jane_virgin.txt

Latin lover narrator: Our story begins 13 and a half years ago, when Jane Gloriana Villanueva was a mere ten years old. It should be noted that at a mere ten years old, Jane's passions include... in no particular order... her family, God, and grilled cheese sandwiches. This is Jane's grandmother, Alba Gloriana Villanueva. Her passions include God and Jane, in that particular order. Woman: Really, Mom? Shh. But this is so lame. Mommy, shh! This is Jane's mother, Xiomara Gloriana Villanueva. Her passions include Jane and Paulina Rubio. The order is not important. Bien. I can't. And Jane never did. (young man panting passionately) Young man: Oh, Jane... (moaning passionately) We should... I know. Mm-hmm. Mmm. (moaning, kissing) Stop. We should stop. (panting) Whew. (exhales): Ah... (sighs deeply) Don't forget this. Thanks for stopping by. (romantic Spanish song playing) (song increases in volume) Ay, ay, ay. At least you could turn it down. Mom, she doesn't have to watch if she doesn't want to. Of course I'm gonna watch. You guys got me hooked on these things. But you really have to know telenovelas have ruined romance for me. Shh, shh, shh. (sighs) What? Nothing. Eat your grilled cheese. (romantic song swells in volume) Latin lover narrator: Meanwhile, 8.2 miles away from where Jane lives, but half a world away... Woman: Raf? Babe. You all right? Yeah. Yeah. Just... thinking. Worrying about the hotel. Look, if anything goes wrong, your father will help out. (sighs) Stop. Do you know who feels bad about taking money? People who have too much. (both chuckling) That's better. See? You just need to relax. Mother: You're starting to seem desperate, Petra. I do not blame you. Your husband does not love you anymore. You're wrong, mother. It's all right. Tomorrow will change everything. I still haven't decided whether... Oh, you will. You will. Maybe Michael's gonna propose. My sisters say guys get all cheeseball before they propose. No way. We have a timeline, all right? I haven't gotten my teacher's degree yet. We just merged our calendars... You've been dating for two years and you haven't boned. He might move up your timeline. Everybody decent? Who are you? Roman Zazo. But everyone calls me Zaz. I work for the, uh, management company that just bought the hotel. So you can think of me as your new boss. Pick a straw, please. Pick one, keeping in mind there's nothing to worry about as long as you're outstanding at your job. Pick one. Which benefits us all, seeing that we have the same goal, that goal being to make bank. Okay. Let's see those straws. (sighs) What's your name? Jane. But everyone calls her Jaz. (snorts) Okay, Jaz. Congratulations. You get the tail. ♪ ♪ I can't believe we have to do this. Do what? Rafael: I don't know, Luisa. Raf, if you're not happy, end it. It's hard. Petra stood by me. I know. But that doesn't mean that you owe her your whole life. Look, you've changed. I mean, of course you did. If you didn't change, then I'd be worried about you. And you know what? It's a good thing, because you were so insufferable before. Hey! As your sister, I can say that. I loved you then, I love you now and... if you do get a divorce, it doesn't make you our father. Rafael: Thanks, Lu. Now go home to your wife. Say hi to Allison for me. (indistinct conversation) Hey, do you remember a guy named Rafael Solano when we worked at the yacht club? He was, like, a member.. The jerk you had a monster crush on? I didn't have a monster crush on him. We talking about the same guy? You had a magical kiss. Who'd you have a magical kiss with? No one. I was young. It was nothing. What was nothing? Hey, I need someone to run champagne to cabana four ASAP. I got it. I'll hand out glasses. You look familiar. Really? Hmm. I'm not sure. No, I really think we've met. I don't usually wear clamshells. Oh. The strip club on Biscayne? Jerk. (Tapping on glass) Please. A toast. To my husband. Welcome back, babe. Oh. (applause, guests murmur happily) (soft, passionate moaning) Allison: Luisa. (keys tapping) (alarm beeping) (groans quietly) (crying softly) (sniffles) Woman: Doctor's office... Oh, there you are, Dr. Alver. You're running a little behind. (cell phone ringing) Remember you're covering for Dr. Peters. You have an insemination in seven, then a pap in eight. Um, yeah, an-an insemination and a pap. I got it. Should I... No, I got... I got it. Allison: Luisa, I messed up. I messed up. I love you. I'm a screwed-up person. She means nothing to me, I swear. I don't even care... (sighing) Nice to meet you, Ms. Villanueva. (snoring softly) Are you ready for your insemination? Hi. Yes. I'm... sorry. I'm a little tired. I'm Jane. I usually see Dr. Peters...? Oh, I'll be filling in for her while she's on her... honeymoon... (quiet sobbing breaths) Anyway, um, I'm Dr. Alver. Are you okay? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Um... Can you... can you just scoot down a little bit, please? (sighs) Um, did you... did you bring anyone with you? Here? No. Just me. Ah, you're doing it alone. Good for you. (voice breaking): It's probably easiest that way. (crying) Dr. Alver, are you sure you're okay? (sniffles) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God, this is so unprofessional. I'm... (groans loudly) I'm-I'm... I'm just going through some personal problems. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... Hey, we all have 'em, right? Yeah, you know what? Like, if you want me to come back, maybe I can just... Oh, okay. You're starting. No, because you'd have to wait a whole month, and that's not fair to you. Okay. All done. You should get your results in two weeks. That's it? That's it. Good luck, and again, I'm... I'm so sorry for... No. No, it's okay. And I hope that everything turns out okay for you. Yeah. (door closes) I didn't know that you were coming. I had the nurse unfreeze Rafael's sperm. A surprise for him. That's why I didn't tell you. You guys are so close, I didn't want to put you in an awkward position. Oh. I... Look, if you don't do it, someone else will. And I know from the Internet that you can't refreeze the sample, so... unless you want the sperm to die... Latin lover narrator: And suddenly, just like that, Luisa realized what she'd done. But alas, it was too late. Jane's life was now the stuff of telenovelas. Latin lover narrator: Later, when asked about the so-called 'Immaculate Conception of Jane Gloriana Villanueva,' Luisa Alver would say that it was the biggest mistake of her life. (knocking on door) Come in. Latin lover narrator: It wasn't. I didn't know who else to call. You said it was an emergency? I artificially inseminated the wrong woman, so... I need a lawyer. I don't practice law anymore. You know that. I am scared. I need someone that I can talk to. Your wife, your brother. I walked in on Allison last night in bed with her assistant. I'm sorry that happened. And it was... Raf's sperm. What?! Petra came in for an insemination, and I accidentally used his specimen on someone named Jane Gloriana Villanueva. Were you drinking? No. No. My God, no! I wasn't. What did you tell Petra? I didn't. I panicked. I walked into the room, and I inseminated her with saline. 'You might be a father.' We'll know in two weeks. I used your sample, baby. You what?! Without telling me? I wanted it to be romantic. I wanted some part of the fact that we had to do it like this to... to be romantic. What are the chances this will take? Twenty percent. Don't say anything. You're already on probation. You could lose your license. But what about Raf? I mean, it was his only sample. And it's gone. How will telling him change that? Jane: Mom, stop staring. Come to my gig tomorrow night, boo. Ah. (snickering) Don't you judge. The best way to get over a man is to get under a new man. Trust. Well, as long as you're not talking to Bruce, I'm happy. Oh, man, you know that guy Darrell who's dating slutty Crystal... Well, he found out that she's been boning Mauricio, but she tried to deny it, but there was this text she sent him where she's, like, naked and grabbing her boobs. You want to see? Pass. I already sent it. You all right, baby? Fine. I'm just a little nauseous. Wait. Why are you talking to slutty Crystal? I thought you hated her. Yeah, I know, but I just found out her brother-in-law knows Paulina Rubio's bassist, (phone chimes) so I got to kiss her ass. Hopefully, I don't get an STD. Oh, Mom, I did not need to see... Crystal got fake boobs. Those are her breakup boobs. Hmm. Come on, let's get up. But you're not feeling good. Mom... Jane! Nausea and fainting spell solved. You're pregnant. (both laugh) It's... I'm sorry, but she's just not pregnant. No, I'm not pregnant. We tested your urine. Jane: Trust me, the test is wrong. False negatives are frequent, false positives are rare. Jane, did you and Michael...? No, we didn't. And it may be rare, but it happened, 'cause I'm a virgin. A virgin? Yeah. Maybe we should talk in private. No. No, we don't need to talk in private. I think we do. Where did you get your degree from, the University of Dumb-ass? My daughter said that she is a freakin' virgin, so do another damn test! Pink means pregnant. But I've never had s*x! (gasps): Immaculata. You are immaculata. What? No, Mom. Clearly, she's not a virgin. Of course I am! That's a mistake. It's not a mistake. Or it's a hormonal thing. Exactly, pregnancy hormones. What?! I understand that this is unplanned. Hail Jane, full of grace... Hi. Hello. This is Jane Villanueva. I need to talk to Dr. Alver, because I have a crazy doctor saying that I'm pregnant. Blessed is the fruit of... Shh! Of the womb! I'm not pregnant. Just say it. No. You're not. I'm sorry. No, Lu. It's not your fault. Well, you see... it is, actually. What do you mean? (sighs) Two weeks ago, when I walked in on Allison with... It doesn't matter. Two weeks ago, um... I used your specimen on the wrong person. Excuse me? You what?! I inseminated a girl with your sperm... mistakenly. She's here. I had s*x with Bruce three days ago. What?! Why are you telling me this? I don't know. What if you're like a religious messiah? I can't lie to a religious messiah. Hey, there. Jane: Dr. Alver, hi. Thank you for seeing me. It's the craziest thing, right? These pregnancy tests keep coming back positive, and there's got to a reason. Right? Like some kind of hormonal thing or... There is a reason, and the reason the tests came back positive is... I accidentally inseminated you two weeks ago. What? You what?! It was a mistake. I made a mistake. And there was only a-a 20% chance that it would take, so I-I thought that you would never know, but things turned out differently. (gasping) Luisa: I'm so sorry, Jane. You're sorry?! You should be in jail, lady. You should be locked up. Mom... There's options. This is a prescription for a pill that you could take. Um, of course, you are under no obligation to consult with the father, but he does know. The father. The father. Honey? I have to go. Wait. No. I have to go. (baby crying) (crying) (breathing deeply) (knocking on door) One sec, babe. (sighs) Hey. You're a little bit early. Yeah. Jane: Oh... Hey, what's all this? I thought we were going out? I made dinner. Grilled cheese. (chuckles) That... sounds perfect. Okay... um, before we eat, I just want to give you fair warning that I'm about to say some pretty corny stuff. Okay, ground rules: Not allowed to freak out, 'cause this is a moment we're gonna be telling our kids and grandkids about. Michael... what are you doing? I'm proposing. But, I mean... our timeline. Who cares about the timeline? Or that, you know, you don't have your teaching degree or that I haven't established my career, or that we have debts, or whatever other reasons we have for waiting. As of today, we've been together for two years. Michael, just... Wait, wait, before you say anything... I'm not doing this because I want to have s*x with you, okay? I mean, I... I do want to have s*x with you, 'cause two years is a really, really long time, but that's not why I'm proposing, okay? I'm proposing because I want to spend my life with you. And raise children with you. And have s*x with you. (chuckles) So, Jane... Gloriana Villanueva, will... will you... Michael, I'm pregnant. (box snaps shut) Latin lover narrator: What will serve Michael Cordero Jr. well in the illustrious detective career he will go on to have is his ability to focus on facts. Okay, I need you to tell me again everything that happened, exactly as it happened. Going over how what happened doesn't change the fact that it happened. I know. I know. I'm just... I'm freaking out a little bit here, babe. I know. Me, too. Latin lover narrator: And the fact was... this sucked. (doorbell rings) I invited over our families. I was pretty sure you'd say yes. Michael, I would have. Should we just pretend like you did? For now? Yes. (sighs) (doorbell rings) Probably shouldn't drink. I need another drink. I can't believe Luisa didn't tell you. Yeah. She's dead to me. I want it. The kid? An unexpected by-product of cancer. They should put that in the manual, right? Being told you can't have kids will lead to you really wanting them. Petra'll never go for it. Dude... this is the same girl who would not leave your side when you were going through chemo. I'm not gonna lie... I thought she'd bolt. (both chuckle) Look, I'm just saying... maybe you're underestimating her. (all laughing) Thank you for coming. What are you doing here, man? Well, I got to admit... I was hurt, you know? Not to get invited to my own brother's engagement party. Oh, well, I'm, uh, sorry I hurt your feelings, Billy. Uh-uh. - Don't treat me like that. Like what? Like I'm a bomb that could go off. Which, uh... (chuckles) we know that I could, right? I mean, everybody here... your fiancée... they think you're such a good guy. Do not threaten me. Do you understand me? Do you understand me? Whoa, whoa, all right? Hey, look, I just came here to, uh, congratulate you on your engagement, that's all. So. Why don't you, um, introduce me around. I met Jane's mom. Seems like a handful. Where's her pops? Where's he? He's not a part of her life. Oh, really? Bet there's a story there. There's not a story. Latin lover narrator: Okay, here's the story: Jane has never met her father. In fact, Xiomara herself hadn't seen Jane's father since the day she told him she was pregnant. The same day he told her to get rid of it. Until 16 months ago, when she walked into Carla's Croquetas... and saw Jane's father again. Right there. In broad daylight. (knocking on door) Let's talk, Janie. Mom, I'm not in the mood, all right? I got a big test coming up, I just want to study. But baby, I know how you feel. I was 16 when I got pregnant with you and I was so scared. You were irresponsible. You got pregnant because you were irresponsible. I don't even have a dad. And I've done everything right... my whole life, I've tried to do everything right so that I'd... So you won't turn out like me. I told you I didn't want to talk. I got the prescription. In case. You don't have to have a baby. Would you have had me? Huh? If Grandma hadn't made you? I'm glad I had you. That's not what I asked. Yeah, I know. Of course I want the baby. It's your child, so it's my child. You look so surprised. I guess I am. A little. (ringtone plays) My sister has to stop calling. I'll take care of it. Luisa, he really doesn't... Slow down. Slow down. Who works here? (clears her throat) Jane. The manager said you wanted to see me? Yeah. Look, I'm sorry that I called you a jerk the other night. I was just in this... * I'm the father. What? Of the baby that you're carrying. And I'm sorry about the other day, too. (breathing deeply) (sighs) I used to work at Golden Harbor Yacht Club. That's where we know each other from. Oh, yes. No. I mean, you don't have to act like you remember... No, no, I do. I remember. I-I came in, after tennis, at the end of summer, and the restaurant was closed. You let me in anyways, and you made me a killer grilled cheese sandwich. One-third white cheddar, one-third yellow cheddar, one-third grated American. (sighs) And then we talked. Mm-hmm. - Well, it depends. Am I being practical or brave? Practical. I'm a teacher. Brave. I'm a writer? I have never said that out loud before. (chuckles) Be brave. And I never called. I was kind of a jerk back then. It was a long time ago. Still... I'm sorry. I'm not ready to be a mom. We'd take it. And then what? I live the rest of my life knowing that my kid is just out there? So... You're not gonna have it? Look, I know that the reasons for me wanting to end the pregnancy are so selfish, that I'm not ready, that this wasn't the plan, that I have worked so hard every second so that my life was different than my mother's. I was an accident, and I know my mom loves me. But I also know that in some ways, I derailed her life. I don't want my kid to feel like that. Ever. I want to be ready. Yeah. That makes sense. You didn't drop the cancer card? The-the cancer card? Oh, stop. You know what I mean. Did you tell her that this was your only chance to have a biological child? She was upset. I'm not just gonna make her... Oh, give me a break. (mouthing) Fine. Latin lover narrator: Petra was always good at math. According to her precise calculations and her equally precise prenuptial agreement... (cash register bell dings) I'll be the bad guy if that's what this is about. No, no, it's not. You know what, don't do anything, don't say anything. I mean it. We'll talk later. Oh, abuela, it is not what you think. No, I didn't. I... I got accidentally... Oh, I don't even know how to say this in Spanish. No, no, I didn't. The doctor made a mistake. I went to the appointment and she... accidentally... put... a sample of a man into me. Yes. From his... (gasps) Oh. Abuela, please. _ No, but I know how you feel... What?! Luisa, it's Petra. I need your help. And in exchange, I'll convince your brother not to report you to the medical board. You're early. Yeah, I just... I got called into work. Yeah, so I just wanted to come by and talk to you real quick, in person, you know? Yeah, of course. Janie... I want to say that I'll support you no matter what... Oh. Wait, wait. That's... that's what I want to say. But that's not how I feel. I want to start a life with you. And I don't want to start it with you having some other guy's kid. And I'm sorry if that makes me a bad person, but that's how I feel. Please. For us. Don't have this baby. (sighs) Okay. (singing in Spanish) Latin lover narrator: After her teenage boyfriend Rogelio told her not to have the baby, Xiomara had a real problem. She knew she wanted the baby, but she also knew she did not want Rogelio. It's true. I'm pregnant. Some Army guy. I didn't get his last name. Latin lover narrator: And so Xiomara kept Jane's father's identity a secret. (singing in Spanish) (patrons cheering) Yeah! (whoops) Abuela asked me to never tell you what she said, and I... I didn't want you to look at her differently. Look at you, being all selfless. But no more secrets. Okay? I-I just wanted you to know that you had a choice, because having one... it helps, I think. Whatever you decide. I don't know what to do, Mom. Michael doesn't want it. And I get why, of... of course I get why. But Dr. Alver called and said that the father... Rafael, he had cancer. This is his only sample, and he and his wife, they're this great couple, loving and wonderful, and all they want is a child. You want a divorce? I do. I took care of you when you were sick. Which is why I didn't do this a year ago. And I think, if you're being honest, you knew that. I also think it's the reason you used my sample. And regardless... I think we bring out an ugly side in each other. Don't you think? Nothing, sir. We had some girl come in there, she took off. Zazo's the contact. I'm positive. I.D. the girl. Already sent the images down to the station. (camera shutter clicks) ♪ ♪ Doctor: Pink means pregnant. But I've never had s*x. ♪ ♪ You don't have to have a baby. We'd take it. Michael: Please... For us. Don't have this baby. Some guy's here to see you, Xo. If it's Bruce, tell him I'm serious, I don't want to see him. Man: It's not Bruce. (romantic Spanish music playing on TV) Customer: Could I get some help, here? Waitress: Sorry. It's this new show. (laughs) (speaking Spanish) How could you keep my daughter a secret all these years? I wrote you 16 months ago! What took you so long? ♪ ♪ (officers wolf-whistling, whooping) (whooping, laughing) Babe... what are you doing here? Trying to be brave. But before I propose... (officers whooping, laughing) you need to know all the facts. And the fact is, I'm having the baby. (officers exclaim, murmur) And we're giving it to the father. He and his wife, they really want it. And they're a really great couple. She's giving us the baby? Yes. She just called. She said she wants it to grow up in a happy home, where both parents want it. So, under the circumstances, I thought it best not to mention our previous conversation. Jane: Michael? Yeah. Okay. I'm okay with that. (gasps, laughs) Okay. (whoops) Oh... That's not good. You can stand. Oh, can I? Great, thanks. Okay. All right. Oh... I'm not good at this stuff. (clears throat) So instead of telling you the reasons why I love you, I'm gonna tell you the reasons why I don't. I don't love you... because you're smart and kind. I don't love you because you're hard-working and competitive and way too defensive. I'm not defensive. (officers laughing) I don't love you because you are incredibly sexy. Ooh! (Laughter) (Jane laughs) I love you because you're my best friend. And I want to grow old with you. And right now, I'm confused about every single thing in my life... except you. Wow. I love you. (officers applauding, cheering) Latin lover narrator: And in that moment, in the arms of the man she thought she knew so well, Jane Gloriana Villanueva really believed that to be true. And then... everything changed. J