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Daniel White:

I’d tell you the value of Haskell, but I’m too lazy.

Kris Jenkins:

What’s the difference between a pessimist, an optimist, and an AWS consultant?

A pessimist says the glass is half empty, An optimist says the glass is half full, And the AWS consultant says the water will scale.

Steve Purcell:

Functional programmers don't grow old, they just decompose.

I had a voucher for a free curry, but the waiter told me it only partially applied.

JavaScript: undefined is not a function. Haskell: undefined can be any function.

Someone once described me as a bit shifty, which I took as two compliments.

Sean Seefried:

What did the integer say to the C compiler at an audition?

Please don't type cast me

What did the person who loves referential transparency demand.

We want equality!

Dr Suess was a Haskell programmer. Why? Just look at the type of combinator parsers.

A parser for things is a function from strings to lists of pairs of strings and things!

Parser a :: String -> [(String, a)]