DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is the most valuable thing you have learned so far?
Because God forgave us, we must practice forgiveness. I need to remember that Jesus canceled my debt to forgive me. So, I need to forgive others just as Christ forgave me. So, will we forgive and ask forgiveness as God has commanded us to?
C.S. Lewis wrote:
To forgive the incessant provocations of daily life - to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son - how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, be meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us." We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God's mercy for us. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what he says.
The Lord's Prayer tells us to pray, "Forgive our trespasses as we forgive our debtors." This happens right after it instructs us to pray for daily bread. Practicing forgiveness is something we must do daily in the same way we ask for the daily provision of food. It is a part of everyday life, not just something for life's "big" sins and events. But forgiveness is one of the least practiced activities in the Christian community. The Bible is the story of a God who forgives and calls the forgiven to be forgiving. Yet so little of the forgiveness we have received translates into forgiveness for others!
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is forgiveness?
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What makes forgiveness so difficult?
Jesus tells a story in Matthew 18:21-35:
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
The metaphor of canceling a debt defines the nature of forgiveness. The merciful king absorbed a $100,000 debt owed to him. When we forgive someone we also cancel a debt. We make a conscious choice to absorb the cost ourselves. We choose not to make the offender pay for the offense. We make at least three promises when we forgive.
We promise never to bring the debt up as leverage. When we forgive, we will not make the offender pay by reminding him of what he has done so that we can control him. This does not mean that we can't discuss it and seek to deal with the offense in a biblical way. This is where the conflict that we discussed earlier comes into play.
We promise never to bring up the offense to others to slander the person who sinned against us. This does not mean that we can't seek the advice of others. But it does mean that we will not slander the person under the pretense of getting advice. We also will not gossip about what the person has done to us.
We promise not to dwell on the offense ourselves. One of the biggest challenges is to not replay the offense over and over again in our mind.
If we break one of these promises then we have not forgiven. We have not canceled the debt. Our desire to make the person pay outweighs our desire to forgive.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: How do you truly forgive?
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Do you struggle with breaking one of these promises?
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Do you struggle with absorbing the cost of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is costly. Canceling a debt and absorbing the cost is going to hurt. This pain makes true forgiveness difficult. But, we must realize that there is a greater cost to not forgiving!
DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is the lesson and warning Jesus gives through the parable in Matthew 18? (God is going to treat us the same way we treat others.)
Habitual unwillingness to forgive will cost us. It will make us bitter and unloving people. We will damage all our relationships.
The unmerciful servant, who before the king was the victim, turns into a dictator. Notice what he did to the other servant: he "seized him by the throat" and threw him in jail! It feels so natural to make someone pay, doesn't it? But, a sense of justice goes into overdrive and turns into revenge. We may not choke anyone, but we may shut others out of our lives. Bitterness gets its foot in the door and takes over if it isn't caught. If we don't practice daily forgiveness with little problems, we'll lose the battles. One day this will cost us the war.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Why do you think Jesus told Peter to forgive "seventy times seven"?
The temptation exists to slip into bitterness some time in the future. Even if we have forgiven an offense, we will be tempted to think about it. Perhaps the next time we see the person or the next time she sins against us. Without realizing it, we will pile that sin on top of the old sins, making it much more difficult for us to forgive. We not only need to forgive once but continue to forgive the same sin.
In Jeremiah 31:34, God says, "I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." Some say this is how we should forgive. That true forgiveness forgets what someone has done to us. This understanding of forgiveness creates at least two problems.
First, it is not realistic. Our minds do not function this way, and our ability to remember is powerful. In the same way, trying to forget a sin someone has committed against us will only encourage us to remember it. Completely erasing our memory is unrealistic.
Second, the passage in Jeremiah does not say that God has amnesia when he looks at you. Our omniscient God does not forget anything! The word remember is not a memory word but a promise word, a covenant word. God is promising that when we confess our sins, he will not treat us as our sins deserve, but will instead forgive us. This is why forgiveness is both a past and an ongoing process into the future. It is a past promise you keep in the future. When you do this, the memory of small offenses usually dissipates. Larger offenses will not.
Grace will never forget about John's affair. Heather will never forget her abuse. Melissa and Andy will always be aware that they sinned against each other. Michael will remember the times his father sinned in anger. But each individual can still practice biblical forgiveness. They can make a promise and remain faithful to that promise over time. If Grace believes she must forget, doubt may haunt her. Has she forgiven her husband if she still remembers? Or if she believes she can forgive him once but hold onto the hurt into the future, she will become bitter.
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Can you still remember something offensive that happened to you? When you remember, do you lean toward bitterness or practice forgiveness all over again?
DISCUSSION QUESTION: Is Grace still supposed to forgive John if John does not repent?
Mark 11:25 says "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." This verse deals with worship. Our vertical relationship to God. This is the attitude we must have before God - an attitude of forgiveness toward others. This is nonnegotiable. We do not have the right to withhold forgiveness and harbor bitterness in our hearts.
Luke 17:3 says "Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him." This verse deals with our horizontal relationship with others and the act of reunion. We are to have attitudes of forgiveness before the Lord. But, we can only grant forgiveness to other people if they repent and admit they have sinned against us. Even if they never do this, we must maintain an attitude of forgiveness toward the offenders. You might say to a friend who has hurt you, "Before the Lord, I have forgiven you and will not make you pay for what you have done." But, you can only grant forgiveness to her and make things right if she admits her sin and asks for forgiveness. You may want reconciliation, but you cannot make reconciliation occur.
Matthew 18 instructs us on how to deal with the sin of others. The first five verses teach that life in God's kingdom takes humility to confront someone about sin. Verses six through nine teach that life in the kingdom requires us to see sin as serious. We can't sweep it under the rug in our own lives or in the lives of others. Verses ten through fourteen teach that life in the kingdom involves going after wanderers. Real love demands pursuit. Verses fifteen through seventeen teach us how to approach someone who has sinned against us.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
The Bible never says, "Make it easy for someone to sin against you." Instead it provides a way to deal with sin in redemptive ways. Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Paul calls us to strive for peace, but he knows there are limits involved when we pursue someone in love. When we have reached those limits, other options are available. Our attempt to love an abusive, unrepentant person sometimes involves confrontation and separation. Sometimes it might involve church leaders. Sometimes the state intervenes on the offended party's behalf.
Test the following conversation between Andy and Melissa:
"Melissa, I am sorry you got so upset when I yelled at you. I hate it when that happens."
"That's OK, Andy. I guess I was just tired after a long day at work."
Andy actually blames the fight on Melissa! He implies that the problem was not that he yelled at her, but that she was too sensitive about it. Melissa responds by accepting the blame for Andy's sin. Then she excuses her own response. The problem here is that no one admits any sin and no one offers forgiveness.
If someone has committed sin, he must acknowledge it. That person then needs to ask for forgiveness for the specific sin. The offended person then must choose to forgive or not to forgive. Otherwise, at some point Melissa is going to become angry with Andy and say that he never admits he is wrong. Andy will likely do the same with Melissa. And they will both be right!
Of course it is possible to use all the right words and not mean what you say. That's hypocrisy and has nothing to do with forgiving. When we practice forgiveness, our words must flow from a humble heart. We must admit how much forgiveness we have received.
Discussion Question: Is there a difference between an apology and asking for forgiveness?
An apology is appropriate when you have done something by accident. For example, if I spill a cup of coffee on you, I should say, "I'm sorry I did that," and help you clean up. But if I was threw coffee on you out of irritation, then that is not an accident. That is sin and requires me to name the sin, confess that I was wrong, and ask for forgiveness.
It is one thing to gain clarity on what forgiveness is and what it isn't. It is another thing to actually practice it. As we worked through this lesson, we thought of people who have sinned against us. We may not like the call to forgive them. We may also have thought of someone we have sinned against. We know we need to ask that person for forgiveness. Do either of these scenarios frighten you? It can be just as frightening to release someone from debt as it is to admit to our own sin. By God's grace and by remembering the cost Jesus paid, true forgiveness is possible!
The king in the parable who canceled such a tremendous debt is none other than Jesus. He bore our sin on the cross. His desire for reconciliation required absorbing our enormous debt. How can we not do likewise? With God's grace, which he gives us, Heather will find the strength to forgive her abuser. Grace can forgive John. Andy and Melissa will practice forgiveness in their marriage day after day. Michael will be able to forgive his dad for his angry outburst. John will be able to confess his sin and ask Grace for forgiveness. Heather's abuser can find the strength to admit the evil he has done and accept the consequences.
Will you focus on what others owe you or the debt Christ paid for you?
- Forgiveness involves canceling a debt and absorbing the cost ourselves.
- Forgiveness is both a past event and an ongoing process into the future.
- We are called and given grace to always forgive even if reconciliation is not possible.
- I need to remember the debt Jesus absorbed on my behalf so that I might be forgiven.
- I need to remember that God will treat me the same way I treat others.
- I need to ask God for the grace to truly forgive and seek forgiveness.
- I must fully forgive others by forfeiting my right to collect what is owed me by not bringing up the debt to the offender, to others, or to myself.
- I must continue to forgive the offender each time I remember the sin against me.
- I must seek forgiveness for my offenses by specifically naming my sin and asking for forgiveness.