My relationships will always have flaws. But Christ empowers me to navigate through the problems as an instrument of grace. I need to rest in Christ to bear fruit in my relationships. I also need to encourage others to remain in Christ. But, why are relationships difficult, and how do we persevere?
Relationships develop in the middle of something: God's plan to use everything in our lives to make us more like Christ. We never experience marriage to a perfect spouse. Our friends will not always respond maturely. Our children will never parent themselves. Our neighbors will still make noise at strange hours. The people around us won't always think, say, or do right. Our relationships happen in the imperfect present. Everyone who lives in the present will experience four things. As we consider each of these areas, remember the hope that we have in response.
Relationships don't work according to our plans because they are part of God's plan. God often sends us to unexpected places to generate unexpected results. He leads us through tough relationships to reveal our hearts, strengthen our character, and make us like him.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Even though our relationships will never work according to our plans, what is our hope in Christ? (God is completely in control, God has a plan for our good and his glory, God will not give us more than we can handle, and God is our shepherd and will guide us.)
Our expectations often follow our dreams. Regarding relationships, we dream of unchallenged unity, unfettered romance, unobstructed communication, mutual cooperation, blanket acceptance and respect, shared decisions, intimate friendship, or an absence of conflict. Our expectations tend to forget that our relationships are being lived out in the imperfect present. Until heaven, none of us are with the person of our dreams. None of us are ready to be someone else's dream! At some point in every relationship, we are required to accept the other person.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Even though our relationships will never live up to our expectations, what is the hope we have in Christ? (Even though people are flawed, Jesus isn't, Jesus is faithful and won't give up on us or the other person, and we can look forward to living in harmony in the kingdom of God.)
Building successful relationships is like threading a needle while driving! No relationship will avoid the normal problems of life. Sometimes the difficulty is the other person's pride, selfishness, greed, anger, bitterness, or impatience. Sometimes the difficulty is the reality of a fallen world: racism, persecution, injury, disease, war, mechanical failures, imperfect government, culture, or the economy.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Even though our relationships will always have some kind of difficulty, what is the hope we have in Christ? (Even problems are sent and used by God to help us become more mature [James 1], God is always there to help during problems, we can pray to him any time, and Jesus is advocating for us.)
No matter how good a relationship is, room for improvement exists. Because we have not escaped sin, our relationships involve difficult work and constant growth.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Even though our relationships will always need to improve, what is the hope we have in Christ? (God gives us the grace and strength to do his will, and the fruit of the Spirit can increase as we walk with Christ [John 15].)
Relationships aren't only hard because they don't meet our expectations or follow our plans. Here's what is hard: God calls each of us to minister to the people he has placed in our lives on top of the problems. We are not called to survive and accept the weaknesses of others but to be instruments of grace in their lives. We humbly live with sinners in a world of difficulty. We gently take part in God's work in someone's life without interfering. We patiently deal with the sin and weakness of those around us and to respond in love even when we are provoked. That makes relationships hard!
DISCUSSION QUESTION: How do you feel about being called to be an instrument of change in another person's life?
Life in the middle of something is difficult. So, encouragement is essential for a biblical, healthy community. Encouragement is rarely inappropriate. But, even when we desire to encourage someone, our encouragement can fall short. We tend to make two mistakes. First, we tend to imagine encouragement is about making the other person feel better.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Can you think of some things we say that focus on making the other person feel better?
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What can be wrong with this focus? (Such statements are not always true; they often provide only temporary comfort; they produce a temporary change of mood that melts away once the person faces the difficulty again.)
We also attempt to encourage the person by explaining the problem. "If he understands the situation, he will be less anxious! He'll be able to do things that are helpful and constructive!" Sometimes it is important to gain insight and understanding. But explanation does not always comfort. Sometimes the more accurate our understanding the more discouraged we become. Now we know how deep the problem is and we are more overwhelmed than ever! Encouragement must go deeper than explanations.
True encouragement reveals spiritual truth instead of material explanations. We don't get overwhelmed and discouraged about relationships because we don't understand the situation. We become discouraged because we stop seeing Christ. When the eyes of our heart don't focus on Christ, we end up focusing on the immediate difficulties. We see the husband who barely communicates. We see the disloyal friend. We see the child who rebels against every command. We see the boss who is unrelenting and critical. We see the relative who breaks every promise she ever makes. We see the wife who is bitter and angry. We see neighbors who are more concerned about fences than community. And the one thing that can give us the hope and courage to go on becomes obstructed by the looming problems. That one thing is Christ.
As we live with one another in the middle, we need more than good feelings and accurate understanding. We need eyes to see this one amazing reality: that we are Christ's and he is ours. This is the encouragement we all need to hear and focus on. We need to help others see three things so that they do not give up and lose hope in the middle of relational difficulties.
Your goal here is to help others develop a "Christ is with me" mentality. A good passage to refer to is Psalm 46:1-2:
God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is the image of difficulty the psalmist creates?
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is the response the psalmist says we will have? Why?
Even when terrible things happen, we can have peace because we know our powerful and glorious God is with us. Our hope is not in our own strength, wisdom, and character but on his. God is here and able to do what we could never do.
People may not appreciate hearing how Christ's promises apply to their situation. People sometimes see this as trickery to make them feel better. But, those promises are the true identity of the believer. Christ's promises are not mystical, cuddly band-aids. They're accurate assessments of our true resources as God's children.
When we struggle, we often measure our potential. We assess ourselves to determine whether we have the resources to get through the situation. The problem is that most of us are poor personal accountants. When we add up the things that define our potential, we forget the critical asset: Christ. Galatians 2:20 says:
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: How does this verse help us accurately view our potential? (Our potential is Christ living in us, and he wants to help; our potential is not our wisdom, strength, or ability but our faith.)
So, let's turn the focus on our own relationships. Thinking about a relationship you have, answer the following questions:
- Has the relationship gone according to your plan?
- Is the relationship living up to your expectation?
- What problems is your relationship facing?
- What's one improvement you could make in the relationship?
- What from this lesson has encouraged you or given you hope?
- We are all in the middle of being redeemed and perfected.
- My relationships will never be perfect.
- God not only wants us to endure the process of redemption and perfection but to use us in the lives of others as a part of the process.
- I can't expect my relationships to go according to my plan, expectations, or will.
- I can have hope because of Christ's promises, presence, and potential.
- I can be used by God in his work of redemption.
- I need to be patient, humble, forbearing, gentle, and loving in my response to others because none of us is perfect (yet).
- I can give hope to others by encouraging them to focus on Christ's promises, presence, and potential.