remember that so but the most thing that i can say is uh uh i won't go into detail on it but a incident where it caused great bodily harm to a person in the last two weeks uh with the i've had uh this hearburn problem so in the last two weeks it's been really difficult for me to get uh some sleep 'cause i have a i have uh in my pocket right now i have a a jar of tums it's keeping me pretty uh sedated right now irritable um anxious um need to get things done uh and i feel like uh i have uh people and things that's against me and trying to block everything that i'm doing to succeed and that's been a great uh disturbance to me yes it is but you know like i said i take everything it with a grain of salt and i keep pushing because uh you can't stay mad or vengeful at any one person or any one thing too long because it doesn't accomplish anything so i have to keep pushing uh no basically i'm still still the same i just just keep my thoughts uh i keep my ideas that i need to do uh and try to accomplish uh uh what i need to uh uh accomplish post mm traumatic stress uh no uh uh yes uh back in uh oh nine two thousand nine um crying a lot uh not trusting uh suspiciousness of other people uh so what uh and i was uh recommended uh and referred to a medical uh uh um mental health uh facility for treatment off and on yes when i feel depressed and feel anxiety building up in me uh yes i still have treatment yes because i get a chance to express uh some of the things that i normally don't express and i can i can like blow off steam or uh blow off the anxiety part of uh my depression hmm well i don't know uh really really happy um oh when uh well i was really really happy when my uh the girl that i just broke up with came from upstate for us to be together that's when i was really really happy and then that turned around within two weeks but at that point in time when that happened i was really really happy witty um witty um informative informative um um social uh i basically everybody say i need i should've became a counselor because i'm very enlightened in a lot of life's uh problems so uh my friends would describe me as helpful probably education more education not raising my sons well uh my son my my sons were young in age when me and my wife broke up out here and she moved and remarried and she has the she has the boys with her and they took on the new husband's name and i wasn't able to raise them like i would've wanted them raised patience more patience being more acceptable of other ideas and other people's opinions hmm there's nothing basically at home watching movies to myself i'm a loner my sons you're welcome see you later do i push the button now why aren't you married,0 +443, sure good indiana um the weather i like the weather uh never um didn't wanna get back into the old groove i took some time took a long time took a few years yeah um it doesn't get very cold um i'm more comfortable with the uh environment than the midwest uh the smog uh the crowds um the dirt um mm the hustle yeah no no i haven't for a while uh money takes uh takes a lot of money or credit cards yeah uh just the basics i didn't go very long just uh dream uh my dream job is um some developing land yeah building high-rise buildings probably in the middle uh well i'm not real shy uh and i'm not really outgoing so i'd say uh fifty fifty uh i usually walk walk around the neighborhood or uh listen to music uh above average uh with someone uh hmm it's been awhile eh i think it was about very little uh i don't remember the exact time but it's it was uh something very little uh xxx um ba ba ba just uh instead of getting uh angry just uh ignoring people ignoring them mm guess it's fifty fifty sometimes uh what do i feel guilty about can't think of anything right now uh what could i erase let's see um a career choice that i made years ago uh i got into the transportation business i went to school and then got employed and then i stayed with it for a few years dream job is um developing land construction high-rise building hardest decision you ever had to make hmm can't think of one um not much of one to speak of it's kinda distant mm yeah we don't we talk couple times a year that's about it uh not many people mm good night's sleep yeah uh i'd say uh eh it's off and on uh tired uh kind of uh mm ouch kinda like um here and there looking searching yeah looking for a job looking for employment employment hmm not too much no no no oh i had a dream a few days weeks ago a few days ago and i was really happy in the dream yeah uh i don't remember the dream it was um not sure what it was about uh don't do too much uh go to the library uh park not too much yeah i don't have any best qualities uh good listener mm my penis size mm don't remember yeah there's there's a few things yep uh i regret uh um what do i regret uh can't think of anything in particular there's probably a list somewhere to uh to uh meditate more uh uh smelly people they stink music comedies funny movies hmm uh really enjoyed wow hasn't been too much of that listen to music mostly uh yesterday very little goodbye,0 +444, yes i'm fine i'm doing very well today i feel good today uh born in indiana mhm grew up in bloomington i moved to l_a for a job working with the c_d_c i've only been back twice in the past twenty years um my family is not there anymore uh i went back for high school reunions it's much greener it's very green uh very small um uh very um wooded areas that's where i played in the woods when i was a a kid we'd swim in the quarries um i rode my bicycle everywhere and here it's a little um more uh cement and traffic um it was it just seemed like cement at first but i love it now and i have friends and i i love being able to do so many different things um and i go to the beach a lot um i still go up to the mountains i go camping all the time um so i i love it i love it always opportunities um i have traveled quite a bit i was in the peace corps and i was um in south america i was in paraguay for three years and i traveled all through south america brazil peru uh peru chile bolivia um i also spent a year in london traveled all through europe and i used to go to canada often uh i'd love to get to asia one of these days uh meeting new people the food i love trying new food um and just getting a different perspective on the world and different people's um outlook on the world and because america tends to become isolated um i hiked the inca trail when i was in um uh peru and that was a five day hike starting out of cusco um we hiked for um i think what four or five days um and woke up one the last morning at the sun gate of machu picchu and that was just an most amazing experience 'cause i would only i'd i'd seen about i'd seen it in national geographic you know all my life um so to be there and experience that was phenomenal philosophy i have my degree in philosophy i minored in art well i started out in business and i got very disenchanted with it very quickly and so i decided to study what i wanted to study while i was in college and had the opportunity so that's what i wanted to do and everyone advised me against it because you can't get a job as a philosopher um but i had the idea of getting my philosophy degree then going to law school and being a professor of ethics um but that kind of fell apart and that's actually how i ended up joining the peace corps so it all worked out i'm sorry yeah mhm i'm i'm sorry my alarm's going off on my phone it'll die in a second okay i'm sorry it's still going sorry i turned off the phone but i forgot to turn off the alarm that should go okay what i'm sorry what was your question my dream job um gosh um writing um i've done a few um uh scripts uh some screeenplays with a friend of mine um but i don't really wanna do the hollywood thing um but writing and teaching and traveling if i could do that overseas so outgoing should i turn off my alarm it keeps going here oh i can't move okay i can't get to my purse okay i'm sorry yes i i turned off my phone but i didn't turn off the the alarm is like it's like i forgot it's my alarm to go to yoga class i'm terribly sorry about that okay sorry for the interruption um i have a actual fish tank um at my house and i i do the the same thing and i do that with my children when they get upset um the i sit them in front of the fish tank and it's very relaxing um i also try and meditate um i try and and just sit down and be quiet um and gather my thoughts um i like to read and um or sometimes i i walk or i'll take my dog for a walk i wish i could say i was good at it but usually i um i tend to have outbursts every once in a while um when things are getting too chaotic at my house um and i'm feeling very underappreciated i will have a burst of anger yeah my husband doesn't appreciate that um and i i i've never done it at work or in a social situation but at home with my family i've done it and then instead of um recognizing that i'm upset about it my husband tends to get mad at me for being mad and then that escalates and uh sometimes i just end up walking out the door or going to my room hmm i'm sorry um i i usually after i have an outburst and i isolate myself for a little bit i can come back relaxed and deal with the situation in a more calm manner um sometimes it's very hard but i i i've gotten to the point where i know just to stop and and get myself out of there and and go take some deep breaths um and then really try and figure out what i'm feeling why i'm being angry why why am i being um so tense and then be able to verbalize that um well i i it happens a few times when i start getting i've had a very tense day um and things haven't gone right um i tend to have outbursts in the kitchen while i'm making dinner and the kids are all home and they're asking me questions about their homework or they're turning on the t_v or and my husband's uh uh bothering me about things that i just don't need to think about right then and one time i just said okay everyone out of the kitchen leave me alone get out just let me finish dinner and nobody would and i just it just had more pressure building up and building up and i actually took one of the pots and just banged it against the stove really hard to just like get people to pay attention to what i was saying it actually made a dent in my stove um which is still there um so that that i i should have um walked out sooner and taken my deep breaths before i did that um it was probably when i was pregnant with my first child um i wasn't married um i had a very good friend um oh i was i was thirty two at the time so i was uh you know i wasn't young i think if i was younger i probably would have decided to have an abortion but at that point in my life i'm like okay i'm i'm going to have this um and i had um i i got pregnant by the man i actually married and still married to um but we'd only been dating like three months and i was living with a a good friend of mine who i had been in the peace corps with um and she and so i didn't know this guy very well um i didn't know if we could raise a child together i didn't know if i wanted to get married and raise a child with somebody else um and my friend suggested that we raise the child together um even suggested moving to costa rica to raise the child together um and uh so it was a lot of um huge decisions that were gonna determine the rest of my life um and i made the decision based on more common sense and practicality um but i don't regret that decision i think i made a good decision to marry my husband and raise our child um they're older now my uh my eldest is seventeen he is um at da vinci science uh school and he's very much into engineering he is getting his pilot's license uh which i'm very proud of him for um then my daughter is fifteen and she loves acting uh she um she has a boyfriend who um uh they see just once a week at church basically um and they text each other constantly um she's a very very typical fifteen year old and then i have a twelve year old he is extremely active and is in constant motion and is always making noises but i love him dearly um he is into rock climbing and there's a rock climbing gym near our house so he has a membership there so he goes over there and rock climbs almost on a daily basis no i find it extremely difficult i don't i wasn't my mother had a very difficult my dad died when i was young and um my mother kind of disconnected when that happened um so i didn't have a very warm or loving relationship with my mother or growing up and i basically raised myself i was um kind of on my own from a very young age um i mean she was at the house but really had no interaction with her so i really didn't have parenting skills that you know most people are are raised with um i know what not to do but sometimes it's very difficult and um i i see my friends that have you know these very innate parenting skills these very warm and you know they're making cookies and everything's organic and they knit everything and you know their house is always perfect um and it's like i i'm just not that person so i i i try and be i'm i i think i am a very good mother but i'm not um a typical mother i think i'm more um i'm more creative a lot of times i and we do a lot of things um but it's not a warm fuzzy cozy kind of thing actually when we go camping it's more i'm more homey when i go camping than i am at home i think i'm more tense when i'm at home but i'm trying to like through meditation and things of that sort i'm trying to become calmer and more patient i think my patience is what um i need to work on the most i'm a been an insomniac all my life i remember as a child laying in my bed watching the stars go across the my bedroom window and um i haven't slept well for a long time um but i realize that if i exercise and i do something with my brain intellectually during the day i have to be physically tired and intellectually tired to sleep well um and that's sometimes that's hard to do um and so a lot of times i stay i stay awake reading i'll read 'til midnight um and then i'll try and go to sleep um and usually i won't get back up even if i i'll wake up at three again and things of that sort but i'll try to go back to sleep yesterday i didn't feel so good i was um i think a lot of it has to depend on the weather and it was all cloudy and grey yesterday um 'cause i planned on planned on working on my garden and then i'm i'm building i'm making a butterfly garden in my front yard um so i had some more planting to do and i just couldn't didn't kind of feel like doing it um so i just sort of puddled about and wasted a lot of time yesterday but today i feel really good so i feel more positive i feel more energy so no no um i don't know i just got a new mattress actually that hasn't really helped me sleep but um it was really good because i needed one for a really long time and it i was just kind of excited about being delivered it delivered and and set up and and that sounds like sort of mundane um but it was you know just like i'm finally doing something positive 'cause it's it's something that i put off doing and put off doing and put off doing and it was like finally uh there and concrete and it's like okay i've done this task that i can check off my list um but also i took the kids camping over um spring break and uh we just had a fabulous time and we sat around telling stories and um around the camp fire and making s'mores and things like that and those kind of times make me very happy i don't know um i think she believes that i'm uh uh more intellectual and smarter than i think that i am at times so she comes to me with a lot of um issues uh she always she always solicits advice from me she thinks i give her good advice um and when she doesn't know what to do she'll she'll she'll ask me um and then sometimes she just calls me to run things by uh or just like to complain about because i'm sympathetic um or empathetic and uh i just i'm just there to listen and i don't need to give her any advice so i think a a good listener and good advice giver i procrastinate a lot um i start projects and i don't finish them uh so that's what i'm working on right now is finishing up a lot of projects that i've started over the past few months a lot of them are really creative projects and um i'm very enthusiastic about them when i when i start them and i'll get almost finished and then i don't know what happens i just completely lose interest um sometimes i think it's because i'm afraid to finish them which sounds a little strange but um i i'm working on that i'm trying to get those done oh gosh um not following through on the opportunities i had when i got out of the peace

    peace corps there was a lot of things that i could go into i could've gone to get my master's degree um with on a grant and things of that sort um but instead i got pregnant and got married and i had a wonderful job that i really liked and really enjoyed um but then when i got pregnant the second time it was right at a time where i had to fight for a directorship and i realized my limitations where i i couldn't be pregnant and have this child and and do everything i needed to do to get a directorship and so i really wish so i resigned um and i wish i had stuck with that um 'cause then i would have a have had a much more fulfilling and rewarding and solid career um not base decisions on emotions sometimes i um and not i i've had some really bad bosses um the jobs were wonderful um but my ego got in the way and i would've told myself to let go of that aspect of the job let go of the the egotistical reactions that i had to the bosses and concentrate on the job and doing that really well um my children actually um and also uh my peace corps experience was just phenomenal um and uh people are actually really interested in that and they were like an awe that they actually know someone who actually did that um so that that's i'm yeah i always when i was a little girl my neighbor was one of the first people to go into the peace corps when it first started and i always said oh i wanna do that one day i wanna do that one day i wanna do that one day and then finally i got to the point where so i'd i either had to shut up or do it um so that's that was one of my prouder experiences okay thank you bye,1 +445, yes i feel great i am from los angeles california um the weather the opportunity and the ocean it's overcrowded overpriced and somewhat dirty i have well it's nice to see other places in the world and to meet other people and cultures i worked on cruise ships as a musical entertainer and traveled to alaska the aleutian islands korea japan and the caribbean islands um being in galena alaska and being on a small airplane and traveling in a snow storm and surviving like i was on the edge of death and life but i lived the arts and business i don't know i was attracted to the arts at a young age and business went along with it yes yes to be able to entertain people and make them feel emotions and make enough money to have a comfortable life more outgoing um i always feel i feel very confident with my thoughts and i like people to know what i have to say um i listen to music and i sit with my girlfriend and she calms me down when i'm stressed out i could work on that i'm not very good at that last night with my girlfriend she was asking my advice on something and as i was speaking to her she felt my tone of voice was too loud i was not angry but i was irritated that i was being told to quiet down when i didn't really wanna help i just wanted to relax i agree um sometimes when things don't go my way i get depressed or upset and i wish i could calm down and just realize that i should count my blessings and look at the bright side of everything no matter how bad things get always look at the bright side that's my goal it's been very difficult but i'm working on it and it seems to be getting a little easier well when i was taking care of my mother and she was dying of c_o_p_d and then it turned into lung cancer i chose not to tell her that her condition had worsened so she wouldn't be fearful and i had to sit knowing that her symptoms were getting worse but i couldn't tell her the truth and i let her think that everything was okay it was uh my mother being sick and dependent on oxygen for three years and me seeing her health decline that's what plagues me the most in my dreams and in my thoughts if i could erase that if that never happened i would feel better oh i don't know i try to uh be grateful i'm alive and try to focus on my own objectives and not dwell on the negative things of my memory my girlfriend she's a very good positive positive influence she wants me to be a better person she since i met her she's been trying to make me not be angry to make me not feel negative and to be a nurturing positive zen-like man so what she's asking for is something that's gonna make me improve therefore i must capitulate it's very easy i sleep well sometimes i wake up when i have nightmares about my mother or something but uh i go back to sleep that's unknown i don't know it just happens i've been feeling uh good eh the my reality is i've been hit with a lot of financial uh problems but i'm handling handling them well actually i've been looking at it as my girlfriend has told me that i need to do this so therefore it is on the forefront of my mind right now no no today when i woke up and it was a sunny beautiful day and i had a lot of goals to achieve and i'm achieving each one one by one it gives me a sense of accomplishment and happiness my ideal weekend would be playing music with my girlfriend as that's something we enjoy to do healthy going out to a nice dinner of healthy food and maybe exercising and feeling good with my body and mind and spirit uh probably as a strong-willed person with a big heart but has a short fuse and maybe complains about his own life too much i wish i could not complain about negative things that happen and learn to roll with the punches and always look at the bright side well one time i had a good friend tell me that one of the recordings i did he thought was horrible and then i felt it was the best thing i'd ever done so that and i would don't understand how anybody could could feel that way and i didn't know if it was from jealousy or it was an honest opinion evaluation so therefore i felt bad about that as it's my goal no nothing i regret i felt hmm ten or twenty years ago i don't know um well everything i do i enjoy it's hard to to pick out one exact event that i really enjoyed uh i don't know how to put one above the other when things don't go my way and finances xxx come down and i don't get jobs that i go for that i am qualified for but i feel i am not getting my fair chance at opportunity it's very frustrating i don't really feel guilty about things sometimes maybe if i'm angry and i shouldn't be i feel guilty about that i don't ever wanna be short with my girlfriend ever she wouldn't doesn't deserve somebody um using vulgar language or shouting or something so i don't wanna be that way around her so therefore that i am guilty my achievements of my abilities through my music and my other abilities that i have and of my hard work has paid off and uh i'm very proud of those okay thank you goodbye,0 +446, yes i'm wonderful how are you california mhm yes the weather is one of 'em uh the food um and the way uh everything is centrally located mhm the traffic the smog and um it's just gotten really really overcrowded um i wouldn't say a lot but i do try to um travel um at least once once or twice every two years um just exploring different things and being able to um have different experiences um things of that nature and you know learning new things and um just different cultures uh i like to um learn about different cultures and when you travel um you get a sense of um you know feedback from different cultures and different areas so i like that um well i just came from miami uh last year i went to miami for a week and a half and it was really nice the weather was great it was my first time going um and um the weather was wonderful the people are really nice and um it was really a great experience i went out there for um a particular event um they have um something every year um where everyone comes out from all over and uh you just kinda party and hang out and meet new people it was really fun um well from that trip i would say um swimming in the beautiful beautiful beautiful um miami beach waters was wonderful yeah it was um child development mhm well um i've always been interested in children um since i was younger um i babysat a lot so i had a lot of um experience with kids at a young age and as i grew older um i realized that it was something that i liked to do um so uh that's when i um looked into child development courses and i thought that it was something um like that i would enjoy enjoy doing so um i started taking classes and um the rest is history i am yes it's been um fifteen years in august yeah my dream job i would say um to become a principal well it's something that um i've thought about doing for a while now and um i've actually just began the steps to try to get that going so um i'm gonna be back in school and i'm gonna be taking courses um so that i can make that happen because it is a dream of mine yeah thank you um it's gonna be pretty difficult um there is uh several years of schooling that i have ahead of me and um you know it's definitely gonna be a challenge but it's something that i'm up for because it is a dream job of mine so it's something that i'm willing to i'm willing to do um a little bit of both i think a little bit of both i can be shy at times um and and outgoing as well um but i think a little bit of both i would say uh i meditate i i'm i'm a big big meditator so i love meditating i love just um reading and just having nice quiet peaceful time oh wow i'm very very good at that very good at controlling my temper i um again um a series of meditation that i do um it involves deep breathing and um just really centering yourself to where you can feel your heart beat and you can um really feel everything in your body and it really really allows you to de-stress and to control anxiety and anger and things of that nature yeah that helps me a lot oh wow it was just recently um actually unfortunately it was last week and it was with my husband and um it was about um just the way he responds sometimes to me uh it can be a little aggressive um and we're just trying to work with that because i don't respond well to aggression i totally tune out and um that's actually what happened so yeah that was it i felt very frustrated um and i actually felt angered too um but more frustrated and i felt saddened too because i don't like arguing so it was a little bit of all those emotions at one time uh a situation which i wish i would've handled differently honestly i haven't had a situation like that in in years i've pretty much kind of um you know kind of mastered my responses um to certain um stimuli i've kinda got that down the hardest decision i've ever had to make well it was when i was sixteen years old and i became a teenage um mother i was pregnant at sixteen and um i had um a lot of pressure from family to um give my child up for adoption or to um abort and i chose life so that was that was one of the hardest decisions if not the hardest decisions to make as a sixteen year old teenage um teenager just whether i wanted to continue to be a kid and a teenager or whether i wanted to embark on raising a life um when i was just a child myself so that i think was the hardest decision i had to make um well i mean um my son is almost nineteen now so it's nineteen years later and um i actually um am so glad it was one of the best things that i ever did by not choosing to abort him and choosing being pro-life pro-choice pro-life and um eh i i have not regretted the decision um that's my only child and i love him he is just a blessing he's just a blessing and i feel very special to be his mom i do yeah um no it's it's not easy uh it definitely um has it's difficulties um just as anything um but at the end of the day it is really rewarding um and you just get to see the life that you brought into the world and that you've raised become a productive citizen and go out into society and just start making their way and it's really rewarding it really is oh wow so many ways um the first way uh the first way is i actually listen to my son and i um accept his feedback even if i don't like it and i um allow him to express his self fortunately unfortunately when i was little um there was not a lot of um conversation from parent to child um it was more like we were just told you know what to do and we did it um and with my son i give him options i allow him to express his self i allow him to give me feedback um negative or positive because i feel that it's really important for a child to develop their voice at a young age and um as parents you have to be supportive and that and kind of um make sure that you nurture that um because that's kind of um the way that they develop you know and it's really really important so i'm different in um in a lot of ways in that rite thank you um well it depends um sometimes it it really depends it depends on the time that i go to sleep it depends on the time that i woke up so it's a lot of factors um i can't just give you one answer um i would say that it varies sometimes i can go to sleep um and fall asleep right away and other times i can go to sleep and it might take awhile to actually fall asleep so it varies i've been feeling great lately i i really have been um i can't um say that like i said the last week didn't affect me um you know the argument with my husband but other than that i i've been feeling really good no i haven't no i have not you know what honestly i feel happy every day you know every day i wake up i'm happy because that is a chance for me to take advantage carpe diem seize the day so um i feel blessed every morning i wake up it's a blessing you know because i realize that some people did not wake up some people are homeless some people are going through so many situations that are really disheartening and that's not me so i feel really really blessed every day thank you um as um nurturing patient loving friendly um kind of reserved um well i wish that i had um already completed college and had my master's degree and sometimes i wish i was a little bit more knowledgeable in certain subjects and um i can change if i can change anything i would change that those two things and also i would be um a little bit more outgoing and less of an introvert you know what no regrets no regrets um you live and learn um nothing is perfect um everything that i've gone through has made me the person that i am today so i wouldn't change anything because i'm happy with the person that i am today oh man to stay in school to stay in school and to get your education and put that first and foremost before a relationship even before your career um i really really uh would would've told myself um to stay focused and to get a great education i'm most proud of um where i've come from um as a teenage mother um being a statistic and actually changing that being on my same i've had my uh same job for fifteen years now i'm really proud of that i've been married for thirteen years i'm really proud of that happily married um to my best friend and my soulmate nothing's perfect but um he's my best friend and i love him and i'm also proud of my son um being the mother that i am and the son that i've raised i'm proud of the job that i've done and i'm um i really um applaud myself for that you're welcome you were wonderful thank you buh bye,0 +447, yeah that's perfectly fine i'm feeling great uh it's an early morning i don't have school i'm excited uh born and raised in los angeles california mhm uh the fact that you can surf snowboard and like do two drastically different things in one day uh coming from the neighborhoods i've lived in uh i'd say the population of uh lower socio economic backgrounds it it's like a cesspool almost for young african americans and it sucks uh not really i've been to new york connecticut mexico and texas but pretty young hmm uh mostly if i'm traveling by plane just the sight and the air is amazing it's remarkable uh the first time i went to new york i was about eleven years old and i made sure i got the the window seat on the plane and just the feeling of taking off is just exhilarating but uh we left um at night here in l_a and it was the next day in new york so it was kind of confusing getting used to the time change the first thing i remember doing was uh getting a slice of new york pizza it was it was delicious yep scrubbed_entry graduating with a bachelor's degree in communications so i can go into the military as an officer actually it's like what i don't know it's like you gotta have a plan and that's the only thing that's just fallen into place and it seems like it's going to fall into place for me hmm to be honest a job that doesn't exist it's however you can get paid to do nothing yeah but uh probably i was just definitely shy as a kid but i've grown into myself through the experience of college so i'm way more outspoken uh i write music and i work out mostly so if i'm feeling stressed out i just do a set of push ups and lift some weights i'm pretty good um i saw a therapist when i was a kid for about a year and uh i don't know it it taught me to just be able to control my emotions and i don't think i do it in the best way because when i'm angry i do decide to like just bottle the my emotions in instead of letting them out in their appropriate outlets uh not really it's been more of uh an interpersonal thing that's i don't i don't know probably yesterday something in regards to sports the playoffs are on so things like that of that nature um hm so many um i guess in my senior year of high school i waited to the last minute to apply for the u_c schools and it was unsuccessful because i didn't get to turn in the applications and i'm pretty sure i would've been admitted so it sucks but hey that is an intriguing question um i've actually no clue the death of my grandmother sure um my grandmother died when i was eleven years old she raised me from the time i was born because my mother was unable to take care of me she raised my sister my brother and my cousin as well and her five children so she was the matriarch of our family and the closest thing i've had to a mother and it was it was tough but um it's gonna be seven years this may next on the thirtieth and uh i've grown quite a bit no more tears uh i'm a foster kid so i was emancipated from the foster program uh about two years ago now but um my immediate family i'm pretty close with them and i see them as much as i can and uh my foster family they're awesome i've known them since i was five so it's been pretty cool fairly easy i fall asleep pretty quick it's not a problem except for when my back's hurting you know then it's a problem mm a little moody in the morning i guess i drive more aggressively uh a little stressed about a few problems that i can take care of but i shouldn't stress because i either can do something about it or i can't and that's just the way things work uh sure um hm hm uh i have uh a few parking ticket not parking tickets they're not moving violations but they're tickets and i was unaware of if you miss court without being in the hospital or being in jail that you couldn't be excused from not making making your court date so i had three failure to appears in court which sucked tickets that are thousands of dollars and i have no money so i don't know it's it's pretty tough to deal with when you're trying to make something out of your life but there're so many barriers and obstacles that like you have you didn't forsee so i don't know it gets stressful at times and yeah thinking about it for periods of time some days i just sit and i'm just lost in my thoughts and i don't really communicate to anyone because there's nothing anybody can do for me really so i i just bottle it up like i do everything not very after doing it for so long it becomes a natural thing i i i believe no no hm really happy oh why is that such a difficult question uh mm i don't know i'm pretty content with everything right now i don't know about extreme happiness every day is just the same day seems like uh dunking across the street at the clippers center there's a basketball court there and uh i've been working on it for a while and i finally got up yeah mm i have four close friends that i've known for over uh eight years uh each and i don't know studious hardworking determined mm i don't know yeah mm probably my metabolism which i don't really have control over is uh i don't know i'm pretty content with myself hmm i think in uh my sixth grade year of uh uh grade school i was uh i wasn't the best of students but i had a teacher who was diligent and like he failed me through the whole year but i i learned a lot and uh i developed a passion for school afterwards so it was like a situation i overcome after feeling so bad and down uh the same teacher who made me feel really bad actually because if it wasn't for his like sterness i don't think i would've getting the discipline to be where i am at now in college and stuff so he's been pretty influential uh i remember this time i was in the desert or uh uh up in joshua tree with my best friend and his dad and we actually got stuck in the mountains and like we went down a gully and then his jeep wouldn't get over a rock so it was it was pretty yeah it was it was um it was kinda weird i i thought i was superman i tried to move a rock that was thousands of pounds didn't work but yeah we eventually got out we thought we were gonna be stuck in the desert but it was a fun time i got to drive in the desert when i didn't have my license so it was fun yeah about that day or in general mm other than like the u_c thing like where i didn't apply to the schools in time i regret that yeah hm i don't know i was i was ten years old ten years ago uh i'd probably say to myself uh i i have no clue that's that's an interesting question uh being the first from my immediate college uh immediate family as in my mother my brothers and my sister to go to college so yes it's it's pretty in yeah no problem,0 +448, yes doing pretty good oh i was born in uh brooklyn new york i came out here when i was seven and i've been here ever since uh i don't consider myself anything but a californian uh i'm a welder um i just i don't know something about it making and um building things and repairing things that intrigued me and uh uh i was actually pretty good at it so i stuck with it and and that's my profession gee i really never had that i've just uh kind of always uh hoped that i would have a job that could support myself and my family and uh i was satisfied with that well uh i just recently lost my uncle and uh he raised me since i was seven years old and uh other than my wife i don't have any more family um he passed away last uh july and uh i'm starting to get over it um i knew the day would come but he was my last living relative so i've been depressed about that and uh uh but i'm doing better it depends on the atmosphere um if i'm around people that i don't feel comfortable with i'm kinda reserved but uh if i'm comfortable and uh i feel like i fit in well i'm outgoing right i enjoy old movies uh old uh well it's called film noir and uh i love those old black and white movies and i get on netflix or amazon and i try to pick a movie that's uh from back then people were different than they uh i don't know it's just a different era and i enjoy it well my wife says uh i probably not as good as i think i do but uh i've got to admit sometimes i lose my temper and it is according to her over things that i shouldn't be losing my temper about but um i'm working on it and uh i have basically had this problem ever since i was a young child oh yes uh i've uh been in and out of trouble with the law when i was much younger i'm i'm passed that point now but uh you know when you're young you think you know everything and uh you know you're never gonna get old and the future doesn't matter but uh it does matter because everthing that you do when you're young uh follows you for the rest of your life and i don't regret things that i've done but if i could go back i definitely would make different choices uh me and my wife we we we don't argue we disagree and it's she's very strong willed and she's a match for me so uh we go back and forth but you know we don't get violent and we don't uh uh say meanful things or hurt each other we're just she is a determined strong willed woman and i am who i am so we kinda go back and forth and lately i have been the one to bow down and be the one to lower the threshold of the argument because uh in the long run it's just her and me and there's nobody else more important to me um when i was younger i wish that uh i didn't follow some of the people that i followed and what i mean by that is you know running in a circle with certain people and having an ego bigger than my common sense and um that's what got me into trouble i was an only child and uh i kind of enjoyed being the center of attention and um getting the girls to laugh or having people mm think i was you know cool or whatever you wouldn't think that now i'm kinda overweight and balding but when i was in my twenties i was a a completely different person and if i would've had some brothers and sisters i may not have thought or acted that way but i was an only child so i you know ran where people thought i was cool and that got me into trouble hardest decision i ever had to make was giving the authorization to um have my uncle pass away he was on life support and his kidneys had failed and um doctors said there was nothing more he could do and to not have him go through any suffering to let him slip away and as you can see i get very upset my uncle raised me like his own son and never let me down and he's gone and for lack of a better word to push the button i never thought i would have to do that but as i said i'm getting over it and um things are getting better slowly my wife she is uh always there for me she will always surprise me we she's not my wife she's my best friend and she knows me better than i know myself um we enjoy uh uh doing simple things it's not that we can't do other things if we wanted to but we mesh um we enjoy each other's company uh we like the same things and uh we you know occasionally go out and do something together but we we just enjoy each other's company and she like i say knows me better than anybody and um it surprises me sometimes mhm you know lately well i can't say lately if i don't excuse me if i don't do a rigorous activity or something that really uh stresses me or strains my body it it let's say for a couple of days i'm just very relaxed and you know not doing much i i just automatically get up after four and a half five hours i mean and you know my wife will say you know guy you're not getting any sleep but i mean i don't feel tired i don't feel exhausted i don't feel like i need to go back to sleep i'll stay up all day and i'm fine and most people would say that's not enough sleep but you know for me i'm it doesn't affect me well i wish some things could be different but uh i'm not dissatisfied um uh i'm happy with my life uh there there uh like with anybody else there's a few things that i wish were different and i think that's in anybody everybody else's uh you know life but um i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm content yeah i feel a little less motivated um recently well i can't say recently this was back in january um my wife and a few uh friends were noticing that i was um becoming forgetful and i i couldn't remember things i i didn't see it and um you know when they when everybody brought it to my attention then i started to but anyway i went to the doctor and um they gave me the tests and apparently i have m_c_i which is mild cognitive impairment and uh i've over the last month or so nobody has mentioned it to me i mean maybe i'm getting better but the neurologist that i saw is having me come back in a year and gonna retest me um hopefully it's not the beginning stages of alzheimer's i'm still a little young for that i'm only fifty fifty two but um i was diagnosed with uh mild cognitive impairment and uh it it could've been due also i was told by him uh because of the death of my uncle i could've been pretty depressed i was not able to retain things and so well i'm going back in a year and we'll see if uh i'm any better i'm sorry i'm not understanding you i'm sorry how i was in a um in a state of mind of of where i was just going to get myself in trouble and and not benefit anything if i didn't seek any help um i was diagnosed with uh depression and anxiety disorder uh worrying and thinking too much about things and uh thinking the worst and uh i i take medication for that uh well well you know it's not really therapy it's you know every uh few months you know you gotta see the doctor are you doing fine everything good and you know they just refill your prescription it's you know it it's you know kinda like the next person next person it it's i i'm with kaiser so it's it's they'll talk to you but it they give you the impression that um you know i i okay let's move along you know they they'll they'll hear your explanation but you know it it they don't have all the time for you that you may want so i i i i'm doing fine now if i really needed help i would i would do something the medication works for me last time i felt real happy well it would depend on what the event is i'm always happy when i'm doing something with me and my wife and we're enjoying each other and i you know i'm not trying to sound like she's my whole world and i don't have anything else she is my world but um i i i enjoy being with her and we're we we do things together and i i i'm happy all the time when when we're doing that um when i'm outside of that circle i i i don't know if this sounds right but i'm not seeking happiness i i can only explain it as i'm content i'm not um i i'm not disappointed or i'm not uh wanting anything i'm you know whatever comes my way is fine so well um i don't know i i couldn't give you that answer um well my best friend is my wife but uh she would um describe me as uh i don't think before i speak um i um let the littlest insignificant things bother me and i get angry over but the big things it's like i let it go and she's bewildered by that um uh years and years ago um she i had a uh classic uh pontiac lemans and she had gotten into a minor fender bender and she thought it was gonna be the end of the world 'cause that was my baby and i you know hey don't worry we'll get it fixed and she was she thought that i was gonna hang her or something you know because that was my this was you know that was my baby and uh she goes you know you you get excited over nothing but you know i something like wrecking your car that you love and you've put so many hours of work into it and money you know it gets crashed and it's like you don't care so that's the only way i can explain it well i i need to lose some weight as you can see i'm definitely uh been on an eating binge uh and uh the neurologist said that's probably due to the event with my uncle um i'm heavy i am this is the heaviest i've ever been in my life and i'm finding it a little bit harder um i i can't say harder but i'm i'm finding the will power to say no and to stick with it and to go exercise or you know not you know movement now going maybe for a walk you know me and my wife when we were a little bit younger we used to love going for walks and we lived in a scrubbed_entry uh boy you know look at that wonder what's inside there you know that that's uh we don't do that no more i guess it's we're a little bit older now and a little bit heavier it's harder to walk with all this weight but i i i i wish i could change that because uh i i you know it's just not healthy the size uh lately no i don't regret anything lately um everything's been fine the like i say the the biggest biggest impact in my life was the event with my uncle and uh i never ever in a hundred years or ever thought that i would face that situation and i'll never forget it but they say time heals all wounds and and it does don't listen to other people uh again i'm not trying to bring up my uncle just because of what has happened but he used to constantly tell me to uh he would see the things that i was doing and the paths that i was going down and i constantly thought i knew better and i think a lot of youngsters think that anyway they um the young lady that i was talking to in here they think they're invincible and so did i i figured ah i'm never gonna i'm never gonna have those problems um i wish i could've changed some things um the history of my past follows me as it does everybody and that has limited me in in a lot of opportunities and a lot of things that i'm able to do uh i don't miss them but if i could go back uh ten or twenty years i definitely wouldn't make some of the decisions that i made my welding certificates um i'm uh certified by the american welding society and i've uh uh that's probably the biggest achievement that i've made for you know myself an accomplishment um uh people that i know say that i'm uh well i haven't been working on cars lately but they said that i have a natural knack for uh restoration and working on vehicles and i don't see it but i've been told that once or twice but i i've kind of i i've kind of started to slip away from that i don't i can't say it's from lack of interest but i just don't feel the motivation no more i wish i had a pocket of money and i'd have somebody else to it that's how i feel okay well thank you bye bye,1 +449, okay yes i am i'm good thank you originally from los angeles and my parents are from central america yes the weather um i like that i can get to the water if i want to uh to the hills or hike or just any element that i wanna get to i can get to traffic busyness everybody's always in a hurry um um that's about it when i can i have family in central america and when i can my husband and i we try to go to warm places like mexico or somewhere on the caribbean the freedom of not having to have my daily routine and not be guilty about not doing something i said i would do if i'm at home and if i'm too far away from home to do it then i don't have anything to worry about um recently i went to honduras again that's where my family's from so it was sort of like a it's it's a dual fold i get to see my family but i also kinda get to be away from home so i do it by not imposing on them i visit them but i stay in a hotel so that way i can still kinda have my freedom and not feel like i'm obligated to being with them so it's more fun that way experiences on vacation or um most memorable experience probably hawaii in lahaina and just having i love food i'm a foodie so having the pig roasted underground and just eating it that way it just i've never been able to taste it that way any time else so it's like a very memory it's a deep memory for me 'cause no matter what i do to my pork it'll never taste like that pork in lahaina business and that was years ago so i ended up in the marketing field so i've enjoyed i my business background did help me in the marketing field my dream job hmm well i guess it would have to do with food i love to cook and the only reason i hesitate is because i love to cook but i just do it for home and friends and family if it were to turn into in if it were to turn into a job i feel as if it would just not be as joyous or i wouldn't have as much fun as i do have it you know as i have now but if i could just do it as a job and still have the fun and the joy that i have in cooking every day now then that would be my dream job i'm outgoing that's cool uh depends on where i'm at if i'm wherever i'm at actually the first thing i do is just kinda get a hold of myself that way i'm always in control no matter where i'm standing at and always say that i am my own peace p a p e a c e so i just kinda just take a deep breath assess my situation figure out what i can control what i can't control and then proceed from there but just sort of just kinda breathe and get a hold of myself first i'm actually very good i'm actually very mild-tempered to begin with um i don't really let anything agitate me and so if i do feel myself just getting hot or if i just react i just sort of just like i said i just do my own little self check you know eh i might've cussed i might've went off for a second but i do my own little self check and just say you know what come on no this is mm it's not worth it this person's not worth it the situation is not worth it be who you are and just stay there actually it was with my husband and we were going back and forth about my relationship with my father and i was trying to get a point across to him and he was just kinda overlooking my feelings in it and i was i didn't want him to overlook my feelings and act as if i wasn't feeling the way i was feeling so i kept stressing my point in different ways and then i found myself now in a debate and then that's when i pulled back and said no look babe this is how i feel about it i'm not asking you to make me feel any differently i'm just asking you to acknowledge my feelings when i got to my own conclusion i felt triumphant because the point of the argument in my mind was to clarify how i felt not for him to impose his you know he's very a macho kinda manly guy i didn't want him to just overshadow my feelings with his logic and so i said no as long as i i felt better because i he i felt undestood and i felt heard hmm let's see i can my son comes to mind he's twenty two years old and he we have a very estranged relationship right now and it's okay i'm okay with it he's used to be being a little bit more needy so he i think he assumed that i would just always look xxx go looking for him or call for him as opposed to waiting him to call me and i think it may be a very weird answer but i wish early on in my life as his mother i would've kind of adjusted that so that he wouldn't be so comfortable waiting for me to be the one to come and check on him he doesn't live with me he has his own place but waiting for me to be the one to come and look for him and you know try to make sure that he's okay i think this is probably way more ethereal than you meant but i would've i would've done that differently i would've mothered him differently along the way and released him at an earlier age meaning that i would've treated him more of an adult and then also not expected him to just kinda you know i would've killed the expectation in him for me to contour to him if that makes sense woo no it's not easy you have to sacrifice and beyond just physical things you have to just make sure you put your kid's needs ahead of your own and i guess the second part of that answer is that it is easy once you realize that as long as they're okay you're okay so it my my son my daughter they both know i love them unconditionally so my parenting has become easier the more and more i've lived in that truth where i'm not expecting anything from them but then also not expecting any disrespect so as long as we have that clear line of communication whatever else is going on falls under that category of respect seeing them maybe make decisions that i wish they wouldn't make uh it could be as simple as an outfit you know choice or as much as a career change but um having to sit back watch them listen be open and then just kinda just be there you know if they wanna talk about it but then not also also trying not to manage them because i was also their age and i have to remember that i i didn't wanna be managed and even if i made a mistake i didn't wanna be judged so the difficult part is just watching them go through the process on their own and just sort of kinda just waiting around and luckily it's nothing major with my kids but whatever that personal downfall is just kinda being there and not having an i told you i told you so um spirit on me it's fulfilling knowing that you know i created this you know i planned both my kids so it's just it's a real it's an honor that i was able to do it it's an honor that they're healthy um and it's fun watching them sort of just kind of grow into their own and it's like they're mini me's but then they're also different than i am and so it's fun just being able to allow them uh be who they are and just celebrate them as they are so i'm enjoying that wow completely my parents immigrated here from central america in the sixties um i was born the year after they got here so their their mentality was different they wanted to come and get the american lifestyle eh which was not a bad thing it's just that their parenting style was more about um making sure we had a home making sure uh we had the shelter of course and food and clothes and schooling but there was not really a lot of time spent on the relationship from my mother to daughter to me as a daughter or my father to me as a daughter so i had to kinda figure it out on my own when it came to being a parent divorcing my first husband um 'cause i was gonna be the one that toppled that whole situation um he was a good father just not a good husband to me and after twenty years i knew that i was gonna be the one to say this is not working for me anymore and since i did that the domino effect has was is this is not virtual it happened we ended up selling our house you know dividing up the assets and then living separately and then my kids were kind of in between for a little while um and then i just made some decisions to where i didn't wanna go through so much court hassle so i just did a tina turner and said just give me my name you keep everything else so it was just a very hard decision by way of how it affected my kids that's all i cared about in terms of losing everything physical and and all the material stuff i could care less but it was hard because i i knew it was gonna affect my kids and they were the only thing i was concerned about uh my husband and i did not you know see eye to eye on certain things xxx regarding our marriage he i didn't feel validated as a woman or as a wife and that's just who i am and those were the very areas that he didn't validate me in he just kinda saw me as a partner who was helping fund his extracurriculars whether it was just travel or or whatever the case may be i'm not i'm not here to talk about that part of it bottom line is that whatever he was doing was outside of you know the sanctity of our home and i was tired of just you know working and and and him benefiting from everything but then not being fulfilled as a woman or a wife and he wasn't prepared to change xxx despite all the counseling we went through and i thought well this is not working for me and i have to take care of myself first and i i had low self-esteem i you know i wasn't perfect i had a lot of things going on with myself and i had to learn how to love myself in order to uh in order for me to love my children and then in order for me to get the love that i should get in return you know what it's actually pretty easy because at the end of the day i just you know good bad ugly or indifferent whatever mistakes i made that day or whatever great thing went on that day my goal in life is just to have peace of mind so when i put my head down at night i i just i ask myself did you know did i do anything that i'm ashamed of today did i cross anybody did i not do you know and i'm not being sanctimonious or acting as if i'm pollyanna but i believe in karma i'm a god-fearing woman so i just wanna make sure that i did everything i was supposed to do today and if there's something that i can rectify you know i just make it a point to promise to myself to go back and rectify it or at least learn from that and just not make that same mistake in another day really good light um you know had some rough patches with the family individually like i said with my son my daughter's a teenager so she's kinda coming into her own so that's a different relationship she's opposite of me i'm i'm actually very easygoing very bohemian style she's very social very you know just out there so i'm having to just kinda find our balance but overall it's just i i won't complain i'm very happy for a very simplistic lifestyle that i just kinda foster on my own every day and i just enjoy my little mini accomplishments whether anyone sees them or not no i haven't thank god no really happy let's see uh it's at home and i think it was when wow different things running through my head um i think when my daughter and i my teenage daughter and i came to understanding eh understanding on our mother daughter relationship i'm not trying to be her best friend but yet that doesn't mean she can't talk to me and i think when she came to me the other day and just kinda gave me a big hug from behind me without really saying anything i really felt her just accepting herself and she accepted the fact that i accept who she is as she is so it was a very tame moment only she and i kinda knew about it but it just it gave just a happiness that nothing else could ever give me thank you um i'm easygoing i'm fun i'm just very you know um eh chameleon comes to mind i just kinda acclimate to what whatever situation i'm in i'm very honest i'm very real and just you know bold if i have to be um i'm just very adult i'm an adult woman and you know they would just decribe or my best friend would describe me as someone that she can rely on extremely reliable i do as i say i say what i do and i just you know i don't i don't deal with b s hmm what could i change about myself uh probably cosmetic things maybe i would just uh that's not even true let me think what what what are some things i would change about myself um sounds weird that i would say not much nothing really um i think i would just be a little bit more aware of others i think i'm a i'm super sensitive to others but i think i would just be more aware make sure that i'm not being selfish or i'm not tuning anyone out just because i wanna get through my yoga or i wanna do something else i think i would just be more um observant and aware of those around me to make sure i'm not offending anybody i don't have any regrets i i think about that all the time and you know it's it's natural to go back and say if i were in that situation with the mindset i have now what would i do eh but the reality is that i know that everything that has happened up to this point has shaped me so i can't you know very well take the benefit from it and then turn around and call it a regret because i know i learned from it um probably sounds very textbook but that's true that's just really how i live so i believe that everything good bad ugly or indifferent happened for a reason i truly believe that and my job is to take from it what i'm supposed to take from it and take that into my future so i'm to take the you know the hard knocks with the with the joys hmm be real with myself that's that's one thing that took me twenty years to kinda get to um just to kinda be honest with myself to embrace who i am to just you know get to know who i am uh learn my own infrastructure be comfortable with the uh with the innate things that are a part of me don't try to revamp don't try to revamp myself or try to become something that i'm not uh i would've still chosen the same marketing career to still i would've still climbed the same corporate ladders but i would've done it from a more internal place um not that i lost myself in it but when in terms of my family life i would've just been more true to myself and that way i wouldn't have had any kind of resentments my family my uh my role as a wife my role as a mother i think that ultimately that's where my main fulfillment comes from because no matter what at the end of this life's this life uh this body uh in this leased vehicle that i'm in um all i'm gonna do or all i'm gonna be is an epitaph somewhere in a cementary scrubbed_entry and i'm always just true to that i mean i i've been always true to that from the time i was eighteen and realized i wanted to be married and have a family and kids and all that i think that ultimately that that's where my true fulfillment comes from cool thank you bye,0 +450, okay i'm okay with that sure i'm doing well reasonably well i'm from santa monica california born and raised i love the ocean um i love the hiking i love you can have a little bit of every world here the ocean the sea the desert the weather's great i get to wear shorts a lot lot of times out of the year mhm the smog the cement road rage uh traffic um it's a lonely town i haven't seen your shoes well i haven't seen your shoes but uh i have traveled yes well depends where you're going um i love going to hawaii um i love the beach change of scenery um the temperature of the water uh different foods the airports i love traveling um i recently went to europe i was in belgium uh for two weeks and um oh i ate some great food and saw some family and visited some museums and oh and it rained which it doesn't do in california that in los angeles very much and uh i got to take the train and lots of trains and uh public transportation that was fun for me that's normal for them but fun it's fun fun for me um yeah and i got to see family and it was very very nice yes it was outgoing um i'm gregarious um i do well in crowds and groups uh i am a good public speaker um yeah uh i'm not so shy i i don't think i go fishing two days ago i also meditate i also meditate how do i feel in that moment relaxed at peace calm depends on the situation hmm i argued with the los angeles parking people over a ticket that i got that i didn't agree with and has morphed into a horrible situation and i ended the conversation with accepting the situation as it was and not really xxx wanting to deal with it sort of like fuck you no it was good oh my gosh um the sale of my business i wish i would've handled that differently um i didn't have to really sell the business but i got scared and i sold it and i could've handled it in a much different way fear um i was afraid of mounting debts i was afraid of the economy wasn't good this two thousand seven two thousand eight i was um not thinking clearly i was afraid of uh mounting debts i was afraid of um being sued by employees i was afraid of uh yeah not having enough money i was afraid to be embarrassed i was embarrassed you know for running out of money um yeah i would've handled that much different knowing what i know today it was yes i could've i could have downsized i could have downsized sold cars got rid of cars uh i could've cut hours i could have reduced my expenses and sat tight with it and not and just worked through it and not have reacted out of fear xxx uh when um i got my bachelor's degree in political science from u_c_l_a and i just finished a master's degree in education scrubbed_entry mhm my dream job my dream job is to not work that's my dream job to not work um to be of service to people to you know uh to um wear casual clothes uh not have to be at a particular place at a particular time uh to have time to enjoy you know the one the things that i like to do like fishing and hiking being with my nephews being with kids um yeah and not having to work well um relationship with family okay so who's alive today is my mom my father died when i was sixteen my stepfather died three years ago so my mom's alive we have a good relationship she's like and it took a lot of work it took years you know but she's a my friend we're friends you know we do stuff together um my sister she lives a half a block away from me my sister lives a block away from me she's got five kids and a husband and a family to contend with and my my sister and i don't get to spend a lot of time together anymore she's got a life her a life you know she's busy life um the rest of my family is uh lives in belgium who i went to go see uh and um and that's all the family that i have i have an aunt that is very um i'm estranged to and she lives in northern california and we never talk because um she uh she ripped off the family estate my grandfather my grandparents' estate she she took all the money and all the stuff and and left her grandkids and her and my you know and so uh her sister and my my grandmother's daughter and grandkids and great-grandkids got zero and it was a few few few million dollars mhm so we don't talk i don't talk we don't talk and it's sad xxx excuse me can you repeat that wow positive my father was a positive influence he was a really genuine man honest uh funny um handsome um i have a business owner a business man that i worked for who was a extremely positive influence at least in my professional life um i've had uh a counselor at u_c_l_a who was um totally i think of her often and some of the little things that she'd said to me keep me going um in my life now trust the process she told me to trust the process and when people are having trouble and i'm having trouble i take a step back and say you know just trust the process it it it all works out the way it's supposed to be mhm and there's one more positive influence that i knew in hawaii that taught me um a friend of mine that uh lives on kauai that taught me uh how to enjoy nature and taught me how to fish and and i i love her a lot a great positive influence healthy healthy influence it's not i have back problems so it's hard to sleep at night uh and i wake up in the middle of the night sort of uh stretching and um straightening out my back i have a back issue that sometimes more often than not uh keeps me from sleeping good that's okay i'm dealing with it um i'm a little depressed uh i've been a little depressed i haven't been working as much and um i um you know i have pain in the mornings and in the evening i have pain thorughout the day in my from my with back and it uh is a little depressing you know i get depressed also um you know just thinking about my business that i sold and you know where i would've been if i hadn't have done that and a a general feeling of um i've been a little depressed over the past uh couple of years actually yes um well i've been diagnosed many many years ago and i guess depression stays with you although it gets treated um and uh i was diagnosed about two years ago uh i think i don't know it asked me that on the questionnaire as well and uh and i sought treatment for it and then uh my insurance ran out and the prescriptions uh i couldn't put uh do my prescriptions anymore but now i'm back on uh medication medication and you know so i take medication for my depression therapy absolutely i love therapy wow that's huge um confidence in self uh confidence in myself um confidence in my decision-making a general feeling of overall content uh a sounding board you know when i have stuff that's bothering me that i can't go to the i i feel that i can't go to the person with i um can go to my therapist and a lot of times the issue is resolved there it wasn't a big issue or i worked through it or the therapist through the therapist allowed me to look at a different way of looking at the situation and in that way i find therapy to be invaluable actually i believe so uh yes i was i believe it was i think it was told to me by a psychiatrist that that's what i was that's what i was having and this was within the last five years i think it was looking back now what are we two thousand thirteen it was two thousand nine so four years ago not able to deal like shell shocked not able to deal with anything eh irritable on the phone uh i mean just uh just anything would get me to fly off the handle and um just uh not able just shell shocked and not and hiding at my in my house not opening mail mail not being able to concentrate not being able to deal with with things that were that i felt were well that were bombarding me i felt overcomed overcomed and um the psychiatrist said that it was post-traumatic stress disorder but um and i was given some medication which i stayed on for a year or so uh or so and i don't know through psychiatry and therapist and medication um i was able to come out of my shell a little bit hmm about a week ago i was on a hike eh up in malibu and uh at this beautiful labyrinth that looked over the pacific ocean and we i was with a friend and we were having lunch and i laid down on the grass and took a nap and i felt content i was happy at that moment at that moment that time about a week ago hmm honest sincere smart um caring um smart um good question i'd have to think about that uh yeah i have regrets in life you know everything works out so um you know if i could change the past i would've never dropped out of school when i did a long time ago i mean i've since gone back and completed lots of stuff um i probably would've gone into the military i think i was going to do that in my early twenties i'm fifty five now um i sort of regret not doing that um at that time um i regret uh selling my business i regret and of course i can't control this but i regret that my father died when i was so young and he never really got to know me and i never really got to know him i regret uh i regret not seeing my grandmother enough before she'd passed away i regret uh i mean those are the things that i can think of right now not putting away for retirement i regret when i had the money to do it um yeah i mean just here that's what i would say stick with it just stick with it because in order to get out you have to go through and i it when it comes to fear or flight i get the fear and i flight so sometimes you just have to sit in fear and then everything works out wow i'm most proud that i have remained genuine um i'm most proud of being who i am and being basically comfortable with that and i'm proud of that i haven't changed to the world to the world you know for the world i haven't changed i've stayed mm who i am thank you thank you bye,0 +451, yes okay other than this laryngitis i have uh cleveland ohio in uh seventy nine i think it was mhm um once a year something like that or less um uh there's a lot more to do here um they're a little more narrow minded back there and republican um well originally show business but probably to get away from uh cleveland it was very difficult at first um i'm not used to uh change i don't like change very much you know having to uh meet new people and figure out how to make a living well i like the um different opportunities you have the different the health consciousness the movies um the variety of things you can do the places you can go the weather um the driving the congestion some of the superficial attitude the importance mhm um well not a lot but i do i just came back from vegas to visit relatives we met there and i'm going to mexico um next month um well seeing the different cultures like been to europe greece france

    um italy um i like going to places such as mexico where it's gonna be sunny and just lying out i went to last year i went to arizona i never saw sedona that was really uh an experience pure peaceful about sedona yeah well sedona's a very energetic place and um i thought it was desert like flat kind of desert looking but it was it's very rocky and when you land in flagstaff there's these beautiful uh pine trees and it's the elevation is high and and coming into sedona was very beautiful and and after a day the pain in my back went away that i had there for months so and you had this even though we went to bed late and got up early you had this energy so it was really um very mystical in life or in sedona in life um well being on stage in boston and um that was great i i loved doing that um um just being with friends and laughing are some of my highest moments when we're laughing hysterically well um i don't know of a particular situation but when i when i decorate for special events and um i worked with somebody on a regular basis and we would just find humor in everything and just laugh and and i i can't think of particular situation or what we were laughing at but just being with somebody who's in tune with my sense of humor and uh gets my jokes and you know i get his and we're just um enjoying that moment um speech and drama i i majored in uh no not now i always was interested in um musical comedy when i was a child i would sing along to records in my living room and i was always in choirs in school and then when i uh went to high school i joined the drama club and i i just always had an interest and i always had a a big personality and well um i don't know if i have a dream job anymore i'm sixty and i don't know if i have aspirations anymore towards towards doing anything right now i'd just rather not work and just um relax and travel but um i i like being creative in in any way i can i like independence and i kind of have that right now so i'm okay um well i i watch my favorite television shows that i've recorded and i also am a buddhist i've been a buddhist for um gosh since nineteen eighty eight and um i'm a district leader in my community and we have meetings and that really helps to center me and bring out my higher self so if i get tense or nervous i i chant um sometimes okay sometimes not a lot yes yes less and less though it's been happening less and less but um yeah sometimes it's got it's it's um created difficulties well i can't i can't remember an argument i remember getting angry like was just when i was on my trip in vegas i was driving and the g_p_s said stay in the left lane and i stayed in the left lane but when i got off the freeway it brought me onto the ramp that went back onto the freeway about four miles out of our way and i just i got very angry for about thirty seconds and then i had to calm myself down and say okay alright so we're gonna be late you know i had to talk myself out of it so it wasn't really an argument with anybody but i felt kind of bad that i overreacted um you mean in my life manys yes um gosh there's so many i i just wish that when somebody tells me disappointing information like they're not gonna use me on a job or something that i would take an attitude that um i'll find something better it's okay and move on as opposed to feeling what's wrong with me and you know did i do something wrong and then get angry at them and you know that whole uh thought process that really doesn't help the situation and i do that more often but i since i started chanting but it doesn't you know i'm not always in my high life condition where i can do that um i find a lot of situations hard to make like you know what television to buy or something but um um i guess i guess the hardest decision would be one that had the biggest consequences and um um or leaving my comfort zone place if the decision meant that i have to leave my comfort place that would be a very difficult decision for me and probably leaving a relationship very hard because you you know i get dependent on that relationship so i usually live it out til it's for you know it's they leave or something you know it's very hard for me to make that decision that this isn't right and i have to move on so what i usually do is i don't make the decision and i end up suffering but longer so mhm can we move on um well uh it's hard because um i don't know if it's because i have pain in my back and neck but i i it's difficult for me to stay asleep i'd i i i don't get a um a deep sleep um but at because of uh well i so okay it's hard to say because right now i i have this cold and i've had it for two weeks so i've been taking nyquil and that's been putting me to sleep so i have been um sleeping better because of it but last night i i woke up coughing so it's it's hard to tell but before that all happened i was um finding it difficult to stay asleep and so therefore i'm tired during the day and uh sometimes i'm groggy sometimes i'm irritable but yeah i'm not really sure if it's related to this pain in my back or emotional things or or or or not i'm sorry could you repeat that have i studied changes in my behavior uh no i was not no mm mm oh i was happy last week you know well i uh was going to um vegas to meet my family was my my family was flying in from cleveland to uh there we have a a relative in uh vegas and i drove with my friend and it was my brother in law's seventieth birthday so we all went and had a good time in vegas i mean i was struggling through my cold but but it was fun it was nice well uh they think i'm funny um they feel that i say it like it is um they understand they all say they understand me so people who don't understand me i think sometimes don't know how to take me 'cause i'll i'll say something sometimes come out come across sarcastic but just that's just the way i talk so um my um the anger that sometimes wells up in me you know i just but although that that really made me i think a lot of the person that i am you know all all of your experiences make you who you are and how you handle them makes you who you are and if you don't have those lows you don't really know what highs are so i don't i can't really go back and regret you know i wish certain things didn't happen whatever but really what matters is today and now and how you handle today and i wish that well i can i don't wish i know that i will have less of these moments where i've just blurt out you know anger or something i just wish that would happen more less that the anger parts would happen less and they are so i guess it will happen less um don't give up hope live in the moment and um everything will everything will work out everything will work out and if you believe that then you really have nothing to fear um the fact that now and for the past twenty years twenty some years i've been cultivating myself and i've become i've become more um compassionate person and i'm able to um uh understand people better and see that you know their suffering they're suffering too and that if you if you treat people from that respect that they're they have their problems too and they're suffering with their problems too you're able to live a better life because you're not allowing that to affect you you're not taking it personally and at the same time you're becoming more compassionate person and when you're more compassionate you're you're happy and your life is happy okay,0 +452, mm maybe okay i'm from california it's sun there's sunshine sunshine weather mhm what do you like about l_a what do um i like um i just said i i like

  • like the weather the traffic no i don't have the means i studied liberal art art i studied um film because i live in los angeles not really um uh to work i i want to become a i don't care i don't know i i i i don't wanna tell you yeah okay i'm very outgoing because because are you outgoing um sit down sleep um i think about it and then i stop it's easy um i don't remember um for not changing the battery on my phone no it was the battery on my car i didn't change it and it didn't start and i procrastinated and so yeah yeah that's a bad word you can't say that i not procrastinate and do it before something worse or happen something worse happens something bad happens do it before it gets worse or that or become prepare preparation uh um prepare or um don't think about stuff the last minute uh do things before get things done context it okay what's your name oh i forgot okay um i don't understand that question can you elaborate give me an example um um that is a good question um can i ask you a question um it's okay you just sleep it's easy you just close your eyes what tired i'm tired uh good no i don't know what that is can you explain no uh right now i feel really happy it's good very close not really what can you repeat that who has been a positive influence in my life um you because i'm talking to someone who doesn't exist um uh um getting into a car accident um uh i picked up the phone and the car hit me i i was using a cell phone no i answered answered a phone and then all of a sudden i made a left turn and a car hit me mhm it was very hard because now i have no money 'cause i paid off i had to pay for it to get damaged uh repaired cope with who cope with that um what advice would i give myself ten ten okay ten years ago 'cause i was okay um i would say do good in do good in school um um i thought school was too way too easy so i slacked off uh meeting you um funny mm like long term or short term um i wanna i wanna um uh hmm uh i don't know i have to i have to i have to write down i have to plan that out mm that's personal question uh watching movies and and books books d_v_ds uh going out to uh the the library mhm events um uh discovering new places that i haven't been to before i went to a party and met some new friends yes who isn't happy when they have meet new friends and go to a party right oh okay when when was what the last time what what um staring at you in the eyes i have a question okay bye bye hello,0 +453, yes i'm doing good uh los angeles mhm convenience convenience uh people the crowd uh traffic people not respecting uh eh lack of respect uh huh uh locally regionally meeting old people i love talking to old people um well i work a lot with uh my elders in my reservation and other reservations here in california and i spend a lot of time with uh with the elders and i talk with them and they help me out a lot so i get to hear good stories mhm mm uh going in the mountains and seeing waterfalls that no one else had seen except for my people yeah that was the most beautiful thing i think i found mm mhm um it depends on the situation if i'm um if somebody comes to me looking for me to help them i take control but if i need help it's eh i i work at asking for help so it depends on the situation mhm i garden and i paint mm i'm very good at it uh three days ago it was about communication it was uh the lack of communication on the other person's part and i needed them to communicate better so that way i could understand uh they didn't communicate so we had an argument and uh got it settled i felt um caught off guard because this is a individual that i spend pretty much almost every minute of my day with and to not be told what was going on in this person's head and then to have a situation arise you know i was kept out i didn't like that uh mm i'd rather pass mm uh um probably the lack of time spent with my grandparents growing up it's just when they're gone you regret that you didn't miss time with spent time with them so mm uh one thing i truly wish i could remember i i was a i was a professional athlete at one time and i had partied 'til like four in the morning and then i had did my event at like ten o'clock in the morning and uh i was my xxx captain and i embarrassed my whole team and uh that's one thing i truly regret i was a professional fighter so yeah like not party thought about other people besides myself mhm uh i studied uh massage therapy and got my nursing degree um and a lot of it's just been on job education um very close uh uh due to my own injuries um i had just gone through the therapy process and believing in people and seeing how it worked and i decided to do that i wanted to help people too yeah oh yeah yeah yes i wanna paint that's all i wanna do is just paint um i have two sons and it's time for me to uh to move on and they're older and they can take care of themselves now so me leaving the area where my sons are it's pretty hard yeah oh the reflection of you the reflection of you reminds you so much about yourself who you are consistency even when you're sick being consistent i don't assume my kids are right or wrong i listen to 'em first and i make my decisions after that and i try not to come from an emotional heightened place i think logically and i put myself in their place before i do it we discuss we communicate heavy in my family uh 'cause that's the only way we get along with each other is through communication so communicate um my family is severed pretty much so my family and my relationship with my family on the reservation is very tight um the rest of the family we're all fragmented and scattered around the southwest so it's not very tight at all uh i have too many to count um start with my uncle my uncle was like my dad raised me a good way uh xxx uh he watched out for me he told me he taught me hard work at a very young age um he also taught me to protect my family and taught me honor taught me love he's a good man mm i don't i haven't had a good night's sleep in years so i i have get broken sleep uh dreams the dreams become too real i get up and go to the bathroom and go back to sleep i try to um um my years of fighting it just uh it caught up to me xxx uh reserved yeah reserved and i try to find things to distract my brain i think of different ways of doing things uh mm well i got rid of t_v about eight months ago so i got rid of that distraction so what i do now is i either paint i garden or cleaning house washing dishes you know or get out and go walk that's another thing too do a lot of walking nowadays uh anxiety anxious uh um a lot of anxieties uh but it's good i have techniques to bring myself down now um nothing new out of the normal yes uh three years ago around there three insomnia issues um it was about two years ago around there two little bit over two years ago i was released from therapy oh the therapist released me um well i had i noticed is i still deal with pictures and emotions but what i do is now i've i really practice hard at taking care of myself and and getting to those places the things that strike me that get get me anxious or excited or angry i've learned how to work out of it and realize it's not real it's not real it's just the emotion it's not real so these are the things like little mantras that i tell myself and this has really helped me a lot from therapy because it taught me that those emotions and pictures truly aren't real and yeah so therapy has helped a lot i mean it's just it's changed my world yes around the same time as the p_t_s_d uh three years ago um in my dreams when i dream i do last night i was just dreaming of fighting and then in preparing fighters to fight and that was another thing too i build up anxiety dreaming about preparing fighters to fight and then stepping in front of thousands of people and then i always end up fighting in my dreams so it's always mm what gets me scared in all my dreams is that i should've made the move and finished the fight and i didn't and so it builds anxiety and stress in me and then i tend to act out in my sleep yeah like it was real like i was there like like i smell taste feel everything there i was there yeah uh this morning driving here talking to my girlfriend this mm trustworthy he loves me i love him he's we're best friends i have zero to change mm i can't recall regret uh just not spending time with my grandparents and and i think day to day issues maybe you know a couple here there that i should've went to the store first or something like that but i mean yeah it's nothing like that xxx quit thinking you know it all yeah my loyalty my trustworthiness mm start a new art project yesterday it was nice mm well i i we were in santa barbara and we found some rocks and yeah some old rocks that someone had made a pile of and just threw a dump of old rocks out of the way and i went through the pile of rocks and i found this old rock that was in the middle of it and i took it home and now i'm doing a art piece on it and for me it was like this thing was totally forgotten about was just considered a rock and now potentially it'll be sitting on my grandkid's table you know it's just to me that's really cool i like that mm start starting something that i'm so bad at that i don't think there's no way i can be good at it and all the sudden i get to be better at it to where i don't even have to think about it just so good at it that way i could just touch it and feel it and i don't think about it i these are the things that i'm proud of like i like that i like that accomplishment i guess you can say mm bye ,1 +454, yes great and yourself houston texas when i was very young every few years it's a little bit slower my parents brought me as a child the weather um there's disconnect at times um people are just kind of you know some people are warm and friendly and other people aren't it's kind of interesting yes mm different people cultures experiences um pick a place um greece the west indies uh west indies very laid back very relaxed um kind of easy flowing great weather great water very nice greece um lots of culture lots of um the past very interesting um birth of children um i have a six-year-old and we have a set of twins boys all boys mm not always challenging sometimes um i think you know the kids are different they have different needs you know mm loving lots of unconditional love um i think i travel along the same lines um i give my children lots of choices and i have lots let them have input on what happens psychology um was gonna go down another path i was gonna work with the youth in the system um for children no um dream job i don't know if my dream job is an actual job there are lots of um there's xxx lots of things that i'd like to do um uh from a philanthropist point of view i'd like to do that would be my dream job um mostly serving children that are undeserved undeserved in undeserved areas um giving um giving some outlets and different things that can improve their life difficult difficult monies are aren't always there uh it's not always easy to go in underserved areas um with new ideas it's difficult and i don't have the flexibility just to spend all my time doing that so outgoing just not shy just have one of those kinda personalities very outspoken um hang out in the backyard lie on the hammock read pretty good um my sister on saturday oh what was it about um about i don't know silly about parking cars in a certain a place frustrated hmm um i probably could've handled that situation a little bit differently could've been a little bit more giving could've been a little bit more giving i guess not so stubborn um hardest decision hmm hardest decision i think the hardest decision i've had to make of recent would um be turning off life support system to an uncle mm thank you mm there was nothing else that could be done for him uh an accident that i had a car accident i have very little memory of it but it's still a car accident um i was hit broadside by another vehicle going about forty miles per hour flipped over my truck had to be cut out with the jaws of life it was xxx very difficult time it's good we're happy very close yeah my mother my parents older sibling my parents older sibling just always there standing in the gap available for conversation we'll talk things through pretty easy irritable pretty good pretty great um not really i think i'm getting up there in age so you know with a woman and perimenopausal stuff that's part of the sleep deprivation thing i think no no this morning i feel happy now loving compassionate um strong-willed determined um little bit more patience sometimes i wouldn't say trouble no um really badly about myself um a fight with my best friend about eight months ago saddened because i love her and i don't like to fight with her probably so could've been a little more understanding could not have spoken my mind about that situation um yeah i have regret um about that situation or just in general um to be always open very open-minded um went to disneyland with the children for the weekend good thing um music kids family friends um kids you're welcome buh bye,0 +455, yes very well uh ohio mhm uh finished school and came out to start my life uh not often now not really often uh because my parents have both passed away and so that's my reason for that was my reason for going home prior uh there's really not a comparison you know this is warm and sunny and that has four seasons so it's a very different environment i it took a minute to get adjusted to the different culture but uh after i was adjusted you know the sunshine keeps you here uh i love the weather i love the fact that i have the ocean and the mountains and um so many things that i can choose from and the diversity that i find here uh i tend to not have things that i don't like uh because where i am i know that i'm finding myself there so and i like me so that means that there's really nothing i don't like yes i do uh i love being able to explore different cultures be able to meet different people have a different set of experiences and at the same time to be able to find the commonality between uh all types of people it's a very rich experience um which one to where uh i guess i'm thinking about egypt and the wonderful experiences that i have there uh as i go the people and the warm and loving experience i have the knowledge i get to pursue through the exploring the temples and the pyramids etcetera things like that there are so many there really are but i can think of uh seeing a baby in a mosque which was just really pure and it really stayed with me how similar we actually all are um that's probably one of the things that i remember most from one of my very first trips uh there and let's see just the interaction of the people the food you know incredible i love the food too wow i've studied lots of different things i've studied law i've studied um entertainment i've studied communications i've studied whatever i want to quite a renaissance woman ah it's just always been my way to really explore all of the things that i enjoy keeps me fresh keeps me happy keeps me alive and um just allows me to be able to be fully developed as a human being being able to do that mhm um i don't have a dream job per se what i do have is a um desire to just be able to be free to do whatever it is that i choose on a daily basis so uh probably more outgoing mhm well i start my day out very relaxed because i start my day with meditation uh and several uh several other spiritual practices that i perform before i move uh around i get exercise so that uh i keep everything humming everything moving and uh then move forward from there uh excellent i don't really have one anymore argued um cannot remember the last time that i actually had an argument um don't know what it's about i imagine that the last time i argued about something probably might be related to money situation i wish i had handled differently you know i try to take each experience as they come and try not to have regrets to hold guilt about the way anything uh went because they're all for me very positive learning experiences uh that i get to explore who i am through so i don't really see them as needing them to be different i need to learn from them or to um just really accept what is mhm hardest decision i've ever had to make um don't really have a quote on quote hard decision you know because i grew up in a way uh where my mother was extremely wonderful in the way that she always taught me to know that it was my own life and so she would never make decisions for me she always taught me to say she would always say it's your life and so um for me decisions don't really come as difficult to make they're pretty easy to make because i've been making them since childhood so i don't really have a most difficult decision i've ever made mm event that i could erase from my memory i don't really have one that i can think of that would be so terrible that i would need to erase it again everything for me is a learning experience so there's nothing really to regret or erase uh very easy as soon as i hit the pillow i'm out uh great uh a little more uh physical exertion than normal but uh still great mm no not overall but again i attribute that and i accredit that to the spiritual practices that i perform on a daily basis that keep me pretty even tempered no mm no uh that's pretty much every day i feel really happy every day i'm thankful i'm grateful for my life and uh i'm just thankful for everything that comes into it uh very smart uh very loving uh very intelligent funny uh outgoing that's probably probably what my friends would say uh there's really nothing that i think i need to to do or to have or to be different uh about myself like i'm okay with everything the way it is really am what advice would i have given myself ten or twenty years ago to know um to understand that everything that happened ten or twenty years ago was important in terms of developing the person that i am now and so to just be able to go with the flow and go with the experiences of life in order to be able to learn how to move effortlessly through any situation that comes up recently really enjoyed uh uh cooked a very wonderful meal um 'cause i love cooking so that was something i really enjoyed mhm wow my my willingness to get to know myself through travel through exploration through practices and through the practical application of everything that i've learned about people cultures places and most importantly you know the god within me bye,0 +456, yes i'm well thank you uh boston massachusetts yes i moved to l_a about a year after graduating college in two thousand and one uh quite often at least a couple times a year um god i love both cities they are polar opposite in many many ways but there's things about both of them that that i love uh to pursue acting and writing mm it's still not complete reality to me but it was actually very easy because of the um the the the creative factor out here allowed me to pursue what i wanted to creatively and it was different the social culture was different in a way where i from where i had grown up and it it suited me better my personality oh god i like the fact that you can come here and pursue any any niche of you know creativity or art or entertainment that you want to and sort of make your own path uh i grew up where it snows constantly and is very very cold so sounds obvious but clearly i like that it's you can swim year round and uh i like that it's there's always something to do no matter what day of the week it is what i don't like uh well i miss my family i miss that there's not i don't like that there's not a big family element here i miss i'm a big family girl i miss my family i feel like it's very crowded here but yet it's very easy to feel eh sort of isolated alone here mhm mm i can't see your shoes but um i do mostly just not not too much worldly travel mostly back to boston and mm eh florida where my parents live but i do i enjoy traveling and take a lot of trips within california and around here oh just to have an adventure do something fun or if i'm going home it means i'm gonna see my family um one of my trips mm god well i like to drive up to northern california go to san francisco i have family and friends there always super super fun uh in god in college i with my college boyfriend when i was in boston i we drove we went to san francisco and drove down to l_a and las vegas and that was kind of how i realized i wanted to move here so that was very that was very that was a big one uh in general just mm memorable experiences i guess it would be moving here i moved to when i moved to l_a i got on a plane but didn't know anybody here and i just got i talked to a girl that i met online and agreed to be her roommate and she picked me up at the airport we never met and you know one of my dear friends to this day so definitely the the the flight out here was it was big monumental i felt powerful and excited and just open to whatever mhm studied communications um got a lots of every lot of different uh writing writing styles i eventually graduated with a a concentration in public relations and a english minor writing to pursue writing writer uh well i guess you could say writer slash actress which is um but i guess writing is first hard very hard because you need to no one's gonna push you to do it you have to be self-starter you have to make it happen so it's very hard 'cause i don't possess that naturally in my personality i do but not as much as i need to i would say outgoing on in general i sometimes take a walk if i feel tense um listen ambient music helps if i need a soothing background white noise calming calming area and just just your basic deep breaths and just sort of take a minute to to come back to a calm neutral place i am getting better no um i'm okay i'm good at controlling my temper 'cause i don't usually have a temper too often but when i do and i lose my cool i have a hard time controlling it yes no hmm mm argued with someone um god i guess it was a friend a friend a girlfriend it it wasn't it was about uh our our each separate perspectives on a a certain situation between us that were obviously very very different um and it started out as something big and then we just realized this is this is stupid we don't need to be fighting about this so it kind of ended quickly hmm mm i guess it would've been with uh an ex-boyfriend fighting with an ex-boyfriend relationship stuff definitely losing my temper and making a situation escalated in a way that it didn't need to be i wish that i had just walked away from it mm i don't know if i could've avoided the complete situation but i definitely could've made the outcome much less chaotic hmm uh i guess that would be hmm walking away from somebody who was definitely bad toxic from my life uh but that i really did want in my life and it was a true wrestling with morality and kind of sort of growing up like coming to a point where i have to say i'm gonna have to do something that's really really hard for sort of you know short-term pain for long-term gain and i had to make sort of an adult decision relationship-wise but it was still carried over into other areas of my life and taught me that you know you're not always gonna feel great every decision's not always gonna be easy and feel good yes i was kinda forced to this issue just what was going on in life was sort of you can't ignore those signs just yeah mm i guess it would be a particular argument i had with somebody um that happened to be in sort of a public place and i got in trouble for it i wish i could erase that my relationship with my family i have a wonderful family i'm completely blessed amazing parents i have a brother and has he has a little girl so i have a baby niece that i love more than anything in the world and i could not ask for a better family they're the ideal my parents for sure they're just wonderful people that just taught by example and i feel like i'm a good mix of both of them it's pretty easy i try um lately it's been a little bit hard my sleep's been off but for the most part i've come to recognize the importance of it and it's it's been pretty easy uh a little edgy or fidgety maybe a little bit out of it i might um might seem like i'm in a good mood 'cause i might be a little giddy and uh laughing more just sort of high emotions but overall get um irritated faster and just um sweat more just feel feel um just a little off i've been feeling pretty good lately mm not really just trying to be more focused get things done um just trying to focus on what i wanna do career-wise and really stop wasting time or you know just procrastinating and and get things done and being inspired going and seeing you know being around people that are doing what i wanna do and just carrying it over to my own life no no uh oh just a couple days i was just in with my family and my baby niece in florida and that's why i went down there to see her so it was just awesome i'm always happy when i see her probably as um very funny humor would definitely probably be one of the first things they would say joking always a little wise-ass in my personality but um they would describe me as always uh unconditional there for them and just they know they know that i'm there if they need them always my drive being more driven and just getting things done mm i guess it would be well a recent a recent ex-boyfriend that was a a mistake of a relationship uh yeah sort of just uh i i think because he the way he felt about himself certain things he would say and even though what he said didn't directly make me feel bad the whole situation made me realize wow the fact that i'm even with this person made me feel like i'm let allowing people into my life that shouldn't be there so i'm dumbing myself down and that yeah it was terrible yes i regret not listening to my gut instincts don't second-guess yourself um great listener constant sense of humor uh very malleable in terms of eh people uh tolerant and comfortable around all just people from just all ages race gender whatever i just i crave diversity and love to just you know i just i i i'm people person and i um i start every day with a blank slate i um i did some acting work on a on a series with a really great group of people and it was it was a very cool cool creative experience very inspiring probably coming out to l_a on my own without knowing anybody and staying here and pursuing what i wanna do thank you goodbye,1 +457, yes spectacular this is an interesting experiment uh i'm from middle of nowhere iowa uh may second of two thousand seven so exactly five years six years ago um infrequently like once every couple years uh the weather exists so it's more extreme and then it's rather less exciting a lot less colorful uh winter in minnesota uh it took approximately the drive in that's that's about all it took the lights uh the lights took care of the rest uh i really love that it's a giant concrete playground at nighttime so that bycicles uh have free rein of the streets i like all the art i love the fact that there's so many different kinds of culture jammed all together and that if you look hard enough you can find anything you really want here oh you know the traffic the exceedingly high cost of living uh yeah those are those are my big beefs uh not nearly as much as i would like to i've done a little bit uh i like not knowing exactly how things are gonna go i like the fact that it forces me to uh deal with people to deal with situations in ways that i normally wouldn't have to uh last year i got to hang out in san marcos for a little bit after i split up with my ex and then after san marcos i went back to iowa for a bunch of family stuff and then i brought my little brother to los angeles uh last week managed to go on a bike ride for cyclavia scrubbed_entry as a he was basically a rolling green light the entire way down venice boulevard and so he made he made a bunch of like national news and he was all over the place but the rest of us as his support group riding around on tall bikes and stuff the we didn't bat an eye we didn't blink because this is this is normal for our friends that wasn't even the most absurd thing he's done lately that was just a a happy normal sunday but our group of friends is so unusual that a normal sunday for us is extreme for everyone else i used to be an introvert but definitely an extrovert the last few years thank you los angeles um once i found the right group of friends it was easy to be social it it drew me to be social extroverted even outgoing bombastic for the first time and it stuck um if i weren't already the most relaxed guy already i would probably do things but when i'm really stressed out i i do all sorts of stuff it um usually i try to enlist my friends to help me do an art project uh what temper uh scrubbed_entry um panicked 'cause i really wanted to make him not hate me and i mostly failed uh hard on him i mostly uh mostly got by with a couple of scrapes on my ego uh when when that all went down i tried to to talk to him but i got distracted for the very first time that day and so instead of having my verbal gloves up i managed to take a whole bunch of words to the side of the head and fall over a trash can it was not my most graceful moment uh i feel guilty about lots of stuff um i feel guilty about eating more often than anything else 'cause i really love junk food it's really good i have very little food willpower 'cause i used to be a fat guy i'm not sure what the hardest decision i ever had to make was uh made a lot of hard decisions i guess it was pretty hard to leave los angeles after my ex and my best friend did a whole bunch of nasty stuff but it wasn't even that hard 'cause it pushed me to do it so it's a tricky question madam uh oh you know broken collarbone severe pain get surgery on it it all seemed like it made sense at the time mm no my memories are important i have lived a spoiled blessed life and if i changed anything then it wouldn't be the same universe i like this universe uh my little brother lives here he's awesome he's actually right outside waiting for me uh my mom is crazy my dad is crazy everyone else is crazy i'm pretty crazy uh but since most of the rest of them live so far away don't really have to deal with them too much relationship is positive and sparce uh jackrabbit's been a pretty positive influence on me lately she is a magical creature uh well there's the part where she's intensely physically beautiful there's the part where she manages to hit me with the best inspiration words there's the part where she actually works on the exact things that make me excited there's the part where she pops in and out of my life at the exact right instance and then there's the part where she is a hundred percent kind and caring all the time all of those things are really nice but then when you add to that and compound it with the fact that she does this all without wanting anything in return i don't know that's smitten uh what a funny question how do i know them as though she's multiple people how did you know uh i know her through my bicycle friends uh the hard part is going to bed but as soon as i get to to sleepland i'm pretty much there until an earthquake uh hits so i i get to sleep poorly but then i'm a pro at it so it doesn't matter less verbose and that's about it my dark circles get slightly larger and i'm pretty much the exact same dude because i've been doing it most of my life uh so stoked that i might as well be on fire um mm because the universe in its infinite uh i suppose the word is sardonic sense of humor uh has managed to convince me of the reality of magic in the arthur c clark sense uh so as a fortunate and vaguely aware being eh it's my privilege to get to enjoy more time like this uh yeah uh my excitement is increasing at an almost exponential rate and i'm feeling more and more inspired all the time if i could just work on the motivation i'd be set mm not since you asked me on the form a little while ago no uh no i used to think i had it but who knows at this point that was awhile ago uh i was very unhappy with most of my life for a very long time and then i moved to los angeles and started having fun mm and then that's uh yeah the rest is ancient history um twenty thirteen uh working on my shoes this morning was really nice doodling uh an art project that all my friends helped and put on that's that was really nice it's a nice feeling that's a very good question i'm not actually sure i'll ask him later today though um i guess i'm enthusiastic i am thesauric and i am i'm gonna have to say highly analytical uh it'd be nice if i could get my super powers back that'd be pretty cool uh like turning on some of the fancier finely tuned and delicate machinery that chinese medicine has clued me into inside myself uh that's a really tough one i think the thing that i'm most proud of would probably be you know i'm not actually sure oh all sorts of stuff but i'm working on that don't masturbate so much uh jackrabbit really bad puns uh and dessert no problem bye ellie,0 +458, yes i'm doing fine thank you i'm from los angeles california yes um well the main thing i like the weather um i like the lifestyle i like um the variety of beach um snow we have it all um some things i don't like about l_a um the rent is way way way way too expensive it's ridiculous um i have i'm well-traveled um i enjoy seeing new places going new places um it's different everywhere the people are different um it's fun um okay well the most recent is last year i went to family reunion in new orleans so that was in june and um while i was there we also visited slidell louisiana for the um the swamp tours and vicksburg mississippi where my mom is from and we spent the night in ferriday lousiana with my aunt who will be a hundred and one this year in may um there's a lot um as far as traveling or just period uh most memorable experience um well i don't know if it's just one um probably when i used to travel with my dad that's where i got a lot of my traveling from um yeah it was bus car sometimes planes uh mostly what just i guess i'll say mostly down south but it was really fun especially the road trips mhm um just general and also drama uh well my dream job is to become a real estate investor um well i've sort of really been into it ever since two thousand five um i just don't have the capital right now or the connections that um since i do like real estate i'm just going to start off as a real estate agent so i should have my license um sometime this year outgoing um well i'm not shy um it could be a little bit of both but um i'm pretty outgoing um well speaking of hawaii i did uh live there for a year and a half but what do i do to relax is either um usually take a nap um take a bath um or just try to get things off of my mind and try to spend my energy in more positive ways um it needs to be worked on but um i know when to control it um when i need to um well me and my ex-husband still get into arguments um it was just over a text message but um actually it was my fault but um usually it's his but it just starts little and kind of snowballs out of control but um that's usually how it goes um well i xxx don't know what else to do except for pray on it because i thought once i moved into another house it would be over but i see that we're still getting into it so um i don't know maybe ignore it or if he wants to be right then let him be right i guess um probably quite a few things but i don't regret anything i've done in my life but um situation i wish i would've handled differently um just kind of everything in my life almost i could've done it differently or i would if i had the chance but i'm not worried about it 'cause i don't regret anything that i've done in my life the hardest decision um probably when i had to get a divorce that mm that may have been the hardest or one of the hardest decisions um it was just a lot of um a lot of stuff through the years um the relationship had kind of deteriorated um if the relationship between us was still good then the things that he were doing um i would have been able to overlook it a little bit more because um i've i would feel like well our relationship is good and it's difficult to find a really really good relationship but since our relationship deteriorated and there's just a lot of disagreement and arguing and problems financial problems and he's doing this so um i just decided just forget it i mean i tried but eh you know he didn't wanna cooperate so um well i'm happy with what's going on now i mean i wish that we could still be a family but since that's not going to happen yes i am happy with my life right now yes um something i can erase um mm i don't think i really need to erase anything um i've finally gotten over the way the kids treated me at school but other than that i can't think of anything to erase um it's fair slash good um there's no problems right now so i guess i'll just say good yeah there's no problems um well i would have to say my mother yes um well she's just always supported me and everything that i've done um whether it's good or not so good so um i think that's a blessing mhm um sometimes sometime it's not um well i just don't get enough hours of sleep i guess that's what it is as i would like to um sometimes so um that's more the problem i would like to get mhm um just sleepy yeah sleepy tired feeling like i wanna go take a nap um i've been feeling fine mhm uh no they've been about the same no no um really happy uh probably last week because i got over to a little bit of money so um well i guess my best friend would be my mom or maybe my um entertainment friend that i've been knowing since ninety six i really wouldn't i'm not gonna say i don't consider him a best friend but we don't really hang out that much but he is very um generous to me and my mom mhm so um well right now i spend my weekends doing chores and classwork and sleeping in but maybe after the classwork is out of the way um maybe i can do something else uh myself well i do wish that um at times i could control my temper a little more and um of course i would like to lose weight um be a little bit more active and um i wish my skin would clear up um it was probably when i was in school um school years are terrible for a lot of people because the kids are animals so um they try to make you feel like um you're nothing like you're piece of dirt under their foot so that's probably the last time as an adult no um i would say that i'm genuine um i'm honest um i'm supportive and um i'm just a good friend no um well uh twenty years ago um just because you're pregnant that doesn't mean that you're eating for two and you can eat loads of food like um people tell you um that's the main thing um i'm going to tell my daughters no um just eat as you normally eat but eat more healthier um there's no need to gain eighty pounds when the baby is just twenty pounds or less and you have all this weight to lose um also if i came into any money now twenty years ago i was probably just thinking about shopping or um just kind of spending it on frivolous stuff whereas now i would um invest it um so yeah i think that's about it um proud of uh mm i guess maybe myself um my kids k thank you bye,1 +459, hello yeah i'm alright a little tired uh i live in culver city um but originally i i was i grew up in venice um the beach fast drivers um the city i've lived in utah i don't really like anything else but the city um i don't know many people who live here anymore uh traffic it's too big but it's home uh i've been out of the country a few times uh seeing new seeing new places when i was fourteen i went to costa rica to visit my father and i was there for two weeks and that was the last time i've been there in costa rica um seeing my father for the first time in a few years was definitely a shocker um joy i was happy excited kinda scared it wasn't my decision it was my mom's she'd planned the trip yeah uh i wanted to be an art major but i didn't understand why i was in math classes among other classes and i thought i was wasting my time so i decided i really didn't wanna do that so i moved back to l_a i don't really have a dream job uh i would like to be self-employed though right now i'm thinking about going to school to become a personal trainer but i'm not really sure uh around new people i'm very reserved but the people i do know i'm a lot more outgoing and talkative um to relax i go on walks i walk my dog a lot um i call my girlfriend if i wanna calm down i also do uh meditation and self-hypnosis i try it depends on what how i'm feeling or how upset i am or how calm i'm trying to be if i'm really upset it's a lot harder for me to calm down and bring myself down through meditation or through self-hypnosis but yeah um i'm alright at it sometimes i lose it i yell when i lose my temper and i have put holes in walls not yet last night me and my mom got in an argument it was about me buying a ticket last night for a greyhound to go to utah i'm going up there to work for a few weeks and make a little bit of money and i needed to buy my ticket a week in advance and i didn't want to do it last night that situation last night i wish i had not blown up or gotten as raged enraged as i can over the situation 'cause it escalated my little sister i'm very close with um she's fifteen years old she's about to turn sixteen in a few days uh i would do anything for her she is the world to me my mom um we fight we push each other's buttons i believe she views me as my father she believes that i will not succeed at anything sad it's okay um i wish i could forget most of my high school years or my sophomore year uh i just didn't like high school or my sophomore year i uh getting sober and going uh into to a drug rehab um when i was sixteen i got um i just started doing a a few different drugs and it got out of hand i guess and my mom was trying to get me help and i didn't want the help so i kept uh escaping to different places and running away and not wanting to be in the places so i finally agreed to go to utah and try and get sober scrubbed_entry um he's my best friend my entire life ever since i can remember and we we grew up together he used to use drugs with me and he's been sober for more than a year now almost impossible um i either have to have no sleep the night before to get a few hours or i i just i don't i don't sleep well i'm against taking pills and i stopped smoking marijuana and so now i just i don't sleep or haven't been the past few weeks yeah it's not fun i lay in bed until i finally fall asleep in the early morning or i watch t_v until late at night or netflix i'm out of it i'm tired i'm groggy i'm a lot more likely to my anger is a lot more likely to come out i've been alright this weekend is been better than most my girlfriend has stayed at my place the entire weekend so i've been happy um i don't i'm not as irritable no but yes i was probably i was i believe i was twelve the first time i was diagnosed i've been diagnosed multiple times though um most recent time being less than a year ago uh my mom sought help for me she saw that i was unhappy and she became worried no uh i stopped in on june first when i graduated my uh drug rehab program in utah of last year i'm learned coping skills so i'm able to calm myself down when i'm angry easier i i i know how to stay away from the my trigger points and getting away from staying away from being angry or becoming depressed it can be if the person's willing to change and wanting it two days ago it was because i was with my girlfriend we were having a moment and so i was just overwhelmed by the happiness i guess trustworthy um funny shit i don't um outgoing smart athletic he would um yeah i wish i wasn't i was so short fused i wish i wasn't depressed i wish i didn't feel like i needed something to help me sleep i wish i was just completely dependable on myself um when i was younger my father would uh he once hit my dog in front of me 'cause he was mad at me so he started hitting the dog and i don't that was probably the biggest thing xxx i was little i remember just being sad yeah everyone has something they regret not to be so naive hmm uh i went to hypnosis i had a a an appointment for hypnosis a few days ago it was really relaxing really calming and i feel like it could help me um one of my mom's colleagues referred her to a psychiatrist who's really good with a_d_h_d and patients like that um i'm athletic um i'm nice i like to i put other people before myself most of the time i don't know if that's a negative quality or positive i i don't know my ideal weekend i would either go to a a few parties or i'll i'll hang out with my girlfriend out in fullerton or i'll be in los angeles or the beach um i haven't really felt like i've accomplished anything to be adequately proud of but i did very well in sports in high school and that's really it k bye,1 +461, yes i'm okay los angeles i like the arts i like the weather i like the people hmm it's expensive smoggy a lot of traffic no i don't well i like i like where i live i don't like to leave my familiar surroundings uh i i didn't i didn't study anything enough to make enough money to survive that would be a dream job uh somewhere in the middle maybe shy hmm i just try and uh and just meditate it's not easy oh not not real good at it but i don't get angry too often actually i think it has yes oh work situations where you get mad angry with another employee and mm you should be more cool and calm oh several days a few days ago it was about mm uh somebody's excessive drinking and uh and money not my drinking some frustrated person wasn't able to listen very easily well stuff that xxx dating back twenty years ago things in my marriage maybe uh arguing or being difficult sure i could've uh i could've been more mindful in certain situations one of them was whether or not i was should uh get married when i was much younger uh i didn't wanna disappoint my fiancee uh my girlfriend she wanted to get married so i didn't wanna hurt her feelings yes i think i did that didn't i uh instances where i wasn't an attentive father you always wanna be the best you can i'm very hard on myself it's uh uh very i uh i xxx i i'm i think back in every situation where i don't think i handled myself properly i have a twenty eight year old twenty seven year old son who just got married last month and he's doing very well he's happy and adjusted my daughter is twenty one and she's uh in school and uh she is doing very well also so my kids are come out very well i'm very lucky that they are such good kids no being consistent keeping your emotions in check well unconditional love from your kids that mm my parents were abusive and uh they threw me out at an eh i i didn't live with them i lived in a foster home and i'm not like that uh i don't i don't hit my kids i never i didn't hit my kids i still don't hit 'em and uh i think i'm a better parent i'm close with my son my daughter not so close but uh somewhat and that's all that's my entire family my two kids i have a sister too so i'm not very close with her certain therapists i've had mm they just uh help me with being uh with being mindful with being uh less hard on myself it's difficult can't fall asleep and when i do i wake up a lot after an hour or two stress maybe uh maybe just old age i'm not sure i looked it up on the internet it says old people don't really sleep very well once you reach my age i don't know i feel uh i don't feel right i feel tired uh depressed not well rested been very anxious and stressed out somewhat sad more than somewhat i've been sad lately well i'm not working right now i have a lot of pressures things don't seem to be going right i'm getting a lot of things seem seem to be uh not working out i'm getting a lot of bad news things aren't going my way sometimes always lately yeah i agree no i haven't mm depression or sadness i would say yes well i don't know if it's a diagnosis i xxx thirty years ago xxx thirty five years ago wanting to improve my life wanting to be the best person i can be wanting to be happy yes sometimes it's mostly uh i don't know i don't know if it's useful or not sometimes i think it is sometimes i think it isn't not much very little changes i'm not sure i've been in therapy for a long time so i don't uh it's been a a long time so i don't know what changes i can attribute to therapy or to myself last month at my son's wedding i was happy well just seeing my son happy and doing well and successful and knowing that uh he's turned out to be a better person than me i don't have a best friend i'm kind i'm compassionate i'm loyal i uh qualities funny um i can be articulate uh can't think of anything else right now more content happier i need to give myself a break sometimes i'm very hard on myself i would like to be um easier on myself not beat myself up so much happens every day uh if just every uh i registered my car it cost me a lot of money to register it and then it didn't smog i can't smog it and i put it off too long i procrastinate too much i should've kept my job i need to find a new job just i'm rambling on how about yourself how are you next question learn a trade go to school realizing that i will the future will come and it's here and i'm unprepared i did my i i prepared my kids though maybe movie or a theater theater um i ride my bike i drink coffee at starbucks i go i like theater and i go to the opera um conversation with people maybe that what about you my children okay you're welcome bye should i buzz the buzzer,1 +462, yeah i'm okay uh i'm from los angeles mhm oh um the weather the weather the weather the weather the beach the weather the beach the laid backness the driving instead of public transportation and the sporty um i really i don't know the lack of um uh uh mm i don't know there's not a lot i don't like about l_a as compared to most cities i really it's my favorite and i've lived around the world i love it i love l_a a lot yes i've lived in paris and i've been around the world a lot um uh it's just um it's fun and it's it's it's it's it's it's a blast it's good to see new places it's good to get to um get to experience all the fantastic um sights and and and cultures um uh well i mean um uh i i tended to actually do a lot of them um i probably would do them differently i think i'm more developed as a person now i i um i lived in paris for two years so and i lived in spain for spain was fun spain it madrid is a party town and then um and then so these were all work they were all work so i was working so it was um there's a grind there you didn't really appreciate you know what was around you so much and then i mean i still um i still i love going just to you know vacation spots like hawaii and and jamaica i'm still just really a sucker for that kind of stuff um i guess madagascar was pretty much like just really bitching because it was um it was in the eighties and it was like you were seeing a lot of uh people that had never seen white people before according to the guy driving us around i might he might've been lying um but it was just it was bitching africa was pretty much the best senegal and madagascar yeah um i'm right now about to go for an early childhood education degree and then i did a little bit of paralegal but that was really just to just to get the um just to get the stipend i didn't really have any concept of what i wanna do now i really do i have i was saying to rachel actually i don't know if you guys were able to overhear i really think that um the way the school system goes right now it um it just it it turns people into into um just um just uh dog eat dog um you know i i don't like the way the people it i think it's so draining the um school system right now and i feel pretty bad for everybody so i wanna try to fix that that would be my dream job that so i'm excited that like i wanna go in a direction that i wanna go in and yeah that would be my dream job is to work with sort of getting um kids on a more um organic universal um you know uh trajectory um i think it could be done i don't think it would be done via any sort of um legislation except here and there i mean it it that always ends up for becoming you know facade and farce itself anyway but i think there are ways i've always reached kids anyway and they've always felt where i was coming from and so i think you know there are ways to sort of buck the system without even talking to the system uh i guess i'm just a combination of the two i don't think um i don't know actually i'm kinda i might even be working that out there might some outgoingness to overcompensate for what's actually shyness and vice versa so you don't know yeah yeah yeah that's cool um i definitely um uh try to reflect and stay in a pretty lucid space as often as possible so a lot of lying down at the moment i'm in transition so there's just a lot of and i and i hang out with my dogs a lot so that's quite soothing i try not to do i don't really do anything that's too tense unless it's time for it like time to drive to a job or time to you know go make some things happen meetings and stuff but otherwise um i try to stay in a pretty relaxed space most of the time so it's not like break and but you know and i i miss i miss swimming i can't believe summer's coming so i'm gonna swim some more too um when i'm truly outraged uh it comes out and then i i'm i'm i'm hitting some kind of bad parts right now 'cause it's a very hard time i'm fighting for my child so there are times when i will just cuss up a storm just to get off some steam a little bit but usually pretty much there's always um you know someone in the periphery that gets it and and you know it's like that bumper sticker if you're not outraged you're not paying attention so usually some kind of sanity can prevail oh well i mean these are times where i just can't find somthing in the car and but when i argue with people it's been a lot of the times when i'm being flat out you know um sabotaged or or definitely just when uh what's the last specific time well i you know i lost my temper dreadfully with um unfortunately um the woman that gave me birth because that she is intrinsic in a lot of i mean she's pretty much a horrible person so i i recently lost my temper with her i felt like um i mean i like again um i think i sort of said this just now i felt in a way good because i get it you know which is as opposed to not getting it which is even worse but i guess there's another side of the bank of the thing to get to to where you can be a little more constructive about it it's like you know you get to a point where you're glad you can actually see that there's a horrible travesty going on but then you have to figure out how to deal with the horrible travesty but so i mean i don't i didn't feel like shame i really honestly didn't feel shame i didn't i didn't feel there are times when i feel like it was stupid to lose my temper just because there are people that will try to use that against you that's all but i never really feel bad for being angry about what i'm angry about well when i was pregnant i wish i had um like i said um i i went through um such an awakening about realizing when i was being sort of um undermined that um that demanding my respect became a huge issue and when i was pregnant i ended up being so disrespected in the place 'cause i was being a hippie on the beach for six years so i always felt like i was being so disrespected in the place where um i was set to be when the child arrived that i stormed out via what was a good survival mode before but left me jumping out of the frying pan into the fire and they got my kid so yeah it's fucked up yeah i don't want to erase anything from my memory i like having everything consolidated and cohesive i don't and integrated i don't wanna erase anything from my memory um well did i get it right or did i get it wrong um yeah i'm uh i guess the hardest decision was whether or not to sign um sign mediation agreement with d_c_f_s and i should've said no let's just go straight to court because the there is nothing wrong with me i just happen to succumb to an s_s_i check via bullshit with my mother and i should've just been you know um brave enough to just go in there and do that and instead i chickened out and did their mediation and they played me out overcautiousness it's horrific horrendous bourgeoise quality intrigue and sabotage it's bad it's okay someone that i mean there's been um you know there's been some some great people uh again from afar i have not sort of really um achieved a real great ability to build relationships and i'm working through that right right right right now and i think that's a lot why i don't have my son but as i've grown and developed i've seen encouragement from like minded souls and you can see that and so that's wonderful and um but otherwise you know a constant you know contact with someone that's really good for me it has been hard for me to um get to that point not so easy these days at all um i'm being i've been um i'm not completely centered and then there's been some um actual you know uh people thinking it's funny to harass me or jolt me as they walk by and so there's been actual harassment and stuff like that um i'm still pretty pollyanna'd out i still forge ahead and try to be as pleasant as possible i'm tired and drained and a little bit um frustrated because that i know that um i've been sort of that i sort of have a bit of um my um energy and and space being usurped usurped and i can tell and i don't know how to get through that and past it no no um there are i'm i'm i'm basically very very very happy pretty much blissed out person but um this fighting for my son has me sort of trudging areas that it's as if the same trees that were thrown in my road in childhood before i realized i was such a happy person are thrown there again so i'm going through some of the same pitfalls and mistakes but you know um during the day i'll i'll i'll i'll think something completely true and organic and i i'll just stare at something and go wow that's beautiful and i'll be reminded that i'm pretty close to my spirit so um i try to stay there twenty four seven i'm pretty spiritual that way um uh uh fun i mean if i had one that was willing to say all the nice things about me gets pretty competitive out there um that you know that i'm this is off you guys that i'm funny and that um and that um i think that's bad um that i'm funny and that i'm good and that that i'm trustworthy um just uh i'm i'm i not necessarily change but grow through um my ability to connect with the people i wanna connect with and disconnect from the people that manage to to drain me i already said i regret the thing with um leaving the place where i could've delivered my son even though i was being um uh sort of abused get the fuck away from your mother sorry um you know and like a lot of the um and and yeah and to open your eyes look what look what's going on i'm proud of my um spirit and my outlook and my um my access to um what's really going on in the world and my um awakeness i'm just proud of me as a person okay you're welcome bye,0 +463, yes i am i am pretty good uh i was born in los angeles california yes um i like the fact that everything is close by um all the stores the shops xxx um the traffic um i've traveled but not too much uh going away from your usual days um exploring new sights um three weeks no a month ago i went to las vegas uh with me and my friends and we just went sightseeing um in las vegas we went to the hoover dam and um it was breathtaking um the it was really big and we saw the the big canyon and it was impressive i've never seen something like that before i studied nursing uh i graduated two months ago so i took my uh board exam to be licensed and i passed so i'm just waiting for my license in the mail my dream job is to be a registered nurse um long time ago when i was a little boy i got injured and my parent had to take me to the hospital and um the doctors came by and they had to stitch me up on the leg and i saw all of that and that made me want to pursue it the medical field uh yes i am very happy uh my relationship with my family is okay not good not bad it's it it's in between uh i am close i am very close to them um mm if i have a problem i i go to them for help um someone who's been a positive influence has been my best friend since elementary school yes yes uh we've known each other since we were in the third grade and we've uh we've gone to elementary middle school and high school together and he lives like two blocks away so he's basically like like a brother of of mine i am shy um i really don't know i've i've always been a quiet person um ever since i can remember hmm what do i do i i go into my room i turn my a_c on and i just relax in my bed i am pretty good i'm pretty good at controlling my temper yes the last time i argued with someone was about um work i was disappointed um not angry just disappointed because my manager he wanted me to do something faster than what i usually can handle and he already knew that um my workload was a lot but he didn't understand that so that made me just very like sad mm i cannot remember one the hardest decision i ever had to make was dropping out of school um i felt that i didn't really belong uh far away from home and so i was just thinking ahead um i was in a major that i didn't really like and so i decided to just not go next semester and go back home to l_a um right now that i'm looking at it yes i i am very happy that i did that because i wouldn't have gone to nursing school and i wouldn't have been a licensed vocational nurse right now hmm i don't have an event um it depends on the days um where i work or where i don't work yes right now i i work at um at a retail store early in the morning i i go at three in the morning and i get out at ten a_m so it's really hard for me to get a good night's sleep when i don't sleep well i can be a little bit grumpy uh irritated or just frustrated with the situation lately i've been okay okay i've been good uh no i have not no no hmm the last time i was really really happy and excited was when i found out that i passed my license board exam to be a nurse my best friend would've described would describe me as a caring nice sweet shy quiet guy um physically speaking i would change how i look from the outside um i i'm a little i'm overweight and i would like to lose some weight and just look good from the outside hmm i don't have one no i don't um this one time i at my work uh it's a retail store i i kinda took some merchandise without buying it um it was a risk that i took but um since no one was around and the opportunity the opportunity was right there for me to get it i just got it and i took it home i don't know yes last weekend i went to i i went yard saleing with my family and it was pretty fun and going out to different yard sales and finding uh random stuff um i bought this big black bean bag it was huge and it was on it was only for two dollars and so i got it and now it's in my room and i sit on it i am most proud of is the fact that i am a nurse um that i am a nurse um i'm just waiting for my for my license in the mail and after that i would just send out my resumes to different hospitals and xxx and nursing homes bye,0 +464, mhm um i'm doing good what about you mhm um l_a los los angeles but i currently reside reside in inglewood wait did i answer your question i don't know okay l_a um the murals the ocean what else the people my family's over here so that's the best part what about you oh wait yeah um i would say the smog yeah the air it could be cleaner and yeah um that's pretty 
     i mean there's good people and bad people too but yeah for the most part it's all good um yeah i've been to mexico  uh mexico and the temples and northern california so yes traveling like cleaner air that's good it's healthier for your body cleaner bloodflow the um people culture and stories and when you come back you share stories with like your friends yeah um any time like right now or when okay so like this one time when i was kid we went out to the temples and um it started raining so we just start walking through and like when we get to the top one thing i didn't know before is that the higher you go the the smaller the steps get so like people back then had uh smaller feet so what happened was as i went higher towards the temple i had to walk sideways so my feet could measure up to the the the steps but once you get up there it's a nice view i yeah uh general education but um mainly art yeah i took a lot of a lot of art classes um well when i was a kid i scribbled on walls with crayola so i figured you know like it kinda stuck around with me so i just pursued it so yeah my dream job would be to get paid for painting painting art yeah um yeah pretty simple um it's not so much that it's hard it just requires passion um persistence and faith and will you just have to really believe in yourself the more you believe in yourself the more likely you are able to succeed mhm i consider myself to be shy in certain um time and places but i am also out outgoing when like i have the energy so i feel like it's well balanced you know like i'm shy when it's i guess okay to be shy you know and i'm outgoing when like the need to actually um have fun or just explore it feels good like if that makes sense but yeah  yeah to uh relax um either well i don't know if i should say this but i smoke weed  so that helps and i like painting painting pretty much helps me relax you know especially when i use the color blue because the color blue um relaxes me and also green when i use these two colors and make a painting it calms calms me down yeah and you have a blue shirt yeah my temper um well my thoughts my thoughts control my emotions and my emotions yeah that's pretty much how my temper i i try to make sense you know like is it worth getting mad or if i do get mad what will be the outcome you know so controlling my temper is just by training my thought um  the last time i argued with somebody was with my with my father and it was because i wanted to eat food but he wanted me to buy wine so right when the food was ready i was hungry to eat and he was like no so that kinda frustrated me and the way i handled it was like well i could just eat when i come back and i'm doing him a favor so you know and then after you know i could just eat in eat in peace so yeah my family um it's pretty good um my mom my dad have a good relationship still still married and my brothers and sisters um we help one another out so that's good it's just yeah it's like a team a situation i wish i could handle differently would be hmm that's a good question i mean can i get a scenerio okay um a situation i could handle differently well see that's the thing like i feel like if i'm calm in any situation i could figure it out you know but if it came down to like a rubik's cube maybe how would i handle the situation would be just by uh failing um failing making mistakes because i would make the right mistakes and the right lessons would come after so that's the best way i could answer your question you know yeah a positive influence pretty much anybody who told me the truth has been a positive influence  influence  you know like yeah even though it may hurt like oh the truth does hurt well they're not trying to be mean they're actually good influences so i would say my friends uh my mom my dad my brother my sisters yeah mm well see that's the thing like you like i have i've had some pretty bad experiences with like being at gunpoint and with a knife but at the end of the day what that did was like give me more insight it made me more aware and it taught me how to read people a little bit more like just sense things out and also how to avoid situations so even though it was bad and it did kinda like scar me it did prepare me for like the world you know because this happened to me when i was like twelve thirteen years old so i was already being exposed to like you know like guns knives and all that stuff so it's it's bad but it's good in the long term you know because if you get out of that slump it's like nothing else would really phase you because oh you think you know in your head like oh i've been through worse so it's not as bad you know and so yeah the hardest um man this one right now uh see for a the moment i got stuck i was like trying to think that was that was part of it but uh hardest decision as far as like life changing life changing whether to continue school college or not mm i kinda chose to like i went to school but i chose to pursue my own like like i'm learning more by connecting myself with people who are already in the field i wanna be in so that was a hard choice because there was no um guarantee that i would like run into like the right people but i took that chance and you know i met the right people so yeah yeah yeah um it's actually really easy i sometimes yeah like if i wanted to i could sleep right now in like ten minutes you know i could just like shut down my mind like yeah just calm down like like slow down my air pattern yeah mhm lately i've been feeling good i've been feeling like i have free will like at this point in time i feel like if i chose a path any path with like my heart i could get there you know but i'm kind of like still deciding it's like everything in all all these paths are in the air just trying to make my own i don't know that's where i'm at i feel like i have free will so yeah lately like in the past two weeks or today  okay uh yeah you know like um yeah things happen that would change like my feelings and for example right now it just happened huh for right now like this experience for one is kind of like a shift in my thought because yeah it's like it's technology you know it's like it's a trip to see how far like one could take a thought and then make it reality so that's kinda like shifting my thoughts right now this experience this this whole experience yeah uh post traumatic stress disorder no depression i know how it's like to be depressed but diagnosed by a doctor no uh depression how how it feels how does depression feel like it feels like it's like a bird in a cage being depression is like being  a fish who can't swim in the water i have feeling depression is like being a bird without wings um pretty much it feels like you're limited but then the thing is to get out of that depression it's like you have to awaken and change your perspective and focus on like i i would say colors colors help and people talking to people helps yeah um being depressed mm let's see mm i don't know like it could  it could come like it could happen everyday in like in small doses doses so like i i could say today you know earlier when i was just by myself i felt a little depressed but then what happened i fixed it like called up a friend and met up with him and yeah um i mean at this moment i feel pretty happy you know i'm talking to a virtual person it's pretty cool and yeah right now i feel happy  um sometimes hard headed like he would try to teach me um a certain lesson whether it's art or just like in my character and yeah he would probably just describe me as like like like he would listen but at the same time he'll still do what he wants to do so pretty much like i don't know yeah i mean that's what he tells me but yeah overall good person um probably just exercise um my diet food my food intake and yeah just exercise pretty much it my health mm i would say when i was like in middle school or in elementary a little bit of high school too but what it would yeah what it would be was it would either be about um well pretty much my art  like if i ever did something and i thought it was good then someone else would be like oh you know that looks kinda like like trash and then i'd be like oh damn either i could accept it and be like yeah it does kinda look and then fix it or what i would do back then would be like damn you know just kinda dwell on that thought and then just like stay there for a bit and then eventually i'll come out of it but yeah usually it's um people's words and ideas that yeah yeah so that's it regret um yeah i got a couple things i regret like what well sometimes i feel like i should've completed a whole university thing but i mean at the same time i feel like if i really wanted to go i would have gone so yeah that's kind of a regret in my head ten or twenty years ago would be um seek spiritual well being you know learn how to um handle your thoughts choose your thoughts i would teach myself um pick the right  people you surround yourself with because that   definitely has a major influence in your environment uh certain events you would experience and as far as your overall happiness yeah yeah among other things but yeah what i'm most proud of right now is my paintings yeah i'm proud of that because like i feel like these paintings i'm releasing are things that no one else could duplicate you know it's like it's one of a kind and like it's it's there you know it's has own signature so so yeah i'm i'm pretty happy about that yeah thank you alright thank you mhm alright bye ,0
+465,  yeah cool i'm hanging out you know being on an adventure chilling culver city california yeah yeah all the different microcosms and different places and peoples and scenes and stuff you know it's very big very vast it's crazy i don't know i can't i mean of course there's a bunch of things i could say but uh i i i don't know i mean i i like l_a i like even the bad you know it's just all a part of the experience in general you know  yeah i've been around the country a bunch uh again it's like going into another world it's like quantum leap i get to transport to a whole another  realm of people and uh you know learn about them and stuff and hang out and drink beers and smoke weed and write and rap and do drugs and hang out more and all sorts of shit man it's crazy  oh really oh oh oh oh okay um yo i went to san francisco recently and i was there for like eight days i rapped at this house party in san jose real quick then i went to davis did the same thing i took the train chilled in san francisco hung out with some of my middle school friends for hella long then uh yeah it was crazy i was just walking usually i ride bikes everywhere but i was just like walking this this whole time and it was cool i was mad exploring i got um i got back home eventually then after that i went directly to texas and did some shows on the way going to texas and stayed out there for eight days and that was  it was it was gnarly it was crazy i don't even know man it was it's so much happened it was you know i had fun um i went to this place called the salton sea and me a bunch of my bicycle friends we um  we got into cars and went way out into the desert and we um yeah it was tight we were burning stuff we burned a car we drove the car it was like a road warrior type of car and um it it it it was crazy man like it was like fifteen niggers on one car it was like gnarly we got naked went into a stream i did hella shrooms did hella molly smoked a ridiculous amounts of weed got retarded drunk somebody tried to give me some mescaline i didn't wanna do that but this was like in march before i went on the other trip this was like the precursor to my other trip it was the salton sea trip but yeah it was tight i saw a lot of nakedness that trip yeah really i'm hella outgoing outgoing for sure smoke weed  what did i study uh um oh i i was studying  um photography and photojournalism and uh yeah yeah that's about it got to use the computer for free got to get use baller ass cameras for free and i would just do a little uh i would do man on the street type shit with students not man on the street but the ones where you take their picture and it's like i forgot what it was called it was long ago nah nah nah not anymore this being me and just  hanging out i rap that's what i do i do little shows around the country and stuff i got a little fan base and i'm just always you know just doing that just doing art i draw too my my dream job is not working a job and being me that's the dream job getting paid for being me so that's yeah i'm pretty good like two weeks ago i was at this after hours one i was already like super drunk and two it was after hours three it was after hours so like man i had a bunch of pens these dudes took my pens away  pens in my like fanny pack i had like a fanny pack so i had pens in there 'cause i do art he's like nah dog you can't take this in and i'm like okay for sure let me just leave 'em right here and i'll get 'em when i come out and he was like okay i come out and they're gone accidentally knock a beer over and he gets mad at me he's like you gotta go now and i'm like that wasn't my fault that was your fault but then but then while that happened my homie was getting like ambushed by these three big old security guards and then you know when i saw them put hands on my friend that's when i really lost it and i and he and i was like better let go of my friend right now he's like what you gonna do ese  and i'm like what you gonna do and then like he threw me to the ground then i and and no no he had his arm over me i put my arm over him and threw him to the ground and then it got broken up but that was the last time i got angry it was cool it was fun life you know huh i made  maybe that maybe that situation could've been handled differently it could've been handled differently if they would've been handling things differently then i wouldn't have to react it's not like i was mad i was acting off of reaction i had to react like that because like justice like i couldn't it was unjust it was like i'm not a mean person at all but when i saw one of my loved ones get attacked i had to like come and like you know like react to that and they were the hot you know what i mean i was like yo ya niggas is tripping like yo chill out this is a tiny little white dude you're a humongous ass mexican nigga it's like you need to fall back you know what i mean it was crazy  guilty uh i don't know i steal shit sometime from stores when i'm hungry if i got no money i guess i'm not really guilty 'cause i don't know actually yeah i don't feel guilty about that food should be free know what i mean but um yeah i don't know i lie i guess i lie  everybody lies sometime i lie sometimes maybe like little like idle here and there exaggerations okay  nah nah never the hardest i guess i don't really know what the hardest decision was but i get faced with hard decisions and those would be like i got so many friends sometimes i can't really hang out with everybody in one weekend so it's like i gotta make decisions like if i go over this sector of the town i'm gonna hang out with x y z niggas if i go over here x y z niggas so it's like heavy you know those are hard decisions 'cause i never like to let anybody down so uh yeah stuff like that deciding between friends to hang out with ouch it's cool i live with my mom i come home like every three to four days so i'm i who what could you repeat the question um my aunty oh she's just really nice she's like a little sweet little blind old lady who cooks really good and it's tight i don't know something i could erase from my memory i wouldn't wanna erase anything from my memory 'cause that'll be like because like the experiences you go through make you who you're who you are i think weak people like to wanna erase things or block things out like i don't that doesn't exist i mean there's shit that's been hard but i would never say i would not want that to happen 'cause you know you must you gotta learn from experience you know i mean to be the better you all that shit is like a is like test you know that bad experience is just a test you gotta overcome and be stronger and not just like curl up and be like oh my god life's hard oh you know that shit's for weak people i don't believe in that i have compassion for people who do get a who do wanna do stuff like that but i still like i don't see the logic in it mm i mean i stay up pretty late and do all sorts of reckless ass shit so uh but when i am home and it's pretty easy i could just go to sleep you know when i get tired i get tired yeah lately i've been on this like i've been partying hella tough lately like oh my god for at least six days like today coming to do this talk to you was the first time i've been able to come back to culver city since like friday 'cause i've been downtown and then it was like cinco de mayo and it was like you know random ass parties i went to with homies smoking ridiculous amounts of cigarettes drinking beers fucking did some molly fucking did some coke fucking shit was crazy yo it was just like uh it was a rockstar weekend or a week or type of stuff that's post traumatic stress syndrome no i have not i have not but i get oh i mean shoot saturday i was hella happy  it was great but i was under the influence so but it was still great you know i was mad empathic like mad like a flirty mm i was freestyling like a g i was like kicking hella rhymes  uh it was dope you know analyzing my life realized some stuff that i'm gonna change about my life and uh yeah it was i had a ball it was great it was awesome i  oh yeah it was no i didn't even have a crazy comedown i'm i'm like i'm chilling i definitely gained a couple pounds from last week i've been drinking a lot of beers i'm feeling a little extraneous but besides that i'm i'm ready hmm okay i don't know as a lovable dude people be loving me man they don't like me they love me and that shit's crazy i just you know i just try to be happy i try to make people happy and just you know  be real posi-core as they've said like this is hella positive 
     positive you know man i really don't wish i could i mean i'd lose weight i guess that's about it but besides that i that's i mean i ride bikes every day like my legs are pretty strong maybe i'd just get more buff in the arm but that's about the only thing i would change and i don't really  i'm not really in a hurry to change that like if that happens just through me living and me biking more then yeah cool but i don't not  i'm not you know abrupt change i don't need i mean gradual change sure but i'm not i don't know yeah i wouldn't change anything but if i would it would be that but really nothing 'cause i'm chilling right now uh i don't know i got broken up with like in august that made me feel bad about myself i guess and yeah it was just somebody i was going out with but they just broke up with me and like that shit sucked but that was probably the last time like i felt really bad about myself  um what exactly do you wanna know about that oh like um i don't know we were just going out and then she was just hella jealous and was going through my phone sometimes and accusing me of shit but then she ended up breaking up with me just 'cause she wanted to like mess around with other people and that was the relationship in a nutshell uh life sucks you gotta adapt and change man know what i mean don't walk from it run to what'd you say yeah that bitch gave me s_t_ds that shit sucks fucking a that's the only thing i regret yeah man it's a cold game but i i got the shot it was cool i'm like boom clean but that's about it i don't know she's a cool person we still hang out you know she keep losing i'm just gonna keep winning know what i mean don't run from it run to it know what i mean  wait wait ten  ten or twenty years ago i i was only seven years old you what do i tell my seven year old self he wouldn't be able to comprehend the advice i would give what  what'd you say oh oh oh yeah he wouldn't um be able to comprehend the advice i'd give him i'd be like just um fucking read a little more books or something dude like uh i don't know man fucking it's gonna be okay you're you you you're great just keep doing  cool shit and have a ball i don't know i wouldn't know i wouldn't wanna alter young me actually and this is why i say this because if i would to tell my young self to do something differently i would not have grown into the person i am right now to even be able to tell my young self something if if  if the laws of quantum physics and all that shit is real and time travel you know anything i do in the past would this life would be now be a variable so me going back there telling him to do something differently will alter the course of history and then the time stream that i'm in may not may cease to exist you know what i'm saying so i really wouldn't wanna do that i'll just be like do fuck up fuck up more even but yeah make more mistakes 'cause the only way to to be a better person is to make hella mistakes you know at least that at least that's like my my reckless like mindstate like yo if you're gonna fuck up fuck up hard 'cause you'll learn more from it you know they say what do they say um experience is the best professor you know what i'm saying that's basically what that that's how i jive you know what i mean  i'm proud of this life that i'm here doing stuff like this  like i'm like so stoked i've been around the country i've been on people's albums i write i do voiceover works from time to time and yeah i people know me i rap i ride bikes i've infiltrated multiple subculturals i mean subcultures and types of people in the city scrubbed_entry and um yeah man i don't know i guess it's like i live my life like i'm running for mayor but i'm not really running for mayor i'm just running to be the best me i can be so i'm kissing hands and shaking babies along the way and it it's been a rad fantastic time and it could only get bigger and better  are you sure woah totally that's crazy bye i love you  you love you too that's tight should i press the button now or what oh okay okay well can you wave do you do that do you wave oh you don't wave okay for sure bye,0
+466,   yes uh okay  los angeles the weather um the variety of um environments the ocean you know various different environment or environmental variety  um i don't like the superficiality of people um the narcissistic attitude um uh just the um uh it it doesn't have a small town sort of feel where you know just the warmth the human sort of warmth interactively so yeah no um i have um a fear of flying and i have um i've developed agoraphobia  uh incredibly difficult um yeah i'm i'm guessing you mean the agoraphobia um more so than the fear of flying um it's uh it's more of a recent um development and um it's um eh it's progressing  progressing um to be worse uh it's very um uh what's the word um immobilizing and and very um distressing actually mhm  yes it is how to i cope with that um just uh just trying to um uh do the best i can and uh try to you know have the most courage i can in the situation and challenge myself in um small steps um i read a lot i do um bibliotherapy reading um and i try to inform myself um of the um of the professional literature um so that i could um hopefully overcome it someday mhm um yes definitely um uh certain things trigger it like um enclosed spaces um being in a car traveling um uh being away from home um being in someone else's car uh things that are outside of my uh locus of control um uh xxx actually i i don't go to school right now um my dream job is to be a psychologist  um i'm not a psychologist but what would make me decide to do that is um uh having lived um through some challenges like this um having lived through some traumas um but i've always had an interest in it um since junior high of um uh i'm very interested in people and um in human interaction and human connection and um the betterment of of uh of those things um bridging people together and helping people interpersonally through their challenges  uh personal uh challenges um uh so that's that's sort of um it in a nutshell um i think i'm someone who's um i can be very outgoing um and sort of um a warm and friendly presence very um easily but i think on  on on the exterior um but i think i'm shy and i challenge it to do that i think at heart i'm shy um but uh but i i challenge myself completely 'cause i do love human interaction so i take those risks and and jump and those challenges uh the last time i interacted with somebody was  today if  if i think i'm understanding your question correctly oh no no eh i think i'm misunderstanding your question but i i interacted with rachel um i just i'm um continuously interacting with people take taking those risks uh very good um mm very good  um when was the last time i argued with somebody i actually can't remember it wasn't recent  i have to think about that i don't know yet let me think um uh i'm drawing a blank um i can only rememeber things um from when i was like twenty one  right now i can't think of anything contemporary right right now my mind is okay uh when i was younger yes um i lost um a relationship with my aunt and my uncle and my cousins um 'cause when i was twenty one i'm forty five um i um uh uh had a a disagreement with my aunt and um i said something that was uh critical of her and um she threw me out of their home and um uh let me back uh i apologized immediately and they let me back into their lives um and changed their minds um so i regret that um i'm assuming you mean um how did i feel when they asked me to um never uh be in their lives again and to leave um uh shattered soul shattered heart shattered well that that was my family that was um the the good side of my family there's um uh uh the majority of my family  they were they were the the loving aspect of my family um the rest of my family is very cruel and um like very abusive um i don't have any relationship with my family at all like the since i was um uh twenty one since my aunt and uncle um uh disowned me i guess is the right word estranged yeah um gosh um i'm drawing a blank just bear with me for one second um something i could um erase um  i can't even get it to my memory um uh as an example um uh i was injured and i wish i could get uh that away from my memory yeah um i was injured in um the emergency room scrubbed_entry doing um i went in for food poisoning um i was ordered to go in um by a doctor um i had collapsed and i was ordered to go into the e_r for as i said food poisoning and i came out um injured with a neurological syndrome i was injured with a um uh what do you call it um uh intraveneous procedure um and now i have um r_s_d reflex sympathetic dystrophy and it the scene in the emergency room was um it was a an out of control scene there was a problem with the procedure and the doctor was yelling at his staff who made a mistake um eh and it was extremely excruciating um it was a a crisis and so um every time i think about the injury and it was uh disfiguring i got disabled um for  i uh got disabled for it uh disabled permanently um from it i was also um uh disabled from my employment for a quite amount of quite a given amount of time as well and and it i have residual um physical trauma from it and disfigurement and um severe disability  disability limited um um functionality uh with my right my i'm right-handed uh with my right hand and arm thank you i don't even know what that is um i you know i i really i apologize 'cause i can't really probably give you the uh most suitable answer um uh i'm guessing it had something to do with um my cat um and her um her xxx urgent uh um uh what do you call it um hurt she was in intensive care veterinary care and i'm sure it had something to do with that um but other than that i would say um i had uh choosing my life path whether scrubbed_entry um and uh i was admitted um to that program or whether i was gonna go um to um art school for four years um and i had to pick a life direction but uh that's not a traumatic situation um so i i don't know how best to answer your question i can't um i have um severe nightmares  and i have um nocturnal um uh panic attacks and i also have physical illness on top of it and i'm in excruciating pain yes yes yes uh they're triggered by the injury that i told you um they're triggered by my family um they've  how they've treated me what um they've said to me what they've done to me um they're triggered by um what else um my um my physical um illness um not my injury only but my physical um illness as well um so yes um i feel very ill and feel so fatigued very ill and very fatigued um when i don't sleep and get enough sleep um uh my anxiety level i believe is up and um i'm susceptible to feeling distressed um so yeah yes um three years ago um my  my most recent um diagnosis and in two thousand and one as well uh yes um three years ago and um when i was um twenty years old um the my background my childhood um from my family of origin um and their um uh uh you know the abuse that i um went through uh and their ultimate um uh uh what's the word um rejection of me and uh estrangement um that was the first uh reason um no i stopped six months ago  um why did i stop um i'm just taking a break  i'm gonna continue yes very much it's helped tremendously um i think it helps with anxiety it helps with um um it helps inspire um create inspiration it helps um um uh feeling connected um it helps to create um what i ultimately um my goal is to um give myself a voice and um um uh it helps to to do  to uh it  it's part of that process um it also helps um to understand myself um to learn about myself um and eh there's just so many benefits it's i i'll stop right there there's many more mhm um the last time i felt really happy it was a was a really long time ago um it was before my illness um and it was in nineteen ninety seven um the onset of my illness was in july of ninety seven so it was um before that  yes um i was um in a very good place um in terms of my career um um in terms of um uh my just my relationships and um everything was just sort of at it's best um uh career relationships um personal um uh fulfillment um sort of um as well um i was very active and and doing uh very many things that were meaningful to um build a life um and i was um in the process of um uh just in the in  in the planning stages of my life but also very accomplished at at the same time so it was just things were just going very well and um i just really liked uh the just where my life was at it was just in a really good place in many ways mhm um i wish i could change about myself um my anxiety um i wish i could change about myself um my agoraphobia my p_t_s_d um meaning my trauma um and um uh what else um um my insecurity uh as far as um uh just um with  with other people in the sense that i'm always trying to make sure that um that i don't do something that that um hold on one second i'm just trying to make sure that um i don't do anything that's um offensive to them or insults them um or uh is disrespectful um and i i feel like i'm overly um cautious about that and um it it it kinda becomes um an anxiety unto itself um so i i definitely think that that would be beneficial uh to change um the other thing i'd like to change about myself is i wish i could feel um and also depression i'd like to change that about myself i wish i could feel better um i wish i didn't feel um uh so um uh i didn't wish i didn't have the burden that i do of um my family um of not having one um and uh what else um i wish i didn't have my illness and the physical um excruciating pain that i'm in uh so those are some things um and i also wish that um and this is um a a by-product of p_t_s_d i wish that i didn't have um uh the the symptomology of p_t_s_d um 'cause that definitely um affects one's complete  complete the complete life like eh a lot their affects their life uh completely um and i i wish i was more articulate and i wish i was um someone who was well-spoken and someone who is well-written um but there's many there's many more um uh things that i wish i could change about myself to improve myself so many more  um i'm not sure uh  maybe to um not be so trusting um i trusted um i trusted some medical professionals that um you know again created the injury and um you know were there's a uh what's the word there's an expectation and a sort of a demand to just blindly trust um the medical profession um and  um don't ask questions and just sort of um you know and if and not to trust your own self your own um your own instincts um or intuition um and so i would i would've told myself to be a little more careful um i guess if that's useful to your question  um what did i really enjoy um you know i can't think of anything specific um but um i know it would have to do um with either reading or um connecting with someone on a meaningful level  i'm most proud of um my compassion um my um my uh empathy and caring about people um despite um i mean i'm proud of it anyways but um also particularly  um i come from a um an environment that's the opposite um a background and um i wasn't taught that  um but i really do care about people and um i'm i guess i'm most proud of that i'm also proud of my um career accomplishments um and my um tenacity um my fierce  my fierce tenacity to succeed um  and uh you know just um also to get um the strength it takes to get through um the injury uh to live with it and to live with the illness um that i live with the physical illness um so i i think that would be it  yes okay you're welcome bye,0
+467,  yeah i'm okay with it uh i feel i feel pretty good little  little nervous because i've never done anything like this before that's why  yeah from ohio cincinnati yeah uh two months ago two and a half months uh was just looking for just wanted to be in a new environment oh yeah i'm ecstatic very happy uh it took a few weeks just to get adjusted 'cause i didn't know anyone  the weather is probably the best thing yeah and uh i mean other than that it's pretty much the same as everywhere else i've been there's nothing i don't really  really like about l_a it's just you know just the weather is the best part of it yeah uh i like to travel somewhat uh i haven't traveled a lot in my life but over the past uh year and a half i've done done quite a bit of traveling just seeing different places different people new people new faces new places uh  let's see last well last summer i spent the uh summer in cleveland  doing uh urban farming uh in the city yeah and uh i stayed at a hostel the first hostel in cleveland scrubbed_entry and i was uh doing a program with the uh scrubbed_entry and it was basically we would go to different urban farms throughout the city and volunteer about  twenty twenty five hours a week so yeah really a spur of the moment type of thing um wanted to try something different something i'd never done before and farming is one of those things that you know most people would never try 'cause of a you know 'cause of a certain stigma that comes along with it uh and you know i just thought it would be fun and interesting to do something like that yeah what in the uh uh mm urban farming or in general in urban farming uh i don't know i guess uh i don't know just just the overall experience just going you know eating uh going to the farmers markets and eating all the fresh food and just seeing the difference in you know how fresh natural food taste eh you know as opposed to the food you buy in a grocery store yeah yeah it is really is uh i was i took two semesters of uh college and i was undecided so i was just taking general classes my dream job huh i guess my dream job would to be  anything that involves  uh i don't have like a specific dream job but anything that involves nature just being outside uh i would like to uh i wouldn't mind being like a like a forest ranger or something like that just as long as i you know yeah consider myself more shy uh i don't i don't know why  it's just the way it is uh huh i read um listen to music uh i draw watch movies stuff like that yeah i think i'm pretty good at it i think  yeah  wow uh yeah i can't remember the last time i had an argument with someone i don't know   again i don't know because i don't dwell on things that happened in the past yeah  mm maybe whether or not to come to california i guess that was a hard decision well i don't know i've been thinking about it you know moving to a new place for a long time and  i guess the hardest part of the decision was thinking whether whether or not i would be secure or not you know what i mean um just going to a new place where you don't know anyone uh it's kinda uh you really don't know what's gonna happen so uh there was a lot of uh you know fear in that in that decision of should i go to a place where i don't know anyone i don't i'm not familiar with the area you know only only perception ever had  that i have of this area is you know what i've seen on in media media and t_v so you know eh yeah guess that was hardest hardest decision  decision that i can think of yeah eh guess so uh nothing absolutely nothing yeah uh nothing i don't feel guilty about anything uh relationship with my family uh i'm not really close to my family um i guess the person i'm closest to is my mom but you know i don't you know i don't i never really talk to her much uh i don't really know my dad that well so you know    uh i guess my grandmother yeah she yeah she's uh she's very um xxx how should i say it uh she's very she's a thinker i put it like that like she's very insightful so um yeah i look to her for a lot of advice because she's been through a lot through a lot in her life and i feel like she you know she's been through a lot so she understands a lot so eh you know she's a very positive influence very easy uh maybe unsure i would say because right now i really don't know what direction i wanna go in with my life and there's been a lot of confusion with that um but you know it's not it's not something that overly affects me but you know it's always a thought in the back of my mind it feels  feels like somehow maybe i'm running out of time and i know that's not like that's not xxx that's not a realistic thought because i don't see how you could ever run out of time but yeah i guess yeah just general not knowing what i want but i know like how do i cope with that how do i cope with that i uh i don't know i just do a lot of thinking a lot of soul searching it's not hard i mean i mean i'm it's xxx like i can't say it's hard because it's one of those things that i feel like it's necessary and you know certain things in life you just you're forced to face so it's harder to i think it's harder to avoid those type of things yeah no no no uh xxx today when i talked when i uh talked to my friend earlier yeah how would my best friend describe me uh i guess he would say i'm quiet uh uh guess he would describe as a nice guy uh guess insightful mm uh goofy and yeah oh i don't really think like that no ten or twenty years ago uh guess i would tell myself to stick with what what stick with what i love hmm uh i did uh acting workshop in um scrubbed_entry yeah i don't know it's always  always been an interest of mine and i decided why not you know just try it see how you like it what am i most proud of like an event or a an accomplishment i guess i pride myself on being independent mm yeah bye,0
+468,  yes i'm okay with this i'm pretty good feeling a little tired but uh feeling pretty good for the most part um redondo beach yep i like the beach i like the mountains i love how you could go surfing in the morning go snowboarding in the day um i like to go hiking up in these mountains santa monica mountains to be exact i don't like the traffic i don't like the congestion of people here and i don't like the price of  the cost of living in specific areas uh i've been trying to actually um last year was the summer of really road tripping and getting out there with my girlfriend um we're looking to go to costa rica and hopefully to south america this summer and then maybe even doing a road trip down the south see some of the southern states but uh i've been to canada i've been to mexico and ecuador and been to various states here and there trying to get out there i love meeting new people i love experiencing new things trying different  different foods that are native to that local area and it's just part of the journey i just i love exploring this you know this planet we call earth um just recently we went to seattle and canada with a couple friends and uh it was gorgeous we uh flew into seattle and we saw the city for the first two three days and then rented a car and headed over to vancouver canada and saw british columbia and boy was it gorgeous just very lush beautiful trees the uh the climate was nice the ocean was right there it was people were great it was just a fun trip all around yeah   one of my most memorable  memorable experiences was probably the uh the trip we took to colorado last summer and uh me and my girlfriend flew into denver and we didn't really have a plan we knew we knew of a couple people who were living there and um just the day before we had to uh contacted them and telling 'em we're coming in the area and they were just showed great hospitality they picked us up at the airport let us crash at their place for a couple days we even let us use their car to explore the state and go to wyoming and see the the neighbors to the north it was just a great trip great people and it was just everything worked out very well just every day was there was something new and fun to do yeah i uh i studied business management and uh economics right now um i've always wanted to own my own business and i figured management be a a good uh foundation to build on and uh learn more about so i decided to go into management just to see the various aspects of what it takes to really manage your own business and um and then economics is just to just for long term investments i really wanted to start earning some stocks and e_t_fs and mutual funds and start buidling my portfolio up so i figured economics would be a great way for a long term investment financially so that's why i did my economics yeah i'm really stoked it was one of the best decisions probably of my my life yeah i consider myself more outgoing i'm i'm pretty friendly i don't mind to open up to people and stuff  i like to be outside like to go hiking i like to go um working out at the gym but i mostly like to be outdoors i i love nature and just to be outside just just puts me at ease from pretty good for the most part i'm pretty mellow chill guy and when i do get angry here and there i uh it just lasts for like a couple minutes and before i know it i just it just blows over i don't tend to hold on to things or stay angry and hold grudges just 'cause there's no need to life's too short for all that um see i can't even remember the last time i argued with anybody i have no idea probably when my uh my brother and my girlfriend got in a little little argument uh like two birthdays ago and it's been awkward kinda ever since um i wish i would've just handled it right then and there rather than it letting it just stretch out as long as it has been it's just awkward for both parties i wish i just would've communicated with both of them and told 'em to you know set their differences aside and let's just communicate and try to see we come up with a solution but now it's just awkward yeah it does the hardest decision i've ever had to make man that's a toughy i don't think i've had too many tough decisions to really say the hardest decision i've ever had to make um maybe not moving to colorado for my undergrad two three years ago was a little tough just 'cause i kinda think what if but other than that nothing has really been too tough in my life that was really that hard of a decision i don't really feel guilty about anything pretty good person i think and for the most part i couldn't think of anything something i could wish i could erase from my memory um nothing really to be honest i i love all my memories they're usually positive for the most part i know that's kinda weird for somebody to say but i've lived a pretty good life and i'm happy yeah uh it's cool um i'm pretty independent for the most part so when i do see 'em here and there it's it we go through long periods of times with no contact maybe a couple weeks sometimes even a month but uh when i see 'em it's it's good you know i like to say hi and show 'em i love 'em still and it's not that i don't mean to like not contact 'em they could always contact me but uh it's good for the most part i guess as a young adult mm my girlfriend's family uh they've been very positive in my life uh if it wasn't for them i think i'd be in a different direction just 'cause in high school i didn't really care about higher education i didn't care about really thinking long term and uh just seeing them  them and what their family does and how they think differently like with your higher education and how to get somewhere in life and the if you do these things this is what it could lead to and they've been very successful they own their own uh accounting practice and seeing that influenced me to achieve higher in life yeah it's pretty easy for the most part i just close my eyes and wake up in the morning i'm tired sometimes i'm could sense that i'm a little drained and uh maybe get a little groggy here and there and that's it feeling pretty good for the most part a little stressed out just 'cause finals are uh next week and uh i really really wanna do well and just you know close out this last semester and i graduate in two weeks and um for the most part that's that's the only thing i'm really nervous about but for the most part i'm really excited i'm looking forward to going to maui for a week after graduation i'm fired up i'm fired up to see what the future holds where we gonna live  me and my girlfriend gonna live and what other trips are planned for the summer i'm just i'm excited to be done with school for a little while yeah i have never been diagnosed with p_t_s_d i've never been diagnosed with depression  the last time i felt really happy was probably seeing my girlfriend graduate a couple days ago she had uh just graduated from nursing school on monday and uh to see her walk across stage and stuff just 'cause we've been together for six years and seeing her go through the nursing program for five and it's just seeing all the ups and downs it's really good to see somebody just strive through and achieve what they want to achieve and just made me really proud of her yeah probably outgoing friendly positive vibes all around adventurous loves sports team player knows how to be a leader here and there and uh gets a little outspoken sometimes no not really for the most part no not really just be a little more motivated i used to be so motivated and right now i'm just maybe 'cause i'm just done with school and i'm over it that i just don't feel as motivated but i just i wanna be more motivated and determined right now and that's not i'm not going that way right now so mhm no biggie  oh man i couldn't can't really think of a time i went caving two weeks ago that was a lot of fun uh we went up to sequoia national park and uh i went caving with a for an r_t_m class it's like this uh recreational tourism management class and caving was an elective and our professor was like a world renowned cave specialist and he took us to these various caves in uh sequoia and just me and these strangers or my classmates and becoming really good friends at the end was a lot of fun and rappelling down into caves climbing back up going through different rooms and chutes it was a lot of fun that was yeah ten or twenty years ago i'd probably say just stay more focused on school a little less on the social aspects and uh kinda stick with one sport just to see how far that could get ya um  sometimes not playing hockey through uh through middle school and hockey sometimes  i mean through middle school and high school sometimes and um and that's pretty much it now i'm proud  that uh i'm really proud that i'm graduating getting my bachelor's and i'm looking to get a full time job i work at a law firm now so i have something going for me  um i'm really proud to be a motivated and determined person long term wise  long term thinking wise i'm a well-rounded person and i really wanna explore the world so i'm kinda proud that i opened my eyes to that and now i have different perspectives and really have a open mind to people and rather than judging 'em you know it's liberty why not let 'em do what they want and uh i'm really proud to just be finally getting my bachelor's and hopefully going for my m_b_a in a couple years for sure bye,0
+469,  yes i'm okay l_a mm uh there's a lot of variety um there's a lot of health-oriented stuff um there's all kinds of food to eat you can go to the desert you can go to the you can go anywhere i mean there's a lot and the weather's great the traffic um lately the change in weather it's kind of a little too unpredictable but it mainly the traffic and sometimes some rudeness of people uh i wouldn't say a lot just um occasionally uh it's nice to get a change of scenery and different things to do that maybe i wouldn't normally do different people um learning about different people different customs um depends i mean if it's a water real pretty water and xxx you know being in beautiful water um relaxing adventure i love adventure uh  uh some time ago i went to cayman islands and um went on i get seasick but my sister gave me some medication and i went on a boat and we snorkeled and there were two boats and i accidentally got back on the wrong boat um yeah and um they're really crazy they made me jump back into the water and swim to the right boat  and i thought i was gonna drown 'cause the water was kinda rough i was really shocked they they wanted me to do that yeah but i survived  yeah pretty good uh business management but also also hypnotherapy i didn't hear that other question um well i came from a serious kinda family so that just seems something that would be universal that would cover a lot of different subjects yes yeah but um yes and no i mean now i kinda wish it was something different um i like communication i love speaking and interviewing strangers um i'm very outgoing um and funny so probably would've been something more like either liberal arts communication that type of thing uh dream job would just be out there you know like some of these people maybe on t_v exploring different places and getting paid for it and eh always like a fun adventure uh interacting with people um doing things i haven't done before and um helping people you know on some way with what i do xxx that they can see you know that i'm uncoordinated and in some ways and you know they could be uncoordinated and have some fun too  uh i watch t_v i go work out um i go walking i recently got like a a bike that i kinda sort of fixed up um go do something new go to a festival go grocery shopping interact with friends call them see them that type of thing talk to strangers um depends on the situation there's a bunch of times i'm good at it um if it has to do with like traffic and cars it's a little more intense for me it's a little tougher or people who are like really rude you know with the way they cut you off almost  um luckily not you know i'm very assertive and maybe too much sometimes where if somebody does something really rude to me in a parking lot i'll i'll confront them on that sometimes um might've been with my sister um it had to do with um i'm not sure of the topic but um whatever she was saying wasn't right and we got in an argument it it sounds childish about who was right you know 'cause she thinks she's always the smarter one 'cause she's older uh sometimes it's frustrating 'cause it's like it's a no win situation she just wants to hammer on somebody 'til you know they acknowledge that she's right um other times i just let it go and let her rattle on 'cause it's it's kinda nonproductive uh i'm real close to i see my parents almost every weekend um more close to my mother um i have a twin sister i stay in touch with her even though she's out of town she lives out of town and i've got two other sisters so i stay in touch with all of 'em you know it's a mixed bag you know um we kinda have assertive aggressiveness in us a little bit  but also um well me  um and um ever i mean strangers sometimes my family you know they've done nice things for me um strangers have been very um sometimes unexpectedly very nice uh i could be shopping and um you know i'm maybe i can't reach something and some guy'll pop up behind me and you know without me saying anything just help me out um uh that type of thing or um if somebody's like kind of mean to me somebody'll like commiserate  you know and um xxx um i had a situation years ago with a neighbor where he was really nasty to me um 'cause he thought i didn't like his dog it was you know i'm not crazy about dogs but um he kinda flipped out for a year and a half and um just said very nasty things to me when other people weren't around um i wish i'd confronted that back then because i you know but it created a lot of anxiety for me 'cause i feel like i could've nipped it in the bud and to instead of having to deal with the um major stress from it now he and i don't talk at all i just feel it's best he's kind of odd hmm god there's been a lot um sometimes breaking up with somebody or um  yeah it's usually or getting rid of a friend that type of thing um sometimes i feel guilty about some of my past behavior with people um where maybe i wasn't as understanding um eh  when i was younger i stole things you know that's not the best behavior and um and it's stuff like that oh god there's a lot of 'em um i wish i could erase you know how um tough my dad was on us as children and um erase a lot of memories of men i dated that just didn't work out well at all and um yeah i can drop off like right away yeah cranky  irritated um snarky  um a bit out of sorts um i've had some anxiety uh with money um and relationships 'cause i haven't been in one for so long male  um just a lot of anxiety um mm yeah  take a deep breath um try and do positive things you know sometimes um eat healthier work out more um talk to my friend about it that type of thing try and look for interesting activities to do to distract me  well not officially but i know  you know from mm things i've experienced that i've had  i've you know i get very anxious in certain situations um yeah uh it's usually triggered by um sometimes if somebody gets really angry and crazy it triggers a lot of anxiety in me um if they're aggressive whether it be physically or verbally uh or sometimes if they're too much in my space  my uh space you know where i am it bothers me um yeah a long time ago it was ages ago maybe over ten years ago fifteen years ago um i was depressed  i mean i  know that's nothing to laugh about but i mean it's kinda in a circle um just to um wanted to be more positive and enjoy life more um feeling stuck in certain thoughts um having a lot of negative thoughts um feeling of hopelessness helplessness that type of thing xxx um i go occasionally it's a different type um i'll go see a hypnotherapist um sometimes to release  release  release anxiety that's in me yes i do very useful um a lot more awareness of myself and other people um learning more control more confidence um better self-esteem um willing to try even more things you know whether i know the outcome or not you know of the unknown i'll experiment a lot more scrubbed_entry um helping like at the twenty fifth mile handing out water and there were some people there who were doing that for the first time also some event at my sister's where there were just a couple of us and um i was cracking a lot of jokes sometimes i'm like really funny you know and i can't even believe myself you know i just go on and on you know and everyone starts laughing i'm not even trying to and i'm just saying like regular stories and people look at me funny and laugh  yeah that um as a really decent loyal uh empathetic um deserving um supportive i'm hoping  um outgoing quirky type of person um well it'd be great to uh look even younger uh or be younger if that was humanly possible  um be even more patient with people i think um you know not get frustrated like if i think somebody's not very smart uh sometimes it's real frustrating for me to be around some types of people whoa um  uh  wow make a lot of money and plan for your future um and try and be as kind and patient with people as possible and have a lot of fun try new things i think of my mind and my perseverance that um i've changed a lot of things within my personality um uh i feel proud of volunteer work i xxx helped  feel proud i've helped bunch of people lose weight declutter their homes um i've helped create a lot of positive change in people mhm oh okay yeah it was nice talking to you bye,0
+470,  yes i'm doing okay i'm from los angeles california the food the weather and the people mm um i don't know it's not too many things i really don't like about l_a maybe some of the bad people or some of the bad environments in l_a  um no not too much um i only been like to texas las vegas and that's pretty much it mhm um catching a airplane to houston texas like back and forth to visit my dad and going to las vegas a lot that's oh yeah um well when i was younger i used to go visit my dad and 'cause he used to live in houston texas and i used to catch the airplane a lot and that was a lot of fun i wasn't scared that was a lot of fun and i enjoyed that  um when i went to school i studied child development and nursing um i know i wanted to be somebody and when i went to school i wasn't sure what i wanted to be so i kinda took um nursing the l_v_n program first and then i didn't wanna be a nurse so i changed my major to child development and i graduated from that no i'm actually looking for work i'm unemployed right now my dream job would be probably doing something working with the kids opening up a nursery or something my own business in my mind it's simple but like in reality it seem like it's kinda difficult  sometimes i'm shy but i'm really an outgoing person and a people person hmm  um to relax i listen to some slow music i kinda like um have a quiet environment and maybe lay down watch a little t_v or something i'm very good at controlling my temper i don't like to get really angry or upset or get to where i'm fitting to hurt somebody  um when i really have arguments they're like because people don't agree to disagree and then it's over  like really petty it's like we might say oh it's just like my opinion and they don't agree with my opinion so we argue about that but it's like nothing really big or anything like that it's just stupid i don't even remember  um probably not working right now i need a job  yes um maybe  i don't really remember a situation i try to really think before i really handle a situation and i try to handle it in a my best positive way before i really do something i regret um being with somebody like a guy you know if i wanna continue a relationship with them or just be single mm um my relationship with my family i don't have i just really stay with my dad and i have a daughter and we just stay close all my family they're either in um houston texas or they're around but i don't really socialize with a lot of my family my dad because um i live with him right now i've been staying with him maybe about five  five to six years and he's just the only one i really look up to i don't really have nobody else around me to really look up to and that's it  scrubbed_entry she's in the fifth grade she's graduating she's going to the sixth grade and i'm kinda excited for that sometimes it's easy but uh sometimes it gets a little overwhelming um the hardest thing about being a parent is being a single parent it's just you always have somebody to bring you joy i enjoy always doing things with my daughter um it's just about making a lot of sacrifices and just always it's brings me so much joy being a parent well um my parents when i was younger they lived apart so my mom i don't know i'm i'm a much better parent 'cause i'm more interested about what my child wants to do i'm involved in her life her every step just i'm really fully involved my parents wasn't really that involved you know they had a drug problem so it just i had to mature a lot faster than a lot of other kids so it was um just my parents and um their drug addiction i wish i could erase that from my memory um now i cope with them well but um when i was growing up it just was rough it was very rough had to do a lot of things on my own um they wasn't involved in my decisions in life you know i just i didn't know how to really grow up and be a kid and which way to go or anything it just was like i was in a world by myself yeah oh it's very easy i sleep well every night i can sleep any time i sleep very well um a little sad but most of the time i'm very happy i'm just not happy with where i am in my life right now um not really i really i try to think very positive and try to do whatever i can every day to look for work and just stay positive and focused no i haven't no i haven't um the last time i felt very happy was when i graduated from um college i felt very happy that was one of the best things that happened in my life and that was the last time i was really really very happy like that i felt like i was on top of the world i felt like just overwhelmed with joy just everything was just so exciting for me that day i was just very very happy nothing could make me upset that day i was very happy and when i think about that day it just it's a very happy experience for me um right now i don't have  really have a best friend i really try to i'm i tried to eliminate a lot of my friends because they wasn't really making a lot of positive choices so right now i'm just like um i really don't have any friends right now um my personality um i'm a happy person i'm a outgoing person and a positive person and a good mother um insecurities like um sometimes i feel like um i have a lot of weight on my shoulders or something i feel like i can't get through something i can't get to the next step sometimes or just feeling down sometimes well i did have a friend and she was like bipolar and i tried to really be her friend no matter um the disease she had but she wasn't a really good friend because she one day she start just um being very negative and just talking about me like we were enemies and everything and it didn't really make me feel too bad about myself but it just made me pick my friends very wisely yeah just being friends with certain people that don't have positive things going on with themselves or just don't it just when i notice things about people that should determine whether i wanna be their friend or not you know they might have bad qualities or just some bad habits they might smoke cigarettes or drink and i should notice that that's a red flag and i shouldn't be these people friends  yeah um to stay in school stay positive stay focused and surround myself with good positive people and just stay on the right track well i went um to a friend's house that i haven't seen since childhood and they it was just a lot of people over there and they had a barbecue and everything and i really enjoyed seeing my old friends that i didn't see in a long time and just being with my family and certain friends i really enjoyed because i'm really always in the house i really don't go out that often so just i enjoyed being with a group of friends and family and having a good time yeah um i'm proud that i did get my g_e_d i did graduate and i do wanna be somebody and i'm very proud that i wanna be a better parent than my parents thank you  goodbye,0
+471,  yes i'm doing well thank you from los  los angeles mm sports outdoor sports mainly surfing uh snowboarding mountain biking rock climbing traffic yes experiencing different cultures uh well uh i love going to mexico and uh eh it's so much diffferent from california and western culture so to speak i know mexico is a western civilization but uh the uh the level of of entertainment and the level of education is so much different that uh eh they're like two different worlds traveling you mean uh i would have to say going to an island off the coast of figi the name is tavarua and it's a very small island you can walk around it in thirty minutes thirty or forty minutes and uh it's a place where you go to go surfing and it it is an incredible uh visually incredible and uh experientially incredible place i studied biology uh i was pushed from behind by my father who was a medical doctor and uh he wanted me to become a medical doctor also not at all i'm working in areas of business now yes i am my dream job would be to be a missionary yes my father's initial objective when he became an m_d was to become a missionary and uh he's a very generous person and i think i am too i i i got that from him uh hereditarily but uh i would like to help people eh and i don't think being a doctor is helping people i really don't i think it's uh disingenuous to say you're helping people while you're stuffing wads of cash into your pocket i would like to be uh building people homes and uh helping them find fresh water sources things like that if i could afford to travel to remote places like that i exercise i think i'm pretty good at it uh uh i think i'm pretty effective at it it was probably two days ago it was my girlfriend and it was about her uh lack of consideration um i felt frustrated hmm a situation which i wished i could handle differently um i eh in my later years i would say eh i don't have many regrets in my younger years i used to uh be snubbed by people and i would keep my mouth shut and i wouldn't say anything i would not express my displeasure of their actions or their behavior i would just keep my mouth closed and internalize my feelings i've learned that that is so wrong and so in the probably the last fifteen to twenty years i have made it a point to vocalize my displeasure with someone's actions right away and that uh takes care of the anger immediately yes it  it depends what you mean by trouble uh i think eh all the way around once you take the beginning  the beginning to the end uh it diffuses trouble rather than prolongs or protracts the trouble uh going back it would be to not to pursue uh medicine like my father wanted we argued uh at length for many months and years about this and uh finally i prevailed and uh i didn't go to i didn't go that route uh but that was probably the most uh uh difficult period in my life mm there was a time when i wished i could erase a female interactions uh girlfriends and and their uh betrayals uh but now i realize that keeping those memories make me who i am today and and dealing with them defines who i am today uh my parents are deceased i had very good relationships with my parents uh i'm very thankful for that um even though my father was somewhat of a uh hard-handed uh and draconian  person uh we came to an understanding well before he died and uh my brothers i get along great with my younger brother but my older brother has issues he has uh psychological issues and they  they continue to plague him and to affect me also just just knowing that he's going through uh turmoil uh well i guess i really don't cope with it because um he's clinically depressed and he has suicidal tendencies and uh he's not working he's very highly educated and he uh well he doesn't talk to me and uh his family is very abusive towards him it's an not a happy relationship for his family yes you know i would have to say my father my father is my hero he's my uh model he's my uh archetype for what a man should be uh he's he was unimpeachably honest and kind uh yet on the other hand he was uh he had high expectations of me and my two brothers eh usually once my head hits the pillow i am dead asleep like a log but lately i've been having uh just last night i couldn't sleep i woke up at two and i have a feeling it's because of a diagnosis of cancer that i received one month ago um xxx i with my own personal uh methods of handling stress i i'm okay i'm probably ninety percent okay that ten percent comes from uh eh an unsuredness about the future about whether i will survive this or not not really no never never oh i was either surfing or snowboarding or rock climbing or mountain biking uh i always experience joy when i'm exercising at a very high level of exertion funny jovial uh uh intelligent a perfectionist hmm eh that's no one's asked me much about that um maybe uh is to submerge my uh hedonistic self i look at once again my father fills my consciousness he was the ultimate um uh deferrer of gratification he put now behind him and he put what will be in the future in his sights and he never let go of that and that's what made him the uh self-made man that he was whereas i am looking always for the present um how i feel now and it's difficult for me to uh slog through a a mile full of uh crap in order to get to a prize that is so far away  it would be my ex-boss and he started using at my last day of work when he fired me he started using uh a lot of profanity toward me and eh i turned to him and i said you cannot talk to me that way and he continued to use more profanity until uh i objected to it again and that's when he fired me and uh that that's still in my mind and that occurred a year and a half ago mhm anything i regret uh yeah i regret not getting married and having kids sure i suppose i could uh eh but i think that that would've robbed me of the many opportunities i had and i took to travel around the world and experience different cultures because that's what i enjoy the most about life is exploring and seeing different things and talking to different people and expanding my awareness because the united states is not the end of the world it is  eh once you get to travel you find out that we are not we do not have the highest uh level of uh of living in the whole world other people think that we're the only ones that think that and i disagree mm that's a good one i would say  i would say to just enjoy life because you never know when it's going to end and i think i've done that and uh i may be coming to an end soon uh with this diagnosis of cancer so i think i've done i'm i'm happy with my life thus far i was giving a rock climbing lesson i have a uh part time job of instructing rock climbing and many of these people have never done it before and uh they thanked me and they told me what a great time they had and how this may have changed their lives so that was very gratifying to me  i would say  my devotion to the environment uh i wasn't always an environmentalist but uh i have been uh vocal in the cause of uh uh being a um uh a steward of the environment because today they're a lot of peoples people that are polluting the environment with a lot of chemicals and pollutants and septic uh things like that and i stand up and i uh have been on t_v and on uh youtube speaking up against these people that pollute the environment you're welcome goodbye,0
+472,  sure i'm well thank you southern california the weather  the uh mountains the ocean mm traffic air quality no not a lot mm time money i studied art  studio art it was just always a a talent and a desire i had from childhood i am mm making a good living through my art it's challenging well i need  it's about having the time and finding a niche that appeals to others while being able to do work that stays true to my own vision somewhere in between i read i walk dogs i spend time with my family oh it's very good i i love my family very much and they love me very much we're very supportive of each other i'm pretty good most of the time i'm not so great when i'm dealing with a lot of rush hour traffic but it's not out of control  hmm i don't really remember i wanna say it was probably my daughter and it was probably about something stupid  some little stupid thing um my daughter is um thirty nine beautiful brilliant um very talented very uh uh goal driven my son is twenty seven he is more laid back sweet  very sweet um and he's starting to be a little more goal driven um a little less satisfied with just uh the daily grind being a parent is um very challenging in a wonderful way um i think the hardest thing is is eh fear and worry for your children um today's world can be very um violent and scary and you fear for your children's safety and well-being i'm sorry oh gosh um mm friendship  eh the close friendship you have with your children the the uh uh love the support the joy of just everyday little things that you share oh  well i'm i i talk to my children about anything and everything um we're very  have a very open communication which in my parents' generation i think children were more seen and not heard  hmm  well with my daughter my first child i was young and inexperienced not only in being a mother but and naive in a lot of ways regarding life in general and i think probably eh most parents mm have regrets uh of uh situations they may have had their children in when they were when they were young that weren't the best   sometimes i feel that i should've been more aware at a younger age mm just xxx just mm decisions and situations that uh decisions you make situations you find yourself in when you're younger out of being naive and and um even though logically i know that it's something that couldn't be avoided at the time you know as you get older you eh hindsight is twenty twenty as you get older you you look back and wish that you had've been more on top of your your uh your life when you were younger oh gosh i honestly can't think of anything hmm um i don't know that i would want i i can think of an event i don't know that i would wanna erase it from my memory because eh i feel that we learn from everything and there  there's i i don't wanna lose the lesson that i'm to learn from that experience positive influence in my life uh my daughter my son my granddaughter um there's a a a oddly enough an author uh carlos castaneda um just a a a positive  my my family's been a positive influence because of their love and support and uh in reading carlos castaneda's works i find that he has a brilliant mind and because i've practiced some of what he talks about in his books and experience them as being authentic um uh whereas some people you know question his validity i i found that he has something very extraordinary to offer mankind pretty easy  i fall asleep pretty quick good  mm no not really just always looking for the next uh um project to to uh get started on no no yesterday  yesterday was mother's day and uh my children gave me flowers and beautiful gifts and made me a wonderful brunch and we spent the day together and it was very very nice oh um easygoing um easy to be around um friendly happy  hmm i would like to work on being um more focused on on uh projects oh gosh probably when i was a kid you know kids can be uh kids can be cruel to each other uh so nothing that um i still at this age take personally or or you know hold a grudge for um sure everybody has regrets but you do the best you can do at the time and you learn and you move on mm i don't  i don't know i i can't answer that one oh gosh um i read a great book um the last couple days and i've been working on a new painting that uh i'm really pleased with i like the way it's going um my kids my the fact that my kids are are uh wonderful human beings i feel very blessed goodbye ,0
+473,  yes good new jersey five years ago about  once a year um there's more to do out here the weather is nice didn't take very long and the art scene the music scene there's always something to do out here some of the people  um some of the people are just kinda superficial no i like it out here art um i took a lot of art courses throughout high school um a little um i'd like to create not very hard outgoing because all of my friends tell me i'm outgoing listen to music or read pretty good i don't even remember the last time i argued with someone mm i don't feel guilty about anything mm i can't think of a situation i wish i handled differently probably moving to l_a eh just deciding to go away from my family and come out here was kind of a difficult decision yes it's very good i still talk to them um like almost every day and i see them sometimes so it works out my mom um just kinda taught me to be the person i am today hmm i can't think of an event i wish i could erase from my memory i like it no it's very easy mm i yawn a lot good no no no um whenever i go to the gym i get happy yesterday crazy because i am crazy  i like myself the way i am i can't think of a time someone made me feel bad about myself no i'd just tell myself that everything's gonna be okay um probably family visits every time i go back it's really nice to see all my family and see what they're up to now um i really enjoy karaoke and i did that recently mm when people put down other people music um art exhibits uh working out my friendships um i'm a good listener and really good at giving my opinion on how to help others,0
+474,  yes i'm good how are you uh i was born in hawaii but i grew up in colorado yeah yeah about seven  uh seven to eight years ago um i try to go back once a year  once or twice a year yeah um it's how does it compare to l_a um it's it's different it's not as busy there's more uh things to do out outdoors in the mountains uh my family  for work yeah i am i love it here um it took about a year before i really felt comfortable but um once that got through that kinda hard year it was pretty good out here i've had a good time um i love that i can go to the beach uh i love that it's warm most of the time uh i love that i've met a lot of people that love the arts as much as i do the traffic just like everyone else um yeah yeah the traffic and it's pretty much just traffic earthquakes not as much as i'd like um it's just nice to go some place new experience something different um xxx i went to alaska a couple years ago and that was really awesome i got to go fishing in the ocean and i got seasick that wasn't awesome but uh it was cool i saw a bear in real life a bear walked through a yard um it was really different than l_a it was really cool  english creative writing well i always wanted to tell stories so it just made sense to work on writing in somehow some aspect yeah i am to have my own t_v show where i write it and everyone watches it every week and it's awesome really hard 'cause there's a lot of people that have the same dream so yeah more outgoing than shy uh i like talking to people i enjoy other people mm um go to the movies or turn on music dance pretty good um  it was at work couple about a month ago  about a month ago um i got mad at someone because i didn't think they were they were giving me clear instructions and so um when i tried to have a conversation about it they got mad and then i got mad and we got mad um i felt like i wasn't being heard or listened to and i felt like we weren't able to have a real dialogue so um because we couldn't have a dialogue i felt like no one was listening to me totally um  i uh i i um no regrets no  um  i guess hmm i don't know if there is one i mean i'm sure there is but uh one time i was driving behind someone and they well they cut me off and i think it'd just been one of those days this was like a year ago or two years ago um it was just one of those days where i just didn't want or i just it had been a frustrating day and when this person cut me off and i almost got in an accident with them i just followed them to their parking spot and actually i had honked at them and they they flipped me off and so it just really really got under my skin that someone would cut me off and almost cause an accident and then uh and then flip me off so i i followed them to the spot and i asked i said miss why did you flip me off when you cut me off and and she said oh you know i'm i've had a rough day i don't need your attitude and her daughter was with her and i told her well you're not really setting a very good example for your daughter and you know i didn't need to be petty like that but i just i wanted to be i guess ooh  mm look at you going deep  um oh i guess the hardest decision was coming out to my mom uh telling her i was gay i mean it wasn't hard 'cause it was the right one but it was hard to do because my mom was very conservative and she she had trouble accepting it and it it took awhile but once she did you know everything was better and i knew it would be but it was just hard in the moment to you know tell her something she didn't wanna hear okay um when i was a little kid my um my grandfather found our dog run over on the on the road and he uh scrubbed_entry and brought it in and i think i remember as a kid just uh like seeing death like that really just threw me off and uh frightened me and uh it was just one of those moments that i i guess i wish i hadn't been there for because my grandmother was destroyed she was just so sad and uh it was just one of those moments i guess you need as a kid but i didn't really wanna experience like loss like that in your face yeah my relationship with my family is pretty good um we're probably not as close as most but uh we you know we always we don't talk often but we talk with love and we always love each other when we see each other um my grandmother was very positive she was always very encouraging and told me to uh you know pursue my dreams and not to let the little things get me down so i'm glad i had her usually it's easy um sometimes it's not um well i've been between jobs recently i start a new job uh next week but while i've been off uh while i haven't been working um i tend to like my body wants to stay up later and later and later and i'm trying not to like fall into the pattern of going to sleep at like two or three and getting up at like eleven so i keep trying to make myself go to sleep by like midnight or twelve thirty and i just end up laying in bed for like an hour or an hour and a half when i should be i should  i should be able to just go to sleep and get up at like nine but still wanna stay up i guess uh a little scatterbrained like today i'm a little scatterbrained 'cause uh i i tried to go to sleep early again and i ended up tossing and turning and so  scatterbrained  um well since i've had a lot of time on my hands like i don't usually have this much time on my hands so sometimes it can be frustrating because um you don't know what to do with it when you're not working i guess um but yeah i think that answers the question um i just that maybe a little more absent-minded than usual just lately with uh the not working thing no mm mm um a couple days ago when i got my new job  when i got hired um outgoing listening uh attentive um fun loyal i think i hope um i wish that i uh i probably wish that i looked better i wish i had more hair up here mm losing it a little bit uh probably wish i was a little skinnier this this girdle's pretty tight  and um you know sometimes i wish i had more money but nothing too drastic i'm okay yeah oh um mm hmm when i was a little kid i was uh i was the fat  i was the fat kid and um gosh i remember i was like i was going into high school and it was like the second day and i remember this guy came up to me and was um like he was like pretty nice to me i thought and i didn't realize he'd like this is like out of a movie right like he had put bandaids on my back that said like i'm a fat cow and said like uh like yeah like just a bunch of mean stuff and i didn't know and i walked around with it for like half an hour i heard people laughing and i didn't get it and then finally this girl just came up to me and was like hey there's like bandaids on your back that say all these mean things and then she just walked away she didn't like help me take 'em off and i remember like i couldn't get 'em i was trying to find 'em and then um i just remember like putting my head in my locker and like i didn't want anyone to see me cry so i just like put my head in my locker and like pretended like i was looking at stuff in my backpack but really i was you know the crying fat kid who couldn't get the mean stickers off his back mm yeah anything um probably yeah  um you know i would xxx i would try to keep i would try to let myself know to to look at things positively and to not like worry what other people think about you i think i spent too much time as like a adolescent worrying what people thought of me and as i got older i didn't care as much and i started enjoying life a lot more so uh i went to coachella it's a music festival it was three days with all of my friends and my boyfriend and we uh we danced and we went swimming and we barbecued and we laughed and had a great time yeah oh  um i guess my my career humble as it may be uh i really stuck in l_a um a long time when it was uh when like it was hard i stayed  i stuck around i didn't quit so you know i'm proud that i've managed to like follow my dreams and really stay out here and try to make it in hollywood my pleasure bye bye bye,0
+475,  yes good thank you el segundo right down the street the beach the smog i try to when i have time being away from home getting away i recently went to palm springs with my wife and my friends um and it was it was really nice it was a hundred degrees outside and we laid by the pool and barbecued um i'm not sure probably graduating from college maybe uh i was first person in my family to graduate i guess from college so it's kind of a big deal uh advertising communications and public relations well i've in junior college i did um communications um a lot of public speaking classes so i i went on and transferred to a university and um wanted to study the same thing i guess yeah i work in advertising now  dream job um probably to to work for a um a big golf company and do their advertising for them to i'm definitely not shy maybe um seem might seem like it right now just 'cause i'm not this is a different a new setting but usually outgoing   um i run  i like to go to the gym i i think uh i like to run and be outdoors i surf a lot so any time i'm stressed i definitely just try to go to the gym or wake up earlier and surf before work um i don't really have a temper i just i'm pretty mellow haven't really argued with anyone um we have uh disagreements you know with family members or friends but it's usually uh solved right then and there mm i'm not sure maybe not uh providing for my family as much as i'd like to i guess mm i'm not sure off the top of my head it's pretty good we're all pretty close dad mom sisters brothers wife in-laws siblings yeah yeah everyone pets probably my dad he's a he's a hard worker and uh he's kind of trained me to do the same thing be the same way that's one thing i struggle with i definitely get a good night's sleep but it's hard to go to sleep just over the years of um sleep deprived insomnia  a little bit of insomnia i mean it's getting better now that i'm getting older i'm trained trained my body to go to bed around one but when i was younger it was two three four in the morning i feel okay happy mm i mean a little bit right now just because uh my wife  my wife is uh pregnant so i'm slowly  slowly feeling a little bit of the uh the side effects i guess yeah like i mean i feel a little a little down here and there but at the same time i like i said i just go to the gym or go for a longer run you know 'cause she's healthy we're healthy you know everything's good and all that but supposedly uh you get the uh man pregnancy side effects it's our first so i'm unfamiliar with the feelings this morning when i when i woke up no have not  um i got to get together with um a couple of my friends and play a round of golf enjoy the sunshine nice day as outgoing and um hardworking and a family  good family person maybe just to have a little bit more confidence um yeah  i don't recall  not really i try not to have any regrets just move forward from something uh negative i guess uh just try to move on to go to school stay in school um invest invest early start a four o one k early all the xxx all the things you know start a retirement fund all the above just um being raised by a good family and um training myself to be a hard worker and um enough to  hard enough worker to worker to provide for my family and um hopefully be uh successful one day and um c_e_o of my company right now i'm you know at the bottom of my advertising agency but continue uh to work harder and move  move up,1
+476,  uh yeah sure  i'm alright uh i'm in a weird test study right now uh i'm from los angeles mhm  all kinds of different things to do in this city uh well i don't know each each area is a little different and it's hard to get boring around here oh you know the traffic and the smog and all that not as much as i'd like to mm money mainly lack of money i like seeing the world and seeing all the different places went to uh went to russia three years ago yeah i like to go into the churches we did a huge trip of all the churches in the area uh music for the most part uh i been playing music for a long time yeah xxx musician touring performing musician really really really hard  a lot of competition and luck involved i agree little of both i suppose  again probably just i i play a lot of music sit down with a guitar for a little while i would say good i think i'm a calm person i'm having difficulty even remembering  uh nothing big in a long time mm i'm having difficulty thinking of one on the spot right now the hardest decision i've ever had to make  uh i i'm not sure i i can't think of anything guilty um   when i was a boy i stole a little golden bicycle from an old lady i'm not proud of it   um  it's  not ideal i live with my parents i'm twenty three years old and that's becoming more and more awkward i think i don't know i think things are improving i need to move out i need to get my own apartment and uh then we can come back around and be friends i'm sure with my parents just uh there's a lot of positive  influences in my life i've got a good group of friends you know my family i love them nonetheless but easy i would say mhm um just uh not uh not as groggy as some people get i don't know i just in general uh well i'd say things are alright um no nothing huge no mm mm last time i i had a really good band practice last night with all the friends i felt really good about that mhm think generally funny and good to be around uh work ethic i think is a big one sure uh you know i i have a lot of projects i've planned for myself in my life and i have difficulty completing them i like to use space as an excuse that's my go-to one uh i don't have a good studio to record music or um well okay this uh this current band that i'm working with um i was told i'm a part time member in this band and i was told that uh you know i wasn't officially in the core group and stuff i felt pretty bad about that for a few days it's alright  uh in life maybe going maybe finishing college that might be something not um i don't know i just never i i never came to pass that i would transfer to a four year university and get a bachelor's degree best qualities i think generally that easygoingness and good sense of humor i did recently that i really enjoyed last weekend i went camping on a beach with a bunch of friends that was nice yeah most proud of um i guess you know musical accomplishments i've put a lot of work into that and i'm finding success in my way  thank you thank you that was interesting goodbye,0
+477,  yes thanks i'm well thank you how are you i grew up in oklahoma mhm um i moved to l_a about five and a half years ago so i used to be on the west  on the east coast and then i decided i wanted to come out here my hometown not very often um most  most of my family's moved away so i visit them but i don't actually get back to oklahoma much  oklahoma's very different um uh l_a's a lot more exciting there's a lot more um uh to do here and um uh the ocean obviously is very nice so um you know that's a good question i um i wanted to try something new and i've always loved the beach and i thought uh and i also like big cities so i thought l_a might be a good place for me to come very it's probably one of the best uh decisions i ever made  pretty easy i think um eh it seems kind of natural it seemed like a good fit um i just really like it here oh it's great um i have a couple of roommates and we get along really well i live a couple of blocks from the beach um and uh every day i get to walk on the beach or um you know hang out with friends and it's just it's kind of like being on vacation all the time it's really nice mm i studied philosophy and um political theory and government and did a little bit of english literature on the side um it kind of just happened naturally i think uh i went to liberal arts school and got kind of a exposure to a lot of different areas and i just followed what i liked and was interested in and ended up spending a lot of time studying that um not exactly i work for an educational nonprofit so i work with graduate  with graduate students um in the social sciences and humanities um but i don't actually um use my philosophy background very often  um you know i have actually studied to become a success coach um and so i working with students is is kind of a nice aspect of of doing that but i'd really like to work with other  with other people so not just students um but help them to achieve their goals and realize their dreams um i'd say it it it's fairly hard um in the sense that um you know it can be challenging for people to actually be motivated and do all of the work that needs to be um undertaken in order to realize their their dreams but and it it's also a challenge because making a living at it uh requires charging people money  so um finding people who are willing to pay for that can be um difficult too um i'm definitely on the shyer side i'm an introvert so um i'm pretty good in one on one situations with people but when you get me in a group with more than a a couple of people i'm very much an observer so i tend to listen a lot and i'm not as engaged and i think that um is something that goes it is noticed by others and it it maybe is a little bit odd to them especially if they're not introverted um so i i'd say and it's also a challenge for me i tend not to be the person who introduces myself um in a room full of strangers  pretty good i think um but i do have a temper so i can get i can get upset from time to time not really um it can be a challenge when i'm driving  but other than that no hmm hmm i'm not sure it would've probably been a discussion over politics and it probably would've been a friendly argument um probably with one of my liberal friends so but i actually can't remember the specific time   mm i meditate um i do that almost every day um i also walk at the beach i love the ocean and i really like the sounds and just being out there is very peaceful um and i like to read and be alone just with my thoughts so that's nice mm well let me think about that for a minute  hmm  i'm having a hard time coming up with anything i mean i i i'm sure there are plenty of things um just nothing comes to mind um   hmm okay i'm sorry  hmm well this isn't exactly an event it's it's a dream and it's not a particularly um traumatic dream so as far as dreams go but um i do have it sometimes probably more often than i'd like so i wouldn't be upset if it you know if i didn't have it um and it's just a version of a dream that i think a lot of people probably have but um it's usually me in school somewhere at the end of the semester haven't gone to class taking the exams know i'm going to fail and you know really unhappy about it wishing why didn't i study and attend class the way i should have um which actually wasn't really a problem for me in school but now i have this dream sometimes and it's kinda frustrating and i'm not exactly sure why i mean i know why but i don't know what it applies to because it's not like i am worried consciously at least about failing things so no i don't think so um at least not not that i'm aware of  i feel guilty um i have a a brother and a sister-in-law and a nephew and they live on the east coast and i love my nephew he's eight he's adorable and um i when i used to live there when he was younger um spent a lot of time with them and since i've been in california and particularly in the last year i've spent a lot less time visiting them so for example i saw them for a week at christmas and then i went back in  at the beginning of may so it was you know four months between the last  the last time i'd seen them um and that i felt bad about because we really enjoy each other's company and he um you know really likes me to be there but then he gets upset when i leave and he asks when am i coming back so that's um that makes me feel bad sometimes mm um well i have a brother i'm very close to him he's younger and um he's like four four and a half years younger he's married um i have a nephew um my both of my parents have passed away so it's just the two of us and we have a large extended family but we're not that close with them um with most of them um on my father's side there's one brother um and he's married and has a few kids so i have a few cousins on that side but then on my mother's side there are  five  four or five other kids um most of them with several children of their own so i have a lot of cousins on that side but they live all over the country and um so we stay in touch a little bit through facebook um and there a couple that i talk to on the phone and visit every now and then but you know we're not that close with our extended family so um i'd say well um i i mean i have a lot of friends i think that have been positive influences scrubbed_entry when i came out to california um i started working at a nonprofit and it was kind of a strange place it was very different from what i was used to um it was a little bit challenging and she also worked there so um we worked on a program together over the summer and got to know one another and um we just established this really strong friendship and she's kind of i would say my best friend probably here and probably just in general um and now she's moved to vegas um which is a little bit tough for me um but uh we're going to napa this weekend so that should be good um but she's been a very she was a very positive influence because when i came out here and didn't really know anybody um and it you know since i'm an introvert it's not that easy for me to make friends it was really nice because we share a lot of the same values and we have a lot of fun together and you know i think she kinda gets me so it's a lot of fun to hang out with her and and that's been nice i'm a sleeper  so it's pretty easy um sometimes my you know depending on how long i've been awake  i can be wound  a little wound up and so sometimes i have to take a little while to decompress but um i usually meditate right before i go to bed um and that's very helpful um and i can sleep uh you know i i i generally sleep in ninety minute cycles so um you know usually six or seven and a half hours but i can easily sleep nine hours if i have the time and inclination um i usually don't wake up in the middle of the night or at least if i do i don't remember it so um well i don't  actually don't sleep very well when i travel  one of the things i do for work is i travel uh quite a bit because i work for a company that's back east so i work from home most of the time but then i travel like one week a month and when i travel i'll take the red-eye um and then i'll visit with a lot of friends in the evening so i don't sleep that much it's not that i um sleep poorly or badly it's just that i um don't have that much time to sleep and the first day after not sleeping or not sleeping much is okay but usually the second day is not very good um so i get a lot more tired uh and it's harder to concentrate and um i don't know it just feels like more of a struggle i would say good um summer is a little  is an is a busy time for the organization that i work for so i'm a little um i i don't know  know if stressed is the right word but i'm you know a little anxious about um everything going well this summer but um in general i'm feeling pretty good not really i can't i can't think of anything um there  there is one thing i um i do struggle with exercise like i like to walk a lot um and i hike with friends and um i had been really motivated about it um for a couple of months but then i went away um to the east coast and when i came back i was a lot less motivated um because i didn't really exercise when i was there and i'd gotten out of the habit even though it had only been about ten days and so now i'm struggling to try and get back in the routine and it's not going as well as i would like it's okay thank you no no hmm well scrubbed_entry he's a lot of fun and um he really likes me and i really like him and we play a lot of games and talk a lot and we're actually doing a book club now so we're gonna skype and um maybe i'll get some more time with him that way but uh just being around him is fun hmm  well she'd probably say that i know how to have fun but that i can be serious and um that i you know care about others uh and that i'm loyal and i'm not sure what else um i think those those are probably the main things  um i wish i had more self-discipline  so um i wish that you know i could diet um or eat healthier foods and not have a problem uh with sugar because i love to eat sugar i wish that i would not procrastinate because i've gotten a lot better about that but i still do and that can be challenging um and i wish that i um xxx i don't know uh i think i wish that i was in a relationship so probably those things mm hmm so at the last organization i used to work at i had a boss and she was i don't feel like she was um i don't think we were very compatible um and she uh used to push my buttons or so i thought and so um one day she was really upset about something um because a board member had called her up and asked her a question and she didn't have the answer um and he was upset about something and it was something to do with my department so she called me into her office and let me know how unhappy she was um but it wasn't i i've been a manager for many years um and i have very strong opinions about how you handle challenges with people  with staff members and the way that she handled the situation with me was really inappropriate i thought um and she clearly was trying to frighten me and make me feel um you know incompetent or at least that's the the way that i felt about it and um i did you know i tried to be very calm and said that i would take care of it and i did take care of it um but uh after that our relationship wasn't really the same and i ended up staying  uh leaving there to go back to the old organization that i'd worked for not that long afterwards because i just didn't really have a lot of respect for her after she did that to me or after we had that interaction so  so i heard this piece of advice the other day and or uh or this thing and that i thought was really profound and i wish that i had read it back then which is um when you think about buying something instead of thinking uh oh here's this beautiful coat it's a hundred dollars i want it i'm gonna buy it it uh don't think of it as costing a hundred dollars think of it as costing ten times that because that's effectively what your money could do if you didn't spend it on that coat but instead invested it you know intelligently um you would have ten times that much money eventually so you should really think about it in those terms and um i think i've been much more a consumer than a saver and so i wish that i had uh been more aware of that ten or twenty years ago  probably scrubbed_entry um they asked me to be his um godparent and his guardian if anything should happen to them and that meant a lot to me because it it made me feel like they trusted me and thought that i was a good person the kinda person that could take care of their child should something happen to them so  let's see well uh in  it wasn't really recently but in february i went i like to travel and a friend uh and i went to singapore uh and i got to fly first class um we used miles uh frequent flyer miles to get the um tickets and so uh that was really enjoyable because um the seats pull down you get to sleep the food is delicious you get special attention and um i also hadn't been to singapore before so that was kind of cool too sure thank you bye,0
+478,  yes uh good thanks the east coast for work uh rarely i prefer it out here uh i it's um not as nice as the lifestyle out here i like the weather better and uh just a lot of things about living here it's my favorite city so uh somewhat um but i mostly what's that um just um i like to go to france a lot i like the food there and um just the uh lifestyle the shopping that sort of thing uh art history and marketing uh well um i became interested in high school and i thought it was a good um classical education uh and um i interned at andy warhol's magazine when i was in high school and so that scrubbed_entry hmm yes yes uh eh i'm pretty happy with what i'm i'm doing i do um consulting so i write marketing plans that sort of thing um it's can be fairly hard about writing a marketing plan um uh i don't know it's hard it's hard to um  to talk to someone who's about it who's not in marketing it it requires just um a knowledge of uh you know how it's how it how it's done and it it takes uh several months to to do one so um well i guess i'm i originally kind of shy but um i i become more outgoing just 'cause of work and stuff um i like to exercise uh i i do um hiking with my dogs we walk up up and down a hill a couple times is it good uh i don't remember um i don't know nothing comes to mind mm um sometimes i don't i don't clean my car it might get lots of dog hair in it and i feel bad when i i should always stay on top of that just getting to the car wash and stuff uh well i had a conflict with my brother and so um i had to decide to have an estrangement from him and that makes the most sense and that was a a somewhat difficult decision but just because of his angry behavior it wasn't it wasn't that difficult but um you know it was  it was somewhat difficult because i i loved him very much so um i'm not close to my family so um but i don't really have one um i have a a japanese friend uh oh i think the sensor came off i have a a japanese friend i'm i'm uh very close with she's like my kind of a my  my mother and um scrubbed_entry uh i just met them socially um scrubbed_entry uh i don't know nothing comes to mind       um pretty easy 'cause i keep a regular schedule um just  just kind of tired maybe a little bit irritable uh good um well i'm recovering from p_t_s_d so um i sometimes feel the the p_t_s_d and then i'll i'll take a medication for that no it's just uh it's just left over of the i'm still  i still have the stress from it i'm still being treated for it it i don't really have any um i prefer not to talk about it um in the past but it's treated um five years ago uh i was i was just um very sad very depressed and so um i also had anxiety so i i went to to doctor and um they helped me and i did uh psychotherapy yeah for the p_t_s_d though um i don't know i guess uh it's just um just kind of supportive because  because of the issues i have with my family it's it's supportive to have a doctor who is supportive and um you know it just uh gives me good feedback and helps me to make good decisions that sort of thing i yeah i have nightmares about my family sometimes yeah thanks oh uh i i just try to uh sleep better i xxx i xxx i xxx before i go to sleep i sort of like um meditate a little bit to get to be calm and then hope that that will help i feel happy all the time pretty much like i my dogs make me happy and you know my life is really happy so mhm uh i guess you know as a a nice person i'm thoughtful um a good friend um  and happy fun person um i don't know i mean i'm in my forties now so i'm pretty happy with with myself my  you know my um you know uh i've i've done a lot of a lot of work on myself in in therapy and stuff so i'm pretty i wouldn't really change a lot i'm pretty happy with myself i mean not to sound conceited but i'm i'm pretty um happy with myself now uh well  that would that would be um my parents they're very abusive so i don't  i  i don't talk to them anymore so  um any you know any times with them you know they they uh you know said  did terrible things to me so i prefer not to talk about it uh let's see um well i just started reading a book i i like to read um cookbooks and i was just reading a book called um when french women cook and it's about uh a woman's relationship with different women and friends in different parts of france and the and the cooking and so i'm really enjoying that book mhm um i usually you know um get the grocery shopping done which i enjoy i really i really like doing the grocery shopping i go to a few places and and do a bit of cleaning and um uh just uh relax oh yeah i would  i would say um to have better self-esteem 'cause i used to have very low self-esteem you know from being abused and so um you know i i wish i'd been happier  happier in the past and you know it's taken me a long time to become happy because um you know no matter what what i did whatever achievements i i was i was never happy in the past i was i was always you know struggling with being depressed i didn't  i didn't even know why and now you know i realize because of whatever events that it that it was from my parents from that um a relationship and so i my i what the advice would be to not um have a relationship that um is bad for you like sometimes estrangement is the best choice in an abusive relationship um just just  the way i live my life the way i treat people i think you know um you know i i believe it like your deeds are very important and i try to treat people in a good way and and i guess you know i'm i'm proud of you know with my work like decisions i've made that um that give me um you  you know a a a a uh a job that i i like that gives me a lot of flexibility and i you know i do what i like and  um and you know people like my work and um and also my my dogs i'm really proud of them and um yeah i guess  i don't know  mhm okay thank you bye,0
+479,  yes okay l_a uh the smog traffic tickets high rent uh everything um like um the cost of living the smog yeah  not anymore uh don't have the time um the meeting new people the food the nature explore different areas um i've been to the east coast and that's about it um just going to college in the east coast um i just went for two years and uh i mean for one year and i was there for like three years yeah that was it i came back to l_a uh business um i had graduated high school and um i knew i had to do something else for the future yeah yes and no uh because i sought that eh experience i got to travel  um  uh just uh being a personal trainer and real estate um it seems like um that's what i'm capable of doing right now both depends where i'm at eat and work out um think about the negative things that could happen after you know if you don't control your temper like going to jail or you know losing everything you worked for um the last time i argued with somebody was um one of my um close friends um i seen him a couple of times upset  and upset  um the uh vehicle i bought i should have bought something more affordable like a vehicle  a car i should've bought um like um something more affordable like uh maybe uh something more economic um moving to los angeles west los angeles   i basically found out that i had a uncle out here so i moved in with him and then um from there on then i moved on my own it's good it's affordable it's good right now really close um i i don't know um  um not being financially stable well ever since i moved to l_a it's um when i try to fit into a job something happens to that business they either lay people off or sell the business or or um you know they don't pay they cut the pay so it's been tough really um nobody really um i have to workout and to be able to get my get my body tired for to go to sleep uh i'm uh i'm um tired falling asleep wherever i go if or if there's nothing going on um lately meaning today um today uh really tired 'cause i went out last night no what's that no um last week last uh weekend i was just uh with a group of friends and um and having a good time um outgoing nice funny um good attitude personality character  character i mean um i don't know i i i never had somebody do that uh i'm consistent um when i start something i don't i don't give up  and um i'm always open to new ideas and creative and um i like to go out and have a good time and and um take new routes and journeys and um also make  make people feel good sometimes um studying for the test and um and uh or go out or work out um  i went swimming i i should've um traveled more i don't i don't know because i can't say that because um a lot of things that happened was not my fault uh like um the economy going bad and um you know things are really slow and i didn't know that you know certain businesses will go the way they were and um and um sometimes it takes a long time to when you change careers to to get on board and make it happen uh working out eating um watching t_v talking with my friends and hanging out with friends uh that i'm responsible for all the yeah,1
+480,  yes i'm fine thank you new york city yes uh seventy  nineteen seventy five  five  about  once a year both urban uh big cities but uh east coast has a little bit maybe a little more character west coast a little more weighed back with family came with my family i was young  i like the weather i like the women are beautiful the culture is fantastic the um eh you know the city affords a lot of uh opportunities education  uh uh employment wise eh lots of um lots of good things traffic um people who only care about themselves i can't see your shoes  uh i've traveled a bit europe and uh throughout the states yeah uh the new the new experiences it's always fun to travel to get a break from where you are and experiece  have new experiences xxx and the great thing about it too is when you return home it kinda helps you reset your it kinda makes  appreciate  makes you appreciate coming home as well well  you know i've been to spain and um england and italy different uh different places  probably barcelona loved barcelona the architecture and the the food  well food was uh was a part of it but just the the my experiences there were fantastic art history  i was always good artistically so it seemed a natural probably should've studied graphic design which i later got into to be um the star of my own t_v show   i would be the most hilarious comedian making the entire country laugh at my brilliant comedic point of view on life  outgoing always have been as an actor as a uh kind of a comedian i do comedy  i'm a comedian as well and you have to be outgoing it's more fun   try to take a peaceful walk do yoga much better i used to be i think when i was younger not so good lately i'm actually very proud of it i think the only time i really argue is on the phone with time warner cable  i don't know it's been awhile mm maybe not working hard enough some days um when you're a freelancer it's hard to keep at yourself to consistently be productive  um  handled differently well  i don't know um can we come back to that one i can't think right now uh  hardest xxx i've ever had to make uh probably once when i moved back to los angeles from boston and i had a girlfriend at the time and it was hard to leave i knew i had to had to come back but it i think it mm that particular move west was um felt it was calling me and that's where my connections were and i had to come home  i think so yes  um erase from my memory  i don't know  gosh i mean i don't know  something you feel guilty about  um maybe you know  uh maybe doing something when you're a little you've had a couple of extra drinks and you made out with a girl  that you shouldn't have eh uh it's pretty good i think um they're a challenge they're my folks are together got a sister my sister's in new york not the tightest family but you know eh i'm i'm proud  i'm uh grateful for everything that i've derived from it i have a best friend that i went to college with and he's very smart i consistently call him uh when i'm having uh challenges life challenges um i will consistently call this specific  well a few specific friends to get advice and i like 
  •  i like that i have a couple of friends who have been tremendously influential and supportive friends are good friends are very important sometimes uh most of the time not horrible but not amazing  i mean it's okay  uh dragging tired  uh not motivated or um yeah pretty good pretty good i'd say  um no i mean they're i think they're consistent with the way i've been for a while  no no   i think when i get consistent work when i get a lot of do a lot of creative stuff get a lot done creatively uh i guess  i would hope something like um you know a charismatic fun loyal guy  um  i wish i were more um more  more aggressive more consistent with um pursuing dreams i do a lot i do enough sometimes i get down on myself for not trying harder to do all the artistic things i love to do um well recently  recently i signaled into a lane  this woman was shouting at me i could hear it 'cause our windows were open it was a hot summer day and then later i drove up beside her and i said in a pleasant way i said i was just trying to signal to get into your lane 'cause she was cursing at me through the window prior to that and she lifted up her finger  just lifted up her finger  and gave me the finger and it was just it's funny sometimes you try to approach someone in just a normal loving way and all they have for you is hate and that did make me feel bad   a little angry no 'cause i took the high road  but she  regrets i'm sure um just go out with friends make dinner recently a bunch of i had a you know small party at my house and one guy cooked food and we had a bunch of friends over and that's always fun um let's see never get too up or too down too high don't um accentuate the highs and lows because there's always a different it's a roller  endless rollercoaster so you need to be prepared for the for that long ride creative things the creative the performances the comedic performances the commercials i've done the acting the stand-up comedy the graphic design all my creative filmmaking all my creative outlets that that are an expression of me buh bye ,0
+481,  yeah i am um good to moderate los angeles yeah i'm from um just a lot of different kinds of people and um eh i love the weather most of the time and um great creative scene i'm i'm really into music so um it's a great scene for that i i don't like driving  i don't know who does right i it's just it's just such a drag and uh getting from point a to point b is just a daily need and it doesn't get any easier it's too many people too many people   i can't see your shoes um uh yeah when i can uh when  when i can afford to um  just being somewhere else not having to drive usually most places have better public transportation um just i love  i'm you know i'm a culture junkie i like experiencing different types of cultures so that's xxx um well you know i haven't been to that many places i've been to like mexico and italy it it's uh you know i wanna go to more places i wanna go to japan so that'll be that'll be interesting it's usually just with my family um it's my mom sometimes my girlfriend sometimes my brother and we just uh yeah we go to italy we spent two weeks there though that was cool yeah um living next to the best gelato shop in italy in we  we were in florence  when we were in florence spent uh spent a week in florence that was great very very good uh culture there as well art studied uh film and digital media 'cause uh i make music and i wanted to learn how to make music videos so it's something i'm trying to get into uh yeah yeah i mean i need to get a camera though that's the thing uh but um i mainly my main focus is music i studied film but my focus is music um yeah  sure i've been playing music i've been playing guitar uh keyboard bass drums for um for about twelve years now and uh i do uh production and songwriting i'm in a indie rock band scrubbed_entry um that's a great website i highly recommend it and it's uh it's mine so check it out uh international rockstar music producer and uh filmmaker director probably outgoing um just just feel like it's a way to get the best  most out of life uh just talking to people and learning about them and having them learn about you and care about you it's uh kinda just goes with the territory  territory   yeah um i uh do meditation and uh it's not really hard 'cause it's fun and it it relaxes me and helps me focus at the same time which uh you know that that was a huge epiphany for me that you can relax and focus at the same time 'cause normally when i'm relaxing i'm i'm tuning out i'm focusing on something else but um to be able to combine those sensations was uh yeah i've been doing that for about uh three months now so yeah it is um almost too good at times  uh sometimes uh there's things that should be said that i that i don't um just because um you know it's like you're opening up a can of worms maybe one of your friends for example i got a problem with him but they don't have a problem with him necessarily 'cause he didn't do anything to them and uh i've had to deal with that in the past sort of a awkward social situation but um you know i make do um  probably argued with uh the guitarist from my band uh we had a falling out we're not gonna be in a band together i mean we're still friends so at least there's that mm but um it was just basically about creative control of the project and how we're gonna prioritize it in in our lives and uh you know we just our priorities weren't the same and i got very upset so that was the end of that um  i felt good that it was definitive that it was you know a choice had been made on both parties uh also regretful that you know he didn't feel the way that i wanted him to feel about it which was excited about the project so the fact that he wasn't really in it kinda pissed me off um but i got over it um and you know i got some other people that are really really excited to be working with me you know even honored so you know i'm uh i'ma keep going thank you um  hmm i don't know i don't really i don't really have any regrets like that at the moment i can't really think of any um  um when i was in high school i cheated on my girlfriend i didn't think it would mean anything at the time but i did it i i regret it but um you know xxx you know life happens you make some mistakes selfishness um being young and thinking it wouldn't matter um you know thinking you know you only live once and you know for eh it was probably for the best ultimately 'cause you know i love my current girlfriend and i would never do that to her so that was  that was years ago but uh she was a nice girl she didn't deserve that so i regret it  um shit geez um i guess uh whether to go to college or not 'cause uh i uh i had some projects going in l_a that i didn't really wanna shut off uh i i had a band going we had a manager um we were playing out a lot and i wasn't sure if i wanted to keep that going or go to school and start over and um i made the decision to go to school in santa cruz and and start a new life there for four years and it it was a difficult decision but i'm glad i did 'cause i met a lot of people a lot of people i'm still close with today that you know we work on stuff together and all that so it's good i agree it is good  thank you  um maybe i wish i could forget getting spanked in the parking lot when i was four by a danish babysitter uh you know on the abuse scale it's pretty low but it was somewhat humiliating and i i don't forget it so i have a pretty vivid picture of it and i'm i'm i'd be happier if it wasn't there it's positive they're supportive um they give me a hard time sometimes because they don't think that i keep things in perspective in terms of how i'm gonna support myself even though i do it's just um you know i have a a more long range picture than they do and i have faith in myself and the creative projects that i make so yeah there's a bit of tension there just 'cause you know they expect certain things from me and i expect them as well but i just have a different way of going about it than they might prefer but they're sweet people how do i cope with them uh i you know they're lovely people at their core you know um cope with them 'cause i love them i just uh you know at times i'll just uh go off on my own for a while and eh you know take a breather whatever you know xxx everyone makes you mad sometimes so  challenging um  i just i try and it doesn't work um sometimes i have to take medication for it i have to take ambien something like that um yeah it's difficult  i'm someone who sleeps in late so i always get at least six or seven hours if i have to wake up early for something um i get nauseous sometimes i'll throw up in the morning um yeah i've had jobs where i'd wake up and you know vomit while i'm brushing my teeth it's horrible it does suck um it's kinda something i'm worried about you know i i kinda need to get some part time work while i'm not you know getting a steady pay flow for my music production so yeah  it's pretty rough  got some stuff i need to get over i'm not really sure how just not feeling good getting nervous when you know there's something stressful like a stressful work environment or just something i that doesn't sit well with me like being in a you know a a rushed and you know stressful work environment it just um unless it's about something that i care about you know like music or the arts it's just very hard to to give a shit frankly like and you know i i try to psych myself into giving a shit and it just makes me sick you know maybe i'll have a red bull or something and you know xxx my body doesn't want that in the morning it just i feel like my body rejects things and yeah okay i've been feeling okay very uh very reflective very contemplative you know there's gonna be some changes and there's gonna be some new people in my life some new people uh in my band um you know i'm gonna try to push myself but try to stay grounded at the same time 'cause you know i expect more from myself it's just pissing me off when my get my you know i basically feel like i'm shitting all over myself my body's shitting on me anyway just by being so um shitty  yeah no yes um i was diagnosed um about uh twelve years ago i haven't been in therapy since um they gave me zoloft and i didn't like it it made me feel worse than i do in the shittiest moments i was telling you about it it uh it made me feel numb um i don't wanna feel numb i wanna feel everything even if it sucks being forced to it was a private school they thought i was acting up thought i was a uppity kid i think i was just being a kid so yes i do um well i haven't been in in twelve years but i do think that it might be helpful for me in the future i thought you weren't a therapist that's a typical therapist question right there  um well yeah i uh uh i i kinda wanna go back to therapy it might help might help me find some solutions maybe maybe it's not a therapist i need maybe it's a life coach i have no idea but i'll be seeking help soon um yesterday i was watching a movie with my girlfriend and i looked over at her we smiled at each other and it was it was it was great yeah um very honest um sometimes brutally so but i'm a good guy i think that my friends all think i'm a good guy probably funny um open-minded um i guess well it's what i'm working on which is trying to improve my discipline and try to work through my body rejecting shittiness of the world  it gets better  um stay in shape it gets harder the longer you wait um don't give up on your dreams keep doing what you're doing my music you're welcome nice talking to you,0
+482,  yes i'm doing fine i was born in texas and i moved to california when i was three and grew up here in california yeah i was yes uh i've never been back there um don't have any relatives there don't have a reason to go back there um   well my my family's here that's one uh the weather's great uh the beaches and mountains are here all those things are very good uh the traffic which is probably  probably most people say um it's expensive to live here those are probably the top two uh recently i've traveled um well you get to see new places and and new people you get to learn more about other cultures and uh different ways people think oh uh at the end of march i went to ecuador for a week uh um i spent most of most of one day with with an ecuadorian who only speaks spanish and i speak very little spanish so we got um it was it was challenging for me trying to communicate with him i felt like a a little kid trying to you know say you know what's this what's this uh it was very humbling um you know just just seeing that you know when you don't when you're not able to communicate then that that can be very difficult i'm probably more of a shy person genetics i don't know why um i'm an electrician so i studied electrical construction i've also studied uh computer networking um it was i guess just uh kinda circumstances i needed the the the work i was doing wasn't providing for the family and i knew someone who could get me a job doing electrical work and so so i pursued that because of the the financial gain mm uh it's given me a lot of opportunity but uh i don't think it's what i what i wanna do for the rest of my life well i'm actually uh pursuing becoming a missionary uh my wife and i are looking at moving down to ecuador in the fall uh for four years and last year we we trained in north carolina for one year um and that was like theology and bible training um basically god put a um a desire in my heart to get beyond get beyond myself and and do something for other people to to go and and learn about another people their culture and to share the gospel with them well in my immediate family um i'm i'm married i've been married for ten years this june and we have four daughters and then um but i i have one older brother uh no sisters um so what what do you wanna know about my family um i'm really close with my wife and my daughters uh with my brother i'm not not real close partly because he's uh he's mentally handicapped um he has the mental capacity of a seven year old even though he's he's five years older than me so just kinda because of that dynamic it it's hard to have a a close relationship with him but i am pretty close with my parents my brother lives with my parents um i'd say my my youth pastor in high school he was a real real positive influence in me um just he has a he has a drive and a zeal for for pursuing the truth um and just uh studying the bible and and because of his influence that kinda put me on a path to wanting to study the bible um i think i've gotten better at it there have been times when you know i'll i'll get angry and uh you know it can just kinda really rule over me just the frustration and i'm the type of person that it takes me um usually it it takes some time for me to get angry and and some time to to calm down again but i've i've learned um over time that really getting angry um and keeping that anger in doesn't it doesn't attack the other person or the thing that i'm angry at it just kinda attacks me and so really it it's not a it's not a good behavior to to keep so when  when things anger me i try to uh like talk to the other person say you know this  this situation is making me upset i try to kinda talk through it and and resolve it and come to a resolution um even more than just compromising but trying to really resolve the root the problem um  well a a couple weeks ago or maybe it was maybe even a month ago um my wife and i were going on a trip with with her parents and her parents had already left um eh we were just driving down to orange country area for this trip and my wife wanted um wanted she had she had expectation of certain things to be done before the trip or certain things be packed and but hadn't really in  in my eyes hadn't expressed that clearly but in her eyes she had and so when i was trying to meet those expectations she um you know i i didn't meet 'em according to to what she wanted and and and she became angry and so from my perspective i was doing what she wanted um and kinda getting attacked for it so so then i i i started yelling at her and and we you know we had that conflict but then you know with  within an hour or so we had kinda talked through and we we had figured out what the the cause of that conflict was um are you asking the moment of during the conflict uh very you know just mm very angry you know you can feel it in your body um part partly i the i guess the anger was probably the secondary response but my initial response was that um i felt  was feeling attacked and that came out as anger so i would think um yeah so initially i felt attacked and then that resulted in the anger mm hmm hmm hmm i guess it was um deciding to go um to go to our training last year um i i felt that god had put on my heart that that this was something i was supposed to pursue um my wife didn't feel that way and i i i just felt very strongly that that was something that we should pursue and but at the same time i knew that if if my wife wasn't supportive of it that it it would it would kinda fall apart so i kinda relinquished  relinquished it um and i and i said to her you know i'm not gonna make you go um you know if if you wanna go then  then we'll go but if not then we'll we'll do something else we'll we'll look at at doing something else and not going uh and so that that was difficult for me 'cause uh you know again that that that kinda felt like a loss 'cause i felt deeply that that's what i was supposed to do um but then after i kinda gave that up then um then she came to a point where she said no i have a peace about about doing this and then we went ahead and pursued it so um so just kinda giving it up was  was  was difficult for me tell you about something bad or something that i can erase from my memory um oh let me see i'm not sure um i don't know i i can't really think of anything very traumatic um that i would wanna erase but i i think you know good things and positive  eh good things and bad things they all kinda shape who we are and so i i i can't think of anything that i would want to erase um usually usually it's not too bad um are are you referring to on the the questionnaire where i said that i had trouble  some trouble sleeping um the the job i work the the um kinda the the scheduling has shifted so i so lately i've been working some nighttime shifts or graveyard shifts so um coming home in the morning you know when it's light then it's been hard for me to sleep but it was it was mostly 'cause i was staying up so late because of work uh it pretty easy um when i when i don't sleep then i do get cranky uh i i've been feeling good lately no not really no no um hmm i don't know um can't think of anything that was kinda out of the ordinary but um yesterday we my wife and i took took our three  our our three younger girls we took them to the park the oldest one um stayed with her grandma but we uh we took 'em to the park and they played and yeah so those  those are always happy times when we take the kids to the park um i i think he'd say i'm a a family man that um i'm uh dependable that he can he can count on me um usually my my friend i end up doing um different work around the house for him 'cause i'm kind of a handyman so so in that way i i i think he'd say i'm kinda dependable or someone he could go to for advice um i guess i would um i guess i would like to be able to um start conversations with people easier uh sometimes i have i have trouble just talking to people especially if they're in a group if  if people are one on one then it's it's usually easier for me to talk to them but kinda talking to people in a group uh i wish i was a little better at that now if it's okay what what i was gonna say right before that was that um uh if if i'm giving a speech or something to a large group i don't really have a problem with that but if it's more interaction type thing then that's kinda difficult uh advice i would've given to myself ten or twenty years ago um probably would've been to to go to college right away instead of going to school later in life um that's about it think that would made that would've made the biggest difference in my life i think um well i have i have four kids and i hope i'm raising 'em right i hope that that um you know the mistakes that i've made i can kinda guide them through their their journey in life and i hope that they end up a little better for it than than me um yeah i just hope hope kinda through them that i can you know leave  leave something worthwhile you're welcome goodbye,0
+483,  sure  mm good i guess new orleans louisiana uh two thousand five i used to go back often but not much anymore uh just things happened uh  uh well guess you're not programmed with this knowledge but uh katrina happened in two thousand five not really um hmm where to begin uh just l_a's different culturally i have a different culture out here it's just a different place um it's it's bike friendly louisiana isn't new orleans for that matter really isn't now they're trying to be but it just it isn't that successful  the drivers they're crazy mm not really kind of but not much anymore don't have the money kinda broke  just being able to go on an adventure um let's see i once went to comic con on a on a bicycle like on a a three wheel bike um and that that was pretty fun kinda scary and dangerous nearly got killed  it was scary  traveling or just in general hmm um i gotta say i gotta say we were we were heading out of um we were heading off the p_c_h and going into um laguna and laguna has this really steep hill and on sundays it's full of traffic and i i remember going down the the hill and my brakes weren't working and i was trying to hit my brakes and trying to hit my brakes and they just they wouldn't click and i was like oh god and i'm i'm on a three wheel bike so i'm larger than most bikes and i'm like zipping in between like gridlock traffic going down a hill unable to brake and i'm going down and suddenly there's this car that veers right into mm essentially where i'm trying to go so i turn sharply in front of between this bus and this truck and literally end up going sideways through traffic through oncoming traffic and then  looping back through oncoming traffic back into the right traffic still without any brakes and like not managing to keep my bike from rolling which is painful when your bike roles kinda hurts a lot so yeah yeah that's it  um various different things uh anthropology visual effects kinda weird but yeah um i just i've always had a fascination with film and i i think the way people do things and go about things is fascinating just as like the the mob mentality of people especially ooh dream job um huh i have no idea just a job i guess i consider myself more outgoing um you know i i've never been afraid of what people think of me like people xxx i i i like people i don't know i'm not i'm not afraid of what they think eh i'm more concerned with like the people i know and what they think of me i guess so being outgoing just doesn't really affect me eh um    uh i play video games listen to music um yeah read books i like reading books and drawing reading books drawing playing video games did i think of anything did i forget anything sleeping i like sleeping it's fun uh  not good  frequently  um  uh in high school i i shoved somebody's head through a locker um yeah yeah that that's not good don't ever shove someone's head into a locker that's a great way to get suspended um i don't know yeah things like that just getting into fights  um like a serious argument um  uh i guess like xxx argument over over um uh i guess over like uh like viewpoints on like gun control and gun control laws i mean it was like yesterday evening eh it was it it was an argument about you know gun control regulation i mean it doesn't really affect me personally but that was like the last argument i got into that that's kinda what you specified i think ooh um uh my entire life um  uh   i have um about two years ago i broke up with like as everyone calls her my evil ex and um yeah it was just it was bad the whole the whole thing went down bad i mean uh eh  uh i think i've calmed down a lot since then like just as a person as a whole but i mean i was angry and stuff i think i like went riding my bike for like a hundreds plus miles in a singular day and i was in a ton of pain like later in the evening i got home i was like oh god like i could barely walk um and yeah i i think running off and like going on a like extreme cycling spree was not good but it was better than like eating too much and like just overeating 'cause i was depressed but yeah like we we fought and screamed and it was it was not good like i we didn't physically fight it was more like a screaming match of death   hmm um i don't think i've had a singular hard decision i've had ever had to make because my my biggest thing in life is don't you know don't regret don't regret the the the things you do just regret the opportunites you've missed and that's like had to come with me that's like had to i've had to like learn that in the past like two years like two years ago i totally just could not grasp that concept and to answer your question i think thinking about it the hardest decision i've had to make is i'd say probably probably to break up with my ex probably um xxx  ooh um  where do i begin  um my ex was not a good person just in any way shape or form of the word um she did some things that i wasn't entirely comfortable with um just to the the people around her and to me and i   you know they say you're supposed to give forgive people for making mistakes or doing things and i just i think there are some things you can't forgive people for no matter how hard you try and i think there are some things that once done that that can't be undone they just they're they're the way that they are and i think i think after what she did i i like i just xxx eh things just fell apart after that it just it it we mm despite us trying it just it didn't work out i mean i i i don't know i don't really wanna talk about exactly what happened oh geez oh man erase from my memory or just erase from ever happening um huh i don't  you know that's hard um katrina just the experience of katrina for starters um  my  my ex i i guess between those two it's it's kinda hard i'd i'd actually rather lean towards uh katrina 'cause that was just that that was not i mean i i guess you don't exactly know about it but um in two thousand five um uh this giant storm hit uh new orleans louisiana um killed a whole bunch of people leveled the town um and um i i lost a lot of friends during the storm um i mean i'm kind of i'm getting over it but it's still it's it's still there and i think uh i i don't know i mean you can try and look at you can try your best to try and find something positive in that but there's just there's nothing the only thing you can do is  is just think that that was like a freak accident and it'll never happen again though  i live in l_a and you know  earthquakes  they could happen  and i just think oh i'd rather rather know that it's coming than not know it's coming yes  yeah  um mm depression it's reoccurred multiple times that's no surprise um first time i was diagnosed was in middle school um which would've been  ten well twelve  ten between ten twelve years ago i don't know xxx i don't know whenever i was in the sixth grade that's it's when i first was told that i was depressed um as far as p_t_s_d goes um post katrina um and then you know uh just post katrina mostly  that was the big thing um i guess having been diagnosed previously as being depressed and still being in high school it kinda wasn't i wasn't really seeking help it's kind of i got i kinda got into my high school and they were like here's help 'cause we know you're gonna need it um and i was like oh well thanks i didn't really ask for it but okay i'll take it um you know just kinda happened no not not anymore um eh   that's a good question um  uh geez uh you know i really don't know i guess it just kinda stopped just kinda was like well i'm not gonna do this anymore uh sometimes sometimes it's a lot of like how are you feeling today and stuff and you know it's kind of well i'm feeling fine right now but ask me in two hours and who knows you know um  i guess it it's helped me understand that some of the things that just happen just happen and to just get on and move along with your life um mm essentially just mm like carry on you know things will happen carry on  um wow  um uh i was um i was hanging out with my girlfriend just hanging out um well for starters i mean you  you can't see when i walked in but i'm walking with a cane right now 'cause i i got hit by a car recently and uh i'd i'd make my leg better um let's see cane's over there that way but anyway um  i don't know uh make myself less fat  um i'd make it so i don't feel the incessant need to sleep fourteen hours a day um 'cause when you sleep like more than ten hours a day it's just it's unproductive you waste too much time like i have friends who are like oh you know i feel rejuvenated after six hours and i'm like how do you do that i have to sleep like twelve hours to feel good like you can sleep six you know like in in in crunch time you know you can get away with four i have to get away with seven or eight you know like that that's my crunch time sleep schedule eight hours it's just i don't know i oversleep but i like sleeping too i mean yeah it's just the oversleeping part i don't like so much um  um utterly insane in a good way utterly insane in a good way um uh i guess like they they would also say like you know there  there are times where i might seem like an asshole and i'm i'm not really an asshole i just you know i i just have issues like everybody else um specifically i have uh asperger's so that's a form of autism um that just kinda makes life awesome they'd also say i'm flamboyant and eccentric 'cause i totally am i just i i don't know i figure i'm still alive so i should live because i'm still alive and you know who knows how long i'm gonna be alive for so i should you know live while i'm alive and just go out and do stuff and not not sit and be calm except when i'm reading and i like reading  um uh stop fucking up um no uh that's kinda messed up um i think i would've told myself at the time um 'cause  'cause i i i've known my my evil ex um i've known her since like i was like six and she was five i think ten years ago i would've grabbed myself by the shoulders and say you see that girl whatever you do do not date that girl don't trust her she can't be trusted um and more importantly don't  don't let your guard down around her 'cause she'll she'll exploit that and i mean like physically let your guard down not mentally um yeah don't don't date her just don't do it it's not worth it  it's not worth the trouble it's not worth the pain it's not worth it  um the fact that i'm still alive maybe yeah uh i don't know cycling to comic con i was pretty proud of that pretty proud that i managed to do it um just i don't you know i don't really know i don't really use the term pride i don't really feel pride i'm just it's it's more of like the fact that i'm still alive i'm proud to be alive  i don't know if that makes me humble or just insane who knows do i press the button now oh bye okay,1
+484,   yes i'm doing well i was born in oakland um  all the different areas of the city uh the different cultures that are here the traffic the um lack of public transportation and the superficiality  i i don't i would love to travel more um  being able to experience a different way of living um getting outside the bubble that you normally live in and getting a different perspective um in two thousand eight i studied abroad in brazil and that was about four months and i was in bahia which is in the north and um let's see the program consisted of learning the history learning the language and staying with a homestay family um i've always wanted to travel and i chose brazil because um they have an afro-brazilian population or a large afro-brazilian population which i really wanted to learn more about and i think the history and the cullture is really interesting um i think taking a bus by myself to a remote beach and just navigating on my own and um figuring out where to go yeah right now i'm getting my master's in social work  dream job  i think to um consult about um mental health and how to um how to intervene effectively with different cultures and doing research and consulting work and getting to travel um basically that those would be the main characteristics i think that's a false dichotomy but i do consider myself shy but at the same time outgoing in the sense that i push myself to do things outside of my comfort zone and i'm determined to do what it takes to become successful  um i listen to music and just lay on my bed and um i guess you could say do mindfulness and really just take my mind off of things also breathing exercises which i'm learning more about um as well as exercise pretty good i don't get angry a lot um so as far as angry temperament i'm pretty good at that hmm um mm what month is this may probably two months ago and i argued via text message  so it's not really intense arguing but i guess you could call it arguing in a sense over whether or not i should be forgiven for something that i thought was minor um with a friend i've had for a few years i felt anxious um sad and angry um yeah those are the main emotions i know them because i think i'm pretty in touch with my emotions and being able to identify them and then i'll notice the physical uh manifestations of emotions like if i if my heart's racing or if i'm getting sweaty if i'm  if my breathing is more shallow i'll know i'm anxious i'll know something's bothering me hmm  that i wish i had handled differently i guess related to this argument um i went out one night and got a little too intoxicated and  ended up calling a person for a ride home but that really upset that person and i know that it wasn't such a big deal but i wish i hadn't have let myself get to that point um it it impacted a relationship and i also felt really bad about what i did mm  hardest decision  wow um probably deciding what type of graduate program to go into i briefly went to law school and decided not to do that so afterwards well after dropping out i had to really rethink what it is that i wanted to do and what i wanted to dedicate my life to go into debt for spend a lot of energy on um  i think by recognizing what i don't want to do and doing a lot of research on program requirements and the jobs that you can get after completing a program  mm  i have to think  oh  um revolving around the same person i spoke of earlier it was a dating relationship and a few years ago we had a falling out over his treatment of me and it involved another person and i wish i could get that out of my mind um   i have a pretty good relationship with my mom she lives in the bay area i didn't grow up with her but i've gotten um closer to her as an adult uh we talk pretty regularly with my dad i grew up with him mostly he lives in atlanta and um we don't talk as much but we are we have a pretty decent relationship it's not really that contentious or anything and i'm an only child so i don't have siblings i don't have a large family um so in general i'm not really that close to family um one person is my mentor who i met in two thousand five and she's a judge and i met her when i was in community college and she really opened my eyes to possibilities and made me feel that i would be able to achieve certain things  pretty easy well it's easy for me to sleep what's not easy is getting up because usually i do not forward  look forward to what i have to do that day and the thought of it is you know just makes me wanna stay in bed also i wake up pretty tired not really feeling refreshed  i think just  self-talk about how what i have to do isn't that bad or that the things that i'm doing now are gonna end pretty soon with the end of the school year um trying to think of things that i can look forward to in the week um also listening to music and browsing the internet kinda gets my mind going  feeling  uh wow um feeling emotionally drained on some ways and at the same time feeling like i've accomplished a lot and that i've grown so a mix of ambivalence and feeling drained and a mixture of feeling accomplished and proud at the same time no i haven't yes in two thousand six the convergence of a lot of stressful factors um i was out of touch with my mom i started um well i had transferred to a university that was pretty rigorous and just all those changes going on really um exacerbated things that were already there depressive tendencies that were already there and it got to a point where i just felt really overwhelmed yes i do yes i notice i'm better able to accept my emotions and not judge them and also identify them i'm  able to think  think differently about things that happened maybe look at things in a more positive light and also identify the areas i need to work on and the underlying issues in those areas  mm  um this past weekend i reconnected with some old friends and it was really good to see them and be back in touch again  um  people have different takes on on me i don't have one best friend but i think people would describe me as very um analytical sensitive intelligent intellectual um i wish that i did not or wait i wish i was better able to cope with my anxiety and depression which i'm working on and  i wish that i had more energy  start going to therapy now  um but yeah i really would and also to what how old am i twenty eight ten years ago eighteen okay so graduating from high school i would  tell myself to pick up some more job skills so that i wouldn't have to struggle as much in the future and to seek out mentors to get a clearer um idea of what i wanted to do as a career um i think the fact that i'm in grad school and coming from the background that i that i come from low socio-economic status and just pushing through challenges to get here  you're welcome bye,1
+485,  yes i'm not bad i'm a little tired but okay uh from saint louis missouri yep uh two months ago uh not often i think i'm out here for good now uh smaller town less people everyone kinda acts different the pace of life is slower out there uh looking for work as a game designer or game developer just try something new too new place new people uh i guess i'm still getting used to it um i guess people are different you know there's little shops everywhere just everything's different uh man the weather's great out here the people are really nice like to look at the mountains the beach is nice just better geography um traffic i guess the commute and sometimes there's maybe too many people  not really never been outside of the u_s before uh just never had the opportunity i'd love to go though uh game design and graphic design sort of oh i love it uh mm been playing video games since i was a kid like most guys my age so just like making people happy and it's kinda easy to do that with games  uh work for myself make my own games and write my own paychecks i guess uh pretty hard i've been trying to do it for the past couple years it's a little difficult i guess i'm kinda shy it depends on the people and the environment i guess  uh play guitar listen to some music talk to friends i'd say i'm pretty good at controlling my temper i'm not the type of guy that gets angry really easily uh probably with my girlfriend over something silly i can't even remember uh  don't know i don't think i'm really guilty about anything i try to avoid being guilty hmm don't know can't really think of anything leaving saint louis was one of them 'cause all my friends and family were there uh i guess the benefits outweighed you know the cons definitely huh  maybe getting kicked out of high school the first time uh just i ended up getting myself and and my friends in trouble and it was just no good you kinda look back on it and i guess that's something from my past i wish i would've done different uh followed the  rules i guess just been a good student would've helped uh not really that close with my family i've got a small family anyway and when i was in saint louis we'd see each other a couple times a year but that's really it so no strong ties uh i guess most of my friends they're always there to support me and encourage me and help me so say pretty easy every once in awhile there's a night i can't sleep but it's pretty rare mm just tired groggy i guess my mind's unfocused and day goes by heck of a lot longer uh pretty good not really much to say uh maybe a little bit more depressed 'cause i'm away from most of my friends and family but nothing unmanageable uh just try to talk to 'em when i can think about something else think about happy times no no uh  i guess on the drive out here 'cause it was such a new experience and so exhilarating um i think graduating college 'cause i was really proud of myself and really looking forward to the future just i guess kind of euphoria standing there it seemed kinda surreal  surreal uh funny caring nice guy easy to get along with uh  pretty happy being me i guess hmm guess when i broke up with my last girlfriend for obvious reasons you tend to fight and say things you wish you'd you'd forget i guess no i don't like to live in the past so there's nothing to really regret uh  keep working hard and just keep thinking about what you do before you do it on the computer playing video games with friends uh music uh and my friends i guess  mm i guess my determination and my xxx my passion for my creativity bye,0
+486,  yes i'm feel great i am from saint louis missouri born and raised yes i've been here a couple times i just recently moved back two months ago saint louis is quite slower uh to take care of a good friend that who who's ill thank you i jumped right back on the bandwagon the climate and the restaurants the dirt and the traffic yes i do uh the road maps following a road map maybe driving myself well we just recently got back from uh colorado went up into the mountains saw the the snow and enjoyed a little fine dining in colorado uh actually going um horseback riding through the royal gorge yes it was i would be more outgoing i'm a people person  i listen to jazz music and i also draw i've probably mastered controlling my temper through age mm it would've been my husband and it was about financial issues unsure  unsure unstable i don't like loud talking or mm loud emotion i like to sit and methodically and logically talk about things not raise my voice hmm most recently with the illness of my friend i wish i would've handled his sister a little differently as far as things that she's wanted me to do that i really needed to tell her otherwise the way they really needed to be done i took her advice where i shouldn't of um we he i was engaged to him fifteen years ago and he recently called me i guess about five years ago and told me he was diagnosed with cancer we've always maintained our friendship and i asked my husband if i could go help him in his time of need and i'm here it has been um a lot of things one he's a good friend of mine and his sister moved out here as well two my son wanted to start his career out here three i love the weather and that's all i can think of at the moment  mhm uh it would be the the death of my youngest son i don't know where to start as far as he was born premature and since he was born so early i had him in five months versus nine the we we made the decision to take him off life support 'cause he wasn't getting any better so that would've been the the hardest decision i made with my husband mhm um i really don't wanna erase anything from my memory i've actually um learn and experience and gain knowledge from from things that happen so i'm not  i'm not one to put things erase things out of my mind i categorize them and place them in memories uh it's very close lost my mother at a young age and uh all of us siblings and my father still remain very close mm my father oh he's very health conscious very energetic and exercises  uh exercises and has a spirituality about him that uh i want to have as well it's a contentment that he that he portrays that i that i would like to have as well no problem very confused or um skittish i guess would be the word lately fine  fine except for the fact that my um good friend who i'm helping take care of we just got out of the hospital so it's been a little hectic the last two days um no not lately no i have not no i have not um i was excited um with good friends in good company i should say and um i had just got back from a concert so it was outside it was enjoyable music i was with good friends we ate well and enjoyed the moment uh as a giving spiritual normal person i don't know  um i can't think of anything that i'd wanna change except for maybe exercise a little more i i can't recall one off hand no to have save more money and to not try and accomplish everything at once i started out in cosmetology then i went into um college have some college in mathematics and finance traveling mm i had a lot  i like to i enjoy um good food nice wine and company i just went last night to a very nice italian restaurant and was in the company of good friends and family and we dined and talked and that was fun most proud of i guess it would be my children you're welcome bye bye,0
+487,  yes i'm fine thank you detroit michigan yes i moved to l_a myself in two thousand and seven but my family came here many more years ago more like forty years ago uh i don't go back to detroit anymore i really don't like the weather and i really don't have any reason to most of my immediate family is out here in california and uh completely different um for me detroit was just very cold it it wasn't the best for my personality i prefer l_a more open space a warmer climate warmer people just a different different uh vibe that i that i like better after my husband and i relationship ended i had family out here so i thought it would be easier to start over here than some of the other places i had lived or to stay where we were at extremely easy i came out here every year to visit while i was in college so i was extremely used to it plus i had also taken um six months out of off of school and lived out here and went to school out here so i was completely used to it well like i said the weather is number one it's just uh less crowded it's more open space it's a a calmer friendlier vibe less rushed the smog would be one and when i drive the traffic in certain areas it can be but um in general there's not a lot that i don't like  it's like i guess the overall threat of earthquake but that's isn't really that much of a factor 'cause it rarely happens the price of real estate  that's another one that i don't necessarily like i can't see your shoes i can't see your shoes at all so i don't travel as much as i used to but i have traveled worldwide new experiences well i used to be an international flight attendant and then later i traveled through my work as a cruise line and as an international sales account executive so i've traveled a lot of different places and um i'll have to say they were all pretty much enjoyable 'cause you know there's different cultures different things to see do learn enjoy experience uh my experiences i would say in um europe visiting moreso i've also visited uh in south south america i guess 'cause the cultures are so very different i would probably say more shy um in general um compared to people who i know are really really outgoing although i've had them describe me as outgoing i like to read i like to walk or power walk or hike listen to music you know i'm very good at controlling my temper oh probably when i was married with my husband many years ago it it could be many things i don't even know in specific but just anything in general pretty much could turn into a debate slash argument with him it could be it could be a choice of uh some of the instances when i might've been with him and i you know got emotional or let it bother me that he made such a big deal of something rather than um just you know seen it as not something to respond to perhaps but it would always be we're we were also pushed to answer so you know you can't always just say ignore a person there 'cause many times it's just a matter of ignoring situation and it doesn't escalate but some people you know don't respond to the so-called norm if you ignore it mm uh they'll just you know de-escalate but that's not always the case i taught middle school kids and you can try calm um methods with them but that doesn't always work but you always have to as the teacher maintain you know your professional demeanor so you can't really um even when they you know the kids do something outrageous or possibly dangerous to themselves or other kids so well that could be several mm um i guess a decision in um along with my mom deciding to let a relative have surgery uh that you know the outcome was uncertain it could go either way and in that case she died so you know uh it's a pretty hard decision 'cause you don't know but you also know if you don't that it could be very serious outcome for them as well mhm  oh many different things that could occur you know in life you always are second guessing things that you might could do but they also can be learning experiences so is it necessarily a good thing to erase them you know if you can look at it as positive sometimes people can have a strong reaction and they don't really look past the uh impact of the event 'cause there might be something that you can gain from that but there are i i grew up in a home of dysfunction so there was just domestic abuse you know and um there were many incidences so you can't just say only one 'cause there is lots of traumatic things but it also would've been a different outcome in say learning to deal with some of the things that occur in life as an adult that sometimes i see among acquaintances or friends that have not had really strong experiences fall apart or just have very very difficult times dealing with so um you can listen you know you and i and i 'cause i understand that not everybody's had the same experience you know you can walk them through levels of understanding and you know as you know someone you have a balance of background information on which to help them pull from and to see that you know things will progress in a better way knowing that this isn't like the end of the world or as terrible as it seems that it could be and you can also relate other experiences to them of things that were worse or you know seem to be and of course there's always in general i mean when you look at all the calamities in the world you know most of those things aren't affecting us or the people that we know here so that provides us perspective that you know can pull someone out of their i won't necessarily say self-absorption but the seemingly intensity of their experience right at the moment well we have a a good relationship they eh for the most part there are different levels of um stress and trauma that some of my siblings have experienced so it has made them interact with life and people you know more intensely than others some have not had um as much experience in life that will help them deal with things you know in a different way so it's always evolving and i walk in positivity as a a lead of you know uh the way i respond to uh try and engender a more positive response from them rather than feed sometimes the um very strong reactions or responses or interactions that they may have pardon i didn't  i didn't hear you could you repeat hmm hmm my mother different teachers friends well my mother has always been a very calm um person for the most part easygoing even though she's experienced a lot of negativity i've had teachers that have um been very um positive  positive and proactive and have you know taught independent thinking and techniques to rise above some of the things that were occurring and just various friends that you know i would see handling situations sometimes more much more more difficult you know dealing with things so it depends for the most part it's you know pretty good um it depends if i'm dealing with a lot of things or studying or you know um trying to get more hours in the day 'cause i need to get things done then you know it's less but um in general i don't have a problem sleeping it's just if i make myself stay awake  stay up because there's more stuff that i wanna get done i've been feeling okay uh less you know stressful in xxx it it goes in general 'cause i'm got several projects that i'm working on so um but in general good like i mean not in particular i mean i just seems um less stressful as i get more stuff done i just and the stress comes from sometimes there being a lot more things to do in a shorter period of time but you know reorganizing some of the things that need to be done you know can smoothe that out no i haven't but i know it's something that a lot of uh say veterans in particular have people have i have not no well there's several i guess um and happiness comes in small or large things but in general every day  every day every every moment to me is i mean  i mean every day every morning is great wonderful you know day of happiness um as far as big celebratory kinds of things i don't have big highs and lows like that i think it's something that should be on your continuum you know in every day it can be a really great meal it could be a great view it could be you know a moment shared with someone you know so it should be an even on an even keel um as uh uh perseverant um you know i will continue forth and and um positive upbeat um maybe not doing things differently when i were younger like spending my money differently or or spending my time you know a little more differently but that's hard to say it's like okay as your get older you can see you know you could've done some things differently instead of buying the house that i did i would've you know waited and bought another one i mean things like that i would have um made myself move to california sooner and i'm i would have um instead of buying the house that i bought then if i'd know i would  would have you know the situation i have now waited to get something different but you know how can you you know have that hindsight you make the best decision that you can at the time with the best information  information available you know after you have looked at several options of um being independent and educated able to uh take care of myself okay bye bye now,0
+488,  yes fine oh san fernando valley uh well i really like the culture i love going to museums and being able to go at night and having lots of people around it's spread out a lot and it's a pain in the ass to have to drive everywhere and not have a good public transportation system uh not really i like to go camping but i don't really travel um i think  it might've been around six months ago i went on a trip with a geology class yeah it was fun hmm  i think it's tough to say um well i think the first time i went camping was probably really memorable i went to death valley and i got to see a lot of really cool things and hang out with my friends at night philosophy yes um hmm i don't know i think it just sort of happened i wanted to be a journalist for a really long time and then i kind of grew disillusioned with that and i liked all the different ways or all the different things i could do with philosophy huh i don't know but i really like children and i really like studying their behavior so i think something along those lines might be it i think i'm generally pretty outgoing i tend to be shy around my family but when i'm around friends and stuff i i think i'm pretty friendly um a lot of times i'll watch t_v or read um yeah i think i'm pretty good i don't really get mad i try to think about other things if i start getting mad or um i just start trying to focus on my breathing i think the last time i argued with someone it was probably with my boyfriend um but i'm having trouble remembering what the last thing we argued about was um i think it was  i wasn't feeling very well and i was having trouble deciding whether i wanted to go to his department's end of year party and he was getting frustrated which i thought was very inconsiderate 'cause i wasn't feeling well to begin with well i felt like he wasn't really taking my feelings into consideration and i really hate when he gets stressed out or gets angry easily because i just see that as unnecessary and it stresses me out hmm i think a lot of times when my oldest youngest brother or my oldest little brother uh does something wrong i tend to be harsh with him um we're not as close as my sister and i or my youngest brother and i and so he tends to be hostile back and i think that if i were a little bit more gentle it might be easier to communicate with him hmm um when i was nineteen i came home from a party i think around four a_m on a sunday morning and my dad got really mad at me and yelled at me said a lot of not very nice things and then he didn't speak to me for about a year uh well my relationship with my mom is a lot better now that i don't live at home um i used to be really frustrated with her all the time 'cause she has a really quick temper but i think now that i've got a little bit more distance i can see that she did the best that she could um  and i love my siblings i again my little sister and i get along really well she's four years younger than me and when when she was around twelve and i was around sixteen it was really difficult 'cause she had a really harsh temper and she was always moody and i wasn't in a place to be patient with that sort of stuff so we fought all the time but we don't anymore and that's really great and we get along okay with my uh my older little brother who's fifteen and i think i get along pretty well with my youngest brother who's twelve scrubbed_entry one of the first not the first but one of my first philosophy professors and i really loved her classes and it was really good uh being in a class with a professor who really cared and who really engaged people that was really motivating since not all my classes were like that i think it's pretty easy i mean sometimes i'll have trouble going to sleep but generally it's not that bad it's i think it's usually harder for me to wake up in the morning um well i'm really tired i can get grumpy but i think usually i'm just groggy pretty good i'm a little anxious about um about getting a job and i'm gonna be taking summer school about it's only one class so i'll have a lot of free time um yeah  well i mean it's not the end of the world if i don't get a job but i know that i will eventually so mostly i think i just try not to think about it too much and i try not to be pessimistic no no hmm well i think the last time i felt really happy i went to a party with my boyfriend the end of department party and um i was the you know i knew a couple people there so i felt comfortable but i was also able to meet new people and there were a couple kids there splashing around in the pool and i had a couple drinks and ate some food and it was fun um she would probably say that i'm smart and uh pretty intellectual i love to read and to watch really like serious films and t_v um and she would probably also say that i'm fun 'cause we like to go out and have fun a lot well i'm kinda  i can be really disorganized and that gets me in trouble sometimes so um so that's a major one that and procrastinating hmm um i got into a little bit of trouble a few months back and had to go to court and was uh uh given eh sixty some hours of community service and of course i procrastinated on doing that so i had to show up to court again to get an extension and the judge was very mean and he didn't seem i mean he yelled at me but it didn't seem like he gave it much thought it seemed like it was just sort of a stock speech he gave everyone that he thought needed some yelling at so i understand 'cause that's his job but it was was not great for me 'cause i wasn't i i was really anxious in that situation well i would've been twelve and two um but i think i think i would've told myself at twelve not to be so hard on myself and not to be so hard on my parents 'cause i think i was a little selfish and self-involved back then i can't really think of anything i mean i regret how i treated my mother when i was a kid but everyone does that and um i do regret a couple of semesters ago i didn't do so well in school and i got a a few ws which i now have to work to get off on my transcript i think so i'm i think i i wasn't focusing in school at that time and i didn't see any counselors at school or anything so i definitely could've done that hmm i think i'd probably spend my ideal weekend sleeping in saturday and then going hiking or maybe just going to the duck pond by my house and feeding ducks and picking some oranges and then maybe going out to breakfast sunday and just like window shopping and maybe watching a little bit of t_v huh well my youngest brother is autistic and my mom and dad were always working when he was growing up i'm ten years older than him so and being the oldest i always i always took care of him which made me really really patient because he was a handful but i'm really proud of how he turned out and um and how close we are,0
+489,  yes i'm doing well thank you san luis obispo yes four years ago about once a month small quiet fresh air less people it's nice i went to school in los angeles  i studied music industry yes i work in the music industry it is a passion of mine and i got into school and went with it how hard is what  i don't really have a dream job i don't know if that exists actually it's probably changing all the time  depends on the situation sometimes i'm shy and sometimes i'm outgoing well i can't see your shoes but i like to travel yes meeting new people seeing new things exploring the landscape uh i went to alaska on a fishing trip on that trip um catching an octopus i was deep sea fishing and for halibut and rather than catching a halibut i lured in a octopus very   i play golf i swim i read i'm pretty calm um probably couple days ago but it was and it was about a musical project that i was involved in i felt heated  i'm not quite sure i'm not quite sure i'd have to think about that for a while i'm not really sure um i had a bad performance one time and i wish people who i knew didn't see it because we weren't well rehearsed and i was embarrassed afterwards i have a brother and parents who are divorced i'm pretty close i see them regularly talk openly about most subjects my brother what do you wanna know about my brother i'm not really sure most of the time it's pretty easy um i drink more coffee to compensate fine no what does p_t_s_d stand for no i haven't um i'm happy all the time  um ambitious a go-getter feisty i'm not quite sure i can't recall right now uh i went to a concert saw live music drank good beer yeah  i'm a good listener i'm passionate and i'm alert ever in regards to what no i don't i don't i normally don't regret things because there's too much else to live for to think about the past do you  okay  what was that question to read more and watch t_v watch the computer screen less because that makes you have attention deficit disorder and you focus less on things that are in front of you in real life i know  i exercise i sleep in late i go golfing from time to time i go to concerts i go to bars hang out with friends at the beach it depends what am i most proud of um i'm healthy and i understand the world around me and i'm passionate about things that i'm doing and i have goals that i've set that i'm working towards yeah  what was your name that's right goodbye,0
+490,  yeah i'm doing already how are you doing northern illinois two and a half years ago haven't yet since i been here haven't had a chance to gonna go back later this year colder or warmer work yeah mm took a little while but i got used to it no weather xxx variations comparative um traffic sunlight a little bit seeing different things been to europe a couple of times been around the country  hmm visiting yosemite and sequoia parks were fun depends on the circumstance most of the time i can fake outgoing or try to be outgoing try to relax and breathe through it and move on depends on the context probably yesterday and my children about them not doing what they were told to do arguments with my wife where i should've probably been more patient and understanding hmm um sometimes when it's more of a hormonal period like this week i should just probably breathe through things and recognize that she's going through things and i should just be more patient um what i was gonna do with my life it was easy when i was nineteen i could just decide to do strange difficult things and had the boldness to follow through with them hebrew and semitic studies and classics kind of um i'm i'm in ministry and that's working out the way i kinda want it to be hmm some embarrassing things when i was a teenager probably it's pretty strong i talk to my parents about once a day maybe once every other day and i'm constantly talking with my wife and children xxx i've got four of them they keep me very busy um they're between nine and three sometimes most of the time no character development recognizing that they need  need space to grow when when it works and you see character development and growth and and exploration i have more standards willingness to enforce standards mm  mm my wife um she's been there for me for fifteen years now and helped give me the self-confidence to be who i am better now that i'm not drinking as much pop at night irritable shorter temper mm pretty good pretty good i'm doing been making some better uh decisions with my uh diet it's doing better  mm feel a little bit more empowered not as defeatist as i was in a process where i wasn't eating very well wasn't exercising wasn't able to get doing those things i've been doing a little better at that recently past few weeks and that's been a little bit more encouraging no nope really happy um probably a few weeks ago at the beach when everybody was having a good time hmm confident loud intelligent i guess hmm more patient more um more able to automatically engage with people as opposed to being hesitant at first oh middle school when i was always the low man on the totem pole socially  being the constant butt of jokes don't fall in the trap of thinking that middle and high school is life  um some time you know with children and family doing  doing some fun activity beach or museum or something some time with the wife some time just by myself to read and kinda refocus hmm mm participate in some high level academic discussions hmm that i've been able to maintain the standard and quality of life for myself and my family that i've been able to do so far,0
+491,  yes huh overwhelmed i have a funeral to attend tomorrow i found out from my doctor i got some health issues it is hard honey i am just putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to get it done like i said i'm overwhelmed but i can't stop doing what i need to do i am from united states of america i was born here in los angeles oh i love the beach honey i like the weather um the beach and the weather oh the traffic and the people and this hollywood type image uh not as much as i used to but i've been to europe i went on a uh on a cruise um several cruise uh been to jamaica canada mexico spain morocco um london portugal  portugal yeah and i'm going to hawaii in august meeting new people and just seeing new things and just assimilating into other people's culture and uh customs and traditions oh the best trip i ever took is when i was a student at santa monica college and took a trip  uh it was a mediterranean cruise oh my god that was the best time of my life oh god um being on that ship i felt electrifying uh fulfilled satisfied i felt like um i can do it and eh and it and i it just i moved past the fear and just said i'm doing this uh i'm in law school i'm xxx gonna i'm gonna be an attorney i've always wanted to be an attorney and it's been a long time coming oh my dream job is to have my own law firm my husband and i living in a beach community and our friends we know each other the community  the community know  we know each other it's a small town beach community having my own law firm working with my husband and providing legal services to people who are indigent uh i'm in the middle um it's one side of me that just like to withdraw and you know don't wanna be out in the front and it's another part of the personality is like oh no we're being in the front we're gonna be seen and eh we're  we're constantly in conflict yeah oh i get on my bike and ride my bike ooh it depends on what the situation is i need to control that mm not trouble but it made it has made people back up off of me oh god when was the last time i really had a argument i don't know it's been awhile um argument it's been a long time that i can't even remember oh god let's see  goodness mm mm oh just dealing with my siblings and my family and just trying to diffuse the situation and not get so heated and just remain cool and calm and collected oh when my mother passed years ago it was a conflict over her belongings and all that stuff and you know it was stressful time and everybody else  everybody's emotion was kinda high and arguing back and forth and i'm like i'm not doing that distant  and the reality  i just i it's just amazing that these people no i shouldn't say these people that my we grew up in the family  we grew up in the same household and then as we got older you know xxx god takes us on different path it's just like who are these people or did i grow up in a household with 'em why  why are they and they may say the same thing about me i don't know i just like to have peaceful living honey pardon me oh god positive  um uh positive influences ooh college professors um friends church members um people like that ooh god divorce should  should i continue with my education um when my mother was sick to be her primary caretaker put all my dreams and aspirations on hold um those have been some doozies well with my mom it's i you only have one mother and when it was over said and done i just wanted to do what was right according to what god would want me to do and i didn't wanna have any curses over my life but blessings 'cause the bible says honor thy parents my mother and father in all thy days so so you can live longer and i wanted blessings and not curses my marriage  my marriage ugh god that had such a negative influence on my life such a negative impact but in all that it taught me it made me who i am today and i have no animosity  lately it's been so difficult 'cause school and finals and midterms and all that is coming up um sometimes rather difficult irritable annoyed grouchy well with all this stuff going on with the last week it's been real real real real real crazy god i pray i just i pray i pray i pray i pray lord i pray and the one thing that's keeping me kinda like grounded is going to church no never yeah when i went through that divorce um and my mother passed that i was really depressed fatigued tired uh xxx xxx xxx i no matter what i did i couldn't get any enjoyment just a feeling of emptiness and loneliness and isolation and shock trauma hard  it was very very very very difficult time um just time it just took time just to process to work its way through no no not at all just got busy with life stuff yeah i need somebody to talk to  yes oh god we i loved my therapist uh we talked things out and she gives me a different perspective and she just listened to me oh god well there's this guy at church and i really like him and he likes me and he throws kisses at me so and he's a oh outgoing um determined yeah trustworthy faithful and loyal oh god to be more patient um to be more patient oh my ex-husband he did that on a daily daily thing and i'm just so glad to get rid of him  know your worth your value and have high self-esteem well now with school in the library with tutors uh my outlet is riding my bike or either going swimming oh a friend of mine um had a c_d release party and me and a excuse me  ooh excuse me and me and another friend got together and we catered the party and it was so nice and they were so happy they were so thankful and grateful so thankful and then he invited me on stage 'cause he sings and i felt so when i got up on stage 'cause i like to sing but i'm so shy in front of people and they're judgmental and they might look at me and i got up on that stage and i just i'm like well this  is this how this feel this feels good  oh god i aw man oh my accomplishments  my accomplishments um overcoming 'em one by one setting a goal and reaching 'em okay thank you honey  bye,1
+492,  yes doing pretty good thank you maryland yes eighty five yeah yeah it is a long time um not as often as i'd like um out of work so you know the money issue yeah um maryland uh is different it and so the comparison is the only comparison is that um they're both cities but uh maryland has its flavor and l_a has its own flavor so they have unique you know characteristics about themselves i moved to l_a uh because i was living in hawaii and um i was out of money and i just had enough for a plane ticket uh and come and stay um uh here in a hotel until i found a job which i did really quickly but anyway so that's why i came here i didn't wanna go home um i decided to come here and just start over i am i am yeah um it was real easy just did it i like i like l_a's weather i like uh the different areas in uh los angeles county uh west l_a east l_a um uh i like southern california you know period so uh you know i like the people but um yeah so i like the um the attitude you know the l_a attitude so yeah um i don't like um i don't like some of the uh policies with regard to um uh the smoking you know i really wish that the uh government would crack down on smoking on the streets make it like u_s_c yeah no not outside of uh uh getting on the bus and things like that i was studying to be a nurse yeah i wanted to uh have a job that pays well but uh afforded me um the opportunity to use my um service gift so yeah no i had to put that uh put that on the side and uh i want to get a business degree now yeah  my dream job is um is to create new technology mm other than to say i would like to uh create something that would change the world like steve jobs with his iphone yeah i am it depends on the situation but i'm more outgoing i do tend towards a little shyness from time to time mhm mm mm  um what i do is i'll go to the movies um i went to the movies probably like uh maybe five weeks ago yeah um well i had a argument recently not really a argument but a disagreement with a woman at my church who um is over this particular department that i'm in and it's a volunteer position uh i use my uh administrative assistant um more executive assistant skills to uh to uh i do minutes for meetings that i cover and um and so then i have to um produce the minutes and send them to everybody and things like that and uh this person um is micromanaging me uh but not micromanaging the other uh admin assistant who did not get her block of people into this particular meeting so the meeting should've been comprised of a hundred people but we had like maybe thirty no wasn't even thirty twenty yes  so um now she doesn't know that i realize you know that part of it so um there was a little bit of a argument and uh but again not a argument but a disagreement and when we talk again i will point out to um the person that's over both of us that there is a disconnect and um the the energy she  she's investing uh in me is uh unprofitable for what we're trying to achieve don't that doesn't that sound good  yeah well a little attacked you know so it depends on i'm very good at controlling my temper it's uh you know there are places where you can allow your temper to come out even though it might not be appropriate and then there are other places where if it comes out then you shot yourself in the foot so uh i'm pretty good at controlling my temper yeah um i don't have any situation recent that i can think of um probably say um just dealing with a neighbor uh instead of uh uh responding to the neighbor just ignore the neighbor altogether so i wish i had done that differently yeah hmm thankfully i've not had to make that type of decision in my life as yet mhm hmm um mm i have um what i do in my life and and you know in my going forward you know um everything that i've done and everything that has happened i accept it as something that has to be to get me to go forward uh i am a born again christian and so i know that that god is sovereign over my life uh and also that according to his word the bible says that every day of our life is written in his book so events and circumstances um i feel that i feel they are ordained by god now obviously i'm not going to um jump into a burning fire or do anything ridiculous but um i feel that things that had happened  that have happened even if i've dealt with them the wrong way uh it's god's sovereignty  his total sovereignty has control over that and it will work for my good so that's how i feel um i have all brothers and so i'm not really that close with my brothers and my mother say that again um people that i've grown up with um neighbors from when i've uh when i was younger uh that i was close to um uh different friends uh that i've had along the way uh friends who are more like family so yeah they've had positive influence that's i get i sleep too well  so i sleep well every night so normal but i my normal i've been feeling my normal no no no um that was recent something happened um i was um able to participate um with um my church on sunday with  i was a pentecost it was pentecost sunday meaning it was fifty days after the resurrection of jesus christ and so i was able to participate uh in our prayer session that we had at my church and uh that was really made me very happy so mhm that uh i'm smart they would say that i'm smart that uh that i handle difficulties very well um and that i dress well   um i don't wanna change anything i do want to just be a better me so be a better person uh so um i am working on uh listening better uh communicating better uh and and uh accepting my uh weaknesses better as well as my strengths no mm that's a good question i would have uh i would've told myself to to uh do what i know to do to do what i know uh that which is right and um ooh xxx uh to do what i know is right and uh let everything else let the other chips fall where they may but to do what i know to do is right and to go forward um i am very proud of the fact that uh i don't give up bye and thank you see ya'll ,0
diff --git a/src/single_model.py b/src/single_model.py
index 34a1004..2a1035f 100644
--- a/src/single_model.py
+++ b/src/single_model.py
@@ -1,51 +1,121 @@
-class singleModel(object):
-    def __init__(self, configs):
-        self.model = None
-        # put your model configs here
-        # self.train = config["train_file"]
-        # ....
-        
-    def pred(feature):
-        """
-        return predictions: 0-1
-        """
-        pass
-
-    def feature_extract():
-        """
-        extract feature from raw data
-        """
-        pass
-
-    def train():
-        pass
-
-    def save():
-        """
-        save model
-        """
-        pass
-
-    def load():
-        """
-        load model
-        """
-        pass
-
-
-    def convert2onnx():
-        """
-        if inference time(except video model) is greater than 10ms on your machine:
-            1. reduce model size
-            2. use onnx https://github.com/onnx/tutorials
-        """
-        pass
-    
-    def process_one():
-        """
-        input: raw data 
-        output: prediction
-        """
-
-   
-
+import contractions
+import numpy as np
+import pandas as pd
+import os
+import re
+from sentence_transformers import SentenceTransformer
+import xgb as xgb
+import nltk
+from nltk.corpus import stopwords
+
+import preprocessor as p
+
+from sklearn.model_selection import train_test_split
+
+from sklearn.metrics import accuracy_score, classification_report
+from sklearn.pipeline import Pipeline
+from sklearn.feature_extraction.text import CountVectorizer, TfidfTransformer
+from sklearn.linear_model import SGDClassifier
+
+
+class single_model(object):
+    def __init__(self, data_path):
+        self.model = None
+        encoding = 'ISO-8859-1'
+        col_names = ['id', 'content', 'label']
+        self.dataset = pd.read_csv(os.path.join(data_path), encoding=encoding, names=col_names)
+
+        self.BAD_SYMBOLS_RE = re.compile('[^0-9a-z #+_]')
+        self.X = []  # X-- clean dataset
+
+        self.sgd = SGDClassifier(loss='log', penalty='l2', alpha=1e-3, random_state=42, max_iter=5,
+                                 tol=None)
+
+    def transformers(self, text):
+        self.model = SentenceTransformer('paraphrase-MiniLM-L6-v2')
+        des_embeddings = []
+        for i, des in enumerate(text):
+            des_embeddings.append(self.model.encode(des))
+        return des_embeddings
+
+    def expandContractions(self, text):
+        contractions = pd.read_json(os.path.join('./input/contractions.json'), typ='series')
+        contractions = contractions.to_dict()
+        c_re = re.compile('(%s)' % '|'.join(contractions.keys()))
+
+        def replace(match):
+            return contractions[match.group(0)]
+
+        return c_re.sub(replace, text)
+
+    def clean(self, info):
+        cleaned_dataset = []
+        texts = [text for text in info]
+        nltk.download('stopwords')
+        nltk.download('punkt')
+        for text in texts:
+            text = str(text)
+            text = text.lower()
+            text = self.BAD_SYMBOLS_RE.sub(' ', text)
+
+            text = p.clean(text)
+            # expand contraction
+            text = self.expandContractions(text)
+            # remove punctuation
+            # text = ' '.join(re.sub("([^0-9A-Za-z \t])", " ", text).split())
+            # stop words
+            stop_words = set(stopwords.words('english'))
+            word_tokens = nltk.word_tokenize(text)
+            filtered_sentence = [w for w in word_tokens if not w in stop_words]
+            text = ' '.join(filtered_sentence)
+
+            cleaned_dataset.append(text)
+            self.X = cleaned_dataset
+
+        # return cleaned_dataset
+
+    def train(self):
+        self.clean(self.dataset['content'])
+
+        # print(cleaned_dataset)
+        self.X = self.transformers(self.X)
+        self.x_train, self.x_test, self.y_train, self.y_test = train_test_split(self.X, self.dataset.label,
+                                                                                test_size=0.3, random_state=42)
+        # print(self.x_train)
+        self.sgd.fit(self.x_train, self.y_train)
+
+    def pred(self):
+        y_pred = self.sgd.predict(self.x_test)
+
+        print('accuracy %s' % accuracy_score(y_pred, self.y_test))
+        print(classification_report(self.y_test, y_pred, digits=5))
+
+    def process_one(self, input):
+        text = input.lower()
+        text = self.BAD_SYMBOLS_RE.sub(' ', text)
+        text = p.clean(text)
+        # expand contraction
+        text = self.expandContractions(text)
+        # remove punctuation
+        text = ' '.join(re.sub("([^0-9A-Za-z \t])", " ", text).split())
+        # stop words
+        stop_words = set(stopwords.words('english'))
+        word_tokens = nltk.word_tokenize(text)
+        filtered_sentence = [w for w in word_tokens if not w in stop_words]
+        text = ' '.join(filtered_sentence)
+        self.model = SentenceTransformer('paraphrase-MiniLM-L6-v2')
+        # text = text.tolist()
+        # self.dataset["content"] = [float(str(i).replace(",", "")) for i in self.dataset["content"]]
+        des_embeddings = []
+        for i, des in enumerate(text):
+            des_embeddings.append(self.model.encode(des))
+        result = self.sgd.predict_proba(des_embeddings)
+        return {'depression': result[0][0], 'nondepression': 1 - result[0][0]}
+
+
+text_model = single_model('./input/final.csv')
+# text_model.clean()
+text_model.train()
+# text_model.pred()
+test_case = "Most of us feel sad, lonely, or depressed at times. It's a normal reaction to loss, life's struggles, or injured self-esteem. But when these feelings become overwhelming, cause physical symptoms, and last for long periods of time, they can keep you from leading a normal, active life."
+print(text_model.process_one(test_case))
diff --git a/src/text_model.md b/src/text_model.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..061d160
--- /dev/null
+++ b/src/text_model.md
@@ -0,0 +1,6 @@
+text_model
+
+![image-20211004221950184](C:\Users\10492\AppData\Roaming\Typora\typora-user-images\image-20211004221950184.png)
+
+![image-20211004222553897](C:\Users\10492\AppData\Roaming\Typora\typora-user-images\image-20211004222553897.png)
+