11

If you continually give you will continually have.


(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
	Therefore, all horses are black.


This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"


I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
the best people in business administration.  I can assure you on the highest
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
		-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
		   publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
		   editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
		   science of data processing), c. 1957


I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
to sit still in a room.
		-- Blaise Pascal


If God had wanted you to go around nude,
He would have given you bigger hands.


Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction, ice
Is also great
And would suffice
		-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"


A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."


Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
		-- Tom Lehrer


Confusion, n.:
	Father's Day in San Francisco.


				FROM THE DESK OF
				Rapunzel

Dear Prince:

	Use ladder tonight --
	you're splitting my ends.


FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3

MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
	Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
	tries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way
	into your heart.


		Hard Copies and Chmod

And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
cold diskdrives hardware monitors
user-hostile software

of course they're only bits and bytes
and characters and strings
and files

just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
telling me he loves me and
he'll take care of me

simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
deep intimate secrets and
how he doesn't trust me

couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
on personal stationery
		-- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu


Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
		-- Frederick Crane


Mad, adj.:
	Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.


Beware of Bigfoot!


Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
		-- Carl Sandburg


Confidant, confidante, n.:
	One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
		-- Gopete Sherany


Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post


You can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But
if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
your dog.
		-- foolin' around


Things will be bright in P.M.
A cop will shine a light in your face.


Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures.  It is
the doubt that moved all the mountains.
		-- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)


Stone's Law:
	One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
	A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath.  Rely
	on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
	of trouble.  Be relaxed, things will change.  Look for a pink slip on
	payday.  Stop wetting your bed.


They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
		-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos


It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when
they're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
like a happy married life.
		-- Oscar Wilde


Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.


Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.


Painting, n.:
	The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
	exposing them to the critic.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
		-- Al Capone


The second best policy is dishonesty.


Higgeldy Piggeldy,
Hamlet of Elsinore
Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."


COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
		-- J. N. Gray


Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"


You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"


The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!


Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations

	Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
		It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
		dressed as a man.

	Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
		Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
		or similar.

	On a Bucharest elevator:

		The lift is being fixed for the next days.
		During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

		-- Colin Bowles


A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
		-- Joan Rivers


FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5

A:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.


The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.


I drink to make other people interesting.
		-- George Jean Nathan


The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.


An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.


Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way.


Q:	Why do mice have such small balls?
A:	Very few of them know how to dance!


Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
		-- Stephens


WARNING!
	This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
to run.  The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
to the desperation of the user.  Threatening the terminal with violence only
aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
entire system to go down.  Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
it to core dump.  (They all belong to the same LAN.)  Keep cool and say nice
things to the terminal.


X windows:
	We will dump no core before its time.
	One good crash deserves another.
	A bad idea whose time has come.  And gone.
	We make excuses.
	It didn't even look good on paper.
	You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
	A new concept in abuser interfaces.
	How can something get so bad, so quickly?
	It could happen to you.
	The art of incompetence.
	You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
	When uselessness just isn't enough.
	More than a mere hindrance.  It's a whole new barrier!
	When you can't afford to be right.
	And you thought we couldn't make it worse.

If it works, it isn't X windows.


Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.


Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
		-- Mark Twain


Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
back to the wall.
		-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems

Eat shit and die.  Strong memo to follow.
		-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems


	Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
white electric blanket?  I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.

Thanks, Kathy.  (front desk, x17)

p.s.	Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
	Or is Vaseline better?


Mustgo, n.:
	Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
	long it has become a science project.
		-- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"


I only date queers.
		-- Bisexuality, 101
		[I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]


HONOR:
	Almost as good as in 'er.


QOTD:
	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
	and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
	who has that dream?"


CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things
off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.


Worst Vegetable of the Year:
	Brussel sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
		-- Steve Rubenstein


The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
the first one was useless.
		-- Nicolas Chamfort


Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
		-- Winston Churchill


Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
		-- William Shakespeare


There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
		-- R. W. Gerard


Putt's Law:
	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
		Those who understand what they do not manage.
		Those who manage what they do not understand.


If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
serve us right.
		-- Alistair Cooke


In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.


FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#37
	Can you name the seven seas?
		Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
		North Pacific, South Pacific.
	Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
		Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.


... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
to educate itself with fantastic speed.  In a few months it will be
at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
incalculable ...
		-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970


Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
		-- Jason Zions


I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.


Moore's Constant:
	Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
	does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.


I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
		-- Raoul Duke


YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as an engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!


Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
		-- Kin Hubbard


Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	One and a half.


A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
	"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
	The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
	"On my balls."


Thus spake the master programmer:
	"When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"


I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway.
		-- Steven Wright


An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
got a quick bite to eat.
	"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
	Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
an open window and takes the seat.
	An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"


No, I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.  No problem!


The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
		-- Alan J. Perlis


Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.


There's only one way to have a happy marriage
and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
		-- Clint Eastwood


Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight

Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should

Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doing alright
You should a heard him just around midnight.
...
I bet your mama was tent show queen
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
You should have heard me just around midnight.
		-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"


When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.


The country girl who became a city madam
has obviously gone from rags to rigids.


Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!
		-- Daniel Hinojosa


The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
disdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help
feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
their father.
		-- H. L. Mencken


You will be run over by a bus.


There is always someone worse off than yourself.


Every man takes the limits of his own field
of vision for the limits of the world.
		-- Schopenhauer


In my end is my beginning.
		-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots


Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
	an eye on the two intellectuals.


History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e., none to speak of.
		-- Lazarus Long


Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
		-- Erma Bombeck


Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
		-- Christopher Hampton


There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
		-- Henry Kissinger


A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.


The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office.  His voluptuous private
secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
	"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
twenty-dollar raise.  At the end of the second week he called me into his
private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.'  At the end of the
third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole.  Then, this afternoon, he called me
into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
dollars.  That's when he jumped out the window."


FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!


This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
other way... they stopped to talk...  "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva fight."
	"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
	"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
	"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.  We all got up
to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.  And you know what?
She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
	"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
explains one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"
	"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."


It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


	Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
	"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
	"Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
	"Your honor, I'm an actress."
	"Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
you?" he demanded.
	"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
	"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
	"Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."


COLLEGE:
	The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.


Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.


You wanna play the dozens,
Well, the dozens is a game,
But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
		-- George Carlin


I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
true.
		-- Harry S. Truman


I love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then
someone takes them away.
		-- Nancy Mitford


The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
one graveyard to another.
		-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"


	"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
baroque feel to a continent.  And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
Equatorial!"  He gave a hollow laugh.  "What does it matter?  Science has
achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
right any day."
	"And are you?"
	"No.  That's where it all falls down, of course."
	"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy.  "It sounded like quite a good
life-style otherwise."
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


The Commandments of the EE:

5:	Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
	measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
	both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
	property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
	one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
6:	Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
	for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
	the fury of the engineers on his head.
7:	Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
	friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
	her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
8:	Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
	for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
	thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
	sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.


Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
		-- Victor Hugo


It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions.  He
was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released.  Being
a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
from eating him for its breakfast.  Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
Christian took off too.  There they were, running around and around the arena,
the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
gasps for breath.  The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet.  So he
pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
forsaking all temptation and possessions.  Suddenly he no longer felt the
lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
upward, paws held together.  The lion appeared to be muttering something so
the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
	"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."


Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
	His idea of fun
	Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.


Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
	and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
	do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
	party of the second part shall be removed from the current
	position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
	upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
	illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
	through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
	primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
	any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
	the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
	between the parties.

	The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
	be limited to, the following.  The party of the first part
	shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
	chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
	the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
	part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
	non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a point where the party of the
	second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
	party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
	the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
	relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.

	Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
	the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
	Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
	the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
	self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
	should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
	non-negotiable.

	The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
	the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
	by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
	revenue for the Partnership.


One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
one man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will
produce half again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to
represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
many ...
		-- Anthony Chevins


INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
	The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
	to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with
	profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
	incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
	keep it."


The lion and the calf shall lie down
together but the calf won't get much sleep.
		-- Woody Allen


In the war of wits, he's unarmed.


Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
		-- Gallagher


I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
		-- H. L. Mencken


Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
(Tell mate you have to work late.)


Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the presence in the room he said,
"What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low,
But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo!  Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
		-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"


Hear about...
	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?


Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"
		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay


If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
		-- Bob Hope


TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)


It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
what I mean.
		-- David Crosby


The difference between reality and unreality
is that reality has so little to recommend it.
		-- Allan Sherman


Welcome to UNIX!  Enjoy your session!  Have a great time!  Note the
use of exclamation points!  They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence!  However, there are drawbacks!  Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader!  For example, the sentence

	Jane went to the store to buy bread

should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
Jane doesn't exist for some reason!  See how easy it is?!  Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life!  Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling!  Operators are
standing by!  (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)


Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
so resolutely pursuing it.


Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
man all my life.  Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
just once?"
	The despondent fellow returned week after week.  One day, Morris,
nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
I just want to win one little lottery."
	"As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
least meet Me halfway on this.  Buy a ticket!"


The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
		-- Stanley Kubrick


There's one fool at least in every married couple.


QOTD:
	"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."


You auto buy now.


It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.


Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as
a soap bubble?


We love our little Johnny
He's the best little boy in all the world
And we wouldn't trade him for anything
That's how much we love him.
No, we couldn't live without him
So that's why, since he died,
We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
He's so good, so well-behaved,
Even better than before;
Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
Never miss our little Johnny,
He'll never grow up and leave us
That's why we love him like we do.
		-- Mr. Mincemeat


Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
	I replied with some wit,
	"Do you belch when you shit?"
I think that was one up for me.


Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
		-- M. D. Epstein


Taken from actual police car videos:

(7) Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you
    go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.
(6) Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
    oven.
(5) No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas but
    now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
(4) Just how big were those two beers?
(3) In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.
(2) I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
    yours.  At least you know someone who can post your bail.
(1) You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets?
    You're right, we don't -- sign here.


      /\
     \\ \
  / \ \\ /
 / / \/ / //\	SUN of them wants to use you,
 \//\   \// /	SUN of them wants to be used by you,
  / /  /\  /	SUN of them wants to abuse you,
   /  \\ \	SUN of them wants to be abused ...
     \ \\
      \/
		-- Eurythmics


Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
		-- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907


Chorus:
	Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
	Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
	You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
	But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,	When we found her Christmas morning,
And she staggered through the door	At the scene of the attack.
	out in the snow.		She had hoofprints on her forehead,
					And incriminating claus-marks on her
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,		back.
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football.	I've warned all my friends and
Drinking beer and playing cards			neighbors,
	with cousin Mel.		Better watch out for yourselves!
					They should never give a license,
					To a man who drives a sleigh and
						plays with elves!
		-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"


Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
		-- Sydney J. Harris


What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
more than man's transparency.
		-- George Nathan


The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.


Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham


You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!


You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
exist.  If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
		-- Greg Lehey


The bank sent our statement this morning,
The red ink was a sight of great awe!
Their figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.


All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"


If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
should join

		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF

The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:

    --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
	UFOs come.
    --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
    --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
    --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
	the circle.
    --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
    --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...


Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
		-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"


Down with the categorical imperative!


Measure twice, cut once.


Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.


Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
		-- Oscar Hammerstein II


You climb to reach the summit, but once
there, discover that all roads lead down.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"


If you catch a man, throw him back.
		-- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975


Dear Miss Manners:
	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right.  Which is correct?

Gentle Reader:
	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle
of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.


Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A:	An offer you can't understand.


If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt


A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."


Woodward's Law:
	A theory is better than its explanation.


There was a phone call for you.


Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
		-- Mark Twain


A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
		-- Kipling


If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
		-- Jerry Muscha


Never buy what you do not want
because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
		-- Thomas Jefferson


Today is a good day for information-gathering.
Read someone else's mail file.


Serenity through viciousness.


The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel


Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
the table.
		-- The Anarchist Cookbook


His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.


Felt tip, v.:
	Past tense for a breast examination!


Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.


Photographing a volcano is just about
the most miserable thing you can do.
		-- Robert B. Goodman
		   [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]


Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments.  Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
    If this be error and upon me proved,
    I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
		-- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI


The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
		-- Lucille S. Harper